Latest / Coffee and Bible Time Podcast / Raising Faith-Filled Daughters | Sandra & Allie Stanley

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Raising Faith-Filled Daughters | Sandra & Allie Stanley · Coffee and Bible Time Podcast

• 1:01
  Ellen Krause: At the Coffee and Bible Time podcast.
• 1:03
  Ellen Krause: Our goal is to help you delight in God's Word and thrive in Christian living.
• 1:07
  Ellen Krause: Each week we talk to subject matter experts who broaden your biblical understanding, encourage you in hard times and provide life-building tips to enhance your Christian walk.
• 1:18
  Ellen Krause: We are so glad you have joined us.
• 1:21
  Ellen Krause: Welcome back to the Coffee and Bible Time podcast.
• 1:28
  Ellen Krause: This is Ellen, your host.
• 1:30
  Ellen Krause: You know, parenting through the teenage years can feel overwhelming.
• 1:34
  Ellen Krause: Conversations with our teens often don't happen until a crisis forces them to the surface.
• 1:40
  Ellen Krause: By then, walls are up, emotions are high and finding a way forward feels impossible.
• 1:47
  Ellen Krause: Our guests today, sandra Stanley and Allie Stanley Cooney, a mother-daughter team, have written Meet Me in the Middle to help us avoid that scenario.
• 1:59
  Ellen Krause: In this episode we'll hear from them about building strong, trusting relationships with our middle and high school daughters long before things get difficult.
• 2:10
  Ellen Krause: The key is to have those important conversations early, when things are calm.
• 2:16
  Ellen Krause: We will discuss the pressures young girls face today and how theology is key to laying the foundation of faith to navigate these critical years better.
• 2:27
  Ellen Krause: Sandra and Allie will also share how to encourage our daughters to find their identity in Christ and build lasting confidence.
• 2:35
  Ellen Krause: Our goal today is to have open conversations with our daughters and bypass strained relationships where silence and misunderstandings become the norm.
• 2:47
  Ellen Krause: Sandra Stanley received her Bachelor of Science degree from Georgia Tech and Master of Arts from Dallas Theological Seminary.
• 2:55
  Ellen Krause: Sandra has a heart for foster kids and foster families, as she and her husband, andy, have been foster parents since 2010.
• 3:04
  Ellen Krause: Her ministry passion is promoting foster care in the local church.
• 3:08
  Ellen Krause: Much of her time these days is spent working on various writing projects and continuing her involvement with Fostering Together, the foster care initiative of North Point Ministries.
• 3:20
  Ellen Krause: Allie Stanley Cooney graduated from Auburn University with a degree in communication.
• 3:26
  Ellen Krause: She completed the North Point residency program and simultaneously earned a Master's of Christian Education degree from Dallas Theological Seminary.
• 3:36
  Ellen Krause: With a decade of experience guiding students along their spiritual journeys, allie is passionate about empowering middle school, high school and college students to embrace a life devoted to following Jesus wholeheartedly.
• 3:51
  Ellen Krause: She has a heart for middle school and high school students and can often be spotted at any number of local coffee shops pouring into girls in those seasons of life.
• 4:03
  Ellen Krause: Please welcome Sandra and Allie.
• 4:07
  Sandra Stanley: Hi, thank you for having us.
• 4:10
  Ellen Krause: I am so excited to have you guys on the program because we share a little similarity here in mother-daughter ministry and I just love seeing mothers and daughters coming together to work to glorify God, to advance his kingdom, to help the next generation, and that's exactly what you guys are doing.
• 4:32
  Ellen Krause: So I thought we would just start with.
• 4:36
  Ellen Krause: You say in the book that our goal is to help our daughters become more like Jesus, but we have to recognize first that it starts with the mothers, right, because we can't impart what we don't possess ourselves.
• 4:49
  Ellen Krause: So how would you suggest mothers go about doing?
• 4:56
  Sandra Stanley: that that is a great question, you know.
• 4:58
  Sandra Stanley: Really, at the foundation of this book is a gospel message, and we talk a lot about understanding who God is and what he did for us through Christ and then understanding that even on our best days we fall short.
• 5:14
  Sandra Stanley: In the area and you know in all of these areas that you know that we're going to talk about in the book we recognize that we fall short without his help and the good news is that he promises to be with us and he does that through the Holy Spirit.
• 5:26
  Sandra Stanley: So I think for moms to take this resource and any resource really and recognize that if they can export to their daughters a real faith in Christ and a dependence on him from an early age, then some of these other issues and things that we talk about are just going to be less difficult for them to navigate.
• 5:52
  Sandra Stanley: So to the mom out there who just loves her daughter and wants to disciple her, I would say model for her what a relationship with your heavenly father looks like and how that then translates to your everyday life.
• 6:07
  Sandra Stanley: And that's what our kids see.
• 6:09
  Sandra Stanley: They really do see what we do and how we allow our faith to intersect with the dailiness of our lives.
• 6:18
  Sandra Stanley: That's what they see, and so we just need to be aware of what we're modeling in that way.
• 6:24
  Ellen Krause: Absolutely Allie.
• 6:25
  Ellen Krause: How did you see your mom, over the years, do what she just said?
• 6:30
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, I think there's so much of it.
• 6:33
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think I have all of these memories of walking into a room in the morning and seeing her by her bed with her journal and her Bible and, you know, her coffee and spending time with Jesus, and I always was always like, oh man, like I need her, but she's spending time with Jesus right now, so I guess I'm going to have to wait, you know.
• 6:52
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So I have so many memories of that.
• 6:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But also the way that she treated my dad and their marriage I think was a huge, huge example of how we love and how we are loved by our Heavenly Father and therefore that's how we love and serve the people around us.
