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Boundaries CTF School of Ministry #7 · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

0:19
SPEAKER_00: Hello, welcome to the School of Ministry.
0:22
SPEAKER_00: Our last day here with Chip Judd.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: We want to welcome you guys from Norway that are watching today.
0:28
SPEAKER_00: I hope you're enjoying this this week.
0:32
SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
0:36
SPEAKER_01: Thanks, Chip.
0:38
SPEAKER_01: Alright.
0:39
SPEAKER_01: Good morning, everybody.
0:40
SPEAKER_01: And want to say hello to everybody in Norway.
0:43
SPEAKER_01: Hey.
0:45
SPEAKER_01: Alright.
0:50
SPEAKER_01: Alright.
0:51
SPEAKER_01: Well, we're going to jump into this teaching on boundaries and uh try to get through all the stuff we're supposed to get through for today.
0:59
SPEAKER_01: We'll deal with some questions in just a little while, so we won't do that right now.
1:03
SPEAKER_01: If you would open your Bible to Genesis chapter 3.
1:06
SPEAKER_01: Genesis chapter 3.
1:08
SPEAKER_01: And we're going to pick up, for those of you that are here and have the notes in front of you, we're going to pick up, I think it should say something like how our boundaries developed, maybe?
1:19
SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
1:20
SPEAKER_01: Alright, so we're going to talk about that.
1:22
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, we're going to have to hurry a little bit because we got a lot of stuff to cover.
1:27
SPEAKER_01: But we'll be okay, I think.
1:31
SPEAKER_01: Genesis chapter 3, where all this trouble started.
1:36
SPEAKER_01: And let me see if I can get there myself.
1:40
SPEAKER_01: Oh, I thought I had a bookmarked, but I don't.
1:47
SPEAKER_01: What I want to do is look at, I mean, if you haven't ever, you really need to kind of spend some time in Genesis 3 and just kind of watch the flow of things.
1:57
SPEAKER_01: You know, verse 1, now the serpent was more cunning.
2:00
SPEAKER_01: In uh, if you ever take a course on uh just how to study the Bible, how to prepare messages, and that kind of thing, they'll teach you little laws or principles of biblical interpretation.
2:13
SPEAKER_01: And one law or principle is what they call the law of first mention.
2:18
SPEAKER_01: And that means that the first time anyone or anything is mentioned in the Bible, it's frequently an important indication of that person or thing's role or purpose kind of.
2:31
SPEAKER_01: And it's interesting that the first time we see the enemy, the serpent, we get an indication of what his role is.
2:39
SPEAKER_01: And we talked about this yesterday.
2:41
SPEAKER_01: Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made.
2:46
SPEAKER_01: And he said to the woman, has God indeed said, Shall you not eat, or you shall not eat of any tree of the garden?
2:54
SPEAKER_01: Now, in the context of our teaching, this is kind of my sense of creation.
2:59
SPEAKER_01: God created all this, I mean, the universe and everything, and people and fish, and dogs, and cats, and birds, and everything there is.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: And he basically said, I want you guys to have a blast, enjoy it.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: But then, for me, it's kind of like he took one tree and he drew a circle around it.
3:18
SPEAKER_01: And he said, You can enjoy everything there is, but don't mess with this one tree.
3:24
SPEAKER_01: It's like in all the creation, God set one boundary.
3:30
SPEAKER_01: Now, what's interesting is when the enemy shows up, what's the first thing he does?
3:37
SPEAKER_01: He challenges a boundary.
3:39
SPEAKER_01: So you got to think, you don't have to, but I think this way.
3:43
SPEAKER_01: That means by nature, the enemy is a boundary violator.
3:49
SPEAKER_01: That's just his nature.
3:50
SPEAKER_01: He's just a boundary violator.
3:52
SPEAKER_01: And what he wants to do is he wants to get us all caught up in boundary violating.
3:58
SPEAKER_01: So the bottom line is, you know, we're not going to read the whole chapter, but I really would encourage you to prayerfully just kind of read through Genesis 3 sometime, either while you're up here in the school or later, and just kind of, there's just lots of cool little nuggets God can give you out of that chapter.
4:16
SPEAKER_01: But we'll pick up down around verse 9.
4:19
SPEAKER_01: You know, well, verse 8, they heard the sound of the Lord walking in the garden the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden.
4:30
SPEAKER_01: So the first response of man after the fall is to begin hiding.
4:34
SPEAKER_01: And we've been talking about it all week that one of our issues is the next verse, uh, or verse 9 says, the Lord God called Adam and said, Where are you?
4:43
SPEAKER_01: Verse 10, he said, I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: Lots of different ways you can say it, but one of my passions, burdens, whatever you want to call it, is to help people come out of hiding.
5:00
SPEAKER_01: To help you learn to just gloriously unveil the awesome person that God created you to be.
5:08
SPEAKER_01: And the reality of it is, most of us are kind of held in check by fears, shame, and all kinds of different things.
5:17
SPEAKER_01: So we're not going to stay there.
5:20
SPEAKER_01: I want you to go on for just a minute.
5:22
SPEAKER_01: So he, God said, Who told you that?
5:25
SPEAKER_01: We talked a little bit yesterday about words and learning to challenge words.
5:29
SPEAKER_01: So who told you that you were naked?
5:31
SPEAKER_01: Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded that you should not eat?
5:36
SPEAKER_01: Then the man said, The woman who you gave to be with me.
5:41
SPEAKER_01: Now what just happened?
5:44
SPEAKER_01: God said to them, Enjoy creation, have a blast, but don't mess with this one tree.
5:50
SPEAKER_01: They mess up, he comes and confronts them, and he says to Adam, Dude, what did you do?
5:56
SPEAKER_01: What is the first thing Adam does?
6:00
SPEAKER_01: He said, It's that woman you gave me, man.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: What did he just do?
6:04
SPEAKER_01: What did he give away?
6:06
unknown: Responsibility.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: Responsibility.
6:08
SPEAKER_01: Now remember the Trinity of Triumph, the law of stewardship?
6:12
SPEAKER_01: What always runs together?
6:14
SPEAKER_01: Responsibility, authority, and power.
6:18
SPEAKER_01: Whether he knew it or not, guess what he was giving away?
6:22
SPEAKER_01: The authority and power to be in a sense now, not above God, but to be a master of his own soul, his own journey.
6:31
SPEAKER_01: When you give away responsibility, whether you mean to or not, you give away the authority and power that is yours.
6:41
SPEAKER_01: So here's Adam.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: Dude, you messed up.
6:44
SPEAKER_01: No, man, it's the woman you gave me.
6:46
SPEAKER_01: Well, let's read a little bit further.
6:50
SPEAKER_01: The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate.
6:54
SPEAKER_01: So the Lord turns to the woman.
6:57
SPEAKER_01: What is this you have done?
6:58
SPEAKER_01: What does she do?
7:01
SPEAKER_01: The devil made me do it.
7:03
SPEAKER_01: What did she just do?
7:05
SPEAKER_01: She just passed off responsibility.
7:10
SPEAKER_01: What went with it?
7:11
SPEAKER_01: Authority and power.
7:14
SPEAKER_01: So the Lord God says to the serpent, because you have done this, you're cursed more than all cattle and all that other stuff.
7:21
SPEAKER_01: But here's the thing I want you to get as we revisit and go back to this whole boundary teaching.
7:27
SPEAKER_01: Boundaries are about responsibility.
7:30
SPEAKER_01: And the thing that I'm like a crusader for is to try to get you to take responsibility for everything going on inside your circle.
7:41
SPEAKER_01: When you're not feeling the way you want to feel, who's doing that to you?
7:48
SPEAKER_01: You are.
7:50
SPEAKER_01: You are.
