Latest / Unbox Yourself: Coming Out Later in Life with Samantha Fox® / From Death to Rebirth: A Spiritual and Sexual Awakening at 50

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From Death to Rebirth: A Spiritual and Sexual Awakening at 50 · Unbox Yourself: Coming Out Later in Life with Samantha Fox®

• Samantha Fox: Hello and welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. I'm so excited to be here today with a very special guest named Kate. Welcome, Kate. Thank you for spending this time with me on Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who needs to hear it. Don't forget to like, subscribe, and leave a review. It helps more folks find these conversations. If you're ready to unbox from something that's keeping you stuck, I would love to support you. You can find the application to the show at unboxyoursexuality.com. Let's stay connected. Find me on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube at lesbiancuriositycoach. From day one, we are told who we should be, how to live, and what's acceptable. Before we even have a chance to discover ourselves, our society has already drawn those lines for us. But what happens when those lines are keeping us from knowing and embracing who we truly are? Welcome to Unbox Yourself with Samantha Fox, a podcast about unpacking and unlearning everything that's kept you from living as your true self. Through honest conversations about your internal emotional landscape, Cate: Hi Sam, I'm so happy to be here. Samantha Fox: I've been waiting a few years for this moment to happen and here we are. It is happening. Give me a follow and join the conversation. Remember, we only have this one time through. Why not unbox yourself and let your true self shine in all its beautiful glory? sexuality, coming out later in life, relationships, and the journey to self-acceptance, we break free from the boxes we never chose. so we came together about three years ago through my different programs and you are in such a different place today than you were then. We spoke a little bit about this before we hopped on today and I was sharing with Kate and I'm going to share with my listeners that a few days ago was having this realization that, you know, I'm a licensed therapist, but for all these years that I've been working with women, I've been calling myself a sexuality coach. And I that I am witnessing women go through these deep, periods of what feels kind like a death. and they are identities ⁓ they have been carrying, that have been placed on them, and they have also taken on and lived for decades of their life as coming into their sexuality, this starting to question piece also brings death of all of these other identities of being like the perfect woman and the good woman, right? So I'm holding the space for these women. And then at the same time, I'm also holding the space for this unbelievable rebirth that women are experiencing. in the last episode with Trish, we talked about after and a half years of her coming out, she feels gay all day. And that such a milestone and that is a rebirth and that is her really coming into herself. So I've decided doula was a much more appropriate name for what I do. I'm a sexuality doula because when you come out later in life, there is a death or many deaths and there also is a rebirth. And I know that you have been through that journey you're here today to share some of that with ⁓ audience. So Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: Share a little bit just about what resonates with that for you on your journey. Cate: Yeah, I love that idea of a doula as, you know, we shed old ⁓ and new selves. And not only can we go to doulas like you, you were absolutely a doula. You saw something in me that I was seeing in myself, but I needed it mirrored back to me. And you were like, yes, Kate, it's there. So like, I needed proof in some form and You were there to help birth it for me. invited into this space, a safe space to let what needed to emerge come out. Samantha Fox: Yeah, and so since then, because that was going back to 2023, right? to 2023 we first met. Yeah, so and now it's almost June of 2026. So what has transpired for you? Cate: Yes. goodness it is to someone that I to be and ⁓ to see true ⁓ of it in terms of you know the that we might learn about what it is to gay by what media shares with us by how it's portrayed on TV shows but then to actually it and be it and realize there's so much more than that. It's so much more than our identity or a box ⁓ or sexual It's this ⁓ much greater of self-acceptance, self-love, joy. So much and pride and praise. Samantha Fox: authenticity, right? Yeah. Yes. Cate: authenticity. Yeah. And yeah. Samantha Fox: So I know that that your journey has really taken you onto a spiritual path that also includes what came to you in terms of your work now. So tell us a little bit just about how that came to be and, what were you doing before? Like before you met me, where were you? Cate: So I was a stay at home mom for ⁓ to 18 years at the time, supported by my husband, just really dedicated to my I was doing photography as a parallel activity to kind of facilitate mothering. I that sounds strange, but a creative process can help really be supportive. know, a