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What Happens When You Forgive A Narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on, beautiful folks?
• 0:02
  Today we're talking about forgiving a narcissist.
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  What happens when you forgive a narcissist?
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  When you just, OK, I forgive you, I take you back into my
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  life, you're forgiven. What happens when you do that
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  with a narcissistic person? How do they treat you?
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  Do they change their behaviors for good or do they get worse?
• 0:24
  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
• 0:28
  The Narcissist Code. Let's get it.
• 0:51
  I'll be jamming you. I told you I'll be jamming
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  behind the scenes. I was just say be here jamming
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  and dancing and whatnot as I'm getting prepped for the for the
• 1:00
  the video to start back up. But yeah, y'all forgiving a
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  narcissist. So me, y'all know who I am.
• 1:07
  Yeah, if y'all been following me, been rocking me for a little
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  while, you understand exactly my mindset.
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  I'm forgiving a narcissistic person, right?
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  Because typically when you forgive a narcissist, it does
• 1:19
  get worse. It just does.
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  And notice I said the word typically typically is the Greek
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  God of maybe usually, right? Usually it gets worse because
• 1:33
  they narcissistic people tend to see your act of forgiveness,
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  your kindness, your empathy as a permission, giving them a
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  permission structure to treat you a certain type of way.
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  Like they don't see it as like, OK, I got my second chance to or
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  my third or my, OK, this is my 4th or 10th chance.
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  I'm not going to mess it up this time, for real this time.
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  No, they don't see it like that, right?
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  They don't see it as you. They don't see it as that.
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  They see it as permission to do what they've been doing.
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  It's like, OK, well damn, you forgave me for doing that.
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  I mean, I wouldn't have forgiven you.
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  I wouldn't forgive and have forgiven you.
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  And I, if I were you, I wouldn't have forgiven me.
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  But like, hey, we're two different people, so you must be
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  OK with the behaviors that I was giving you.
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  That's the mindset right there. It's like you must be OK with
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  the things that I was doing because if you were not then how
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  are we here then? This is why I say you have to be
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  very careful on forgiving narcissistic people, right?
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  And let me go on 2-2 minutes two, almost 3 minutes into the
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  video. Y'all already about to get a
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  rant. I understand that forgiveness is
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  a part of a lot of people's religions right?
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  I, I already know y'all come about to come in here and just
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  like we'll leave. You had to forgive them and God
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  says forgive them. You know, I get that.
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  But you can forgive people and not take them back into your
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  life. If forgiveness is part of your
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  religion, if it's on your soul, then they'll forgive them for
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  yourself. Not for them, for them to feel
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  better, not for them to give them, to give them permission to
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  treat you worse, but forgive them for yourself to allow you
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  to move forward. Don't forgive them and take it
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  back into your life because Oh well.
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  Don't equate forgiveness to reconciliation.
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  They're not the same things. You don't have to reconcile with
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  everybody you forgive. You can forgive people and keep
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  and kick them the hell out of your life.
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  Keep them the hell away from you.
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  You don't have to forgive and take everybody back into your
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  life like I forgive you. We came back into relation.
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  No, you don't have to do that. No, Hell no.
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  They don't let people tell you otherwise.
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  Like people just hop in the conversation like God says I
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  Yeah, I'm a believer, right? You can forgive, but you don't
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  have to forget and get back with this person, you know, because
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  you if you forgive and reconcile, they will almost
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  certainly treat you worse because they think it's OK.
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  Why wouldn't they? It's black and white.
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  Yeah, it can be extreme black and white thinking.
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  It absolutely can. It could be extremely black and
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  white like I well, if it's, it's either all good or all bad,
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  right? If you don't forgive me, then
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  it's all bad. But if you do forgive me, then
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  it's all good. It's all, everything goes,
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  everything is acceptable. Well, leave, but it's not
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  acceptable because we, we probably forgive them and take
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  them back with certain conditions attached.
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  Are you going to enforce those conditions?
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  Because typically people don't enforce the conditions.
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  Whatever conditions you give this person to take them back
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  into your life, typically you don't.
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  You don't enforce them because if you're going to enforce them,
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  enforce them first, enforce them first.
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  Do it first. Why the why you take them back
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  and then try to then try to change something, make them make
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  those changes consistently first.
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  The only acceptable apology is consistent change behavior.
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  To me, that's the only type of person you should forgive is
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  somebody that's consistently working on altering their
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  behavior. Consistent change behavior over
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  a period of time, not just one or two days.
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  Hey, I did one therapy appointment.
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  Like you said. I'm all better now.
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  No, what the hell does that look like?
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  One therapy appointment out. One therapy appointment is
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  paperwork. They them understanding where
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  you from your age. Yeah.
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  One therapy session is like the old Yahoo chat room.
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  ASL age, sex, location. Yo, how old are you?
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  What do you, Who do you like? What do you identify as?
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  Where you from? Why are you here?
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  You see what I'm saying? This really is like an old chat
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  room log. ASL 39 male North Carolina
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  narcissist why you're here? Narcissism.