7:51
SPEAKER_01: Say I am.
7:53
SPEAKER_01: Now, I do not mean, I don't know if I've said this little disclaimer yet, I don't mean the three to ten percent of the events of life that roll over us like a steamroller, loss of a loved one, somebody sticks a gun in your ribs and robs you.
8:08
SPEAKER_01: Those are moments, moments when you're truly a victim.
8:13
SPEAKER_01: But victimhood is situational, meaning it happens and it's over.
8:21
SPEAKER_01: You are not, by essence and nature, a victim.
8:26
SPEAKER_01: So bad things happen, and in the moment the bad thing is happening, you or I might be a victim.
8:34
SPEAKER_01: But if you take a victim mindset, you look at everything that happens to you as if you are a victim.
8:41
SPEAKER_01: A friend doesn't respond to you the way you would like them to.
8:44
SPEAKER_01: You feel bad, you blame them for you feeling bad.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: And the reality of it is they didn't make you feel bad.
8:52
SPEAKER_01: You made you feel bad because of the way you processed what happened and the way you talked to yourself.
8:59
SPEAKER_01: Now, a real important thought in this whole area of responsibility is, in a word, I believe God created us because he wanted someone to pour his love into, who would then, after being poured into, we love him because he first loved us.
9:19
SPEAKER_01: So who loves who first?
9:22
SPEAKER_01: We love him because he first loved us.
9:26
SPEAKER_01: So when you wake up in the morning, what's the first thing you should learn to do?
9:33
SPEAKER_01: Worship him, intercede, pray for the lost?
9:37
SPEAKER_01: What's the first thing you should do?
9:38
SPEAKER_01: We love him because he first loved us.
9:42
SPEAKER_01: What's the first thing you should do?
9:44
SPEAKER_01: Let him love you for a little bit.
9:47
SPEAKER_01: Let him love you for a little bit.
9:49
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, but we're supposed to pray for the lost.
9:51
SPEAKER_01: Let him love you for a little bit.
9:54
SPEAKER_01: One time I was kind of getting a hold of some of this, and I was like thinking about whatever, and I was journaling, and God said, Chipper, I want you to learn to start your day by stopping.
10:07
SPEAKER_01: What?
10:08
SPEAKER_01: I want you to start your day by stopping.
10:12
SPEAKER_01: Stopping what?
10:14
SPEAKER_01: Everything you do to impress me, fulfill your destiny, change the world, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
10:21
SPEAKER_01: I want you to learn to start your day by stopping and just let me love you.
10:29
SPEAKER_01: It's an amazingly simple thing.
10:32
SPEAKER_01: But it's so hard to get people to do that.
10:35
SPEAKER_01: I had a delightful moment with God over there on the couch this morning because I've just learned to just start my day by letting God love me.
10:46
SPEAKER_01: And I just had this wonderful moment over there with God just loving me.
10:51
SPEAKER_01: Now, then you get up full, or at least whatever level of fullness you're getting used to, and you go out and attack your day.
11:01
SPEAKER_01: But the point I'm trying to make right now is God created us for love.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: Now you gotta understand something, at least this is this is the chip judd way of thinking.
11:09
SPEAKER_01: God had a really kind of weird challenge that, unless you get your mind in this abstract realm, doesn't make sense.
11:15
SPEAKER_01: You gotta imagine God the Trinity, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, and they're just full of love, and they got all this love they want to give away.
11:24
SPEAKER_01: So they're thinking, hmm, how can we do this?
11:28
SPEAKER_01: How can we create a creature just a shade off of ourselves, created in our image and likeness, but we want it to be love.
11:39
SPEAKER_01: Guess what?
11:40
SPEAKER_01: For it to be love, can it be forced?
11:44
SPEAKER_01: If it's forced, is it love?
11:46
SPEAKER_01: If you have to love God, is that love?
11:49
SPEAKER_01: So think of God's challenge.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
11:52
SPEAKER_01: I want to create a creature with whom I can share love.
12:00
SPEAKER_01: It can't be forced.
12:02
SPEAKER_01: So what does that mean?
12:03
SPEAKER_01: What did he have to give us?
12:06
SPEAKER_01: A really scary word.
12:11
SPEAKER_01: He had to give us freedom.
12:15
SPEAKER_01: He had to give us the freedom to what?
12:19
SPEAKER_01: Not love him.
12:21
SPEAKER_01: Because if you can't not love him, then you can't love him.
12:27
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
12:28
SPEAKER_01: If you're a robot, is that really love?
12:31
SPEAKER_01: If I have a screw and I program your brain to love me, are you really loving me?
12:36
SPEAKER_01: I'm just controlling you.
12:39
SPEAKER_01: So for God to create a creature that he could experience love with, there had to be freedom.
12:44
SPEAKER_01: Well, here's the interesting thing.
12:46
SPEAKER_01: For there to be freedom, you have to have a choice.
12:51
SPEAKER_01: If you don't have choices, it isn't freedom.
12:56
SPEAKER_01: What if I lined up ten black cars and I said, you can have a car of any color you want?
13:03
SPEAKER_01: Just pick from the black.
13:05
SPEAKER_01: Do you really have a choice?
13:09
SPEAKER_01: Here's ten black cars.
13:11
SPEAKER_01: Pick your favorite color.
13:13
SPEAKER_01: Did I really give you freedom?
13:16
SPEAKER_01: That's absurd.
13:17
SPEAKER_01: So the only way you can be free to love God is if you have a choice.
13:23
SPEAKER_01: Now here's where it gets interesting.
13:32
SPEAKER_01: The presence of Satan is what makes choice possible.
13:39
SPEAKER_01: I used to ponder, God, why did you do this, dude?
13:43
SPEAKER_01: Why did you make such a messed up place?
13:46
SPEAKER_01: How many of you think this place is pretty messed up?
13:49
SPEAKER_01: This world is pretty messed up.
13:52
SPEAKER_01: 1 John 5.19 says the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.
13:58
SPEAKER_01: Now, to whatever degree it does, we gave it to him.
14:01
SPEAKER_01: But the point is this Satan does serve a purpose.
14:05
SPEAKER_01: What's his purpose?
14:06
SPEAKER_01: He gives you a choice.
14:09
SPEAKER_01: Because if all I do is line up black cars and say, pick your favorite color, I've not given you a choice.
14:16
SPEAKER_01: So here's the weird thing.
14:18
SPEAKER_01: God put us in a situation where there is a pull toward him, but we're also in a situation where there's a pull away from him.
14:30
SPEAKER_01: How many of you agree with that?
14:32
SPEAKER_01: And guess what we get to do?
14:36
SPEAKER_01: Choose.
14:37
SPEAKER_01: How often do we get to choose?
14:39
SPEAKER_01: About every minute and a half.
14:42
SPEAKER_01: About every minute and a half we get to choose.
14:46
SPEAKER_01: Are we going to follow God, go after God?
14:50
SPEAKER_01: Or are we going to follow ourselves?
14:54
SPEAKER_01: So this whole idea of boundaries is about this whole idea of responsibility and the idea that you and I have this awesome privilege of learning to walk in this cool life that God's given us, but then learning to draw others into it and kind of permeate the earth with a bunch of people that are learning to live differently.
15:18
SPEAKER_01: Alright, let me see what we have up here.
15:20
SPEAKER_01: Somebody back there?
15:23
SPEAKER_01: Alright, back up.
15:25
SPEAKER_01: Back up to back up another one.
15:29
SPEAKER_01: I didn't know what we had.
15:31
SPEAKER_01: Just leave it right there for a minute.
15:32
SPEAKER_01: Alright, let me just fill in some blanks.
15:33
SPEAKER_01: These aren't up here, apparently.
