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Through The Darkness · Pete Vs Anxiety!!!!!

• Pete: Welcome to an exciting episode of Pete for Society, guys. Before we get started today, I want to give a quick shout out to my partners from Psych Pal. Guys, go to the description. Try out the link, you know, and add 20 % discount for the first month. Listen, I know I'm a great guy. Mention Pete at checkout, guys, and you'll get that discount for sure. Guys, with that being said, my guest today is the host of Through the Darkness, a mental health recovery podcast, the one, the only, Carolyn Dreier. Carolyn, how you doing today? Ever wish you had someone to talk to anytime, anywhere, matter what you're going through? Meet PsychPAL, your 24-7 AI companion, designed to help you process your thoughts, calm your mind, and keep you moving forward. Chat anytime during a panic attack on a restless night or just when you need to vent. Prefer talking instead of typing? Try voice journaling. PsychPAL listens, transcribes, and truly understands. You can even upload screenshots of tough conversations, and it'll help you unpack how they made you feel. PsychPAL keeps life organized, too. Caralyn Dreyer: you Hi Pete, I'm awesome. How are you? Pete: Doing good. And Carolyn and I were supposed to link up a long time ago, but it's been a long time, but she's here now. That's all that matters. Carolyn, don't you tell everybody a little more about yourself. It can add appointments to your calendar, track your mood, and even summarize your sessions for your therapist so you'll never lose progress. Plus, built-in crisis resources are always just one click away. It's a privacy-first, constantly evolving, made to complement your professional care, not replace it. Ready to try it out? Head over to the link in this episode and use my code, Pete, at checkout to get 20 % off your first month subscription to PsychPAL. PsychPAL, because your mind deserves a companion too. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. All right, well, I am a trauma survivor. ⁓ This includes domestic violence, a sexual assault, a suicide attempt. I've been through a lot. I'm 44 and I've been through a lot in the last 20 years. I don't ever want to sound like I'm listing off. you know, my traumas and stuff, but unfortunately I've like, I've had to overcome a lot. I've overcome miscarriages, a divorce. So, ⁓ I'm no stranger to mental health. Pete: I remember the last time we were talking about meeting up too, you had the whole situation where there was gunshots outside of your house as well, that too. Carolyn has an interesting time going on for her, man. I'm telling you, the hits just keep coming. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah! Hahaha Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. That was so scary. One of the bullets entered my home and where the bullet entered, if I would have been sitting at my dining room table at the time of the shooting, I don't know how that would have ended. It would have been like a straight shot. So yeah, it's been a fun adventure the last couple decades, but I'm still here. Pete: fun. Sure. I guess that's what you want to call it. So take us into how you started the podcast. I I know with podcasting, you know, it gives you that avenue to start talking about it. Was it hard to make that decision to talk about a lot of things you go through? Because then with sexual assault, a lot of times people get very sensitive about it. We had a guest on the show. In fact, her episode just dropped Wednesday where she was telling me that somebody was making fun of her for talking about being sexually assaulted. Caralyn Dreyer: wow. ⁓ is awful. That's horrible. that's horrible. Yeah, I've had my fair share of mixed ⁓ to being a survivor of that. But ⁓ will say this, ⁓ about the traumas I've been through is not really that difficult for me because I've been ⁓ my story. maybe not as loudly as I am now, but certainly since some of those things have happened, like other people know. So from that aspect, it's not like a huge deal to share that stuff. But I think the public speaking aspect of it was something I had to overcome at first. That's why I started out with my blog. ⁓ Gosh, I'm like having a brain fart here. Darkness to dialogue, living well with mental illness. That is the first blog that I came out with. And that was my little stepping stone to start sharing, you know, more intimate details about surviving some of these traumas. I've always been able to express myself through writing, like no big deal at all. So because I want to advocate for mental health recovery, I feel like I need to have my voice be out there in any way possible. Not everybody reads blogs. So I was like, wow, I can do a podcast. People don't necessarily have to see me. They can just listen to my voice. I've overcome being camera shy. So ⁓ the appeal of like an audio podcast was like great for me. Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: ⁓ and like I said, I just want my message to be spread to everyone. Not everyone is on social media. So also from like a business or a marketing standpoint, why not have yourself out there like in any capacity possible? So that's kind of how it started. I just recorded the first episode from my cell phone, did a little audio editing with, you know, an app and you know, Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: The rest is history. Pete: Yeah, I asked Caroline to invite me to hers and she said, I don't do guest beat. I'm OK. Fine. I'm a little offended, but all right. OK, cool. But no, it's it's it's so cool, though, that you've decided to go that route, though, because like now you have no limitations. You can put it out where everybody can hear it. You know, all it takes is you to record it. So did you find that the technical aspects of it a little tougher at first because there's so much to it. I had to learn like I was recording from my phone originally when I did my first podcast. And then I went to this one. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah Pete: I got the mic, got everything else. People started donating to things. As I started mentioning, I was talking about mental health. You'd be amazed how many people are standing behind it. The computer I'm using, the microphone I'm using, the arm has been donated by people too. Everybody just started donating little pieces to this whole conversation. They were like, well, I appreciate what you're doing and things like that too. When someone else gets in the ring with the mental health as well as in a podcast form is great because a lot of podcasters don't make it past 20 episodes, man. Caralyn Dreyer: I Pete: It's a lot of work. Like people don't realize how much work I put into doing this thing every week. like, I've like, told you, I have like 14 of these things I still have to edit and I've got four more today. So yours and three others I have to do as well. So like I've got myself constantly doing things, you know, and it's hard because it's a lot of conversations you're having and then, you know, and putting all the information up. But the great thing is not all the little tools that are like the digital calendars, the schedulers and things that so I can manage to be in more places at once. And I don't have to put twice the amount of work that I was doing before, because in the beginning, God, I remember I was trying to schedule a of these people. It was hard because I just kept getting hit up. People were like, oh, I want to be on the show. I to be on the show. I think my first post had like 150 different responses of people just were like blowing this thing up. And I was like, damn, I didn't realize this was a conversation people wanted to have so bad. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah, absolutely. You're a machine, Pete. You're like such a machine with all this stuff. You're doing awesome. But yeah, I didn't really have too much of problem. The thing about me is I'm a huge researcher. So anything I'm going to start doing before I even really start it, like I'm doing a little bit of research to see like what are the best apps, what's the best of this, ⁓ you know, trying to Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: pinpoint like a focal point for the podcast. So I like the planning of things like that. So that part was fun. And the technical stuff really wasn't too bad. YouTube is like a huge help. I'm like a visual learner. I don't really like to read a bunch of steps. I'd rather like watch somebody do it. But I'm surprised and I'm also I tell myself like girl, you are 44 years old. You've got to be able to figure out some of these things with all of this life experience, like all of that stuff. But yeah. Pete: or reach out to Pete and Pete can help you. by the way, you're doing, don't look 44. You look amazing for 44, I'll be honest with you. ⁓ But you have me, you can reach out to as well. I have a lot of protegees that I have under me that I help a lot of people and things like that too. you know, but when you got ready to unleash your story to the world, were you, were you ready for this? mean, because you now you have to remember now with podcasting, you're not just in one space. Like these people that limit themselves to like TikTok and things. I'm like, you do understand. Caralyn Dreyer: Yep. ⁓ thank you! Pete: you're going to the global scale. Now people around the world are going to hear this story, you know, and I keep the, I keep the analytics on my side. I'm looking at, know, like people in Vietnam this past week were listening to a lot of my stuff. You know, I get to see what countries, the breakdowns of what countries are listening to things. It's interesting to hear like where people are listening to your stuff at too. So did you think about that before you started putting this out there? Because now a lot of people don't know your full story. you know, now you're about to unleash it to the world, you're about to be on the internet completely like I am, and people are, there's gonna be nothing to hide. So were you ready for that? Is that something you had to prepare yourself for? Caralyn Dreyer: You know what? I was ready because when I started all of this, like a couple of years ago is when I really first started sharing my story. I had my profile go public on Instagram for the first time in like 10 years. So that was a huge step for me. have to keep, even though I'm sharing my story, I have to kind of still have like my security on lockdown a little bit because of Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: outliers that are floating around out here that I don't really want in my business. sharing it like on a global level was not like intimidating really for me at all. And in fact, it's like, kind of cool. ⁓ I know my blog, both of my blogs have a really big international following. And I don't know, it's just cool to think about mental health being spoken about literally like world wide. ⁓ I don't know, it's just really cool. So I wasn't too scared about that at all. And in fact, I think I just like jumped in so quickly. I didn't even really have time to appreciate like the magnitude and like the gravity of everything. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you know, when I did this show, I just kind of jumped head first. ⁓ I've already had podcast experience when I got into this subject. I was like, you know, if I want to do this, I'm going to be consistent when I did it, because that was the advice I got from another podcast I had followed for a while. And he's a men's coach, Paul Bower, the host of Come On Man. He and I interacted a long time ago on TikTok. He actually was a guest on the show. So that was ⁓ I was so excited when he said yes. But he had been on the show and I told him, he like he remembered in the episode that I knew him from TikTok. He was like. You're the guy that was following me from Tik Tok. like, yeah, I talked to you a long time ago, Paul, I asked you some advice and he said, ever since then, I took your advice to heart. You said to be consistent. So ever since I set out to do this show, that was one of the big things I learned was just being consistently dropping things, you know? So like as I progressed, I went from just Mondays to Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, cause I have so many interviews, you know, but the things stayed the same, same time, same date, stay consistent with everything else, you know? So Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Pete: It's been really interesting ever since they wanted to show the demand of people being want to be on the show, you know, but you know, I my whole story is out there for people here, like people act like you can sit there and use any of that against it's all there. What do you what do I have to hide? I mean, I my whole life's on the Internet, you know, in you know, now that now your story is going to be out there, everybody in the world is going to hear it. Do you are you worried about somebody hearing some of this stuff or is it just kind of like, you know, because you do know that some people are going to hear that may not agree with your opinion. Are you ready for some people to push back and like ⁓ no, you're just making these things up, you know, because you're going to hear that negative voice anyways, because we all know how great social media does with mental health these days. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah, ⁓ you know what? I'm not worried about people hearing these things, like specifically maybe my past abusers or the young men who were involved in my sexual assault. Like they know what they did. That's how I look at things. Like we were both there. So I'm confident in my truth. And certainly I'm not even really sharing my story to Pete: Yeah. Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: enact any type of like retaliation. I'm not seeking apologies. I'm not even seeking accountability or anything of that nature. ⁓ I'm just showing the world and whoever agrees or disagrees that this is my truth. I'm going to keep talking about it. I don't care if you agree with it or disagree with it. ⁓ I know that there's people out there who can relate. And those are the people that I'm concerned about. And I have some pretty unbelievable things that have happened to me. So I kind of do expect people to A, be like, what was wrong with you? Why didn't you get out of there? Or B, be like, no, there's no way that that possibly happened. I just, you know, I've always been kind of like the odd one out or like the black sheep. Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: type of person, so I'm used to kind of standing on my own and I will continue to do so, you know, if need be. I'm saying like stand on my own in terms of like my opinion. Pete: You're no longer alone. You know you have me on your back now. You already have me your back and call. Somebody starts, you know, gives you, I'm there. Just call me, I'm there. ⁓ You know, I got you 100%. Listen, for you to come out. Caralyn Dreyer: ⁓ I know, I know, I've heard you. Pete: For things like that, it's very powerful because you're coming out talking about these traumas you've gone through and all these things you've been through. Obviously the question to you would be, it make relationships hard for you, what you've gone through? Are you at that point where you can handle a relationship where it doesn't really make things awkward in those situations? Caralyn Dreyer: Mmm. Yeah, I would say probably about 10 years ago, it was difficult for me to be in, whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship. And for me, I think it was always just like the trust factor. When you've gone through traumas, especially where people have like betrayed your trust or hurt you, you just kind of start to develop the outlook. Pete: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: of the world as it's not safe and your brain helps you develop that outlook. so you really don't have any way around it. So that is the aspect of relationships that has been the most difficult. And I'm a hyper independent person as well. So as much as I like any kind of relationship, I can take it or leave it. Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: ⁓ So it's just about finding a balance between knowing I can lean on others, but also exercising that discernment and trusting my gut and things like that. Pete: Yeah. Yeah, so let's go a little deeper. Was intimacy a little hard at first after that 10 years? I know with everything gone through, I know that's a question that'll come up. You can answer if you want to. I'm just asking from your own opinion. Was it a little rough at first for you when it came back to that kind of thing? Because you may have had flashback moments and stuff like that. And if this is too deep of a question, we can leave it alone. I promise you. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. no, I'm more than happy to answer that. And I'm glad you asked. I've never been asked that before, but it's important to highlight that. ⁓ After the sexual assault, I had for sure like a social dependence on alcohol. So I can say that anytime I was intimate during that time period, I wasn't sober. Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: I was under the influence of alcohol. had to because like you said, it's a huge adjustment to having somebody take what they want from you to try and navigate that type of situation within a relationship. absolutely. So after I was not dependent on alcohol, Pete: Okay, okay. That trust factor of you guys are having in that situation, yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: That is when I did notice the struggle with intimacy and trying to not have certain like feelings or emotions, trying to have that feel like a thing of like comfort or security even as opposed to something creepy and dirty. And that was a huge adjustment. And it's something I will have to Pete: Yeah. Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: work at for the rest of my life for sure. ⁓ It's definitely less of an issue now, but I do have my times where I have to catch myself from disassociating from what is going on. And that was a mechanism for me for many years was to just disassociate from what I was doing, ⁓ like think about my favorite song or do something weird like that. But it's definitely a work in progress, but it's better. Pete: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So would you say your future partner would have to be very understanding? Which they would be in that situation because they have to understand those moments where you're kind of triggered. They're going to have to understand that, listen, you're going to have to go to defense mode and comfort you to make sure you understand that you're safe. And I could see that, though, because my recent partner was like that. She had a lot of past traumas. Intimacy was interesting with her because it was just like some moments it was like you guys are in the moment, moment revs up and then it's like you got to stop because she's triggered and it goes from you know, that you got to comfort them kind of thing, and you know, and stuff like that too, which is understanding because, you ⁓ it's hard for a lot of people to understand it. A lot of people are just like, ⁓ I can handle it. And then they can handle it. And it's like, you know, it's a very discouraging topic for a lot of people because we're like, well, you know, ⁓ it's, but she's been through a lot. You have to understand these things. So are you open with your partners about that? Hey, listen, I had gone through some things. Please understand that something may occur during this session. If we get heat. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: We get hot and heavy and may get a little situation where we may have to, you know, pull it back a bit because I'm triggered by something, you know, those, those have to be interesting conversations. Anybody. Yes. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah, absolutely. And interestingly enough, a lot of like the past relationships that I had were with people I had been friends with first. So there was already like that comfort level. Yeah, there was that comfort level there already. And also the thing about me is I can't enter into any type of relationship without explaining some of the stuff that I've been through because Pete: ⁓ okay. Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: even with just like friendships, when I was really struggling with like anxious attachments, you know, you start to like call incessantly or whatever. So I've always kind of had to just go in being genuine and authentic with who I am and like where I came from. ⁓ So that's, yeah, that's something that for all survivors out there, it's something that you can overcome. But I would strongly encourage you Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: to share that stuff, you know, if you're in a dating relationship. I mean, look, first date. I probably have shared that type of stuff on a first date, especially in my 30s or late 20s, because at that point, I'm not out here trying to just be dating everyone or anyone, you know, everybody. So it's something that I probably would tell right off the bat that probably goes against dating advice. I don't care. Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: but I just, why waste anyone's time? You know, it's not something that everybody's able to or willing to take on. Pete: Exactly. Exactly. I think it's a really great point there. Not a of people are able to handle the conversation for a lot of these situations and things like that too. You know, and I know you mentioned, you mentioned your suicidation. So in that moment, you know, what stopped you? Was it something that just told you to stop, Carolyn, you got to be here. You're going to be something special to people, voice to people, you know, what was that one defining moment where you were like, okay, well, I can't do this or was it just like. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Yup. Pete: you just came to reality at that point. Because you know, lot of people get in that moment, like my situation was just that something just told me to stop in my head. It's like, I was seconds away. And then I stopped because something told me to stop and I couldn't tell you what it was. I don't know what it is exactly. It was like a voice that came out of nowhere said you better just stop real loud yelling. So what was your moment like? Caralyn Dreyer: You know what, my reason is kind of a bittersweet one. ⁓ So around the time when I had my suicide ideation attempt, I was estranged from my family. And this was after the sexual assault. ⁓ I moved out of my mom and dad's house and moved like full time on campus, just like sleeping on people's couches and things of that nature. And I recall a phone call. Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: with my mom. This was like prior to the incident. And she told me that my younger brother was like sad that I didn't live there anymore. And that just like really got to me at that moment. Well, fast forward to the evening of my attempt, I had written out my suicide note. And I just something came over me and my reason for stopping was my little brother, but my family Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: in general, I was thinking like, how can I leave them like that? Now they're going to have to have this tragedy be a part of their story. And I say that's bittersweet, because as I've been healing, I have decided to separate myself from my family because it's not a it's not good for my mental health. ⁓ Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: And so it's bittersweet that my reason for staying was really for a fantasy of what I thought I was living for. I thought I was living for a family unit that was comforting, supportive, know, all the positive things. And look, I'm not dogging my family out. are wonderful people. Many people love them and... Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: you know, want to be around them. So they're not terrible people. It's just for me personally, it's not healthy for me. So it's sad that that I'm glad I'm still here, obviously, but it's just kind of sad that that was my reason for staying. But it was really just, I was staying for, you know, an image of what I thought I had basically. So And because I'm a believer, I have my faith, I'm a Christian, I do also believe that God wanted me to stay as well. But ⁓ just in a general sense, I was staying for my family. And, you know, the irony of it all is they still have a little bit of tragedy in their story now because I can't really be around them. Pete: Yeah, yeah, you know, but at least you know, you can't be around them. You know, and you're putting your mental first, which is great. And it's hard for a of people to even admit that, you know. So that's why your story matters, regardless of how bitter sweet it may be, because you know, other people need to know that, you know, this and so after that, did people know you attempted because my next question to you is going to be is this, that they treat you weird when they found out that you're a survivor of suicide, because a lot of times Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: When people find it out, then they start like kid gloving you and treat you in a weirder way. And they're like, oh, well, I don't want to upset, you know, so and so because I don't want to say the wrong things. In fact, when you do that, you're making it worse for them. And it's the same thing when it goes to addicts. You think about it. People that are going through recovery, people treat them in a different light because they know they're an addict. So then they think they're going to steal their pills or whatever it is. You know, and I've met a lot of them that have said that, you know, did anyone make you feel like that when you've told them that? Caralyn Dreyer: No, and the night that it happened, I reached out and called a friend and he worked at the juvenile detention center. So he was actually the right person to call. I mean, he had been trained in dealing with situations like that. But after sharing that, I really didn't talk about it until maybe like my 30s. And I don't know that I really had anybody treat me. Pete: Okay. Caralyn Dreyer: differently if they were I maybe was oblivious to it or didn't care but I Yeah, and I guess also at that point in time I was probably only sharing it with people who I knew would be supportive because I had learned You know even it as a child to detect You know people that are safe versus maybe people who are not being genuine that type of thing. So no Fortunately, I haven't really experienced any Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: negative reactions. Pete: Yeah, well that's good though, because a lot of people do. When they start sharing their stories, they tell you things, they get that weird moment that goes on, and then people start looking at you in a different light, and it's really sad that that's how they feel. It's really sad for the fact that they do it, but they don't realize the negative effects you're having on the person that has been through that. It's like, we don't want you to treat us any differently. You don't know what the contributing factors were. We do, and if we tell you... Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Pete: You know, I'm the same way too. It's like, I don't tell people about the thoughts that go in my head every day because I literally told them all. It's like, if I told you the thought that goes through my head every single day, I guarantee nine out of 10 of you are all lining up for the psychiatric ward because you're going to be like, wow. You know, and it's like, I don't share a lot with certain people because I'm the same way because I know if you can't handle this conversation, you know, I'm not going to tell you about it because like, you know, I think that a lot of them are just not ready for it. But sure, they're not emotionally mature enough. Or they just can't handle the situation. It's the same thing with grief. Grief's not for everybody. know, like people going through things, it's like, you know, everybody wants you to help, but it's like, they don't want you to help. They want you to listen to what they're going through. They want you to be heard. You know, and I know there's a lot of such assault victims. A lot of times when they talk out, people are just like, ⁓ you're crazy. You're making this up. And a lot of them, that's what they've been saying. Like they're like, I spoke out. You know, we teach our kids, hey, listen, if something happens, say something. And then they say something and then it's, ⁓ well, no, they would never do that kind of thing. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Pete: because you don't want it to be true, especially something like that. ⁓ hey, listen, I got, I got an improperly touched as a kid, you know, and I'm telling some of the adult about it they're just telling me, ⁓ you're just making things up. They would never do that. It's a family friend, usually, or it's a grandfather. It's somebody, could be somebody they don't even know that did these kinds of things, know, friend of somebody else's, you know? And it's, me, it's, it's, it's ridiculous. Cause like I said, Holly situation was, is that she basically, I guess I on the show previously, Holly, came on and was like, she said people were making fun of her. I'm like, what the fuck am I? Hold up, hold up. I paused the episode and I was like, listen, if you have a fucking, I just went off. I was like, I can't believe that you're making fun of somebody who just didn't wake up one day and