Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #724 25 Lessons From 25 Years (Part 1)

Transcript

#724 25 Lessons From 25 Years (Part 1) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:01
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast.
0:04
Speaker 2: We could not be where we are and we could
0:05
Speaker 2: not have done what we've done without the extraordinary support
0:08
Speaker 2: that you've offered, the selfless and sacrificial support that you've
0:13
Speaker 2: provided across the last twenty five years.
0:15
Speaker 1: It's because of you.
0:17
Speaker 3: And now here's the stars of our show.
0:20
Speaker 1: My mum and dad.
0:21
Speaker 2: Hello, it's doctor Justin Colson on here with Kylie, my
0:23
Speaker 2: wife of twenty five years.
0:25
Speaker 1: Today, I was going to do exactly the same sound effect.
0:30
Speaker 1: We're vibing together when again adversary. I love this.
0:34
Speaker 2: Welcome to the Happy Families Podcast. We love that you've
0:36
Speaker 2: joined us. Thank you so much for giving of your time.
0:38
Speaker 2: We have decided that for today and probably tomorrow. I
0:41
Speaker 2: don't think we're going to get through this in one
0:42
Speaker 2: day because we're celebrating twenty five years of marriage today.
0:46
Speaker 1: Twenty five years. I can't believe that we're that old.
0:50
Speaker 2: We've actually been married to one another longer than we
0:52
Speaker 2: were ever single. You were nineteen. You were nineteen when
0:56
Speaker 2: you married me. I was twenty two. You said yes
1:01
Speaker 2: to me. We had our first child when we were
1:05
Speaker 2: I think I was twenty four, you were twenty one.
1:07
Speaker 1: That's right, you were heavily pregnant. You were nine months
1:09
Speaker 1: pregnant on.
1:09
Speaker 2: Your twenty first birthday, And here we are, twenty five
1:12
Speaker 2: years down the track now and celebrating what I think
1:16
Speaker 2: has just been the most amazing. I literally cannot imagine
1:20
Speaker 2: having another twenty five years in any other way other
1:23
Speaker 2: than with you.
1:25
Speaker 1: Happy anniversary.
1:26
Speaker 2: You're so sweet, So we thought we would bring you
1:29
Speaker 2: into our marriage for today's podcast and probably tomorrow's as well.
1:33
Speaker 2: We don't know what one another has written. I don't
1:36
Speaker 2: know anything at all that Kylie has on her sheet
1:38
Speaker 2: of paper, But we thought, for twenty five years of marriage,
1:40
Speaker 2: wouldn't it be fun for the Happy Families podcast to
1:43
Speaker 2: talk about twenty five lessons twenty five lessons that being
1:47
Speaker 2: married for twenty five years has taught us. It's possible
1:51
Speaker 2: that we've got exactly the same lists. I wouldn't be
1:53
Speaker 2: surprised if there's at least a little bit of crossover,
1:55
Speaker 2: a little bit of overlap. But because it's our winning anniversary,
1:59
Speaker 2: and because I'm just dying to hear what you've got
2:02
Speaker 2: to say, I reckon what we should do is go
2:04
Speaker 2: through your list of have you got twelve or thirteen?
2:06
Speaker 2: Because twenty five is not even numbers. So we've got
2:09
Speaker 2: somebody's going to have to do thirteen tomorrow. Have you
2:10
Speaker 2: got twelve or thirteen? I've got great, so I'll do
2:12
Speaker 2: thirteen tomorrow. Let's see if in the next sort of
2:15
Speaker 2: ten or twelve minutes we can work through your twelve
2:18
Speaker 2: of twenty five ideas for making marriage magic for our
2:23
Speaker 2: twenty fifth wedding anniversary.
2:25
Speaker 3: That's not what you asked me to write.
2:27
Speaker 1: What did I ask you to do?
2:28
Speaker 3: You asked me to write what I had learned.
2:30
Speaker 1: Twenty five lessons. Well, that's fine, that's what I've got
2:34
Speaker 1: as well. I've got twenty five.
2:35
Speaker 3: Make any promises that following these will make your life magic?
2:38
Speaker 1: Okay?
2:38
Speaker 2: Well that's well, the lessons mean life is better, I think. Okay,
2:43
Speaker 2: So I didn't explain the brief very well. I've been traveling.
