Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #780 Parental Guidance Recap - Payback for Bullies?

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#780 Parental Guidance Recap - Payback for Bullies? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers. Now two nights of amazing parenting television. How
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: much fun is French guidance. It's riveting, It's riveting. So
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: after episode one, the is.
• 0:20
  Speaker 3: Riveting for the whole family.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: Our kids just love it.
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: The our Back Parents were voted as the family the
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: parents that everyone in the parental Guidance room wanted to
• 0:30
  Speaker 2: see more of. Last night we had an unexpected surprise
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: Kat our honest parent spoiler alert by the way, it
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  Speaker 2: was voted through to the next round, eclipsing everybody else.
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  Speaker 2: But there was some stuff to talk about from last night.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: Holy cow.
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  Speaker 3: After the first night, Yes, the out Back Parents.
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: Were, they were flying, they had their moment in.
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  Speaker 3: The sun, but they kind of crashed last night.
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  Speaker 2: And this is what I said, I think when we
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: spoke yesterday. I've had so many conversations about this now,
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: but the show highlights the strength same week. This is
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: of every style and that means everyone looks good, but
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: everyone also has a moment where they don't look great.
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  Speaker 3: But isn't that real life?
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  Speaker 2: I think it is every single day we do things
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: that look really good, and we do things that don't
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  Speaker 2: look so well.
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  Speaker 3: It's not even about the look as much as it is.
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  Speaker 3: Some days it feels great and you feel like you're
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: on top of the mountain, you've literally nailed it, and
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  Speaker 3: then the next breath, you've just completely messed it all up.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, So we need to talk about
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: the conversation. So first off, the first major challenge. It
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: was really great TV, the bystander effect. You've got a child,
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: they're in a park, A couple of kids come into
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: the park, they're bullying each other, and then they try
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: to rope your child into do the bullying.
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  Speaker 4: Just remember that we're looking at these incidences from a
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: bystander point of view too.
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  Speaker 2: Your kids involved.
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  Speaker 1: Are being bullied.
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  Speaker 2: We want to see if these children have been taught
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  Speaker 2: how to intervene and not be a bystander. So this
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  Speaker 2: kid stolen the hat running around here, take the hat
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  Speaker 2: run hey, I mean my hat back can help you cat.
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: I think it's why this was really heartening to watch.
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  Speaker 3: These kids were.
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  Speaker 2: Young, yeah, like five, six, seven years old.
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  Speaker 3: Young kids, and yet each of them completely held their
• 2:18
  Speaker 3: own and didn't involve themselves, but also didn't leave anyone
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: feeling bad either. I just loved it.
• 2:26
  Speaker 2: You know. My favorite one was Levi from the Gentle Parents,
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: when the kids saying, she can't even do a cartwheel?
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: Neither, Isn't she a stupid baby? She does dumb thing
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: at school, she can't even do a cartwheel.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: And then he questioned them, and yeah, I just thought
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: that was super strong, really really great stuff. But we
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: saw each of the families shine. Each of the families
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: had kids who were like, yeah, bullying's not cool, I'm
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: not part of this. Here's the hat back. I really
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: loved that. But there was a comment that came from
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: the outback parents that set the room a light.
• 3:00
  Speaker 5: As our back parents, we've always told them, if it
• 3:03
  Speaker 5: comes to it and they're putting their hands on you
• 3:06
  Speaker 5: and the teachers aren't doing anything, then you're allowed to retaliate.
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  Speaker 5: Good smack in the face is going to pull them
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  Speaker 5: up pretty quick.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: I also found it really interesting the way the outback
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: dad defended this position. There's also a lot of young
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: boys that die from being king hit in the face.
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  Speaker 6: If you run away, good chance you're going to get
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  Speaker 6: king hit. If you stand up and face it, and
• 3:28
  Speaker 6: you stand up to that problem and you punch them
• 3:30
  Speaker 6: back in the face. While you're getting hit, You've got
• 3:32
  Speaker 6: a lot less chance of being hurt than what you
• 3:34
  Speaker 6: do sitting there cobbing it, getting kicked in the ribs
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  Speaker 6: and stomping on the ground. If they're getting smacked in
• 3:38
  Speaker 6: the face, smack them back.
