Latest / Groove with Portia / No Blame, Just Love: A Different Grief Perspective

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No Blame, Just Love: A Different Grief Perspective · Groove with Portia

0:06
Speaker 1: Welcome to Groul Porsche, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
0:09
Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Porsche the Producer, and
0:13
Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
0:15
Speaker 1: where we were exchange laughter, of course, the best medicine
0:18
Speaker 1: of them all, reflect on cherish memories, Remember that time
0:21
Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
0:23
Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park yikes, And of course, discover
0:26
Speaker 1: gratitude while navigating one of life's hardest challenges lost. So
0:31
Speaker 1: get ready to grow with me, Porsche the Producer, let's
0:35
Speaker 1: dive in. Hello everybody, and welcome back to Girl Porsche.
0:47
Speaker 1: I am your host, Porsche Booker, and as always, don't
0:49
Speaker 1: forget to like, share and subscribe to keep it with
0:52
Speaker 1: the latest and greatest of all Withdrew with Porsche. So
0:55
Speaker 1: you guys. A few weeks ago, I was going through
0:58
Speaker 1: my phone and I found the recording from the last
1:02
Speaker 1: conversation I had with my mom. And those of you
1:05
Speaker 1: who know the story about my mom making her transition,
1:08
Speaker 1: I was in the room with her and I had
1:10
Speaker 1: the opportunity to tell her how much I loved her,
1:13
Speaker 1: how grateful I was for keeping her foot up my
1:16
Speaker 1: butt all my life, even though it was tough. But
1:19
Speaker 1: at the same time, there was a bittersweet moment in
1:24
Speaker 1: that room because I literally watched her take her last breath.
1:28
Speaker 1: But the thing that I find gratitude in to this day, everybody,
1:32
Speaker 1: is the fact that I was given the opportunity to
1:35
Speaker 1: let her know where today everybody, I am joined by
1:39
Speaker 1: an individual who did not have the same luxury as me.
1:42
Speaker 1: I am joined by a father, an author, and someone
1:47
Speaker 1: who is now living through the legacy of his late daughter,
1:51
Speaker 1: Miss Elena Murray Housley, who was murdered in the Borderland
1:54
Speaker 1: shooting in California in twenty eighteen. So welcome Zagreu with
1:58
Speaker 1: Portsie her father, mister Eric Housley. Eric, it's an honor
2:02
Speaker 1: to have you today.
2:04
Speaker 2: Oh thanks, Porticha. I appreciate you having me on. Eric.
2:08
Speaker 1: First of all, I love to start off my conversations
2:11
Speaker 1: with gratitude. What are you grateful for today?
2:14
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, you don't have enough time on the show
2:16
Speaker 2: for me to go through all of it. I mean,
2:19
Speaker 2: it's funny. I just put on one of my pods
2:21
Speaker 2: and or my blog the other day. Is I just
2:24
Speaker 2: wrote one about you know, being grateful and finding those
2:27
Speaker 2: things that we can be I think, you know, I'm
2:30
Speaker 2: just grateful for every day, Like I mean, we're so
2:32
Speaker 2: fortunate to have this time together and to meet people
2:37
Speaker 2: and to help expand our mind. So I'm just I'm
2:41
Speaker 2: grateful for every day.
2:42
Speaker 1: Excellent, you know, Eric, I'm the same way. Right. We're
2:45
Speaker 1: in the holiday season, and obviously for both of us,
2:48
Speaker 1: holidays look a little different because there was a glue,
2:52
Speaker 1: there was a tradition that we had because our person
2:55
Speaker 1: was physically here right right, And I'm curious, Eric, for
2:58
Speaker 1: our audience who's tuning in, I'm doing this a little
3:01
Speaker 1: different than normal. Please share with the audience who Elena
3:06
Speaker 1: was when she was here. I mean, she was eighteen
3:09
Speaker 1: when she transitioned, But tell us who she was the
3:12
Speaker 1: years that you've spent with her as her father.
3:15
Speaker 2: You know, It's funny, after losing Elena, there were things
3:19
Speaker 2: that really showed us of who she was. Like she
3:23
Speaker 2: was always that very kind, Like every time I'd be
3:27
Speaker 2: sitting on the couch, even if it was like a
3:29
Speaker 2: hot summer night, she'd sit down right next to me,
3:31
Speaker 2: like on my shoulder and have her head on my
3:34
Speaker 2: shoulder and Finally I'd have to turn and go, Lena,
3:36
Speaker 2: I love you, but it is so hot in here,
3:39
Speaker 2: and she's like, okay, Daddy like and just move over.
3:42
Speaker 2: Whatever avid reader are. My joke is, especially after finishing
3:48
Speaker 2: writing my book, was my son goes, you wrote a
3:51
Speaker 2: book I didn't even know you read, you know, ha ha.
3:54
Speaker 2: And Elena was the one. I'd be out working in
3:56
Speaker 2: the yard and she'd go, oh, I finished my book.
3:58
Speaker 2: Do you need a hand? And I go didn't you
4:00
Speaker 2: start that yesterday? She goes, oh, yeah, I mean it
4:02
Speaker 2: was like a book a weekend type of a person.
4:06
Speaker 2: Just you know, we encouraged her to go out that night.