2:46
Speaker 2: I'm a little bit sleep deprived. There's been a lot
2:48
Speaker 2: going on away. You go, let's hear your first one.
2:52
Speaker 3: Ah. You know, over the years, we've heard just how
2:56
Speaker 3: imperative it is for newborn babies to have skin to
3:00
Speaker 3: skin contact. Yeah, with their parents.
3:03
Speaker 1: I know where you're going with. It's already.
3:08
Speaker 3: And the thing that I've larned the most is that
3:11
Speaker 3: that skin to skin contact is just as important for
3:13
Speaker 3: her husband and wife or partners to thrive and have
3:17
Speaker 3: you a beautiful relationship requires that time together.
3:22
Speaker 2: You're not talking about skinned skin with your little babies.
3:24
Speaker 2: You're talking about locking the door. Skinner skin doesn't have
3:27
Speaker 2: to be more than skinned to skin. You're just saying,
3:28
Speaker 2: that's right. Yeah, time together.
3:30
Speaker 3: So well, if you like, when you walk past me,
3:32
Speaker 3: you will squeeze my hand or it's that connection, that
3:36
Speaker 3: physical touch.
3:38
Speaker 2: When we were in our first year of marriage, we
3:39
Speaker 2: were living in Rockhamps and I was working at four
3:41
Speaker 2: R ROH, the radio station in Rocky.
3:43
Speaker 1: We were living at your poo.
3:44
Speaker 2: As a matter of fact, there was a couple in
3:46
Speaker 2: our church congregation and they were talking to us about
3:48
Speaker 2: the secrets to a happy marriage.
3:50
Speaker 1: And they are borough, Oh, that's right, Barbara Swan, You're
3:53
Speaker 1: exactly right. I can't remember his name, but Bob. I
3:55
Speaker 1: remember Bob really well. She was loving. I remember his face.
3:57
Speaker 1: I just can't remember his name. I remember his kid's name,
4:00
Speaker 1: their kids names.
4:01
Speaker 2: Anyway, they said one of the secrets to their happy
4:03
Speaker 2: marriage was that they had a rule. And they said
4:05
Speaker 2: it's an ironclad rule. They used the word rule forcefully.
4:09
Speaker 2: We have a rule that whenever we walk past one another,
4:11
Speaker 2: we must touch. We must have some skinnder skin contact
4:15
Speaker 2: to show that we're acknowledging each other. Or it might
4:17
Speaker 2: be a quick pinch on the barm or a squeeze
4:18
Speaker 2: of the elbow, or a hard or a kiss or
4:20
Speaker 2: something to show I'm noticing you, I'm grateful for you,
4:23
Speaker 2: I'm not taking you for granted. You've gone a little
4:26
Speaker 2: bit further with your life lesson that the importance of
4:29
Speaker 2: skinnderskin contacts preferably in the bedroom, laying down with a
4:31
Speaker 2: door lock.
4:32
Speaker 1: I did not say that lot at that, but I'm
4:33
Speaker 1: reading between the lines. That's what I'm hearing you say.
4:36
Speaker 3: No. But it's interesting because, like I started, we have
4:40
Speaker 3: so much research that supports that skinnderskin contact with babies,
4:44
Speaker 3: and then as we hit adolescence, there's again research that
4:49
Speaker 3: kind of just strongly is linked with our teenage well
4:53
Speaker 3: being and that connection that they have with mum and dad,
4:57
Speaker 3: that those physical touches are hug like, it's what we
5:01
Speaker 3: thrive on.
5:02
Speaker 2: What's your second life lesson or thing that you've learned
5:04
Speaker 2: from marriage? Other than the importance of skin skin touch.
5:10
Speaker 3: A loving, thriving marriage is a choice, a consistent and
5:15
Speaker 3: intentional choice each and every day, to choose your spouse
5:18
Speaker 3: again and again and again.