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  Speaker 2: You see. To me, if you're running away, you're less
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: likely to get king hit. It's when you're either not
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: expecting it or you're facing up to somebody.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm not entirely sure I get that either, because
• 3:52
  Speaker 3: you plenty of times you turn your back and that's
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: when somebody kind of slogs you from behind.
• 3:57
  Speaker 2: We'll run fast. But I think the main thing that
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: we need to talk about here.
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  Speaker 3: Is is it okay?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Like this really divided the room. Getting your kids
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: to stick up for themselves. I mean, this is the
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: sort of thing that blows the Internet up. It blows
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  Speaker 2: Facebook cup. This is that question if your child is
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: being bullied, there's physical altercations occurring, or it's just incessant
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  Speaker 2: and nothing's working, does their cup point where it's okay
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  Speaker 2: to say, hey, kiddo, you need to stick up for
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  Speaker 2: yourself here. And sometimes the only way you can reason
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: with somebody is with your fists.
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  Speaker 3: I got the impression, and clearly we'll never know, but
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  Speaker 3: I got the impression that there were people in that
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  Speaker 3: room who had experienced a level of bullying or been
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: on the other side of it.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: And.
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  Speaker 3: Just to listen to each person's perspective. And I don't
• 4:47
  Speaker 3: think it's a clean cut answer. I think that it's
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: very easy when you're sitting in your comfy chair in
• 4:53
  Speaker 3: your laund room and life is easy to think that
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  Speaker 3: you have a black white answer. But I think that unfortunately,
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: this is not one of those challenges that necessarily has
• 5:07
  Speaker 3: a black and white answer.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm firmly on the you don't hit so.
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  Speaker 3: Much, I think one hundred percent.
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  Speaker 2: But for I think context is really important and I'm
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: disinclined to say you never hit.
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  Speaker 3: And I think that that's the difference that too many
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  Speaker 3: times kids have been taught not to defend themselves and
• 5:27
  Speaker 3: end up stuck on the ground being beaten in the
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  Speaker 3: billios out of.
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  Speaker 2: But at the same time, you don't want your first
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  Speaker 2: thing to be good.
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  Speaker 5: Smack in the face is going to pull them up
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  Speaker 5: pretty quick.
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  Speaker 3: That's right. And the challenge we have is where trying
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: to teach this too, and immature inexperienced child. It's hard
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: enough for adults to know how to act in certain situations,
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  Speaker 3: and yet we're expecting that our kids are going to
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  Speaker 3: understand the nuance behind when it's appropriate and when it's not.
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  Speaker 2: So I think we need some parental guidance to this
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: first half of our conversation because there's more to talk
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: about from the episode.
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  Speaker 3: Well, from your perspective, is it okay?
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  Speaker 2: No, except in the most extreme circumstances. No, like except yes?
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  Speaker 2: And so if I was talking to a child about this,
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: and the likelihood that our children, I mean, we have
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: six daughters, this is not a typical thing. I know
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: that girls are being violent more now than they ever have,
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: but it's still really unusual, especially when you compare it
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: to the amount of times that boys will be violent
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: with one another. The position that I'm going to take
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: really clearly is we teach our kids that we look
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: for non violent responses in every case, but if there
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: is ever a real threat, option one is always to
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: get away. Option one is always to get away. But
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: if the threat remains real, or if the threat continues
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  Speaker 2: day in and day out and we can't find any
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  Speaker 2: kind of help. Then I'm chafing. I don't even want
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  Speaker 2: to say it now, you know what interesting? No, No, I'm back.
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  Speaker 2: I'm literally I want to wrestle with this and keep
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: the podcast going without any edits. I'm wrestling with it
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  Speaker 2: because as soon as I was about to say, if
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: you have to punch them back, do it, I can't
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  Speaker 2: say that because you know what happens the next day
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  Speaker 2: the kid shows up with three friends, or you do
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: punch them back, but the kid is bigger and you
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: lose three teeth, or somebody gets king hit and they
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: get knocked out, or they hit their head on the concrete,
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  Speaker 2: and I just have to come back to know. No,
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  Speaker 2: I don't care if you live in the country. I
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  Speaker 2: don't care if you live in the city. I don't
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  Speaker 2: care what your context is or what your circumstances are.
