Latest / Reality TV Cringe / 79: Temptation Island - Mile Under Club + Secrets Revealed (S5 E9/13)

Transcript

79: Temptation Island - Mile Under Club + Secrets Revealed (S5 E9/13) · Reality TV Cringe

0:11
Shit we just watched. I'll take Judge Judy anytime over that horseshit, that
0:17
infernal horseshit, absolute horseshit. I can't take it. I can't take it.
0:23
I was literally giddy. I was I felt my blood pressure rising.
0:27
Dude, I was getting like disoriented watching that. I was like because I
0:31
was like lightheaded, and I'm like, I want to go to bed right
0:34
now. Am I on the verge of this hypnogogue rance? I mean,
0:40
am I dancing in hell? Why is it that every time I watched this
0:43
fucking show, I don't remember the beginning of it. Like, I literally
0:48
cannot retain the show every time I watch it. I was taking notes because
0:52
you know, because we watched it together. This is my second time,
0:55
and I'm like, I don't even remember the notes that I just took.
0:58
This episode was so fucking boring. I guess we're starting the podya I reco
1:06
Well, welcome to reality TV cringe, where we serve up all the trash
1:10
that is fit to eat. But I don't know if this trash is fit
1:11
to eat. We're gonna have to turn some shit into gold, rotten garbage
1:15
that if we're starving I guess we have to consume it, but I'm just
1:19
like, oh my god, I feel like this is our world right now.
1:23
Everything is less quality than it used to be, right like sweatshirts.
1:29
I remember when sweatshirts were fucking thick, spongy and beautiful, and now every
1:34
single sweatshirt is thin and it pills after the second wash. Everything sucks.
1:40
Everything is made terribly and that includes damn dally fucked up and I hate it.
1:49
All the story here are so fucking so mad this entire episode. All
1:53
we do is we go on our final dates. Yes, and it takes
1:57
forever and they are so bored. Yeah, And it's each fucking couple just
2:01
reinforcing how much they like each other, even though we know half of them
2:05
are going to go back with their original totals. The only actual honest person
2:09
on these final dates was Rob, but he's also so dumb. Oh my
2:14
god, dumb is a box of rocks. For just listening to him talk
2:16
makes me want, oh my god, oh god, you're so dumb all
2:24
over. The one that makes me the most mad is Great because he's so
2:30
very obviously, so fucking stupid, and all he wants to do is fuck,
2:35
how's he an engineer? I can we revisit that conversation. He's not
2:38
an actual engineer. He's like a coffee engineer or like a janitorial engineer.
2:45
Oh my god, he's so dumb, so fu and Nafisa is trying to
2:49
have a real conversation with him, and I'm like, girl, why are
2:52
you wasting your up to that conversation? Honey, he's literally just thinking about
2:57
what he needs to say to get you to take your clothes. That's it,
3:00
right, that's it. She's so pretty and you know she's bright,
3:02
she's smart, like she's intelligent. Yeah, you can see her brain has
3:07
been mapped sufficiently for her to have some fucking higher level conversations in life.
3:12
Meanwhile, this engineer of a person is just sitting there like a big dummy.
3:16
He's a big oah, just a big oh a dummy. I'm like,
3:21
what are you bringing to the table, grap How are you going to
3:23
make anybody's life better? He won't. You can't even make your own life
3:27
better. No, you're going to continue to cheat on each woman. Why
3:30
do you have to make a commitment to a woman in the first place?
3:32
Right exactly? Why can't you just be single, be a lothario, be
3:36
out there just slanging the dick, because I know a lot of girls want
3:39
that though. That's the thing. A lot of girls when the commitment,
3:43
they want a guy to care immunion. I hate him, It's ridiculous.
3:46
Who don't I hate on this show Maricella, But I'm starting to hate her
3:50
too, with her fucking glassed over eyes. Every time she's having a conversation
3:54
with Christie ass and moving her little sexy hips, I'm like, why got
3:59
I know she looks like she's drunk. Dude, she looks like she's drunk.
4:02
You medd you can hide the entire day. Okay, let's pull back.
4:06
Let's pull all the way back, because I can't take it. I
4:12
have to say, first, please, if you guys are offended easily,
4:15
if you like podcasts, that word police, send out of here overly fucking
4:18
administer their authoritarian bullshit on their podcast and go somewhere else as a dumpster.
4:24
Yeah, we don't do that here for real. Also the follow us on
4:28
Instagram at reality tv Gride. We also have a Patreon, Patreon, dot
4:30
com slash reality tv Gride, and there's a lot more entertaining stuff on there.
4:35
Yeah, and help to support us because we just want to create more
4:38
content. And I realize and acknowledge. Yeah again with such humility after self,
4:45
what is it flagellating or flag when you fucking whip yourself like fucking Catholic
4:48
priest just whipping deaseuth whipping myself about this fucking show that I made us all
4:53
watch at this dumpster And I'm just like, I blame you so very sorry.
4:56
You know what, ninety Day Last Resort better be fun, So please
5:00
better be good. If you want us to do this, do it if
5:01
you want us to watch it. And although the raccoons want us to watch
5:03
it, better bean gut listen, we know our primary source of energy.
5:12
Yeah, Divine dispensation, which is Sister Wives, is coming back next fucking
5:15
week. Oh I'm ready in September. Oh oh my bad, I'm so
5:20
on it. So that's going to be what we're primarily focusing on. Ninety
5:25
Day Fiance Last Resort is just going to be some loosey, goosey supplemental We're
5:30
going crazy talking. It better be entertainting. Did you see some of the
5:33
previews that they were doing. Yeah, with Angela yes, and all the
5:38
people are like, oh my god, he looks so good. I'm like,
5:39
really, oh, is like listen, they look like they're centering Angela.
5:46
I know that's because she's the only one there by herself, but I
5:49
don't care. That's because she's unlovable and nobody ever wants to be around her.
