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484. Entering your 30s with the right mindset · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of Today.
0:18
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we are covering your thirties, what
0:23
Speaker 1: to know when entering your thirties, how to get into
0:25
Speaker 1: a better headspace or just a really feel good, happy, productive,
0:31
Speaker 1: all the above headspace. Okay, now, just a little preface,
0:34
Speaker 1: thirty is not old. I put this question up on
0:37
Speaker 1: my Instagram and I was like, hey, guys, I'm doing
0:38
Speaker 1: an episode in your thirties, you know, entering it, what
0:41
Speaker 1: this decade looks like. And a few people were like,
0:43
Speaker 1: why are we acting like thirty years old? It's not old?
0:46
Speaker 1: I was well, personally, I was not acting like thirty
0:49
Speaker 1: years old. I feel younger than I've ever felt. But
0:52
Speaker 1: I do genuinely believe that your thirties are very different
0:56
Speaker 1: to your twenties. Every single decade in your life is
0:58
Speaker 1: very different. And I'm not saying that you wake up
1:00
Speaker 1: on your thirtieth birthday and everything's changed, but overall, decade
1:03
Speaker 1: after decade, things evolve. It's because you get older, wiser,
1:08
Speaker 1: things change in your physiology, hormonally, you changes a lot
1:11
Speaker 1: of changes going on. So I think it is important
1:14
Speaker 1: that we address what is the best way to equip
1:17
Speaker 1: yourself to come into your thirties really feeling like you know,
1:21
Speaker 1: you're powering, You've got all cylinders firing, and you're feeling
1:23
Speaker 1: really good about this stage in your life. If you're
1:25
Speaker 1: already in your thirties. This is also going to be
1:27
Speaker 1: a really helpful episode because so many people that answered
1:31
Speaker 1: my question were saying, well, I'm currently in my thirties
1:33
Speaker 1: and a feeling stuck. I really want to change how
1:35
Speaker 1: I'm feeling. Okay, So there's just so much that I
1:39
Speaker 1: want to talk about. I had hundreds literally of answers
1:42
Speaker 1: on that little question box that I did. So what
1:45
Speaker 1: I did is I went through all the questions and
1:46
Speaker 1: I tried to consolidate them into kind of key topic
1:49
Speaker 1: points that I want to cover. Instead of going in
1:52
Speaker 1: and answering the questions one at a time, what I
1:55
Speaker 1: probably would like to do is just on my socials
1:58
Speaker 1: maybe answer a few really specific, thick, standout questions that
2:01
Speaker 1: I thought were really good to flash out specifically, but
2:03
Speaker 1: for the purpose of this episode, I want to break
2:06
Speaker 1: it into I think I had seven key topics. Let
2:09
Speaker 1: me just double check. So I've got seven key topics
2:12
Speaker 1: that I've broke it down into. So this is what
2:14
Speaker 1: we're going to be discussing in this episode, and specifically
2:18
Speaker 1: it is comparing the difference between your twenties, which is
2:22
Speaker 1: kind of like collecting all the data. It is your
2:25
Speaker 1: trial and error phase, intentional trial and error. This is
2:28
Speaker 1: the time where you really do throw things at the
2:30
Speaker 1: wall and see what sticks, where failure hopefully doesn't shouldn't
2:34
Speaker 1: feel like failure at least not in hindsight. And your
2:37
Speaker 1: thirties is where you collect all that data and you're
2:39
Speaker 1: able to do something with it. Keep in mind that
2:42
Speaker 1: when I talk about anything in life, you always have
2:44
Speaker 1: to focus primarily on what it is that you have
2:48
Speaker 1: control over. At best, you can influence other things outside
2:52
Speaker 1: of you. You know, you can do your best at something.
2:54
Speaker 1: You can be intentional with your dating, You can, you know,
2:57
Speaker 1: teach people how to treat you and all of that.
2:59
Speaker 1: But ultimately you have to think, if I could only
3:02
Speaker 1: control the things that I you know, like well, because
3:05
Speaker 1: you only can if I'm only focusing on what I
3:08
Speaker 1: can control, where am I going to put my energy?
3:11
Speaker 1: Based on the questions that we're coming through, a lot
3:12
Speaker 1: of people are putting their energy in waiting for an
3:16
Speaker 1: idea to come, waiting for a trip that's going to happen,
3:19
Speaker 1: waiting for the right person to roll around, waiting to
3:22
Speaker 1: feel ready. Everything you're in this waiting stage. And that's
3:25
Speaker 1: all well and good for certain things in your life,
3:27
Speaker 1: but in general, if you're always waiting, you're going to
3:31
Speaker 1: be telling yourself, Oh, something's going to come along that's
3:33
Speaker 1: going to change my life something. This is something that
3:35
Speaker 1: you are ultimately putting your control of where your life
3:38
Speaker 1: is headed in the hands of something outside of you
3:41
Speaker 1: that you actually have no control over. So you have
3:44
Speaker 1: to think, how can I gain as much control of
3:46
Speaker 1: my life? Because I believe that real happiness comes from autonomy,
3:51
Speaker 1: and autonomy comes from deciding where you are headed in
3:54
Speaker 1: your life. Having said that, being able to, you know,
3:58
Speaker 1: accept that certain things don't go the way you wanted
4:01
Speaker 1: them to go. Certain things didn't happen the way you
4:03
Speaker 1: wish they had happened. People get married and then they
4:05
Speaker 1: have divorce and they didn't want that for their life,
4:07
Speaker 1: for their timeline. But the more autonomy you have, the
4:10
Speaker 1: more ability you have to pivot and say, well, this
4:13
Speaker 1: didn't work out for me, but I have built myself
4:15
Speaker 1: up in a way and I have focused on what
4:17
Speaker 1: I can control that now I'm resilient enough or dynamic
4:21
Speaker 1: enough that I can find this other path where I
4:23
Speaker 1: still feel super fulfilled and really happy and maybe happier
4:25
Speaker 1: than I ever thought I could be living my life
4:28
Speaker 1: in a different way. Okay, so that's what we're going
4:30
Speaker 1: to be talking about. In a nutshell, there's a lot.
