Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / HEADNOISE: Routine vs ritual, when is enough, enough, how do I stop negative self-talk & I feel stuck between 2 worlds

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HEADNOISE: Routine vs ritual, when is enough, enough, how do I stop negative self-talk & I feel stuck between 2 worlds · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:11
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful people. Welcome to the head Noise kind of
0:16
Speaker 1: part two. I want to say a head noise, but anyway,
0:19
Speaker 1: the second head Noise episode of this week. The reason
0:21
Speaker 1: I decided to do too is because I wanted one
0:23
Speaker 1: with the voicemails. So go listen to that one yesterday
0:26
Speaker 1: if you haven't yet already great questions, and then one
0:28
Speaker 1: of people writing in because I don't want to completely
0:30
Speaker 1: ignore the ones that are written in as well, because
0:33
Speaker 1: they're just as good. Okay, now I don't want to.
0:37
Speaker 1: I mean, life is great, everything's amazing. By the time
0:40
Speaker 1: this episode comes out, I would have gone to NUSA
0:42
Speaker 1: just for two hot days to do it. Little speech
0:45
Speaker 1: at my high school. Is that not the cutest thing
0:47
Speaker 1: for those of you playing at home. I grew up
0:49
Speaker 1: in NUSA. Well, from like ten to eighteen, I lived
0:52
Speaker 1: in NUSA, and I'm doing a speech at my high school.
0:57
Speaker 1: Well I'm recording this on Tuesday, and I'm Thursday. I'm
0:59
Speaker 1: doing this speech and I'm so excited to be so cute. Anyway,
1:02
Speaker 1: so I'm doing that with my high school bestie. It'll
1:05
Speaker 1: be fun times and yeah, I can't wait to actually
1:08
Speaker 1: like report back and see how it went, but yeah,
1:10
Speaker 1: so so cute. Okay, now I just want to dive
1:14
Speaker 1: straight in because I want to maximize this episode with
1:17
Speaker 1: some advice and content, So let's go straight in. There's
1:21
Speaker 1: some really great questions and they're all different topics, different themes,
1:25
Speaker 1: so I think it's a really well rounded EFP. Hello,
1:49
Speaker 1: my beautiful beans. Whether you're a longtime listener to this
1:52
Speaker 1: podcast or tuning in for the first time, I hope
1:54
Speaker 1: you'll check out my new audio book, How to Chase
1:57
Speaker 1: Change Thirty Days to Master your Mindset. It's an actionable,
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Speaker 1: step by step thirty day guide to teach you how
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Speaker 1: to shift your mindset and create the change you want
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Speaker 1: to see in your life, from physical and mental health
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Speaker 1: to your relationships, career, self confidence, and beyond. How to
2:15
Speaker 1: Chase Change is available now wherever audiobooks are sold. Start
2:20
Speaker 1: listening today. Okay, first one, here we go. Hello Alexis
2:25
Speaker 1: UK been here, love my UK bean so much. Your
2:28
Speaker 1: podcast are so relatable and I've taken so much of
2:31
Speaker 1: your advice into my everyday life. Thank you. Isn't enough
2:33
Speaker 1: for the impact you've had. Thank you. My question today
2:37
Speaker 1: relates to routine versus ritual for the past six months
2:40
Speaker 1: at least, I have been getting up at the same
2:42
Speaker 1: time early in the morning and following a short routine
2:44
Speaker 1: of a walk and then a quick clean of the house.
2:47
Speaker 1: I did this on the back of your podcast that
2:48
Speaker 1: suggested showing up for yourself in this way can be
2:51
Speaker 1: a type of self love. A struggle to understand what
2:54
Speaker 1: people mean when they say you need to love yourself,
2:57
Speaker 1: but this kind of action felt tangible to me. I
3:00
Speaker 1: have found the routine to be useful, but recently came
3:03
Speaker 1: across the concept of slow living and doing the same
3:06
Speaker 1: things every morning, but taking everything in your own stride.
3:09
Speaker 1: I didn't look into this any further and thought I
3:11
Speaker 1: would direct my question to you. The routine has provided
3:14
Speaker 1: structure and has kept me on track whilst being off
3:16
Speaker 1: work for a few weeks with burnout. My mental well
3:19
Speaker 1: being has had ups and downs during this time, and
3:22
Speaker 1: changing anything at this point feels a little risky. However,
3:25
Speaker 1: sometimes when I wake up early now, the tendency to
3:27
Speaker 1: not stick to it has increased, questioning what I need
3:31
Speaker 1: to be getting up for so urgently. I wonder if
3:33
Speaker 1: a little less regimented lifestyle may provide similar benefits, or
3:37
Speaker 1: would be more detrimental and lean into poorer mental health. Instead,
3:41
Speaker 1: I will be going back to work soon that I
3:43
Speaker 1: will have three to four days off a week where
3:46
Speaker 1: I will have the choice in how I start each day.
3:48
Speaker 1: I know it's not particularly interesting topic, but I wonder
3:51
Speaker 1: if you have any light to shed on the concepts.
3:53
Speaker 1: That's a great topic. I think it's very interesting and
3:55
Speaker 1: I think a lot of people will want to know
3:57
Speaker 1: because we talk about and I talk about the importance
3:59
Speaker 1: of routine, morning routine, all of that, and also the
4:02
Speaker 1: importance of this slow living and what is the point.
4:05
Speaker 1: Let first let's talk about the benefits of each What
4:08
Speaker 1: is this slow living and this slowing down movement all about.
4:13
Speaker 1: I love absolutely everything about it. When when you look
4:16
Speaker 1: at it from like, you know, a benefits perspective, it's
4:19
Speaker 1: getting you to be more present in the moment. Ultimately,
4:21
Speaker 1: that is the point. That is the number one main
4:24
Speaker 1: reason for this slow movement is everything so often is
4:28
Speaker 1: done with while we're doing something, we're thinking about the
4:30
Speaker 1: next thing, while we're doing this thing now, we're thinking,
4:32
Speaker 1: so our mind is rarely ever in what we are
4:34
Speaker 1: doing in that moment, and happiness can only be had
4:37
Speaker 1: in that moment. So by slowing down quote unquote, and
4:42
Speaker 1: most of what's slowing down, you're not physically doing things.
4:44
Speaker 1: You're not walking slower, you're not what you're basically just
4:47
Speaker 1: doing one thing at a time, and you're really putting
4:50
Speaker 1: your energy and effort into you're doing, like you're taking
4:53
Speaker 1: longer to like you're gonna cook a nice meal and
4:55
Speaker 1: you gotta sit down and you're gonna enjoy it instead
4:57
Speaker 1: of rushing, microwaving something, shoving it down your mouth while
4:59
Speaker 1: you're doing something. So you're slowing it right down. But
5:02
Speaker 1: really the point of all of that is to become
5:04
Speaker 1: more present. Do I think that slowing things down and
5:07
Speaker 1: this slow movement thing is good? Yes, it's great. I
5:09
Speaker 1: think everything about it is great. I love it, Okay,
5:12
Speaker 1: love a slow morning, Love everything about it. What are
5:15
Speaker 1: the benefits of routine? The benefits of routine are to
5:19
Speaker 1: outsource certain things that you know you want to get
5:21
Speaker 1: done every single day to your subconscious mind. It cuts
5:24
Speaker 1: out the decision making process of so many things. It
5:26
Speaker 1: helps you become more disciplined. It actually gives you more
5:29
Speaker 1: freedom because sometimes when we don't have a structure to
5:32
Speaker 1: our day, we think it's freedom go listen to my
5:35
Speaker 1: discipline is freedom episode we think it's freedom, but actually
5:38
Speaker 1: what ends up happening is we're too scattered in what
5:40
Speaker 1: we do and we actually don't get much done. And
5:44
Speaker 1: then because we're not getting much done, we're not satisfied.