5:53
Oh so why are they centering in it? Can we talk about TLC
5:57
please? Like, why would you create a S? And there are so
6:00
many other couples that you could still Oh yeah, you could go back through
6:04
the fucking annals of time and get anthisa probably in some sort of bodybuilding competition
6:11
as we speak, and George who lost one hundred pounds. Bring them back
6:14
onto my TV and I'd be happy to see them. But Angela, well,
6:17
you know, and you remember Dan Yell from that that really steaky girl
6:21
you know I'm talking about I do? She would have been way better,
6:25
way better her and Mohammad. Yes, I would have been writing for that
6:30
with my popcorn every fucking Monday. Angela, do we really need? I
6:33
just didn't want to be her time. I know she seems centered, but
6:38
we're gonna I'm just not going to invest is all I'm saying, and Colanni
6:42
Inezuela, did you see those previews? Apparently somebody'd been cheat. I think
6:46
it was a Suelou. That's what people are saying. Okay, I can't
6:51
see it if it's laying down with that Asuelu. Man, I'm sorry.
6:56
I don't mean nobody I know. But they were in Samoa. It was
7:00
like a tropical paradise. It was like a vacation. Honey, she was
7:04
partying. I don't know. I don't know how drunk i'd have to be.
7:08
I mean, really right, I don't get it. But anyway,
7:12
he's such a They're all dumb. Everybody's dumb. Oh, and Jovi,
7:15
you know, is going to be body sham in Yara for sure? What
7:18
Yeah on Instagram like body shaming Yarra, Yes, because on the wife,
7:24
Yes, she will post things and she's like, yeah, Jovi wants me
7:28
to wear like more sexy clothing because he thinks I look like a grandma.
7:31
And I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with Jovi? So Jovi's gonna
7:34
be body shame probably his beautiful wife Yara, but not some of the other
7:40
people. Okay, I'd like to see that, and then fucking big Head
7:46
and Liz. Dude, why is Liz with big Head for fame and claw
7:49
out? I mean because she's on TLC in fucking perpetuity. Why can't you
7:54
just do it only fans? Like everybody else who wants fame and clout?
7:58
I don't know, find somebody else, go the other way for ninety days,
8:01
or we're going to heat yourself so much to be with Big Ed.
8:05
I mean reels just collapsing in on himself. He's like one foot short or
8:09
I'm like, where is your are your eyes picking up about turtleback? I
8:13
don't understand what. I don't want to body shame and I just want to
8:16
make it. I want to make an eating No, we have to not
8:18
do that. Okay. Obviously Big Ed has talked about his physique. I
8:24
mean it is unusual. God bless him at all. It takes a village,
8:28
yeah, of weirdos for this show. But I just don't want to
8:31
incessantly body shame him. Yeah, oor Angela or Angela? Okay? Can
8:35
we try not to do that? Do you think it is a dumpster?
8:39
And honestly, people, this is what we're talking about. Yeah, don't
8:41
come out here just trying to cancel us. We're just being honest. We're
8:45
normal, fucking people have eyes that see. We can see with our eyes
8:50
and hear with our fucking ears. So we want to tell the truth,
8:52
and we just want the people come closer, come into the dumpster. We
8:56
want the people who want to talk in real ways. Yes, truth,
9:00
honesty. I'm tired of like the cookie cutter, sugarcoat and bullshit. Can
9:03
we just be honest? I don't know because we're a little mean. We
9:09
are, but we are not recording it out. Yes, and oh yeah,
9:11
sometimes we are recording. I do have to edit that shit out.
9:15
I feel like we should have like a Patreon version that is unedited, totally
9:18
uncensored. Would you guys like that? Oh my god, I feel like
9:22
we're going to go to hell. Girl, I don't care. We're going
9:24
to be on TMZ or something for being absolute bitches. But the thing is
9:28
we're pretty we're pretty woke. Yeah, you're a straight up and I'm a
9:33
supporter. Yeah I'm not woke. I'd say you're you're okay, Okay,
9:39
we're awake. I'm sorry, I'm gen X over here. Whatever. I
9:41
just feel like we landed on the right side of issues for sure. It's
9:45
just that we're such fucking catastrophes in terms of our person like, we just
9:50
cannot stop ourselves. I'm just screaming into the void, y'all. If y'all
9:52
even knew when we're not on this fucking pod, don't even know. Well,
9:56
we're watching this ship Island. I'm you're in My dog mean, what,
10:03
poor fucking dog. He's like, what's wrong? Mom? I'm like,
10:05
give people, okay before we get into Temptation Island, and I feel
10:11
like we only have about five minutes the things to say about it, because
10:13
it was so devoid of any content. Well, that's why we're going to
10:16
be watching the extra episode that they posted Secrets Revealed, Okay, because I
10:22
thought we saw in a preview where somebody who looked like Caitlin was getting into
10:28
a shower with a woman and a man. At no time in any episode
10:35
have you seen anything even resembling that remotely? I know, we haven't really
10:39
seen very much risk ay stuff happening. Besides like Christopher fucking Jack cammering.
10:46
That was grody. Yeah, that was uncomfortable. Well, and a lot
10:50
of boobs and tits and I'm seeing your future children through your uterisk. I
10:54
don't really need to see your unit this hole. Thanks McKay. Jesus Christ,
11:01
that's so funny. Yeah, but it hasn't nothing sexy. Even when
11:05
they're like making out. You're like, is this sexy because you're head or
11:07
sexual? Yes? I'm like not at all. No, it's but is
11:09
it because I'm old? No? Because even these men, I'm like,
11:13
because look, I might be a lawyers, but I can understand the swagger,
11:16
the confidence. I can I can appreciate a sexy man. Okay.
11:20
It doesn't mean I don't want to fuck him, but I'm just saying.
11:22
None of these men, oh, none of them, not one, not
11:26
even doing anything. Not any of the single men, no nothing. None
11:30
of the taken men, all of them. They suck absolutely nothing, nothing
11:33
sexy about them. That's why I'm telling you we have to watch and maybe
11:37
we could recap it together. We could watch it together. We need to
11:41
watch Pride and Prejudice two thousand and four with Kiera Knightley. Oh my god,
11:46
girl, I watched I watched it again yesterday or the other day.