• 7:12
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think her radical patience with us growing up is a huge example and these are just all the ways that, now that I'm older and can kind of see this from a different viewpoint, these are the ways that she lived out the gospel and how she lived out her faith, and even if you know, seven-year-old me wasn't like, oh, she's living out the gospel right now.
• 7:33
  Allie Stanley Cooney: That's what I'm seeing.
• 7:34
  Allie Stanley Cooney: The examples and the fruit that comes from doing those things have an impact on me as a daughter, my brothers and then, ultimately, the world and the fruit that comes from doing those things have an impact on me as a daughter, my brothers and then, ultimately, the world and the people that she served and the people that she came into contact with.
• 7:48
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So I think there's so many examples, but it's really just the daily little habits and consistencies that she had throughout us growing up for sure.
• 7:59
  Sandra Stanley: Well, and also sprinkled in there were all the ways I got it wrong and all the days I didn't have my quiet time because I let something get in the way, or all the ways my, you know, the fruits of the spirit were not manifest in me as mom.
• 8:12
  Sandra Stanley: So Allie's making it sound like I was this perfect mom.
• 8:15
  Sandra Stanley: We all know.
• 8:16
  Sandra Stanley: You know you do hope that the takeaway is more of that rather than less.
• 8:23
  Sandra Stanley: But certainly for the moms who are listening, they're like oh, that's just great, but I cannot be all that.
• 8:29
  Sandra Stanley: Let me just tell you I have plenty of days where that is not what Allie saw in the morning.
• 8:36
  Ellen Krause: So just FYI, in the spirit of honesty and transparency, Absolutely, and I think that that's totally, totally fair and honestly.
• 8:43
  Ellen Krause: I feel like in those moments when they do see us fail but we kind of step up to the plate and apologize, or you know what, I didn't handle that like Jesus would have, or I wish I could take that back.
• 9:00
  Ellen Krause: I think they learn as much in those moments as they do seeing us.
• 9:06
  Sandra Stanley: And I think that's even more important as our kids are becoming teenagers.
• 9:10
  Sandra Stanley: So in those middle school and high school years, one of the most powerful things we can do as a mom is demonstrate humility and apologizing and owning things, because those are some of the things we want our kids to pick up and carry into life, because they're not going to always get it right in their relationships and future marriages or future parenting relationships, and so for them to be able to see a circle back and own our stuff in humility and apologize appropriately and all of that.
• 9:44
  Sandra Stanley: Those are just wonderful things that we can model for our kids, in addition to letting them see us actually walk with the Lord and and try to be consistent in that.
• 9:52
  Sandra Stanley: But so important for teenagers because they're going to call you out and so you know you need to own it and not and not pretend because they're they, um, they have a low tolerance for pretending.
• 10:04
  Sandra Stanley: Yes.
• 10:06
  Ellen Krause: Well, how does um understanding their identity and how God views them, how he values them and loves them, change the fabric of a young girl's life?
• 10:21
  Allie Stanley Cooney: and loves them, change the fabric of a young girl's life.
• 10:24
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, I think identity is one of the most important things we can instill in this next generation, because what you think about yourself and who you believe yourself to be impacts everything about your life, right, it impacts your confidence, it impacts your relationships, how you treat people, what you do in your free time.
• 10:43
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It really does impact every aspect.
• 10:47
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so in our book, my mom writes chapters to the moms and I write chapters to the daughters, and in our identity chapter we talk a ton about hey, you're going to go through this life and you might start feeling like you're not good enough or you're not smart enough, or you're not pretty enough or athletic, like fill in the blank with the trillions of things that it could be.
• 11:11
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And we have the opportunity to choose and decide that we are who Christ says we are, instead of what the world says we are, what culture, what your friends, what you are tempted to say that you are, and ultimately, like I said, that impacts everything.
• 11:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so in our chapter we say, hey, you need to keep the truth in front of you, you know, because lies are in front of you constantly.
• 11:35
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So we have to be intentional, to keep truth in front of us and then also, kind of like we just talked about, it's not.
• 11:44
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Then you live it out.
• 11:45
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, you keep the truth in front of you, you remind yourself who you are and then you go into the world and you take your identity out into the world and you let it go into every facet of your life how you interact with others, how you take tests, how you study, how you show up in your sports or your club, whatever it is.
• 12:05
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's.
• 12:05
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Hey, you need to take who you know that you are and go into the world and actually live it out.
• 12:10
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And I think you know we're also working on it as adults and as moms.
• 12:17
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's not like, oh yeah, perfect, got it.
• 12:19
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Check Like we're done.
• 12:20
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's a consistent okay, I'm going to keep the truth in front of me and I'm going to live it out and having grace for yourself when you know you're not perfect and having grace for other people when they're not perfect.
• 12:30
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But ultimately it's the process of reminding yourself who you are and living accordingly.
• 12:37
  Sandra Stanley: Yeah.
• 12:38
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah.
• 12:38
  Sandra Stanley: And it really does go to value and our girls feeling like their value comes from their heavenly father, as demonstrated through Jesus dying on the cross for their sins.
• 12:50
  Sandra Stanley: So when their value is rooted in who God says they are, like Allie said, then all of these other things and all of these other attempts by culture to define them or to maybe make them believe things about themselves, it's just going to bounce off.
• 13:09
  Sandra Stanley: Because if our girls can know without a shadow of a doubt that I am who God says that I am, then she's not going to be striving and searching and spending time in vain, you know, trying to get what God has actually already given her.
• 13:25
  Sandra Stanley: And so that's a big message for us and one of our main, the main passage that we weave through the whole book is Philippians 4.