5:46
Speaker 1: And when we feel a lack of satisfaction, that's when
5:48
Speaker 1: we reach to instant feel good things. For example, the
5:51
Speaker 1: main one which is our phone, right, and our phones
5:53
Speaker 1: we're scrolling, and then we have less motivation to do things,
5:55
Speaker 1: and then we don't get those things done. So while
5:57
Speaker 1: we think what we've tricked ourselves into thinking that we've
6:00
Speaker 1: had like a relaxing day, often you've had a day
6:03
Speaker 1: where you've wasted time that you're never going to get back.
6:05
Speaker 1: And I'm not talking about you got to maximize your
6:07
Speaker 1: time to make a dollar make every No, I'm talking
6:09
Speaker 1: about time where you could have been happy, time where
6:12
Speaker 1: you could have felt good and you know, in a
6:15
Speaker 1: good mood or relaxed. So when I talk about maximizing time,
6:19
Speaker 1: it's not about necessarily hustling. It's about was I really
6:23
Speaker 1: present in that moment? Did I enjoy myself in that time?
6:25
Speaker 1: Because when we get home and lie on the couch
6:27
Speaker 1: and doom scroll. You cannot say that you can look
6:30
Speaker 1: back in ten years time being like those were the
6:32
Speaker 1: good times. The hours and hours and hours that I
6:35
Speaker 1: spent just scrolling on my phone. It's not that it's
6:37
Speaker 1: the slow meal that I made, it's a slow walk.
6:40
Speaker 1: It's so to your question, why am I getting up
6:43
Speaker 1: so early with so much urgency? You do not have
6:46
Speaker 1: to be. You could still have a routine that ties
6:50
Speaker 1: into slow living. You can also have a routine on
6:53
Speaker 1: a work morning that looks different to a routine on
6:55
Speaker 1: a non work morning. Okay, So when I talk about routines,
6:59
Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be this. Every single day has
7:02
Speaker 1: to be the same. If it doesn't work for you, okay,
7:06
Speaker 1: it's more so so if you look at my weekends,
7:08
Speaker 1: they're very different to my week days. And even on
7:11
Speaker 1: my week days, there are a time where I change
7:13
Speaker 1: things up. Many times where I change things up because
7:16
Speaker 1: of I'm way too sore to train. I thought i'd
7:18
Speaker 1: be good to train. It's not going to happen because
7:20
Speaker 1: I also have to listen to my body. You have
7:21
Speaker 1: to allow for a lot of leeway in these routines
7:25
Speaker 1: because you don't want to ignore your needs either. But
7:28
Speaker 1: the benefit of a routine is it's there to serve you,
7:32
Speaker 1: so you get things done kind of habit stacking and
7:35
Speaker 1: all of that, so you feel like I've smashed this
7:37
Speaker 1: out without having to think about it. Now I can
7:39
Speaker 1: invest my creative energy and my decision making quota into
7:43
Speaker 1: other things that are more important to me. Okay, So
7:47
Speaker 1: again back to your question. If there is no reason
7:50
Speaker 1: to get up early, and you do not enjoy getting
7:53
Speaker 1: up early, don't get up early. There is no necessarily
7:57
Speaker 1: a benefit in getting up early as far as where
8:01
Speaker 1: your body clock is, and if you're someone that just
8:04
Speaker 1: likes to get up a bit later, that is perfectly fine.
8:06
Speaker 1: I know I bang on about getting up earlier because
8:09
Speaker 1: A it's something that a lot of people ask me,
8:10
Speaker 1: how do I get up early because I like maximizing
8:12
Speaker 1: my mornings. B Because I personally love getting up around
8:17
Speaker 1: the time that the sun comes up because I enjoy it.
8:20
Speaker 1: But if there's absolutely no need and no desire, do
8:23
Speaker 1: not feel pressure to do that. You've got to work
8:25
Speaker 1: with the routine that works for you. The only thing
8:28
Speaker 1: to pay attention to when people talk about slow mornings
8:31
Speaker 1: is that sometimes this slow morning can be misinterpreted as
8:36
Speaker 1: do whatever you want and do whatever feels good. There's
8:38
Speaker 1: a fine line between listening to what your body needs
8:41
Speaker 1: versus doing what just feels satisfying in the moment, because
8:45
Speaker 1: it's kind of like a trick that your mind plays
8:47
Speaker 1: on you. Okay, because what feels satisfying in the moment
8:50
Speaker 1: can be leading into these addictive habits and addictive behaviors
8:54
Speaker 1: that pulls you into a loop. Like opening your phone
8:56
Speaker 1: the first thing in the morning. That might be like, oh,
8:59
Speaker 1: I wouldn't it be nice to stay in bed and
9:00
Speaker 1: start slow and just scroll through Instagram. That's not helpful
9:03
Speaker 1: and it's not good for your brain. Okay, you deplete
9:07
Speaker 1: yourself from you know, you're spiking your dope. I mean,
9:10
Speaker 1: then you deplete it. You're not maximizing this beautiful time
9:13
Speaker 1: in the morning when you've just woken up. And I'm
9:14
Speaker 1: not saying because you've got to get it earlier around,
9:16
Speaker 1: but even if you work up at eight o'clock or
9:17
Speaker 1: nine or whatever the hell you want to wake up,
9:20
Speaker 1: even if you want a slow morning, you've got to
9:22
Speaker 1: make sure you're doing the right things for you to
9:24
Speaker 1: feel good for your mental health. You said you took
9:26
Speaker 1: time because of burnout. So you've got to make sure
9:28
Speaker 1: that you're taking care of your brain and your mind
9:30
Speaker 1: if you're feeling burnt out. So a slow morning for you,
9:33
Speaker 1: make sure that it's healthy. I want to wake up
9:36
Speaker 1: and maybe I want to spend you know, thirty minutes
9:39
Speaker 1: at home lounging around. I wouldn't necessarily in my bed
9:41
Speaker 1: because I look at bed for sleep. So but maybe
9:44
Speaker 1: grab a book, make yourself a tea, sit on the
9:46
Speaker 1: couch and read for thirty minutes. Sit on the deck
9:48
Speaker 1: or the balcony or whatever, the front doorstep and read
9:50
Speaker 1: for thirty minutes. That's not with your tea, you know,
9:52
Speaker 1: put it away. I don't like exercising in the morning.