4:09
Speaker 2: She was a nerd. Like We're like, will you please
4:11
Speaker 2: go out and have fun? And you know, go to
4:13
Speaker 2: a borderline like go dancing, do whatever. And because you're
4:16
Speaker 2: a college student, you're supposed to enjoy it a little
4:18
Speaker 2: bit too. So just all she was super present. Ironically,
4:26
Speaker 2: after we some of the things that we noticed was
4:28
Speaker 2: she was that kid that wanted to her. She was
4:32
Speaker 2: distraught because she had three parties she was invited to
4:35
Speaker 2: for birthday parties when she was thirteen, right, and she's like,
4:38
Speaker 2: but all three of them are at the same time,
4:40
Speaker 2: and I'm like, well, you can't go to all three,
4:41
Speaker 2: so you're gonna have to choose one. Right, That was
4:44
Speaker 2: my But for her, she was very upset because these
4:47
Speaker 2: were her friends and so she was very present, and
4:51
Speaker 2: after her passing, it made me realize, like, gosh, was
4:53
Speaker 2: she aware that her time here was really limited and
4:57
Speaker 2: because of that, that's why she didn't want to miss
4:59
Speaker 2: any opportunit unity. She was, you know, that whole fomo
5:01
Speaker 2: of everything, like she wanted to do everything and see
5:05
Speaker 2: everything and be everything. And then even quotes in her
5:08
Speaker 2: room talked about you know, life is short, loved the
5:11
Speaker 2: ones that you you you know, like keep people close,
5:15
Speaker 2: things that were written on her wall.
5:16
Speaker 1: Right, you know, Eric, I love how you brought up
5:18
Speaker 1: about the hot summer, like hey, I want to sit
5:21
Speaker 1: next to dad today. It's like, I'm surprised, Eric, you
5:25
Speaker 1: probably wanted to have like an IV under your arm
5:27
Speaker 1: to keep your deodorant going because if it's hot, like
5:30
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, depending on what part of Cali you're.
5:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, exactly, Well it's it's it's we're in the
5:37
Speaker 2: Napa Valley. It's not crazy. Most of the year, there
5:40
Speaker 2: will get some hot days. But I just run hot
5:43
Speaker 2: all the time. I'm like, I'm always warm. So you know,
5:46
Speaker 2: then you put another body next to you and you're like, Okay,
5:49
Speaker 2: it's warm here. I love you. Can you scoot over
5:51
Speaker 2: a little bit? But yeah, it's funny.
5:54
Speaker 1: Pre roastshow dot Com is how I look at it.
5:57
Speaker 1: I mean, just you know, just go ahead and rose
5:59
Speaker 1: like people would put what eggs on their their car
6:03
Speaker 1: hoods to cook them in the desert and stuff. I mean,
6:05
Speaker 1: that's essentially what you got from Molena, right, Like, here's
6:08
Speaker 1: love but also I'm.
6:09
Speaker 2: Roasting you, yeah, exactly.
6:12
Speaker 1: You know, Eric, you brought up something we were talking
6:16
Speaker 1: a little bit before we started today about the day
6:20
Speaker 1: of Atlanta's transition, and you talked about how you encouraged
6:24
Speaker 1: her to look, go out, be young, have fun, right,
6:28
Speaker 1: And I brought up in the beginning, I was given
6:31
Speaker 1: the opportunity to let my mother know how I felt
6:34
Speaker 1: about her. And I'm curious, Eric, when you think back
6:38
Speaker 1: to that day in twenty eighteen, you remember the last
6:42
Speaker 1: words that you told her before she went out the door.
6:45
Speaker 2: You know, we didn't we didn't speak to her that evening.
6:50
Speaker 2: So she was at Pepperdine University she was a freshman.
6:53
Speaker 2: We are in northern California, about six seven hours north,
6:57
Speaker 2: and so we spoke to her kind of earlier in
6:59
Speaker 2: the day, I believe, or even in text message. The
7:02
Speaker 2: last time I actually spoke to her was the night before.
7:06
Speaker 2: We were on FaceTime and just you know, like finally
7:11
Speaker 2: I was like, Lena, I love you. I'm falling asleep,
7:14
Speaker 2: like here's your mom, you know, like because we would
7:16
Speaker 2: just be chatting, and you know, she had gone through
7:20
Speaker 2: some tough moments at school and tough for typical students. Right,
7:23
Speaker 2: she didn't get the sorority she was hoping to get.
7:26
Speaker 2: She didn't get into the choir she was hoping, you know,
7:28
Speaker 2: wanting to get into. But then the week before she
7:33
Speaker 2: got into the Florence Program for International Studies, which is
7:36
Speaker 2: where she wanted to go, and she got on the
7:38
Speaker 2: mock trial team, which is what she wanted to do.
7:41
Speaker 2: And then that night of the mock trial, it was
7:45
Speaker 2: their first it was their first kind of team meeting,
7:48
Speaker 2: and she went in and she had like I guess
7:50
Speaker 2: the teacher or the advisor. Her story was, I walked
7:55
Speaker 2: into the room and there's the pro and the con
7:57
Speaker 2: and on whichever side one of them was just build
8:01
Speaker 2: to the hilt, like if they had spent a whole
8:03
Speaker 2: bunch of time on it. And so she walks in,
8:07
Speaker 2: she sees the captain. She's like, who's been working on that?
