Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep29: Harvesting Laughter/ Greg Warren's Cornfield Comedy Special

Transcript

S1 Ep29: Harvesting Laughter/ Greg Warren's Cornfield Comedy Special · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: So this thing all started a while ago.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Iowa and I was doing a show and there was a bunch of farmers in the crowd.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't know anything about farming.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: So I asked this guy, I go, what do you farm?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, beans?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, like green beans.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: And they all started laughing at me like I was the dumbest person they'd ever made.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, thanks, we go, green beans and a well.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's a good one there, green beans.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Green beans and available, don't that be it all?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: This fella is a comedian, I'll tell you.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was soybeans.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, it was soybeans.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, green beans, that's not that ridiculous of an answer.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's a real food.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've eaten them before.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't say jelly beans, okay?
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I said I said a legitimate vegetable.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what the plants look like.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know corn.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know corn.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like I I could pick corn out of a lineup, but pass that.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I get confused.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, is that a potato tree?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I can't tell.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not sure.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: You should be nice to people when they don't know something.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I was brought up.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I live in the suburbs of St.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: Louis.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: I hope one of those farm guys comes to the suburbs sometime.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I won't be so nice to him.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take him and do like some, you know, suburb stuff or whatever.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take him to the Texas Roadhouse.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: He won't know what to do there.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Where's the bowl for the peanut shells?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You throw them on the floor, dummy! Ah ha ha ha ha! You don't know what to do in the suburbs, you stupid bean picker.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take him as Starbucks.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take a large coffee.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's called Venti here.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Venti, dirt digger.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be ordering beans either.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: They got beans here, but they're coffee beans, arabica, robusta, no soy.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_00: Then the Burista will be like, well, technically we have soybeans and soy lattes, and I'll be like, you shut your mouth, hippie.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: All right, you don't take sides against your own kind.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: We're on the same team.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I told that story later, and this lady came up to me after the show.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, hey, I'm a farmer.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Don't feel bad about the beans.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, I met this guy the other day.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't know the difference between field corn and sweet corn.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Ha ha ha ha ha.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: What a dummy.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know how earlier when I said I know corn?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, there's two different kinds.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, yeah, on the cob and not on the cob.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, no, it's field and sweet.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, sweet.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're talking about kettle corn.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I've had it.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: So if you don't know the difference between field corn and sweet corn, field corn, that's what they grind up and they feed to the animals, and sweet corn, that's what we eat.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: And once they explain it, it's very easy to remember because field corn is grown in a field.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas sweet corn is grown in a field.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: So you can see these farmers make it real easy to understand their stuff.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: When I was in Iowa, I went to the restaurant and on the front page of the menu it said uh we make our own ketchups.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: They were bragging about their homemade ketchup.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, I'm not sure that I knew ketchup was made.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: I think I think I thought that was an element.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that was K on the periodic table.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: It turns out that's potassium, which makes no sense at all.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: There's not even a K in that word.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're gonna tell me RN is not for ranch dressing.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you take a science class?
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_00: I I tried one of their homemade ketchups, it was not good.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, granted, I think it was field ketchup, but so I, you know, I I don't know a lot about farming, I guess.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: You can see.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean the closest thing that I do to farming on a regular basis is sometimes when I'm at the grocery store, you know, I'll buy stuff out of the bulk bins.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying it's as hard as farming, I'm just saying there's a lot of similarities.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta shovel out the walnuts, you know.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta put the walnuts in a bag, you gotta weigh the bag.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: Farmers are always weighing stuff.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta you gotta write the POU code number on the bag.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times there's not even a pen to write that POU code number on the bag.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you take it up to the register, the lady's like, you're supposed to write the code number on the bag.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, lady, there's not a pen to write that code number on honestly.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I think about it, it's probably harder than farming.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you don't have all those steps in farming.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to deal with that lady.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And why do I have to write the code number on the bag anyway?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: They're walnuts.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you work at a grocery store, you should be able to identify a walnut.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's that should be part of the hiring process.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: What's that right there?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's a peacant.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, you can't work here, man.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: You're fired.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: But they were like, no, we gotta know whether they're organic walnuts or regular walnuts.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, organic walnuts are 78 bucks a pound, and I'm not a Saudi Arabian prince.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm pretty sure they're not organic walnuts.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: There's like six guys in the world that can afford organic walnuts, and none of them just used a frequent shopper card.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like the first farmer that I really ever knew was through wrestling.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I was a wrestler when I was in college.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: My senior year, my coach called me in for a meeting.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, Warren, he goes, you need more competition in the practice room.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, This is what we're doing this year.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're bringing in this guy named Steve.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: He's a local farmer.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: He used to wrestle back in the day.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: He was real good.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, all right, I'll wrestle farmer Steve.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Steve shows up the first day, he's old.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: He's like 45, all right?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: When you see a guy that's 45 and you're 20, he's like, I'm not gonna wrestle that guy.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'll play checkers with him or something like that.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So for the first like hour of practice, Steve just sits down on the wall like an old guy.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, the coach goes, uh, Warren, wrestle Steve.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I go, Steve, you want to warm up?
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Steve goes like this, he goes, it's not a wrestling stance.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I look at my buddy, I go, I don't want to hurt this old dude.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then they blew the whistle.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Steve jumped about a foot and a half in the air.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: He grabbed me by my chin and my head.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: He threw me on the mat and proceeded to beat me, like beat me.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I say beat me, I don't mean he scored more points than me.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: He physically beat me.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: It was like he beat me over the head with me.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right, come to find out.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: Steve is on the Olympic team in 1980.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody told me that.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_00: You guys remember what happened in 1980?