mother, ⁓ though I had friends and whatnot, it can be a lonely experience. ⁓ so photography gave me a way to connect with other moms ⁓ to be creative. And day I woke up feeling a lot different. I woke up like, what am I making images about? Now they're different. They aren't pictures of my kids out doing things. They were pictures of my kids but they weren't my kids and I didn't know what they were talking about or what they were trying to tell me I was turning the lens inward without really realizing it and used to joke that photography would save my life and it literally did because it me look myself in ways that I had never looked at myself before, know If you give someone a camera you can take a straight-on photo You can shoot up you can shoot down turn around what's behind you zoom in zoom out And so I practice that in my photography, I did that in my life How can I look at things differently and then how can I look at myself differently? And that was the catalyst that like sparked something in me that was like this voice suddenly came forward and in my mind it was like I am gay and I'm like what what so I just kind of shoved it down and that was like back in 2016 2017 and then slowly it just kept knocking and coming back time and time again but I thought I can't do this I'm married I have these two children ⁓ I have my own income this is impossible Samantha Fox: Hmm. Cate: And who am I to want something different than this? This is a beautiful life that I have, but I wasn't happy. ⁓ wasn't fully me. wasn't thriving. And so, that's where was when this started. And yeah, I had idea what I was gonna be when I grew up, what work I can do. The idea of getting a job scared me so much. Samantha Fox: Okay. Yes. Cate: and coming out to people was terrifying. I went to a therapist, I typed up a letter, I couldn't even read it, this was in 2022, let her read it and she's like just kind of diminished it, she downplayed it, well you should be careful who you tell this to and it'll just be the same because I'm like what? so that I in that office thinking today's the day my life ⁓ is to change. And it didn't. Samantha Fox: ⁓ gosh. mean, it's so interesting. I keep having these downloads and yesterday I had another one that was about therapists. This exact thing that you're talking And I had this download that was like, therapists are people. And even though there's some cultural competency training when you're a It's more about cultures. It's not about sexuality. And so, ⁓ I've been hearing from all of these women who have been talking about going into their therapist, I know what happened to me too, and just feeling like, okay, I'm gonna say this big thing. And then it just gets lost in, you in, well, let's look at your marriage. Are you happy in your marriage? Maybe you need to start doing couples counseling. I had one woman say her therapist was like, well, let's focus on how your neurodivergence is playing into this. told me it was a phase and that all women feel that way. So I just started thinking, I feel like I need to do like a training for where they unpack their own homophobia, which is keeping them even if they're straight, but it is keeping them from being to help people like you. ⁓ Cate: Yeah. So true, so needed. mean, yeah. Samantha Fox: So needed. Yeah, so I'm so sorry that that happened. And I hear this so often. So went to this therapist and she kind of, you know, didn't bring it up to a point where you could really look at it. Cate: Yeah, but I will say, you know, I think I've come to see that everything is forest for a reason. I walked out of there disappointed, but I also walked out of there like empowered. Like, no, is something small. This is not something I'm going to squash down. I'm going to find a new therapist. I'm not going accept this as an answer. you know, that ⁓ me as hard it was. Samantha Fox: Mmmmm ⁓ Cate: I could look it back at it and see as a setback in my journey, but I actually see it as a gift because it is like, no, I am gay and I'm proud to be gay and I'm going to find someone who will meet me there. Samantha Fox: I love that. Yeah, your authentic self was pushing through even then. Yeah. Cate: yeah. And I think, you know, as I started to trust there something other than this voice saying, I'm gay, there was a lot more, it wasn't just, you know, words, it was a feeling in my body. And I'm like, is this feeling? I don't understand. Like, I literally felt like turned but it wasn't like sexual. was like a zinging and humming in my womb space, my core that just, you know, was like, zing, you know, I to use that energy to support the challenges that were, you know, after another ⁓ and, you know, my relationship with my husband and the courage to keep going. ⁓ Samantha Fox: Yeah, mean, vibrations that we feel internally, right, can really guide us if we let them. And if we let ourselves be connected to that feeling inside. it's kind like a true awakening you can't really totally turn it off. Once it happens, you might try to shove it down. I know I did. I definitely had a couple of those where I just was at a place in my life where there was absolutely no chance of, of going there. And I did have to really shove it down, but you can't snuff it