15:36
SPEAKER_01: How our boundaries develop, first statement, the most devastating effects of the fall were relational.
15:44
SPEAKER_01: This is not going to be up on the wall there.
15:46
SPEAKER_01: We're relational.
15:47
SPEAKER_01: Next statement.
15:48
SPEAKER_01: Our ability to have healthy relationships with God's self and others was damaged.
15:55
SPEAKER_01: The next blank is, and let tell me if I need to repeat anything, the next blank is early life experiences.
16:04
SPEAKER_01: Early life experiences are the key to our relationship skills and patterns.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: Boundaries are not inherited, they are learned.
16:16
SPEAKER_01: Learned.
16:19
SPEAKER_01: Where do we develop our boundaries?
16:23
SPEAKER_01: In our families, in childhood.
16:45
SPEAKER_01: But what about a statement like this?
16:49
SPEAKER_01: Little Sally walks out of the room at eight years old and she's got on this brown dress and red socks and blue shoes.
17:02
SPEAKER_01: And one of the parents says, You don't really want to wear that, do you?
17:09
SPEAKER_01: Now, my thing is, if she put it on, she probably wants to wear it.
17:15
SPEAKER_01: So what just happened?
17:17
SPEAKER_01: Instead of saying something direct, like, darling, those shoes or whatever don't match, whatever, there's this sort of manipulative, you don't really want to wear that.
17:33
SPEAKER_01: Now, like I said, my opinion is when a kid puts something on, she probably put it on because she wanted to wear it.
17:39
SPEAKER_01: Now that may sound like ridiculous, but I'm trying to give you a non-painful example of the subtle ways we begin to manage what's going on in someone else's circle.
17:52
SPEAKER_01: Now, does a parent have a right to tell a seven-year-old child what to wear?
17:57
SPEAKER_01: Definitely.
17:59
SPEAKER_01: But how you do that either honors boundaries or dishonors boundaries and dishonors the way that person feels about themselves.
18:10
SPEAKER_01: All right, now go to that next slide, if you would, please, sir.
18:15
SPEAKER_01: Somebody back there.
19:02
SPEAKER_01: Back up, please.
19:04
SPEAKER_01: Um there we go.
19:06
SPEAKER_01: All right, if you look at this next section here, two key relationship skills.
19:11
SPEAKER_01: If you look in your notes, bonding and separating, bonding is the ability to establish a deep emotional attachment to another person.
19:21
SPEAKER_01: Bonding is what you're learning here at Catch the Fire.
19:27
SPEAKER_01: You're learning how to connect with God, how to connect deeply with yourself, and how to create safe ways to connect with other people.
19:36
SPEAKER_01: And you've got to learn how to bond.
19:38
SPEAKER_01: The interesting thing is they've done studies, and who do you think is the main parental figure that creates the bonding experience?
19:50
SPEAKER_01: It's actually mom, and it happens, anybody want to guess what age is, what span is critical?
19:59
SPEAKER_01: I hear some of you, but I can't understand it.
20:01
SPEAKER_01: What are you thinking?
20:03
SPEAKER_01: Zero to three.
20:05
SPEAKER_01: Zero to three is the critical period for bonding.
20:12
SPEAKER_01: If someone doesn't bond properly in those first months of life, what can happen is this thing we call attachment disorders.
20:24
SPEAKER_01: And what that means is your heart's ability to feel safely connected to another person doesn't form very well.
20:34
SPEAKER_01: And then later in life, your bucket that holds emotional contentment and peace has holes in it.
20:44
SPEAKER_01: So later in life, when you try to feel satisfied in relationships, you just never quite get there.
20:53
SPEAKER_01: And so you have to continually be refilled when you feel lonely and scared.
21:02
SPEAKER_01: So two key relationship skills when you think about boundaries.
21:05
SPEAKER_01: One is bonding, the other is separating.
21:07
SPEAKER_01: If you look in your notes, separating is when you define and defend your boundaries and you become a unique, one-of-a-kind, responsible person.
21:15
SPEAKER_01: I don't think most of these blanks are going to be up here, so we'll just walk through them.
21:20
SPEAKER_01: Bonding, the next one where it says bonding is the foundation for boundary building.
21:26
SPEAKER_01: Bonding is the foundation for boundary building.
21:32
SPEAKER_01: You can't develop or set boundaries without supported.
21:38
SPEAKER_01: Um this is my wife texting me.
21:42
SPEAKER_01: Would love to see my baby on TV, but have a few things I need to get done.
21:48
SPEAKER_01: I told Kathy she might try to check us out on TV this morning, but she's out and about.
21:53
SPEAKER_01: She doesn't care about me.
21:54
SPEAKER_01: No, I'm kidding.
21:56
SPEAKER_01: I'm kidding.
21:57
SPEAKER_01: I'll be home today, baby.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: All right.
22:02
SPEAKER_01: Next statement there.
22:03
SPEAKER_01: Your first and deepest need is to have a home and to be consistently loved and nurtured.
22:11
SPEAKER_01: Your most fundamental basic need is to just have a place inside of you where you feel at home and you feel loved and nurtured.
22:22
SPEAKER_01: Who should you learn to look to first and most for that feeling?
22:27
SPEAKER_01: Now think about that for a moment.
22:28
SPEAKER_01: Who should you learn to look to first and most to get that feeling of home and that feeling of loved and nurtured?
22:38
SPEAKER_01: Now, who you do look to as a child is your parent.
22:41
SPEAKER_01: But here you are sitting here now, who do you need to learn to look to?
22:47
SPEAKER_01: God.
22:48
SPEAKER_01: Now here's the thing.
22:50
SPEAKER_01: And I don't know if parents would be objective to or would object to my saying this.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: I hope not.
22:55
SPEAKER_01: But I'm saying to you, you need to shift that focus from your parents to God.
23:03
SPEAKER_01: So when you feel the need to feel confident, when you feel the need to feel assured, encouraged, like you're special, who should you try to learn to turn toward?
23:17
SPEAKER_01: And you guys learning your journaling, you can turn to God.
23:20
SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're feeling a little shaky in that area, and you can turn to God, you can ask him, God, am I special to you?
23:27
SPEAKER_01: How many of you think he'll probably have something to say?
23:30
SPEAKER_01: And every time you write that down in your journal, that voice gets a little stronger in your soul.
23:36
SPEAKER_01: Every time you process that through journaling or thinking or praying, it gets a little bit stronger in you.
23:42
SPEAKER_01: And eventually that voice gets really strong and easily accessible.
23:51
SPEAKER_01: Eventually you can get to the point where, as soon as you feel the slightest little bit of insecurity, you can turn to God and hear Him comfort you, reassure you, and minister to you.
24:04
SPEAKER_01: Alright, if you would hit that next slide, this is the thing about parenting, this little chart here.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: Remember, we said the first day on boundaries that we talked about direct control, indirect control, and no control?
24:18
SPEAKER_01: And I said to you that parenting children, they go through all three stages.
24:24
SPEAKER_01: Well, what you might do if you want to is write direct control over the dependence column, indirect control over the middle column, and no control over the right-hand column.
24:38
SPEAKER_01: And just kind of fill in the blanks in your notes there from what's up here.
24:43
SPEAKER_01: Because I don't want to take a lot of time to stay here.
24:45
SPEAKER_01: But the most important thing, possibly on the whole thing, is just notice the change in your style of parenting.
24:53
SPEAKER_01: And the bottom right-hand corner is where you want to end up.
24:57
SPEAKER_01: Your goal is to raise an adult who doesn't need you.
25:02
SPEAKER_01: They don't need you to feel love.
25:04
SPEAKER_01: They don't need you to feel confident.
25:06
SPEAKER_01: They don't need you to feel encouraged because they've learned to encourage themselves in the Lord.