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: We boycotted, we didn't go, and apparently, Steve was still angry about it.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: I was on the bottom line, Steve, I'm not Jimmy Carter.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I have nothing to do.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: If you guys don't remember what happened in 1980, that summer the Olympics were in Moscow, and in the spring the Russians invaded Afghanistan, and our president said, Hey, if you guys don't get out of Afghanistan, we're not going to the Olympics.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what he could have done was just send Steve to Afghanistan.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: He would have handled that situation in about a half an hour.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: No more Steve, very bad man, no more Steve.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: We quit, we quit.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: You have Afghanistan.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: You have Russia if you want.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Just for God's sake, please, no more Steve.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Very, very bad man, Steve.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, man, that's uh that's my limitation of farm knowledge.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: Steve, you know, and it wasn't pleasant.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: But I've been trying to learn.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: I've been trying to learn.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Ever since those bean pickers made fun of me, I've been learning some, I've already learned some stuff.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: I learned this, um, corn, that is the number one cash crop in the United States.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know that.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Mostly because I don't know what a cash crop is.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: I think it means like corn, that's a very popular vegetable.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the corn farmers they only accept cash.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Whereas your lesser vegetables, like a Brussels sprout, uh, they'll take diners club.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: You could use a TJ Maxx card for some asparagus, I'm pretty sure.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: I also learned this if you're hanging out with a bunch of farmers and one of them has their fly down, just say, hey man, your fly's down.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: Don't say, somebody forgot to shut the barn door.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: They flip out.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Randy, I told you to shut that! That's our livelihood.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I uh and I've been visiting places.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: I I actually went uh to a farm festival uh here in Illinois, a little bit south here, in Millstad, Illinois.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it was it was like it was cool.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: They had all this farm stuff.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's like a thousand people there.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: I took my niece, it was cool.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: We did farm stuff.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like uh we went in a corn maze.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um it was tough, you know, it was hard.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's it was pretty it was it was way harder than the cabbage maze.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I mean that was I can see it all from here.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: We uh you know we did do we sat on a hay bale and watched a country band, and that's the only chairs they have at a farm festival is a hay bale.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I felt guilty because you know the horse is probably looking at you like, yeah, man, um I was gonna eat that.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you sit on me all day long, now you want to sit on my food.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Anything else you want to sit on?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh hey, those are pony rides over there.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: You want to sit on my kids?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks a lot, you jerk.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: But we're sitting on this, uh we're sitting on this hay bale, and this guy comes up, he goes, they're getting ready to shoot the pumpkin.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what that means, but I mean, it sounds they wheel out this giant cannon.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was like a war cannon, and they just put a pumpkin in it and they shot it.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Far and high and fast and beautiful.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Like I went to the Grand Canyon a couple months ago, and if you haven't been, go, because it's breathtaking.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: But after about six minutes there, I was like, I wish they had a pumpkin cannon.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, this is it's nice and all, but after a while it's just rocks.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, shoot some vegetables, give me some action.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I'm not a dad.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: If I was a dad, I would be honest.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I would be honest.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, you know, my my child was born today.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Today was the greatest day of my life, except for when I saw that pumpkin cannon in Millstad, Illinois.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: That was way better.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: That was that was way better.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I mean, I would be honest.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: Dads, whenever dads start talking about the greatest day of their life, they always backtrack, you know.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: The Cardinals won the World Series.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is the greatest day of my life.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know, except for my wedding day and uh the birth of my three children.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: That was better, definitely.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: My wife's not here, is she?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: At least once I'd like to hear some guy the Cardinals won the World Series! This is ten times better than when my stupid kid was born.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I love my kid, but the day he was born, I just met him.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: I've been a Cardinals fan for 54 years, man.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: My dad's a big St.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: Louis Cardinal baseball fan.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: He loves him.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, he really likes the baseball, but more importantly, the Cardinals have this promotion where if they score six or more runs in a game, he gets his coffee the next day at the gas station for 39 cents.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And normally I think it's about 59 cents.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: So you can see it's very important to him.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a big part of his life.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And we're watching the game one time, and it's late in the game.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: The Cardinals are they're winning like five to nothing.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I think like, you know, bottom of the eighth or something.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: And basically they had the game won.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: But he's locked in because he hadn't gotten his coffee yet.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: And our best hitter came up and he grounded into a double play to end the inning, and my dad looked at me and goes, Seems kind of fishy, huh?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they're point shaven, Dad.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're point shaving.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the Cardinals are in collusion with mobile on the run.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't save 20 cents on your coffee tomorrow.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like I would call the FBI, dad.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: This has got to go to the top.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: This is important.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: This is the next Chicago White Sox scandal.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, my uh my dad uh he was he was uh a high school wrestling coach.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: He was my wrestling coach uh in high school.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was pretty cool because um I was like one of the only white guys on the team.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I was you know your first day of high school when you're a freshman and you're really nervous and scared.
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't because I knew all the guys on the wrestling team except for my dad.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: I knew Byron the Blassing game.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: He was the toughest guy in the whole school, and and he was cool to me.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: He was really nice to me.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Every time he'd see me in the hallway and go, Lil' Warren.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Where your daddy at?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Where your daddy at, Lil' Warren?
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was Byron's way of saying hi.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like he really didn't want to know where my dad was, but I was like a Dorothy White kid, so I'm like, I think he's at the bank, Byron.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: Lil Warren say his daddy at the bank.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I got it after a while.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I, you know, I got it.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Where your daddy at, Lil Warren?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Byron.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank God later, like he really didn't need to know where my dad was.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like in an emergency.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Lil Warren, the gym on fire! Where your daddy at?
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-huh.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: Where your daddy at, Byron?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, you know, I said, I'm not a farmer or I don't know anything about it.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know anything about like any kind of blue-collar job.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I respect people that work with their hands.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't know anything about it.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: I met this guy recently.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, yeah, I'm an iron worker.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I have nothing.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: I go, that's just sturdy metal.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Done some work with aluminum.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: Foil mostly.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Wrapping snacks and stuff like that.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: You guys got a foil over there in iron?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: No?
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I yeah, I mean, my dad was a wrestling coach.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's a blue-collar job.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: My grandpa was a butcher, very blue-collar.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know past that.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not a big ancestry guy.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I got ancestors.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just don't.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I know my parents, I just don't go that far back.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody else is into it.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: All these ancestry.com commercials, just some woman.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought my whole life I was Norwegian.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: It turns out I'm Chinese.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, you should have known.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: Frankly, I saw it right away.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: I could have told you.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are not Norwegian.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I used to wear later hoes and now I gotta wear a kilt.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't gotta wear anything, sir.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: Pants, actually, that's an option.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's what they wear in Germany and Ireland today.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just want to play dress up.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: Let's not blame your ancestors on it.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, the blue collar guys, they're more like, you know, like uh a lot of testosterone.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how much testosterone I have left.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm starting to get worried.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I listen to a lot of sports radio, and that's the only people that advertise on sports radio, the low testosterone clinics.
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have low tea?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel as good as you did when you were 24?
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: I don't feel as good as I did yesterday, to be real honest with you.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that's the way the world worked.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: You get a little worse every day, and then you die.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't know.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's a pretty serious medical procedure, by the way, to inject your body with hormones.
• 17:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna go to a place with a serious sounding name, preferably with the word doctor at the front of it.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: These places have like silly wordplay names like come on down to man sanity.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, no, no, I'm not going there.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not getting a transplant at Liverama Fun World either.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: If I ever hear, hey, do you have high blood sugar?