4:34
Speaker 1: So these are the key topics that I'm going to
4:36
Speaker 1: be covering. So the first one is how are we
4:38
Speaker 1: going to be letting go of this timeline panic, comparing
4:41
Speaker 1: ourselves to other people, that sense of comparison where I'm
4:44
Speaker 1: at versus where other people are at or where I
4:46
Speaker 1: thought I would be. I wrote a five year plan
4:48
Speaker 1: that was ten years ago, and I haven't ticked one
4:51
Speaker 1: thing off that list. Okay. The next one is friendships.
4:54
Speaker 1: So many questions were around either the evolution of friendships
4:58
Speaker 1: or how to create brain friendships. Are feeling that you
5:01
Speaker 1: just don't click with your current friendship group, but you
5:03
Speaker 1: really value friendships, and what are you going to do
5:05
Speaker 1: about it? Friendships in your thirties is huge, so that's
5:08
Speaker 1: really important topic. The next one is career reassessment and
5:12
Speaker 1: life direction. Then we've got overall relationships, love and family decisions.
5:17
Speaker 1: Then we've got identity and your relationship with yourself. Then
5:21
Speaker 1: we've got body image and overall health, and then we've
5:24
Speaker 1: got new rhythms in life, like when you make major
5:27
Speaker 1: changes like having children and stuff. Now, there were a
5:30
Speaker 1: lot of questions around fertility, having kids, all of that.
5:34
Speaker 1: It's just such a big topic that I actually think
5:37
Speaker 1: I need to flesh out an entire episode specifically around this.
5:41
Speaker 1: Where am I at with freezing eggs, fertility, do I
5:44
Speaker 1: even want kids? This huge existential question am I going
5:48
Speaker 1: to have children or not? So I'm like, I'm going
5:50
Speaker 1: to actually carve that topic out and not included in
5:53
Speaker 1: this episode because that alone will just eat up so
5:55
Speaker 1: much of this episode, and it is very important that
5:57
Speaker 1: I do address your mindset around that. So I want
6:00
Speaker 1: to get there, But just as a heads up, I'm
6:03
Speaker 1: not going to be diving too deep into that topic
6:05
Speaker 1: because it will have legs of its own and take
6:08
Speaker 1: over the entire episode. So I will be covering that
6:10
Speaker 1: in a very upcoming episode very soon. Okay, But before
6:15
Speaker 1: we even do go into all of that, I want
6:17
Speaker 1: to go into ten things that actually do get better
6:20
Speaker 1: in your thirties so you can start to feel really
6:22
Speaker 1: excited and empowered for your thirties. So let's cover this
6:25
Speaker 1: before we get into my seven key topics. So the
6:28
Speaker 1: first one is your decision making gets stronger. Your brain
6:33
Speaker 1: keeps developing. Okay, your prefrontal cortex is fully matured, well,
6:37
Speaker 1: it should be fully matured by your mid twenties. But
6:39
Speaker 1: once you already get that part of the brain matured,
6:41
Speaker 1: then you've got these few years of kind of using
6:44
Speaker 1: it and trial and error and learning, you become much
6:47
Speaker 1: better at decision making. I personally became more decisive in
6:50
Speaker 1: my thirties. And this is it's also intentional. You have
6:54
Speaker 1: to become aware of it. It's not just like, oh
6:56
Speaker 1: my god, a flip like a switch gets flipped and
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Speaker 1: then all of a sudden, oh my god, I can
7:00
Speaker 1: make decisions when last year I wasn't able to. It's
7:02
Speaker 1: something that you have to be self aware enough off.
7:06
Speaker 1: But when you learn what decisions you made in your past,
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Speaker 1: and what was a good process of making decision versus not,
7:13
Speaker 1: you know, when you went and did that really difficult thing,
7:15
Speaker 1: or when you made that decision and it ultimately failed,
7:18
Speaker 1: you'll actually be less afraid of failure because you realize
7:21
Speaker 1: that you were able to pieck yourself up after that.
7:23
Speaker 1: So your twenties are such a great precursor to set
7:26
Speaker 1: yourself up for your thirties. So this is what happens.