25:13
SPEAKER_01: So I already share with you my goal, our goal, my wife and I, was to parent our kids in such a way that they didn't need us to feel good about themselves.
25:24
SPEAKER_01: We wanted them to know we love them.
25:26
SPEAKER_01: We wanted them to know we're proud of them.
25:27
SPEAKER_01: We wanted them to know we're excited about who they're becoming, but we wanted them to learn to be self-sufficient, not from God, but from us.
25:38
SPEAKER_01: And what we wanted them to learn that we want you to make decisions.
25:43
SPEAKER_01: We don't want you to think, what do we want you to do?
25:46
SPEAKER_01: We want you to think, what does God want you to do?
25:49
SPEAKER_01: And then we want you to take off after it.
25:51
SPEAKER_01: So there's all these cool things, and I don't want to get involved in her, we'll get distracted and eat up too much time.
25:57
SPEAKER_01: But that middle column is probably really important because it's during the teenage years that you start deparenting and you start giving a child more chunks of their life to manage.
26:12
SPEAKER_01: When they manage it well, they get good reward.
26:16
SPEAKER_01: They don't manage it well, you back up a little bit, tweak it a little bit, coach them a little bit, and try to help them with it.
26:25
SPEAKER_01: Next slide, please, sir.
26:28
SPEAKER_01: Don't worry about that one.
26:29
SPEAKER_01: Go to the next one.
26:30
SPEAKER_01: Let's see what's up here.
26:31
SPEAKER_01: All right, three life skills.
26:33
SPEAKER_01: This is in your notes.
26:34
SPEAKER_01: Three life skills to be mastered by three-year-olds.
26:37
SPEAKER_01: Now, why do I put this up here?
26:39
SPEAKER_01: Because here's the thing.
26:41
SPEAKER_01: If we expect a three-year-old to be able to do it, guess who else ought to be able to do this?
26:46
SPEAKER_01: Everybody in the room.
26:48
SPEAKER_01: So look at number one.
26:50
SPEAKER_01: A three-year-old and us, we ought to be able to form emotional attachments to other people without losing a sense of self and the freedom to be different.
27:04
SPEAKER_01: What do you mean?
27:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm talking like a three-year-old ought to be able to say, she's over here playing with her dolls or whatever, whatever, and her friends say, Well, we want to go over here and play this.
27:18
SPEAKER_01: A healthy self-confidence ought to be able to say, Well, you know, I think I'll stay here and do what I'm doing.
27:26
SPEAKER_01: And not feel like I have to deny what I really want just to fit in with the other kids.
27:33
SPEAKER_01: That's healthy.
27:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, guess what?
27:36
SPEAKER_01: You ought to be able to do that now.
27:38
SPEAKER_01: You ought to be able to feel a group of friends that you really like and you want to be a part of.
27:43
SPEAKER_01: You ought to be able to feel them pulling in a direction that you don't want to go, but you're willing to give up their approval because you have enough of what you need without them.
27:57
SPEAKER_01: Here's a key little phrase or play with words.
28:00
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if I've done this for you yet.
28:01
SPEAKER_01: I probably have without making it this clear.
28:03
SPEAKER_01: I love to play with two words.
28:06
SPEAKER_01: I want their approval, I want their friendship, but I don't need their friendship.
28:17
SPEAKER_01: What you want to learn to distinguish is wanting someone's affection or friendship and needing their affection and friendship.
28:26
SPEAKER_01: There's nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted by a group of people.
28:31
SPEAKER_01: But where you're in trouble is if you need to be accepted by a group of people.
28:39
SPEAKER_01: And what happens is, as we said earlier, we live in a world of just aggressive, profound, pervasive boundary violating.
28:48
SPEAKER_01: So what happens is when people detect that we need something they have, they use that need to manipulate us.
28:57
SPEAKER_01: One of the saddest things, fellas, please don't do this, is most of us, male and female, have a desireslash need to be loved and accepted.
29:09
SPEAKER_01: And unfortunately, in the boy-girl game, we learn to use that need to get people to do things they don't want to do.
29:18
SPEAKER_01: We actually encourage people to violate their essence by encouraging them to do behaviors that they really don't want to do, but they want our love and approval or whatever, both directions now, so badly that they violate their sense of who they are.
29:38
SPEAKER_01: And all I'm saying to you guys, male or female, is don't give up who you are to get something that there's a better place to get that something from.
29:48
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
29:50
SPEAKER_01: I think y'all probably know part of what I'm talking about.
29:53
SPEAKER_01: All right, next one, please.
29:56
SPEAKER_01: A healthy three-year-old should be.
29:59
SPEAKER_01: Next slide.
30:00
SPEAKER_01: Is that it?
30:01
SPEAKER_01: Why does it say number one?
30:03
SPEAKER_01: That is it.
30:03
SPEAKER_01: You're right, but it says number one.
30:05
SPEAKER_01: That's what threw me.
30:07
SPEAKER_01: A healthy three-year-old should be able to hear no from appropriate others and respond accordingly.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: Is it appropriate for a three-year-old to drop themselves to the floor and pitch a fit?
30:17
SPEAKER_01: Because they don't get what they want.
30:18
SPEAKER_01: Now, some people think it is.
30:20
SPEAKER_01: I personally think it is ridiculous.
30:23
SPEAKER_01: Ultimately, what who are you training a child to obey, ultimately?
30:28
SPEAKER_01: When you raise a child, who are you really training them to walk with?
30:33
SPEAKER_01: God.
30:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, when God tells you to do something, are you allowed to pitch a fit?
30:40
SPEAKER_01: Why would you let a child do that?
30:43
SPEAKER_01: Why would you allow a child to hit the ground kicking and screaming?
30:48
SPEAKER_01: What you're saying to the child is, it's really hard to manage yourself and we don't expect you to.
30:55
SPEAKER_01: We taught our children, you can manage yourself and you will manage yourself.
31:00
SPEAKER_01: When you don't get what you want, you're allowed to be disappointed.
31:04
SPEAKER_01: You are not allowed to act like that, particularly in public.
31:09
SPEAKER_01: Now, we believed in spanking, so let's just say hypothetically we're in a restaurant and our child doesn't like something that's happening and they pitch a fit.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: Now, how many of you know a restaurant's not a good place to discipline your child?
31:23
SPEAKER_01: If you hadn't done your homework at home, you don't do catch up in the public.
31:27
SPEAKER_01: So what I would typically do is I'd lean over into my child's ear and I'd say, When we get home, you're going to regret that you did that.
31:38
SPEAKER_01: And they knew exactly what was going to happen.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: Because they realized they had just violated what we consider appropriate behavior.
31:47
SPEAKER_01: So when we got home, they were disciplined properly, lovingly, always, never abusively.
31:55
SPEAKER_01: But um, whatever, we won't chase the whole spanking thing, but we were believers in spanking.
32:01
SPEAKER_01: All right, next slide, please, sir.
32:03
SPEAKER_01: All right, if you're a healthy three-year-old andor an adult, you should be able to say no.
32:09
SPEAKER_01: Number two was hear no.
32:10
SPEAKER_01: Number three is you should be able to say no to others without a fear of punishment or manipulation.
32:17
SPEAKER_01: Now, I believe we raise our kids to have, again, age appropriate, but to have an ability to say yes and no to things that are within their, you know, sphere of proper responsibilities.
32:33
SPEAKER_01: Next one, please.
32:35
SPEAKER_01: If you want to, write this down somewhere.
32:37
SPEAKER_01: It's not in your notes, but I thought it was a pretty cool definition of discipline, particularly when you're talking about a child.
32:43
SPEAKER_01: Discipline is the art of teaching children self-control by managing consequences.
