Latest / I Do, Part 2 / 7 Signs Your Marriage/Relationship May Be Over

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7 Signs Your Marriage/Relationship May Be Over · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey, that folks, it is Saturday, August eighth, And how
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: is your marriage going? The past year? Things been quiet, calm, cool, peaceful,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: all good. Well, yeah, your relationship is probably over. And
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: with that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ,
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: where Robes has tracked down signs that your marriage is
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: what at its end or heading towards its end? What's
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: the right way to put their.
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: Or but they just kind of put it out there.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Seven signs your marriage is over.
• 0:34
  Speaker 3: It is over over.
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen all seven. You've given me a hint
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: on one of them, but I haven't seen all seven.
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: So I'll ask you, first of all, you agree with
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: all of them?
• 0:45
  Speaker 3: I do.
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: And what was interesting to me, because look, anyone who
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: has been in a failed relationship, or even if unfortunately
• 0:52
  Speaker 2: you failed, you know what You're right if you've experienced
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: the end of a relationship, the end of a marriage.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: Look, a lot of times.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: I don't know if everyone listening is like me, but
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: I do. I was googling stuff, I was searching stuff.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: I was trying to figure out why I was feeling,
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: how I was feeling, if anyone else had been in
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: the same boat. And so to see some of these signs.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: It struck a nerve with me because I think I
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: would have liked to have known, at least feeling validated
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: that what I thought was happening was actually happening. And
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: there are some signs you don't necessarily equate with an
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: ending relationship or an ending marriage, And this first one
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: is that the last year of your marriage, and I
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: think you can apply this to even a relationship is
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: frequently the calmest one on record. Marriages relationships don't typically
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: die in a passionate ending. It usually is a quiet, slow.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: Sad release, and we don't even see it happening.
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: Look, obviously there are pep people who have the big
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: arguments and it blows up and it's explosive, but I
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: think most people think about marriages ending, and they think
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: about infidelity, and they think about shouting matches, and maybe
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: it's what we see depicted in entertainment, but the reality is,
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: according to this article and a lot of experts, very
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: very different. And maybe that's why sometimes it's so hard
• 2:20
  Speaker 2: to even see the signs because we have an expectation
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: that it's going to be some big, fiery exchange where
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: you say fu f you and it's over.
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: I mean you could still. I guess it's possible. Rope.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: That big blow up and that fufu you talk about
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: came at the end of a calm year, right and
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: things finally just blew up in one moment after a
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: year of calm. That makes sense. It's something you've I've
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: heard you talk about forever. It's once you get to
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: a point of apathy, you just don't care. When you
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: just check out. You don't care if they come home,
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: they don't come home, if they pick up the dirty clothes,
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: if they don't give no damn yes about what's going on.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Learn when you go through a massive breakup that the
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: opposite of love is apathy.
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: It's not hate.
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: It's not anger. Hate and anger imply that you still
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: give a damn. When you are apathetic and you're calm
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: and you don't give a shit, that is when it's over.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: My pastor used to always I think I've told you
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: know what, doctor Ashton. I remember telling her this in particular,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: is my pastor compared it to having a car wreck.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: And if you have a bad car accident and you're
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: an excruciating pain, congratulations, you still feel something. You can steal.
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: Feel if you have an accident and you can't feel
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: your extremities in your body, now you're in trouble. It's over.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: You're paralyzed, it's done. He always can use that comparison
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: to a relationship. If something happens and you feel nothing.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: That's a sign it's over. Yeah, that is true.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: And oftentimes I feel like, at least this is in
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: my experience. The biggest mistake I have made is not
• 4:03
  Speaker 2: leaving sooner. It's it's just staying because it's comfortable, staying
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: because it's scary, not to staying.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: Because of the fear of the unknown.
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: But knowing deep down and having that acknowledgement, maybe you're
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: waiting for the big fight. You're waiting for that moment
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: where you can say, aha, here's the reason why.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: And sometimes you're waiting for an excusing y'all. Sometimes you're
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: waiting for the other one to make the move so
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: you don't have to. It's so true, like a relief.
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: Oh my god, exactly this, And I just if anyone's listening,
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: I just like, you're not alone, and so many people
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: have experienced this, and so yes, go ahead, you say
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: there were.
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: Seven on the list, Ye you started with that one.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: I wanted to ask you before you started with the
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: seven any of these apply to us right now?