said, hey, listen, I want somebody to touch me or I want to be assaulted by someone. I want to be raped by someone. It's like, none of you guys chose for this to happen because the effects afterwards is that you could be in therapy the rest of your life. And some of those things, people don't make it out. They commit suicide because they just can't handle what's going to happen because no one wants to listen to them, you know? And you being out there speaking up this out loud is great because like, you know, you're coming out of the shadows to be like, hey, listen, I'm a victim, but I'm not going to let it be my, I'm not going to let it be, I'm not going to be the victim of it. I'm going to let people know that, Hey, you're not alone out there. If this has happened to you, you're not alone. This, my story may not be the same as yours, but at end of the day, we've both been through something like that. It's really powerful, honestly, because you're, you're going to be the sounding board for people that are going to hear this thing and be like, ⁓ listen, Caroline's been there. you know, And it'll be great. So just wait till you get started getting those emails from people telling you, hey, listen, I heard your show. I like what's going on. Or other people just raving behind it all. And it'll be great because it's like you're out there talking to other people. You're telling other people about your story and you're sharing it, telling them, they're not alone. So now they don't have to feel so alone. And you never know that one moment could save somebody's life. They may need to hear your story, maybe the one that saves them. Caralyn Dreyer: Mmm. Yeah, absolutely. And I always try to stop myself from getting too aggravated by ignorance and try to view it from the standpoint of this is the reason why we have to keep talking about that stuff so that it becomes more of a comfortable topic. I don't like people laughing at survivors or victims, however, Pete: Exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: Because I try to always see the other side, do understand, I don't condone it, but I understand where that comes from in those people. And it comes from A, perhaps they are a survivor of that and aren't ready to handle that at this point in time. And B, it's just pure ignorance and people not understanding their stereotyping. They're watching too many sensationalized movies and sitcoms about these types of situations. So I try to give them a little bit of grace and take it upon myself as it being my responsibility to help some of those people. They don't have to agree, but to at least see the other side of things. Pete: Yeah, yeah, but you're doing it in the right way. You're not coming out argumentative. You're coming out as, listen, maybe you should think of this from the aspect of what that person went through. You know, and the one thing that triggers me about the internet is I hate, I hate these fucking suicide videos. Like, they drive me absolutely crazy. After you take your life, you'll get 16 text messages. like, you know what? Every time I see those, just, my skin crawls like, you know what? Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah, yep. Pete: Whoever decided this trend was a great idea, either A has never been through that or thinks they're helping and they're not helping because you know someone seeing that video is going to you're going to confirm to them that they don't matter. Like how do you think the outcome and that's going to be like you this scare tactic thing may work with most people but when you telling people that hey listen when you take your life ⁓ it don't matter there's calls are going to come in tax are going come in they don't need to hear that they don't want they don't want to hear all that they're looking to be heard. Caralyn Dreyer: Hmm. Pete: Not for you to confirm the fact that their thoughts are correct, that nobody cares that they're going to be here anymore. You know what saying? Like every time I see it, it just aggravates the hell out of me. You know, and I talked to an actual psychotherapist about it we were discussing it. I was like, these are not helpful. And he agreed. He was like, ⁓ no, these are not helpful. I'm like, you know, because some people seeing that could be right at that age or the edge of the stage of once you get to the point, you're not listening to anybody else. Nothing matters. People don't realize once you start getting to a certain state, you don't listen to anybody else. You can say shit, but I'm not listening to you. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Hmm. Mm. Pete: I've already got everything figured out, everything I'm going through. know, it's like, it comes to, you know, a lot of times when that subject comes, a lot of people get uncomfortable. So like if you hear people making jokes about the kind of conversation, like take it serious. Like I'm telling you right now, this person has been there that like a lot of times they're asking for help without telling you they need help. And you should really be concerned when they start making jokes about stuff like that, you know, and the thoughts that may be going on ahead. Like if you're not ready for it, you know, call, have them call 98 great place to call. Cause one of my co-hosts my other show, she ended up calling them. Caralyn Dreyer: Mm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Pete: And she was telling us about it. Yeah, hey, listen, I told them and you know, we're in a group of me and this other podcast, there's only a group we talk about mental health a lot in there. And she had mentioned that, I called 988, you know, and this was funny, because I did an interview with somebody. And she was trying to tell me that 988 isn't effective. But when the statistics came out, actually, 988 saved more lives than actually people taking their own lives. So you know, they were great, though, with her. They followed up with her too. I thought that was real great. They followed up with her a few days later, made sure she was okay. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Pete: You know, and people don't know that it's out there, but it's like they're, everybody's afraid to call, but you can call, text, you can do all those great things. That's the great thing about it. You can text them too. You don't want to talk to them on the phone, text them. They'll talk to you, you know, things like that as well, you know, and it's, it's hard though. I mean, I get it. It's hard. a tough subject. You know, your subject's tough talk too. Like you telling people that they're to look at you like, ⁓ my God, are you okay? And it's like, yeah, you know, I'm not telling you for sympathy. I'm telling you so you understand that these are the things I've been through. You know, I need you to understand that this is going to be a complex relationship for us. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Hmm. Pete: friendship wise or even relationship wise, you know, and you being up to the forefront about it is great because at least you're letting them know, hey, listen, I hope you're ready for this, you know, and now what they do with that information is up to them. Do they go look at, see what they can do better to help you out and say, listen, if she gets into these situations, what can I do better? Or ask you questions, hey Caroline, what can I do for you in these situations? You know, teach me some things that I can help you in these situations. Caralyn Dreyer: Yeah. Yeah. Pete: And I think we tend to forget that we all want to go to the hero complex of, let me go save everybody. You know, not everybody can save everybody, but you know, you can ask you the person that deals with this. Hey, listen, is there any way I can better help you? And then listen, key word in that sentence is listen to what you're saying because you're telling them, Hey, listen, you can help me in these situations. This is what to do if I go into these situations and they'll be like, okay, you know, so that way they don't panic because panicking in those situations is going to do you any good. It's going to get you riled up more. Caralyn Dreyer: Mm. Mm-hmm. Pete: it's not going to be helpful for you, you know, things like that. If you have a moment or something triggers you in some weird moment, you know, they need to be ready to be jumping to action and be like, okay, let's get her calmer down. Let's get her out of this situation, you know, and things like that. And people, people tend to forget that, especially people with BPD. Cause my last relationship, that whole situation was, you I did a lot of research. I even hosted the expert in BPD. Dr. Jen Bellinger came on. And we had talked about that and I reached out to the minute I knew this girl, was talking to her. I'm like, Dr. Jen, I'm getting involved with somebody. What advice you have? She actually had a great community I signed up for so I can learn how to better support her as a partner. Hey, listen, I could do these things for her. I listened to her as she was trying to tell me different things about things and teach me things, you know, and I think that's a lot of times that people forget. And I proved this theory right when I was on a panel. I was the only person there without an education in this. was just an average person advocating for this. I didn't have any license back on all these licensed people. Not one of them said the exact statement I'm going to tell you is that I said, how about let's ask the person what to do? You better believe that all of them turn around and said, well, I agree with Pete over there. His comment makes sense because we all tend to forget. We all want to give these complex answers. We want to save the day. But at end of the day, in the moment, we don't ask you, Caroline, me, Pete, whoever the person you insert in that situation, what can we do? So this question to you now is, do you have any advice for anybody at home? that may have went through this, this just on the edge of thinking about talking about it. What, what would you say would be the best way to go about it? Caralyn Dreyer: well, I would start with Yeah, yeah, absolutely. From my experience, I've been very fortunate to have made really good solid friendships throughout my entire life. To be quite honest with you, I've always had at least one or two people that I could trust to, you know, unload or vent or Pete: And this is in your own opinion by the way too so... Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: whatever it may be. if you are fortunate to have trusted people already in your life, start there. But if you're someone who doesn't have that, which a lot of times that is the case as well, ⁓ reach out to some of those hotlines ⁓ or some local resources. After I was sexually assaulted, I went to the local YWCA. ⁓ and in fact, I didn't actually probably know that that's what they did, that they did like rape kits and stuff like that. think probably a friend maybe told me, but a lot of people don't know the amount of resources within their community. there's so many different resources. There's even therapists who have like sliding scales when it comes to payment. Pete: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: ⁓ some places you can even give like a donation. So I would say if you have supportive people start there. But if you don't look around your community, utilize some of these hotlines. But I think most importantly is that you have to be making this decision for yourself. It's the same thing with somebody who's deciding. to become sober from drugs or alcohol. Everyone in the world can want it for them and they can even choose it to appease other people. But if that is not their individual, thoughtful, intentional choice, who knows what's really gonna come of it? So you have to decide that you're ready to do it because once you do share that information, Pete: Mm-hmm. Caralyn Dreyer: you have to be willing