11:48
We don't listen. It's so romantic. Really, well, did you ever
11:54
read any Jane Austen No, okay, sorry, I don't read Oregon Public
11:58
Schools. Is him? Yeah, but it is so romantically yes. And
12:03
I when I first started watching this version of it, because I also saw
12:07
the one from the nineties, which was an episodic on BBS, which I
12:09
also loved to call him first, but I saw the leading dude, mister
12:13
Darcy, and I'm like, oh, I don't think he's sexy. He's
12:18
not hand thumb. And by the end of it, at the end of
12:20
it, I'm like, get in here, baby, pop Dart. His
12:24
eyes are smoldering, Beatrice. Even though you're getting even though we'd like to
12:31
watch romances together, you will love this ship. But it's kind of smart.
12:33
I mean it's like older or English. Can you handle that? Yeah?
12:37
I can hit sure. I might pause it and be like, what
12:39
does that word mean? I think you'll get it. There's a lot of
12:43
dancing and then family dynamics, and I do like a Karan nighty. She
12:48
is pretty, she's always posing. Oh my god. Oh, we have
12:52
to watch it, okay, and then we can review. Because nothing in
12:56
Temptation Island even comes fractionally close to approximating even a little bit of sexy,
13:03
pride and prejudices. Good. These fucking singles suck, all of them suck.
13:07
They all suck, and there's no chemistry and they're all putting it on
13:11
for the Graham. They're just trying to make TV. There's nothing authentic here,
13:15
nothing at all. You can put this show to sleep. Yeah,
13:16
for real, we don't need it. We don't need another season of this
13:20
unless you get a lot better. Yeah, bring real couples with real problems,
13:26
really sexy that are sexy, real bodies, all of that, and
13:28
to it as long as it's real, not this fucking performative, manufactured bullshit.
13:33
Yeah, it's ridiculous. Now, we do need to take just a
13:37
moment to talk about the Maui fires. And I don't want to bring the
13:39
house down too much because I know this is a comedy podcast. But I
13:43
was born in lahnah Yeah, my father went to school in Maui, in
13:50
Lahina and I visited. Obviously, I've still got family in Hawaii, and
13:54
what has happened there is just crazy to me. Yeah, really bad,
14:00
really bad. I guess the death toll at the time of this recording,
14:03
we're recording this on Sunday, is ninety three, there's still a lot of
14:07
people missing. Yeah, there's still a lot of resources that are needed.
14:11
I think people are starting to pick up, like sending the FED over there,
14:15
sending the National Guard out and just trying to help find people. But
14:18
it's so fucking tragic. I cannot even fathom it. It's really bad.
14:22
And I heard that like the sirens didn't even go off, like there was
14:24
no warning. The cell towers are down, so like nobody can call for
14:28
help, right, and they didn't even get like some of the notifications that
14:31
were coming in that there was a wildfire. People didn't even know. And
14:35
it moves so quickly that they didn't have time. So you have people just
14:37
kind of running in the streets or skateboarding down the streets, trying to get
14:41
to the ocean, jumping in the ocean. It's fucking horrible. And so
14:46
I say all this to say that we're going to drop a link in the
14:50
description of this podcast, and even if it's one fucking book, if it's
14:52
five bucks, ten bucks, that you can send it would be super helpful.
14:56
And I know Bethany Frankel, she's a real housewife New York. She's
15:01
got her be strong charity, and she's already got some representation there. She's
15:05
trying to get gift cards together. Because what people need right now is just
15:09
to be able to relocate to somewhere safe, hotel room, a fucking airbnb,
15:13
get some food, and find their family. That's how devastating it is.
15:16
And so we'll drop a link and if you guys, you know,
15:18
have a dollar to give. I know it's hard economic times for everybody.
15:22
Yeah, but these people need our help. Yeah, or if you can
15:24
at least share it, that would be good to share it. Yeah,
15:28
our prayers for Maui prayers all right, switching gears. Yeah, because of
15:35
course Temptation Island is filmed on Mauie. I think Mark Wahlberg also is speaking
15:39
out about this and godly so. But let's get into this show, which
15:45
I don't know it was just Return from the Bonfires, and we start at
15:50
the women's villa with Paris coming in with a bad attitude. Girl. I
15:54
mean, she's got a stank attitude. She's always got a bad attitude.
15:56
She's super immature, like child, middle school, fucking crush bullshit, and
16:03
she's like all upset because great's just cheating. I'm like but aren't you.
16:07
Yeah, you're cheating too. You're talking about sucking dicks and making out with
16:11
Taijik and go in to bed with him. Not self aware at all,
16:15
can't take any responsibility, isn't accountable for her own actions. She's just absolutely
16:19
a lost cause. Is she even a real person? I don't know.
16:22
But she's mad. Sebastian comes up to her, or just even walks into
16:26
the kitchen, Yeah, walks by her, and she does, fuck you,
16:30
Sebastian. Yeah, because she's mad that nobody's you know, coming to
16:33
her, asking for running after her, chasing her to find all about her
16:37
if she's okay, because she's such an immature baby. Yes, she needs
16:41
to be a damsel in distress and have somebody chase her with Robin Brown,
16:45
that's right, which Taijik won't do. And of course Taijik is the object
16:48
of her infection. Infection, we won't edit that out. Taijik is the
16:56
object of her infection. And he's like sitting in the living room. He's
17:00
like, I'm not talking to her because when she gets like this, I
17:02
know that I need to dip for the night yet, but I gotta give
17:04
her space, But he also doesn't get a ship though about her. He
17:07
doesn't care for her. I don't even think he wants to sex her down.
17:12
I don't. I mean, I'm not a guy, so I know
17:15
guys will stick it in any willing hand totally. So maybe he's down.
17:18
But I'm like, I don't think he likes her or has any affection for
17:22
her whatsoever. I think he can't stand her, yeah, because she's annoying.
17:26
Honestly, she's like super hypercritical and then she'll have a moment where she's
17:30
good, and then she'll have this moment where she's throwing a fucking tantrum over
17:33
nothing. It's just like, you're dumb, You're dumb. Yeah, she's
17:37
dumb. I mean he does end up apologizing to her. Yeah, I
17:41
know I should have come and chased you like the princess you are. But
17:45
I'm learning you, yeah, and finding out like how you take and everything.
17:49
And she's like, Okay, thank you. Do you want to go
17:52
on my final date with you? This is what he's doing. Yeah.