8:10
Speaker 2: They're like the new freshman girl, Elena, and she goes, oh,
8:12
Speaker 2: you've got a future team captain here, like of how
8:14
Speaker 2: into it she was, and she did really well, and
8:17
Speaker 2: so it was just funny to see like how like
8:20
Speaker 2: engaged she was when she was there. So that night
8:24
Speaker 2: she ended up having dinner at one of my fraternity
8:28
Speaker 2: brothers homes. He was a religion professor on campus pepper
8:32
Speaker 2: Dam to Church of Christ affiliated school. So they have
8:34
Speaker 2: convocation every every week and one of the options is
8:38
Speaker 2: is like you know, like private settings with So there
8:41
Speaker 2: was I think fifteen all juniors and seniors except Elena
8:44
Speaker 2: was the only freshman, and she would go there every week.
8:49
Speaker 2: And then so they all had said, oh my gosh,
8:51
Speaker 2: you got to go. You got to go up dancing.
8:53
Speaker 2: We've all done it. It's so much fun, you know,
8:56
Speaker 2: And so there was guilts from some of them when
8:58
Speaker 2: we got a chance to meet them, because they were like, well,
9:00
Speaker 2: we told her to go, and we were like, but
9:02
Speaker 2: we don't blame you for that, Like she was doing
9:06
Speaker 2: what she should be doing. She's a college student. She
9:08
Speaker 2: should be enjoying herself, right there was. My wife used
9:10
Speaker 2: the phrase one time, she was in the right place
9:14
Speaker 2: at the right time when evil walked in. And that's
9:16
Speaker 2: where we kind of look at it that way. There's
9:18
Speaker 2: really nobody to blame in that that we can and
9:22
Speaker 2: we can. You know, we could even blame the shooter,
9:24
Speaker 2: which we we don't necessarily. I mean, he was in
9:27
Speaker 2: a place where, you know, in a very bad place.
9:29
Speaker 2: In that way, the forgiveness is a is something that
9:32
Speaker 2: that's really set us free. But yeah, for for Lena,
9:37
Speaker 2: we you know, we encouraged her to go out. We
9:40
Speaker 2: kept we had been encouraging her for weeks to go
9:42
Speaker 2: out and do something and just go out and enjoy
9:44
Speaker 2: it a little bit. And you know, sometimes that's hard. Oh,
9:48
Speaker 2: I agree.
9:49
Speaker 1: I mean, you it sounds to me like both you
9:52
Speaker 1: and your wife are like, look, you're young, they have fun.
9:56
Speaker 1: You know, I'm putting my trust in you being responsible,
9:58
Speaker 1: And I mean it sounds like Elena was very driven,
10:02
Speaker 1: I mean, just to go get her beyond her time.
10:06
Speaker 1: With her being so young, and you know, all the
10:09
Speaker 1: aspirations and all the things. And I'm curious Eric too.
10:14
Speaker 1: You brought up about you and your wife right and
10:18
Speaker 1: forgiveness being that band aid to help set both of
10:23
Speaker 1: you free from you know, holding on to so much hurt, guilt,
10:27
Speaker 1: all the things. And I'm curious, Eric, what did it
10:31
Speaker 1: take for you and your wife to come together to
10:35
Speaker 1: work with your grief and not grow apart. Where I've
10:39
Speaker 1: seen some families where, you know, spouses have their own
10:44
Speaker 1: grief journeys and sometimes they end up divorced.
10:48
Speaker 2: You know, I've been amazed at how many people posts
10:52
Speaker 2: losing Elena have come forward that had also lost children
10:55
Speaker 2: or grandchildren or you know, somebody very close to them.
10:59
Speaker 2: And don't get me started on the ones that come
11:01
Speaker 2: up and go, I know how you feel. I lost
11:03
Speaker 2: my dog last week. I'm like, oh wow, not that
11:07
Speaker 2: it's not grief, don't get me wrong, but I'm like,
11:09
Speaker 2: I don't know that you know how I feel. So
11:11
Speaker 2: I always tell people, I'm like, do not ever say,
11:13
Speaker 2: even if you lost a child to gun violence, I
11:16
Speaker 2: know you don't know how I feel. I don't know
11:18
Speaker 2: how my wife feels. I know how it feels to
11:21
Speaker 2: lose someone. But but you don't know how I feel,
11:24
Speaker 2: especially right now, right for us in you know, for
11:30
Speaker 2: Hannah and I. I've met so many people that have
11:33
Speaker 2: lost children. And one of them came to me that
11:35
Speaker 2: I'd known for years, and he turns to me and
11:37
Speaker 2: he goes. I don't know if you know my story,
11:39
Speaker 2: but I lost my daughter to a drunk driving accident,
11:43
Speaker 2: and my wife and I, ten years later got divorced.