5:20
Speaker 2: And that's something that we say with sensitivity because we
5:22
Speaker 2: know a lot of people are doing their very best
5:24
Speaker 2: to make those kinds of choices, and circumstances are just
5:27
Speaker 2: against you. But it's something that we have been so
5:31
Speaker 2: intentional about, isn't it every day? I remember years and
5:34
Speaker 2: years ago, I was on the radio and we started
5:36
Speaker 2: doing this little thing on air where we'd say, hey,
5:38
Speaker 2: thanks for choosing us. We know you could choose any
5:40
Speaker 2: other radio station, and you've chosen us.
5:41
Speaker 1: We really appreciate it.
5:43
Speaker 2: And I remember at the time thinking that's a little
5:45
Speaker 2: bit like we're acknowledging that there's an opposition out there
5:47
Speaker 2: that could take our listenership away. But there was something
5:50
Speaker 2: about saying thanks and something about acknowledging the choice. And
5:54
Speaker 2: that's something that you and I have been really intentional about,
5:56
Speaker 2: isn't it, like we really we've actually said the exact
6:00
Speaker 2: towards many, many, many thousands of times. I choose you,
6:03
Speaker 2: I choose you today, I choose you tomorrow. I choose you,
6:06
Speaker 2: what's your third one?
6:07
Speaker 3: So for me, seeing one another as equal counterparts in
6:10
Speaker 3: the relationship enables each of us to take responsibility for
6:16
Speaker 3: where we are in any given moment. It's not your
6:20
Speaker 3: responsibility to drag me along, nor is it my responsibility
6:24
Speaker 3: to lift you up all the time. The responsibility for
6:27
Speaker 3: how our relationship looks is actually equally planted between you
6:31
Speaker 3: and I, and if we want to have a good marriage,
6:34
Speaker 3: then each of us has to be willing to pull
6:37
Speaker 3: our weight.
6:38
Speaker 1: What's number four?
6:40
Speaker 3: It's just a question, how can I better support you today? Yeah?
6:44
Speaker 1: Who started that?
6:45
Speaker 3: You did?
6:46
Speaker 1: Did? I?
6:46
Speaker 2: Okay, I'll take the credit, But I feel like I
6:49
Speaker 2: feel like I had to ask you that question because
6:51
Speaker 2: you've always done so much to be supportive of me,
6:53
Speaker 2: and I look at I had this radio career.
6:57
Speaker 1: So we got married.
6:58
Speaker 2: For those of you who don't know much aout ustoll, we
7:00
Speaker 2: got married obviously quite young. I had my first radio
7:02
Speaker 2: job in Madaalizer and I got a job in rock
7:04
Speaker 2: Hampton literally the week before we got married. I was like, Oh,
7:07
Speaker 2: thank goodness, my wife doesn't have to move all the
7:10
Speaker 2: way out to Mataaliser and start our life out here
7:12
Speaker 2: because I knew I wouldn't be there for long. And
7:14
Speaker 2: with no offense to anyone who's listening to the podcast
7:16
Speaker 2: who's in or from Matt Isser, it wasn't my favorite
7:19
Speaker 2: place I've ever been.
7:19
Speaker 3: It was it was just because I wasn't there.
7:21
Speaker 1: Maybe it was.
7:22
Speaker 2: Maybe, But we got this job in rock Hampton and
7:24
Speaker 2: you traveled with me in the radio industry from rock
7:26
Speaker 2: Hampton down to Brisbane, then into Warningball, across the Traugen
7:31
Speaker 2: up to Newcastle and then finally back to Brisbane where
7:34
Speaker 2: I worked in radio for another year or so and
7:35
Speaker 2: then I quit, and then I became a student, and
7:38
Speaker 2: you supported me in that task because I went from
7:41
Speaker 2: tafe to university and got my degree and my honors,
7:43
Speaker 2: and then we worked three jobs, worked three jobs, and
7:46
Speaker 2: you supported me and the family while I earned the
7:48
Speaker 2: money and did the study. And then we moved our
7:51
Speaker 2: family to Wollongong for nine years and then back to
7:54
Speaker 2: Brisbane and now here we are on the Sunshine Coast,
7:57
Speaker 2: and we both made enormous sacrifices right throughout, but there's
8:00
Speaker 2: just been that incredible support and I knew early on.
8:03
Speaker 2: I've always acknowledged we could not be where we are
8:06
Speaker 2: and could not have done what we've done without the
8:08
Speaker 2: extraordinary support that you've offered, The selfless and sacrificial support
8:13
Speaker 2: that you've provided across the last twenty five years.
