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86: The Invisible Stories We Tell Ourselves · Banish the Lies: Outsmart Your Inner Critic

• 0:03
  Speaker: Welcome to Banish the Lies, the podcast where we outsmart that sneaky inner critic and get closer to the truth that sets us free.
• 0:10
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, your host and fellow work in Progress here to share real stories and small shifts that help you reclaim what fear and doubt once stole.
• 0:21
  Speaker: Let's jump in.
• 0:22
  Speaker: The other morning, I was driving my daughter to school, and I noticed something interesting about the car in front of us.
• 0:34
  Speaker: The back of it, at the bottom of the hatchback, was really rusted.
• 0:39
  Speaker: And this was particularly curious to me because the rest of the car looked like it was in pretty good shape, which made the rust all that more noticeable, really, and kind of bizarre.
• 0:50
  Speaker: And for whatever reason, probably because I'm a sucker for a good metaphor, the rust made me think about the lies we carry about ourselves.
• 1:01
  Speaker: Now, I know it's a big leap, but stay with me for a moment because the more I thought about it, the more interesting this comparison became.
• 1:12
  Speaker: Think about how rust develops.
• 1:15
  Speaker: It doesn't usually appear overnight.
• 1:18
  Speaker: It usually starts with something small, uh, maybe a scratch in the paint, something that exposes the metal underneath.
• 1:25
  Speaker: And over time, with the right conditions, that little bit of rust begins to spread.
• 1:33
  Speaker: And I started thinking about how similar that is to the limiting beliefs we develop about ourselves.
• 1:40
  Speaker: Maybe someone made a comment about us when we were young.
• 1:43
  Speaker: Maybe we experienced rejection or we failed at something that really mattered to us.
• 1:49
  Speaker: Maybe someone punished us for reasons that didn't make sense.
• 1:54
  Speaker: And as a result, we drew a conclusion about ourselves.
• 1:58
  Speaker: I'm not good enough.
• 2:01
  Speaker: I am too much.
• 2:02
  Speaker: I must be a bad girl.
• 2:04
  Speaker: I'm not lovable.
• 2:06
  Speaker: And at first, maybe it's just a thought, something we tell ourselves in response to an experience.
• 2:14
  Speaker: But then something interesting happens.
• 2:17
  Speaker: We begin to look for evidence that supports it.
• 2:20
  Speaker: We notice the times that we feel rejected.
• 2:24
  Speaker: We remember the criticisms.
• 2:27
  Speaker: We interpret other people's behavior through the lens of what we've already decided is true about us.
• 2:34
  Speaker: And gradually, that thought, just like the rust, begins to spread.
• 2:41
  Speaker: It influences how we interpret our experiences until eventually it becomes so familiar that we stop questioning it.
• 2:49
  Speaker: It just becomes who we are.
• 2:52
  Speaker: Or at least that's what we've come to believe.
• 2:55
  Speaker: And here's something else that struck me about that rusty car.
• 3:00
  Speaker: All that rust was on the back of the vehicle, behind the driver.
• 3:05
  Speaker: And I thought, isn't that interesting?
• 3:07
  Speaker: Because so many of the beliefs that hold us back were formed somewhere in our past, experiences that are now behind us, things people have said, conclusions we drew about ourselves, sometimes decades ago.
• 3:22
  Speaker: And even though those experiences are behind us, the beliefs we formed can continue traveling with us today.
• 3:30
  Speaker: We might not be consciously thinking about them anymore, but that doesn't mean that they're not influencing how we experience our lives.
• 3:38
  Speaker: And then I noticed something else, something that for me became the most interesting part of this whole experience.
• 3:46
  Speaker: I could see the rust, but the driver couldn't, at least not from where they were sitting in the driver's seat.
• 3:53
  Speaker: And suddenly I started thinking about blind spots.
• 3:57
  Speaker: Not the kinds we check when we're changing lanes, although I suppose that's pretty fitting to this story.
• 4:03
  Speaker: I'm talking about the blind spots we have when it comes to ourselves, the beliefs we've carried for so long that we don't even recognize them as beliefs anymore.
• 4:12
  Speaker: You know the ones that are typically easy to see in other people and yet often hard to see in ourselves?
• 4:20
  Speaker: Yeah, those ones.
• 4:22
  Speaker: If you pay attention, you can hear those beliefs permeate how we speak about ourselves.
• 4:28
  Speaker: Sometimes they show up in very common sounding statements like, "I'm just terrible with money," or, "I'm too old to start over," or, "I'm just not a confident person." Or maybe it's not even a statement about ourselves.
• 4:45
  Speaker: Maybe it's just a story we tell about our circumstances, how difficult everything is, or how people always disappoint us, or how things never seem to go our way.
• 4:56
  Speaker: And I want to tread carefully here because of course, life really is difficult at times.
• 5:04
  Speaker: But I think there's a difference between acknowledging a difficult experience and allowing that experience to become the defining story of our lives.
• 5:14
  Speaker: For example, there's a difference between saying, "I'm finding this season of life challenging," and, "Everything gets harder as you get older." One describes what we're experiencing, and the other begins to shape what we expect.
• 5:31
  Speaker: And the more often we repeat these stories, the more familiar they become, and frequently it gets to the point where we don't even hear ourselves saying them anymore.
• 5:40
  Speaker: But here's the point I want to make.
• 5:43
  Speaker: Someone else might be able to see them Someone who knows you well, someone who's a good listener, perhaps a friend who notices how often we dismiss a compliment, or maybe a partner who hears us repeatedly describe ourselves as incapable of something, or maybe it's a colleague who notices that every time we're offered an opportunity, our first response is to explain why we're probably not ready.