11:45
Speaker 2: She was so into the mother's against drunk drivers. It
11:49
Speaker 2: was just too much and I just I needed to
11:53
Speaker 2: be able to free myself of that. Like I still
11:55
Speaker 2: love my daughter. I missed my daughter, but I just
11:58
Speaker 2: couldn't keep doing it. And everything was about the next rally,
12:01
Speaker 2: the next event, and and so they ended up divorcing,
12:06
Speaker 2: and he'd been remarried down the road, you know. And
12:08
Speaker 2: I'm kind of a believer, and you know, like and
12:10
Speaker 2: I struggle with God has a plan because you know,
12:13
Speaker 2: knowing how Elena went in that way. Yet I look
12:17
Speaker 2: at it and go like he, but maybe he's in
12:19
Speaker 2: control of this organized chaos we call earth right or
12:22
Speaker 2: what however we want to look at it. But I,
12:27
Speaker 2: you know, for Hannah and I, it's really driven us
12:30
Speaker 2: together in our son too. We're very close. Every time
12:35
Speaker 2: we leave Alex he's a student in in the in
12:37
Speaker 2: England going to university. Every time we leave, you know,
12:40
Speaker 2: one of us is in tears, and he and I
12:42
Speaker 2: always joke around about who's going to get allergies first,
12:46
Speaker 2: so we call him where We're like, oh, allergies in
12:48
Speaker 2: this airport. Uh, you know, so it becomes kind of
12:51
Speaker 2: a joke for us. Yet the thing that I did
12:56
Speaker 2: most importantly after was listen. Hannah looked at me. I was.
13:01
Speaker 2: So we were on national news because of my brother.
13:04
Speaker 2: My brother used to be in television news forever. My
13:07
Speaker 2: sister in law's an actress, and so we were on
13:10
Speaker 2: I believe CBS, pardon if I'm wrong, but CBS News
13:13
Speaker 2: like National like two days after the shooting. So shooting
13:16
Speaker 2: was on Wednesday night at Sunday. So on Sunday we
13:18
Speaker 2: were on this National Network show and they had come
13:21
Speaker 2: here and doing the interview, and I just turned and
13:24
Speaker 2: I was like, mark my words, Elena's voice will be heard.
13:27
Speaker 2: And I didn't even know what I said and why
13:30
Speaker 2: it meant that, right, And so I started coming out
13:34
Speaker 2: like Okay, how can we do this and like, how
13:36
Speaker 2: can we start to create change. Families should not be
13:38
Speaker 2: going through this. People children should be able to go
13:41
Speaker 2: to schools, you know, like people should be able to
13:44
Speaker 2: go to church and worship, no matter what that synagogue
13:46
Speaker 2: or whatever that looks like. We should be able to
13:48
Speaker 2: have those things without worrying that somebody's gonna walk into
13:52
Speaker 2: Nevada buy an assault rifle over the counter and then
13:54
Speaker 2: turn around and go take you know, kill nine, ten,
13:57
Speaker 2: twelve people, or attend to. And the one thing we've
14:02
Speaker 2: always kind of said is this is really not about
14:04
Speaker 2: for us. It's not really a gun debate. It's just
14:07
Speaker 2: it's hate, and it's there's so much deeper. Timothy McVeigh
14:10
Speaker 2: didn't need a gun to kill two hundred and fifty
14:12
Speaker 2: some odd people at the Oklahoma Federal Building. You know,
14:15
Speaker 2: he filled his car with fertilizer, right, So I think
14:18
Speaker 2: for us. Hannah looked at me early on, and the
14:22
Speaker 2: thing I learned was to listen. She looked at me,
14:24
Speaker 2: and she goes, I need you to slow down, like
14:27
Speaker 2: this is this is a marathon, not a sprint, and
14:29
Speaker 2: I need you like I need you to be present.
14:32
Speaker 2: And she became very introspective in her journey where she's
14:37
Speaker 2: extremely deliberate, almost annoyingly. And I joke around with her
14:41
Speaker 2: about it, like even on a text message, if she's
14:43
Speaker 2: going to send you Portia. If you guys were friends
14:45
Speaker 2: and she's sending you a text message, she if she
14:48
Speaker 2: were to turn she'd be like re erasing it and
14:51
Speaker 2: writing it like something. I'm like, it's a text message,
14:53
Speaker 2: Just send it like it's not that big of a deal,
14:55
Speaker 2: especially when it's not like an important one. If you
14:57
Speaker 2: don't want it, if it's important, fine make the phone called,
15:00
Speaker 2: don't send it in text. But she's very deliberate about
15:03
Speaker 2: her words. And for me, I can you know, I'm
15:07
Speaker 2: happy to do it. If I make a mistakes, I apologize, Porsche.
15:11
Speaker 2: That wasn't the way it was intended. Here's what I
15:12
Speaker 2: was trying to say. But for her, she's extremely deliberate
15:16
Speaker 2: about the words she uses. So I saw, I saw
15:20
Speaker 2: that and heard her ask me to like we need
15:24
Speaker 2: to slow down a little bit, and and so I
15:26
Speaker 2: respected that, And that was that was huge. If I
15:28
Speaker 2: were to give anybody advice, it's if you are going
15:31
Speaker 2: to do it, you have to listen to one another
15:32
Speaker 2: of what you need in that relationship because the relationship's
15:36
Speaker 2: different now and moving forward it will be different forever
15:39
Speaker 2: because you're both balancing a huge you know, a huge
15:44
Speaker 2: peace in your life and trying to figure that out.