8:16
Speaker 1: It's because of you.
8:17
Speaker 2: I mean, I've had to go and get the degrees
8:19
Speaker 2: and I get to stand up on the stage and
8:21
Speaker 2: every one applauds when I give a talk. But I
8:23
Speaker 2: couldn't have done it. We couldn't have our family if
8:26
Speaker 2: you hadn't been this. I don't know how to say
8:29
Speaker 2: it other than this person who was so willing to
8:31
Speaker 2: sacrifice pretty much everything in order to support me and
8:35
Speaker 2: our family. And I think that the least that I
8:37
Speaker 2: could do is say to you, what do you need?
8:39
Speaker 2: How can I support you? But I'm so glad that
8:42
Speaker 2: you recognize that. That makes me feel really good, makes me
8:44
Speaker 2: feel really supportive in my first support ya.
8:49
Speaker 1: What's number five?
8:50
Speaker 3: Growing up, family life didn't always feel safe for me
8:55
Speaker 3: for lots of different reasons, and coming into the marriage,
8:58
Speaker 3: I've obviously carried probably some baggage in relation to that.
9:02
Speaker 3: But one of the things that I'm still learning and
9:06
Speaker 3: doing a pretty poor job at it most of the time,
9:08
Speaker 3: is just the reminder that we're on the same team,
9:11
Speaker 3: and that any internal bickering and fighting actually weakens us.
9:16
Speaker 3: That's something that you have to remind me a lot.
9:18
Speaker 1: And there's a couple of lines that I use to
9:20
Speaker 1: remind you.
9:21
Speaker 2: And I've been doing this even before I got my degrees.
9:24
Speaker 2: So I remember once upon a time I started saying
9:27
Speaker 2: to you, you know what, I've made a commitment to
9:29
Speaker 2: you that I'm married to you. That's going to be
9:32
Speaker 2: like forever. That's a long long time. It's not in
9:35
Speaker 2: my interest to have conflict with you over this. It
9:38
Speaker 2: doesn't serve me and it doesn't serve you for us
9:40
Speaker 2: to fight about this.
9:41
Speaker 1: We're on the same team.
9:43
Speaker 3: Yeah, And I guess along with that is just this
9:46
Speaker 3: notion that my love is bigger than any problem that
9:49
Speaker 3: we might have.
9:50
Speaker 2: Ah, you know what, that's my number eleven for tomorrow.
9:56
Speaker 2: No issue should ever be allowed to be bigger than
9:58
Speaker 2: the love we share. Yeah, what's your number six lesson
10:02
Speaker 2: you've learned from twenty five years of marriage.
10:04
Speaker 3: Gratitude is key to happiness in every facet of our lives,
10:07
Speaker 3: but especially in marriage.
10:09
Speaker 1: Number seven.
10:11
Speaker 3: When I meet your needs, that is when I help
10:14
Speaker 3: you to feel loved and safe. And secure in my
10:16
Speaker 3: love for you. You're better able to meet my own Ah.
10:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that's beautiful.
10:22
Speaker 3: That's number eight, regular uninterrupted scheduled intentional time alone. Right,
10:30
Speaker 3: it's imperative to help me building a loving, elastic marriage.
10:33
Speaker 2: So, if you're new to the Happy Famili's podcast, there
10:35
Speaker 2: are a couple of things that Kylie and I do
10:37
Speaker 2: to make sure that we have what would what were
10:39
Speaker 2: the items on that list?
10:40
Speaker 3: Again, regular uninterrupted scheduled intentional time alone.
10:46
Speaker 1: And you're speaking specifically about intimate time.
10:48
Speaker 3: Right, where is your mic today?
10:51
Speaker 1: That's what you're talking about?
10:52
Speaker 2: Am I?
10:52
Speaker 3: Right?
10:52
Speaker 1: Come on?
10:53
Speaker 2: No, really, just it's our wedding anniversary. Is if I'm
10:57
Speaker 2: not going to go there?
10:59
Speaker 1: Is that? It's I really truly thought that's what you
11:01
Speaker 1: were talking about.