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  Speaker 2: There has to be a non violent way out of
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  Speaker 2: this every time, and once you're out of the situation,
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  Speaker 2: that's when you get the help that you need so
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  Speaker 2: that it doesn't become an ongoing problem. We just have
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  Speaker 2: to teach our kids that violence isn't the answer, because
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  Speaker 2: if they do some real damage, they will be charged,
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  Speaker 2: they will be in trouble for it. But if they
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  Speaker 2: don't do a real damage, they may be the one
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  Speaker 2: that gets damaged. And I'll tell you what if I
• 7:59
  Speaker 2: said to my one of my kids, if there's a
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: bully that's giving you a hard time, you just punch
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  Speaker 2: them in the face. And my child did, and they
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  Speaker 2: didn't do it hard enough to actually end the bullying.
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  Speaker 2: If that bully then got stuck in my child and
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  Speaker 2: broken arm or broken nose or chipped teeth, I couldn't
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  Speaker 2: live with myself because my child would look at me
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  Speaker 2: and say, I did what you said, Dad. I couldn't
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  Speaker 2: take that.
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  Speaker 1: No.
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  Speaker 3: Why What interests me is how strong they are in
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: their stance and yet you I mean, obviously their boys
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  Speaker 3: are quite young.
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  Speaker 2: And the God they're such a good family.
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  Speaker 3: And jellic kids, like there isn't a rough and tumble
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  Speaker 3: bone in their body from what we've seen so far.
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  Speaker 2: And to be really clear, David and Tensei are fantastic.
• 8:39
  Speaker 2: I love them. Every family on that show is really
• 8:41
  Speaker 2: really top notch. But this attitude divides people, so Kylie.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: From a professional perspective, I'm going to say the outback
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  Speaker 2: parents on this one are wrong and we have to
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  Speaker 2: teach our children non violent responses, whether that means getting help,
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: whether that means calling mum, regardless. I mean, I have
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: a friend who had a thirteen to fourteen year old
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  Speaker 2: son who was literally being bullied at school and then
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: chased home from school, and at one point the bullies
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: hung out out the front of the house. They weren't trespassing,
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  Speaker 2: they were just hanging out on the footpath in front
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  Speaker 2: of the house and taunting this kid and his family,
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: And so the family called the police, and in the end,
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: the boys were expelled from the school. Like it got nasty,
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: But the boy wisely chose not to retaliate with violence.
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: Had he retaliated to the bullies with his fists, I'm
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: sure he would have been hospitalized or worse. It's just
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: not the right way.
• 9:36
  Speaker 3: So to paint. I guess a different picture though. If
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: I'm in a situation as a woman and I'm attacked,
• 9:44
  Speaker 3: I'm not going to walk away. I'm going to do
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: everything I can to protect myself in spite of the
• 9:49
  Speaker 3: fact that i.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: Am going to lose. So this is a different scenario.
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: Oh keep it, That's what I'm saying.
• 9:53
  Speaker 2: There's a difference between bullying and being attacked. So if
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: physical altercations begin, you can longer run away, You defend yourself,
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: You do what you have to. That's a totally different
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: class of scenario. I'm talking about the pushing, the shoving,
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: the cajoling, the name calling, the bullying, the hassling, the shoving,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: the pushing up against the wall. Whilever you've got the
• 10:13
  Speaker 2: option to get away, you get away, of course. But
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: if it turns into a wrestle, if it turns into
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: hands on and you can't get away, you defend yourself.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: And because at that point you're you're about to get
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: hurt anyway, so you do whatever you can to inflict
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: the image and get away.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: And I guess that's where I'm coming from, and I
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: just want to make that really clip. I'm one hundred
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: percent behind you, and I have always been nonviolent.
• 10:34
  Speaker 2: So have I confused the issue now?
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: Maybe I'm just saying it's it's not black and white,
• 10:40
  Speaker 3: and I think that we need I don't know what
• 10:43
  Speaker 3: the answer is, but I'm not going to tell my
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: kid to stay on the ground and just continue to
• 10:49
  Speaker 3: be kicked in the head.