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: You can't die of beat these prices.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's also.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: We have seven locations.
• 18:25
  SPEAKER_00: We are glue, glue, glue, glue close to you.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_00: Not a farm guy.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a I'm a suburb guy.
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's uh I'm a suburb guy.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I think a lot of people say the suburbs is like a soft life.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's easy.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's tough.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of tough stuff.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um I had a problem at the Red Lobster the other day.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: It was serious.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, here's what happened.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: My waitress thought that I was poor.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not, okay?
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not rich.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna stand up here and brag you guys about how much money I make, but let's just say I can walk into a red lobster and get whatever, okay?
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm making that kind of cash.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm pulling that down.
• 19:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying every day, but I'm saying two, three times a month I can walk in there, and I'm not looking at the prices, okay?
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and not just during lobster fest.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying on a regular Tuesday, I'm doing fine.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I was wearing like my third best shirt.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: This is six.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I didn't look poor.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what happened.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: I I go, uh, I'll take the trout and I want some asparagus.
• 19:37
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Oh, sir, asparagus is a premium size.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what does that mean?
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: It's real good?
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, it's extra.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, how much?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: She goes,$1.29.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I can swing it.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I mean, I'm gonna have to call my guy.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, we're we're gonna have to move some stuff around.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Probably put off retirement for a couple years, but I I I want the asparagus.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: Matter of fact, I want three asparaguses or three asparagus.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm trying to say is I can spare a guy, okay?
• 20:10
  SPEAKER_00: I I I got plenty of guys.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna I I I'm gonna keep the girls, but you know.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like it when they tell you how many sides you can have at the restaurant.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: I went to this place, I go, I'll take the salmon, I want a baked potato, and I want to serve.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: You only get one side.
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: I get however many sides I say I get.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a grown man, alright?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: I decide the sides.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the side decider.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'll make it rain sides up in here.
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: I want all the sides.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: I want them all twice, okay?
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: I want a baked potato twice.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about a twice baked potato.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_00: I want two baked potatoes side by side.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: I want a roast beef sandwich, sir.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a side.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, then you put it on the side.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: I call it dot.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want rice pilaf.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: And between me and you guys, I have no idea what rice pilaf is.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: I went to five different restaurants and I ordered rice pilaf, and it was completely different at every restaurant.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: These pilaf farmers need to standardize their product.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you that right now.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I Googled it.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: Very loose definition.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_00: From what I can tell, rice pilaf is rice with anything else you want to put in it.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: Anything.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: You know how sometimes you drop your phone in the toilet and you gotta put it in rice to dry it out.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_00: Technically, that's rice pilof, okay?
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's a Pilophian dish.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, man, the suburbs, there's stuff that happens there.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: I I had a I had a problem at this place called First Watch.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's a breakfast joint, you know, tough place.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um I go in there and they're like, it's a 20.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Minute wait, I'm like, okay, I can handle it, I'll do my time, you know.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm sitting in the chair, I'm reading the paper, and I I guess this woman came in after me and she had a baby, and you know, I didn't see her.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I seen her, I'd have offered her my chair, but I didn't see her.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: So what she did, she just stood right next to me.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: She starts talking to her baby.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_00: But she's talking to me.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: All right, like, no, no, no, there's no way for us to sit down.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: There's no way for us to sit down! There's no way for us.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't see you.
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_00: Here, you here, you can you can have my chair, you know?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: And then, you know, I stood right next to her.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't have a baby, all right?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I just started talking about newspaper.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nah nah, newspaper, we gotta give her the chair.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, the tactic she's using that's called passive aggressive newspaper.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: She's uh she's a gutless woman.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: And she is using her infant child in the charade.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: She's miserable.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not afraid of an altercation.
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: The suburbs are crumbling.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: They are.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I saw this the other day.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: I saw a Domino's pizza being delivered to a McDonald's.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's not supposed to happen, okay?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like I get it.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: It was probably the kids that work at McDonald's got tired of eating hamburgers.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's order a pizza.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: They should have told the guy to go around back.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: He was in line at McDonald's holding a pizza.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: It didn't look good.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I I get it.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: You guys been to McDonald's lately?
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody that works there is a kid.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_00: I want to talk to your supervisor.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_00: We'll go get Mr.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Smith.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: Mr.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Smith's 15, all right?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: We wouldn't go get our district manager, but his mom said he had too much homework.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: He can't come to work until next Thursday.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Customer service is gone.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't exist, right?
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I just have a rule now.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: If I if I give you money, you just say thank you.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 23:49
  SPEAKER_00: You just say thank you, okay?
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: And they don't do it.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: They don't say thank you half the time.
• 23:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was in this place uh and I gave them like 300 bucks.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: I paid 300 bucks for something, and the girl goes, Hey, how did you hear about us?
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's none of your business how I heard about you.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_00: Why don't you just be happy that I did hear about you?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: Next time that happens, I'm just gonna make something up to throw them off their little marketing research.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_00: How'd you hear about us?
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I belong to a lot of hate groups, and uh they told me I was supposed to shop here.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: They said for every dollar I spent here, 68 cents goes back to the hate group.
• 24:20
  SPEAKER_00: All the hate groups, even my favorite hate group, the I hate the people that ask, How'd you hear about us, hate group?
• 24:26
  SPEAKER_00: How'd you hear about us?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Japanese newspaper, full page ad in there.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Sir, we don't advertise in Japan.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I saw what I saw.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: Uh you should be grateful, but that's not really your strong suit, is it?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: I had another, this is probably like the you know the uh toughest uh issue.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um I'll give you some background, okay?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: So my favorite snack is mixed nuts.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's I like mixed nuts.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: And like when I eat mixed nuts, I don't have nine mixed nuts.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: I I eat as many mixed nuts as I can until I'm very uncomfortable, and then I have 11 more handfuls of mixed nuts.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's so I go to this, you know, I go I was in the hotel and I got a gift shop, I'm hungry, real hungry, and I see these uh I see I don't even see the whole package.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_00: I just read the m and the uts, alright?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I want it.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: It looks like a uh good package, like experienced nut mixers or whatever.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I get it.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_00: I I don't even look at it.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: I pay for it, don't look at it, I go up to the the room, I don't even look at it, I start eating it.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm watching TV, I'm just shoving handfuls in my mouth, and there's nuts in there, fine, but there's pistachios in there, fine, but they have shells on them.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: The pistachios have shells on them, and the rest of the mixed nuts do not have shells on them.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: That's wrong, isn't it?