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  You see what I'm saying? That's the only acceptable
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  apology you believe. But what, what, what if he
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  missed them? And you know how we know if it's
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  going to be consistent over time?
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  What if we what if they we've don't forgive them and don't
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  take them back and they do make those changes.
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  Yo, how would you know? You see what I'm saying?
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  You're not like I know people are just like what what if, what
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  if what if what if what if they don't?
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  What if they manipulate you? What if they waste your the
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  problem of your life because they're playing games?
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  What if what if what if don't say people are When people do do
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  the what ifs, they typically with narcissists and what if
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  they do get better? What if they do change?
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  What if why don't You're always trying to focus on a positive
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  what ifs counteract them with the negative what ifs.
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  What if they don't What if they do waste their time?
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  What if they are lying to me? What if they do do this?
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  What if they do abandoned me? What if they don't?
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  What if they're lying? What if, what if, what if, What
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  if? What if they don't make these
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  changes? Am I OK with it?
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  You know what I'm saying? Am I OK with giving this person
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  another one year, two months, three months, three years of my
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  life for all to go downhill from here?
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  Like what if? Ask yourself better questions.
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  I promise you that helps out. The better the question, the
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  better the results, right? Because narcissist when you
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  forgive me, like my mindset, I'm just like, I'm even if I'm
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  begging, even I'm even if I'm crying, even if I have snot
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  coming from my nose, I'm farting anywhere, uncontrollable
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  flatulence. I got a headache.
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  I'm I'm threatening to harm myself.
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  I'm not eating. I'm telling you I can't breathe
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  without you. Without you.
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  I'm so anxious without you. I can't live without you, you
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  may they sing with that song I can't breathe.
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  Without you, I can't breathe. I don't know, baby.
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  Without you in my life, I don't go on.
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  What's that song? This is my song, baby.
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  You have to figure out who's saying I'm dropping the comment
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  section. This is my song.
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  Yeah, OK, stop, stop. But yeah, that's it.
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  Like, think about this type of stuff, y'all.
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  This is, these are the kind of questions of you have to be
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  asking yourself. Like realistically, because I'm,
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  I can guarantee you that narcissistic person, regardless
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  of their, them yelling, screaming, crying, whatever
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  they're doing, like regardless of all of that, it does not mean
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  that they're going to get better.
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  A lot of times they resent you for making them do that.
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  They, they get embarrassed because they got on their knees
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  because they were crying, because they were begging.
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  They resent you for making them do that, right?
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  They resent you for that. I can't believe you made me
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  getting my knees in bed. I can't believe you did this.
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  I can't believe you did that. I can't believe you said this.
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  I can't believe you said that. Like they get mad at you for
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  making them for not just forgiving them.
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  They said sorry. I said I was sorry you're not
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  going to forgive me. I said I was sorry.
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  You told me. You asked me to say sorry.
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  I said I was sorry. You're not going to forgive me.
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  What the hell is that? Y'all if y'all y'all I really
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  am. Y'all see I just got my hair
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  here, right? I just did it myself, right?
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  And everything. This whole thing is me, right?
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  I'm gonna start yanking dreads out on my on on my videos.
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  I'm gonna have to pull a dread out for y'all one time, 'cause
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  if y'all take somebody back and the only words you take them
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  back just because they said I'm sorry, I'm gonna pull out.
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  I'm gonna RIP out a damn dread. I promise you I am that one.
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  I'm gonna sit right here. I'm gonna, I'm gonna zoom in.
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  I'm just like Yank. I'm gonna yank it out in the
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  center too, so it throws off my symmetry, y'all, and it'll be
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  your fault. I'm blaming you 'cause if
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  somebody just says I'm sorry, no specificity, no remorse, no, no
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  contrition, no changed behaviors, I'm sure.
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  Will you take me back? Yes.
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  Yes, 1000 times yes. I'm just going to pull it out.
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  I am. But Lee, how would you know?
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  I'm going to do something y'all going to do?
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  You going to book a one-on-one and you're going to tell me?
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  I'm just like, OK, you just lost.
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  You just lost the dread you just took.
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  You just took one of my dreads. Thanks.
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  But seriously, this is yeah, I know what it like.
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  I know people like, oh, damn it, Lee, that's kind of crazy.
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  Yeah, it is, ain't it? Sometimes you have to take
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  drastic measures because when you forgive them, I'm just
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  telling you, they think it's OK, especially if you forgive them
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  and you're the one that reaches out to them.
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  It's that yo, if you, if they do something to you, something
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  break up worthy, something horrible to you, and you forgive
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  them, right? You're the one that forgives
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  them. Like you reach out to them and
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  you forgive them. Like I forgive you for doing
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  that for seven outside the relationship.
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  I forgive you for getting four other women pregnant at the same
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  time and having four kids at the same time, 2 sets of twins.
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  So you have 6 kids at once behind my back.
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  I forgive you for all of that. Come on home.
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  They're going to have 10 kids behind your back.
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  Then they don't care. They absolutely do not care.
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  You see what I'm saying? Why would they care about
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  changing the behavior that they think you're OK with?