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: You know what, It's so funny you say that because
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: I did look at these seven signs and I tried
• 4:48
  Speaker 2: to see if any of them is applicable to our relationship.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: And I was kind of looking at it nervously. And
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: the answer is thankfully, no. Really, we do not fit
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: any of these with you, I think. So, I mean,
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: look like, obviously we don't have a perfect relationship.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: Nobody does.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: We have our issues we have and we know what
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: they are, but it's certainly not about not caring. And look,
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: I thought it was so like, this is what got me.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: This article started out with nobody slams the door, the
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: house runs on time, friends comment on how settled things seem,
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: but what replaces the fighting is difficult to see. And
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I think that is where that murky moment where you
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: don't know what to do and yes you do become paralyzed,
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: but that's a sign. That's a sign. Okay, So here's
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: the first one. The arguing stop. Well, yeah, I mean
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: it is basically it's quite yes, I'm just the line
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: was the arguing stops.
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: Okay, but nothing gets built in its place. So when
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: you stop complaining, when.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: You stop saying this is bothering me to the other person,
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: when you stop doing all of that, that's a sign
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: that your relationship is over. Because if you're going to
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: somebody and saying this bothers me, that implies there's a
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: future in which you want something to be fixed, which
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: you want things to get better because you have a future.
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: When you stop telling the person what they're doing is
• 6:12
  Speaker 2: bothering you, that implies you don't care about what happens next.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: That's a huge I never thought about it like that.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm not gonna have to deal with this much longer.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Why are your bodies or I just don't care.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: He can do whatever he wants. That doesn't bother me. Okay.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: Number two, Every conversation is about logistics, and it's been
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: that way longer than you realize. What are we doing today?
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: Are we going to your mom's house? What's happening for Thanksgiving?
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: What's the weekend? All of your conversations are solely about logistics.
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: That's us, That is not us, that's what I would.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: You talk about logistics? A lot of it's not the
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: only thing we talk.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: About about, all right, come on. For the past month especially,
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: it has been a lot of coordinating kids and homes
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: and work and meetings, and it's been a lot. And
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: every time I was doing it before we even started here,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: what's the plan today? When are you heading out? What
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: time is this happening?
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: And to say that you won't.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: Of course, every couple has to talk about logistics. But
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: you don't think we talk about anything else. You're so
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: full of it. But they cite a survey of divorcing couples.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: I thought this was interesting. The two most commonly cited
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: reasons for divorce. Fifty five percent of people said it
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: was growing apart, and that means, yes, you have nothing
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: else in common, nothing else to talk about, no shared
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: experiences fifty five percent, and fifty three percent was not
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: being able to talk together, just about life, about your feelings.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: Sometimes make those numbers match. It was over one hundred percent.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: Oh well, there were there were different The two most
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: commonly so there were sighted got what I'm saying, Yes,
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: so yes, it's it wasn't of the yes the matter here, no, no, no,
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: there's Those were the two most commonly cided reasons growing
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: apart fifty five percent and not being able to talk
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: to each other fifty three percent. And then I don't
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: know the exact number, but they just noted that infidelity
• 8:16
  Speaker 2: was well behind, like much lower than you would think.
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: And I would say that's probably a symptom of the
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: other two problems. If you stay in it long enough
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: and you have grown apart and you can't talk to
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: one another, infidelity is likely to happen when that continues
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: on for longer.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: Than it should.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: Isn't that crazy? Grown folks understand that about marriage and
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: relationships adults. Anybody's been through anything grown, and there's a
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: difference between being an adult and being grown. Grown folks
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  Speaker 1: understand this, But in public those discussions, we always need
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: to hear an immediate who did something.
• 8:53
  Speaker 3: He must have cheated, she must be.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: Trade something, something had to of what is it?
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  Speaker 3: It's not the case.
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: Grown folks know that, and anyone who's been in a
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: marriage long term understands that the growing apart and the
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: non communication leads to the other things that you then
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: point to as the reason why the marriage fell apart.
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: But that has nothing to do with why the marriage
• 9:16
  Speaker 2: fell apart. That was a symptom of the marriage falling apart.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: And I do understand that now. When I was younger,
• 9:21
  Speaker 2: I did not.
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: It requires both parties to take responsibility something that's happened
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: in the relationship. Then one person ultimately does some dumb
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: shit at the end and you can then say, aha,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: you and that's not really now.
