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The Stoic Pause: Respond Without Reacting · The Stoic Handbook with Jon Brooks

0:00
SPEAKER_00: My goal with this workshop is that you learn something new and you learn something practical and you learn something you could take with you.
0:06
SPEAKER_00: We are going to be talking about something that on the surface seems very simple, the stoic pause, right?
0:13
SPEAKER_00: But it there's a lot of science behind it and it makes a lot of sense and modern neuroscience and the ancient stoics both thought there was a lot of value in learning this amazing skill of pausing.
0:25
SPEAKER_00: Does anyone here tend to react to things rather than respond?
0:29
SPEAKER_00: Whether that's in traffic, family, relationships, you find that your mind kind of gets hijacked and then you end up reacting before you can make a good decision about something.
0:41
SPEAKER_00: Yes, we all do to some degree, but some more than others.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: Overthinking also ties very much into a reactive mind.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: Here's what we're gonna be going over.
0:54
SPEAKER_00: It could be 45 minutes to an hour, but we'll see how we get on with time.
0:58
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna be looking at what it means to be reactive, what's the experience of it?
1:03
SPEAKER_00: Like why do we tend to overreact?
1:05
SPEAKER_00: You know, it's quite an important topic.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: The more we can understand why we do something, the better we'll be able to manage it.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: Then we're gonna be looking at the science behind it, the gap between the initial impression or the event, and then how we respond to it.
1:20
SPEAKER_00: Then we're gonna look at the stoic pause and we're gonna get into some practical exercises, and we're gonna run through a very simple uh version of the stoic pause and the steps.
1:30
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
1:31
SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna begin now.
1:33
SPEAKER_00: Just get comfortable, settle down, um, and let's get into this.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so you know in your own experience that you've had this moment, okay?
1:43
SPEAKER_00: You're about to send an email, or you've just sent it and you're already saying the sentence you'll regret.
1:50
SPEAKER_00: It's almost like your body has taken over and it's doing the thing that the better version of you, the wiser version of you, knows it shouldn't be doing, but you still do it.
2:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're someone who reacts before you can think, maybe you're quick to get angry, quick to get anxiety, quick to become defensive.
2:09
SPEAKER_00: We are going to be looking at tools to handle that.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: And if you're also tired of being told to just pause, that doesn't help, right?
2:18
SPEAKER_00: To just pause, count to five, then definitely this is for you, okay?
2:24
SPEAKER_00: Because we're gonna look in detail at what it means to pause and how to do it properly.
2:29
SPEAKER_00: A lot of the stoic advice is really interesting because the Stoics were very intelligent, very wise people that spent all their time philosophizing, dedicated their life to living a wise existence.
2:46
SPEAKER_00: And they came up with a system, a framework that is very robust.
2:51
SPEAKER_00: But then what happens then over time, over the 2000 years that have passed since it was invented, people have taken the highlights and then they teach the highlights.
3:03
SPEAKER_00: And so the dichotomy of control, which is this full system of how to manage your now, just becomes focus on what you can control, and that just misses a lot of it, right?
3:16
SPEAKER_00: And the same as the stoic pause just becomes just pause before you react.
3:22
SPEAKER_00: It's like that doesn't really help.
3:24
SPEAKER_00: There is a seed of truth to it, but it's too diluted to actually be useful.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: It's very similar to when someone says, if you want to get in shape, move more, eat less.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: It's like, okay, yes, but not quite.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't actually help.
3:42
SPEAKER_00: Have you ever heard of the 300 millisecond problem?
3:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay, because this is the gap between when your body reacts to something and your mind consciously becomes aware of it.
3:58
SPEAKER_00: So it takes between 12 and 150 milliseconds before your amygdala recognizes a situation.
4:06
SPEAKER_00: This is uh called the low road, the kind of emotional physical reaction to something.
4:12
SPEAKER_00: The high road, your conscious awareness, you know, your prefrontal cortex and the more human part of you kicks in 200 to 300 milliseconds later.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so there's this gap.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: Your body reacts first, the amygdala, and then conscious awareness kicks in later.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: The problem is by the time you are consciously aware, your body has already begun responding.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: So like flinching.
4:39
SPEAKER_00: Goleman called this the amygdala hijack from emotional intelligence.
4:45
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
4:46
SPEAKER_00: So this is why we all struggle with it.
4:48
SPEAKER_00: It's physiological, it's baked into our brain.
4:54
SPEAKER_00: Okay, because this start in your cortex.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: Uh the it starts in your amygdala, okay?
4:59
SPEAKER_00: This is where it starts, the amygdala.
5:02
SPEAKER_00: It's like a deep part of your brain.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get a little bit scientific just because I want to give some credibility and weight to this idea of the stoic pause.
5:11
SPEAKER_00: So the more you can understand it, the better you'll be able to manage it.
5:15
SPEAKER_00: I learned this in martial arts.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: It's not enough to teach someone a move.