11:02
Speaker 3: That is very much part of it. Okay, how many
11:05
Speaker 3: times as a parent do you try to have a
11:08
Speaker 3: conversation with your partner hang on, mum, mum, mum, and
11:12
Speaker 3: you can't You never finish a conversation, or you start
11:18
Speaker 3: something and then can't remember what you were talking about.
11:20
Speaker 3: Because there's been so many interruptions.
11:22
Speaker 2: And this has been a consistent challenge for us throughout
11:25
Speaker 2: our relationship. It's not like we've fully dialed this in,
11:27
Speaker 2: but there's a handful of things that we do to
11:29
Speaker 2: try to get that regular, uninterrupted, scheduled time together. There
11:34
Speaker 2: was one other thing that you said on the list,
11:35
Speaker 2: but I'd just go with those three. Why don't you
11:37
Speaker 2: walk us through those really, really quickly and briefly.
11:40
Speaker 3: So we haven't been so good with it over the
11:42
Speaker 3: last few years because COVID has really interrupted the flow
11:47
Speaker 3: of things for most people, but for us as well.
11:49
Speaker 2: And grandparent health hasn't been one hundred percent either, which
11:52
Speaker 2: has made it even more complicated.
11:53
Speaker 3: But a quarterly getaway is something that we had started
11:56
Speaker 3: before COVID and was just life changing.
12:00
Speaker 2: One maybe two nights in a hotel thirty minutes sixty
12:03
Speaker 2: minutes down the road.
12:04
Speaker 3: We didn't because because you've got such limited time, we
12:07
Speaker 3: didn't want to spend any time traveling as very little
12:10
Speaker 3: time as traveling as possible, And so it's not about
12:13
Speaker 3: where you go, it's just about having that time out.
12:16
Speaker 2: But even other things like every night we walk the
12:19
Speaker 2: dog together and we just talk for twenty or thirty minutes,
12:22
Speaker 2: and sometimes we're too tired to do it, well, we
12:23
Speaker 2: do it anyway. Or once a week, we make sure
12:26
Speaker 2: that we get out for lunch or breakfast or just something.
12:30
Speaker 2: Somehow make the schedule as flexible as we can, so
12:33
Speaker 2: we get that time. We really, I mean, we crave it,
12:36
Speaker 2: don't we?
12:37
Speaker 1: We absolutely crave it, all right. I think that was
12:39
Speaker 1: number eight.
12:39
Speaker 2: So let's hear your number nine lesson from twenty five
12:43
Speaker 2: years of marriage.
12:45
Speaker 3: It's daily acts of kindness. It makes such a difference
12:48
Speaker 3: to a marriage. And it can be just a little
12:51
Speaker 3: like tiny thing. Maybe I pack your lunch, Maybe there's
12:54
Speaker 3: just a little note in your lunch box. Maybe I
12:58
Speaker 3: make sure that your favorite shirts ironed and read to go.
13:01
Speaker 3: Maybe I just compliment you that you mowed the lawn
13:04
Speaker 3: and it looks scary.
13:06
Speaker 2: There are other things, though, like for years, right right
13:10
Speaker 2: at the very beginning of our marriage, I decided that
13:12
Speaker 2: I didn't like nicknames. But if we're going to have nicknames,
13:14
Speaker 2: you're going to have the best nickname of all time.
13:16
Speaker 2: And so what I did is I pulled together I
13:19
Speaker 2: think four or five different nicknames that people call each other,
13:22
Speaker 2: like beautiful and honey and darling and all that sort
13:24
Speaker 2: of stuff. And your number plate even reflects this, right,
13:27
Speaker 2: So I've ultimately called you. And this is very, very
13:32
Speaker 2: personally a couple of I'm showing this in the podcast,
13:33
Speaker 2: but your nickname and what comes up in my phone
13:35
Speaker 2: and what I say whenever you call, as I say hello,
13:38
Speaker 2: my beautiful darling angel sweetheart, which is so sacerin, so
13:42
Speaker 2: sickly sweet. I know anyone hearing this is right now
13:45
Speaker 2: just puke and going, oh my goodness. But what happened
13:49
Speaker 2: over the years is every time you answer the phone,
13:51
Speaker 2: now you have a you have a different way of
13:54
Speaker 2: answering the phone. Like whenever you would call me, I
13:58
Speaker 2: always made sure one hundred percent of time that I
14:00
Speaker 2: picked up, and I always made sure, no matter what
14:02
Speaker 2: mood I.