• 13:33
  Sandra Stanley: And on the other side of understanding our identity and who we are in Christ is a peace.
• 13:39
  Sandra Stanley: And Philippians 4, 7 says and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• 13:47
  Sandra Stanley: And that happens when we understand who we really are and who God says that we are, rather than all the things from like Alex said, friends and social media, just all that stuff, like Alex said, friends and social media, just all that stuff it just doesn't take hold as easily when they understand who they are in Christ.
• 14:07
  Sandra Stanley: So for moms to have a little tool that they can use to help their girls discover that, we just think it's super, super important.
• 14:15
  Ellen Krause: Absolutely.
• 14:15
  Ellen Krause: I can remember doing one Bible study at one point in my life and learning that I was the daughter of the king, and just that little phrase alone just really impacted my heart, and so I know you guys have tools in the book that sort of help them learn how to see that we are chosen, we are adopted to his family.
• 14:44
  Ellen Krause: There's so many things that we can look towards to see how valued we are and our identity is in Christ.
• 14:53
  Ellen Krause: Well, I'm glad that you mentioned that scripture verse from Philippians.
• 14:59
  Ellen Krause: Tell us a little bit more.
• 15:02
  Ellen Krause: I know you said this verse was really important to both of you.
• 15:06
  Ellen Krause: Maybe expand a little bit more and actually maybe for our audience.
• 15:12
  Ellen Krause: We've got I pulled it out here.
• 15:15
  Ellen Krause: I'm just going to read it for our audience.
• 15:18
  Ellen Krause: Philippians 4, 4 through 9 says Rejoice in the Lord, always.
• 15:21
  Ellen Krause: I will say it again rejoice.
• 15:23
  Ellen Krause: Let your gentleness be evident to all.
• 15:26
  Ellen Krause: The Lord is near.
• 15:27
  Ellen Krause: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
• 15:41
  Ellen Krause: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.
• 15:53
  Ellen Krause: Think about such things.
• 15:55
  Ellen Krause: Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me or seen in me, put it into practice, and the God of peace will be with you.
• 16:04
  Ellen Krause: Share with us what this passage has meant to you personally.
• 16:11
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah Well, I think, kind of like we said in the book, we talk about living out our identity and for my whole life that's kind of been my example of that, because there's so much great spiritual but also practical advice in that scripture.
• 16:32
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I mean rejoicing even when you don't want to what you set your mind on, whatever is true, lovely, pure right, all those things, that's huge, you know, don't be anxious, instead pray, but also have gratitude and put it all into practice.
• 16:47
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Like there's so much packed in there.
• 16:50
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so for me that's been a huge scripture that I've just kind of carried with me.
• 16:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But even growing up it's funny because we kind of took that language when we were, when I was struggling with things or making choices, my mom would use specifically the word lovely and she would be like okay, allie, what's the lovely thing to do here?
• 17:11
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Like, what would someone who embodies loveliness do?
• 17:16
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And that was taken straight from this passage of scripture of okay, you know how would a love, how, what's a lovely way to handle this really difficult situation that you're in?
• 17:25
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Or what's the lovely way?
• 17:26
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Is that a lovely word I just heard you use on the phone up there with your friend.
• 17:30
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, like, with that?
• 17:31
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Probably not, so that's kind of been something like a theme of our relationship.
• 17:37
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But also growing up of, okay, I want to be a lovely person and it looks.
• 17:41
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, what does that look like and how can you grow in that?
• 17:45
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so that's literally one word that we use from that giant passage of scripture that we've used kind of my whole growing up life, and so that was really special.
• 17:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: We actually wanted to figure out how to name the book Love Like.
• 18:00
  Allie Stanley Cooney: We wanted to like make that more of a centerpiece and it actually ended up being, because that was like a huge centerpiece for us, for me growing up, yeah, in our conversations.
• 18:11
  Sandra Stanley: And you know, I think there's so many scriptures scattered throughout the Bible that talk about our hearts being the source and the foundation from which our actions and our words and our decisions and our perspectives everything else flows from that, and so we want our girls to excel in guarding their hearts and dwelling on these things that are true and honorable and right and pure and all the things.
• 18:37
  Sandra Stanley: And so we just took this passage.
• 18:40
  Sandra Stanley: When we were talking about the book, we thought, okay, what are the big topics that girls are struggling with when they are middle school and high school?
• 18:50
  Sandra Stanley: You know what are the big topics?
• 18:51
  Sandra Stanley: And as Allie and I brainstormed about what those were, everything almost had an antidote in this little package of scripture verses.
• 19:01
  Sandra Stanley: And so it just I don't know it just kind of lined up for us as it related to the topics that we talk about throughout the book and and um, so that that was really fun for us to then go, yeah, and this is the lovely passage, and so it just it was almost like God just sort of moved us in a particular direction and this passage was such a big piece of that.
• 19:23
  Ellen Krause: Yes, absolutely.
• 19:25
  Ellen Krause: Well, let's talk a little bit now about family relationships.
• 19:30
  Ellen Krause: How are these relationships between you know, our families, the parents, the children, mothers, daughters daughters so critical to young girls during their teen years.
• 19:53
  Sandra Stanley: Yeah, there's a quote that I've heard Andy say it a lot of times and I'm not even sure where it originated, whether it was with him or somebody else, but it rings kind of true for me, ellen, and it is that we are only as happy as our core relationships are healthy and our inner, you know, kind of our inner circle relationships.
• 20:08
  Sandra Stanley: And usually those inner circle relationships are our family and you know, if we're married it's a marriage and if we have kids it's with our kids and certainly with immediate family, parents and all of that, immediate family parents and all of that.