9:54
Speaker 1: I don't exercise in the morning. That's fine, but it's like,
9:57
Speaker 1: how do I still incorporate a slow morning, which is great,
10:01
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with that, And how do I then turn
10:03
Speaker 1: this into something that's still going to be quite healthy
10:06
Speaker 1: for me? So I'm not engaging in addictive behaviors. I'm
10:08
Speaker 1: not tricking myself saying, oh but this is I'm doing,
10:12
Speaker 1: it's me time, I'm doing whatever, but then doing something
10:14
Speaker 1: that's going to be detrimental. So don't lean into these
10:17
Speaker 1: addictive behaviors. Still, make sure that you're doing things that
10:19
Speaker 1: are going to benefit your future self. Don't think instant
10:22
Speaker 1: gratification means I'm doing myself a favor and I'm doing
10:24
Speaker 1: a slow routine because it's not okay. So make sure
10:28
Speaker 1: that even when you're incorporating slow things, you're going to
10:30
Speaker 1: ask yourself, is this beneficial for the future me? And
10:34
Speaker 1: is it helping my brain? Now I'm not saying you've
10:36
Speaker 1: got to look at analyze everything and oh now I
10:39
Speaker 1: can't do anything, but I'm talking about when we're talking
10:41
Speaker 1: about something that has to be done daily, and we're
10:43
Speaker 1: talking about someone who's taken time off because they've had burnout,
10:47
Speaker 1: you do have to be kind of looking at it
10:49
Speaker 1: through the lens of overall, is this good for my
10:51
Speaker 1: mental health? Okay, I've got no problem with being on
10:54
Speaker 1: your phone. I fucking go on my phone very often,
10:56
Speaker 1: but I'm quite strict of when it happens, and it
10:58
Speaker 1: does not happen in the morning when I'm doing things,
11:01
Speaker 1: even on my Saturdays. My Saturdays are my slowest days.
11:04
Speaker 1: I get up later, I take the dog for a walk,
11:07
Speaker 1: I come back, then I go into the markets, I
11:09
Speaker 1: meet my girlfriends, We have coffee, we walk around, we
11:11
Speaker 1: buy pastries. Every Saturday we do that, and I do
11:15
Speaker 1: not scroll on my phone until way later in the
11:18
Speaker 1: morning when I get back home after all of that. Okay,
11:21
Speaker 1: So even in the slowest of mornings, I'm still making
11:24
Speaker 1: sure that I'm doing things where I feel really fulfilled,
11:26
Speaker 1: I feel really happy. I could look back at every
11:28
Speaker 1: single Saturday morning I've had for the last year and
11:30
Speaker 1: be like, those are the good times, Okay, because I'm present.
11:34
Speaker 1: Am I doing anything for my career or my job, No,
11:37
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. But am I really enjoying it? Am I
11:39
Speaker 1: really present? Am I really in the moment? Am I
11:41
Speaker 1: really slowing down? Am I listening to my body? Yes? Yes, yes, yes, yes,
11:44
Speaker 1: and yes. Okay. So that's kind of my definition between
11:47
Speaker 1: the need for routine and slow you can combine the two,
11:51
Speaker 1: all right, And I'm glad you asked that question because
11:53
Speaker 1: it's a good opportunity for me to clarify that as well.
11:56
Speaker 1: So thank you. Next question, Hi, go your podcast. I
12:00
Speaker 1: listened to it all the time and I recently bought
12:02
Speaker 1: your Neuroscience of Self Love book. Thank you you are
12:05
Speaker 1: such an inspiration. My question is how do I stop
12:09
Speaker 1: my negative self talk. I want to improve my life
12:12
Speaker 1: and my mindset, but I always seem to bounce back
12:14
Speaker 1: to my old ways and am never consistent. I've tried
12:18
Speaker 1: many things such as kind to self talk and meditation,
12:21
Speaker 1: along with other things, but I always fall back into
12:24
Speaker 1: this rut. When I try these things, I never fully
12:27
Speaker 1: believe them, but I know I want to. I'm also
12:31
Speaker 1: a smoker, and I have tried to quit many times,
12:33
Speaker 1: but the same thing happens where I think, what's the point.
12:36
Speaker 1: I'm never going to succeed, I'll only fall off the
12:38
Speaker 1: wagon again and never one hundred percent believe myself when
12:41
Speaker 1: I say this is what I really want. In the end,
12:44
Speaker 1: I always give up and take the easier way out,
12:47
Speaker 1: returning to these old habits. It's just not this. It's
12:50
Speaker 1: not just the smoking, though. It could be anything from
12:52
Speaker 1: trying to make friends to saying affirmations. I just can't
12:55
Speaker 1: stop myself from thinking these negative thoughts that I can't
12:57
Speaker 1: do this, or I don't believe it's true, or they
13:00
Speaker 1: probably don't like me. How do I stop this negative
13:03
Speaker 1: mindset and get myself to believe the changes I make
13:05
Speaker 1: are real? Okay, there's two things that you can do.
13:08
Speaker 1: The first one has to do with how you're changing
13:11
Speaker 1: your thoughts, and the second one is going to do
13:14
Speaker 1: with behaviors that you can do. Let's talk about the
13:17
Speaker 1: first one. So we're talking about how you can change
13:18
Speaker 1: your thoughts, you're saying, I don't believe these statements. That's
13:21
Speaker 1: my issue with a lot of affirmations. Okay. I think
13:24
Speaker 1: affirmations are fucking phenomenal. They're very good when done properly,
13:27
Speaker 1: and there's a lot of evidence to back how good
13:30
Speaker 1: they are for the brain as well and for your
13:32
Speaker 1: self esteem and all of that shit. Okay. However, the
13:36
Speaker 1: reason affirmations are so good for you is because they
13:40
Speaker 1: it's based on what your belief is around the statement
13:44
Speaker 1: that you are saying. That's why people who always talk
13:46
Speaker 1: about how they're sick are getting more and more and
13:49
Speaker 1: more sick, okay, or the people that always talk about
13:52
Speaker 1: how easy it is to do this and how easy
13:54
Speaker 1: things just keep coming their way. Okay. You kind of
13:56
Speaker 1: create your own reality based on your language. But the
13:59
Speaker 1: big asterisks on is it has to be underlined with belief. Okay. So,
14:03
Speaker 1: for example, if you're making a statement that you don't
14:06
Speaker 1: really believe it's not going to be that beneficial or detrimental.
14:09
Speaker 1: For example, like I heard recently someone saying, you've got
14:13
Speaker 1: to be so careful with your language because when you
14:15
Speaker 1: say things, that's going to be your reality. And I'm like,
14:17
Speaker 1: that's not really the truth unless you believe it. Like
14:19
Speaker 1: when people say, oh my god, I'm dead, I'm dead,
14:21
Speaker 1: You're not actually dead and you're not gonna die because
14:24
Speaker 1: you don't believe that you're dead when you're reacting to
14:26
Speaker 1: something funny saying I'm dead, Okay, so that's you're safe.
14:28
Speaker 1: Don't freak out about those kinds of statements. It's all
14:31
Speaker 1: around the beliefs behind it. Right now, when you're saying
14:34
Speaker 1: an affirmation and you don't believe, it's because your negative
14:36
Speaker 1: self talk is too loud and this affirmation feels way
14:39
Speaker 1: too far from your current reality. Okay, that is why
14:43
Speaker 1: you don't stick to it, because you're like, this does
14:46
Speaker 1: not feel real, doesn't feel right, and it's a waste
14:49
Speaker 1: of my time and me saying it doesn't. If anything,
14:51
Speaker 1: it probably makes it feel worse, okay, because it highlights
14:54
Speaker 1: the gap between where you are and where you want
14:56
Speaker 1: to be. So instead when you do your affirmations, you
14:59
Speaker 1: got to find the most neutral feeling thought right now.