5:20
SPEAKER_00: You have to teach someone why the move works.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: Because then if they know why the move works, when life gets tricky, when your opponent gives full resistance, you can figure out ways to still make it work because you understand the principles behind it.
5:35
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so there are three states.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: This is called the polyvagal frame.
5:40
SPEAKER_00: Okay, there are three sort of states of mind.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: The first is the ventral vagal.
5:46
SPEAKER_00: This is when you have social engagement, you feel safety, and you can pause.
5:51
SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is when you will find sometimes in life you can pause and you can respond rather than react.
5:57
SPEAKER_00: It's not constantly the case that you react.
6:01
SPEAKER_00: The other state in your neurophysiology is sympathetic, if you heard of this.
6:06
SPEAKER_00: This is when you have fight or flight, anger, anxiety, reactivity, mobilization.
6:12
SPEAKER_00: It's difficult then to pause.
6:14
SPEAKER_00: Your body is wanting to act, pump blood to the vital limbs so that you can take action with us, engaging a fight or run away.
6:23
SPEAKER_00: And then you have dorsal vagal.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: This is step three.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: This is when you collapse, freeze, stonewall, or check out.
6:29
SPEAKER_00: You know, sometimes you when you see someone who's quite traumatized, they'll kind of have this empty look in their eyes.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: This is the dorsal vagal.
6:35
SPEAKER_00: So these are the three states, okay?
6:38
SPEAKER_00: And a reactive mind, from a neurophysiological perspective, is biased towards threat.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: And as we go through life, we're always oscillating between safety and threat.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: If you find that you're quite reactive, deep down a part of you feels threatened.
6:58
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so that's something for you to know.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: And part of the practice here is to realize you're probably probably not as threatened or as much in danger as you think.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: Why do some people react more?
7:12
SPEAKER_00: As I go through this list, try and think about your own life and your own situation.
7:16
SPEAKER_00: Are you any of these?
7:18
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so first of all, temperament.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: This is important.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: 20% of infants are highly reactive, and they're biased towards being anxious or vigilant when they're adults.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: So, what was you like as a child?
7:30
SPEAKER_00: Were you more on the reactive side?
7:33
SPEAKER_00: Volatile?
7:34
SPEAKER_00: Were you known to be quite emotional as a child?
7:37
SPEAKER_00: In 20% of cases, this is just your temperament.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Not always, and you can change this, of course, but it's just good to be aware.
7:43
SPEAKER_00: Oh, this is my natural disposition.
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Or were you calm when you were young?
7:47
SPEAKER_00: And this has developed in adulthood.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: Just to be aware of that, that can be helpful.
7:53
SPEAKER_00: Attachment.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: If you have insecure attachment style, you're going to get anxious and have a lot of emotional flooding in any kind of adult conflict.
8:06
SPEAKER_00: Attachment tests are freely available online.
8:10
SPEAKER_00: I recommend you do one.
8:11
SPEAKER_00: You tend to be avoidant attachment, anxious attachment, or secure attachment.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: I used to be a lot more on the anxious attachment side.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: And if I would have conflict or distance in a relationship, my protest behavior would be to force closeness through anxiety.
8:32
SPEAKER_00: And you need to be careful because if you have anxious attachment and you get with someone who's avoidant, then that the two can play off each other, and it becomes like a cat and mouse game, and there's a lot of suffering involved.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: So if you are very anxious naturally, you have an anxious attachment style, you are better off looking for a secure partner that can help you in those types of moments.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: So I recommend doing an attachment test.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: What is your attachment style?
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Trauma.
9:00
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so chronic automatic autonomic nervous system dysregulation.
9:05
SPEAKER_00: If you've had a lot of trauma in your life, it's going to be more difficult for you to go from threat mode to safety mode and to kind of regulate your emotions.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: So ask, have I had a lot of trauma in my past?
9:18
SPEAKER_00: And if the answer is yes, then maybe it's worth looking into at least like doing some research into trauma and some courses and potentially therapy as well, if depending on the type and nature of the trauma.
9:31
SPEAKER_00: Chronic stress, what's your lifestyle like?
9:35
SPEAKER_00: So if you have sustained cortisol, then your amygdala is going to react more quickly than someone who doesn't have sustained cortisol.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: So what kind of stress do you have?
9:48
SPEAKER_00: Work stress, deadlines, people that depend on you, family obligations, difficult relationships, all of these things can contribute to stress.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: So if you have chronic stress, it's definitely a good thing to try and lower that.
10:57
SPEAKER_00: And you can you can manage all these things through stoicism.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: So stoicism can help temperament, it can help you manage anxious attachment, it can help you get more perspective on trauma, it can help you manage chronic stress.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: But it's also good to look at your lifestyle and look at things outside of stoicism as well.
11:14
SPEAKER_00: Another big one, sleep deprivation.
11:17
SPEAKER_00: Does everyone here sleep well?
11:20
SPEAKER_00: Does anyone struggle with sleep?