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's dangerous.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like that, hey, thanks.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Could you also put some toy army men legs in those mixed nuts?
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's a it's a that's a crime.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: That's and and the thing is, man, like it really bothers me because they're lazy.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: They are so lazy.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows pistachios, that's the easiest nut to take the shell off of.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, they like they hatch, like they they hatch, like they they hatch.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_00: Nature does 83% of the work for you.
• 26:05
  SPEAKER_00: You just flick it and they're open.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: I can understand if it's a walnut.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: You ever try to take a walnut shell off?
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's hard.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when you eat them at Christmas time, by the time you get one off, it's Valentine's Day.
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like that.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I uh you can tell you kind of a complainer.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also lazy.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm too lazy to be a farmer.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: I know that.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, when you say what you want about the farmers, but they they work.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like they work.
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just look at what they make their kids do.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: You ever heard a farm kid talk about his chores?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: When I was a kid, if I said I did my chores, that meant I rolled rolled the garbage cans down the driveway on Tuesday and my brother did it on Thursday.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if if I didn't do my chores, I got grounded.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: If a farm kid doesn't do his chores, the bank forecloses on the family spark.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: The stakes are high over there, man.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, man, I'm uh I'm I'm lazy.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know, here's how lazy I am.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was at the airport the other day and my shoe was untied, and I was like, I'm not feeling it.
• 27:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I passed a shoe shine guy and he goes, shine them up.
• 27:34
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, how much to tie them?
• 27:40
  SPEAKER_00: It was three dollars per pair.
• 27:42
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, only one was untied, but I was like, hey, as long as I'm paying you the three, like, untie that one and retire it.
• 27:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's this is it, we had a deal.
• 27:48
  SPEAKER_00: And this is how lazy I am.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was on Facebook and my friend Dort posted, I ran a half marathon.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I posted, congrats.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: She ran 13 miles, and I was too lazy to write you lations.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_00: We're all lazy though.
• 28:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's just, I mean, it's just we're all lazy.
• 28:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's walk around your house, Alexa, turn on the lights.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_00: Alexa, turn off the lights, Alexa, turn on the stove.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what took me three weeks to realize in order for that to work, you have to have Alexa.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: But the laziness is not all my fault.
• 28:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, uh, I got some some problems.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: I got some physical limitations.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: I got plantar fasciitis.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's not funny.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, that's not funny.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's it it's a serious disease, okay?
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's not funny.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: It hurts, okay?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: My foot hurts, and I've been dealing with it for a while.
• 28:55
  SPEAKER_00: So I go to the doctor and they tell me, you know, you want to just roll your foot over a rolling pin.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's their advice.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: Roll your foot over a rolling pin.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried it for a while, went back.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, it doesn't work.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, yeah, definitely more rolling pins.
• 29:06
  SPEAKER_00: So I did it.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: By the way, you don't want to eat homemade cookies at my house.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so I'm just rolling my foot over a rolling pin all the time, and I finally, like, after nine months, I went back, I'm like, it's not working.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_00: They go, uh, triple up the roll.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I want an MRI.
• 29:23
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, eh, you have to be really, really angry to get those things with the way the insurance works.
• 29:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I go, I want an MRI now, or I'm burning this office down.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, sir, that's what we were looking for.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can have the MRI, no problem.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, like the MRI, I don't know if you've had one, but whoever invented that machine, that is a sick person.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh here's how I think the meeting went through.
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, all right, we got this new machine.
• 29:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the people that are gonna be using it, they're gonna be injured, so they'll be nervous, they're also gonna be claustrophobic because we are shoving them in a tube.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: So the way we should put them at ease is to make this thing sound like they're being riddled with machine gun fire.
• 30:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're in there, it's quiet, and then you hear it's just how you doing in there.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: I think I'm hit.
• 30:29
  SPEAKER_00: Don't be gonna stand still for you.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's a real calming noise, isn't it?
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Their second choice was uh I also had to get some blood taken, which I don't like needles.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like I hate 'em.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: And to make matters worse, the blood sticker guy, you know, that guy, he uh he started using poor grammar.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: He goes, This ain't gonna hurt.
• 31:05
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing that.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: All right, we're not, we're not, no, no, we're not, we're not.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can't use uh like poor grammar and do medical stuff to somebody.
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because if he says this ain't gonna hurt, I'm thinking, well, he may ain't not know the difference between a vein and an artery, all right?
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: He may ain't have remembered to wash the disease blood out of that syringe before he stuck it inside of me.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: We're not doing this, okay?
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're not doing this.
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not his fault.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: The guy was probably good at school and science and bad at English, but I don't care, man.
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: It's a confidence thing.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if you want your kid to be a doctor, you make sure they do well in science and English.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if for some reason your kid cannot do well in English, teach them a foreign accent.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: All right, like, because we all know if the doctor's like, me, not the uh, hobbyo ten, hobby, hobby, is the mother guy's a genius.
• 32:00
  SPEAKER_00: You do whatever you gotta do, dog.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_00: I went to college with you foreign guys.
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: You were always in the library when I was drunk.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: You do what you gotta do, man.
• 32:08
  SPEAKER_00: I trust you.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your poor grammar equals high M can't score.
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing, like, it's just medicine.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm not a snob.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to fix my car, I don't care if you use poor grammar.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: Matter of fact, I'd prefer you did.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_00: If the mechanics like that, their transmission ain't never ever gonna work again.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, I guess I need a new transmission.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: Obviously, this guy knows what he's talking about.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: He's butchering the English language, he's probably at the top of his field.
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: I better not know, wait no more longer for this, no more.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: No, not.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_00: I walk by a construction site the other day, I heard 37 swear words in under a minute.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that is gonna be a sturdy building.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: You ever walk by a construction site and hear somebody say, darn it, or shoot, that thing's coming down.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm trying to say is education is important, but we all have different levels of education.
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: All right, you know, that's fine.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: Makes us more interesting.
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: She was really nice.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: We started talking in line.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Yeah, my doctor says I need to start reading labels.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: She had kids.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, if I can't pronounce 20 ingredients on that label, he said I should not feed that item to my child.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's pretty good advice.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Depending on your level of education, right?
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: If the mom's like, I guess that kid's not getting milk, all right.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: Doesn't seem fair.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: I can't feed my child Malik.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: Education's important, you know.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm educated.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: I uh I graduated college, I got a degree in journalism, and uh very quickly got a job as a bus boy at Denny's.
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: I did, I did, yeah.