• 6:12
  Speaker: Someone who knows us well might recognize a pattern that we've never stopped to consider, and that brings me back to the rusty car.
• 6:22
  Speaker: The driver couldn't see what I could see in that moment, not because they weren't paying attention, but simply because I was looking from a different angle, and I think there's something really valuable in that.
• 6:35
  Speaker: We spend so much time trying to figure ourselves out.
• 6:39
  Speaker: We read books, we listen to podcasts, we reflect on our experiences, we try to become more self-aware, and of course, all these things are great.
• 6:48
  Speaker: But sometimes, no matter how much reflecting we do, there are things we just can't see from where we're standing, and that's where other people can make such a difference.
• 6:59
  Speaker: Now, of course, that doesn't mean everyone else's observations about us are accurate.
• 7:04
  Speaker: People have their own assumptions, their own experiences, and sometimes they project those onto us.
• 7:11
  Speaker: But someone who genuinely knows us, someone we trust, might be able to offer us a perspective we've never considered.
• 7:20
  Speaker: And sometimes one observation can be enough to make us question something we've believed for years.
• 7:28
  Speaker: Not necessarily because it reveals something entirely new, but because it helps us question something we've always assumed was true.
• 7:39
  Speaker: Maybe someone says, "Have you ever noticed how quickly you dismiss your accomplishments?" Or, "You talk about yourself as though you're always letting people down.
• 7:51
  Speaker: I wonder where that comes from." Or perhaps they say, "I've noticed that whenever something good is about to happen, you immediately start talking about everything that could go wrong." And suddenly, thanks to their observation, we can hear ourselves differently.
• 8:11
  Speaker: We begin to recognize a story we've been repeating without even realizing it.
• 8:17
  Speaker: And here's something else I love about this.
• 8:20
  Speaker: We can do this for one another.
• 8:23
  Speaker: If you've been listening to Banish the Lies for a while, you already know that much of what we explore here is about recognizing and questioning the beliefs that keep us stuck.
• 8:33
  Speaker: And although we're doing that work in our own lives, I don't think we have to do it alone.
• 8:39
  Speaker: In fact, I wonder what might happen if we became a little more intentional about helping one another recognize these stories.
• 8:48
  Speaker: Not by going around pointing out everyone's limiting beliefs.
• 8:52
  Speaker: I mean, seriously, can you imagine us saying like, "Excuse me, I couldn't help noticing you've got a rather significant limiting belief happening there." Probably not the best way to make friends.
• 9:04
  Speaker: But what if we gave the people we trust permission to reflect back what they notice?
• 9:12
  Speaker: What if we actually invited that kind of conversation?
• 9:15
  Speaker: Because I think most of us have people in our lives who care about us and want to see us thrive, and sometimes those people can recognize things about us that we are simply too close to see.
• 9:29
  Speaker: So here's my invitation to you this week.
• 9:33
  Speaker: Think of someone you trust, someone who knows you well, someone who cares about you, someone who can be honest with you but also kind, and consider asking them this question: "When you listen to the way I talk about myself or my life, is there a story you hear me repeating that might be holding me back?" And then if they're willing to share something, see if you can simply listen.
• 10:00
  Speaker: Depending on what they share, you might feel an immediate urge to explain yourself or defend your perspective, and that's totally understandable.
• 10:10
  Speaker: But see if you can resist that urge, at least for a moment, and just stay curious.
• 10:15
  Speaker: Ask them what they've noticed, and then ask them when they've heard you say it, and then give yourself some time to think about it.
• 10:24
  Speaker: You don't have to necessarily agree with everything they say, and you certainly don't have to accept their perspective as the truth.
• 10:32
  Speaker: But perhaps there's something in what they share that helps you see something that has been hard to see by yourself.
• 10:39
  Speaker: And maybe at that point, you can offer that same gift to someone else because I think there's something really beautiful about people helping one another see beyond the stories they've come to believe.
• 10:52
  Speaker: And perhaps that's one of the ways we can support each other in this little Banish the Lies community, not by pretending we have it all figured out or even assuming that we have to figure everything out on our own, but by being willing to question what we think about ourselves and by helping one another do the same.
• 11:13
  Speaker: You know, it's kind of funny.
• 11:15
  Speaker: I have no idea who was driving that rusty car, and I'm quite certain they had no idea that the back of their vehicle was about to inspire an entire podcast episode.
• 11:26
  Speaker: But I'm grateful for that little moment on the way to school because it reminded me that sometimes the things holding us back aren't necessarily hidden.
• 11:35
  Speaker: They might just be sitting somewhere where we can't see from where we're standing.
• 11:41
  Speaker: And maybe, just maybe, someone who cares about us can help us see them.
• 11:48
  Speaker: So I'll leave you with one question.
• 11:52
  Speaker: What story might you be carrying around that someone else can hear even when you can't?
• 11:59
  Speaker: And until next time, my friend, keep questioning those lies Thanks for listening to Banish The Lies.
• 12:10
  Speaker: If today's episode resonated with you, take a moment to let it settle in.
• 12:14
  Speaker: And maybe share it with a friend who could use it too.
• 12:17
  Speaker: Lies, lose their power when we're brave enough to challenge them.
• 12:21
  Speaker: I'm Tania Cervoni, and until next time, be kind to yourself.
• 12:26
  Speaker: And remember, you're not broken, you're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.