11:22
SPEAKER_00: On Inside Timer, sleep is one of the biggest categories.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: People do struggle with sleep, and the numbers show.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: So obviously, if you if you're stressed and then you go to bed, you're gonna have all these things on your mind, you're not gonna be able to put them down, and it's gonna be tough.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: If you have sleep deprivation, you're more likely to have a heightened amygdala reactivity.
11:57
SPEAKER_00: When I'm around my I don't notice sleep deprivation much if I'm on my own, but then if I'm around other people or kids, I feel like oh, I didn't sleep well, like I can notice it in my body.
12:11
SPEAKER_00: Whereas if I'm on my own, you can kind of distract yourself and do other things and do the things that make you feel relaxed.
12:17
SPEAKER_00: But with other people, I find the sleep deprivation shows up the most, and then things like hunger, alcohol, illness, basic stuff, like what's your relationship to substances, how healthy are you?
12:32
SPEAKER_00: Are you going hungry?
12:34
SPEAKER_00: All of these things can make a difference on how much you react.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: There's a term that's worth knowing called emotional flooding.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: This comes from Gottman.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: Um, and I like to track my workouts, I look at my heart rates, I'm I'm quite into that.
12:53
SPEAKER_00: I find it fun to track and look to see my heart rate when I'm sleeping and when I'm training and stuff.
12:59
SPEAKER_00: But you can tell a lot from a heart rate when you're going through life outside of the gym.
13:04
SPEAKER_00: Typically, if your heart rate goes above 100 beats per minute in conflict, then you you typically will find, according to Gottman's research, that your listening disappears, empathy collapses, problem solving becomes impossible, and it takes about 20 minutes to return back to baseline.
13:26
SPEAKER_00: So the body must lead the mind back to peace.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: You can't reason your way out of a flooded nervous system.
13:34
SPEAKER_00: Some people say you can't think your way out of overthinking.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: It's the same kind of thing.
13:39
SPEAKER_00: If your nervous system is hijacked, you can't just reason your way out.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: You'll find this, right?
13:48
SPEAKER_00: When you feel flustered or anxious or you have all like your heart rate is beating, you're on the verge of a panic attack.
13:54
SPEAKER_00: It's very difficult just to think your way out of it.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: You can't read a book or read a quote and suddenly feel great.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: It's very, very difficult.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: You need to learn to manage the body and work with the body, work with the mind.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: There's another quote I like by Francis Bacon.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: He says that the body is something that you need to obey if you want to command it.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: So the body to be commanded must be obeyed.
14:24
SPEAKER_00: So, in other words, realize that you have a certain biology, you have certain limitations.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: If you want to get the most out of that system, that machine, you've got to work with it, you've got to respect it, right?
14:35
SPEAKER_00: It's important.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: And you see this with people that think that they can train as much as they like and not have sleep, and eventually nature says, no, no, we won't let you do this anymore.
14:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about why that advice, just pause, is difficult in the moment.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: You have two systems, okay, in in the way that you operate.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: You have system one and system two.
15:04
SPEAKER_00: In system one, and this depends what state you're in, things are fast, automatic, effortless, you emotional, amygdala, limbic.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: If you think of someone who's playing sports in the flow, they're in system one.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: Okay, this is the reactive part of you.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: And reactivity is not always bad, is it?
15:23
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you make the right decision quickly.
15:26
SPEAKER_00: In system two, you have slowness, deliberacy, effort, analytical, prefrontal cortex, which is the newer part of our brain, and this is where the pause happens.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: So system two fails when it's under a lot of stress.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: How can you be slow, deliberate, and analytical, and engage your prefrontal cortex and use effort when you're hijacked?
15:55
SPEAKER_00: It's very difficult.
15:57
SPEAKER_00: So if you have fatigue, hunger, social pressure, any kind of emotional load, just saying switch into system two and pause.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: It's just not gonna happen.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: It's difficult.
16:09
SPEAKER_00: You're asking someone on a night out partying to suddenly do math.
16:14
SPEAKER_00: It's the same kind of thing.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: It's like switch over to a very difficult math problem when you're out partying.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Not gonna happen.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: Same as if you're in an exam hall and you're doing a really difficult problem and someone says, now go and dance.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: You can't just switch into that mode.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: So when you're hijacked, just pause doesn't help.
16:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so there's a famous quote, and when I learned this, this kind of blew my mind, right?
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Between stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that space is our power to choose our response.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: This has been quoted as being Victor Frankel's quote, the author of Man Search for Meaning, but it's actually not.
16:51
SPEAKER_00: It could be said by him because it sounds like something he'd say and it maps on to his logotherapy.
16:58
SPEAKER_00: But nowhere in Victor Frankel's work is this quote found.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: In 1963, Roland May said freedom is the individual's capacity to pause between stimulus and response.
17:11
SPEAKER_00: Okay, and then Stephen Covey, who wrote Seven Habits for Highly Effective People, he disclaimed authorship, said he found it in a library book in Hawaii, because some people thought that it came from him, and Victor Frankel did not say it, didn't come from his work.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but the quote is amazing, all right, and I do like that quote.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: But a real quote that came in the first century AD, that's potentially even better than this, comes from Epictetus, the Stoic philosopher.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: And he said, wait for me a little, impression, let me see what you are and what you represent, let me test you.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'll read that again.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: Wait for me a little, impression.