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Speaker 1: Become better at decision making. Number two, you become less
7:31
Speaker 1: interested in impressing people. That to me was a huge
7:34
Speaker 1: shift that I noticed kind of coming in maybe like
7:37
Speaker 1: not bang on thirty, but a couple of years into
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Speaker 1: my thirties, I was less interested in impressing people. And
7:43
Speaker 1: when I say that, I still cared about what people
7:46
Speaker 1: thought about me, and I wanted people to like, especially
7:49
Speaker 1: with my podcast it's like a public facing product. I
7:52
Speaker 1: still wanted people to like what I did, but it
7:55
Speaker 1: was more there was more depth to that. I wanted
7:58
Speaker 1: to like the content of what I was doing because
8:00
Speaker 1: I wanted it to be helpful and resourceful to them,
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Speaker 1: and then I'll be able to take on feedback and
8:05
Speaker 1: do more of the same because it felt like something
8:07
Speaker 1: that I could contribute with right. It wasn't just oh
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Speaker 1: my god, I want everyone to just think it's great
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Speaker 1: so I can have the most popular podcast and have
8:14
Speaker 1: what there was more depth to it. I didn't really
8:17
Speaker 1: care that much about Say, say, if I was going
8:20
Speaker 1: to an event, I wouldn't have to be like, now
8:21
Speaker 1: everyone has to like me at this event, or this
8:23
Speaker 1: person's friend has to like me. I was just more
8:26
Speaker 1: like relaxed. You're just more relaxed in yourself. And if
8:30
Speaker 1: a conversation is organic, I lean into that conversation. If
8:33
Speaker 1: I rock up to a group and the vibe is
8:36
Speaker 1: just not how I socialize, I didn't feel like I
8:39
Speaker 1: had to morph into someone else to then try and
8:41
Speaker 1: click in. I just think, like, you know, it's just
8:44
Speaker 1: not my vibe, no hate, and that I just not
8:48
Speaker 1: not my vibe right, And so I can just comfortably
8:51
Speaker 1: sit that out. I could leave an event earlier if
8:54
Speaker 1: I just absolutely wasn't feeling it. I felt more comfortable
8:56
Speaker 1: being like, I can't rock up to this event. You
8:59
Speaker 1: just feel more comfortable with not having to impress everyone
9:04
Speaker 1: without it being like I don't give a fuck, because
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Speaker 1: I do give a fuck and I do care, but
9:08
Speaker 1: it's not I don't, you know, spend all my time
9:12
Speaker 1: and energy thinking that everybody has to have the same
9:15
Speaker 1: really really high opinion of me. You let go of
9:17
Speaker 1: that shit. The next one is your tolerance for misalignment
9:22
Speaker 1: really drops. Okay, you start really noticing what time wasting
9:27
Speaker 1: really means to your life. You start really paying attention
9:30
Speaker 1: to what the wrong environments are, what the wrong friendships are,
9:33
Speaker 1: what the wrong relationships are, and you actually start to
9:36
Speaker 1: do something about it. You feel in a good way.
9:40
Speaker 1: Thirty isn't thirties isn't old, obviously, but you start to
9:42
Speaker 1: feel like time feels more precious in your thirties because
9:45
Speaker 1: you start making more definitive, bigger decisions, whether it is
9:49
Speaker 1: to have a family or to not have a family,
9:50
Speaker 1: whether it is to set your roots down, you know,
9:54
Speaker 1: marry someone or not, whether it is to divorce someone
9:56
Speaker 1: or not. So it's these big decisions, and you start
9:59
Speaker 1: looking at time as way more precious than when you're younger.
10:02
Speaker 1: I remember when when I was younger, I couldn't fathom
10:05
Speaker 1: myself being older, Like I knew it was going to happen,
10:07
Speaker 1: but it was not something that felt ever that real
10:09
Speaker 1: because it felt so far into the future. Now that
10:12
Speaker 1: I'm in my thirties, still very young, I really imagine
10:16
Speaker 1: what it's like to get older. I really think of
10:19
Speaker 1: myself as older, which helps me do more with my
10:22
Speaker 1: time now or at least be more intentional with my
10:25
Speaker 1: time because I've got that kind of deathbed perspective which
10:27
Speaker 1: helps me be more present and more just fucking on
10:31
Speaker 1: purpose and intentional. Okay, So that threshold for misalignment as
10:35
Speaker 1: you get older gets lower. You stop leaning into shit
10:39
Speaker 1: that's not working for you. You start Number four, you
10:42
Speaker 1: start choosing depth over variety. So instead of like twenties
10:47
Speaker 1: is all about exposing yourself to things left right and center,
10:49
Speaker 1: you know, meeting lots of people, new experiences, trying new things,
10:52
Speaker 1: which love that so much for you. But then you
10:54
Speaker 1: start thinking like, I don't care if I've got less friends,
10:56
Speaker 1: but if they're the right friends and really deep, you know,
10:58
Speaker 1: I don't care if you know I've chosen this job
11:01
Speaker 1: that doesn't make me as much money because it's given
11:03
Speaker 1: me a much better life. I'm a lot happier, calmer,
11:06
Speaker 1: you know, I'm more regulated. Shit like that. Okay. You
11:10
Speaker 1: choose stability over chaos, and it doesn't mean that you
11:12
Speaker 1: can't have adventure. Well, lean into that in a second,
11:15
Speaker 1: well in one of the topics, but it's this you
11:18
Speaker 1: really start to value what actual emotional stability looks like.
11:21
Speaker 1: Number five, Your emotional regulation improves, so you become better
11:25
Speaker 1: at managing your emotional responses. Okay, you are. You start
11:29
Speaker 1: to kind of let things go a bit easier. You are,
11:33
Speaker 1: You become a little bit less reactive. This is all
11:35
Speaker 1: if you're willing to learn from your lessons. There are
11:37
Speaker 1: people out there who are not self aware at all,
11:40
Speaker 1: and they carry on like a fucking pork chop well
11:41
Speaker 1: into their fifties. But in general, this is kind of
11:44
Speaker 1: what's happening. Number six. You get better at identifying what
11:48
Speaker 1: you want in your life because you've had this trial
11:50
Speaker 1: and err of your twenties. Because you know what you
11:52
Speaker 1: don't want, you get better at knowing what you want. Now.
11:55
Speaker 1: I think it's so important to know what you don't
11:57
Speaker 1: want without like dwelling. You don't want to dwell. But
12:01
Speaker 1: it's really it's key to pay attention to what you
12:04
Speaker 1: don't want. Otherwise you keep going down the same spiral.