15:47
Speaker 1: You know, Eric, I love how you brought up that
15:49
Speaker 1: God has a plan because I run grief groups locally,
15:54
Speaker 1: and I love how my participants will tell me the
15:57
Speaker 1: different platitudes right that people will say to them, Right,
16:01
Speaker 1: some of them have lost children by means of suicide, right,
16:06
Speaker 1: are others by natural causes? And they'll say to me, like,
16:10
Speaker 1: I'm so tired of hearing that God has a plan. Right,
16:13
Speaker 1: You're not ready to hear that you have to reach
16:16
Speaker 1: a level of acceptance for yourself. And I'm curious for you, Eric,
16:22
Speaker 1: from the standpoint of a parent, I also love how
16:25
Speaker 1: you brought up too that I understand, right, even though
16:30
Speaker 1: we've experienced a loss, that's the common denominator, our way
16:36
Speaker 1: of interpreting that loss is different. And how can you
16:41
Speaker 1: encourage other parents, Eric to be mindful of what they're
16:46
Speaker 1: saying and also really take into account their own grief
16:53
Speaker 1: journey as far as how they're going about it and
16:57
Speaker 1: being open to going on their own path and really
17:02
Speaker 1: taking in the difference.
17:05
Speaker 2: Right. Yeah, that's a great question, I guess, and I
17:10
Speaker 2: just recently put a blog out on that too, as
17:13
Speaker 2: there's ways things to kind of avoid certain comments to avoid.
17:18
Speaker 2: One of them that I suggest too to avoid, especially
17:21
Speaker 2: in the beginning, is you know she's in a better place,
17:25
Speaker 2: you know, like God, God has bigger plans for her.
17:30
Speaker 2: Those are things that are you know, like paved with
17:33
Speaker 2: good intentions, right, But not everybody's ready for that right now.
17:38
Speaker 2: And it's hard because from my standpoint, I get extra
17:44
Speaker 2: leeway that could be unfair. But if you want to
17:47
Speaker 2: be in my shoes instead, we can switch places. That's fine.
17:49
Speaker 2: But I get to say things to people that others
17:52
Speaker 2: don't without getting response. So if if I turn to
17:57
Speaker 2: you Portia and you didn't know my story and they said,
18:00
Speaker 2: you know, how you doing a lot of times those
18:02
Speaker 2: people that are still raw in it with their response
18:04
Speaker 2: is well, how do you eten think I'm doing? Right?
18:07
Speaker 2: You know? But because when someone knows my story, I
18:12
Speaker 2: say how are you doing, You're like, oh gosh, you
18:14
Speaker 2: know how it feels to just be in this fog
18:17
Speaker 2: right now? Right? I asked the same question with the
18:19
Speaker 2: same inflection, but I get extra I get extra room
18:23
Speaker 2: because they know I can relate and we're in this
18:26
Speaker 2: club together sadly that they understand that I understand grief
18:30
Speaker 2: to the nth degree. My suggestion for people is one
18:37
Speaker 2: of my pet peeves, and I don't know why, is
18:39
Speaker 2: there are no words. I'm like, if there's no words,
18:41
Speaker 2: then don't even say there's no words, right, Like, just
18:43
Speaker 2: don't say it. I always just appreciated somebody making eye
18:47
Speaker 2: contact and just you know, giving me a nod or something,
18:50
Speaker 2: or you know, thinking about you guys, you know, love
18:55
Speaker 2: love you guys, or you know, like something simple. There's
18:59
Speaker 2: a lot of peopleeople that are in their grief journey
19:02
Speaker 2: that it's like I want, like I want them to
19:04
Speaker 2: know Elena. I want them to know who she was,
19:07
Speaker 2: and that's their journey and I can respect that. For me,
19:10
Speaker 2: frequently when I'm on a podcast or something, people mispronounce
19:13
Speaker 2: the name or you know, like you know, like her
19:16
Speaker 2: name color Elena Alana, And that stuff doesn't bother me
19:20
Speaker 2: because she'll live with us forever. She's a piece of
19:24
Speaker 2: us forever. Right. So it's my suggestion for people is
19:30
Speaker 2: tread lightly when when doing it, and then don't take
19:33
Speaker 2: it on both sides. One, I'm convinced that one hundred
19:37
Speaker 2: percent of the people, and I shouldn't say one hundred percent.
19:39
Speaker 2: There's always some whack job, you know, like but because
19:42
Speaker 2: I mean, we got conspiracy letters that it didn't even happen, right,
19:45
Speaker 2: But let's say one hundred percent of normal people. Their
19:48
Speaker 2: intention is to say something in kindness. Is so even
19:53
Speaker 2: if they're like even the person who said, oh, gosh,
19:56
Speaker 2: you know, I know how you feel. I lost my
19:58
Speaker 2: dog last week, she's trying to relate to show I
20:01
Speaker 2: care about you and I feel your pain, and she
20:05
Speaker 2: doesn't feel my pain. But at the same time, I
20:08
Speaker 2: know what she's trying to do, so I didn't take
20:10
Speaker 2: offense to it. Even people saying, oh, I'd like to
20:13
Speaker 2: drop off some food. Sure, we've got a mountain in
20:16
Speaker 2: the fridge, but I just turn out and go, okay,
20:18
Speaker 2: you know, like, thank you so much, because they want
20:20
Speaker 2: to do something. On the side of the people giving,
20:23
Speaker 2: I say give and then don't expect any response that
20:28
Speaker 2: you're expecting because you just don't know where they're at.