17:53
SPEAKER_00: Let me see what you are and what you represent, let me test you.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Epictetus, 2000 years ago.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: Does anyone know what that means?
18:04
SPEAKER_00: So to the Stoics, an impression is this sort of it's sort of like a sense impression, but it's not a sense in the sense of sight, sound, touch, taste.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: It's more like an image or a sensation that comes to mind, and in that there's a claim about reality.
18:22
SPEAKER_00: So if someone looks at you in a strange way, the impression could be this person doesn't like me.
18:29
SPEAKER_00: That's the impression.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: And the Stoics recognize that a lot of our suffering comes from just accepting the impressions as truth.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: And we have these all the time, we're bombarded with them, constant impressions about how things are, little claims about reality that our mind gives us that we don't really test, we just accept them.
18:50
SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about Stoic words, technical vocabulary that does help us understand psychology from a Stoic perspective.
18:58
SPEAKER_00: But here are three terms.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: So the first one is impression.
19:01
SPEAKER_00: The Stoics call this fantasia, sounds a lot like fantasy.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: And this is the raw mental event when something strikes the mind.
19:09
SPEAKER_00: This is not up to you.
19:11
SPEAKER_00: If you've ever meditated, just simple mindfulness meditation, you'll see that your mind is constantly thinking, and you're not really in control of it, it just happens on its own.
19:21
SPEAKER_00: A part of the practice of meditation is realizing, oh, I didn't even think that, I don't know where that thought came from, and I'm not going to identify with it, I'm just going to come back to the breath.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: The next term is ascent.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: Synchathesis, the Stoics called this.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: So ascent is whether you agree or disagree with the impression.
19:45
SPEAKER_00: The word that I like for this is endorsement.
19:48
SPEAKER_00: And so if you had an impression that someone looked at you the wrong way and they and you had the impression that they were disrespecting you, you may have all of the emotions in your body as if that's true, right?
20:01
SPEAKER_00: They are now disrespecting you.
20:03
SPEAKER_00: I would ask you, do you endorse that belief?
20:06
SPEAKER_00: How much money would you put on the line that's true?
20:10
SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it would be like, Yes, I definitely believe that's true.
20:13
SPEAKER_00: Other times, if you start playing with it, you go, actually, I could be wrong.
20:17
SPEAKER_00: I could be wrong about that.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: I don't actually know.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: So maybe I shouldn't endorse it, maybe I shouldn't fight over it, maybe I shouldn't argue over it.
20:26
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the time we are endorsing impressions that we haven't tested.
20:30
SPEAKER_00: So we are assenting to impressions.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: If you remember, Epitetus is saying, wait for me a little impression.
20:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
20:39
SPEAKER_00: So wait for me.
20:40
SPEAKER_00: Don't carry me away.
20:42
SPEAKER_00: Let me see what you are, what you represent.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: Let me test you, let me challenge you.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Don't just drag me into this story.
20:51
SPEAKER_00: And then the third technical term is home.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: This is the impulse to action.
20:57
SPEAKER_00: And this comes after ascent.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: So the three stages of emotion and reactivity is you have an impression, and in that impression, you have a claim about reality.
21:11
SPEAKER_00: You'll notice when you react, you react for a reason.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: You react because there's a certain claim that your mind is making.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: And then ascent, do you ascend to it or not?
21:21
SPEAKER_00: A lot of the time we ascend to it without thinking.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: An epictetus is saying, Don't do that.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: And then we have this impulse to act, which follows ascent.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: Now, the first stage, impressions, fantasia, is not up to you.
21:34
SPEAKER_00: That's involuntary, that just happens.
21:36
SPEAKER_00: But sankathesis is definitely up to you.
21:41
SPEAKER_00: You can question what the mind presents to you.
21:45
SPEAKER_00: And so, in some sense, that is where your power comes from.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: Okay, it's between the impression and the ascent, the stimulus and the response.
21:58
SPEAKER_00: Okay, now let's look at the stoic pause protocol that to me is a lot better than just stop or just pause.
22:08
SPEAKER_00: So we're going to be using the acronym PAUS, PAUSE.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: You can make a note of this if you have a notebook handy.
22:15
SPEAKER_00: So the P stands for perceive.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so perceive the impression and breathe.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: Notice.
22:22
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's an impression.
22:25
SPEAKER_00: The A is for acknowledge.
22:26
SPEAKER_00: What do you feel?
22:28
SPEAKER_00: Name it.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: The U is for unhook.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: Unhook from the story.
22:34
SPEAKER_00: Remember that it's just an impression.
22:37
SPEAKER_00: It is just an impression.
22:39
SPEAKER_00: The S is sort.
22:41
SPEAKER_00: What's yours and what isn't?