14:02
Speaker 1: Was in, that you got the very very best of me.
14:05
Speaker 1: When I answered the phone, it was never hey, or
14:07
Speaker 1: what's up? Or yep? It was always oh, my beautiful
14:10
Speaker 1: telling angel, sweetheart.
14:11
Speaker 2: I'm so glad you called. I'm so glad to your voice.
14:14
Speaker 2: Like the best thing that could have happened today is
14:17
Speaker 2: you calling me. And I've done that for at least
14:20
Speaker 2: twenty to twenty three of our twenty five years together,
14:23
Speaker 2: but you do that now as well, and I just
14:26
Speaker 2: cherish those first couple of seconds when we get on
14:28
Speaker 2: the phone and talk to each other, because I know
14:30
Speaker 2: that you're going to sound like me calling you is
14:32
Speaker 2: the best thing that has happened in your day, even
14:35
Speaker 2: if it's not. And I think that's what you're talking about,
14:37
Speaker 2: like these little acts of kindness, consistently reaching out and
14:41
Speaker 2: making an intentional effort to say you're important to me.
14:45
Speaker 1: I notice you. This stuff matters.
14:48
Speaker 3: So number ten is I love you? It really is said,
14:53
Speaker 3: it's shown, so you can say I love you as
14:56
Speaker 3: many times as you want. But if your actions don't
14:59
Speaker 3: support the words and they're just words.
15:02
Speaker 1: Yeah, great stuff. What's number eleven? You know what what
15:05
Speaker 1: I missed?
15:06
Speaker 3: Number eleven?
15:06
Speaker 1: Get out of here? Does that mean I get a
15:08
Speaker 1: bonus one tomorrow?
15:09
Speaker 3: Maybe I still you're eleven?
15:12
Speaker 2: That means that you're still only that means you're still
15:14
Speaker 2: one shy because it was the same as mine.
15:16
Speaker 1: So what's your last one? Then? So my last one
15:21
Speaker 1: again is on the bad days.
15:24
Speaker 3: Instead of rehearsing all his annoying traits, remind yourself of
15:27
Speaker 3: why you said yes. You'll probably find that the lists
15:30
Speaker 3: are almost identical. It's all about perspective.
15:35
Speaker 2: This is why I'm so crazy about you. I hope
15:37
Speaker 2: that for all of our Happy Families podcast listeners, I
15:40
Speaker 2: hope that you have not gone to sleep and not
15:44
Speaker 2: thought this is just a little bit too much. But
15:47
Speaker 2: as you can probably tell, Kylie and I are absolutely
15:49
Speaker 2: crazy about each other, twenty five years is not nearly enough,
15:53
Speaker 2: not even close. So we're going to go and celebrate
15:56
Speaker 2: our anniversary today. In fact, I should probably let you
15:59
Speaker 2: in a little secret. We have recorded this podcast episode
16:02
Speaker 2: just a little bit ahead of time because as we speak,
16:05
Speaker 2: we're jumping on an aeroplane and heading home after a
16:08
Speaker 2: weekend away because we've been celebrating our anniversary away. I'm
16:12
Speaker 2: not going to tell you any more about it until Friday,
16:14
Speaker 2: when we share with you. I'll do better tomorrow. But
16:17
Speaker 2: tomorrow I'm going to share my list of Well, I've
16:21
Speaker 2: got thirteen things, which means that we're still one short,
16:23
Speaker 2: so maybe you can come up.
16:24
Speaker 1: With one more for tomorrow.
16:25
Speaker 2: We can slot it at the beginning the lessons that
16:28
Speaker 2: will bring us up to twenty five things that we've
16:29
Speaker 2: learned from twenty five years of marriage. The Happy Family's
16:32
Speaker 2: podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media. Craig
16:35
Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer. If you would like more
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Speaker 2: information about making your family happier and your marriage happier,
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Speaker 2: we've got this great webinar.
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Speaker 1: It's called Better Together.
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Speaker 2: You can find it in the Happy Families Shop at
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Speaker 2: happyfamilies dot com dot auth