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: Of course, never of course, So my response nonviolent and
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: get away. But if it turns into a physical confrontation.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: Defend yourself at all costs.
• 10:59
  Speaker 3: Thank you.
• 11:02
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about the second big issue. Now, there were
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: a lot of things that came out of this one,
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: but let's talk about the second big issue from episode
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: two of Parental Guidance.
• 11:11
  Speaker 3: Well, I've got lots and lots to say about lots
• 11:13
  Speaker 3: and lots of things, but I think we might actually
• 11:16
  Speaker 3: end up having to do an episode on Thursday to
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: talk about some of the things that just kind of
• 11:20
  Speaker 3: came out of the show as opposed to necessarily specifically
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: out of the challenges.
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: So let's do this one fairly briefly because our time
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: is getting away already.
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: Tomorrow, will do briefly.
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: Do you know what? I had so much to say
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: in the show, But I think I talked too much
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: because some of my great points just didn't make it
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: because I think I take too long to make them.
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: I need to be better for season three.
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: Well, we obviously they did the lost Child challenge.
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: Let's talk about that tomorrow. I want to talk about
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: facing fears.
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: But the thing that really stood out of this one,
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: outside of the bullying, was that challenge where they had
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: to have one kid face their fears and climb up
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: a pole.
• 11:54
  Speaker 6: How high is this?
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: This is twenty one meters.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: If you food down there, would you die?
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: I don't know if you noticed. But different kids, because
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: they were obviously in different places, they were climbing up
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: different things. So one of the kids was only jumping
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: off ten meters, there was another kid jumping off twenty
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: five meters. And then you had a kid who was
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: not on a platform. He climbed up a telegraph pole. Yes,
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: now I've done that, and that scared the living daylights
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: out of me. So these kids, really they did something hard.
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: I want to play some audio. This is from the
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: gentle parents with little LEVI so scared to do this?
• 12:33
  Speaker 5: Do I have to?
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I reckon, you can do it.
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: What do you think as a gentle parent, I'm not
• 12:38
  Speaker 3: going to force him and say you have to do this.
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: What do you think you have to help him feel safe?
• 12:46
  Speaker 5: I think you're probably going to have a harness and
• 12:49
  Speaker 5: be buckled in excited to.
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: Do the jump to day. Yes, maybe we're going to
• 12:55
  Speaker 4: put you in a harness. I'll go around your legs,
• 12:57
  Speaker 4: around your arm. You need to take one big step off,
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: fly all the way to the ground.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: You could fly. Who else to fly?
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Superman only? I'll fly.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: That is pretty special. I've never flown like this before.
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: You're ready?
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: Should we go?
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Get your arms?
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: So I'm not gonna lie. He literally had me in tears.
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: I didn't think he was going to do it, and
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: I was so excited when he did.
• 13:21
  Speaker 3: And it seemed effortless.
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you're ready for one.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: You've got your flag. Very big step, big step, big step,
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: big step. Yeah, he lava.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: You did it.
• 13:38
  Speaker 3: Once he set his mind to do it, it was
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: just done.
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: But that's their point, and it kind of lines up
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: really nicely with a lot of the principles that I teach.
• 13:46
  Speaker 2: When you give your kids autonomy, they'll make their own decisions,
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: and they make decisions and carry them out like that.
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: Autonomy support is so powerful. I also really enjoyed the
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: honest parent cat and the way that her little guy
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: Jesse neurodivergent, terrified, and then boom, I don't.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: Want to do this. I don't want to do this, Jessie.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: I'm so proud of you. You got this man both
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: hands on the blue YEP.
• 14:17
  Speaker 5: There.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: That was awesome. So we need to talk about You've
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: already mentioned that the Lighthouse parents had that super scary approach,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: and their autonomy support was first class. This I think
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: was the ultimate example of autonomy support that I've seen
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: in the entire show. Every step you take, these men
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: are watching you and ready to catch all.
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: Right, So what are you going to be today?
• 15:00
  Speaker 5: Good child?