out, Cate: Yeah, it's a pretty, yeah, fire. It's a fire, you know. The other thing is, you know, I think when we are awakened ⁓ our authentic whether it's around being gay or not, or being spiritual or not, or being, you know, who's really meant to be an artist versus a doctor, whatever it is we're awakening to, I think it's, Samantha Fox: It's a fire. It's a fire. Yeah. Cate: It's so much bigger than any of those one things, but also it's a remembering we are, you know, taught as you said, to exist a certain way in the world and particularly as women and we desire it, ⁓ you to be a wife, to be a mother. And I'm all so to be a mother, but to live, to do this one path, right. And then to remember That's not what we're here for. That we're here ultimately, I truly believe, for love, self-acceptance, self-love. And I think coming out is probably, in this way, is a gift because I think that it's even easier with that than some of the other ways that people might have their awakening because it's... It's about sparkles and rainbows and unicorns and, you know, shared experience and community that, you know, help, Samantha Fox: so there's that. And then there's also the shedding and the loss and the loss the identities that we carried for so long that actually made us feel really valuable and worthy. And so it's like, I mean, it's interesting I watch women today are going through my Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: that are really coming into themselves and also on these spiritual journeys and really feeling empowered, like the power, the fire, I can feel that in them. And then suddenly they'll get hit by something that just takes them down into the grief. And then sometimes in that moment, they're kind of like, what did I do? What did I do? This is too much. I can't bear this pain. And maybe I made a mistake, really even going to maybe I made a mistake because it's so scary to have that death. It really is a death. It's like, there's so much grieving in it. So I'm curious for you, how did that show up? Was that when you described like fear, like you were terrified about getting a job, you were terrified about coming out. Cate: ⁓ for me, like two years ago you know, I'd come out to my kids. come out to my husband. know, I said marriage is no longer going to and I was turning 50 and it was a really tough time because it was my son's prom and I wanted to go and take pictures and he's like, mom, I don't want you to be there. And I was just like, this is it. He's going to hate me forever. and, and so responded to that. Okay. I didn't say, but I want to be there. I just said, ⁓ okay. And just let it be. But I mean inside I was so upset, know, so and and then the next day he was so loving it just that was as long as it lasted. It was just that one event and I just think he just wanted to have his experience without what was happening with our family there. It wasn't about me coming out. But remember that as kind Samantha Fox: ⁓ gross. Gross, yeah. Mmm. Yeah. Cate: you know, will my family still accept me? Will my children accept me? I think that was the greatest, scariest thing ⁓ to experience. then at the same time, as mother, I don't want to teach them to make decisions ⁓ based fear. And that it was my opportunity as a mother to step Samantha Fox: Hmm Cate: into my authenticity to model it for them to show them how to do it so that if when they have their awakening in whatever shape or form that I hope they have that experience because so ⁓ that they'll know how to do it that they'll know that they can say wow my mom went through this. Samantha Fox: Yeah. inside that's like such a painful moment, right? It's like a milestone, the prom to not be able to go there for the pictures is like, God, you know, so painful. And then to just be like, okay, you know, and hold space for him ⁓ to have what he needed in that moment. ⁓ And then ⁓ to that beautiful gift the next with him being loving. so like a really quick kind of a really quick turnaround in that way ⁓ you with a really quick lesson. Cate: I found that, you know, that's the quick way through some of these tough patches ⁓ be in that pain. sat in that pain and I, and I didn't make it about him at all. just, I just sat in my pain and pain alchemizes into power. If we let it, you know, ⁓ if allow that, chemistry to because the energy is going to be there. ⁓ just kind of takes different colors and forms kind of like an octopus you know. Samantha Fox: Yeah, yeah, I love that. so going forward, how has of this changed your life? who is Kate now? And who has Kate become? And how did that even happen? ⁓ Cate: Yeah, so it's funny guys around the time so before this all happened I would kind of consider myself an atheist. I'm now very spiritual. I'm know very sexual and those are combined with my spirituality. I just at the sky and how blue it is and I'm just like, whoa. Everything seems like I'm in rose-colored glasses. Generally, the way things look and experience of life, it's just very alive. I think people take drugs for this, but I can conjure it without them. But the pain be sharper, but the joy is sharper. I'm working now. I found my calling, which is end of life care. And I, you know, I actually, when I moved out, when I physically