15:02
Speaker 1: Your aim isn't to feel spectacular. Your aim is to
15:05
Speaker 1: feel neutral. We want to go from negative to neutral.
15:07
Speaker 1: It's one step at a time. So firstly, and this
15:11
Speaker 1: is not gonna be fun, but it's important identify the
15:14
Speaker 1: main thoughts. And I feel like one of your main
15:15
Speaker 1: negative thoughts is that you never stick something through. You
15:18
Speaker 1: can never get something done, you can never stick to something,
15:21
Speaker 1: and you always say you fall off the bandwagon, you quit,
15:23
Speaker 1: You're always a quitter. You're a quitter. Okay, that's your
15:25
Speaker 1: negative self talk. I'm a quitter, I'm a quitter, I'm acquitter.
15:28
Speaker 1: And then it's this kind of confirmation biased because you
15:30
Speaker 1: can think of all these examples where you've quit something. Okay,
15:33
Speaker 1: you bring them up, and you bring them up, so
15:35
Speaker 1: instead you can start to reword that language and say,
15:40
Speaker 1: I have quit on many things. However, there are things
15:43
Speaker 1: that I can stick to, and start to list things
15:46
Speaker 1: that you have stuck to, and I don't care how
15:48
Speaker 1: mundane they are, but I want you to prove to
15:50
Speaker 1: yourself that there are behaviors that you can take on
15:53
Speaker 1: that you can stick to, for example, brushing your teeth. Okay,
15:56
Speaker 1: you have stuck to that, right, what's another thing that
15:59
Speaker 1: you have stuck to, going to work, going to school, studying,
16:03
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Start thinking, well, I've kind of stuck
16:05
Speaker 1: to that. I have stuck to that. I have stuck
16:07
Speaker 1: to that. You know, what is something that you regularly clean?
16:10
Speaker 1: What is something that you do? And there's all these behaviors,
16:13
Speaker 1: and I know they sound mundane, but it doesn't matter
16:16
Speaker 1: because the brain is not here to discriminate. Okay. The
16:19
Speaker 1: brain is here to do the best with what you
16:21
Speaker 1: give it as far as what you tell it. And
16:24
Speaker 1: then when you give your brain to hold onto something,
16:26
Speaker 1: it will run with it. Right now, it's running in
16:28
Speaker 1: the direction you don't want to run with because you're
16:30
Speaker 1: giving it all these negative like I'm I don't stick
16:32
Speaker 1: to things. So it's like, all right, cool, you don't
16:33
Speaker 1: stick to things. I'll make sure that that's what happens
16:36
Speaker 1: for you. I'm doing your favor, doing what you want
16:39
Speaker 1: me to do. Instead, you want to start to change it,
16:42
Speaker 1: and then you want to get to the most neutral
16:43
Speaker 1: feeling thoughts. So, for example, if you say I'm a failure,
16:46
Speaker 1: don't be so universal with your language. Don't be so catastrophic.
16:48
Speaker 1: You want to say I have failed at a handful
16:51
Speaker 1: of things. Yes, but I have passed certain things as well,
16:54
Speaker 1: or I've completed certain things as well. I am capable
16:58
Speaker 1: of doing something. You could say I am physically capable
17:03
Speaker 1: of quitting smoking. You are physically capable, right, You know
17:06
Speaker 1: it because the physicality smoking is picking up a cigarette
17:08
Speaker 1: puting in your mouth. You know that physically it's possible.
17:11
Speaker 1: It's in the realm of possibility. You know it's possible.
17:14
Speaker 1: Have you proven it to you? It doesn't matter. Let's
17:16
Speaker 1: find a neutral thought. It is possible for me to
17:19
Speaker 1: quit smoking. So that's going to be your next thought.
17:21
Speaker 1: It's possible. Have I shine how I can do it? Not?
17:24
Speaker 1: But that's irrelevant. Then the next thought above that is,
17:28
Speaker 1: if I had the right parameters in place, it would
17:31
Speaker 1: be likely that I could quit smoking. See, that's the
17:34
Speaker 1: next step up. If I had if I felt supported,
17:38
Speaker 1: if I felt that I had other things that I
17:40
Speaker 1: could be, you know, focusing on and other exciting things,
17:43
Speaker 1: and I could replace smoking with something else, then it
17:46
Speaker 1: would be probably more likely. And then there's the next
17:48
Speaker 1: rung up, The next rung up, the next roup all
17:50
Speaker 1: of these have to be believable before you take the
17:52
Speaker 1: next step. Okay, in the interim, Now, let's look at
17:55
Speaker 1: behaviors that you can be doing so you don't have
17:57
Speaker 1: such a negative self talk. I want you to stop
17:59
Speaker 1: because smoking is a big one. We're not only talking
18:02
Speaker 1: about starting a behavior or quitting a behavior, but we're
18:04
Speaker 1: talking about a chemical addiction. So I think to start
18:09
Speaker 1: when you're someone that's always where you're telling yourself you
18:12
Speaker 1: can never see something through. To start with a chemical
18:15
Speaker 1: addiction as one of the first things to prove that
18:18
Speaker 1: you can do something, you're really setting the bar high
18:20
Speaker 1: because a chemical addiction is quite difficult. And when we're
18:25
Speaker 1: talking about willpower, you almost want to be like, all right,
18:28
Speaker 1: I need to be working on my willpower in order
18:31
Speaker 1: to then tackle this chemical addiction that I've got. So
18:34
Speaker 1: let's start with something quite basic. I want you to
18:36
Speaker 1: start doing something every single day, right, and I want
18:40
Speaker 1: it to be small and basic, but you do it
18:43
Speaker 1: every single day, or if you don't want to do
18:45
Speaker 1: it every single day, you don't want to set that
18:47
Speaker 1: hard thing. I want you to do this rule of
18:49
Speaker 1: no two days off in a row. So you get
18:51
Speaker 1: a chart you put it up. I don't care if
18:52
Speaker 1: it's ugly. Put it up in your kitchen or in
18:54
Speaker 1: your bedroom, right next to your bed, and you're going
18:56
Speaker 1: to do that thing as often as it takes it.
19:00
Speaker 1: No two days off in a row, okay, and you
19:02
Speaker 1: do a cross on the days that you do it,
19:04
Speaker 1: and then you leave blank the days that you haven't
19:06
Speaker 1: done it. And as long as there's no two days
19:08
Speaker 1: off touching each other, you're doing well, all right. So
19:12
Speaker 1: that's what I use as like second to doing something
19:15
Speaker 1: every day. So it's still there's quite a significant level
19:18
Speaker 1: of consistency. You could have three days in a row,
19:19
Speaker 1: one day off, that's fine, three days of. As long
19:21
Speaker 1: as it's not two days off, you're killing it. Now
19:24
Speaker 1: I want you to pick what that thing is going
19:25
Speaker 1: to be. Okay, this is just an exercise in willpower.