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: She's amazing, feeling brave, Yeah, feeling strong. Yeah, you can
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: do this.
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: I know you can.
• 15:15
  Speaker 3: I love what mom did. Yeah, but holy smokes, Pepper,
• 15:20
  Speaker 3: she's knocked it out of the park. And the fact
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: that she was able to support her sibling in such
• 15:27
  Speaker 3: a beautiful and powerful way, it was just so heartening.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: So let's talk about the Outback parents. I know that
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: I feel like we've given her a pretty hard time
• 15:35
  Speaker 2: in this podcast. Like I said, they're great people. I
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: really enjoyed getting a no David intense and they've got
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: gorgeous kids, and I think they're going to be just fine.
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: But we have to talk about what happened here.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Do you do it now? No more, I'm not going
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: to get hurt.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: I could feel a bit of tension in the room.
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: You were sitting next to me, and you could feel
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: the tension of me. And I've already seen it. I
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: can feel the tension again now.
• 16:16
  Speaker 3: And you know, incomplete and utter honesty, I have been
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: that parent. I have been that parent. No shaping about
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: shaming them. But what a beautiful representation and contrast that
• 16:34
  Speaker 3: we saw in what worked out to be beautifully supportive
• 16:39
  Speaker 3: and what wasn't.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: What I loved as well, though, was when they watched
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: it back, they said.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: I think we've probably pushed a little bit too much.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: It was hard to watch like they saw it, they
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: could feel it, they knew, And that's that's a.
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: Powerful and that's that's exactly right. While we're watching people's
• 16:55
  Speaker 3: pobles and their weaknesses come out so brave, it's it's
• 17:00
  Speaker 3: helping others, yes through the process because even though you
• 17:04
  Speaker 3: might not do that, you actually now see why you
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: wouldn't do that. You actually understand why you're doing things
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: in a totally different way. And if you are that
• 17:13
  Speaker 3: parent and you are in that space, then seeing it
• 17:17
  Speaker 3: played back to you is just powerful.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: So some professional tips for how to know whether or
• 17:24
  Speaker 2: not to get your kids to face their fears and
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: place them under pressure.
• 17:28
  Speaker 3: My question is, how do we be discerning about how
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: far is too far to push our kids?
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: We've wrestled with this with six children now with all
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: kinds of activities. In fact, we're literally wrestling with it
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: right now with one of our children who wants to
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: stop swimming lessons. She's too young to stop. We've made
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: a commitment to all of our kids that we're going
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: to make sure that they can swim competently. Because we've had.
• 17:52
  Speaker 3: This discussion with fifteen year olds we're having with a
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: nine year olds.
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: Gosh, and we're like, no, no, no, not yet. And
• 17:59
  Speaker 2: so this is the pre suit. How hard do you push?
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Why do you push? How do you explain your ration?
• 18:03
  Speaker 3: But this is a totally different conversation. These kids were
• 18:05
  Speaker 3: facing a fear as opposed.
• 18:07
  Speaker 2: To I supposed all lack of motivation. That's right, all right,
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: So when it comes to facing fears, do you know
• 18:11
  Speaker 2: what that line from Pepper? I think that that's a
• 18:16
  Speaker 2: powerful line for every parent to remember.
• 18:18
  Speaker 3: I wonder.
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: It's hard, isn't it. Well, I so I'm watching you
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: grapple with it, and I'm not sure what to say.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: One of the things that I have tried really hard
• 18:30
  Speaker 3: to do is to show my kids that I'm willing
• 18:34
  Speaker 3: to try things even when I'm scared.
• 18:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 18:38
  Speaker 3: And to most people, the things that I'm scared of
• 18:40
  Speaker 3: are very silly scary. You recog so you know, jumping
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: from a five meter platform into the water is not
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: a big deal to a lot of people. But my
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: body literally freezes. And the kids know that, and they're
• 18:53
  Speaker 3: in the water and they're screaming at me to give
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: it a go. And it takes me a long time
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: to actually get to a point where I can let
• 19:00
  Speaker 3: go and actually do it. And no matter how many
• 19:03
  Speaker 3: times I do it, it's the same fear every single time.