32:51
SPEAKER_01: Ultimately, what you're trying to do with discipline is you're trying to train a child how to control or manage themselves.
32:59
SPEAKER_01: But the way you do it is from the outside, you manage the consequences, and gradually what you're doing when you manage them from the outside is you're strengthening their internal muscles to manage themselves.
33:14
SPEAKER_01: One of the saddest things is to try to minister to an adult who was never told no properly by their parents.
33:24
SPEAKER_01: Because here's what happened: when you don't learn to hear no and say no properly as a child, guess what you can't do later in life?
33:34
SPEAKER_01: Say no to yourself.
33:37
SPEAKER_01: And so your own habits and behaviors are hard for you to manage because you never had to learn how to live with the word no.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: One of the most important things for you to learn is how to say no to yourself.
33:53
SPEAKER_01: I'm not great at it, but I'm better at it than I used to be.
33:58
SPEAKER_01: And quite honestly, my wife's helped me quite a bit with that because she's much more disciplined than I am.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: All right, let's run through some stuff.
34:07
SPEAKER_01: Hit the next slide, please, sir.
34:08
SPEAKER_01: All right, back that one up.
34:10
SPEAKER_01: We'll get to that one in just a second.
34:12
SPEAKER_01: But now we're gonna run through some stuff that's not up here.
34:17
SPEAKER_01: But since it's in your notes, I want to fill it in for you.
34:19
SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna just run through these buttons.
34:21
SPEAKER_01: Are your buttons too easy to push?
34:23
SPEAKER_01: You got that on your notes, right?
34:25
SPEAKER_01: Okay, I'm just gonna run through them.
34:27
SPEAKER_01: I'm not gonna take long with any of them.
34:29
SPEAKER_01: But these are just ways to look at some of the different patterns we can fall into when it comes to boundary issues.
34:37
SPEAKER_01: Button number one is the disease to please.
34:41
SPEAKER_01: The disease to please.
34:43
SPEAKER_01: And that's someone who has approval addiction.
34:46
SPEAKER_01: In other words, your need to please people just makes you do things that violate yourself.
34:53
SPEAKER_01: And I probably used to have a good bit of difficulty with that.
34:56
SPEAKER_01: And this falls into that whole area of having a hard time saying no.
35:00
SPEAKER_01: But number two, a fear of rejection and abandonment.
35:05
SPEAKER_01: A fear of rejection and abandonment.
35:07
SPEAKER_01: The best way to battle the fear of rejection and abandonment is learn how to receive and rest in the Father's love so that you go into every relationship pretty full of what you need, and then you're just not going to be quite as sensitive and controlled and manipulated by your fear of being rejected and abandoned.
35:29
SPEAKER_01: Number three, button number three, is emotophobia, kind of a weird word.
35:34
SPEAKER_01: Phobia is a fear.
35:36
SPEAKER_01: Emoto is emotion, so it's a fear of negative emotions.
35:41
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes what causes us to have boundary problems is certain emotions just shut us down, like intimidation, anger.
35:52
SPEAKER_01: Somebody can emotionally withdraw from you and that drives you crazy, so you give in.
35:57
SPEAKER_01: So sometimes we we people learn what our little hot buttons are.
36:02
SPEAKER_01: Like, how many of you'd agree most people don't like conflict?
36:07
SPEAKER_01: So if I'm a person who wants to control you, I figure that out, and whenever I want to kind of back you off and shut you down, I just create a bunch of conflict and I get what I want.
36:19
SPEAKER_01: So what I'm saying to you in this whole area of boundaries is you've got to raise your tolerance.
36:25
SPEAKER_01: And notice I put negative in quotes, because I don't think any net any emotions are completely negative, because God gave all of us, all of them to us for a purpose.
36:36
SPEAKER_01: So button number four is a lack of assertiveness or the inability to say what?
36:42
SPEAKER_01: No.
36:42
SPEAKER_01: Say no one time.
36:44
SPEAKER_01: Say it real high.
36:45
SPEAKER_01: No, say it real low.
36:48
SPEAKER_01: Say it real soft.
36:49
SPEAKER_01: No.
36:51
SPEAKER_01: How many of you have been practicing?
36:53
SPEAKER_01: You probably haven't been, but I would encourage you to.
36:56
SPEAKER_01: I would encourage you.
36:57
SPEAKER_01: But number five, the vanishing self.
37:00
SPEAKER_01: The vanishing self.
37:02
SPEAKER_01: You know what a chameleon is?
37:05
SPEAKER_01: That little lizard that kind of changes color, whatever you put it on.
37:10
SPEAKER_01: Isn't it sad that some of us live our life figuring out what the people around us whose uh approval we want want from us, and then we become what they want.
37:24
SPEAKER_01: And the sad thing is the beautiful person that you are gets lost in the shuffle.
37:31
SPEAKER_01: And I work with lots of people over the years who don't really know who they are.
37:36
SPEAKER_01: They don't really know what they want, what they like, what they don't like.
37:41
SPEAKER_01: I mean, I've been in counseling and had some crazy thing.
37:44
SPEAKER_01: I've I this may sound like a teeny teeny teeny little thing, but I mean I've been with people, didn't even know what colors they like.
37:50
SPEAKER_01: Because they never, they never had the opportunity to choose.
37:55
SPEAKER_01: They didn't like, I mean, they weren't allowed to make any of their choices.
37:59
SPEAKER_01: And it's just cool.
38:00
SPEAKER_01: If you want to, right off to the side of that one, a week, in quotes, I want.
38:07
SPEAKER_01: A week, I want.
38:11
SPEAKER_01: I really, really, really, by the grace of God, want to poke you and stoke you to strengthen your wanter.
38:20
SPEAKER_01: I think James or somebody prayed that for me this morning, and I really appreciate it.
38:24
SPEAKER_01: To strengthen your water.
38:26
SPEAKER_01: I think God likes it when we're able to say to him, I want X, Y, Z.
38:34
SPEAKER_01: And that kind of stuff will fuel your fire.
38:37
SPEAKER_01: Button number six, Johnny or Susie to the rescue.
38:41
SPEAKER_01: Johnny or Susie to the rescue.
38:44
SPEAKER_01: Boundaries are about the R word.
38:46
SPEAKER_01: What's the R word?
38:48
SPEAKER_01: Responsibility.
38:49
SPEAKER_01: Say that one time.
38:51
SPEAKER_01: Responsibility.
38:52
SPEAKER_01: So, now think about this for a minute.
38:54
SPEAKER_01: You have a friend, loved one, who's in a situation, but they're in the situation because of choices they made.
39:05
SPEAKER_01: Is it always right to rescue them?
39:10
SPEAKER_01: Do you realize that sometimes when you rescue people, you interrupt a class that God has in session?
39:20
SPEAKER_01: What do you mean by that?
39:22
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes God wants people to experience the consequences of their choices so that it hurts bad enough they don't want to do it again.
39:33
SPEAKER_01: We rush in to rescue them, and guess what happens?
39:37
SPEAKER_01: We disconnect their choice from the consequence God meant for them to experience, and they don't learn what God wanted them to learn.
39:49
SPEAKER_01: It's not always right to save someone from their pain.
39:55
SPEAKER_01: It is not.
39:57
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes it is, but sometimes it is not, and you've got to learn how to discern the difference.
40:05
SPEAKER_01: Button number seven: learned helplessness or a victim mentality.
40:13
SPEAKER_01: A victim mentality.
40:17
SPEAKER_01: If you want to write this off to the side, write the word stewardship.
40:22
SPEAKER_01: To me, the antidote to the poison of a victim mindset is a mindset of stewardship.
40:31
SPEAKER_01: What does that mean?
40:32
SPEAKER_01: I'm responsible for managing what's going on inside my circle.