separated in 2024, I just gave myself some time. I said, you know, this is a big deal moving out of your house, the home you've been living in for like 18 years. So I really gave myself some downtime. to figure out what would be next, you know, just to be. And then I knew I wanted to end of life, Carob. I didn't know what that would look like, how to get there. I knew there was such a thing as a death doula. Samantha Fox: is that something that you had thought about prior? Cate: Well, so in the same time that I was working with you, it was a big year of loss in our family. We lost my mother-in-law. Three months later, my dad. And then three months after that, my father-in-law passed. And in there was also the marriage. So really four deaths. But when my mother-in-law was passing, I just felt such a called advocate for her. then I went back into my 20s I recall times that I had been present for my grandmothers when they were passing. And I was like, ⁓ my gosh, this is the work I'm meant to do. So I became a caregiver for the year and a half. then I did a doula course with a little Arthur and going with Grace. ⁓ then ⁓ also a hospice volunteer and I just became the hospice volunteer coordinator at our local hospice so a real job with real benefits. Samantha Fox: Wow. I'm so celebrating you. So amazing, Kate. And such meaningful work, really. Cate: Yeah, and I'm officially divorced now for five months. Samantha Fox: Okay, how's that feel? Cate: It feels good. mean, it's it feels, you know, fluid and, you know, like freedom. Samantha Fox: Yeah, yeah. So what now? Cate: I'm working ⁓ actually with a coach really shed my old patterns that, you know, carried me through the tough years, the last several years of my marriage and letting go those, you know, to not be encumbered by anymore. they were like security blankets, know, ways of thinking and choices, kinds of things. Samantha Fox: Mm hmm. So like patterns essentially like coping, like ways of coping. Cate: And just embrace full freedom and know that that freedom is so accessible, even days when we wake up sad or clouded or because those days still occur. Like there is still ⁓ some sadness the fact that all this change has happened. just, everything about my life has changed except for the fact that I have my two children. That's been the one. ⁓ constant to me, my name is changed, my house has changed twice, my work has changed. So just trying to settle into this new place because when you're on like this track of change, change, change, and then all of sudden it's like, it slows down. You're like, And just kind of be with it. Samantha Fox: Hmm? And so there could be ways of thinking about it that get in your way of feeling the freedom and celebrating everything that you have been through and where you've arrived. Yeah. Yeah. Cate: Yeah, definitely, definitely. Samantha Fox: So what important share about ⁓ what discovered about spirituality? Cate: Well, I think for me, spirituality is about energy. And I like even as I go out and try to meet new people, because I was living a pretty sheltered life, mostly at And so now I'm getting out, meeting more people I'm interacting with. a lot more different types of energy than I was used to how you can find these energetic that are just kind of mind And so and it necessarily have to be about what sex the person is, you know, it can be and it can be but there's this energetic interplay that, you know, now is what I'm seeking, ⁓ you know, it's in the I feel ⁓ like, if, for example, I considering ⁓ you know, spending time with someone it would be, How do I feel? How do I behave? Who am I when I'm with this person? Because I think, you know, we're kind of just these. screens, if you will, and life kind of flows through us. And there's going to be some stuff that weighs us down and makes us feel heavy and clouded. And then there's other things that come through in our life and energies that just light us up. And like a 10 out 10 kind of bell And so really excited to keep exploring that and to find new people to you know, connect with in that way. Samantha Fox: And in light of that discovery, and I think I really do know what you mean about that energy. mean, I'm very sensitive also to energy and how some people's energy just lights up all of your light centers, basically. Yeah. And so... Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: I'm curious, I mean, this is another topic that's really popular among women that are going through what you've already been through is kind of ⁓ a bit a struggle with their friends that they connected to over that period of where they were carrying these identities that were placed on them. And that now that they've gone through this huge transformation and rebirth, they're struggling with their friends who haven't gone through that, who are still functioning in those identities and they also don't to hear that much ⁓ about, you know, people that have moved forward because it's, I don't know, it's scary, it's threatening to everything that they've built and, you know, that they feel very proud of. Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: So wondering for you this awakening how energy sensitive are, how that has felt in terms of past people, yeah, and past relationships with people or just women carrying these ⁓ Cate: Yeah, I it's, I can think of one person who was super close friends me during COVID and would go out for these really long walks. And, know, we had such this emotional bond formed that really, you know, this was before I was, you know, coming out, but I just thought, wow, this is, this is so, it's a soft place to land, you know, to be with her. And I just, I think that affirmed my gayness so much and energetically, you know, just felt connected to her. But it wasn't something we ever, you know, kind of acknowledged in that way. But once I came out, it's like, it just kind of the friendship ended. ⁓ So, you know, where acquaintance is, like I see her, I'm always happy when I see her, but the closeness went away and she's choosing to stay in her life. And, I support her in that and not that there's anything wrong, but for us, we were sharing difficult marriages around the same time. And, you know, my path went one way and hers went the other and, perfectly beautiful in all ways, but. Um, you know, in terms of friends, I, know, honestly, I'm in a bit of a void right now. I have some beautiful friends, but I also have, you know, a hunger for more queer friends that are local. Um, you know, one, you put me in touch with Trish and we've had this amazing, tremendous friendship that has carried, she's been, you know, I would give her an Oscar for. supporting actress my journey. She's just, couldn't have it without her. ⁓ Samantha Fox: It's Kate's journey. Yeah. It's so interesting. just have to say as a side note that was the very first woman that ⁓ worked with ⁓ as sexuality doula. The very And how interesting that she is the one that everybody wants some of Trish, ⁓ like everybody wants to speak to You know, ⁓ I mean, what an human. ⁓ Cate: 100%. Samantha Fox: What an outstanding person, really. Yeah. So I'm so glad about that. I'm so glad that you have her. Yeah. And so outside of that, feels a little bit where you are in terms of community, queer community. Is it just very, are you in a rural area? No. Cate: Yeah. Yeah. No, you know, thankfully in Maine where I live, it's very gay friendly and there's actually next month there's 30 Pride festivals around the state. And so I'm going to try to get to, you ⁓ more than a few of them. There's one in my town and there's one in Portland and you know, they're all over and I'm going to just go and try to be, you know, be there. Samantha Fox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I wonder, I mean, are there not meetups? Like, it's interesting. Maine is definitely a gay state. So wondering what makes it so hard to find people. Cate: I'm not sure. mean, we're spending more and more time online. And then I was working in my caregiving role, like on weekends for like seven months. And so that limited my ability for meetups. It's like work and then, you know, so I pick one. Samantha Fox: Yeah, I mean, I relate to that also, Kate. mean, when I came out, I was 32, and it took me until very recently to have community. So took me 25 years. mean, that's a really long time. But life and career and raising kids, that all came first. So yeah. Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: I am just so amazed at where you are. And I'm so excited for your journey. if you imagine somebody listening in and they are where you were when you went to the therapist the first time and she, you know, kind of ignored. what was happening. Like ⁓ would you want to say to that woman? Yeah, where you are today. ⁓ Cate: Yeah, yeah, I mean, I would say to her, wow, this is so big and exciting. This is amazing. Tell me more about how you're feeling. How's it feel in your body? What have you been dreaming? Do you feel like a teenager? I feel like a teenager again, my palms sweating. And also to say, You this is, you you found the key to like truly love yourself. And I said this to church once that, wait a minute, we are women. Like we are women loving women. That means we can love ourselves even more because, you know, and just like that realization, you know, that we look a certain way to please others, but to be beautiful just for me because I'm a woman I can love ⁓ a gay woman. ⁓ Samantha Fox: Yes, I love that. you know, and also for those that are listening in, it also can feel really hard to love yourself. And not because you're not ⁓ so It's because of what you've learned and that you've learned that there are certain things that are going to make you valuable, worthy and lovable. and that you have to follow those or you're going to lose, you know, that status. yeah, when you come into yourself in this way, authentically, you show up yourself and love yourself first. And after that, is possible. ⁓ But if you're life, just looking to the outside world, Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: to validate you and to love you. you need that in order to feel valuable and okay. you're gonna be working so hard your whole life to be just okay. When if you learn to let go of all of this and love yourself. you're always okay and you don't have to do all of that work. And that's when you get to explore this whole inner world that you're talking about, Kate, that you've been able