20:31
Speaker 2: So take them food and just say, hey, just wanted it.
20:33
Speaker 2: Drop us off if you don't want it. I'll take
20:36
Speaker 2: it back right now. Do not take offense to that.
20:38
Speaker 2: You don't know if they're like, oh my gosh, my
20:40
Speaker 2: kitchen has food everywhere. I don't even know where to
20:42
Speaker 2: put it. Even the comment of if there's anything you need,
20:47
Speaker 2: there's they asked me that. So we had just been informed.
20:51
Speaker 2: We went to Pepperdine. We were surrounded by people. We
20:54
Speaker 2: didn't know what's going on? Are we going back today?
20:56
Speaker 2: Are we like, what's happening? Do we need to go
20:59
Speaker 2: back to that oaks to identify the body? We just
21:01
Speaker 2: we had no idea what was happening. And that a
21:05
Speaker 2: woman came up. She goes, I think you're going to
21:07
Speaker 2: stay at the Chancellor's house, Like they're going to put
21:09
Speaker 2: you up in one of the homes here tonight because
21:11
Speaker 2: you have a lot of people here that have come
21:13
Speaker 2: to be with you guys. Do what would you like
21:16
Speaker 2: us to put in the fridge? And I'm like, I
21:17
Speaker 2: have no idea, and I go bananas and water? Am
21:21
Speaker 2: I here an hour or a week? Like I have
21:22
Speaker 2: no idea? She goes, you know what, I'm just going
21:24
Speaker 2: to fill the fridge and whatever you want, you know, like,
21:27
Speaker 2: whatever you need. I just can't do alcohol. I said,
21:30
Speaker 2: that's fine, because you know, university credit card whatever. I said,
21:33
Speaker 2: we can get that on our own. We'll get wine
21:35
Speaker 2: on our own. I'll send one of my friends. Right,
21:38
Speaker 2: and then she just filled the fridge. And those are
21:41
Speaker 2: the things to me that are really important. Just do
21:43
Speaker 2: for people. That a wonderful and sorry to babble, but
21:47
Speaker 2: a wonderful one that I a friend of mine told
21:50
Speaker 2: me about that I try to do now is they
21:54
Speaker 2: send a message and say, I'm in my car, I'm
21:57
Speaker 2: at your curb, I have my laptop on my phone.
22:00
Speaker 2: I don't need you to I don't need anything. I
22:02
Speaker 2: just want you to know I'm here. If you'd like
22:03
Speaker 2: me to come, do the laundry, do the dishes, go
22:06
Speaker 2: for a walk, you want somebody to talk, and if not,
22:08
Speaker 2: just know I'm close and I care about you. Done,
22:11
Speaker 2: you don't have to tell them, Please tell me what
22:13
Speaker 2: you need. If they go, oh my gosh, could you
22:15
Speaker 2: come inside or if they come out to the car, great,
22:18
Speaker 2: you know, like let them let them decide to engage.
22:21
Speaker 2: But if not, you know, play Sudoku on your phone
22:25
Speaker 2: for an hour and a half, like you know, send
22:28
Speaker 2: some emails and hotspot your laptop if you need to.
22:31
Speaker 2: But they that message of you being there and caring
22:35
Speaker 2: enough to actually do that is such a better message
22:39
Speaker 2: that resonates to somebody and they might just want this.
22:43
Speaker 2: There's a woman now I'm speaking to quite a bit
22:46
Speaker 2: who just lost her daughter recently, like two weeks ago,
22:50
Speaker 2: very tragically, and she said, like, I'm needing the grieve
22:53
Speaker 2: and some people are just they keep showing up and
22:55
Speaker 2: I need the space. And I'm also saying you do
22:58
Speaker 2: need the space, but you also don't need the ice
23:00
Speaker 2: too much as well, Like, don't go down that dark
23:03
Speaker 2: hole that you can go if you isolate too long.
23:06
Speaker 2: Does that make sense?
23:07
Speaker 1: Oh, one hundred percent, because you're right. That's that's the
23:10
Speaker 1: duality right in the grief journey where yeah, you want
23:15
Speaker 1: your solitude to grieve on your own, however that looks,
23:19
Speaker 1: but also you need that community of people who can
23:23
Speaker 1: be there for you, let you cry, let you scream,
23:27
Speaker 1: and not judge you. Right. They they're there to love
23:31
Speaker 1: you unconditionally. So I one hundred percent get that. And
23:36
Speaker 1: you know, Eric, first of all, lots of gratitude to
23:40
Speaker 1: you for coming on today and sharing with our audience
23:44
Speaker 1: from a father's perspective of losing a child, you know,
23:48
Speaker 1: especially by murder, and you know, the what ifs, write
23:54
Speaker 1: all the questions and also choosing the rout of forgiveness.