12:06
Speaker 1: You keep going down the same spiral because there's three
12:08
Speaker 1: things that you can focus on. You can either focus
12:09
Speaker 1: on what you want, you can focus on what you
12:11
Speaker 1: don't want, or you can focus on what you're scared off. Okay, now,
12:15
Speaker 1: for example, you could say I don't want an unhealthy relationship,
12:19
Speaker 1: and I'm well aware of me not wanting it, and
12:21
Speaker 1: I know I want a healthy relationship, So why do
12:23
Speaker 1: I keep going into unhealthy relationships? Because you're scared of
12:26
Speaker 1: being alone, You're scared of abandonment, You're scared of these things.
12:29
Speaker 1: So that's what I mean by having those three pillars.
12:31
Speaker 1: So it's important to know what you don't want as
12:33
Speaker 1: long as you know what you can do about it.
12:35
Speaker 1: You can't just be like, well, I've I've already identified
12:37
Speaker 1: that I don't want that, but I keep running into
12:39
Speaker 1: that same fucking obstacle every day of the fucking week.
12:42
Speaker 1: And that is why, because you're not doing something about it. Okay,
12:46
Speaker 1: So when you are better at identifying what you actually want,
12:50
Speaker 1: you are less pressured by social expectations, by you know,
12:54
Speaker 1: cultural norms and shit like that. Yeah, pretty much. And
13:00
Speaker 1: number seven you develop better, stronger boundaries. So this comes
13:04
Speaker 1: from emotional maturity obviously. Going up number eight, your confidence
13:09
Speaker 1: becomes quieter but stronger. You stop thinking of confidence as
13:13
Speaker 1: like this big personality, the loudest person in the room.
13:15
Speaker 1: You look at confidence as like it might be that
13:18
Speaker 1: at times, and that might be who you are, as
13:20
Speaker 1: like that might be your innate personality. Love that so
13:22
Speaker 1: much for you. But the real confidence, with or without
13:26
Speaker 1: that big character energy comes from feeling genuinely comfortable and
13:30
Speaker 1: accepting yourself in your own skin. That is confidence, because
13:33
Speaker 1: if I accept who I am as an individual and
13:35
Speaker 1: who I am in my own skin, then who I
13:37
Speaker 1: show up as to every single individual is the same.
13:41
Speaker 1: I don't have to put on an act because I'm
13:42
Speaker 1: around this person and a different act around this person.
13:45
Speaker 1: I just feel like a more constant version of myself,
13:48
Speaker 1: and because of that, it strengthens my self esteem and
13:51
Speaker 1: my view on my own self and how much I
13:54
Speaker 1: accept myself. Number nine, your risk assessment gets smarter. Of
14:00
Speaker 1: this trial and error, you get better at making calculated risks.
14:03
Speaker 1: It's not that you don't take risks, it's that you're
14:05
Speaker 1: better at calculating what kind of risk you're about to
14:08
Speaker 1: get into and if you should or shouldn't go down
14:11
Speaker 1: that path. And number ten, you start designing your life,
14:16
Speaker 1: choosing where your life is going instead of constantly reacting
14:19
Speaker 1: to things left, right and center. Now, if those ten
14:22
Speaker 1: things sound like, yeah, well that sounds fucking fabulous, But
14:24
Speaker 1: I'm thirty six and none of those things are true
14:27
Speaker 1: for my thirties. Well, you can make these true for
14:29
Speaker 1: your late thirties or your forties. But what I'm saying
14:32
Speaker 1: is when you become super self aware of all these things,
14:36
Speaker 1: these other feelings that you're going to feel coming into
14:39
Speaker 1: your thirties. Okay, so now we're going to go into
14:42
Speaker 1: the seven themes of this episode. The first one that
14:45
Speaker 1: I said we were going to be talking about is
14:47
Speaker 1: letting go of this timeline panic. This is huge, if
14:52
Speaker 1: not after the friendship questions, this was the most popular
14:55
Speaker 1: question that came through this idea of the timeline. When
14:58
Speaker 1: am I going to have kids? Us broke up with
15:00
Speaker 1: my long term partner and I'm in my early thirties
15:03
Speaker 1: and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm thirty three
15:05
Speaker 1: and I realize I hate my career, but also I
15:08
Speaker 1: just got a mortgage and so I can't turn things around.
15:11
Speaker 1: I'm feeling old. I have no proper career, no partner,
15:15
Speaker 1: no kids, and all my friends are at this point
15:17
Speaker 1: in their timeline. So it's this basically a fear that
15:20
Speaker 1: you are falling behind. The problem with this, well, there's
15:24
Speaker 1: so many fucking problems with this feeling falling behind. But
15:27
Speaker 1: one of the main issues around this falling behind is
15:30
Speaker 1: that it forces us to be reactive. We start scrambling,
15:34
Speaker 1: we start it's all about comparison, because timelines don't exist
15:37
Speaker 1: unless you have a point of comparison. And I'm not
15:39
Speaker 1: talking about like the twoking time bomb of your guteroris.
15:41
Speaker 1: I'm talking about timelines in general, around career, having a mortgage,
15:45
Speaker 1: finding a partner, just in general outside of fertility. So
15:49
Speaker 1: the problem with this is when we're constantly comparing ourselves
15:51
Speaker 1: to other people's timelines, we are in this reactive state.
