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Transcript

I Can't Believe I'm Straight | Brittany Lyseng | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣😁 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I'm pumped to be here.
• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is exciting.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, this is fun.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Having a nice time.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody's nuts now.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_01: Okay?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone went crazy?
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_01: It's fun.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: It makes me feel less crazy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I like it.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: I met this guy first five minutes of talking to him.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Comes in hot.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, hey, just so you know, I don't believe in climate change.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, just so you know, it's just you and me, behind a dumpster doing whippets.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: You want to kiss or not?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: I have a hard time talking to adults anymore.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know where anyone's at.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone's so heated now.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: I like talking to kids.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: You like kids?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: I love talking to kids.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: I have a six-year-old nephew.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: This guy rocks my world.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Everything he says, it's so funny to me.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: We were on a boat this summer, and it was me and my six-year-old nephew and my dad, and we're in the middle of the water, and my nephew kind of stands up out of nowhere and he points at me and he goes, Hey, how come you gotta wear a bathing suit top and grandpa doesn't?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I don't know, actually.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, tell Grandpa to put one on.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, he owns this boat, dude.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, then you take yours off.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, uh-uh.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: And he goes, why not?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, buddy, I don't know what the rules are anymore.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: All I know is it can't be you, me, and grandpa tits out on the boat.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: Those are all it'll make you weird, brother.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: I can't be the reason you grow up to be milky, milky, yum yum boy, you know what I mean?
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: These can't be the first tits you see.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's easy to grow up weird, you know?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm almost 40, I still live with my sister.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's too old.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_01: I just too old to live with a sibling.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Not because I don't like it, I love it.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_01: But I left my house the other day, and my neighbor stopped me in the driveway and he goes, hey, I know we don't know each other very well.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: But he goes, tell you what, I'd like to change that.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, Me and my wife would love to have you and your wife over for supper.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm a broke comedian, so I was just like, what are we having?
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_01: I will make out with my sister for rose beef.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I do not care.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's just hard getting old, you know, you're not ready for all the little things.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know this was gonna happen.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know I was gonna become so nostalgic about a time I can't go back to, you know?
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Like if I could make a magic wish, and I know I can't, but if I could, I'd want to go back to when you could rent videos from video stores.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, right?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was the best feeling, hey?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: If you didn't get to experience that, I'll describe it for you.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_01: You and your family would go to a blockbuster to have a domestic in front of another family.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: That's all it was.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is a new place your parents could hit you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: We were in trouble before we got there.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like the excitement started in the car.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: My dad would just be screaming into the rearview mirror, he'd be like, you go in there, you rent one goddamn movie, I don't want to hear any pissing and moaning.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, watch the road.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: We'd form a little government within ourselves just so we could vote the youngest one down.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: And we would like rush in in solidarity, grab a movie.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: We were so pumped, but it did not matter what we picked.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because we still had to present it to my dad at the cash register.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_01: Like he was our overlord.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Like we still had to rush up there and be like, here, Papa.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: You like?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: My dad would be holding a cigarette outside the blockbuster, but still smoking it inside.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_01: He did not give a shit.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, this rule's never gonna last.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: And then he'd veto us.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: He'd veto us, he'd be like, no, I work 60 hours a week.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: We get one movie, it's not gonna be Space Jam.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: But it back.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then he'd go back and pick what he wanted, which was always like pulp fiction.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: Which, in case you're wondering, is a crazy choice for an 11-year-old.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: All it meant if my dad picked the movie was as a family over roast beef dinner, we were gonna have to endure a graphic sex scene as one.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Which he hated the most.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: Like if they started kissing, he'd start coughing over the kissing.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: And I'd be like, you know our eyes work, right?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You are doing the wrong thing.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_01: If I got a little heavier, a little sweatier, he would panic and he would drop his plate and he would sprint from the back of the living room and he would fast forward through the sex scene.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: Now, for those of you who remember how VCRs work, you will know that we still watched it happen.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: We just watched them fuck faster.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: When I lost my virginity, I was like, dude, you need to go way faster.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: I'm never gonna come.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm gonna need you to cough now for some weird reason.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a straight lady.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that wild?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't that someone's oopsie whoopsie?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like I grew up playing hockey, you know.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: I played all the way up to junior double A.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: I worked in the trades.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I was an elevator mechanic for 12 years.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: I drive a Subaru Outback.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like they made a whole gay body forgot to turn it on.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: This is a nightmare.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: In case you're wondering.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I just like don't even know how butch I'm being, you know what I mean?
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like one, I was just like flirting with this dude the other day, and I was standing like this.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: In my head, I was like, I'm being very approachable.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: But do you understand?
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's not the shirt, it's not the voice, it's everything I'm doing.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: There's nothing I'm doing that isn't like, you know, because he's just like, how's your day?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, dah you know, fuck, same shit, different day.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: You mean you want to make this happen?
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: I'm always scratching my back on a post.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, damn it, I can't quite get there.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: I think I just need a bigger, tougher, stronger dude than me.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I need in the end, you know?
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So this is who I am.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's it's it's gonna be a f it's a it'll be a while.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, here's the thing.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: If we break down on the side of the road, I need you to be able to change a tire faster than me.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm quick.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the whole time I'm gonna be standing over you like, Jesus Christ.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: If I have to lefty Lucy, righty tidy, a full-grown man on the side of the road, I will dry up and die.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: It's everything.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's because I spent so much time around men, you know, truly.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like I was I was an elevator mechanic.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I used to do.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: I used to build elevators and escalators for a living.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: I was actually the first uh female elevator mechanic where I'm from.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't a good one.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I just the first one.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: Lost a lot of good men, actually.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_01: I um they shouldn't let us do that kind of stuff.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's too heavy.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I loved it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: It was just me and 300 dudes and just never in the way that I hoped, you know?
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: But I missed it.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I missed it.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I liked it, man.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: It was a blast being around dudes.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if um I don't know if girls know this about guys specifically, left to their own devices.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think we think when we're not in that situation anymore, it's just them only men, that the sexual harassment stops.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm here to report it gets worse, is actually what happened.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: They are for a group of the most homophobic people, straight dudes are doing the most homoerotic things to one another.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I am here for it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You guys don't even know you're doing it.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's very cute.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: You guys are always hitting each other in the nuts, whatever this is, whatever this move is, I love it.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's you named it.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's called bag tagging.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_01: That's wild.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: It's flirting.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: And everybody knows what it is.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's you guys.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: I asked my Australian friend, I go, you know, bag tagging?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, no.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: I tapped him in the nuts and he goes, oh, sack whacking.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: That's crazy.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Women do not communicate this way.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: I promise you.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I have never once been at brunch just clam slamming bitches.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like I have never once been at brunch just like pasta charcuterie, Sharon, you salty bitch.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Get over here.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: If I want to kiss my friends, I just do it.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't let it get all pent up like that in me and then trickle it out in nut slaps.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_01: You guys have been a lot of fun.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you very much.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: My name is