• 20:28
  Sandra Stanley: And I know also, as we think about the family relationships, I've got a lot of friends who are school teachers, and my school teacher friends say I always know when something is going on not good at home because it manifests itself in the kids at school, whether it's their grades, know their grades dropping or their personalities changing or them kind of going quiet and withdrawing or might start acting out or being angry or something.
• 20:50
  Sandra Stanley: Because at the core of all of us these relationships are so important and they're important because we are created in the image of a relational God and so these core relationships are so important to us I mean, you know, so important for you know, just even broadly, and because we are made in his image, you know, that just makes it really important.
• 21:14
  Sandra Stanley: And so, as Allie and I talked about some of the different things that girls are struggling with, often they're struggling in their relationships at home, whether it's just something going on in the side their relationships at home, whether it's just something going on in the side, inside of them, or whether it's the parents having struggles or or whatever, and so we felt like we should really, we should really speak to that, and Allie had some really cool insights about handling family relationships, so I'll I'll let her talk about a couple of those.
• 21:41
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, well, I think so.
• 21:43
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I've been in student ministry for since I wasn't a student.
• 21:47
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So about going on 10 years now and I have had so many conversations about my parents don't let me do anything.
• 21:56
  Allie Stanley Cooney: My parents just like don't get it.
• 21:58
  Allie Stanley Cooney: The constant conversations about parents, and I realized that there's something in these students who just feel like they have a lack of control.
• 22:08
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, their parents tell them when to be home, tell them what they're having for dinner.
• 22:13
  Allie Stanley Cooney: They have to do their homework, they have to go to school.
• 22:15
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And every human you know feels like I want some autonomy, like I want to be able to have a say over something in my life.
• 22:23
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And the truth is especially middle schoolers and the younger you get, kind of, the older you get.
• 22:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Hopefully you get more and more freedoms.
• 22:29
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But a lot of these students are like I don't have any choice and so in our family chapter I talk about with the girls hey, here are three things that you actually do control and three things that you have autonomy and you can decide.
• 22:47
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I mean the first one is appreciation.
• 22:49
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You can choose to appreciate, you can choose to open your eyes to see the good things going on around you, and the good things, even maybe that if we're feeling crazy that your parents are doing and what they're providing for you.
• 23:04
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And then the second one is you can choose forgiveness.
• 23:08
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, no parent is going to be perfect and whether they ask for forgiveness or not, you have the power to choose forgiveness.
• 23:16
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You can choose if you're going to hold on to bitterness and let that bitterness hold on to you, or you can choose to forgive and let it go and restore the relationship.
• 23:25
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You get to choose that.
• 23:27
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And then the last one, which is probably my favorite one you can choose gentleness.
• 23:31
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Going back to our Philippians passage, let your gentleness be evident to all.
• 23:37
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You can choose to be, even when you're not getting your way, even when you're frustrated.
• 23:42
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You can choose to be gentle with your family I talk about throughout the book.
• 23:48
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Gentleness was harder for me with I have two older brothers.
• 23:50
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I have two older brothers and I needed to learn gentleness with them because they would be mean, they would push my butt Like they would just like try and ruin my life, basically in my head and I would get all worked up and I would like want to fight back and I would want to win.
• 24:09
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And then one time my mom pulled me aside and was like hey, girl, like I think that they might be doing this because they like getting your reaction, and so maybe, just maybe try to not give them that reaction, to choose gentleness.
• 24:26
  Allie Stanley Cooney: If they get louder and louder, maybe get quieter, or if they get meaner, you can just get kinder.
• 24:32
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And I was like that's crazy, like that'll never work.
• 24:36
  Allie Stanley Cooney: No, and it was crazy because it did, because when you choose gentleness, it de-escalates situations.
• 24:44
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It ultimately it's like keeping fiery coals on someone you know.
• 24:49
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's like, okay, no, I can choose this, I don't have to go there, I don't have to engage in this way, and ultimately it diffuses a lot of the tension and so kind of giving these girls handles of yes, you can't always choose what you're having for dinner and you can't always choose what chores you have to do, but here are things that you can actively choose.
• 25:09
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think we all want that, you know, even my toddler wants that.
• 25:15
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So I think that that is hopefully helpful for these family relationships in general.
• 25:21
  Sandra Stanley: Yes, and even thinking about that.
• 25:24
  Sandra Stanley: If moms and daughters have the opportunity to talk about it, then the mom is going to be a little more aware of what her daughter is feeling as it relates to not having a say in anything, and it might just be a little nudge to the mom to go hey, you know what?
• 25:40
  Sandra Stanley: I think she may be getting to the age where I need to start giving her a little more autonomy or a few more opportunities to make decisions and so have.
• 25:48
  Sandra Stanley: The whole point that Allie and I were trying to create with Meet Me in the Middle is for them to have these Meet Me in the Middle conversations and really be able to hear each other and understand where the other person is coming from.
• 26:04
  Sandra Stanley: And, you know, not only does.
• 26:06
  Sandra Stanley: That is our goal to help the girls make some changes, but really even for the moms, as the mom takes time to listen, she's going to hear some things that maybe aren't intuitive to her and it may be able to impact some of the decisions that she makes in her, in her mom journey with her daughter.
• 26:24
  Ellen Krause: Absolutely.
• 26:25
  Ellen Krause: I love the three things there that you mentioned.
• 26:29
  Ellen Krause: One thing that comes to my mind sort of as it relates to all this you talk about having too much control and yet boundaries are good, but it seems like it is for a parent sort of this tough dynamic of setting boundaries but giving them freedom within those boundaries to make decisions.
• 26:52
  Ellen Krause: But I love that you call out like those are three things appreciation, forgiveness and gentleness that they actually can own.