19:29
Speaker 1: Now I have a brain fact on this. But there
19:31
Speaker 1: is a region in the brain. The name of it's
19:33
Speaker 1: escaping me right now. I'm really annoying because I want
19:36
Speaker 1: to think of what the name is. But there's a
19:37
Speaker 1: region in the brain that literally grows when you administer willpower, grit, tenacity,
19:42
Speaker 1: all of that, and it literally shrinks when you don't, okay,
19:46
Speaker 1: and this is not one of those things. So elite
19:48
Speaker 1: athletes who are really disciplined have a much larger area
19:51
Speaker 1: in that brain, and people that never see something through
19:53
Speaker 1: or are really like slack with either their training or
19:55
Speaker 1: they're eating or whatever, it's a lot smaller. And the
19:57
Speaker 1: beauty of this is that they're not born with read
20:00
Speaker 1: It's not like, oh, the size of it is causal
20:02
Speaker 1: to how much willpower you have. It's the other way around.
20:05
Speaker 1: The more you do hard things, the bigger that area grows,
20:08
Speaker 1: and the easier it becomes to administer willpower. So those
20:12
Speaker 1: people that are doing those hard things that you're like,
20:14
Speaker 1: I could never it's not as hard for them anymore.
20:17
Speaker 1: That's why they're still doing it. If it was as
20:19
Speaker 1: hard as it was from day one, they probably maybe
20:22
Speaker 1: wouldn't be doing it anymore. So you've got to look
20:24
Speaker 1: at people that have crazy willpower and think, yes, it
20:26
Speaker 1: still requires willpower, but because that part of the brain
20:29
Speaker 1: has grown, it's now so much easier for them to
20:31
Speaker 1: just see it through and stick to it and just
20:33
Speaker 1: do it and have the discipline. Okay, So what our
20:36
Speaker 1: aim here is to start to train your brain to
20:40
Speaker 1: see something through, So let's start small. So we're going
20:44
Speaker 1: to start with something really basic. It could be a
20:47
Speaker 1: language app. It could be I'm gonna get my matt out,
20:51
Speaker 1: roll it at and just stretch for ten minutes as
20:53
Speaker 1: often as possible, as many days in a row as possible,
20:56
Speaker 1: and if I have one day, if that's fine, And
20:57
Speaker 1: we're talking bay sick things, and ideally I want you
21:02
Speaker 1: to do something. That's why I've chosen stretching, or like
21:04
Speaker 1: a language app or whatever, or reading ten minutes of reading,
21:08
Speaker 1: ten minutes of reading. Okay. The reason I'm choosing these
21:11
Speaker 1: really basic things is because for starters, I want you
21:14
Speaker 1: to do something that's not attached to emotion. You've already
21:17
Speaker 1: tried quitting smoking several times. You've already tried all this,
21:20
Speaker 1: and it's quite your emotions are quite heightened around that.
21:22
Speaker 1: They're very negative. It's very loud, this head noise that
21:25
Speaker 1: you've got. So I want you to start with something
21:27
Speaker 1: that's neutral emotion. Okay. These activities that I just mentioned
21:31
Speaker 1: really short amount of time that you dedicate towards it,
21:33
Speaker 1: five to ten minutes, and that you don't have to
21:35
Speaker 1: do every single day, but ideally as often as possible,
21:38
Speaker 1: or just no, two days off in a row. Okay,
21:40
Speaker 1: then you're going to start to do it. And that's
21:42
Speaker 1: when you start to realize that you can see something through.
21:47
Speaker 1: Once you prove something to yourself, it gets easier to
21:50
Speaker 1: prove the next thing that's a little bit harder, and
21:52
Speaker 1: then the next thing, and then the next thing and
21:53
Speaker 1: the next thing. What you need to do is you
21:56
Speaker 1: need to create a new reputation. The reputation and you
22:00
Speaker 1: have created for yourself doesn't serve you, but it is
22:03
Speaker 1: screaming at you. I have a reputation where I don't
22:06
Speaker 1: stick to anything, and I keep saying that, saying that,
22:09
Speaker 1: saying that your negative self talk isn't trying to lie
22:12
Speaker 1: to you. It's just saying what you believe your reality
22:15
Speaker 1: to be. I don't stick to anything, and it's true.
22:17
Speaker 1: Here's all these examples where I don't. So what we're
22:19
Speaker 1: trying to do is we're going to change our reputation.
22:22
Speaker 1: And the only way, the only way you can change
22:25
Speaker 1: your reputation is through obviously consistency, showing up repeatedly and
22:31
Speaker 1: looking back at your behaviors and your actions and noticing change.
22:35
Speaker 1: So that's why I mean it doesn't matter how small
22:37
Speaker 1: it is. It does not matter how small it is,
22:39
Speaker 1: because that is still enough to change your perception of
22:43
Speaker 1: your own reputation. Okay, hopefully that has given you a
22:47
Speaker 1: little bit more oomph to start, And if it means
22:49
Speaker 1: delaying the quitting smoking for a bit, that's okay. Maybe
22:52
Speaker 1: in the meantime you reduce your smoking by one cigarette day,
22:54
Speaker 1: one cigarette, that kind of thing. But I feel like
22:57
Speaker 1: at the moment for you, every time you start and
23:00
Speaker 1: quit and startling, it gets harder and harder and harder
23:02
Speaker 1: to quit because you quit for a shorter and shorter
23:04
Speaker 1: and shorter amount of time because of this really loud
23:07
Speaker 1: head noise that you've got, So focus on something else
23:09
Speaker 1: with less emotion. Start to grow your willpower, start to
23:13
Speaker 1: change your your what's the word that I was just using,
23:20
Speaker 1: reputation with yourself, and then you're going to see some
23:24
Speaker 1: significant changes in how you what you believe about yourself.
23:28
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for writing that. In all right, second,
23:52
Speaker 1: last one, I am stuck between two worlds. Help. First
23:56
Speaker 1: of all, I wanted to say. I wanted to start
23:58
Speaker 1: by saying I share your pet. I hate for County
24:01
Speaker 1: small dog owners. I have a chalky lab. Sweet boy,
24:04
Speaker 1: I have a chocky lab who's a big I'm guessing
24:06
Speaker 1: it's a boy who's a big baby. And we constantly
24:09
Speaker 1: get shited from small dog owners. A dog parks and
24:12
Speaker 1: it grinds my gears. Oh my god, I know, and
24:14
Speaker 1: mind you, there's so many great small dog owners out there,
24:16
Speaker 1: so we're not we're speaking to the mean ones that
24:18
Speaker 1: yell at us for having a big dog, for just
24:20
Speaker 1: having a big dog that exists, Like, I don't mind
24:22
Speaker 1: if you yell at me if my dog was actually
24:24
Speaker 1: causing a scene, like I will gladly be yelled at.
24:27
Speaker 1: But when he's just like trotting along and sniffing a flower,
24:31
Speaker 1: don't you dare judge me when your dog's jumping on me. Anyway,
24:35
Speaker 1: I could just go on another tangent, and I won't.
24:37
Speaker 1: I won't, So we're gonna dive in. I started listening
24:41
Speaker 1: to your pod earlier this year, and it is part
24:43
Speaker 1: of my daily routine. Thank you. I honestly find it
24:46
Speaker 1: so inspiring and relatable. Your confidence and ability to have
24:49
Speaker 1: a voice for others inspires me, and I'm hoping you
24:51
Speaker 1: can help with my dilemma. I'm stuck between two worlds.
24:55
Speaker 1: I grew up in England and I left at age
24:57
Speaker 1: twenty one to go backpacking in Australia. Fast forward thirteen years.