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was uh yeah, I was uh I was a waiter before I went to college and I came out a busboy.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: If I would have gone to grad school, I am pretty sure I could have made dishwasher.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: I think I could have done it.
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm college educated, but a lot of times you wouldn't know it.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_00: I have done some really dumb stuff like lately, this summer.
• 34:36
  SPEAKER_00: I started the summer off dumb.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: I can't top it.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what happened I was at my brother's house, and there's like a there's like a barbecue there.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_00: He had all his friends there, and everybody's inside, and I walked outside and there was some bug spray on the picnic table, and I started spraying myself, and my sister-in-law walked out, she goes, What are you doing?
• 34:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm putting bug spray on, Kelly.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, I'm like, I'll pay for my part of the bug spray if it's a problem, Kelly.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, that's not bug spray.
• 35:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what is it?
• 35:03
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, that's the falger.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, what's the fogger?
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: If you if you guys don't know what the falger is, it's this thing where like one person puts on a hazmat suit, they evacuate the area, they spray the bath lawn with the falger, and then bugs die for a 55-mile radius.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: I put it on my face, alright?
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like a lock out of my mouth, so I have six months to live.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_00: The good news is those six months will be insect-free.
• 35:28
  SPEAKER_00: No bugs will come in and make a minute.
• 35:30
  SPEAKER_00: Working higher than me.
• 35:31
  SPEAKER_00: I just go to people's houses now, and I sit down and then all the bugs die.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: I killed a cat, I didn't mean to, it jumped in my lap.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how I'm gonna top that this summer.
• 35:43
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe eat a citronella candle.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing, I should have known, because I remember like right before I sprayed myself.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: I I remember looking at the bug spray, and I was like, that doesn't look like a normal bug spray can.
• 35:59
  SPEAKER_00: It looked, the spout looks too wide.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: It looks it looks like an air horn.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: At that point, I should have read the label, but I was like, no, it's probably like a half air horn, half bug spray product.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: Something you would use at an outdoor sporting event, you know, like you know, like shit.
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's the dumbest thing I've done.
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the dumbest thing I said, I I was at my friend's house and I was in the bathroom, and there's this painting in the bathroom, and in the bottom left-hand corner it had these pencil markings, it said 23 slash 100.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: That means that's the 23rd print that they made of that painting in a series of 100.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: The people at the party had to tell me that because I walked outside and I said, Hey, I like that painting in your bathroom.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why the teacher gave that guy 23 out of 100.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: I would have given him like a 98.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yeah, sure the sun is off-center, but you don't take off 77 points for something like that.
• 37:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've done some dumb stuff.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_00: I I I bought a$55 umbrella.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: Hear me out.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: It was raining, and you know, I went into the store and I was like, I want that one.
• 37:31
  SPEAKER_00: It was 11 bucks, and the sales guy was good.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he was really good.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he started showing me all these features on the$55 umbrella.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wow, there have been a lot of advances in umbrella technology.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I got it home, and I was like, there have been no advances in umbrella technology.
• 37:48
  SPEAKER_00: Those weren't features, like, they all open.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um that's bad, because if I ever do wind up destitute, I know my friends, that'll be the example.
• 37:55
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, what happened to Warren?
• 37:57
  SPEAKER_00: I heard he was homeless.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the guy was buying$55 umbrellas.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_00: I saw it coming.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good with money.
• 38:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just not.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not good with money.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I made a bunch, I just I used it.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: I you I used it all, and I guess you're not supposed to.
• 38:14
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think I have a face that looks like I'm more responsible than I am, because when I tell people that, they're like, well, you saved some.
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I didn't.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, well, you still have your retirement from when you worked at Procter and Gamble.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I cash that out.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, if you cash that out, there are some serious penalties.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you're telling me.
• 38:35
  SPEAKER_00: Like, extremely serious.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Really, I mean, unnecessarily serious, draconian, really.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and then they start yelling at me about compounding interest, which I don't know.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: If I would have known about it, I probably would have compounded some, but I didn't know about it.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: Greg, you gotta understand compounding interest.
• 38:50
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta start saving when you're young because you get interest, then you get interest on the interest, then you get interest on that interest that you got interest on.
• 38:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, Greg, you gotta understand the math.
• 39:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, well, Marty, you gotta understand the physics.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_00: I can't go back and do that, alright?
• 39:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm 50.
• 39:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm 50.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know what's compounding right now?
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: The consequences for my poor decisions in life.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: They're piling up.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 39:20
  SPEAKER_01: There's no time travel.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_00: If there was time travel, I wouldn't make the best use of it.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: This is how I would use time travel.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't have eaten that.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would go back like 13 minutes to before I ate it.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would eat it again.
• 39:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would go back like 13 minutes to before I ate it.
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then I would I would live in a loop.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: I would live in a 13-minute loop.
• 39:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would experience 13 minutes of time.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: My friends would be like, Greg, we went to the Middle Ages.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, I went to Pizza Hut again.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, like I when I drive around at night, I listen to these financial radio shows.
• 40:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's I don't I don't have any financials.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I do.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: And they're all the same.
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's some guy talking to somebody young.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, hey, you're uh you're 26.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you just you just gotta get in the habit of saving.
• 40:29
  SPEAKER_00: You're fine now, just get in the habit of saving.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_00: You get in the habit of saving.
• 40:32
  SPEAKER_00: What you don't want to do is wait until you're 50.
• 40:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then the guy goes on to pretty much describe, I mean, short of saying my name, he is talking about me.
• 40:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I know you're talking about me, man.
• 40:45
  SPEAKER_00: Just say my name.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 40:46
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody knows you're talking about me.
• 40:50
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the bad example.
• 40:54
  SPEAKER_00: You remember when we were in high school and they wanted to scare us about DUIs, so they put that smashed up car in the parking lot.
• 41:01
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you want to wind up like that?
• 41:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the car.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the car.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how I'm gonna make a lot of money when I get older.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna start renting myself out as the bad example to financial advisors.
• 41:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah.
• 41:21
  SPEAKER_00: They're gonna be in like a meeting where they're like, hey, you guys are a young couple, you just got married, now you're doing fine, you just you gotta start saving, or Greg, come on in here for a second.
• 41:34
  SPEAKER_00: Show them the umbrella.
• 41:49
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what I did with the money.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I mean, I I lost a lot of phone chargers.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: I did accidentally buy some of those organic walnuts one time that sent me back about 585,000.
• 42:03
  SPEAKER_00: That was honestly, you know, I a big part of it, I say it's the blue collar stuff.
• 42:10
  SPEAKER_00: I can't fix anything, so I gotta hire guys to fix stuff.