• 26:58
  Ellen Krause: Appreciation, forgiveness and gentleness that they actually can own.
• 27:02
  Ellen Krause: You know they can really make a difference, right, and not even just in their families, but with their friendships, anyone that they interact with.
• 27:15
  Ellen Krause: Well, let's talk a little bit about teen challenges.
• 27:19
  Ellen Krause: What are you seeing as some of the pressures and challenges that teen girls are facing these days?
• 27:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So many.
• 27:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I feel like I was actually just talking to a ninth grader a couple weeks ago and she was telling me about her AP class that she's in and I was like in the ninth grade and she was like, oh yeah, I was taking AP classes in middle school.
• 27:44
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And I was like in the the ninth grade and she was like, oh yeah, I was taking AP classes in middle school and I'm like AP is for college, like you're 14, like you've got what, and in that moment I knew this.
• 27:53
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But I was reminded of like, okay, even just school and classes is getting more and more and more pressurized.
• 28:01
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Uh, they're talking to these seventh graders about college.
• 28:07
  Allie Stanley Cooney: That's too much, but everybody else is doing it.
• 28:10
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So they don't want to get left behind and because everyone else is doing it, they feel like they have to do it because it's almost like this constant competition of getting into the college that they want.
• 28:20
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So that's the first thing that came to my mind because I just had this conversation.
• 28:25
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But you know, school is getting more and more pressurized.
• 28:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think friendships and relationships, because of social media and you know what everybody's up to those are getting more pressurized and more important and more in your face, I think, just opportunities of like, if someone's really into a sport or they do theater, like everything I feel like is just more heightened than it was even when I was in high school, which wasn't that long ago.
• 28:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I feel like it's just getting more and more pressurized and stressful and we see the rise of mental illness and anxiety.
• 29:03
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And you look at social media and TikTok and the way that TikTok actually affects your brain and your dopamine and all that and it's crazy, it's just everywhere, and so I think that trying to help them is very countercultural, because it looks like putting your phone away, it looks like going on a walk and taking deep breaths and doing things that are slow and not competitive and things that bring out goodness and slowness and peace and relaxation, and it just I think these young girls they don't have time for it because they're in this rat race right now and it's really it's it's too much yeah.
• 29:48
  Sandra Stanley: And what Allie just said actually kind of spills over into almost every one of the topics that we picked out to have conversations about.
• 29:56
  Sandra Stanley: So identity and self-worth are impacted by that.
• 29:59
  Sandra Stanley: That's one of our conversations.
• 30:01
  Sandra Stanley: Comparison, and the trap of being stuck in the comparison trap is one of the big conversations that we want moms and daughters to have.
• 30:09
  Sandra Stanley: Relationships with family, and then relationships with friends and dating relationships is another one.
• 30:16
  Sandra Stanley: Fears you know, so many of the issues that we face and that our girls face are rooted in a fear of some sort.
• 30:25
  Sandra Stanley: So for moms and daughters to be able to have a conversation of you, know what's inside of you that you're afraid of.
• 30:31
  Sandra Stanley: So, we have them talk about some silly fears as they sort of break the ice, to talk about some of their more, their deeper fears.
• 30:38
  Sandra Stanley: And then what Allie said stress and pressure.
• 30:42
  Sandra Stanley: We both devoted a whole chapter to just the stress and pressure of what they're going through in their middle school and high school years, and then we finished with a decision-making chapter, a chapter of what does it look like to make decisions, understanding our identity in Christ and letting our faith be the filter through which we make decisions.
• 31:04
  Sandra Stanley: So those are the topics we pick to talk about.
• 31:06
  Sandra Stanley: And again what Allie just said about the inordinate and, I think, historical high stress and pressure that these students are feeling just kind of lays over all of these topics, just, you know over kind of lays over all of these topics.
• 31:26
  Sandra Stanley: And and so for moms to be able to pull away for a minute, you know, once a week for eight weeks, to have these conversations with their girls, we just think it's so important to kind of um sort of let the pressure off and let's have a minute to just talk through some of this.
• 31:40
  Sandra Stanley: And what are some realistic changes we can make that aren't crazy because we're in this world and we live in the world.
• 31:47
  Sandra Stanley: But what can we do to allow God to have a little more say in some of these areas?
• 31:55
  Ellen Krause: Absolutely.
• 31:56
  Ellen Krause: What would you say to a teen girl with if they're afraid of being lonely or they're feeling alone?
• 32:10
  Ellen Krause: It seems like loneliness is become just so pervasive in our youth.
• 32:16
  Ellen Krause: How can some of the tools that you're providing in this book speak to that?
• 32:32
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, I think it is so pervasive, and even someone who you would look at and say, yeah, she has so many friends, can still really feel that deep loneliness.
• 32:38
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Because I think in this world too, culture has created a lot of like, followers and likes and not and it is very anti-vulnerability Um, because truly, you can have a billion friends, but if you don't have a friend or a person that you can be fully known by, you're never going to feel not lonely.
• 33:02
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Known by, you're never going to feel not lonely.
• 33:10
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so, unfortunately, we can't go with these girls and make them a bunch of friends and help them to be vulnerable and have those conversations for them.
• 33:15
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But what we can do, and what we have done, is point the girl to somewhere that maybe she wasn't looking and it's at her mom, and say, hey, let's have these conversations, which is giving you an opportunity to be really vulnerable with your mom and ultimately, you being fully known leads to really accepting unconditional love, because if you are keeping secrets and you're not, you don't feel like you're fully known, you will never feel like you are fully loved, and so creating opportunities to say, hey, this is me, this is what I'm afraid of, this is what I'm struggling with.