40:37
SPEAKER_01: I'm not a victim to other people.
40:40
SPEAKER_01: Alright, that next section there, common symptoms.
40:42
SPEAKER_01: There aren't any blanks in there, right?
40:44
SPEAKER_01: And those are pretty much just repeating some of what we've already said.
40:48
SPEAKER_01: So I'm not going to go through all those.
40:51
SPEAKER_01: But let me read you a story as we get into this bottom section there, the three key results of boundary problems.
40:59
SPEAKER_01: So here's a story about a lady and her husband who are in their counselor's office, and they just came back from visiting her, husband and wife in counseling.
41:12
SPEAKER_01: They just came back from visiting her family, her parents.
41:16
SPEAKER_01: So listen to how this proceeds.
41:18
SPEAKER_01: Helen, the wife, felt guilty and depressed since her family's last visit with her parents.
41:25
SPEAKER_01: In other words, her husband and her kids went to visit her parents.
41:27
SPEAKER_01: So Helen says to the counselor, our time with the, now here's what I want you to do is I'm reading a story.
41:33
SPEAKER_01: Think boundaries and start watching for violations of healthy thinking.
41:38
SPEAKER_01: Okay?
41:39
SPEAKER_01: So Helen says to the counselor, Our time with my parents was difficult.
41:44
SPEAKER_01: My mother was very critical of me and even of our children.
41:48
SPEAKER_01: I felt really guilty since we left there.
41:53
SPEAKER_01: The counselor asks Helen about her parents.
41:56
SPEAKER_01: Helen replies, My father's a wonderful man.
42:00
SPEAKER_01: He's loving and very supportive of me.
42:04
SPEAKER_01: My mother does a lot for me.
42:06
SPEAKER_01: She's very protective, but sometimes she's critical.
42:11
SPEAKER_01: Ken, Helen's husband, looks at her and says, Sometimes your mother's critical?
42:18
SPEAKER_01: Helen reluctantly admits, okay, more than sometimes.
42:23
SPEAKER_01: So the counselor says, Well, Helen, when is your mother critical?
42:27
SPEAKER_01: Helen thinks and looks away as she answers.
42:31
SPEAKER_01: When I was growing up, she criticized how I look, the clothes I wore, my friends, my grades.
42:38
SPEAKER_01: Now she's even critical of my husband and my children.
42:43
SPEAKER_01: I guess she's critical about just about everything.
42:47
SPEAKER_01: So the counselor asked how her father responds when her mother is critical.
42:52
SPEAKER_01: Helen replied, Oh, he goes into the living room and reads the paper.
42:58
SPEAKER_01: That's the way he copes when she nags him, which is just about all the time.
43:04
SPEAKER_01: She smiled weakly and said, Daddy spends lots of time reading the paper.
43:10
SPEAKER_01: But when the counselor asked how Helen responds to her mother, she said, Well, I've always tried to make her happy.
43:18
SPEAKER_01: I've always tried to please her, but I guess I just haven't been the daughter she wanted me to be.
43:25
SPEAKER_01: I've really tried, though.
43:27
SPEAKER_01: And her voice trails off.
43:29
SPEAKER_01: The counselor says, Helen, how do you feel when your mother criticizes you?
43:35
SPEAKER_01: Helen replies, guilty, I guess.
43:39
SPEAKER_01: Guilty that I can't make her happy.
43:42
SPEAKER_01: Guilty I failed her as her child.
43:46
SPEAKER_01: Helen chokes out the words.
43:49
SPEAKER_01: Now she treats my children just like she treated me.
43:53
SPEAKER_01: Her criticism has never bothered me.
43:57
SPEAKER_01: But I don't want her to treat my children that way.
44:00
SPEAKER_01: I just don't know how to get her to treat us well.
44:06
SPEAKER_01: Any boundary problems in all that?
44:11
SPEAKER_01: Tell me some things that are wrong with that story.
44:15
SPEAKER_01: Yes.
44:18
SPEAKER_01: She doesn't want to let her mom.
44:21
SPEAKER_01: She doesn't want to let her parents down.
44:23
SPEAKER_01: So that would be she's being responsible for what?
44:29
SPEAKER_01: She's taking responsibility for her parents' happiness, particularly her mom.
44:34
SPEAKER_01: What else is going on in there?
44:39
SPEAKER_01: I mean, let's do the Three things here, and then let's talk about it.
44:43
SPEAKER_01: But think about that story for a minute.
44:45
SPEAKER_01: Alright, at the bottom of your page, there are three key results of boundary problems.
44:49
SPEAKER_01: Next slide, please, sir.
44:51
SPEAKER_01: One of the things that happens when you have boundary problems is you lose objectivity.
44:57
SPEAKER_01: Objectivity is the ability to see things the way they really are.
45:05
SPEAKER_01: So what happens when you have boundary problems is you're unable to see things the way they really are.
45:30
SPEAKER_01: Somebody's enabling another person's irresponsibility.
45:35
SPEAKER_01: Typically, they're neglecting their own needs, but inevitably, over time, you just develop this growing pocket of resentment.
45:45
SPEAKER_01: And even if you can't consciously figure out why you feel it, you start resenting the person whose boundaries are all messed up with you.
45:55
SPEAKER_01: So thinking, I think there's one more thing.
45:57
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, the third one.
45:58
SPEAKER_01: I don't think it's up here though.
45:59
SPEAKER_01: Go one, yeah, back up one time, please, sir.
46:02
SPEAKER_01: So the third one at the bottom there is control issues in your notes.
46:07
SPEAKER_01: Control issues.
46:09
SPEAKER_01: All right, now if you look at those three things, an inability to see things as they really are, a warped sense of responsibility, what else do you see wrong with this story?
46:18
SPEAKER_01: Was she seeing things the way they really are?
46:22
SPEAKER_01: Like what?
46:22
SPEAKER_01: What would be examples?
46:25
unknown: The mother is not the only one, the father's opening to the water.
46:30
SPEAKER_01: The father's in a very passive position.
46:32
SPEAKER_01: Mom's controlling.
46:33
SPEAKER_01: She's not using any of those kind of words.
46:36
SPEAKER_01: How about this statement?
46:38
SPEAKER_01: Um my father's wonderful.
46:42
SPEAKER_01: Where is that?
46:43
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my father's a wonderful man.
46:45
SPEAKER_01: He's loving and very supportive.
46:47
SPEAKER_01: Is that true?
46:49
SPEAKER_01: What did he do when mom was nagging and criticizing?
46:53
SPEAKER_01: He disappeared.
46:55
SPEAKER_01: Now, this is a harsh way to say it, but dad was a coward.
47:01
SPEAKER_01: He was a coward.
47:02
SPEAKER_01: And he didn't do his job.
47:04
SPEAKER_01: What was his job?
47:06
SPEAKER_01: His job was to stand up to mom.
47:09
SPEAKER_01: Now, you know what I believe deep down?
47:11
SPEAKER_01: I believe mom wanted him to.
47:14
SPEAKER_01: Because I believe deep down mom knew she wasn't doing things correctly.
47:21
SPEAKER_01: And she would love for him to have stood up.
47:23
SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't mean she would have enjoyed it, but here's the thing about this stuff.
47:30
SPEAKER_01: He apparently had a low tolerance for what?
47:35
SPEAKER_01: Conflict.
47:37
SPEAKER_01: So he would hide behind the paper, and what happened was her personality, mom, was allowed to run free, and people got damaged.
47:46
SPEAKER_01: Now it's really easy to be upset with mom, but please don't leave dad out.
47:52
SPEAKER_01: Dad did not do his job.
47:55
SPEAKER_01: And that's some of the objectivity stuff.