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: So when they come over to my house, like I I don't think they're being fair.
• 42:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey man, uh how much is it to put the screen door back on the tracks there?
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's 4,000, Greg.
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: I okay, that that sounds fair.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: The last guy charged me 5,000, so I appreciate you not taking advantage of me.
• 42:34
  SPEAKER_00: All those guys, they're all dirtbags, the guys that work on your house, like they're liars.
• 42:39
  SPEAKER_00: They are contractors, repairmen, you uh plumbers, tile guys.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've noticed this about those guys.
• 42:46
  SPEAKER_00: Every one of them, they're always very, very disappointed in the work of the previous guy.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: They cannot believe how horrible of a job that guy did.
• 42:56
  SPEAKER_00: It just baffles them.
• 42:57
  SPEAKER_00: I tell you what, Mr.
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: Warren, I've been in this business for 96 years, and I never seen anything like that before.
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, I don't know who this joker you hired.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_00: I probably got him in the circus.
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that guy, wow, he laid in a 55-47, should have been a 3C.
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I have no idea what you're talking about.
• 43:13
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell me what did he use poor craftsmanship?
• 43:17
  SPEAKER_00: There's no craftsman on this ship, Mr.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Warren.
• 43:19
  SPEAKER_00: I can assure you that.
• 43:20
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, honestly, this makes me mad, Mr.
• 43:21
  SPEAKER_00: Warren.
• 43:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is I like to punch this guy in the face.
• 43:23
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, did you have a personal beef with it?
• 43:25
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in the business for 196 years, and it just makes me sick to think that a guy like just stop it.
• 43:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just tell me what's wrong.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: What what what what is it?
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did he use the wrong materials?
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what materials he did use, Mr.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: Warren.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: That right there.
• 43:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, that looks like uh that's birthday cake frosting right there.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: I maybe maybe this fella thought he was baking a birthday cake.
• 43:44
  SPEAKER_00: I, you know.
• 43:45
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry, Mr.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_00: Warren.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna get you fixed up.
• 43:48
  SPEAKER_00: Now we are probably gonna have to tear down your whole house and uh tear down a neighbor's house too.
• 43:54
  SPEAKER_00: But uh, you know, it's just my bathroom.
• 43:57
  SPEAKER_00: Nah, nah, this guy really put it to you.
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's probably gonna cost you.
• 44:00
  SPEAKER_00: A million seven, million nine.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you wouldn't have hired him, it'd have been seven dollars, but I can't do anything about it, Mr.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Just dirt bags, right?
• 44:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I think we can agree.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm I'm uh I'm not a laborer or a farmer.
• 44:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what I do do for a living is travel.
• 44:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's tougher.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's harder than all the other stuff.
• 44:27
  SPEAKER_00: It is, it's harder than iron networking or ironing or whatever.
• 44:33
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's a lot of stuff you guys don't know about.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_00: You ever had an out-of-town haircut?
• 44:41
  SPEAKER_00: Terrifying.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes, you know, you guys probably just go to the same person.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I'm gone for eight weeks.
• 44:48
  SPEAKER_00: I just gotta walk into this place that I have never been before and say, hey, can somebody cut my hair?
• 44:52
  SPEAKER_00: When you do that, they're not, you're not getting their best people.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_00: They're they got appointments lined up for the day.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, ah, I guess Tammy can take care of you.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: Tammy's like, I get to do it! I get to do it.
• 45:04
  SPEAKER_00: Tammy has never cut a head of hair in her life.
• 45:06
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just sitting there in the chair, terrified.
• 45:09
  SPEAKER_00: Tammy's trying to make small talk with me.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, where are you from?
• 45:12
  SPEAKER_00: No offense, Tammy, but I need you focused, alright?
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_00: What are your hobbies?
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: From the looks of this haircut, they're gonna be indoor hobbies for the next six weeks.
• 45:26
  SPEAKER_00: The travel is like the travel's tough, man.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's tough, it's uh, it's really tough.
• 45:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh, I mean, I I travel on the weekends and I stay in hotels.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: That's fortunate.
• 45:35
  SPEAKER_00: I'm lucky, you know, a lot of times they're nice, but that's that's when the groups are in the hotels.
• 45:41
  SPEAKER_00: The you know, the the groups like the soccer kids.
• 45:43
  SPEAKER_00: I I hate them.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: I I hate them.
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_00: They just take over the hotel.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's like they think they own the place.
• 45:48
  SPEAKER_00: They put signs up on all the doors.
• 45:50
  SPEAKER_00: Good luck, Connor, good luck, Charlie, good luck, Lincoln.
• 45:56
  SPEAKER_00: I came home one night late, and this really happened from a show, and they accidentally put a sign up on my door that said, Good luck, coach.
• 46:04
  SPEAKER_00: For about six seconds, I was like, Did I agree to coach a soccer team?
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: What I did do is I posted a cut list on my door.
• 46:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the following team members turning their uniforms and leave the hotel immediately?
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: Commoner, Charlie, I knew all their names because they were on the door, right?
• 46:27
  SPEAKER_00: You're all bad at sucker.
• 46:29
  SPEAKER_00: Go home.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_00: Find a new activity, preferably one that does not involve travel.
• 46:38
  SPEAKER_00: Man, I was I was in a hotel on a weekend and there was a farm group there.
• 46:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the junior farmers.
• 46:45
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know about these guys, the FFA?
• 46:49
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know the FFA?
• 46:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the future farmers of America.
• 46:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the future farm.
• 46:56
  SPEAKER_00: I was in Indianapolis, there were 50,000 future farmers there.
• 47:00
  SPEAKER_00: There's not that many futures in farming, okay?
• 47:04
  SPEAKER_00: They're lying to these kids.
• 47:05
  SPEAKER_00: Some of them are gonna be future Walgreen workers of America, like and they all wear these the same blue corduroy coat.
• 47:13
  SPEAKER_00: They got their name on the front and their you know, their town on the back, and it's just those are the same coats they wore when I was in high school.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, FFA, RBs get new uniforms every two years.
• 47:25
  SPEAKER_00: I think the guy that found that FFA grossly overestimated how popular it's gonna be and made a volume deal on those coats.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: You're not gickel off each coat, I'll take seven million.
• 47:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can we get new coats?
• 47:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still sitting on 6.98 million.
• 47:40
  SPEAKER_00: It's uh but I I want to say this about the FFA kids.
• 47:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, they're the nicest kids you will ever meet.
• 47:47
  SPEAKER_00: For teenagers, they are, yes, they are, yeah.