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  Why would they change your behavior they feel like they get
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  rewarded for? Because if you forgive me,
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  you're you're rewarding it. Well, I mean, not really.
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  Yes, you are. In their minds you are.
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  We're not really rewarding it. Black and white thinking you
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  are. If you forgive me, you're
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  rewarded in it. If you don't, you're not.
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  It's black and white. It's either or.
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  Y'all. It's not even.
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  There's no middle ground. You have middle ground because
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  you have you. You have a healthier mind,
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  right? You have a healthier mindset.
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  You have, you have the capacity for emotional empathy.
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  So there's might be middle ground with you.
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  There's rarely ever any middle ground with narcissist.
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  It's either all good, all bad, all black, all white.
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  Oh yes, all no, there's no maybes, right?
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  It's very rarely any maybes. Like I said, it's very rarely
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  going to work out for you in that direction right there.
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  So that's why I'm trying to feed you all this advice because I
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  know the inner workings of a narcissist mind.
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  I know the toxicity that goes on up here because it's my mind,
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  right? So I'm just like, no matter if
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  I'm begging, screaming, crying, I can't breathe.
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  I'm having a panic attack. I can't, I can't imagine life
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  you. I can't imagine life without
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  you. They like taking a breath
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  between each syllable, which is very difficult.
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  They're still lying, right? They can do all of that and
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  still be lying and cheating. They can do all of that and
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  still not planning on changing not one damn behavior.
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  They can do all of that stuff and still be manipulative.
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  They can do all of that stuff and refuse to let go of their
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  side person, right? They refuse to like refuse to
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  stop the affair, refuse to break it with the person.
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  Look, I'm going to break it. Look, I got to figure out how to
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  break up with them. I'm trying to I'm trying to turn
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  over turn over a new leaf, right.
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  I know I cheated on you and left you for somebody else, but I'm
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  trying to turn over a new leaf. I'm not I'm trying not to be as
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  me. So what I'm do is I'm not going
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  to break up with them. Like really, you know, I'm I'm
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  I'm take my time and break up with them.
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  I'm still going to be with you. I'm still going to love you,
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  right? You say you, you say you forgave
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  me. You going to forgive me.
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  You got give me time, right? Give me time, give me time to
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  learn how to how to end it without hurting their feelings.
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  Let me I'm coming back to you. I promise you, let me clap, let
• 12:47
  me clap them cheeks right now. What and that be working it do
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  it be working on some people. I'm not.
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  I'm not picking on y'all. I'm just letting you know that
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  that should not be working y'all.
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  You have to empower yourselves to move forward, right?
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  You have to empower yourself to keep growing.
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  Like I said, you can forgive, but you don't have to reconcile.
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  You absolutely do not have to get back, get back with people
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  that you forgive. But this is going to be the,
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  this is going to be what you face with a narcissist, right?
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  They're going to think that just because you forgive them that
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  you're supposed to take them back again.
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  The black and white thingy, they can't separate the two.
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  The middle ground is not forgiving.
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  You see what I'm saying? Forgiveness and reconciliation
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  for them are the same thing. Like you forgive me.
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  That means you want to get back with me.
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  And the crazy about it is, y'all, I'll end with this.
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  If you decide to forgive a narcissist, you don't have to
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  tell them. You don't have to let them know
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  that you forgive them, right? You don't.
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  This is not something that you even need to share with them.
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  I forgive you. It's not something you even have
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  to bring up and let them know. You don't have to do that,
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  right? This is not something that you
• 14:01
  absolutely have to do, that you don't have to let them know that
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  you forgive them. It doesn't work that way, right?
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  It absolutely doesn't work that way.
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  Forgiveness is for you, reconciliation is for them.
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  Like you don't have to like you don't have to reconcile with
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  them. I know sometimes you want to
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  tell them you forgive them in person or whatever.
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  You don't have to do it in person.
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  You don't have to meet them face to face.
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  You don't have to do none of that.
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  Nothing, nothing, nothing, right?
• 14:26
  But anyways, y'all, thank you for tuning in.
• 14:29
  I appreciate y'all brocking with me to the end of the video.
• 14:31
  We're not coaching support groups, courses, everything is
• 14:35
  available at mentalillness.net as you can see scrolling across
• 14:37
  the bottom of the screen like subscribe for more.
• 14:39
  We should find out about TikTok today.
• 14:41
  Y'all pray for TikTok hopefully stays around.
• 14:44
  But regardless, follow me on YouTube and as always, y'all,
• 14:47
  this is up. Thank you so much for making it
• 14:49
  to the end of my video. I am extremely grateful for you.
• 14:52
  Have no idea. If you haven't already, make
• 14:54
  sure you go ahead and subscribe to the channel.
• 14:55
  Helps reach more people and click on the screen to watch
• 14:58
  another video or to browse to another playlist.
• 15:00
  There's also a link on the screen to check out my courses
• 15:02
  and my support groups to help you heal and understand what
• 15:05
  you've been through. Thank you so much again.
• 15:06
  I will see you in the next video.
• 15:08
  Peace.