• 9:37
  Speaker 2: Look, there are people who have sex addictions and some
• 9:39
  Speaker 2: people who love their spouses and can't help themselves, and
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: that's a whole other issue, or just make bad decisions,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: poor impulse control.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: That exists too.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: So I'm not saying that that doesn't happen, but in
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: a large amount of cases, it's the fact that you
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: were not talking to each other about real things. You're
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: just focused on daily chores, et cetera.
• 10:05
  Speaker 3: All right, yeah, we.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: Need to keep an eye on that one. Do we
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: have a lot going on, babe.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: And we do.
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: We work together too, and that is a danger and
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: you and I have both talked about that sometimes when
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: we go to lunch. We have working lunches, but there
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: have been moments when we say, hey, and maybe I
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: think we should do this on the weekends.
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: Even once we're done with work.
• 10:22
  Speaker 2: We don't talk about work on Saturday, like we have
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: a day where we just say, we don't talk about work,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: we just have fun and talk about each other.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: All right, Number three, this is your third sign.
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: The small bids for attention stop getting answered and then
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: stop getting made.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: So for here's an example.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm probably annoying you when I'm like, hey,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: look at this did you see what she posted? Or
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: look at this TikTok video that Ava sent me, or
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: look at that guy on the news. Something we see,
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: something we notice, we share with one another because we
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: want to experience it together.
• 10:57
  Speaker 3: You and I do that definitely, multiple time times a day.
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: Yes, and I've told you this before. I never was
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: one of the most attractive things about you is that
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: you get You have a childlike exuberance and excitement about
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: little things. I don't have that about even big things.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm not a giddy school boy about a lot
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: of stuff. So I don't ever want to feel or
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: seem like I am putting any kind of a damper
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: on what I see as you genuinely being excited about stuff.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: I last night was like, look at the orange sky,
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: look at the look at the moon.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: I'm always take a look over I always take a
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: look at the phone. And sometimes I'll roll my eyes
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: and I say, okay, baby, what is that? But that
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: is I understand what you're saying when you.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: Said, so here's the deal there. These are seemingly insignificant.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: I thought this was so interesting, seemingly insignificant throwaway lines
• 11:52
  Speaker 2: that babe, look.
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: At the moon.
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: The only question is whether the other person looks up.
• 11:59
  Speaker 2: When you are cited and sharing something silly, insignificant with
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: your partner, and they don't look up, they don't care.
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: That is a sign and all that you need to
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: do is look up and be a part of it.
• 12:11
  Speaker 2: But that speaks volumes because that small little wanting to
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: share means I want to I'm connecting with you. But
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: once you stop getting any sort of reception from those excited, small,
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: seemingly small bids for attention, you just stop making them stop.
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: You stop engaging your partner, and then you start doing
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: it to someone else. You start giving like it but
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: it seems so small, But they say, that's actually a
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: big sign.
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: But you do it to me too.
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: You're like, babe, like I'll say, I'll go out of
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: the room, and something happened on the news, and there
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: was some funny interaction. You'll pause it and be like, babe,
• 12:46
  Speaker 2: come here, you got to see this. So you might
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: not share nature or seeing a golden sunset or a moon.
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: With me, but you share other things that get you all.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: So we do this every.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Day, multiple times, day long.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: Absolutely, But I think it's good to remember that responding
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: and engaging is a part of that connection. And I
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: never even thought about those little, tiny exchanges as being
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: a big part of our relationship. And I start thinking
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: about other relationships and think, oh wow, yeah, you stop sharing,
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: you stop engaging in those little, small, seemingly mindless moments.
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: And this is why I had such a big problem
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: with your airport divorce thing that you brought to me
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: not long ago, the idea that couples split at the airport,
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: go do their own thing, and then meet at the plane.
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: That's what you're talking about with these little things. You're
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: so excited about something, something has brought you joy, So
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: what do you want to do? I want to share
• 13:44
  Speaker 1: that with the person I love. That's a very simple
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: concept that should be natural.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: Rod.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: There's no I go to things with my boys. Sometimes
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: I go to concerts. I go to every wonderful experience
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: I have. I can't think of one in which I
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: don't want you there and to share it. I'm really
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: sitting here trying to think of one. There's some things
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: where you just can't go to with me and my boys.
• 14:06
  Speaker 3: But even when you're with your boys, you're texting me, oh,
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: you got to see this, like I wish you were
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: here whatever, like, And those are the moments.
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: Okay, number four, This is huge And this really resonated
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: with me because I look back at former relationships and
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: I think, holy hell, this was in place for a while.
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: Your good news starts finding a different audience. First the promotion,
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: the funny thing that happened at work, the small win,
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: something exciting or positive that happened to you throughout the day.