17:55
I think they're getting paid per episode or paid like for the amount of time
18:00
that they're on camera. That would make a lot of sense. So she
18:03
wants to stay on camera and continue to get a fucking paycheck, and yeah,
18:06
I guess he'll bang of course. Yeah, of course. So all
18:10
the fucking singles get asked if they want to be on a date, right,
18:15
and so a couple of them don't. So like on the girl's side,
18:18
it was Tia forever alone, Yeah, Tammy who makes a spectacle out
18:23
of herself every week. And then Abby, who we know Christopher liked,
18:27
yeah initially, but then she called him a narc yep, and so then
18:32
nobody else touched her, of course, and so she cries upon leaving the
18:34
villa because she's gonna not have the paycheck either. Yeah. Well she hasn't
18:38
even really been in any of the scenes, so it's like, you're not
18:41
gonna get paid, are you? Yeah? Why are you here? And
18:45
the women's villa who leaves, We've got Christian, that blonde kid, and
18:48
then Ai Beard Yeah, and Christian I was like, who the fuck is
18:52
this guy? We haven't seen him at all? Really, well, Christian
18:55
is the guy that Paris said she would suck his dick? What? Yeah,
19:00
he went on the first date with Paris. I thought that she was
19:03
talking about No, she was talking about Christian. That's how indiscriminate she is.
19:08
She doesn't give a fuck if you're even a little bit of sexy,
19:11
she's gonna slang her pone z. Yes it was Christian, so Christian had
19:15
to go. He's boring an Ai Beard, who is an aerospace engineer and
19:19
if you ask me, is way more compatible and a better fit for Caitlyn
19:23
sure than the fucking personal trainer Sebi or Sebastian who's just a fuck boy for
19:29
real. And he's like twenty four, so he's younger than her fucking Ai
19:33
Beer was older. He's more established. Yeah, he's got a real job,
19:37
just like does Hall work. We don't think, so, I don't
19:38
think. I don't know if he's got a job. But this guy's got
19:41
a real job. He's passibly attractive with the weird tattooed on beard. Yeah,
19:47
I mean, she's making weird choices. But she asked Sebastian to go
19:49
on a date. I don't know why go on an overnight date with her
19:52
too? Why Paris goes with Taijik, Maricela goes with Christian Christie, and
20:00
then Vanessa of course chooses Bryce, who's just like a captive. At this
20:03
point, it's like she's like a fucking she's blinked twite. If you need
20:08
help, She's like, I guess I'll go God, I guess I'll play
20:11
along. He is that with her, really, So let's talk about their
20:15
date, please, because I saw too much of it, way too much
20:18
airtime for nothing. And Vanessa is trying so hard to be that sickly sweet,
20:23
like, oh, you're just doing so much. I'm really enjoying myself,
20:29
trying to be soft, trying to be feminine, which we know doesn't
20:32
come naturally for her. Of course, she just wants to beat people up
20:33
with a baseball bat. That's her actual inclination. So they go on a
20:38
few dates or whatever, and at one point he says, can I kiss
20:42
you? Yeah? And she says no, but you can kiss me on
20:45
my cheek and my neck because I love it when you do that. It's
20:48
real sexy control control Because he asked because he wanted it. She said no,
20:52
but then you can kiss me in the corners of my mouth. Yeah.
20:56
And right before that, when they were eaten oysters, think, you
21:00
know, this is like a natural effrodisiac, So like, are you gonna
21:03
make a move later because I want you to. So she says that,
21:06
and then he asks to kiss and then she says no, and then when
21:08
he kisses her next, she kind of pulls away. Yeah, I don't
21:11
know what she's doing that. She does this later, like it's either the
21:14
next day or something. They're sitting outside of their condo or their apartment and
21:18
he's trying to be affectionate again and she pulls away. Yeah, because maybe
21:22
she's not in him because she wants Rob. Yeah, it's really weird.
21:27
But like in her talking head, she's like, Rob's gotta worry, like
21:30
he's got something to worry about with Bryce, Like doesn't all he doesn't.
21:33
Bryce doesn't want you. Bryce is probably afraid for his very life. He's
21:37
not sexually attracted to even though the way they kind of set it up on
21:42
the night of their date, like it seemed like they were going to go
21:45
in and they were gonna fuck. But I don't know if she fucks Bryce,
21:49
and I don't know if Bryce wants to fuck her. I don't know.
21:52
Like I feel like they are all fucking. I feel like they're all
21:59
what I don't I feel like Marisela and Christian are probably tucking, and we
22:03
know Christopher and Alexis are fucking, and now I guess MICHAELA and all are
22:07
bucking. But I mean a Fisa and great, oh god, I guess
22:10
everybody's fucking. Yes, say I think they're all. It's just Robin does
22:12
that aren't fucking? And Paris and Tajik because Paris is saying they don't fuck,
22:17
which is so such a lie, dude, that's such a lie.
22:21
So let's go through the couples one by one and just talk about some of
22:25
the highlights of their dates. There's nothing, There's really nothing. It was
22:27
so born. I'm like, they're back on the TV in the same date.
22:30
Why am I here? Why are we watching this? Isn't my time
22:33
worth anything in life? Seriously? What am I caring? Don't you care
22:37
about the fans we're watching this shit? They honestly not. No, it's
22:41
fucking filler, dude. Yes, it's terrible. Okay, So let's start
22:44
with Paris and Tajik. They go on some fucking submarine verstible vehicle to view
22:48
the Titanic Ocean gate vehicle and they please blow up, please blow up,
22:52
please blow up? Doesn't blow up? And Paris as inappropriate as she is
22:59
so inappropriate. It's like, what would it be like to have sex down
23:02
here in the thunderwater? Must the ball? Well, she doesn't say that,
23:04
she's not smart. Yeah, and he's like, I'm down. What
23:07
did they call it? The mile? So vapid? I hate so terrible
23:14
dude, and that sub drivers just like, please kill me. What's happening
23:18
here? Do they have sex that night? Seems that they are? They
23:22
totally yes, they really haven't sex. There's no conversation in each of these
23:27
dates records. All they're doing is saying, I really like you. I
23:30
can really what's going to happen after the island? You see a future with
23:34
you? Everybody says the same thing, and then they fuck or they don't,
23:37
and that's it. That's it. And then some of them are like,
23:41
well, I don't know if I'm going to choose you or the partner
23:44
where I came with. I think only Rob said that. Well no,
23:48
because Paris was like, I'm thinking about Gray and I just don't know.