• 19:06
  Speaker 3: The exposure therapy is not working for me, and I
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: will scream the bios out of it, and everybody says,
• 19:16
  Speaker 3: why do you have to scream? It scares me, but
• 19:19
  Speaker 3: I'm willing to do it because I want them to
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: see that I'm I'm not going to miss out just
• 19:26
  Speaker 3: because I'm scared. And I enjoy the process once I've
• 19:30
  Speaker 3: done it, but it's still I'm still scared.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Here's here's my take on it. We give the kids
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: the opportunity, We say, here, we are, this is what
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: we're doing. You don't have to join it if you want,
• 19:41
  Speaker 2: but I'm doing it, and we'd love for you to
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: be part of it. That's the approach we've taken with
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: most scary things, whether it's a roller coaster ride at
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: a theme park, whether it's jumping off some rocks at
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: a lagoon or a We have a.
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: Couple of really good rollers coaster photos.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yep, over the years, we do. I'm thinking of
• 19:58
  Speaker 2: the time where we were at Poon up near Rockhampton
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: and we swam out to an island called Creek Rock
• 20:06
  Speaker 2: that was about ak and a half offshore and there
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: were stingrays and who knows what else in the water,
• 20:11
  Speaker 2: and it was terrifying, and we just said, kids, we're
• 20:15
  Speaker 2: going to do this. You don't have to do it.
• 20:17
  Speaker 2: And well, let's be fair, we didn't know what was
• 20:20
  Speaker 2: in the water until everybody told us. But the thing
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: is the kids came with us until they'd had enough,
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: and then some of them went back, and that was
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: just fine. There was no shame. It's like, Okay, well
• 20:31
  Speaker 2: we're giving a go, and I feel like that's the
• 20:33
  Speaker 2: right balance. We're doing it, we're excited to do it.
• 20:36
  Speaker 2: We'd love for you to join us. I guess the
• 20:38
  Speaker 2: only time that's an issue is when it's all of
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: us or none of us. That's the only time it
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: gets really tricky. And then I think you have to
• 20:45
  Speaker 2: let the person who was terrified actually make the determination.
• 20:49
  Speaker 2: It's not okay to traumatize somebody just because you want
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: to have a cheap thrill.
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: So what about the comments that were made that they
• 20:56
  Speaker 3: would regret this for the rest of our lives.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: I don't know that anybody's going to regret not jumping
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: off a telegraph pole for the rest of their life. However,
• 21:04
  Speaker 2: what doing it does is it gives you a sense
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: of competence, that is that basic psychological need. It satisfies that,
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: it reinforces competence, and it builds confidence. And I really think,
• 21:17
  Speaker 2: I mean, we talk all the time about these three
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: basic psychological needs from my book The Pairing Revolution.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: When am I going to feel competent?
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: We talk all the time about feeling competent. We need
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: to teach our kids about this, and we need to say,
• 21:29
  Speaker 2: if you do this, you're going to feel strong because
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: it's a hard thing. We've got that saying in our
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: family we do hard things.
• 21:36
  Speaker 3: Am I going to feel it when I jump off
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: ten meters instead of five? Is that when I'm supposed
• 21:40
  Speaker 3: to feel it?
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: Hey, we've gone way over time. We need to wrap
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: this up. I hope that's a helpful review. I hope
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: there's also a handful of useful parenting tips in there,
• 21:48
  Speaker 2: because this is the podcast for the time poor parent
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: who just wants answers now. Hopefully, while Parental Guidance is on,
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: you're not feeling quite so time poor because our episodes
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: are going to go over time every time. There's so
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: much to talk about. Tomorrow it's a big review episode
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: where we kind of talk about all the stuff that
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: we haven't had a chance to talk about because we
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: get a breather until next week. More episodes on the Telly.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: Next week. Tomorrow we review all the stuff we haven't
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: talked about, because gosh, there's some heavy stuff on the
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: Happy Family podcast, which is produced by Justin Ruland from
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer. For more
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: information about French Guidance, well, you find it all over
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: the web or on our Facebook page, or just visit
• 22:25
  Speaker 2: Happy families dot com dot au to make your family happy.