• 14:37
  Speaker 2: You start taking it to your sister, to your best friend,
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: to a coworker, to a group chat, and your spouse
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: is one of the last people you tell, if you
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: tell them at all. That is huge and I absolutely
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: recognized that that was happening in my relationship.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: I think that's one that folks, that's an important one
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: you ask yourself that you might not realize you're doing.
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: Like if you stop and think I'm thinking about previous
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: relationships and things that happened that years later. I didn't
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: even realize that the person I was with didn't know
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: like way, I didn't tell you that. It was kind
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: of a big moment for me.
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: And you should ask yourself why, why not? Why?
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: And we have other people around knew about it, and
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: I talked about it and sought help for things. Even Yeah,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: that's a big one. I think that can get overlooked.
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Absolutely all right, when we come back, we have got
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: three more. These are so fascinating and everyone who is
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: in a marriage and a relationship needs to stay tuned.
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to Amy and TJ. We are going
• 15:47
  Speaker 2: over some fascinating signs that everyone in a marriage or
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: a relationship needs to pay attention to, because, according to
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: a couple experts, these are the signs that your marriage
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: may be over. So the fifth sign your future is
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: described in the singular and nobody flinches. They said, pronouns
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: are everything. So instead of saying we're gonna do this,
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: what are we doing us hour? When people constantly use
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: us an hour, that is a positive sign that yes,
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: you are talking about being together now and in the future.
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: But if you start noticing you or your partner is saying.
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: I me like, it's funny. I know you're teasing, but
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: I actually flinch when you say, what are you doing today?
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: What are your plans today? And I know you're just
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: trying to ask me what I have on my agenda
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: so you can work around our agenda with what I
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: want to do. But it's so funny even hearing you
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: ask me what are you doing? Or what do you
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: want for lunch? I'm like, what are we doing? What
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: do we want for lunch? Like it's funny how that
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: singular plural excuse me, that singular pronoun can actually like
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: make my chest tighten?
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: Isn't that wild?
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, I'll stop doing it. I'm doing it. I
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: do it on purpose.
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: I know you do. Like I know, I know you're
• 17:06
  Speaker 2: doing it. You're making a choice and you're kind of
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: you're teasing.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: It's with malice, yes, but that's kind of how we roll.
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: I get that.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: That's like, you know what, that's like friend vibes, Like
• 17:16
  Speaker 2: when we were friends, you would like poke me like that,
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: and you still do it even though we are yes engaged,
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: But it's funny, Like I always I recognize it and
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: I laugh, but I actually look at it as a wow,
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: I really really want to be with this guy. Like
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: it bothers me. When he says that, I think. So
• 17:34
  Speaker 2: if it doesn't bother you, that's the problem. When nobody flinches,
• 17:38
  Speaker 2: that's when you have your warning sign. Everybody will say
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I me whatever. But if for some reason it doesn't
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: hit a nerve with you, that's a sign.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: I can say that. If it doesn't strike a nerve,
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: that's the one you wouldn't even pay attention to because
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: it doesn't bother you to hear it, and you don't
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: realize not bothering, not being bothered is actually a problem.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: Yes, the future, it gets disc in this singular and
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: nobody flinches. That is your fifth warning sign. All right,
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: this is crazy number six. And this is a telltale
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: sign Affection drains out while everything stays exactly the same.
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: So there is this study that followed newlyweds for thirteen years.
• 18:20
  Speaker 2: This is what they're sighting, okay, and they say what
• 18:23
  Speaker 2: separated the couples headed for divorce was disillusionment, an abatement
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: of love, a decline in overt affection, a fading conviction
• 18:34
  Speaker 2: that one's spouse is responsive and rising ambivalence. Okay, that's
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: what they described it as this right, but here's how
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: they actually put it in Layman's terms. I thought this
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: was so cool. Think about this. Wow, this reminds me
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: of us so much so. When you're in the kitchen,
• 18:49
  Speaker 2: does your spouse, when he walks by you or she
• 18:52
  Speaker 2: walks by you, just put his or her hand on
• 18:56
  Speaker 2: your back, just touches you as they're passing you when
• 18:59
  Speaker 2: they go past your seat.
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: When you're seated, do they squeeze your arm? Do they
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: give you a kiss?
• 19:03
  Speaker 2: Do they just touch you that disappears the goodbye kiss
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: might stay. So the obligatory uh seriously, the obligatory affection,
• 19:15
  Speaker 2: kissing someone goodbye, saying I love you at the end,
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: all of that is kind of obligatory.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's the little.