22:43
SPEAKER_00: The dichotomy of control.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: Some things in life you have complete control over, some things in life you don't have complete control over.
22:52
SPEAKER_00: Most of the things external.
22:53
SPEAKER_00: To you, you don't have complete control over.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: Engage from your rational faculty.
22:59
SPEAKER_00: So perceive the impression, acknowledge what you feel, name it, and hook from the story.
23:05
SPEAKER_00: Realize that it's just an impression.
23:07
SPEAKER_00: Sort what's yours and what is not yours, and then engage from a place of reason.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: That is the pause protocol, the stoic pause.
23:17
SPEAKER_00: And that step can be done very quickly, but that is a lot more useful than just pause, just stop.
23:25
SPEAKER_00: Let's double-click on these individually so we can spend some more time on it.
23:29
SPEAKER_00: So, as we've seen with the perceive, right?
23:33
SPEAKER_00: Epictetus says, wait for me a little impression, let me see what you are.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: This comes from the discourses.
23:40
SPEAKER_00: So there's a stoic term called prosoki, which is sort of like stoic mindfulness, it's a type of continuous attention.
23:49
SPEAKER_00: And you need this for any other stoic exercise to work.
23:54
SPEAKER_00: You can't possibly test an impression if you haven't noticed it.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: So step one is kind of mindfulness.
24:00
SPEAKER_00: That's why I think mindfulness can help stoicism.
24:03
SPEAKER_00: Stoicism can help mindfulness.
24:06
SPEAKER_00: There's no way you can test your impressions if you don't even know they're happening.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: That's step one.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: So in a way, Epictetus by necessity would have had to have been very mindful to have even noticed the things his mind was presenting to him.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: And mindfulness can be practiced in a formal concentrate on the breath type meditation, but it can also be practiced throughout the day, and you can also practice looking at your thoughts as they come and they go.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: So there's nothing magical or special about paying attention to sound, thoughts, breath, body sensations is all part of the same route of mindfulness, paying attention continuously.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: And then in the modern world, the parallel is interoception and the physiological psi.
24:56
SPEAKER_00: So this is where you take a long inhale two times.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: So you take a full inhale, then a little one at the top, and then you take a long exhale, and that's the physiological sigh.
25:08
SPEAKER_00: So the idea here is we notice the impression, we pause, we notice the body signal, and then we do a physiological sigh.
25:20
SPEAKER_00: This is perceive P.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: That's the first thing we do when we feel reactive.
25:25
SPEAKER_00: Notice impression, take a physiological sigh.
25:32
SPEAKER_00: Now, let's run through how we can catch an impression together now.
25:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna ask you to think about something.
25:37
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be a really quick exercise.
25:39
SPEAKER_00: Bring to mind something small that bothered you.
25:43
SPEAKER_00: Ideally, fairly recently.
25:45
SPEAKER_00: Just keep it in mind loosely.
25:48
SPEAKER_00: And notice what your body does with this impression.
25:54
SPEAKER_00: Notice your chest, your jaw, your breath.
26:00
SPEAKER_00: That body sensation is signal that the impression is arriving.
26:07
SPEAKER_00: Epictetus called a fantasia.
26:10
SPEAKER_00: It comes without your permission, it's not your fault.
26:13
SPEAKER_00: Your body's making it happen.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: Now take one physiological sigh.
26:18
SPEAKER_00: Inhale through the nose, a small extra sip of A on the top of that, and then a long slow exhale through the mouth.
26:26
SPEAKER_00: Do it one more.
26:27
SPEAKER_00: Inhale, sip at the top, and then long exhale.
26:33
SPEAKER_00: Now you should feel a tiny small amount of softening, not life-changing amount, but that is the gap.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: And in that gap, the rest of the exercise can work.
26:47
SPEAKER_00: Okay, you don't need a huge gap, you just need enough to not react.
26:52
SPEAKER_00: So the P stands for perceive, the next is acknowledge for A.
26:56
SPEAKER_00: Marcus Aurelius says, recognize what is happening to yourself or another.
27:01
SPEAKER_00: He says that in Meditations, book 7, chapter 29.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: So there's a stoic term called hupo numenta matter.
27:14
SPEAKER_00: It's the stoic practice of putting feelings into language, and this is the first move of philosophy.
27:22
SPEAKER_00: If you can't translate feelings and sensations into language, you're gonna be stuck.
27:30
SPEAKER_00: And there's a lot of research in the modern world about this too.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: It's called affect labeling.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: And a lot of science now is showing that when you name an emotion, it reduces the amygdala hijacking, it reduces the activation.
27:44
SPEAKER_00: The catchphrase is name it to tame it.
27:47
SPEAKER_00: So if you feel anxious, going, oh, I feel anxious, fear, anxiety, reactivity, triggered, these things do help.
27:57
SPEAKER_00: It helps put it, slow it down.
27:59
SPEAKER_00: One of the reasons why toddlers have tantrums is because they haven't learned to be able to express their emotions through language, so they have to express it through their body.