15:56
Speaker 1: We don't make proper decisions that feel good within our
16:00
Speaker 1: call where we feel calm and regulated. We're constantly like, ah,
16:03
Speaker 1: I've got to do this, I'm reacting on it, and
16:05
Speaker 1: we feel scattered, we feel anxious, we feel misaligned, and
16:09
Speaker 1: we feel like we're always playing catch up, always playing
16:12
Speaker 1: catch up, and it never feels better. It's not like
16:16
Speaker 1: the more I scramble, the more I scramble, the more
16:18
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, thank god, I'm keeping up with these people.
16:21
Speaker 1: It just feels worse and worse and worse. You never
16:23
Speaker 1: get to a point where you think, oh my god,
16:24
Speaker 1: now finally I'm going to stop comparing myself to other
16:26
Speaker 1: people because I've ticked this thing off the list. It
16:29
Speaker 1: you know, it makes you lean into that thought process
16:34
Speaker 1: more and more and more. The more you lean into
16:35
Speaker 1: anxious thoughts, the more you lean into comparison or jealousy
16:39
Speaker 1: or you know, competition with other people, you're going to
16:43
Speaker 1: do more of the same and that's where you're going
16:44
Speaker 1: to get your validation from. Okay, you think, now, in
16:47
Speaker 1: order to feel good, if with this mentality of timeline
16:50
Speaker 1: comparison and timeline panic, in order to feel good, I
16:53
Speaker 1: have to be better than this person as to where
16:56
Speaker 1: they are at in their timeline. So what can you
16:58
Speaker 1: do about it? Okay? So the way do you want
17:00
Speaker 1: to reframe this is how can I actually start being
17:03
Speaker 1: really really intentional with what I'm doing with my time?
17:06
Speaker 1: And by intentional I mean not being reactive and being
17:09
Speaker 1: proactive because it's really easy we throw that word around
17:11
Speaker 1: being intentional, be intentional, but in the sense of am
17:15
Speaker 1: I making this decision purely because I'm pitting myself against
17:19
Speaker 1: my friends, my siblings, my family, my peers, people I
17:22
Speaker 1: went to school with, or is it because it's something
17:24
Speaker 1: that I actually am interested in doing? And that I
17:26
Speaker 1: really want to do. I've mentioned this not that long ago,
17:30
Speaker 1: but for me, I also did do a lot of
17:32
Speaker 1: that timeline comparison. And when I finally found something that
17:37
Speaker 1: really clicked that I was really interested in, even before
17:40
Speaker 1: I had all the answers, mind you, and that's when
17:42
Speaker 1: I started doing my masters. So I already had this
17:44
Speaker 1: interest in the brain. I'd done my undergraduate degree, but
17:47
Speaker 1: I took many years off because I thought, I don't
17:49
Speaker 1: know what career I would have in psychology and euroscience space,
17:53
Speaker 1: and I felt a little bit imposterish in the sense
17:56
Speaker 1: of like, well, I don't know much in comparison to
17:59
Speaker 1: the other peers in that industry. So I was leaning
18:01
Speaker 1: into personal training, acting, doing everything. But then I was
18:06
Speaker 1: really very much in that comparison state. Everyone was moving,
18:10
Speaker 1: you know, leaps and bounds beyond me as far as
18:12
Speaker 1: putting a deposit down in a property, having a partner,
18:15
Speaker 1: getting and get all the shit right. And so I
18:18
Speaker 1: was really in that comparison state, and I really struggled
18:21
Speaker 1: to snap out of that. I would have my moments
18:23
Speaker 1: of she motivation where I'd come up with a new idea,
18:27
Speaker 1: but then that would fade off. Two weeks later when
18:29
Speaker 1: that idea wasn't coming to fruition and it require the
18:31
Speaker 1: hard work, and I was kind of in this like
18:33
Speaker 1: up and down, up and down, up and down phase.
18:35
Speaker 1: It wasn't until I really started the master's degree and
18:38
Speaker 1: I thought, no, no, no, no, no, this is the right thing.
18:40
Speaker 1: I love it. I still don't know what career I'm
18:42
Speaker 1: going to have. I still don't have enough money to
18:45
Speaker 1: save a dollar. It's just all going to like rent
18:47
Speaker 1: and all these things. I wasn't making much money. But
18:50
Speaker 1: that was when I stopped comparing myself because I finally
18:53
Speaker 1: was super intentional with what I was doing my time.
18:56
Speaker 1: I found something that really felt right for me as
18:58
Speaker 1: an individual. It was for me personally and it felt
19:01
Speaker 1: really good. So you want to start to look at
19:04
Speaker 1: your life and say, am I doing something that feels
19:07
Speaker 1: really good for me as an individual? Even if you
19:10
Speaker 1: have family, partner, kids, all of the above, What are
19:12
Speaker 1: you doing for you as an individual that feels really
19:16
Speaker 1: satisfying in the long term. I'm not talking about short winds, left, right,
19:20
Speaker 1: and center. I'm talking about something that you're working towards
19:23
Speaker 1: that you go to bed at night being like it
19:25
Speaker 1: really feels like I've earned that thing there, and I've
19:27
Speaker 1: chipped away at something that matters to me. When you
19:31
Speaker 1: get one thing like that that you can hold onto
19:33
Speaker 1: and start to grow, ideally two things, so you have
19:37
Speaker 1: something that you know you really care about, if you know,
19:39
Speaker 1: if it's not career, it doesn't have to be career,
19:42
Speaker 1: but something that really matters to you, then the ball
19:44
Speaker 1: starts to roll. You get into this calmer, more regulated,
19:47
Speaker 1: proactive mindset of feeling like I'm working on something for me.