to plug into whatever resources or steps or activities or whatever is going to be involved in helping you overcome that. wish I would have gone to therapy after pretty much all of my traumas. ⁓ I've not really been to therapy for a lot of those things. Fortunately for me, with time and very intensive self-healing, I'm doing okay, but I don't. necessarily advocate for that. If I would have gone to therapy after my sexual assault, I think, well, who knows if the other things would have happened, but let's say they did. I think it would have been easier for me to speak up about those things before like the last minute was coming. I have a tendency to wait until Pete: Yeah. Caralyn Dreyer: You know, I've got one shoe on, I'm living in a box, I've never lived in a box, I'm just using extreme examples. I will wait till the extreme before I ask for help. So I would strongly encourage you out there if you're gonna share your story, don't say, well, maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. No, choose to feel better today. Pete: I love it. love it. Caroline Grant, I part of the interview now. I don't know if you've watched any of the other ones to this point. We're going to ask those two important questions. OK, so you know what's coming now. OK, so my question to you is if you're meant to have had a song, what would you say that song would be? And you could break it down however you like. Caralyn Dreyer: I have. Okay, so I would choose ⁓ Elastic Heart by Sia because that literally just describes my entire life. I have been stretched to capacity like a million trillion times and I always bounce back. I always come back stronger, know, more educated, more informed with things. So I think I would choose Elastic heart you literally you can stretch I have been stretched to my max sleeping on someone's couch with a with a five month old baby Lit, you know sleeping in a little portable crib on top of having no car this that been under just so much crap And I'm gonna break out of that crap every single time you can do whatever you want to me. I'm always gonna come back Pete: Yeah. All right, I love it, okay. And you know what question's next. The final question before we wrap up, and you already know it's coming. If you could break the stigma about mental health. Now when I ask you this question, it could be the thing that pisses you off the most, or just something you wanna share with everybody that they just need to learn, or something that you want, a message you wanna leave them lasting, telling them like, listen, hey, what would you say that would be? Caralyn Dreyer: You know what, I think I'm gonna use this opportunity for people out there who are less aware about what mental health and mental illness entails. Those of us who struggle with our mental health generally or whether it's a mental illness, we are not getting up in the morning choosing to feel, think, or whatever to be that way. I am not waking up. every morning choosing to be anxious or depressed or whatever it is. That's, it's just how our life is. Like we're not choosing that. We're not doing it for attention. If I wanted to get attention, I could find a lot more amusing, exciting ways to get attention than to wake up and choose to have like mental health symptoms. Like, please stop thinking that it's a choice. It's not. Some people literally like the chemicals in their brain do not allow them to have the same kind of life as other people. So please understand that we are not choosing it and we are literally doing the best that we can. Pete: Right, right, exactly. Well, Caroline, thank you so much for coming. I'm so glad we finally got a chance to meet. Obviously, the next question is, where can people come check out the podcast and how often do you drop episodes? Caralyn Dreyer: Yes. Okay, so right now I'm on Apple podcasts, Spotify and Podbean. I will be adding more platforms hopefully this summer when I have extra time. And then I drop an episode every month. There will be well we're in the month of April, this will be broadcasting later on. But yeah, every month, usually towards like the middle of the month, I try to drop the episodes I always promote ahead of time to give people a heads up but Yeah, I would love everyone to check it out. Pete: So where would you like them to go? Do you have socials? Do want to plug them in your own social? Do want to come visit your own socials? Thanks for these announcements. Are you on every platform? Just let them know what social medias you're on so they know where to find you. Caralyn Dreyer: am on every platform. I'm on Blue Sky, Twitter, TikTok, Clapper, Instagram, LinkedIn, Facebook, and I'm on Substack and Medium, which are blogging platforms. So if you don't ever want to see me or hear from me again, stay off of those platforms. But if you would like to know more and learn more about my journey and all that stuff, that's where you can find me. Pete: Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Caroline, for coming to hang out with me. It was great. I enjoyed having you. It was a pleasure. And as always, you're welcome to come back any time you like and anything you want to discuss we can talk about and things like that. Do you have any last words for everybody before I sign off? Give him the big hurrah. Caralyn Dreyer: Just everybody take care of your mental health. Yeah, take care of your mental health everybody. Pete, you are a gem. Thank you so much for having me. I'm glad we could finally catch up. Pete: Thank you so much. appreciate it guys. And with that being said, we're going to wrap up this episode of Peteford's anxiety. I'm peace for anxiety. That's X all the way down to tick tock. I'm on Spotify, all the way down to panoramic radio. And as always say, it costs nothing. Absolutely. Be kind to somebody. One kind act you can do. You can say sorry for hell. can make their day. I'm Pete for anxiety. I was saying, don't ask how your day is today. Say, Hey, how's your mental health?