23:52
Well, she said something like what if what if Gray wants me back?
23:56
Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do. That's what I'm saying.
23:57
She's gonna pick him. She's gonna be great. Yes, you don't think.
24:03
I hope Taijik and sourceles her sufficiently that she thinks she has a shot
24:10
with him and picks him, and then Taijik just dumps her because you know
24:14
there's a reunion to this, right mail draws. Yes, you were telling
24:15
me that that might actually be a little entertaining, especially if Hall gets dumped,
24:21
Like we all know, he's going to be fucking I'm going to stop
24:25
right there. We don't body shamess Beatrice, but he's gonna get dumped by
24:29
Mikayla, who, by the way it came out last week, is a
24:32
playboy model, even though her occupation underneath her name in the show says student
24:37
student of Dick, student of Dick, student of Born. She's but that's
24:41
cool. I mean, I think that's pretty prestigious actually, to be a
24:45
model and playboy. Maybe that's because I'm a boomer. I don't know.
24:48
I'm not a boomer, I'm not, But I mean she's a playboy model.
24:55
She's got a lot of men in her or a bit that are way
24:57
more handsome than small and its way way more fucking dynamic with charisma. So
25:03
I just don't see this lasting. What do you? Because right before this,
25:10
you were like, we were getting onto the hall and fucking michaela day
25:14
and you were like, I bet he's a five inches or less or less
25:19
five inches is generous your body. I just can't. I mean, he
25:25
doesn't have bde, he doesn't bring any of that big dick energy. I'm
25:29
sorry. He's such a shmow total, such a wild bump. Yes,
25:33
oh my god, a dope, yes, ding dong. Why MICHAELA,
25:37
you have millions of men in your orbit, Why would you even spend the
25:41
time and why would you open your legs for this fucking milk time white boy
25:45
from wherever? Because she says, I think I'm fine, in love fully
25:51
in love with you for real, for real. I can't wait for that
25:56
reunion. I know. So I thought the most interesting thing was the date
26:02
with Robin Does because Rob tells her pretty straightforward Lee that he may go back
26:11
to Vanessa, like I fucking predicted, right, And I think you're right.
26:15
You you're such a I'm such a real fake, such a real fake
26:18
site thing. I feel like he's trying to let her down here a little
26:25
bit, a little bit yeah, while holding some of it back because he
26:27
still wants the poon. Yeah, but like they don't fuck, though allegedly
26:33
he says, yeah, I think she sucked his dick though maybe because she's
26:37
she seems like she's actually into him for some reason. And I don't get
26:41
it. Why don't any of these women have any self respect? I know,
26:48
Paris no self respect, Caitlin a little self respect, I guess,
26:52
I mean, but why are you Why did you take all back the second
26:55
time to have eyes? Do you can see them? So? No self
26:59
respect? And then we have Vanessa, she's got too much self respect.
27:02
She's on the borderline narc she's I think. And then Maricella, who's trying
27:08
to find her self respect. Yeah, so we have a little hope for
27:11
her, but she's the only one out of all those women. And then
27:15
the singles Mikaela, you have no self respect. You're making a fool out
27:18
of yourself on tell Nefisa, are you kidding me right now? Really?
27:22
You are trying to get with the dopest dope, dost dopest dopeust dope on
27:30
this fucking show. He is so stupid. He doesn't give a shit about
27:33
her at all. Duty is so fucking He's really dumb. I'm sorry.
27:38
I need to have what am I a sapio sexual? I need to be
27:41
able to have a conversation where we're both speaking the same language and we're both
27:45
like talking about things of interest and maybe a value on this planet where you
27:48
challenge me. Really, that's right, there's none of that with this man.
27:52
I know he doesn't have the brain mapping. There's no fucking lines in
27:56
his brain. It's a smooth brain. Be address not right. That is
28:03
so funny. I hate her and I hate her because she has no self
28:06
respect none, and she just wants to leave the islands with him. I'm
28:08
just being afraid to be vulnerable in see this to him, and but he
28:12
have to admit I want to really like him. Why gets him self respect?
28:18
Seriously? And then fucking Alexius absolutely no self respect because she just fucked
28:22
Chris On like the first day. I feel like she's super young, she's
28:26
but I mean she's got no self respect none, like you're buying with this
28:29
older guy. Fucking slam poet is having to say about I'm so excited with
28:34
how much you're willing to work for this relationship, bitch, it's been two
28:37
weeks on MAUI seriously, Christopher's getting thinner, you pointed, as he looks
28:44
like he's lost about fucking eating because he's pining for Maricella, who's the hottest
28:48
bitch on this island right now. And even though he is so fucking critical
28:52
and puts Maricella down, says that she's not worth it, she's got bad
28:57
credit, all this shit that makes her feel about herself. He knows that
29:00
she's the best fucking thing that's ever happening. Yep. And he's such a
29:04
piece of shit. He like the way he says those things, like,
29:07
you know, I've never had anybody really put in the same work, and
29:11
I put it into a relationship even though I cheated on Maricella. He's such
29:17
a piece of shit. And he's going to try and manipulate Maricella into getting
29:21
back with him. Bet Oh, I'm sure. I mean, if not
29:23
at the final bonfire, certain directly thereafter he tells to be blotted from my
29:29
consciousness. I never even heard his name ever or saw his face, thank
29:33
you. Yep. Being miserable without Maricella, I don't care. Yeah,
29:36
nobody stuck Maricella deserves to be happy, yes, and fully bisexual and in
29:40
her glory doing whatever the fuck she wants. She don't need you, dude,
29:42
you snuck ye who are we forgetting? That's it. The males okay,
29:48
male singles, Oh god, Oh who cares? I don't care.