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: Tiny moments when you have an opportunity when it's not obligatory.
• 19:26
  Speaker 2: Do you touch your partner? Do you show affection when
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: it's not required or not expected? That is a telltale
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: sign that your marriage is in a good place. If
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: that isn't happening, that is a warning sign. Wow, when
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: you get up and you just touch me, I'm telling you.
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: My entire body chemistry changes this.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: I swear you've complained before about me touching you too much,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: like I do not walk past you without touching. I
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: love when you touch it in the house, I don't.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I love it every time going, certainly in the kitchen
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: and walking by. There have been time. I don't know
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: if you've seen it, but our studio is set up
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: here at the house to where your back is to
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: the door the entrance to the studio here, so I
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: have to walk past you to leave, and I'll be
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: going to get a drink or something. I have walked
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: out of the room afoot it turned around and came
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: back and gave you a kiss on the neck because
• 20:18
  Speaker 1: I didn't do it.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: And I loved it, and it wasn't obligatory. But it's
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: just showing I care about you.
• 20:24
  Speaker 3: I love you.
• 20:25
  Speaker 2: So yeah, it actually made me want to cry to
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: think about that disappearing. So the hand on the back
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: passing in the kitchen disappears, while the goodbye kiss stays
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: on schedule. So yeah, So if it's just duty and
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: performative and not just that moment where you just say, hmm,
• 20:40
  Speaker 2: I want to I want to touch that person I
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: want to kiss that person and look, I think that
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: it's what I'm learning from this article and from these experts.
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: It's all the little small things.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: Those are where you actually can see the health of
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: your relationship or the decline of it.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: We think it's the big thing, the big gesture, the
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: big moments.
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: It's crazy, all right, and the final final sign that
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: your marriage may be over. One of you describes a
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: completely different marriage. So they say a peaceful year can
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: actually have two people on very different clocks. One is
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: in the terminal phase and the other doesn't suspect anything
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: because visibly it's gotten easier. And I have seen this happen.
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: I have experienced this. So yes, it's peaceful. Yes, no
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: one's fighting. Yes there's no yelling and screaming, and there's
• 21:33
  Speaker 2: no tension. But one person likely has completely checked out
• 21:37
  Speaker 2: and is done and gone, and the other person is
• 21:40
  Speaker 2: just relieved that things have gotten easier, but isn't actually
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: examining what's going on. And so therefore you'll have one
• 21:47
  Speaker 2: person who's shocked that the other person comes to them
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: and says.
• 21:50
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm done, and I've been done for a while.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Because they think everything's peaceful everything's good and that's good enough.
• 21:57
  Speaker 2: And I think that's really fascinating to know that you
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: can have all the signs and one person is in
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: a completely different space than the other.
• 22:05
  Speaker 3: And that is why you have to check in.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: You have to talk about things more than logistics, and
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: it's better to know. I think sometimes people don't want
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: to know. They just try to pretend like it's all good.
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: Let's just pretend that everything's fine. But that is a
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: huge Like if you talk to these two people, they
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: would literally describe a different marriage.
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: Well, I wonder how we would describe this relationship if
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: we would describe it differently.
• 22:31
  Speaker 3: Possibly, I think everyone has unique experiences.
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: But the glaring one is I'm done, and the other
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: one's like, I'm good.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Are that good?
• 22:41
  Speaker 3: Big difference. I am good, but I'm always wanting to improve.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: So I'd have to be the one that's done.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: Then well I'm not done, okay, so.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Then you're good. Just making sure I'm not done.
• 22:55
  Speaker 3: You want to give me the answer on that one?
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: Not on Mike Ah, y'all should see her face right now.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just but a face right now, Will you stop?
• 23:07
  Speaker 3: I know you're joking. I just want to make sure
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: everybody else needs.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: So now you're worried about what other people think about
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: our relationship. We're back to this.
• 23:15
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness, no, but this is something I just
• 23:17
  Speaker 2: thought this was really interesting, and I think the takeaway
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: is that it is all of those little micro moments
• 23:25
  Speaker 2: that you show love, you show you care, you show
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: you're there for that person, You want to hear what
• 23:30
  Speaker 2: they have to say, you care what they think. That
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: is what makes a marriage last. So we'll keep working
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: on all of that, babe. And with that everyone, we
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: always appreciate you listening to us. I maybe Robock alongside TJ. Holmes,
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: we'll talk sake