25:01
Speaker 1: I'm now thirty four and have been living in Australia
25:03
Speaker 1: for thirteen years. That's amazing. From a backpacking trip, that's epic.
25:09
Speaker 1: I love Brisbane and now consider it my home. There
25:11
Speaker 1: is just one giant problem. My family aren't here, none
25:16
Speaker 1: of them, and it's a hole in my life. I
25:18
Speaker 1: miss my family so much. My dad is aging and
25:21
Speaker 1: I realize I'm missing out on crucial years with him.
25:24
Speaker 1: Mum's not on the scene. The problem is when I
25:27
Speaker 1: go back to England now, I feel I no longer
25:29
Speaker 1: belong I've outgrown it and I've seen all the wonders
25:32
Speaker 1: that Australia has to offer, and the list is endless.
25:35
Speaker 1: I would only be moving back for my family's sake,
25:37
Speaker 1: which is a huge reason obviously, but I'm worried I
25:40
Speaker 1: would resent them in the long run, giving up the
25:42
Speaker 1: amazing life I have here. But I also can't shake
25:45
Speaker 1: the feeling I will have regrets staying here and missing
25:49
Speaker 1: out on what's most important in life, family, especially if
25:53
Speaker 1: slash when I have children. For context. I recently text
25:58
Speaker 1: I recently went through a breakup with my toxic fiance
26:00
Speaker 1: have seven years. We sold our house and we co
26:03
Speaker 1: parent our beautiful dog. Not ideal. So hard, isn't it?
26:06
Speaker 1: I would have to Oh my god, I don't know how.
26:08
Speaker 1: I'd imagine how bib oh. I'd definitely be co parenting him.
26:11
Speaker 1: I met a crossroads, and my family are aware of that.
26:14
Speaker 1: If I was ever to move back, now would be
26:17
Speaker 1: the time. They have always encouraged me to live my
26:20
Speaker 1: life and follow my dreams. However, recently they have expressed
26:23
Speaker 1: how much they missed me and wish I was close by.
26:26
Speaker 1: It breaks my heart and I know they think me
26:28
Speaker 1: a little selfish for never coming back and living my
26:31
Speaker 1: life here. I try to go back most years for
26:33
Speaker 1: a holiday, and every year I see how much they
26:36
Speaker 1: are aging. It's like a punch in the gut every time,
26:39
Speaker 1: and so hard to leave when it gets to my
26:41
Speaker 1: final days here. We are so so close and I
26:44
Speaker 1: love them more than anything. But I also love Australia
26:47
Speaker 1: and the life I have built here. I have a
26:49
Speaker 1: good government job, my beautiful dog, and built some great friendships.
26:54
Speaker 1: I don't know what to do, and it's consuming me.
26:56
Speaker 1: I've put my life on hold in terms of dating,
26:58
Speaker 1: re entering the property market, or making any future plans
27:01
Speaker 1: because I'm in this limbo. I'm not getting any younger,
27:04
Speaker 1: and I need to make a decision. But the sheer
27:06
Speaker 1: magnitude of this decision has me paralyzed. Please help. That
27:10
Speaker 1: is such an intense decision, and I totally totally see
27:15
Speaker 1: why it's like tearing you apart. I can only imagine
27:18
Speaker 1: how intense and difficult that would be, honestly, But I
27:21
Speaker 1: want to ask you a question, were any of these
27:25
Speaker 1: intense beliefs happening when you were in a relationship, Because
27:29
Speaker 1: sometimes there's so much pressure that's put on us when
27:31
Speaker 1: we're single, or perceived pressure. I should say that we
27:36
Speaker 1: think there's added pressure, you know, when we're single, because
27:39
Speaker 1: there's more like flexibility with your life from the outside
27:44
Speaker 1: point of view versus when you're in a relationship, Like
27:47
Speaker 1: if you're in a relationship with an Australian, for example,
27:49
Speaker 1: so that you're more likely to probably stay here because
27:51
Speaker 1: a your life is here and b their life is
27:53
Speaker 1: also here. Would that change? How? Like? Were these crazy
28:00
Speaker 1: thoughts cropping up in the last seven years in this relationship,
28:03
Speaker 1: and I feel like, maybe not you feel you're at
28:05
Speaker 1: a cross roads just because you're now single and not
28:08
Speaker 1: in that relationship. So I also don't want you to
28:11
Speaker 1: feel that the relationship is what made it okay for
28:14
Speaker 1: you to stay. It's okay to want to stay somewhere
28:18
Speaker 1: because it is where you feel the most fulfilled and
28:21
Speaker 1: happy in your life. And I can also say that
28:24
Speaker 1: you can have a fulfilled life and still it not
28:29
Speaker 1: all be perfect or the picture not be complete. You
28:32
Speaker 1: can be extremely fulfilled and happy and miss something and
28:37
Speaker 1: mourn something and really desire something that you can't have,
28:41
Speaker 1: or feel like, you know, there's one world where you
28:44
Speaker 1: have this one great thing but everything else isn't great,
28:46
Speaker 1: or another world where everything's great and this one thing
28:49
Speaker 1: is missing. So that's one thing that I want to
28:51
Speaker 1: ask you, like, do you feel this added pressure because
28:53
Speaker 1: now you're not in that relationship, Because I don't want
28:56
Speaker 1: you to be hard on yourself thinking that now that
28:57
Speaker 1: you're single, you have to cater to people, whereas in
29:00
Speaker 1: the past you didn't. Now, the other thing that you
29:02
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself is realistically, realistically and don't be
29:07
Speaker 1: biased as in like, oh no, I wouldn't be How
29:10
Speaker 1: happy do you think you could really be living back
29:14
Speaker 1: back where, back in the UK? Like, what could your
29:19
Speaker 1: life look like? And try and get creative, don't be
29:21
Speaker 1: negative with it, try and get as creative as possible.
29:24
Speaker 1: What are the key things that make you happy about
29:27
Speaker 1: being in Australia and why is it that that is
29:31
Speaker 1: unique to being here? And I'm not saying to realize
29:34
Speaker 1: that there's nothing. There's many things that are going to
29:36
Speaker 1: be unique to your experience being here that you will
29:38
Speaker 1: not be able to recreate there. But I want you
29:39
Speaker 1: to identify what those things are and then say, is
29:44
Speaker 1: it possible that I could have a similar life to
29:45
Speaker 1: this or do I know that for sure? I would
29:49
Speaker 1: just be much happier and the life that I've built
29:51
Speaker 1: for myself and everything I've done to create this life,
29:53
Speaker 1: I've worked my ass for Now I'm here and I
29:55
Speaker 1: know for sure that this is where I'm supposed to be,
29:57
Speaker 1: and I'm happy. Okay, Because at the same time, nobody,
30:02
Speaker 1: nobody would benefit from you uprooting your entire life and
30:05
Speaker 1: moving back just for proximity, but then not being happy,
30:09
Speaker 1: feeling lost, feeling miserable. But then you're closer because then
30:12
Speaker 1: the quality of the relationship you're going to have if
30:14
Speaker 1: you're not happy anymore, is not going to be great. Okay.
30:18
Speaker 1: And when you miss someone, it's so hard because it's
30:24
Speaker 1: a symbol of how much you love them. But at
30:27
Speaker 1: the same time, when someone loves you so much, they
30:30
Speaker 1: of course they miss you. And there's nothing wrong with
30:32
Speaker 1: them saying that they miss you. And they might feel
30:35
Speaker 1: this way about maybe you're being a little bit selfish
30:37
Speaker 1: and it all comes down to them loving and missing you.