23:58
Speaker 1: Before we conclude to that, I want to definitely make
24:00
Speaker 1: sure that our audience is aware that you also are
24:03
Speaker 1: a new author of the book Always November Lessons in
24:08
Speaker 1: Lost Love and Resilience. So for our audience, Eric, who
24:12
Speaker 1: are I'm curious, Eric, how did you come up with
24:14
Speaker 1: the title? And the reason why I asked that is
24:17
Speaker 1: because I know Elena was murdered in November, so I
24:21
Speaker 1: was curious, is there you know, kind of how did
24:24
Speaker 1: you decide on that title considering that it, you know,
24:29
Speaker 1: is kind of that hole in your heart for the
24:31
Speaker 1: rest of your life.
24:32
Speaker 2: Yeah, it was one of those things that came up
24:35
Speaker 2: in a chat with my writing coach where we were
24:38
Speaker 2: trying to decide on the title, and I just one
24:42
Speaker 2: of the chapters I wrote was always November, and it
24:46
Speaker 2: was kind of the chapter that we had decided that
24:48
Speaker 2: maybe this is the concluding chapter once we kind of
24:51
Speaker 2: read it and what it was doing. And the whole
24:53
Speaker 2: premise is, you know, every year, kind of mid October
24:57
Speaker 2: comes around and it's like, okay, like that anniversary of
25:00
Speaker 2: her murder is coming up, and there's a there's a
25:03
Speaker 2: solitude that we have. There's a sadness that comes over us,
25:07
Speaker 2: but also a gratitude all in the same time that
25:11
Speaker 2: we have that we it's really taught us how much
25:14
Speaker 2: we love and so and and loved her and still
25:18
Speaker 2: do that. Every November we go away for a few
25:22
Speaker 2: days and we spend some time together at the coast.
25:27
Speaker 2: We take our dog with us and we just kind
25:28
Speaker 2: of go out by the ocean and and such, just
25:31
Speaker 2: the kind of be present. We try to turn off
25:33
Speaker 2: the technology, like we'll watch movies or something, but we'll
25:36
Speaker 2: just kind of go visit and be. But every November again,
25:41
Speaker 2: you know, like similar to you at the time when
25:43
Speaker 2: you've lost your mother, there's always that time of year
25:45
Speaker 2: where it's like, hey, this is about when you know,
25:48
Speaker 2: I lost mom and I really miss her and I'm
25:50
Speaker 2: thinking about her. And and while you can be grateful
25:54
Speaker 2: and and appreciative and feel blessed of the times you
25:58
Speaker 2: did have, it's well there's also the part that you
26:01
Speaker 2: miss them, right, And so every November this happens. And
26:05
Speaker 2: so for us, we believe we were. And don't get
26:09
Speaker 2: me wrong, this has been a tough journey in my faith.
26:12
Speaker 2: My wife's a very strong Catholic and for me, I
26:14
Speaker 2: have a very different kind of worldview. But I think
26:19
Speaker 2: understanding that that faith and religion I had to learn
26:24
Speaker 2: faith and religion weren't the same. I used to think
26:26
Speaker 2: they were the same, And while they're correlated, they're also
26:28
Speaker 2: very different. Right. So it's one of those things to
26:32
Speaker 2: really understand your journey and be appreciative of the time
26:36
Speaker 2: that we have, because it's you know, nothing's guaranteed, right,
26:40
Speaker 2: So Lessons and Lost Love and Resilience is our lesson
26:44
Speaker 2: of our loss, how much we loved, and the resilience
26:46
Speaker 2: it has been to continue to move forward. So it
26:48
Speaker 2: was kind of a subtitle that just kind of fell
26:50
Speaker 2: in kind of very naturally.
26:54
Speaker 1: I love it, Eric, I mean, I know for some
26:56
Speaker 1: people that may be a hard correlation because that's the
27:01
Speaker 1: anniversary of the transition, so it's you know, some may
27:06
Speaker 1: not want to have that quote unquote memory attached, but
27:09
Speaker 1: I love the incorporation of it because you've turned it
27:14
Speaker 1: around to make it memorable, right, The lessons of the
27:18
Speaker 1: love that's still present, right, the loss that has occurred,
27:22
Speaker 1: and also this journey of faith, right, whether it's questioning
27:27
Speaker 1: or still just following it right. So I really appreciate
27:31
Speaker 1: you sharing that with us today, Eric, for our audience
27:34
Speaker 1: who's tuning in, I'm sure there's going to be other
27:36
Speaker 1: parents who want to connect with you who have experienced
27:40
Speaker 1: the transition of a child, or if they want you
27:44
Speaker 1: to come and speak and also get a copy of
27:46
Speaker 1: your book, how can our audience connect with you today?
27:49
Speaker 2: Well, real quick, one thing I will see is I
27:51
Speaker 2: love that you use the term transition because the one thing,
27:54
Speaker 2: and it'll talk a little bit about in the book
27:56
Speaker 2: is they're not here in body, but they are here spirit. Like,
28:00
Speaker 2: there's been too many things that have happened, too many
28:03
Speaker 2: signs that have happened that blew my mind that.
28:07
Speaker 1: I share one.
28:10
Speaker 2: So I reluctantly was put in touch with a medium
28:15
Speaker 2: and I was like, okay, I'm pretty skeptical of that stuff.