to come into this whole inner spiritual world and really getting in touch with who you authentically. ⁓ Cate: Yeah, and you know, we are told well if you follow your authentic path, you know the path the universe will support you But actually think yes Definitely that is true. But I also think that when we make that leap to come out We catch ourselves We are the soft space to land. We are ones that get us through this. I mean Samantha Fox: Yes. Cate: Like that day that I went to my therapist and she it and just it and I walked away empowered. was holding myself that day. And I literally dreamed during that time in my life of falling off a cliff and ⁓ that feeling falling and it's like ⁓ it will you up. then I this immense love holding me. And then it amazing. And I was just like, something happened ⁓ in dream. I took lesson out and applied it in the steps that I was taking to feel the courage and... Samantha Fox: Yeah. Cate: ability to do what I had to do because new therapist said if I'd stayed in that marriage, I would have died. Like I was self abandoning the level that I couldn't even recognize myself anymore. Samantha Fox: Yeah, I mean, I had the same my marriage, very short marriage, which was only seven and a half years we were together for 10 years. But I mean, I felt like I was dead. And even friends would say to me, where's Sam Fox? You know? And it wasn't even because I was gay before. I mean, I think I was always gay, but my energy, like the my energy presented ⁓ once I got into that marriage, just got dark. And it just, the flame just went so low. And people saw it. Cate: Yeah. Samantha Fox: and I it too. if you just allow yourself be there for yourself know that that is possible, you can get yourself back. you don't have to live your whole life like that. Cate: Yeah, I mean, the void is where the most magical creative things come out of. But I stopped crying. ⁓ I mean, my weren't sweating. I wasn't crying. I didn't know how to dance anymore. I grew up dancing and would always do happy dances and I, that all shut down. ⁓ And then my started to have like physical ailments. ⁓ Samantha Fox: Hmm? Cate: I mean, it was like shaking me. This truth was like, come ⁓ Like we are going to make you feel horrible until you come of it. like, yeah, I when I finally got my dancing back, was at the first pride festival I went to and we were standing around, standing around. I was going to go in a parade with my friend and her daughter. ⁓ And was a cute little town in Maine and beautiful day. And we finally are given, okay, it's time to go into the parade and they turn the music on. And it was like, it just fell from the sky into me. My dancing came back to me again. And I was just like, so, you know, like literally the best day of my life. that aliveness again that I hadn't felt in so long. Samantha Fox: Yeah, dancing is in how it makes you, like when it happens like that, like when the music happens and it just goes through you, it's so embodied. Like feel so in your body and it's so healing. Yeah. Cate: Yeah. And even, you know, as I was going through my sexual and spiritual awakening, I was doing kind of dancing and I felt like this energy coming up from the earth and I'm like, what is that? You know, it's like a very shaman thing. I started to have these memories of what that no one taught me this that you can pull energy up to the earth with your feet and journey ⁓ go to these imaginary places. But I don't see them so much as imaginary is just the spiritual realm, you know, and we go there in our dreams, but We can do it in meditation or dancing, our bodies and breathing. Samantha Fox: Yeah. Yeah. love that. Cate: I mean, they say meditation is, you know, a bridge to the spiritual world, but I would actually say it's breath work more so I'm really experimenting with how different types of breathing can help clear the energy from my body that's slowing me down, weighing me down. Samantha Fox: Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's amazing that we have all these things right within our beings. Cate: Exactly. We have all the medicine we need right here in our bodies. I think breath and movement are the top ways that we can really, well, and water can help ourselves feel better. Samantha Fox: Yes. beautiful. Cate: Yeah, and the gay community is, you know, all the queer community is all about, you know, celebrating movement expression ⁓ in all different forms, whether it be in writing or art or movement. Samantha Fox: So good. So, so good. Cate: So I think, you know, when we're coming out, we're stepping into our radiant visibility and getting comfortable with that, you know, especially as women, we're told we don't have a voice, we don't have a story that, you know, should be shared. Our life is in support of other people's stories. Samantha Fox: Mm-hmm. Cate: But kind pressed the envelope on that with a story I wrote about coming out to my dad. It wasn't long after that, around that time in birthday two years ago when I was feeling so much pain, but I got a message. from the editor, the modern love editor in New York Times, I had written a tiny love story about coming out to my dad. And he was in the hospital. We knew he was going to likely pass the next day. his lungs