30:40
Speaker 1: But deep down, with someone you love, the thing that
30:45
Speaker 1: you desire the most is for them to be happy.
30:48
Speaker 1: That is the ultimate desire that you have, you know.
30:51
Speaker 1: And I've heard my grandparents migration stories many many times,
30:55
Speaker 1: and it was so difficult, even harder back then because
30:59
Speaker 1: you had to write to them. It took two weeks
31:01
Speaker 1: for a letter to get there and back. But my
31:02
Speaker 1: grandparents told me this story so many times. On both ends,
31:04
Speaker 1: my four grandparents, they all migrated to Australia. They left
31:07
Speaker 1: family behind, and it was the right thing for them
31:11
Speaker 1: to do. They you know, could they have stayed maybe
31:14
Speaker 1: and that would they have returned, And they both on
31:16
Speaker 1: both ends they were going to do it. Temporarily, just
31:19
Speaker 1: for two years. But then when they came here, they
31:22
Speaker 1: had this new life and they realized, no, this is
31:25
Speaker 1: our new life. We've built a life here. We're building
31:27
Speaker 1: a life here. This is going to be a home,
31:28
Speaker 1: and we're not going to come home. And it was
31:29
Speaker 1: very difficult, and I understand I'm talking about decades ago,
31:32
Speaker 1: but what I'm saying is that they all decided this
31:36
Speaker 1: is where my roots are. I know it, I know it,
31:39
Speaker 1: I feel it. This is my new trajectory. And it
31:42
Speaker 1: doesn't take away from the fact that I missed my
31:44
Speaker 1: family terribly and that will never go away. And the
31:48
Speaker 1: reason it's never going to go away is because my
31:49
Speaker 1: love for them will never go away. That won't change.
31:52
Speaker 1: I have to learn how to live with missing them,
31:54
Speaker 1: but also understand that the best I can be as
31:58
Speaker 1: a family member is to be be I. They want
32:02
Speaker 1: me to be happy. Could I have this happiness at home?
32:05
Speaker 1: Is there a version of my life that I could
32:07
Speaker 1: be excited about living at home? And is this why
32:10
Speaker 1: I'm also a bit torn because I think I could
32:12
Speaker 1: have it? Or do I know deep down in my
32:15
Speaker 1: heart that this is where I'm supposed to be And
32:17
Speaker 1: the only reason why go home is for the family,
32:19
Speaker 1: because if this is where you're supposed to be, then
32:21
Speaker 1: this is where you're supposed to be, do you know
32:24
Speaker 1: what I mean? And the missing is part of that.
32:28
Speaker 1: And there's so many people, millions and millions and millions
32:31
Speaker 1: and millions and millions of people around the world that
32:33
Speaker 1: have left a country and migrated and struggled with that
32:38
Speaker 1: regularly because they love their family. But you're not alone
32:43
Speaker 1: in feeling the way you're feeling, because the amount of
32:46
Speaker 1: people migrants that experience what you experience on a daily
32:50
Speaker 1: basis is just you know, I feel like I don't
32:55
Speaker 1: want you to feel guilty and feel like you're doing
32:56
Speaker 1: the wrong thing basically because you're not doing the wrong thing.
32:59
Speaker 1: It is natural, based on the crazy amount of people
33:04
Speaker 1: that have done it and continue to do it, to
33:06
Speaker 1: feel more at home somewhere else and for you to
33:09
Speaker 1: want to lay your roots down there. Okay, So what
33:11
Speaker 1: I don't want you're feeling is that if you make
33:13
Speaker 1: the decision to stay, I don't want you to feel
33:15
Speaker 1: like you've done the wrong thing because you haven't. Okay,
33:18
Speaker 1: just turn to all the millions of examples around you
33:20
Speaker 1: to be like, this is just in our nature to
33:22
Speaker 1: feel like we to feel compelled to do this and
33:25
Speaker 1: to find my home somewhere else that wasn't where I
33:27
Speaker 1: was born. Okay, I don't know if that answered your question.
33:31
Speaker 1: I guess I can't answer that question for you. It's
33:32
Speaker 1: just not possible. But I just hopefully that helped you
33:35
Speaker 1: look at it in many different ways. And I want
33:38
Speaker 1: you to realize that living here, part of that will
33:41
Speaker 1: be always missing your family. That is a part of it. Okay,
33:44
Speaker 1: But I think if they understand that the happiest you'll
33:47
Speaker 1: ever be is being here, that also would give them
33:49
Speaker 1: some comfort as well. Okay, all right, this is the
33:53
Speaker 1: last one for today. It's called Oh this one has
33:57
Speaker 1: a title. When is enough enough? Goodness, Alexis, please help.
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Speaker 1: I've been struggling with severe ruminating thoughts. For context, I
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Speaker 1: have two inner circle best friends that I have known
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Speaker 1: for sixteen years. Two years ago, my friendship with these
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Speaker 1: girls started to dwindle and drift apart, and they started
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Speaker 1: to act distant with me, invite me less, not be
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Speaker 1: very supportive, judgmental, and cared less and less for me
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Speaker 1: with no real reason why. After serious thought, I decided
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Speaker 1: to suddenly cut them off because they were mentally draining me.
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Speaker 1: It was hard to cut them out of my life,
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Speaker 1: get my own closure, and unfollow them on social media,
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Speaker 1: but it helped me grow exponentially. Cut to the present,
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Speaker 1: and I, for some reason, missed these two girls strongly.
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Speaker 1: I constantly catch myself reminiscing for all the good times
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Speaker 1: we had and cried that I'm not in contact with
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Speaker 1: these childhood friends anymore. I recently wished one of them
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Speaker 1: a happy birthday after not having texted her in two years,
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Speaker 1: and she wished me well, and I then asked her
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Speaker 1: to let me know if she ever wanted to catch
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Speaker 1: ups time, but she never did. I felt rejected at
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Speaker 1: that point, but still miss these goals being in my life.
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Speaker 1: Our friendship before was overall so healthy, fun and never toxic,
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Speaker 1: and I missed that part. I really feel like I
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Speaker 1: fucked up two years ago by not asking them to
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Speaker 1: have serious conversations about how I felt instead of just
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Speaker 1: walking away. Should I forget about them and move on
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Speaker 1: or see if our friendship can ever rekindle. I feel
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Speaker 1: like a silly wet dog pinning for these girls who
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Speaker 1: probably don't even miss me. That's great question, but okay,
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Speaker 1: there's a couple of things I'm going to say. The
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Speaker 1: first thing I'm going to say is maybe, and this
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Speaker 1: is just a minor details, so I'll address it quickly.
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Speaker 1: Maybe the reason that she didn't feel like she would
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Speaker 1: reach up and catch up with you is because you
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Speaker 1: ended up cutting them out and blocking them. So probably
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Speaker 1: felt that it would be awkward or uncomfortable, and that like,
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Speaker 1: too much time has passed and it's like kind of
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Speaker 1: that chapter and her life has ended, and she probably
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Speaker 1: just thought it's a bit weird. Now I might not
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Speaker 1: necessarily be a rejection or a like I don't like whatever,
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Speaker 1: but it might just be that, so I would like,
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Speaker 1: don't try not to look into that too deeply. But
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Speaker 1: another thing, and this is something that I've experienced personally
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Speaker 1: with romantic relationships. So one thing that we're really good
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Speaker 1: at doing is when something ends. And this could happen
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Speaker 1: immediately after, or it could happen a few years after,
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Speaker 1: and it's happened in bod scenarios for me in my past.