• 33:52
  Allie Stanley Cooney: This is how I compare and allowing an opportunity for their mom to be like, yeah, I love you.
• 33:58
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think that is such a powerful moment of.
• 34:01
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think that is such a powerful moment of okay, and ultimately that fuels your ability.
• 34:07
  Allie Stanley Cooney: People joke like, yeah, my mom's my best friend.
• 34:09
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's like a bad thing, but like it's not a bad thing, but it also it helps fuel and give confidence to these girls to go out into their schools and their teams and their life and be vulnerable with other people too.
• 34:21
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And it's hard and it could be painful and you can experience rejection, but ultimately it's okay.
• 34:27
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Girls just putting on a front and saying the right thing so they get invited to the party.
• 34:32
  Allie Stanley Cooney: They think that that will cover their loneliness and make them not feel lonely anymore.
• 34:38
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But the reality is, if you're lacking a vulnerability, then you're always going to feel that sense of loneliness, um, and so I think what we did is just point them to their mom and ultimately point them to their heavenly father, who also says that you are never alone.
• 34:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: In the Philippians passage, we talk about how God is near.
• 34:59
  Allie Stanley Cooney: The Lord is near, you are never alone, you are never on your own and once again, that's the full definition of unconditional love of Psalm 139.
• 35:08
  Allie Stanley Cooney: He knit you together in your mother's womb, he fully knows you and he still fully loves you and so pointing them to that truth, pointing them to their mom, I think can build the confidence in them to go into the world and make these meaningful friendships that aren't just based on pictures and how we look and the boy that we like, but true, real vulnerability.
• 35:31
  Sandra Stanley: Yeah that's right and that's so important.
• 35:34
  Sandra Stanley: And I think, also, as we think about, one of the things that Allie talked about in the foundations chapter is just what does a quiet time look like?
• 35:43
  Sandra Stanley: What does it look like to pull away in the rhythm of our life and for our daughters to pull away in the rhythm of her life, to have time alone with her heavenly father, because that's the place where we sort of hit our reset button and we're renewing our minds to what's true and right and lovely and all those things.
• 36:04
  Sandra Stanley: And you know, I think that for the girl out there who is sitting in a lonely spot and she's feeling that loneliness, if there is a way to move her toward, like Allie said, a better and a little bit deeper relationship with her mom and a stronger relationship with her heavenly father as she learns how to have her own devotional life and all of that, then there are going to be some natural opportunities to have conversations about what does it look like, maybe, to find some friendships in a place that we hadn't thought of before or in some creative ways, you know, bringing in some friends that we may be a little more like minded with as we move toward our relationship with Christ and I think that happens.
• 36:47
  Sandra Stanley: As our girls lean into relationships with their moms and lean into relationships with their heavenly father, they're going to be more drawn into the kinds of friendships and relationships that that fill her up and make her feel less lonely.
• 37:01
  Sandra Stanley: So on the front end it's not, um, maybe emotionally satisfying to say to our girls oh, you just need to have a better relationship with your mom and with God and you're not going to be lonely anymore.
• 37:11
  Sandra Stanley: You know that's not emotionally satisfying, especially to a teenage girl, but the truth is there is so much there in that well that they cannot see that will eventually move them in a direction of even having some maybe more like-minded friendships as well.
• 37:30
  Ellen Krause: Well said both of you.
• 37:31
  Ellen Krause: Friendships as well.
• 37:37
  Ellen Krause: Well said both of you.
• 37:38
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I love how you addressed that topic, that's just so challenging today for our youth.
• 37:39
  Ellen Krause: I was thinking too like when you were talking about the likes and subscribers.
• 37:43
  Ellen Krause: I was thinking about the friends.
• 37:44
  Ellen Krause: You think you have 100.
• 37:48
  Ellen Krause: You know a hundred friends on Facebook, but you really are it's one of them really a friend.
• 37:54
  Ellen Krause: So I love that you've addressed that in such an encouraging way.
• 38:01
  Ellen Krause: Well, as we start to wrap things up, I want you guys to tell us a little bit more about the book.
• 38:08
  Ellen Krause: Tell us, I love, how you have it, you know, set up in these three sections, and tell us what your hope is for moms and daughters and how they use it together.
• 38:20
  Sandra Stanley: Yeah, well, we, we had all kinds of ideas and Allie is so creative, I'm so analytical, so really, ellen, it was so funny doing this project together because I have engineer brain and she has artist brain and the thing that I I already knew this, but I really really discovered it as we're writing is Allie is so insightful and talented and watching her create content and think about it through the lens of a teenage girl was so much fun for me to watch and that was amazing.
• 38:56
  Sandra Stanley: But we decided in the end, after all of our creative you know bouncing around ideas, that I would write eight chapters to the moms in the beginning of the book and then Allie would write eight corresponding chapters to the girls about the topics that we want to talk about, and then, in the middle of the book, they come together.
• 39:13
  Sandra Stanley: That's the meet me in the middle section.
• 39:15
  Sandra Stanley: So after they've read you know, after they've each read the chapter about comparison, they come together in the middle section and we have activities and questions and suggested kinds of things for them to do together to really synthesize this and begin to have it penetrate their hearts and to build that relationship with moms.
• 39:36
  Sandra Stanley: And before I hand it over to Allie, to talk about my goal with this book and I think both of our goals for this book is for moms and daughters to be able to have conversations about some tricky topics before.
• 39:52
  Sandra Stanley: Those topics are big issues before the temperature is high and the drama is big and the emotions are, you know, all over the place about this topic.
• 40:00
  Sandra Stanley: If they can have some conversations about it ahead of time, it sort of diffuses all the drama and stuff that they might have to experience later had they not already had this conversation or some version of it.