28:11
SPEAKER_00: So name it one word silently.
28:16
SPEAKER_00: Anger, fear, hurt, embarrassed, don't analyze, just name it.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: This is just such a great practice in general to start naming your emotion and the things that get difficult.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Journaling is growing so popular.
28:33
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, it could be.
28:57
SPEAKER_00: Memories become messed up when you structure it in language and actually write it, it's different from when you speak it.
29:06
SPEAKER_00: There's certain rules you follow when you write that you don't follow when you speak, you have to be more conscious.
29:14
SPEAKER_00: Nonviolent communication helps a lot with naming feelings and tying them to needs.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Amazing, yeah.
29:19
SPEAKER_00: Nonviolent communication is amazing for that if you can actually practice it.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, a lot of people read nonviolent communication, but then don't actually apply it on a regular basis.
29:29
SPEAKER_00: But if you can make it a way of life, so good, definitely.
29:35
SPEAKER_00: So let's look at the break on the brain.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so your amygdala is activated.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: When you put a feeling into a word, it slows down.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: You essentially put the break on it, the reactive part of your mind quietens down.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so this is the word is the break of the amygdala.
30:02
SPEAKER_00: That's a good way to think about it.
30:04
SPEAKER_00: So let's look at the U.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
30:06
SPEAKER_00: So we've looked at P perceive, A acknowledge, U is unhook.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: Epictetus says you are an impression and not at all the thing you claim to represent.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so in Stoicism, the idea is that, as you know, impressions come to us with the truth claim, and they're often catastrophic claims.
30:30
SPEAKER_00: If you look at CBT, there's a lot of catastrophization, black and white thinking, mind reading, labeling, personalization.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: Marcus believed that we strip the legend that encrusts the event.
30:44
SPEAKER_00: Okay, the catastrophe is one interpretation, but it's not the only interpretation.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: One of the things that I've been focusing on a lot at the moment is confirmation bias.
30:55
SPEAKER_00: You know how confirmation bias is this tricky bias we have where when we believe something, we seek information that confirms our belief, and then we ignore evidence that challenges it.
31:09
SPEAKER_00: And this is what creates echo chambers and social media feeds where people are only getting shown things that they already believe that reinforces their belief.
31:19
SPEAKER_00: And then it's very difficult to become balanced and whole and wise if we're only willing to look at things that tell us we're right, because that's not where growth is.
31:29
SPEAKER_00: And so one of the things that we can do to challenge confirmation bias is to ask this question that could be painful, but it's very good.
31:37
SPEAKER_00: What would I notice if I believed the opposite?
31:41
SPEAKER_00: What would I notice if I believed the opposite?
31:44
SPEAKER_00: It just at least makes your mind think and perceive things slightly differently rather than through this lens of your own bias.
31:55
SPEAKER_00: Cognitive distancing or diffusioning, diffusion.
31:59
SPEAKER_00: Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy calls it decentering.
32:04
SPEAKER_00: Acceptance and commitment therapy calls it diffusion.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: So the idea is we look at the thought, not through the thought.
32:14
SPEAKER_00: This is exactly what Epictetus is doing here.
32:19
SPEAKER_00: He's not looking through the lens of the thought, he's looking at the lens itself.
32:26
SPEAKER_00: Seeing as we're all on inside timer, seen as we're all meditators interested in philosophy and spirituality, this shouldn't be that revelatory for us that we don't accept our thoughts as facts.
32:38
SPEAKER_00: And this is just more of that, more unhooking.
32:41
SPEAKER_00: So we can say silently to the impression, you are just an impression.
32:45
SPEAKER_00: Your story, my mind is telling me.
33:11
SPEAKER_00: Something like that, right?
33:13
SPEAKER_00: The impression quickly could come to mind that they don't like me, they don't value me, they don't think I'm good, maybe I'm not good, maybe I suck, maybe I need a new job.
33:23
SPEAKER_00: They're not actually my friends.
33:25
SPEAKER_00: These impressions start flooding the mind.
33:28
SPEAKER_00: We are looking through the thought.
33:31
SPEAKER_00: The thought is telling us how to perceive.
33:34
SPEAKER_00: Whereas what we want to do now is we want to look at the thought.
33:37
SPEAKER_00: Oh, my mind is thinking these things.
33:40
SPEAKER_00: Oh, interesting.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: Now I'm not gonna accept them as facts, I don't know that.
33:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm just gonna observe that my mind is coming up with these theories about other people and myself and my role and my job.
33:51
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna pause.
33:53
SPEAKER_00: Is there a different interpretation that I can think about here?
33:56
SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's it.
34:02
SPEAKER_00: The S in pause.
34:05
SPEAKER_00: I know this was asked about just now, is the sort.
34:09
SPEAKER_00: So Epictetus says some things are up to us and some things are not.
34:15
SPEAKER_00: There's a a great intellectual and researcher called Pierre Hadot, and he called this the fundamental rule of life.