19:51
Speaker 1: That's when the comparisons start to fade away. I understand
19:55
Speaker 1: that there's always going to be comparisons around the timeline
19:58
Speaker 1: of family and things like that, but you also so
20:00
Speaker 1: I have to be aware of all the examples outside
20:04
Speaker 1: of the ones that you are looking at. At the moment,
20:06
Speaker 1: your lens might be more narrow than you realize. You
20:09
Speaker 1: might be comparing yourself just to the people around you,
20:12
Speaker 1: your friends, your peers, and thinking, you know, I just
20:14
Speaker 1: broke up with this long term partner, how am I
20:16
Speaker 1: starting again. There are people going through a divorce where
20:19
Speaker 1: they never ended up having kids late into their forties.
20:22
Speaker 1: In their fifties, people start over with relationships all the time.
20:26
Speaker 1: In your life. I think that the thirties is just
20:28
Speaker 1: a big time for a big breakup or a big
20:31
Speaker 1: restarter for relationships. So it feels really pressing. But you
20:35
Speaker 1: have to start looking at examples outside of the ones
20:38
Speaker 1: that you're looking at to make you realize that when
20:40
Speaker 1: it comes to starting and ending relationships, there really is
20:43
Speaker 1: no timeline and there is no better decision that you
20:46
Speaker 1: can make than to end a relationship that isn't working
20:49
Speaker 1: for you. Fuck the timeline. If something isn't working for you,
20:53
Speaker 1: don't keep it in your life just because of the timeline.
20:56
Speaker 1: Because zoom out and think bigger picture shit, much much
21:00
Speaker 1: bigger picture shit. Why am I doing everything that I'm doing?
21:03
Speaker 1: What is the point of the career or the kids,
21:05
Speaker 1: or the partner or the comparison of the timeline or
21:07
Speaker 1: the needing more money or the truck? Why do we
21:09
Speaker 1: do it? Because we want to have a level of
21:11
Speaker 1: life satisfaction. And what does life satisfaction give us? It
21:13
Speaker 1: gives us obviously happiness, It gives us peace, It gives
21:17
Speaker 1: us you know where we feel more regulated, and it
21:21
Speaker 1: gives us this like calmer state of mind, right and fulfillment. Okay,
21:26
Speaker 1: and probably a middle and other things. So when you
21:29
Speaker 1: look at the bigger picture of why you're doing what
21:31
Speaker 1: you're doing, then you can be a bit more intentional
21:34
Speaker 1: on the decisions you're making. If the point of having
21:36
Speaker 1: this timeline is because I want to be happy, is
21:39
Speaker 1: what I'm doing right now making me happy? Comparing isn't
21:42
Speaker 1: making me happy. Trying to slog this out so I
21:44
Speaker 1: can catch up with my friends isn't making me happy.
21:46
Speaker 1: Staying in this relationship with a cunt just because I
21:50
Speaker 1: don't want to dump them and then have to start
21:52
Speaker 1: from scratch and then be further down the timeline it
21:54
Speaker 1: makes no sense. So why are you doing what you
21:58
Speaker 1: are doing in the first place? What is the underlying feeling?
22:00
Speaker 1: If I can't identify the underlying feeling of what I'm doing,
22:04
Speaker 1: that it's probably a waste of my time. Okay, And
22:07
Speaker 1: then you start being a little bit more intentional. You
22:09
Speaker 1: are going to have losses, there's going to be things
22:12
Speaker 1: that don't work out. There's going to be hard things
22:14
Speaker 1: that you come up against. But when you look at
22:16
Speaker 1: the timeline, I really encourage you to find better examples
22:20
Speaker 1: and more examples to broaden your horizons around what it
22:24
Speaker 1: is that you're comparing yourself to because I did a
22:27
Speaker 1: talk in the Sunshine Coast and this girl came up
22:31
Speaker 1: to me and she said, well, this young woman came
22:33
Speaker 1: up to me and she said, I'm really really struggling
22:35
Speaker 1: because I'm falling behind. I'm you know, all my friends
22:38
Speaker 1: are engaged having kids, and you know, I'm just I
22:41
Speaker 1: really want to be working on my career, but I
22:43
Speaker 1: feel so stuck and so behind. And even when I
22:46
Speaker 1: try and do something that and really honor myself, you know,
22:49
Speaker 1: everyone always says, oh, you know, but you know, everyone
22:51
Speaker 1: else is moving ahead of you. My parents are putting
22:53
Speaker 1: the pressure. And I'm like, babe, how old are you
22:56
Speaker 1: And she was like, I'm twenty four. And I was like,
22:58
Speaker 1: move cities. Can't move move cities. And I'm not saying that,
23:04
Speaker 1: And what I meant by that is, you know, I said,
23:06
Speaker 1: I live in Sydney, right and at the time, none
23:10
Speaker 1: and we're all in our thirties and one of my
23:12
Speaker 1: friends had kids at the time. Now, you know, we're
23:15
Speaker 1: all in our mid thirties and everyone's popping out children left,
23:17
Speaker 1: right and center. But none of them had kids at
23:19
Speaker 1: the time except one. And I was like, you need
23:21
Speaker 1: to change your environment. So I'm not saying you actually
23:23
Speaker 1: have to physically move cities, but I'm saying, where are
23:26
Speaker 1: you mentally placed environment wise and who are you comparing
23:29
Speaker 1: yourself to? Sometimes you need to pull yourself out of
23:31
Speaker 1: that environment and start comparing yourself to a broader perspective
23:35
Speaker 1: of people and things. If you fixate so heavily on
23:38
Speaker 1: the timeline, you're never going to be happy. Even when
23:40
Speaker 1: you adhere to that timeline, even when you finally catch up,
23:43
Speaker 1: you're not going to be happy because you were doing
23:45
Speaker 1: it for a different reason other than to make yourself
23:47
Speaker 1: feel fulfilled. So number one, broaden your horizons when it
23:50
Speaker 1: comes to this timeline, and number two, start to find
23:52
Speaker 1: something that feels really good that when you put your
23:55
Speaker 1: head down on the pillow at night, you think, oh,
23:57
Speaker 1: love that I worked towards. I think it really felt
23:59
Speaker 1: good too. And then everything starts fading away. It doesn't
24:02
Speaker 1: matter if you're if this person put a deposit on
24:05
Speaker 1: the house, it doesn't matter anymore. Sense sense Okay? Number two, friendships.