29:52
I just like none of the women have any self respect except from Maricella,
29:56
who's starting to learn to have some self respect him. I want that for
30:00
you, Marissella. Yes, I feel bad for you that you did the
30:02
show, because it doesn't necessarily put you in a good light, especially if
30:04
you're super concerned about your very conservative and strict family. Yes, there's going
30:10
to be a fallout from all of this, but like, maybe that's what
30:11
you wanted to force the issue. Well maybe Christiane is like super and this
30:15
is what I'm saying, like a couple ego, so odays ago. He's
30:18
probably happy that she's by. He's probably like, this is fucking sweet.
30:22
It's not so this is a summer playing. No, he would stay with
30:26
her, and they even kind of talk about it at the end of their
30:29
date the morning after, like this has been so fun, Like, yeah,
30:32
what are we going to be friends? Cuddle buddies, and he's just
30:34
like, I don't know, but I just want to like stay connected.
30:37
I think he likes her, but I don't think she wants to be with
30:41
him. I hope not. She needs to work on herself, yeah,
30:44
she needs like one to two to five years of being by yourself, getting
30:48
some therapy, making yourself happy, and then look for a partner for sure.
30:52
Yeah, and may it be a female. Yes. So that's really
30:56
all we have to say about the episode we are about to watch. We
31:00
haven't watched it yet, so we're gonna go away, get incensed again,
31:04
and come back and scream. But we are going to go watch Secrets Revealed.
31:10
Yeah, because hopefully that's more entertaining. Maybe we'll see the threesome scene
31:14
and more sex scenes. I just don't want to see Chris jackhammering it until
31:19
uncomfortable. All right, So we'll take a break right now for ads.
31:22
When we come back, we will have watched this goddamn show and we're gonna
31:26
be talking about it. We're gonna lose more brain cells, that's right,
31:32
all right, we are back, raccoons. We watched the Riveting Secrets Revealed
31:37
episode of Tim tejan Alion. I'm pissed. Look, I had to actually
31:42
pause and test my blood pressure to make sure I wasn't having a hypertensive crisis
31:49
because I was so annoyed at the profound waste of my fucking time, such
31:55
a waste of time. Half of the fucking episode was shit that we had
31:57
already seen, I know. And in the other half was just watching romances
32:02
happen with some of the singles and some of the dudes, and then a
32:06
girl romance between Paris and fucking Caitlin, which I don't care about. I
32:08
don't care about it at all. We also saw the critters of segments of
32:13
the episode, which is all of the bugs that exist on Maui, because
32:15
hello, it's a tropical fucking island. Of course, there's gonna be lizards,
32:21
there's gonna be birds, there's gonna be frogs, there's gonna be roaches.
32:23
Yes, they do fly in Hawaii. God, those roaches were big
32:27
though. We call them seven seven and there. Why once had a seven
32:30
forty seven fly right into my hair and get stuck in there because I have
32:36
a tangle of hair like you do. Yeah, yeah, so somebody had
32:38
to get it out of my hair. I was freaking the fuck out.
32:40
I hate that. So that's a bummer. But like, what did you
32:44
guys expect coming to an island? Hello, we start with like their first
32:47
night there. Yeah, well it's like their final night, but it's a
32:52
bonus night for the original couples, right, But I mean they're like unpacking
32:55
there in their rooms and everybody's fucking bitching. Christopher's bitching. Yeah, I
33:00
guess they already took my phone. He's yelling at Marisela. Vanessa is bitching
33:05
because she's so fucking hot because they don't have air conditioning in these I'm like,
33:09
so, how hot is it actually there? Like it's I don't know,
33:14
I've never been in Hawaii. Yeah, it's like between seventies and nineties
33:16
typically, And if they were there during the winter filming and then that's the
33:21
rainy season, so you're probably in the seventies eighties five, very humid,
33:25
but I don't know when they were filming. Yeah, but if you were
33:29
on the Big Island, for example, if you were up by the volcano
33:30
by Kilauea, like it gets down into the fifties, damn and sometimes colder.
33:35
So it just depends where you are in the alien. Yeah, but
33:37
they're on Maui. They're like around to Lahinah and it looks like so it's
33:42
hot. But I mean, didn't you know that coming into it? I
33:44
mean, why do I got to look at roaches people? Right? Why
33:45
do I got to see them bitching at each other? Like? We didn't
33:49
see any fucking sex scenes, that is all I wanted to see. We
33:52
didn't see that that threesome? What was that about? So what are you
33:55
guys doing showing us a preview of a threesome? The person looked like Caitlin,
34:00
but we didn't know, and we talked about it at the very beginning.
34:04
It was two chicks and a dude right up going into a shower or
34:07
scent. Yeah, and no mention of that whatsoever, nothing at all.
34:12
Nothing. And there was no bonus bonfire scenes either. No, Like they
34:15
kind of showed some clips, but it was clips that we had already fucking
34:19
seen. Or it was just Smark making jokes at the bonfire and like nobody
34:22
fucking cares, or like Mark going to the villas and counseling the young people
34:28
about their various and sundry problems. I don't care. And they we only
34:32
saw was Tajik and Sebi sebast talking about how Tajik never knew his father and
34:38
he was crying. Yeah, And what pissed me off about this segment was
34:43
like, yeah, it was sad for Tajik, but you're putting this in
34:45
the Secrets Revealed? Yeah, acting like this entire fucking time, we had
34:52
these characters that had depth to them, and we were getting to know them
34:54
and getting to know their backgrounds, and we were actually caring about the people.
34:58
I don't care about any of the people, don't know anything about them.
35:00
We haven't even shown any of that in the whole entire stay. Why
35:05
would you put it in the Secrets reveals? If Taijik is going to be
35:07
one of the main characters, right, why wouldn't you have him telling this
35:10
story actually on the show so that we the viewers can feel like we can
35:15
connect to him as a person, and so therefore we have some kind of
35:17
an investment in the relationship that he's developing with what's her face? But no,
35:21
you're gonna put it in a Secrets Revealed in the middle after we're already
35:27
bored out of our fucking minds and most people have probably abandoned this particular episode.
35:30
I'm like, what is this, what's happening with production? I mean,
35:34
it is so bad, it's so out of touch. I'm like,
35:37
all of this is just a bunch of stupid, fucking scenes that are non
35:39
secret or nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit about any of this
35:44
stuff. I don't care about Paris and Caitlin being friends. I don't care
35:47
about Great and Rob being friends, the two dumbest people on the islands,
35:52
legitimately forensically the dumbest people on those fucking islands I have. I don't care.