34:25
SPEAKER_00: And this maps onto Prosorchi, which is the stoic mindfulness.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: Marcus returns to it constantly, and it it's the thing that opens up Epictetus' handbook.
34:35
SPEAKER_00: Some things are up to us, and some things are not.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: So much of the suffering you experience comes from trying to control and manage things that are not completely up to you.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: Other people's reactions, what other people think, whether you get this thing that is not completely up to you, external things, possessions, opportunities, career changes, so much of your suffering is bound up in things that are not up to you.
35:08
SPEAKER_00: So you need to say what part is up to me and what part isn't, and then we try to let go and drop the things that are not up to us.
35:16
SPEAKER_00: If you want to know a quick reference of the things that are up to you versus not up to you, according to the Stoics, the things that are up to you are your judgments, your tone, your next breath, your next sentence, the meaning you give to situations, how you frame it, your character.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: Not up to you would be another person's tone, another person's words, another person's motives, there the outcome of anything, really.
35:42
SPEAKER_00: It's not completely up to you.
35:45
SPEAKER_00: What's already happened, the past, not up to you.
35:48
SPEAKER_00: Whether another person apologizes, your reputation, your body, you can do everything right and still get ill.
35:56
SPEAKER_00: You can aim as well as you can possibly aim and still miss the target.
36:01
SPEAKER_00: That is just reality, that's life.
36:04
SPEAKER_00: Now, really important, just because things are not up to you doesn't mean you don't care about them.
36:09
SPEAKER_00: It's natural, obviously, to care about not being in extreme poverty.
36:15
SPEAKER_00: It's natural to want health, obviously.
36:18
SPEAKER_00: But the Stoics would say, yes, so focus on what's up to you instead of focusing on all the things you don't control.
36:25
SPEAKER_00: Just do what you can and be happy with that, and you'll be more effective and suffer less.
36:33
SPEAKER_00: And the E, the final in the acronym for pause, is engage.
36:37
SPEAKER_00: Marcus Aurelius says objective judgment now, unselfish action now, willing acceptance now.
36:44
SPEAKER_00: That's all you need.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: There's a term called proharisis, and this is the rational faculty of moral choice.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: Epictetus says that it's our one true self, it's the capacity to choose the response, and the response is what it means to be free.
37:05
SPEAKER_00: So your ability to choose in the moment what you will or won't do is freedom.
37:09
SPEAKER_00: It's not having lots of money, it's not having loads of possessions, it's not having this lavish lifestyle, it's the ability to make a choice in the moment.
37:22
SPEAKER_00: Siegel says that Siegel is a scientist, and along with Goldwitzer, he has something called implementation intentions, which I talked about in a previous workshop.
37:34
SPEAKER_00: They say if X happens, then I'll do Y.
37:37
SPEAKER_00: And this is something similar.
37:39
SPEAKER_00: This is a way for you to use this ability to choose in a structured way.
37:44
SPEAKER_00: So you can always ask the question: what does the version of me that I would like to be do here?
37:50
SPEAKER_00: What does the best version of me do in this situation?
37:53
SPEAKER_00: And then just do that.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: Don't choose your mood over your values.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: And I think that's a big part of getting to the next level in life is figuring out your values, and then as you go through life, trying to make decisions based on those values.
38:16
SPEAKER_00: So if you have a value that you want to be kind to other people and you want to do the right thing, and then suddenly you're in a situation where you're tempted to do the opposite, what are you going to listen to?
38:29
SPEAKER_00: Your mood or the values that you've rationally and calmly come up with?
38:32
SPEAKER_00: And the Stoics uh were big fans of living a life according to these virtues and always keeping them in mind.
38:40
SPEAKER_00: So the 30-second version is simply notice one sigh and wait.
38:46
SPEAKER_00: That's the P.
38:47
SPEAKER_00: Name it one word.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: The U, it's just an impression.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: S, mine or not mine, sort.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: E, what is the best version of me?
38:57
SPEAKER_00: Do now.
38:59
SPEAKER_00: So let's run the whole protocol.
39:02
SPEAKER_00: We'll do it live.
39:04
SPEAKER_00: So bring to mind one thing.
39:06
SPEAKER_00: It could be a conversation, something current, something that's triggering you or upsetting you that you find you you want to react to.
39:15
SPEAKER_00: Okay, just bring it to mind.
39:20
SPEAKER_00: And we're gonna go through the pause protocol.
39:22
SPEAKER_00: Notice the body.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: One physiological sigh.
39:25
SPEAKER_00: Ten seconds.
39:30
SPEAKER_00: What's the feeling?
39:31
SPEAKER_00: Say it just one word silently to yourself.
39:38
SPEAKER_00: Now looking at this story, this impression, this emotion, just say to it as if it's a living thing, you are just an impression.
39:47
SPEAKER_00: You are the story that my mind is telling me Now sort it.
39:59
SPEAKER_00: What's not up to you here?
40:02
SPEAKER_00: Set that down.
40:04
SPEAKER_00: And more importantly, what is up to you?
40:07
SPEAKER_00: Hold on to that.