24:19
Speaker 1: This is a huge one. Okay. Now, so many questions
24:24
Speaker 1: around friendship's people you know asking about you know, how
24:27
Speaker 1: to make new friends in your thirties. People saying how
24:29
Speaker 1: to make friends when I hate going out and I'm
24:31
Speaker 1: not social at all, Well, I can't answer that. If
24:33
Speaker 1: you're not willing to put yourself out on a limb
24:35
Speaker 1: in some way, shape or form, there's nothing I can
24:37
Speaker 1: do to help you, unfortunately, because when it comes to
24:41
Speaker 1: making friends, you have to be vulnerable. Same with any relationship.
24:45
Speaker 1: When it comes to creating or strengthening a relationship, it
24:48
Speaker 1: requires vulnerability. If you do not want to get outside
24:52
Speaker 1: of your home, and you do not want to go
24:53
Speaker 1: to a social event, and you do not want to
24:56
Speaker 1: break out of your creature of habit like morning Tonight
24:59
Speaker 1: life style, then I agree with you. It's going to
25:02
Speaker 1: be very fucking hard to find new friends unless you,
25:05
Speaker 1: like find them online and never catch up with them
25:08
Speaker 1: in person. I don't know. It will require you going
25:11
Speaker 1: out of getting out of your comfort zone. It has to.
25:14
Speaker 1: That's every relationship, Okay. But what I am going to
25:16
Speaker 1: say is there's going to be a huge shift in
25:20
Speaker 1: your relationships from when you're a young adult to when
25:23
Speaker 1: you are in your thirties, forties and beyond, and you
25:26
Speaker 1: have to make peace with that. Okay, Your friendships can
25:29
Speaker 1: evolve I'm not saying you have to swap friends or
25:31
Speaker 1: get brand new friends for some people. Yes, for some people. Know,
25:34
Speaker 1: but you have to really lean into the evolution of friendships. Okay.
25:39
Speaker 1: One thing that I've noticed a lot, especially on social
25:41
Speaker 1: media and what people talk about on social media, is
25:44
Speaker 1: that when it comes to friendships, a lot of people
25:46
Speaker 1: are very selfish but expect so much from other people.
25:50
Speaker 1: You know, and from all perspectives. You see people who
25:53
Speaker 1: are parents, new parents, who are horrified that they're childless,
25:59
Speaker 1: friends don't understand or don't do enough, or don't whatever,
26:03
Speaker 1: you know, they expect all this shit when they don't
26:06
Speaker 1: extend that grace to their friends who don't really understand
26:09
Speaker 1: the position that they're in and are on a different
26:11
Speaker 1: life trajectory altogether. Then you've got the other way around.
26:14
Speaker 1: You've got people who don't have kids who are looking
26:16
Speaker 1: at their friends have kids and be like, can you
26:17
Speaker 1: believe that they expect me to come over? And they
26:19
Speaker 1: expect men Then they want to talk about their kid.
26:21
Speaker 1: I don't want to talk about their kid because I'm
26:23
Speaker 1: not faking. So you've got the two fields, which I
26:25
Speaker 1: think both are super selfish because it's like, at what
26:28
Speaker 1: point did a friendship have to be about you have
26:31
Speaker 1: to serve my needs. So a lot of people when
26:33
Speaker 1: it comes to friendships, they're like, but no one's inviting
26:35
Speaker 1: me out, No one's doing this, no one's doing that.
26:37
Speaker 1: This person always talks about their kids. I need new friends,
26:39
Speaker 1: I need this, I need I I How good a
26:42
Speaker 1: friend are you? And how often are you inviting random
26:45
Speaker 1: people out? It's not about just being friendly and nice
26:47
Speaker 1: and whatever. You need to step outside of your comfort
26:49
Speaker 1: zone and start inviting people out. You also need to
26:53
Speaker 1: say why is this person a good friend? And why
26:55
Speaker 1: am I a good friend? So, for example, my best
26:59
Speaker 1: friend live when she had her son, nothing as far
27:03
Speaker 1: as how we love each other and how we show
27:05
Speaker 1: up for each other changed. Did I preempt her every need?
27:08
Speaker 1: I'm sure I absolutely did not. I'm sure there were
27:11
Speaker 1: other friends who have had kids who understood her position
27:13
Speaker 1: much better than I did. But I did my best,
27:18
Speaker 1: and I also really respected and loved that she was
27:23
Speaker 1: going through this new stage in her life. I actually
27:25
Speaker 1: wanted to hear about her son because she's my fucking friend.
27:29
Speaker 1: I care about these details in her life. I knew
27:31
Speaker 1: that she was going through a massive life change. I
27:33
Speaker 1: wasn't like boring because I'm not going through that. It's like,
27:36
Speaker 1: what kind of friend are you? I understand that there
27:39
Speaker 1: is a threshold and you don't want to hang out
27:41
Speaker 1: in a group where they're only talking about changing nap
27:44
Speaker 1: is when you've never had a kid, or the other
27:46
Speaker 1: way around, if you're the only one with a kid
27:48
Speaker 1: and you go to a group and they're like, you're
27:50
Speaker 1: not allowed to talk about your kid. Like, what I'm
27:52
Speaker 1: saying is how good a friend are you? And how
27:54
Speaker 1: adaptable are you to major life changes for your friend?