36:00
I don't care that Rob can't speak, he can't get a fucking word
36:02
out. Yeah, I don't care, And I would care if the whole
36:07
series showed these people as genuine people. But all it's been showing me is
36:12
just dumb, vapid losers bumping and grind exactly. I mean, we did
36:17
get to see kind of a snapshot of Chris being the freak that he is,
36:22
Yeah, because I was kind of regarding him as this try hard,
36:27
want to be poet, profound dumbassy who's just trying to work over Alexis or
36:31
any girl that he can. But to see him like going full on freakazoid
36:37
humping everybody and everything, him balloons I know I'm talking about is Dick being
36:40
hard and this and that. I was like, Okay, we didn't really
36:44
see that, So I feel like that was the edit. Yeah, I
36:46
guess that was the craziest edit of this whole entire fucking bonus episode. And
36:52
I'm sorry, but if I was like a diehard Temptation Island fan and I
36:57
was waiting for this Secrets Revealed episode, I'd be so mad. Yeah,
37:01
because when you watch, for example, then never before seen scenes from like
37:07
vanderpump Rolls, especially after season ten, this last season, which was so
37:10
fucking juicy, like there's some good shit in there. Yeah, things you
37:14
didn't know and would have wanted to know. That fleshes out the episode right.
37:17
There was nothing. There was really nothing gear or nothing at all.
37:22
It's just maybe hate everybody even more. And the best part about this episode
37:27
was the end when they showed us the preview for next week, Yes,
37:30
the Final Bonfires, which let's talk about that, and then the reunion which
37:36
didn't look that juicy, but we'll talk about that. So the Final Bonfires,
37:39
we basically see Paris arriving and she doesn't have her wig on. She
37:45
looks really fucking edgy and cool. I think she looks pretty cool. That
37:49
was very cool. She's going to meet great who shows up like, looking
37:52
really dapper. We see Robin Vanessa, Yeah, and Vanessa starts flipping out
37:59
angry yes, and then Vanessa starts begging him on her knees. That means
38:05
he's left her aries or thinking about it, or he's given her some sort
38:09
of I don't know feedback that she doesn't want to hear. I live,
38:14
I breathe. I want so desperately for that to be the case, which
38:17
is what I said, which is my fake psychic prediction, which is that
38:22
Rob like everybody else on that island, is not going to want Vanessa in
38:25
the end. God, I please do not go back, Pitch, do
38:31
not go back to her. We see Christopher and Marisella, and Christopher's calling
38:37
her out for being in bed with Christianne and she's like, well that was
38:40
after I saw you in the hammock with Alexis talking about your dick being hard
38:45
bit yes, and he's just kind of got a oop yeah face because she's
38:50
calling him out. Yeah, but I just don't want her to fall for
38:52
his ship though, because she's also kind of like rob where she feels like
38:57
she could be easily manipulated. And I just don't want you to go back
39:00
to this asshole. Because in the beginning of this fucking Secrets Revealed episode,
39:05
when it's their last night together, he's like farting in her face, being
39:08
so literally rude. He was telling her so this is when they arrived on
39:13
the island before they split up into the men's women women's villa. He's telling
39:16
her she's being insensitive because all she says as well, yeah, they took
39:20
your phone, that's part of the process. Yeah. Hello, He's like,
39:22
don't talk to me like that, Marzilla. Yeah, being insensitive,
39:24
Like it's really mad at her. She's literally just sitting in the corner being
39:28
quiet. Then he gets on his bed and he like lifts up his butt
39:31
cheek and farts in her directions and sorry, it's there, and she's sixty.
39:36
This must happen all the fucking time. Oh, all the time.
39:38
He does not respect her at all, That's what it says to me.
39:40
It's as I'm like, just please do not go back to this asshole.
39:45
Let him be miser well, if the reunion is any indication, it sounds
39:50
like she sent him some nudes after yeah, which after the bonfire, which
39:53
sort of indicates that they break up at the bonfire. But more importantly,
40:00
do you fart in front of your partner? Absolutely not? Does your fartner
40:04
partner fart in front of you? Does your partner fart in front of you?
40:07
Absolutely not. I don't fart in front of my partner, my partner,
40:13
my fartner, My partner does not fart in front of me. Like,
40:15
and we've been together a long time. Yeah, every now and again,
40:20
accidents happened, yeah, but never never, never, never. We
40:22
poop in different bathrooms. I don't want to know what's happening in there.
40:25
I would like to retain the mistique of our relationship. Of course, versus
40:31
my brother and his wife, my mom and my stepdad do the same.
40:36
My brother will like fart on his wife's face. Yes, kids who are
40:40
adults will walk into the room and just fart. Stop. I'm like,
40:45
oh my god, you people are just farting, and they're like, yeah,
40:50
of course, it's a natural thing to do, it's a human thought.
40:52
But I can't deal with this it is really offensive to me. I
40:58
don't like potty humor and such. I just thought I'm not a big fan
41:00
of that. But like if I had this fucking asshole Christopher farting that loud
41:06
in my face after yelling at me, piece out, yeah, tucked up,
41:13
piece out full? Ever, Yes, Jesus crackers. Was there anything
41:16
else in the preview for next week that we missed the finale? Oh?
41:21
Yeah? At the reunion, Christopher is saying, are you sure I'm the
41:25
father? And I don't know if he's saying it to Alexius because he looked
41:29
her, or if he's saying it to Marcella. I don't know. Yeah,
41:32
I don't know either. I'm wondering if that's an editing kind of producer
41:37
fake out. I don't know. Maybe him and Marcella had a pregnancy scare
41:40
in their relationship at some point. But that takes me back to another thing
41:45
that we saw on the Secrets Revealed episode with Christopher being just a freak,
41:49
like he was constantly like dry humping things like balloons, dry humping his own
41:54
bed, and then he was in there with a girl. I imagine it
41:58
was Alexeius. He had his brief sign and he's like dry fucking humping her
42:00
for real gods, And I feel like, was he fucking her with his
42:05
briefs on, because that's gross. I mean, it has a little hole
42:07
in the front, so maybe the dick came out of the hole and he's
42:09
sucking her. But I think he's just dry humping her because he's trying to
42:14
maintain this boundary of no sex. But they fucked though, I mean,
42:19
ultimately they did. Yeah, when he saw Maricella getting her thing, yea,
42:22
getting her yummy, yummy, so growdy. I don't like him.