47:58
SPEAKER_01: Any other boundary issues you see in all that?
48:02
SPEAKER_01: Did you catch the phrase where she said, her criticism never bothered me?
48:10
SPEAKER_01: Obviously, that can't be true.
48:12
SPEAKER_01: But what got her attention was when her mom started criticizing her own children, and then she realized how unhealthy and unhelpful that was.
48:22
SPEAKER_01: Alright, let's jump to this next part that is probably one of the most important parts.
48:28
SPEAKER_01: That bottom number three blank is the word control issues.
48:34
SPEAKER_01: In case you didn't catch that at the bottom of the sheet there.
48:37
SPEAKER_01: Alright, how do you fix your boundaries?
48:40
SPEAKER_01: If you want to, if you believe after hearing all this, you know, I think I need to work on my boundaries.
48:45
SPEAKER_01: Where do you go?
48:45
SPEAKER_01: How do you do that?
48:47
SPEAKER_01: And that's what we're gonna start into right now.
48:50
SPEAKER_01: How do we get this stuff working correctly?
48:53
SPEAKER_01: So, number one, start with your circle.
48:59
SPEAKER_01: You know, most of this is gonna be up here, I think.
49:02
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to wait on anyone else.
49:05
SPEAKER_01: The sad thing about this boundary stuff is there's this subtle form of victim thinking, and that is that if the people around me don't help me, I can't do this.
49:17
SPEAKER_01: Most of you aren't married, but a lot of the people I see are married, and the mindset is kind of like this.
49:23
SPEAKER_01: Well, if my wife won't work on this, if my husband won't work on this, it's not gonna work.
49:28
SPEAKER_01: Well, fine.
49:30
SPEAKER_01: Then stay the way you are for the rest of your life.
49:33
SPEAKER_01: And you guys are at age places where you might correctly think this is gonna be hard with my parents, with my siblings, with my friends.
49:44
SPEAKER_01: And you know what?
49:45
SPEAKER_01: You're right.
49:46
SPEAKER_01: It is going to be hard.
49:48
SPEAKER_01: But please listen to this.
49:50
SPEAKER_01: Everybody else doesn't have to get their boundaries straight and healthy for you to start working on yours.
49:57
SPEAKER_01: You don't have to preach this to everybody.
50:01
SPEAKER_01: Just start practicing it.
50:03
SPEAKER_01: Don't preach it, practice it.
50:06
SPEAKER_01: And what does that mean?
50:08
SPEAKER_01: Just start with your circle.
50:10
SPEAKER_01: Start practicing what it feels like to be responsible for what's going on inside your circle.
50:16
SPEAKER_01: You have an exchange right here while you're at the school.
50:19
SPEAKER_01: You have an exchange with friends and you walk away with your feelings hurt.
50:24
SPEAKER_01: Start practicing what I am doing to put myself in this place where I'm feeling.
50:32
SPEAKER_01: What am I saying to myself?
50:34
SPEAKER_01: How am I looking at what just happened?
50:39
SPEAKER_01: Start managing what's inside your circle better.
50:43
SPEAKER_01: And you don't have to get people around you to change.
50:46
SPEAKER_01: That next statement: freedom comes from taking responsibility.
50:52
SPEAKER_01: Bondage comes from giving it away.
50:55
SPEAKER_01: It's amazing.
50:57
SPEAKER_01: At first, it probably doesn't sound that way, but when you start being responsible for everything inside your circle, it's amazing how liberating it is.
51:06
SPEAKER_01: It's amazing how liberating to walk into a room of people that you love.
51:12
SPEAKER_01: And you're able to attain and maintain an emotional state no matter where the rest of them are.
51:20
SPEAKER_01: And you really, really, really can use it.
51:23
SPEAKER_01: Oh, you mean you're not touched by other people's feelings?
51:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you're touched by them, but you're not controlled by them.
51:29
SPEAKER_01: There's a difference.
51:31
SPEAKER_01: I love to feel emotion.
51:33
SPEAKER_01: I love to, I love that God's made me a pretty sensitive person, particularly for a man, but I've worked at managing, training myself to feel feelings, but not be controlled by them.
51:49
SPEAKER_01: And it just takes time and practice.
51:50
SPEAKER_01: So freedom comes from taking responsibility.
51:54
SPEAKER_01: Bondage comes from giving it away.
51:58
SPEAKER_01: If I walk in a room and it's filled with certain kinds of feelings and I let them affect me, then I've just given away my responsibility.
52:06
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
52:07
SPEAKER_01: I'm in bondage to however those people feel toward me, about me, respond toward me.
52:13
SPEAKER_01: I don't want how I feel about myself controlled by how other people feel toward me.
52:18
SPEAKER_01: You know, I've told you this already.
52:20
SPEAKER_01: I want you to like me.
52:22
SPEAKER_01: I like it that it seems like you like me.
52:25
SPEAKER_01: I hope when I'm gone you say really nice stuff about me.
52:28
SPEAKER_01: But I don't need you guys to like me for me to be okay.
52:33
SPEAKER_01: Does that make sense?
52:35
SPEAKER_01: It's a really cool way to live.
52:38
SPEAKER_01: But here's the other side of it: it puts you in a place where you can say things to people they really need to hear, not just want to hear.
52:49
SPEAKER_01: Because if I need you to like me, what's gonna happen when God puts a thought in my heart that you need to hear, but you're not gonna like?
52:56
SPEAKER_01: If I need you to like me, I'm gonna kind of like, ooh, I don't want to say that, God.
53:02
SPEAKER_01: And guess what?
53:03
SPEAKER_01: I'm not helping you.
53:05
SPEAKER_01: I'm not serving you, I'm serving me.
53:09
SPEAKER_01: Because I need you to like me, so I'm not free to deliver whatever message it is that God gave me to give you.
53:18
SPEAKER_01: And I tell friends of mine, I was talking to somebody while I was here, that the really, really close friends that I do life with, we're gonna we're gonna have that kind of freedom with one another, or I don't have time for you.
53:33
SPEAKER_01: If you're not gonna live at that level of freedom, in other words, if I see something in your life or you see something in my life, I want us both to have the freedom to confront one another.
53:44
SPEAKER_01: And if we can't confront one another, why why or why what's the point?
53:49
SPEAKER_01: So I like friends where we're crazy in love with each other and we like each other and we there's we share passion, but I like friends who know I want them to rock my world when it needs to be rocked.
54:03
SPEAKER_01: So as you start to think about rebuilding your boundaries, you've got to start with your own circle.
54:10
SPEAKER_01: Next one, please, sir.
54:12
SPEAKER_01: Since you can't make anyone else change, change yourself so their behavior no longer works on you.
54:22
SPEAKER_01: People learn ways of manipulating and controlling other people.
54:28
SPEAKER_01: And they kind of develop a routine set of ways they get what they want.
54:35
SPEAKER_01: Well, I don't like the way that person manipulates me.
54:38
SPEAKER_01: I don't like the way that person uses me.
54:41
SPEAKER_01: So I need to change that person.
54:44
SPEAKER_01: Is that the right way to handle it?
54:46
SPEAKER_01: No.
54:46
SPEAKER_01: What a waste of energy.
54:48
SPEAKER_01: What you need to do is say, God, help me inside my circle, change the way I'm processing what they're doing so that I change so that the games they're playing don't work on me.
55:04
SPEAKER_01: Like intimidation.
55:05
SPEAKER_01: Some people are kind of like emotional bullies.
55:08
SPEAKER_01: Well, you've got to figure out why that works?
55:11
SPEAKER_01: Why does it work when somebody bullies me or threatens me?
55:17
SPEAKER_01: Or maybe somebody gets to you and pushes your buttons by withdrawing affection.