• 40:14
  Sandra Stanley: So my hope for moms is that they can have some conversations ahead of time.
• 40:20
  Sandra Stanley: They can kind of, you know, put a, put a hand up to some of the drama that might happen later.
• 40:26
  Sandra Stanley: So and again, for our girls to come to know Christ and to let their faith be the first responder when it comes to comparison and stress and fears and relationships and all of that stuff.
• 40:37
  Sandra Stanley: That, to me, is the bullseye on the target.
• 40:40
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, I think there are so many goals and prayers that I've had for this book, but one of them, specifically as someone who's worked in student ministry for a long time we would get students on Sunday and we would tell them all the things.
• 40:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: We would tell them about wisdom and tell them about who they are in Christ, and tell them everything, and then they would leave and then Monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday would happen, and then they would come back sometimes and it was like we got to have to start over, like if these truths aren't being reinforced throughout the week or they're not being intentional about spending time with God on their own, then every Sunday is like a first Sunday almost, and we have them for an hour maybe, if they come, you know, and so creating a resource in which they can, you know, kind of be mentored by their mom, but also their mom is going there with them too, and these truths are getting reinforced during the week and they're thinking about them and they're talking about them.
• 41:43
  Allie Stanley Cooney: That's how spiritual growth happens.
• 41:44
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's not one deposit every single week, it's consistent deposits every single day, it's consistent deposits every single day.
• 41:51
  Allie Stanley Cooney: And so creating something that kind of helps them do that was really, really important to me, but then also kind of like we talked about combating the lie that I'm in this by myself.
• 42:05
  Allie Stanley Cooney: You know, girls, I think, can believe that they've got to figure it out and they have to do it by themselves and pointing them to their mom and being like no, you have someone in your corner, you have someone who loves you so much, who wants to have these conversations and wants to help you through it.
• 42:19
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think is so, so important, especially in the culture that we're in.
• 42:26
  Ellen Krause: Absolutely.
• 42:27
  Ellen Krause: I think the book is so clever how you put Meet Me in the Middle and all of those different activities.
• 42:35
  Ellen Krause: I was looking through it and there's a lot of great questions I think that your teen will actually want to open up and talk about if you give them a chance.
• 42:48
  Ellen Krause: Like I think, sometimes we get afraid that oh, they're not going to want to do this or that.
• 42:54
  Ellen Krause: But hey, try, yeah, right.
• 42:59
  Sandra Stanley: I think most moms find that their daughters are more open to spending time with them than they originally think they might be, and that's, that's a sweet thing.
• 43:08
  Ellen Krause: No.
• 43:08
  Ellen Krause: Well, how can people find out more about you guys in your book?
• 43:15
  Sandra Stanley: yeah, you can find it really anywhere where you know that you buy books is called meet me in the middle um eight mother-daughter conversations about life and faith, and um, it's easy also to go to sandra, to sandrastanleycom and there's some links there to get to all kinds of different places that you can get the book.
• 43:32
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, and it's all over our Instagram.
• 43:34
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, that's right, that's right.
• 43:36
  Ellen Krause: Fantastic.
• 43:37
  Ellen Krause: Well, we will make sure we include all of those links in our show notes Before we go.
• 43:42
  Ellen Krause: I have to ask you some of our favorite Bible study tool questions.
• 43:46
  Ellen Krause: What Bible is your go-to Bible and what translation is it?
• 43:52
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Right, that's a complicated question.
• 43:54
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I'm reading the ESV right now, teaching or that's my quiet time, that's my personal one, but when I teach I have an NIV that I teach from.
• 44:05
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So I have two main ones.
• 44:07
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But right now You're allowed, I would say ESV right now, but right now you're allowed.
• 44:13
  Ellen Krause: I would say ESV right now For me.
• 44:22
  Sandra Stanley: I have always my my Bible.
• 44:22
  Sandra Stanley: I've had since really gosh, my whole almost adult life is my Ryrie study Bible, so I love that.
• 44:25
  Sandra Stanley: But when I'm doing more of an in-depth Bible study I like to use the New American Standard.
• 44:28
  Sandra Stanley: It's a little tighter to the original Greek and Hebrew, so I love that.
• 44:31
  Sandra Stanley: So but I think, just for my quiet time, the Bible I grab every time is my NIV study Bible.
• 44:46
  Ellen Krause: Great, okay, great translations.
• 44:46
  Ellen Krause: Do you have any favorite journaling supplies or anything you'd like to use to enhance your Bible study time.
• 44:49
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I am such a journaler.
• 44:51
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I always have been my favorite type of journal.
• 44:54
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I don't have one by me.
• 44:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's called an appointed journal, it's like appointedcom and it's just like a bunch of supplies.
• 45:04
  Allie Stanley Cooney: But they have these journals and I love them so much.
• 45:06
  Allie Stanley Cooney: It's the only one I use now and half of the pages are lined and half of them are blank, like without any line, so I can do whatever I want, but I it's my favorite type of journal.
• 45:18
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I won't stray from them now and I have to go online to buy them.
• 45:23
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I don't know where to get them other than their website and they have color like they have special colors.
• 45:28
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So if there's like a special color that they have for limited time, I just buy it, even if I don't need it because I will.
• 45:34
  Allie Stanley Cooney: So I think that that's my favorite type of journal.
• 45:37
  Ellen Krause: Okay, well, check that out yeah.
• 45:39
  Sandra Stanley: So my this is kind of going to be weird and it's a nod to my analytical weird self, but I love a good hardback ledger that you buy at an office supply store, so I've been using a hardback ledger.
• 45:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I don't even think I know what a ledger is.