were failing, his heart was failing, and he was on full oxygen, like the maximum high flow oxygen. And it was June and on the computer screen that kept flashing a pride flag. I thought, do I tell them or do I not tell them? I just didn't want to, you know, I'd seen them a few trips before, ⁓ I didn't want to add his stress about in the way he was feeling. And I was scared. I had a very close relationship with my dad. And I didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that for eternity. And so he's there in the hospital ⁓ and pride flag flashing and he decided he wanted different for dinner than what they had brought him if he actually had an appetite. And so my sister and his partner left and I thought this is my moment to tell him. so did. And he so warm. said, you I was really afraid to tell you this. And actually I told him by saying, you know, you were wondering about that boot camp I was doing. And he's like, and working with a coach and he was like, yes. And he just kind of went like this to care. And then I said, well, It was a coming up bootcamp. he's like, like lesbian? I was like, yes. And I I really anxious about telling you. And he said, I'm glad you did. And I put my his hand was right here. And so I put my hand on his, and then he put his other hand over his heart on top of mine. ⁓ And ⁓ you know, said, heart is always with you. Samantha Fox: Hmm. Hmm. Cate: And I'm so glad I did tell him. And then the next day he was lucid a little bit. I said, please send me rainbows. And did. Like there, like a few days later, there were so many rainbows all over Maine and friends were sending me pictures and they didn't even know why they're sending me these pictures of all these rainbows, but they did. ⁓ And I ended up writing a tiny love story just to kind of, because I was working on his actual obituary, you know, actual obituaries are all about, you know, work and family and degrees and stuff like that. And I wanted to, I want a more heartfelt obit. And so I just played with the idea of a tiny love story. And then someone convinced me to send it in. I thought, my gosh, the whole world will know. ⁓ mean, New York Times has a huge, but was like, but it's tiny and it's, ⁓ you embedded in the style section. Like how many people will actually see it? You know, but so I got heard and she's like, we want to publish it. And. ⁓ I was just like, okay. And so it was a real test for my children to come into the kitchen and it was in the print edition and there it was on the counter and they're looking at it they're like, you came out in the New York Times. I'm like, yeah. And they're like, that is so weird. they still loved and supported, you know, it's so big. Samantha Fox: yes, I remember, I think that might've been like you were in the sapphic circle, because I remember you sharing it with the community and it was so beautiful. Cate: I know I messaged you, was like, wait, just happened? Should I do this, Sam? What do you think? I'm like, well, yeah, because I don't, and I said that same thing, I don't want fear to be what I'm using to base my decision upon. Samantha Fox: Yeah. Yes, I remember. Cate: Yeah, so thank you for being there in that moment. I was so glad that I happened to be in that group and I could synchronously send a message get that answer, which was inside me. I knew I had to do it. Samantha Fox: Yeah Yes, but the fear can be so big, right? Yeah. Wow, what a journey. Cate: Mm. Yeah. Samantha Fox: So amazing. Cate: It is, mean, the talk about grieving as you, you know, have your rebirth is, you know, sometimes you might experience a situation like that where, you know, I, I can't fully have, you know, an embodied in-person relationship with my dad now is, you know, this full-on queer woman, but, you know, I just think of his presence and, know. his support and know that he's looking down smiling. Samantha Fox: Yes, he's definitely with you. I'm sure he's very proud too. Cate: Yeah, yeah, I hope so. Samantha Fox: I'm sure he is. So how gay do you today? Cate: I feel really ⁓ Samantha Fox: Yay! I love that. I love that. Cate: Yeah. I feel, know, this is actually, it's my birthday and this is first day I've woken up and have house all to myself and my entire life. Samantha Fox: And you're here recording with me. What a gift. Cate: Yeah, and it's just me today. I mean, I will hopefully see the kids later, but I can celebrate today just being in my freedom and being my gayness. And don't need anyone's validation. know, can just celebrate from within. Samantha Fox: Yes. So good. Well, I'm wishing you a very beautiful celebration with yourself today in your own home with your very gay identity, with many other identities that you also have and love and cherish. Thanks so much for coming on and sharing with everybody. It was so good to catch up with you and really just so incredibly moved by your journey. ⁓ and how you have navigated this and just come into this really beautiful realm that is carrying you through and really supporting you. Cate: Yes, and thank you for being very ⁓ mother too throughout all those hard times. You were so supportive and I'm so happy I found you. Samantha Fox: I'm so happy too. Thanks much, Kate. Have the most beautiful day. ⁓ Cate: I do.