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Speaker 1: When something ends and then we begin to miss it,
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Speaker 1: we miss the good times, the earliest stages of it. Okay,
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Speaker 1: so you miss like the childhood friendship that you had
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Speaker 1: with them. You miss all these like beautiful moments and
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Speaker 1: beautiful memories, but none of those things even if you
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Speaker 1: hadn't cut them out, even if you had stayed in
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Speaker 1: the friendship, those times are still dead and gone, dead, done, finished,
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Speaker 1: dead in the water. Okay, the beautiful times, the childhood memories,
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Speaker 1: the love, the support, no gone. If you look at
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Speaker 1: they act a distant. They didn't you to things. They
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Speaker 1: weren't supportive, they were judgmental, and they cared less and
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Speaker 1: less for you for no, thank you very much. That
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Speaker 1: of how it was at the end is what you
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Speaker 1: have to remind yourself, not in a negative way, but
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Speaker 1: you've got to be like, I need to put shit
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Speaker 1: into perspective because what I left was this behavior. I
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Speaker 1: didn't leave this beautiful childhood friendship where we were so
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Speaker 1: amazing and so kind. I didn't walk away from that.
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Speaker 1: I walked away from what it evolved to, which was garbage. Okay,
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Speaker 1: now what you can do? So did you walk away?
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Speaker 1: Was it right for you to walk away? Yes? Because
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Speaker 1: you weren't respected, you weren't cared for. The friendship, wasn't
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Speaker 1: serving obviously, wasn't serving them, and it definitely wasn't serving you.
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Speaker 1: But I can also understand that you could feel like,
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Speaker 1: but there's so much longevity there. I wish I hadn't
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Speaker 1: fully cut them out. I wish there were still somewhat
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Speaker 1: in my life for old time's sake, and I do understand.
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Speaker 1: I understand that. So one thing that you could do,
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Speaker 1: and this is going to help you regard of the response,
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Speaker 1: is you could reach out to them and say, I
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Speaker 1: know a lot of time has passed and I feel
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Speaker 1: like the way things ended maybe weren't communicated across properly
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Speaker 1: with our friendship, and I don't expect our friendship to
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Speaker 1: be exactly as it used to be. But I would
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Speaker 1: actually love to have you girls in my life, even
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Speaker 1: if it's different to how it used to be. We
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Speaker 1: have so many great memories together and it would be
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Speaker 1: a shame to not continue this life journey, even if
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Speaker 1: it's not at the closeness level. Would you guys want
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Speaker 1: to catch up and meet up and chat? That way
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Speaker 1: you open the door. If they turn around and say no,
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Speaker 1: not interested, don't want it, don't whatever, then that's also
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Speaker 1: a good thing because it helps you with an answer,
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Speaker 1: because at the moment you're struggling. Yes, no, yes, no.
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Speaker 1: But what I don't want you to think is I've
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Speaker 1: done the wrong thing by cutting them out. You have
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Speaker 1: to remind yourself of what you cut out of your life.
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Speaker 1: You cut out an unhealthy friendship where well, I'm going
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Speaker 1: by what you're saying, every single story has to decide
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Speaker 1: to get that. But I'm going on your side of
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Speaker 1: the story where for no reason they have cut you
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Speaker 1: out and treated you like shit. Okay, they're not, they
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Speaker 1: would judge you, they were this that is not a
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Speaker 1: representation of what the friendship used to be. So you're
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Speaker 1: cutting out that. Okay, you didn't wake up one day
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Speaker 1: and think, you know what this beautiful childhood friendship with
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Speaker 1: where they treat me so well, bye bye? Cut them out.
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Speaker 1: That's not what you've done. So be a little bit
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Speaker 1: kinder to yourself. Put shit into perspective. Realize that you're
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Speaker 1: missing things that didn't even exist anymore when you were
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Speaker 1: in the friendship. Okay, you've got to remind yourself of
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Speaker 1: that the stuff I miss even if I had stayed
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Speaker 1: in the friendship, would not exist today anyway. So whether
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Speaker 1: I was in it or whether I'm out of it,
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Speaker 1: I would still miss it because it was gone, didn't
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Speaker 1: happen anymore. That's what I would do. I would just
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Speaker 1: if I still was like, no, I can't get over it.
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Speaker 1: I miss it too much. I can't. I can't, I can't,
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Speaker 1: then I would send that message. And either way, if
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Speaker 1: they respond positively, it's like, great, we've come full circle,
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Speaker 1: we've learned our lessons. We can still have some semblance
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Speaker 1: of a friendship. That's nice. If they don't, then they're like, well,
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Speaker 1: nothing much has changed in the last few in the
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Speaker 1: last like in that time since I cut them out,
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Speaker 1: they've just confirmed that it's just not meant to be.
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Speaker 1: So I'm actually happy that I have an answer. However,
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Speaker 1: when you send a message like that, you always have
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Speaker 1: to be prepared for all three outcomes positive outcome, negative outcome,
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Speaker 1: or no response whatsoever, which could interpret you could interpret
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Speaker 1: however you want to interpret. So it's always going to
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Speaker 1: be three outcomes, good, bad, or nothing no response. If
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Speaker 1: you are prepared for either of those outcomes, send the message.
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Speaker 1: If you are not prepared, then don't contact them. Okay,
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Speaker 1: that would be my advice to you, But don't bet
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Speaker 1: yourself up about it, because you got to be strict
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Speaker 1: with yourself. We are so fucking good at looking back,
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Speaker 1: and we do this with breakups as well. We're like,
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Speaker 1: oh my god, but that time that they did this
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Speaker 1: for men and we're reminiscing on like the really good
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Speaker 1: first year and we don't think about the last three
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Speaker 1: shit years. Okay, so don't torture yourself. You need to
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Speaker 1: get really like get strict with yourself saying we're not
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Speaker 1: gonna bullshit myself here and cry myself into a fucking
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Speaker 1: hole this afternoon when the sun is shining. What I'm
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Speaker 1: going to do is I'm going to everything out and
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Speaker 1: be really real and hard up with myself and be like,
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Speaker 1: what is fact? What is fiction? Let's get real. Okay.
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Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped. Guys. I love you so much. Thank
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Speaker 1: you for listening to me ramble, and thank you for
41:13
Speaker 1: sending in your questions. I love the questions. Whether it's
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Speaker 1: a voice message, whether it is written, I love them all.
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Speaker 1: If you want to send so the voice message, you
41:21
Speaker 1: go on the website dwifmpod dot com and you'll find
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Speaker 1: it there on the website and the little menu you
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Speaker 1: can send a voice message. If you want to send
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Speaker 1: me your story via email. You can do it through
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Speaker 1: the question box in the email, or you can email
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Speaker 1: directly at info at dwifmpod dot com. That is all
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Speaker 1: for today. As always remembered, you can't to yourself, be
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Speaker 1: can't to your broad don't take shit from anyone, and
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Speaker 1: especially don't take shit from yourself. Dunker