42:27
I don't like it. I don't prefer him. There's no man on this
42:29
that I like. No, none, Actually, there's no man that I
42:31
like of the singles and or of the non singles. Yeah, and again
42:37
I say I could feel for Tajiq with regards to him not knowing his father,
42:42
if we got to know him as a person during the show. But
42:45
all we know of these peoples that they're drunk, they're dumb, and they're
42:49
super fucking babid. Either're just here to fuck, yeah, that's all.
42:52
They're no depth. Yeah, absolutely, they've got nothing going for them in
42:55
their life, like of any like nothing meaningful to talk about. Yeah,
43:00
but I mean the thing is is, well, but when Taijik is talking
43:02
like, well there is some depth yeah, right, and there are some
43:06
other conversations that are being had about everybody and their lives. I'm like,
43:09
why aren't we seeing this? And I'm just like confused, So is this
43:14
like be fuddled in by production? Because they really just did the most surface
43:19
level treatment of all of these couples and this show. It could have been
43:22
so much better. Honestly, I wonder if more shit was said that they
43:25
just cut out because they thought, oh, that's not interesting. Let's just
43:29
put all this stupid, superficial bullshit out for the people. I'm like,
43:32
no, we can see right through it. We're not fucking dumb, right,
43:35
And it's the same thing week after week after week. You have a
43:37
dumb theme party, everybody gets undressed, you grind on each other, you
43:40
go have sex, same fucking thing. I would have liked to see the
43:45
fight between Taijik and Bryce right with Vanessa in her bedroom. I think,
43:49
I'm like, what's going on there? Well, besides Taijik, you're about
43:52
to get your ass kicked a big old oh so much but I'm like,
43:59
what was going on? We have no contacts done at all. It's so
44:04
bizarre to me that they would edit it this way and that they would make
44:07
a show like this, because just because I watch reality TV don't mean I'm
44:10
stupid my will I mean, but for sure, Like I was watching an
44:17
interview with AOC and they were asking her, like what she does on her
44:22
downtime because she's always doing these big brain things, she's fucking making policy blah
44:27
blah blah, and she's like, I watch trash TV. I watch reality
44:30
TV like it's my way to check out. Yeah. So I'm just saying
44:34
that I think intelligent people who have a lot of shit going for them come
44:37
home, sit on the couch and watch programs like this. It's a real
44:40
missed opportunity to me. You have a podcast out here with thousands of listeners
44:45
who's actually talking about Temptation Islands every week, and this is what you give
44:49
us serious never covering this again, No I ever, because if you're going
44:52
to edit it like this and make it to be this boring, fucking self
44:58
centers dumb bull shit, then I'm not going to watch it. And like
45:01
it just goes back to this whole show, like even all of the weird
45:06
editing, like they're going back and forth in time and segmenting it together into
45:10
these weird episodes, and like this whole season, the whole big twist was
45:15
the Red Light, right, And I was watching this Secrets Revealed thing,
45:17
and I'm like, we've only really seen that red Light like three times,
45:22
yeah, three episodes maybe, Like it hasn't even been a big deal.
45:24
Hasn't even been the first time. It was a big deal when it was
45:28
introduced. Vanessa had a big emotional reaction. That's it. And then it
45:30
was like whatever, yeah, because nobody cares. Nobody cared, nobody cares,
45:35
nobody. So we have two more episodes of the show. I think
45:39
it is going to be what is the date. I don't even know it's
45:45
gonna be. There's gonna be one this week and then one next week after
45:47
Sister finale is this week next week? Well, this week this Wednesday,
45:52
it's so or something Wednesday, Yeah, and the reunion and then the reunion
45:54
is on the twenty third, and so what we are going to do is
45:58
we are going to double up though, right, so stand the schedule because
46:01
I already I'm already losing my mind. I don't know. Well, since
46:05
we got ninety Day Fiance premiering this week, that's right, okay, and
46:07
then we got Sister Wives premiering on solo. The twentieth August year of All
46:14
Old two to three The Best Day of our Lives is going to premiere on
46:17
Sunday, So that's gonna day first priority. Yes, okay, So we're
46:22
just gonna double up on the Temptation episodes for next Wednesday slash Thursday. Yeah,
46:28
okay, so like the twenty third ish whatever, that's when we're going
46:30
to double up on everything. I'm sure you guys are going to be just
46:32
so disheartcairs, right, yeah, So we're gonna put that off, so
46:37
we're not going to cover it this coming Monday. We are going to be
46:38
focusing only on Sister Wives. The following Thursday, we are going to be
46:43
focusing on ninety Day Fiance and Temptation Island. Probably, yeah, double up
46:47
maybe hopefully, that's what our plan is. We're going to do our very
46:51
best, but again, our primary focus is Cody Brown and yes, yes,
46:58
man, that's gonna be so much more entertained. Yes, yes,
47:00
all right, Well I think that concludes our review of last week's episode.
47:07
Thanks for listening, raccoons. Sorry for what we have like the same amount
47:12
of listeners every week, and I doubt most of the raccoons are even watching
47:15
this show, and that's perfect, that's great rightfully so were watching it.
47:21
But thank you nonetheless for jumping in this gay see I'm dumpster with us and
47:24
reviewing the show weekly. Thank you, because we do make the most out
47:28
of it. My friend. Yes, I want to remind everybody about the
47:31
donation link in the description of this podcast. If you have even a dollar
47:36
or five dollars or ten dollars to donate to the beautiful people of Lahina MAUI
47:40
absolutely make sure that you give it. Yes, okay, Beatrice, is
47:44
there anything else that we need to say to these beautiful lack con Well,
47:49
if you love our podcast, I would hope that you'd give us a glowing
47:52
five star reviews whatever podcast platform you're listening to or on all of them.
47:58
Yes, that'd be great. Listen, Thank thank you, and until next
48:02
time. We'll be back later this week. Make sure that you have a
48:06
beautiful rest of your day. And pe