28:18
Speaker 2: And there is this bird that had kind of sat
28:20
Speaker 2: on our wire right by our bedroom door, and when
28:23
Speaker 2: I opened the blinds didn't move for like all day long,
28:25
Speaker 2: this one bluebird just sat there. So I ended up
28:28
Speaker 2: I ended up talking to this medium and she says,
28:30
Speaker 2: so I'm not evidential. I'm not this and I'm not that.
28:33
Speaker 2: And I said okay. And then she says at the end,
28:36
Speaker 2: she goes, Elena says, you're skeptical, and I said, yeah, yeah,
28:39
Speaker 2: I am, Like, I like, you're telling me stuff that
28:41
Speaker 2: maybe you saw on Facebook, I don't know. And she
28:44
Speaker 2: says she's telling me that there's a Manila envelope and
28:48
Speaker 2: I said okay. She says, but I keep asking her
28:51
Speaker 2: what's on the letter? And I said okay, And she says,
28:55
Speaker 2: does that make sense to you? And I said not
28:56
Speaker 2: at all. She goes, it's on a skinny table, like
28:59
Speaker 2: a hall table or like you know, like an end
29:01
Speaker 2: table or something. She goes, it's not a like, not
29:03
Speaker 2: a kitchen table, but it's something skinny. And I said okay.
29:06
Speaker 2: She goes, do that makes sense? And I go not
29:08
Speaker 2: at all. And that day I got home about three
29:11
Speaker 2: hours later, and there's a Manila envelope. And I'll share
29:14
Speaker 2: you the picture of Porsche so you can check it out.
29:17
Speaker 2: There's a Manila envelope sitting on this little hallway table
29:20
Speaker 2: that we have, and it had in it. It had
29:26
Speaker 2: five bracelets from Sergeant Round. He list the officer that
29:28
Speaker 2: lost his life in the shooting with Elena, but in
29:31
Speaker 2: the envelope had no note, no note of here's the
29:34
Speaker 2: because I had asked him to as a gift for
29:36
Speaker 2: some other people for a long story. And instead of hey,
29:39
Speaker 2: here's the bracelets you asked for anything, it was just
29:41
Speaker 2: five bracelets in an envelope. And the woman kept saying,
29:44
Speaker 2: what's on the letter, not what's in the envelope, And
29:46
Speaker 2: she said, Elena is just sitting here smiling at me sarcastically,
29:50
Speaker 2: like if I'm asking the like I don't know, like
29:52
Speaker 2: you know what I mean. And so that day I
29:54
Speaker 2: just looked and I go. When I spoke to my
29:56
Speaker 2: therapist after that, I go, what is happening? He goes, well,
29:59
Speaker 2: whether she communicating with Elena or reading your mind, even
30:02
Speaker 2: though that hadn't happened yet, she goes, it just proves
30:05
Speaker 2: there's a lot we don't know. So what so I
30:08
Speaker 2: learned in my life is everything before I had to
30:10
Speaker 2: sense it to know what was here. And so my
30:13
Speaker 2: struggle with God and faith and religion was if I
30:16
Speaker 2: couldn't touch field, taste or see it, didn't it was
30:19
Speaker 2: hard for me to wrap my head around it because
30:21
Speaker 2: it wasn't tangible, and now I look at it and
30:23
Speaker 2: go just because we can't sense it doesn't mean it
30:25
Speaker 2: doesn't exist. And so that was kind of my journey
30:28
Speaker 2: in that piece. So and lots of other signs that
30:31
Speaker 2: happened that that are in the book too. But to
30:33
Speaker 2: answer your question, Eric Housley dot com, it's a Rik
30:37
Speaker 2: Housley dot com and you can look it up Arik
30:41
Speaker 2: Howsley or always November on Amazon. We got a number
30:44
Speaker 2: one new release the first day out and then also
30:48
Speaker 2: bestseller in multiple categories. So we're really excited about that.
30:51
Speaker 2: Way more sales than I expected. I think as a
30:55
Speaker 2: man talking about grief, that's been a big thing for
30:57
Speaker 2: people because a lot of men, I'm surprised at how
30:59
Speaker 2: much have reached out to me and have shown appreciation
31:02
Speaker 2: that we're talking about it because it's real. So yeah,
31:06
Speaker 2: my Erichousley dot com, there's contact to get a hold
31:09
Speaker 2: of me for my speaking engagements or to come and
31:12
Speaker 2: do workshops or things. So yeah, I really appreciate the time, Porsche.
31:16
Speaker 2: It's been great, Eric.
31:17
Speaker 1: What an honor to have you and to share Alena's legacy.
31:22
Speaker 1: Keep going again, congrats on the Amazon accolades number one bestseller.
31:27
Speaker 1: That's what a lot of people aspire. So continue on
31:30
Speaker 1: this road to help other parents to keep Alana's memory
31:34
Speaker 1: alive and also to continue to help other people to
31:37
Speaker 1: work to integrate their grief. Well, everybody, that was mister
31:44
Speaker 1: Eric Houseley, Alena's father that you heard from. And that
31:47
Speaker 1: concludes another episode. A grow will Porsche everybody And until
31:51
Speaker 1: next time, peace and hair grease everyone.
32:03
Speaker 2: No more than one