• 47:52
  SPEAKER_00: They are the nicest kids.
• 47:55
  SPEAKER_00: But um there's too many of them, okay?
• 47:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's too many of them.
• 48:00
  SPEAKER_00: They just they they clogged up the hotel.
• 48:02
  SPEAKER_00: The whole hotel was just corduroy.
• 48:04
  SPEAKER_00: Just why do you have to stay in a hotel?
• 48:13
  SPEAKER_00: You're a farmer, sleep outside.
• 48:16
  SPEAKER_00: I had to wait for an elevator for 30 minutes, practically.
• 48:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, it's it's not a grain elevator, what are you loading wheat up there?
• 48:25
  SPEAKER_00: I came downstairs to get my Starbucks the next morning.
• 48:27
  SPEAKER_00: There was like 50 farm kids in front of me, just taking their time away.
• 48:31
  SPEAKER_00: They don't make corn lattes there, bean picker junior.
• 48:34
  SPEAKER_00: Pick something.
• 48:36
  SPEAKER_00: Wrong choice of words with you guys.
• 48:38
  SPEAKER_00: Select something.
• 48:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, people ask me with a travel, like, you know, you travel, do you uh do you go on vacation?
• 48:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because you travel like I do.
• 48:56
  SPEAKER_00: I like my vacation spots a little trashy, though.
• 49:00
  SPEAKER_00: I like them trashy.
• 49:01
  SPEAKER_00: I do like you ever heard a rich person bragging about their spot.
• 49:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it's a beautiful island.
• 49:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's completely untouched.
• 49:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, whoa, touch it.
• 49:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's why I go to Myrtle Beach.
• 49:15
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you something, they touched that place.
• 49:16
  SPEAKER_00: They touched it hard.
• 49:18
  SPEAKER_00: They touched it, and then they just kept on touching it, and they touched it.
• 49:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's there's more go-kart tracks there than there is sand.
• 49:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I like it, I like it.
• 49:26
  SPEAKER_00: And but I don't think they understand their clientele, because I was there, and like this one lady at the hotel was like, we have 24 water amenities on our property.
• 49:35
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what is a water amenity?
• 49:38
  SPEAKER_00: You talking about like a drinking fountain?
• 49:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's no like pools and slides in the lazy river.
• 49:43
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, well, you should use those terms with these people.
• 49:45
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm I'm not trying to stereotype, but that guy right there, he's got nine kids under the age of 12, and they're all wearing different liquor brand t-shirts.
• 49:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like, he's not gonna get amenity.
• 49:55
  SPEAKER_00: I don't wanna go to an amenity.
• 49:56
  SPEAKER_00: That don't sound like fun at all.
• 49:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was supposed to be on vacation, you're gonna make me go to an amenity.
• 50:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to go to an amenity.
• 50:01
  SPEAKER_00: I went to church on Sunday.
• 50:02
  SPEAKER_00: I said four hail marriage and five amenities, and I ain't gonna say it again.
• 50:06
  SPEAKER_00: Now, sir, it's another word for water slide.
• 50:08
  SPEAKER_00: Then why didn't you call it a water slide?
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: This is a trick.
• 50:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna be like that time they told me I won free tickets to Molly Hatchet and I showed up and I have warrants.
• 50:14
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't gonna fall for it.
• 50:15
  SPEAKER_00: I ain't gonna fall for it.
• 50:16
  SPEAKER_00: You could fool me once, well, twice.
• 50:18
  SPEAKER_00: They got me with the Statler brothers, too, but I should have known better on that one.
• 50:28
  SPEAKER_00: I actually I went on one trip that wasn't trashy, one vacation spot.
• 50:34
  SPEAKER_00: It was Bermuda.
• 50:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you should go.
• 50:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's beautiful.
• 50:38
  SPEAKER_00: It is it's also the shipwrecked capital of the world.
• 50:41
  SPEAKER_00: I guess like 500 years ago there were some pretty bad ship drivers down there, and they all just were they were hitting stuff, you know, and and they all sank, and they're still down there.
• 50:53
  SPEAKER_00: You can just swim around and look at them, and I did, but I felt guilty, you know.
• 50:57
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'm on vacation, look at the worst mistakes somebody made in their life.
• 51:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it I mean, I made a lot of mistakes in my life, you know.
• 51:04
  SPEAKER_00: I I totaled my dad's car when I was in high school and I got grounded, but they didn't turn it into a tourist destination.
• 51:13
  SPEAKER_00: If they did, I know who the tour guide would be.
• 51:16
  SPEAKER_00: My dad.
• 51:18
  SPEAKER_00: The whole tour would be just him telling everybody about his insurance rates.
• 51:21
  SPEAKER_00: They more than double the rates more than double.
• 51:24
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta multiply times two, then you go, Jerry, I think they know what double.
• 51:28
  SPEAKER_00: Colleen, I told you this is my tour.
• 51:30
  SPEAKER_00: You want to run a tour, you run your own tour.
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where was it?
• 51:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, the rates more than doubled.
• 51:34
  SPEAKER_00: Then two weeks later, his idiot brother wrecks another one of my cars.
• 51:38
  SPEAKER_00: Gary Lake calls me.
• 51:39
  SPEAKER_00: He's been my insurance agent for 40 years.
• 51:41
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Jerry, we gotta drop him.
• 51:43
  SPEAKER_00: You understand me?
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: Drop me.
• 51:44
  SPEAKER_00: I have the same guy for putting Jerry.
• 51:47
  SPEAKER_00: I think they know what it means to be drunk.
• 51:48
  SPEAKER_00: Colleen, I told you this is my tour.
• 51:51
  SPEAKER_00: Not like they never made any mistakes in your life.
• 51:53
  SPEAKER_00: I made two mistakes in my life, and neither one of those idiots can drive.
• 52:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to keep coming back to this, but there's gotta be at least one green bean plant in Iowa, right?
• 52:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like these guys, they act like they never have heard of that vegetable.
• 52:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a very popular.
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_00: I looked it up.
• 52:22
  SPEAKER_00: You know what the number one green bean producing state is?
• 52:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wisconsin.
• 52:26
  SPEAKER_00: That touches Iowa.
• 52:27
  SPEAKER_00: They've heard of it.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_00: They're neighbors.
• 52:28
  SPEAKER_00: I live in Missouri.
• 52:29
  SPEAKER_00: We touch Illinois.
• 52:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've heard of Abraham Lincoln, okay?
• 52:34
  SPEAKER_00: We also touch Kansas.
• 52:35
  SPEAKER_00: I have heard of the band Kansas.