• 45:57
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Yeah, I know Allie's generation wouldn't.
• 46:00
  Sandra Stanley: It's just a tall hardback book that's lined and it was originally for accountants or people to keep their business details in.
• 46:08
  Sandra Stanley: But I love using those ledgers because the pages, you know, it's a tall.
• 46:13
  Sandra Stanley: Again, it's a tall book so I can, I can journal in it, I can draw eras, I can do equations, I can do all of my little principle things, all of that stuff, and they're sturdy.
• 46:24
  Sandra Stanley: And then I can use my label maker and put the dates on the outside and when I line them up on my shelf they're just all uniform.
• 46:30
  Sandra Stanley: And so you know, and there you have the difference between Allie and me.
• 46:34
  Sandra Stanley: You know, one thing that I would love to say at this with this question, ellen, is I get asked a lot by moms just in parenting kind of things.
• 46:45
  Sandra Stanley: You know, should I make my daughter have a quiet time, should we make our kids have a quiet time?
• 46:49
  Sandra Stanley: And my answer is always the same it is model it.
• 46:53
  Sandra Stanley: It is encourage it, model it and make it easy.
• 46:58
  Sandra Stanley: So encourage it, you know, help your kids decide, you know what kind of Bible study tools you know do are age appropriate.
• 47:05
  Sandra Stanley: So encourage it, model it, make it easy and your kids will, I think, pick it up as adults and it'll be such an important thing.
• 47:13
  Sandra Stanley: But I and I think that that really does apply to journaling too, Journaling being just a part of the quiet time If you encourage it and talk about hey, write down what you're learning because you're not going to remember, you think you're going to remember but you're not.
• 47:26
  Sandra Stanley: So jot it down and you can come back and visit it later.
• 47:28
  Sandra Stanley: So encourage it, model it, let them see you doing it, and then make it easy.
• 47:32
  Sandra Stanley: Make sure they've got all the little Bible study supplies that they need and a good journal and some fun pens and an age-appropriate Bible so that they can do that.
• 47:42
  Sandra Stanley: So, hey, moms, make sure your daughter's got what she needs to be able to be a journaler.
• 47:47
  Ellen Krause: And I think in the book too.
• 47:49
  Ellen Krause: You mentioned going out and buying each other a mug.
• 47:51
  Ellen Krause: Yes, that was a cute suggestion.
• 47:55
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Well in all honesty, my mom only uses white mugs like white, plain mugs.
• 48:00
  Sandra Stanley: So Allie loves to give me special mugs that are just a little bit outside of and they just disappear.
• 48:06
  Allie Stanley Cooney: No, I don't know where they go.
• 48:09
  Sandra Stanley: They become my pen holders and my journal markers.
• 48:14
  Ellen Krause: Oh, that's cute.
• 48:15
  Ellen Krause: That's cute.
• 48:16
  Ellen Krause: Okay, last one what is your favorite app or website for Bible study tools?
• 48:23
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I use Blue Letter Bible app a lot.
• 48:26
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I also I took five semesters of Greek in seminary, so just a Greek lexicon app.
• 48:35
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Um, I didn't quite make it to my Hebrew, but I did study Greek.
• 48:40
  Allie Stanley Cooney: Um, so, yeah, a Greek lexicon app, a blue letter Bible.
• 48:46
  Allie Stanley Cooney: I think those are my two.
• 48:48
  Sandra Stanley: Yeah, yeah.
• 48:49
  Sandra Stanley: Well, when I was in my late forties I went back and got a seminary degree and I went to DTS, which Allie also did and Andy did, and you know everybody in our family.
• 48:58
  Sandra Stanley: So I went to DTS and they gave us a subscription to Logos and so I have, over the course of my seminary education and even beyond, I'm just a Logos girl.
• 49:11
  Sandra Stanley: I love the tools that are available on there and the lots of different kinds of commentaries and the word study piece of it is so great I was using it this morning and it just so.
• 49:24
  Sandra Stanley: So I have to say I'm I'm a Logos fan.
• 49:26
  Sandra Stanley: It takes a minute to kind of learn it.
• 49:28
  Sandra Stanley: It's not super intuitive, but once you learn it and you figure out which tools within it you love, then it's awesome.
• 49:35
  Sandra Stanley: So my favorite is Logos.
• 49:38
  Ellen Krause: Oh, that is so great.
• 49:39
  Ellen Krause: We love Logos also and for our listeners who might be interested.
• 49:45
  Ellen Krause: Actually I just said on a webinar with them they're coming out with a new monthly subscription.
• 49:51
  Ellen Krause: So before you had to buy like a pretty expensive version and they're changing that now.
• 49:58
  Ellen Krause: So we'll try to put some information in the links or in our show notes as well.
• 50:03
  Ellen Krause: So well, Sandra and Allie, thank you so much for being here today.
• 50:08
  Ellen Krause: What a joy to talk to you both.
• 50:09
  Ellen Krause: I love your passion for providing tools that are going to help mothers and daughters, and it'll just be such a blessing for many years and generations to come.
• 50:21
  Sandra Stanley: Well, thank you for having us.
• 50:22
  Ellen Krause: Ellen, thank you so much.
• 50:23
  Sandra Stanley: It's a joy to talk to you.
• 50:25
  Ellen Krause: Wonderful.
• 50:25
  Ellen Krause: Thank you, and for our listeners, I highly recommend getting a copy of Sandra and Allie's book Meet Me in the Middle.
• 50:33
  Ellen Krause: It's such a phenomenal resource to have in your parenting toolbox.
• 50:38
  Ellen Krause: Well, we love you all.
• 50:40
  Ellen Krause: We appreciate you listening so much, and have a blessed day.