40:18
SPEAKER_00: And then what does the version of me I'd respect do in this situation?
40:24
SPEAKER_00: One sentence and just one action is enough.
40:34
SPEAKER_00: And when you've done this, just commit silently using an implementation intention.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: When I see this trigger, I will take this action.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: And you can think about that into the future.
40:54
SPEAKER_00: So the simple idea of the pause, just pause.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't work because knowing something isn't the same as doing something.
41:02
SPEAKER_00: When you're reactive, you don't have much prefrontal cortex access.
41:07
SPEAKER_00: And that's when you need it the most.
41:09
SPEAKER_00: Willpower depletes.
41:11
SPEAKER_00: Sleep, hunger, stress, social load, chores, they reduce cognitive resources that you need to pause.
41:20
SPEAKER_00: Okay?
41:21
SPEAKER_00: If you have a goal like I'll be karma, you might get a 30% success rate on that.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: But implementation intentions such as if X then Y, they have a much higher likelihood to succeed.
41:33
SPEAKER_00: And habits beat willpower.
41:39
SPEAKER_00: And the key is you've got to do this over time.
41:43
SPEAKER_00: Doing this today will make a difference.
41:48
SPEAKER_00: But reactivity repeated will become your character.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: You'll become a reactive character.
41:53
SPEAKER_00: The pause repeated will become your character, a calm character.
41:58
SPEAKER_00: Marcus Aurelius says your mind will take on the character of your most frequent thoughts.
42:02
SPEAKER_00: Souls are dyed by thoughts.
42:07
SPEAKER_00: Can we choose our mood though, or is it fake it till you make it?
42:12
SPEAKER_00: That's a good question, and to me, that's a bit like the classic chicken and the egg dilemma that we face.
42:21
SPEAKER_00: Where if you're assenting to impressions, then you're probably not like that, are not gonna serve you.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna not gonna be in a good mood.
42:33
SPEAKER_00: And then if you're not in a good mood, you're gonna be more reactive, and then if you're more reactive, you're gonna be ascending to impressions and not pausing, so it can create a cycle, and vice versa.
42:43
SPEAKER_00: If you start thinking more clearly, then you're likely to be in a better mood.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: And if you're in a better mood, you're gonna have more space to think more clearly.
42:52
SPEAKER_00: So no one can just choose their mood, but you can so the Stoics would say that your mood is the thing that comes at the end of a series of steps.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: So when those steps have taken place and there's already a lot of momentum, it's difficult then to just change your mood.
43:12
SPEAKER_00: But if you get good at catching it early, that makes all the difference.
43:17
SPEAKER_00: Okay, so yes and no is the answer to that question of changing your mood.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: Maybe not when it's taken hold, but you can get better at navigating it early, and then you can swim the waters of your emotions much more skillfully.
43:34
SPEAKER_00: Atoraxia is the uh is the term for stoic equanimity, and people sometimes get it wrong because people think that ataraxia is like numbness or being tough or not feeling anything or suppressing your feelings or detaching from life.
43:53
SPEAKER_00: Wrong.
43:54
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
43:54
SPEAKER_00: Ataraxia is feeling without being consumed, it's angry and still just.
44:05
SPEAKER_00: You can be afraid and still brave, you can be hurt and still be kind, you can be free of disordered passions but still have emotions.
44:16
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
44:18
SPEAKER_00: So a couple of quick takeaways.
44:21
SPEAKER_00: We looked at the polyvagal theory, so this is the three-state language, is a useful frame.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: We looked at the 12 millisecond figure, so in the blink of an eye, your amygdala comes online.
44:34
SPEAKER_00: Okay, we looked at the Victor Frankel quote, and we see that he didn't actually say between stimulus and response.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: If I could say, remember one thing, it would be wait for me a little impression.
44:50
SPEAKER_00: And I recommend you write it down and practice with it.
44:55
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be very difficult for this to make any difference in your life at all if you don't actually start repping it out.
45:05
SPEAKER_00: Just think of this as a piece of s technology.
45:09
SPEAKER_00: You know, hey, here's a piece of technology, go try it, go put it into your life.
45:13
SPEAKER_00: Think of it like an app.
45:14
SPEAKER_00: If I just gave you a new app on your phone.
45:16
SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, I'll try that.
45:17
SPEAKER_00: This is an app.
45:18
SPEAKER_00: This system, this pause protocol is one of those things.
45:21
SPEAKER_00: It's a piece of tech.
45:23
SPEAKER_00: Try it out.
45:24
SPEAKER_00: It's a combination of ancient and modern that is gonna help, especially if you have a reactive mind.
45:33
SPEAKER_00: Okay, guys, I will see you.
45:35
SPEAKER_00: Uh I hope you have a great day.
45:37
SPEAKER_00: Remember to pause.
45:39
SPEAKER_00: And we're all here, we're all supporting you.
45:41
SPEAKER_00: You got this.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: Bye, guys.
45:44
SPEAKER_00: Talk soon.