55:23
SPEAKER_01: And whether they do it overtly or kind of subtly, the way they get you to respond when you're kind of not wanting to do something they want you to do is they withdraw affection.
55:35
SPEAKER_01: And maybe you haven't fully learned how to receive and rest in the Father's love.
55:40
SPEAKER_01: You hadn't fully learned how to feel full.
55:42
SPEAKER_01: So when somebody withdraws their affection, their affection, you start to feel lonely and scared.
55:50
SPEAKER_01: And so you violate yourself and do something you didn't want to do because you so badly don't want to lose their affection.
56:01
SPEAKER_01: What's cool is when you learn to receive and rest in the Father's love, you can watch someone try to manipulate you by withdrawing their affection, and you're able to say, you know, I really want their affection, but I don't need it.
56:21
SPEAKER_01: Let me tell you about a need.
56:23
SPEAKER_01: How do you tell there's between a want and a need?
56:26
SPEAKER_01: A need is something that's absence makes you sick, its presence makes you well, and its consistent availability keeps you healthy.
56:42
SPEAKER_01: Most of what we think we need, we don't really need.
56:46
SPEAKER_01: A need is something that's absence makes you sick, its presence makes you well, and its consistent availability keeps you healthy and strong.
56:58
SPEAKER_01: Most of what we think we need, we don't need.
57:08
SPEAKER_01: I use that a lot.
57:10
SPEAKER_01: Like I learned one time I was getting ready to speak.
57:14
SPEAKER_01: This is when I was learning all this stuff, but hadn't really gotten it yet.
57:18
SPEAKER_01: And it was the biggest church I'd ever spoken in up to that point.
57:22
SPEAKER_01: They really invited me up there to minister to their staff counseling.
57:28
SPEAKER_01: And it was the middle of the week, they had a Wednesday night service, so I think the guy felt obligated to ask me to speak.
57:34
SPEAKER_01: So I'm gonna speak in the Wednesday night service.
57:37
SPEAKER_01: And it's the biggest church I've ever been in.
57:39
SPEAKER_01: It's in a kind of a big city in our area, very prosperous church, very it's uh near the research triangle of North Carolina, very smart people, and I was just nervous, scared, afraid that they weren't gonna like me, and that I would just sound like an idiot.
57:55
SPEAKER_01: So, I mean, I was like really afraid.
57:58
SPEAKER_01: So the pastor comes before service and he says, come on in the office and we'll pray with the ministry team.
58:04
SPEAKER_01: Well, we went in his office to pray with the ministry team for the service.
58:10
SPEAKER_01: The ministry team in his office praying was bigger than my whole church.
58:16
SPEAKER_01: The people in his office praying, it was a pretty big office.
58:19
SPEAKER_01: But the people in his office praying for the service were bigger than my whole service would have been.
58:24
SPEAKER_01: And I'm standing in the circle praying, holding my Bible and notes, and I am so freaked out.
58:30
SPEAKER_01: I can't remember my, I can't even remember the title of my sermon.
58:34
SPEAKER_01: I can't, I mean, I'm just like freaking out.
58:37
SPEAKER_01: I get out in the service and the worship starts, and they're they're kind of a high energy.
58:42
SPEAKER_01: This is back, I don't know, probably in the 80s.
58:44
SPEAKER_01: They're just, you know, just really going for it.
58:46
SPEAKER_01: And I'm just like, oh God, this is not helping me.
58:50
SPEAKER_01: And this worship got really good, you know, and it starts to end, you know, and I'm thinking, no, God, don't stop.
58:56
SPEAKER_01: I said, why don't you just let your glory fall?
58:58
SPEAKER_01: Nobody has to speak tonight.
58:59
SPEAKER_01: Why don't you just do something else?
59:01
SPEAKER_01: And I was dying.
59:04
SPEAKER_01: And I mean, I'm sitting there freaking out, and the pastor goes up to take the, you know, the transition from the worship leader, and he just said, you know, I feel like we need to worship some more.
59:13
SPEAKER_01: And then they went into this really gentle, worshipful moment.
59:19
SPEAKER_01: And I was just sitting there freaking out, and I said, Okay, good God, why don't you just let the service stay here?
59:24
SPEAKER_01: And I nobody needs to speak tonight because I didn't want to speak.
59:28
SPEAKER_01: And I'm standing on the front row, and I'm the guy getting up, getting ready to go up there and talk, and I am dying on the inside.
59:35
SPEAKER_01: And I hear this little voice say, Chipper, I love you.
59:41
SPEAKER_01: And I don't care if they don't.
59:44
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, What?
59:48
SPEAKER_01: He's like, Chipper, I like you.
59:52
SPEAKER_01: And I don't care if they don't.
59:56
SPEAKER_01: And I just kind of went, you know what?
1:00:00
SPEAKER_01: I don't either.
1:00:03
SPEAKER_01: I don't either.
1:00:05
SPEAKER_01: And something inside me just kind of broke loose a little bit.
1:00:11
SPEAKER_01: And you know what I went up and spoke on?
1:00:13
SPEAKER_01: I went up and spoke on the unconditional love and acceptance of God.
1:00:19
SPEAKER_01: It's a very performance-driven church.
1:00:22
SPEAKER_01: The associate pastor told me a few months later it was the most requested C D they had ever had.
1:00:31
SPEAKER_01: It all changed in this silly little moment where I learned to do something, I now do all the time.
1:00:38
SPEAKER_01: And that is what I'm getting.
1:00:40
SPEAKER_01: I don't have to even do it anymore, but sometimes I had to do it a lot, and every once in a while I still do.
1:00:46
SPEAKER_01: And what I do is as I'm getting ready to go in front of a group of people, I walk through this simple exercise.
1:00:52
SPEAKER_01: I want them to like me.
1:00:55
SPEAKER_01: I would really like it if it really goes well.
1:00:59
SPEAKER_01: I'd really like it if when I'm done they say, wow, that was good.
1:01:04
SPEAKER_01: But I don't need them to like me for this to for me to be okay.
1:01:10
SPEAKER_01: Say yes if that makes sense.
1:01:13
SPEAKER_01: Now, whose circle am I managing?
1:01:16
SPEAKER_01: Mine.
1:01:17
SPEAKER_01: Can I make that audience like me?
1:01:21
SPEAKER_01: Can I be ready, prepared, connected to God, so the chances are better that it's gonna go well?
1:01:28
SPEAKER_01: Sure, I can do my homework, but can I guarantee that's gonna go the way I want it to?
1:01:34
SPEAKER_01: No.
1:01:35
SPEAKER_01: What can I guarantee?
1:01:38
SPEAKER_01: How I respond no matter how it goes.
1:01:43
SPEAKER_01: And I've learned to manage what's going on inside my circle so that I minimize the damage if it doesn't go well.
1:01:54
SPEAKER_01: Now you can learn to do that with your parents, you can learn to do it with your friends, you can learn to do it later with your spouse.
1:02:04
SPEAKER_01: You know, I would like, I want this or that, but I can't guarantee that happens.
1:02:13
SPEAKER_01: I'll be okay.
1:02:15
SPEAKER_01: It might hurt some, but I don't need that to happen for me to be okay.
1:02:21
SPEAKER_01: And like I've said to you many, many times this week, no one else can do that for you.
1:02:27
SPEAKER_01: You decide how much stuff hurts you.
1:02:31
SPEAKER_01: You decide.
1:02:33
SPEAKER_01: And you've got to practice doing this stuff.
1:02:37
SPEAKER_01: Make sense?
1:02:39
SPEAKER_01: Ready for a break?
1:02:41
SPEAKER_01: Any quick questions?
1:02:45
SPEAKER_01: All right, let's take our break right there.
1:02:50
SPEAKER_01: Bless you guys.