• 52:42
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing, man.
• 52:43
  SPEAKER_00: I I uh through all this, I have learned some respect for farmers.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_00: I I couldn't do it.
• 52:47
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I have a plastic plant at my house.
• 52:50
  SPEAKER_00: Uh I've learned a lot, though.
• 52:52
  SPEAKER_00: I really have, I said I travel.
• 52:54
  SPEAKER_00: Lately, I I travel and then I try to go see a farm.
• 52:56
  SPEAKER_00: I've been in like five or six farms and I've learned some stuff.
• 52:59
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned some pretty cool stuff.
• 53:00
  SPEAKER_00: I learned about uh it's not just field and sweet, there's seed corn.
• 53:06
  SPEAKER_00: The seed corn farmers, they this they do this thing called detasseling.
• 53:09
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 53:10
  SPEAKER_00: What they do is uh every year, right around August, they go up and down all the cornrows and they have to snip off the male part of the corn, the tassel, and they have to get 99.7% of these tassels, or it doesn't work.
• 53:26
  SPEAKER_00: And to perform this very precise operation, they hire teenagers and ex-convicts, two groups not known for making any mistakes in their lives.
• 53:37
  SPEAKER_00: I swear to you, they do it.
• 53:38
  SPEAKER_00: They send their kids out into the cornfields on a school bus with convicted felons.
• 53:43
  SPEAKER_00: What could go wrong?
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_00: How was it, son?
• 53:45
  SPEAKER_00: It was great, Dad.
• 53:46
  SPEAKER_00: One eyed peach showed us how to make a shib out of a corn cough.
• 53:50
  SPEAKER_00: He shanked the bus driver.
• 53:52
  SPEAKER_00: I think he's going back to the joint to do another nickel time stretch.
• 54:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I learned, I came over here to Illinois and a guy taught me about cover crops.
• 54:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, cover crops, that's a thing, sometimes they they just plant stuff and they don't use it.
• 54:09
  SPEAKER_00: They just use it to make the ground healthier, they just till it underneath the ground.
• 54:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 54:14
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if I was a farmer, built-in excuse, right, for a bad crop, Greg, your cantaloupes look terrible.
• 54:21
  SPEAKER_00: Those are cover lobes.
• 54:25
  SPEAKER_00: All your crops look terrible.
• 54:26
  SPEAKER_00: They're all cover crops this year.
• 54:28
  SPEAKER_00: If he didn't say anything about that during the spring, that's because they're undercover crops.
• 54:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I appreciate the farmers.
• 54:39
  SPEAKER_00: But I mean farmers, we do stuff for you guys too.
• 54:44
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we eat a lot of your stuff, but aside from that, we do stuff.
• 54:49
  SPEAKER_00: Daylight savings time.
• 54:53
  SPEAKER_00: You're welcome, okay?
• 54:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's a hardship for us.
• 54:58
  SPEAKER_00: Because in the Midwest, you know, it gets dark in December at about 3.45, and we're all sad, we're all depressed, you know, we're all borderline suicidal.
• 55:09
  SPEAKER_00: We all have seasonal effectiveness disorder, which should be called farmers' disease.
• 55:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we do that so the farmers can have a couple extra hours to plant stuff in the summer, and that's fine, that's fine, but they better be using it, all right?
• 55:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm I'm driving by some of these farms this summer, and if it's light out and they're not out there, I'm knocking on some doors.
• 55:29
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, hey, hey, hey, we weren't all sitting there for six months, so you can sit inside and watch hee-haw, all right?
• 55:35
  SPEAKER_00: You get out there and you farm something.
• 55:37
  SPEAKER_00: Half the country's on Zoloff because of you guys.
• 55:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I went back.
• 55:51
  SPEAKER_00: I went back to Iowa.
• 55:53
  SPEAKER_00: I went to a soybean farm.
• 55:56
  SPEAKER_00: Face to face with the bean pickers.
• 55:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I met a soybean farmer, and he told me about crop rotation.
• 56:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess you can't plant the same crop on the same piece of land two seasons in a row.
• 56:09
  SPEAKER_00: And they take it seriously.
• 56:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, oh, you don't go bean on bean.
• 56:12
  SPEAKER_00: You don't do it.
• 56:13
  SPEAKER_00: You do not go bean on bean.
• 56:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can't go bean on bean.
• 56:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's just uh, it's not right, it's not farming, you don't go bean on bean, you don't you don't do that.
• 56:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not it's not farming.
• 56:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, does anybody down the road?
• 56:25
  SPEAKER_00: Bean on bean on bean on bean.
• 56:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a disgrace, it's not farming, okay?
• 56:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's an embarrassment to the community, I'll tell you that.
• 56:31
  SPEAKER_00: Guy probably doesn't rotate his tires or his undershirts either.
• 56:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then they told me about soybeans.
• 56:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I didn't know all this stuff.
• 56:41
  SPEAKER_00: I just thought you eat them or whatever.
• 56:43
  SPEAKER_00: They make a lot of stuff ink.
• 56:45
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of ink comes from soybeans.
• 56:46
  SPEAKER_00: Did you know that?
• 56:47
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of the ink you use comes from soybeans.
• 56:49
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes a lot of sense.
• 56:51
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever been writing with a pen and it runs out of ink way before the other pens?
• 56:59
  SPEAKER_00: Bean on bean, ink right there.
• 57:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's thank you very much.
• 57:07
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
• 57:21
  SPEAKER_00: I farm corn and soybeans and a little hay.
• 57:23
  SPEAKER_01: We had a couple of male cows, chickens, soybeans, corn, and five chickens.
• 57:29
  SPEAKER_01: Hogs, beans, and corn, beef cows.
• 57:32
  SPEAKER_01: Try to get out early and get a little corn planted, some soybeans, do a little wheat.
• 57:37
  SPEAKER_01: We farm corn and soybeans.
• 57:39
  SPEAKER_01: Corn and beans.
• 57:40
  SPEAKER_01: Corn and soybeans.
• 57:41
  SPEAKER_01: We raise corn and beans.
• 57:44
  SPEAKER_01: And a big guard.
• 57:45
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think Greg Warren knows anything about farming.
• 57:48
  SPEAKER_01: I hope it's funny.
• 57:49
  SPEAKER_01: I left the corn for him.
• 57:50
  SPEAKER_01: I just hope he's funny.
• 57:51
  SPEAKER_01: Hope he's as funny as Larry the Cable Man.
• 57:54
  SPEAKER_02: He definitely doesn't know what he's talking about.