27:59
Speaker 1: How supportive are you you if your friend's going through
28:01
Speaker 1: a breakup or if your friends going through a divorce,
28:04
Speaker 1: or you get what I'm saying When I'm saying that,
28:07
Speaker 1: if you're not willing to evolve with your friends through
28:10
Speaker 1: their major life changes or be understanding of where they
28:14
Speaker 1: are at in their timelines, then it's going to be
28:16
Speaker 1: very difficult for you to have that longevity with your friends. Okay,
28:20
Speaker 1: for you to have this long term thing with your friends. Also,
28:24
Speaker 1: to touch on the whole children thing, if you have
28:27
Speaker 1: had kids, you should feel free to talk about your
28:29
Speaker 1: kids to your friends, but at the same time, you
28:31
Speaker 1: should also still give your time to the actual friendship. Okay,
28:38
Speaker 1: so I've got friends that haven't had kids, and when
28:41
Speaker 1: I hang out with them, of course they ask me
28:42
Speaker 1: how kids are and they ask me how things are going,
28:44
Speaker 1: you know, because they're interested in their care. But I
28:46
Speaker 1: do dedicate a lot of my time with these friends
28:48
Speaker 1: not bringing up kids at all, because our friendship is
28:51
Speaker 1: much deeper than that. So that's kind of what I'm
28:54
Speaker 1: trying to say is how often are you doing an
28:57
Speaker 1: inventory of the kind of friend that you are? Ken?
29:00
Speaker 1: Is there things that you can tidy up and shape
29:02
Speaker 1: up and neaten up? Because the answer is probably yes
29:04
Speaker 1: for ninety nine percent of all of us, including myself,
29:07
Speaker 1: we can always do the work to become a better friend,
29:10
Speaker 1: to be more attentive, to be more present, to evolve
29:12
Speaker 1: with our friends. Secondly, if you genuinely have outgrown your
29:15
Speaker 1: friends and it's just not it, what are you doing
29:18
Speaker 1: to make new friends? You want to be invited out?
29:20
Speaker 1: But how often are you you inviting other people out?
29:23
Speaker 1: It's not the funnest thing in the world to do
29:25
Speaker 1: because it might feel a little bit scary and whatever,
29:28
Speaker 1: whether it's a colleague, you might also think, you know
29:30
Speaker 1: what there actually was that person that I met that
29:33
Speaker 1: time and we had such a great chat, but it's
29:35
Speaker 1: been too far gone and I've never reached out to them,
29:38
Speaker 1: and now like, maybe I could have had a friendship
29:39
Speaker 1: with that person, And so you're never going to reach
29:41
Speaker 1: out because you're mortified reach out. It's these things like
29:44
Speaker 1: this is the time where we have to put ourselves
29:46
Speaker 1: out on a limb and reach out. The worst that
29:48
Speaker 1: can happen is that they say no. But if you
29:51
Speaker 1: are not willing to be vulnerable and put yourself out
29:54
Speaker 1: on a limb, things aren't going to happen. And that's
29:56
Speaker 1: when this whole beggars can't be choosed as thing falls
29:59
Speaker 1: into play and you have to settle for friendships that
30:02
Speaker 1: you legitimately have outgrown. After you've said can I be
30:05
Speaker 1: a better friend? Have I made sure that I've done
30:08
Speaker 1: what I can with this friendship? If it's just not
30:10
Speaker 1: right or if it's a bitchy or mean friendship, you
30:12
Speaker 1: end up staying and settling. And then the downside to that,
30:16
Speaker 1: among the fact that you don't want to hang out
30:17
Speaker 1: with them, the other downside to that is when you
30:19
Speaker 1: settle in relationships, you tell yourself this is what my
30:22
Speaker 1: time is worth. And therefore you start to doubt yourself.
30:26
Speaker 1: Your self esteem goes down, your confidence goes down, all
30:28
Speaker 1: of the above. So do an inventory on your behavior
30:31
Speaker 1: with your friendships. Ask yourself, can I be a better friend?
30:34
Speaker 1: And will that better our relationship? Will that strengthen this
30:37
Speaker 1: existing friendship instead of saying, oh my god, everyone's had
30:39
Speaker 1: kids and now I have to find brand new friends
30:41
Speaker 1: or whatever, or vice versa, I'm the only one having
30:44
Speaker 1: kids and I can't. I'd have got nothing to relate
30:46
Speaker 1: with my other friends. Now, just check in with yourself
30:49
Speaker 1: and then secondly, what are you doing to reach out
30:52
Speaker 1: to other people? And if you don't want to leave
30:54
Speaker 1: your home, you're going to have to you join a
30:57
Speaker 1: run club or a pottery class something, because you can't.
31:01
Speaker 1: You can't manifest a French out of thin air. You've
31:02
Speaker 1: got to do something you can still align with your desires,
31:05
Speaker 1: but it's got to be relevant. Okay, Now, next one
31:09
Speaker 1: theme number three, This is career reassessment and life direction. Now,
31:16
Speaker 1: when you enter your thirties or this stage in your life,
31:18
Speaker 1: it's going to trigger a lot of honesty. And the
31:20
Speaker 1: reason is because we start thinking, wait a minute, I've
31:22
Speaker 1: got a lot more maturity now I'm asking myself for
31:24
Speaker 1: these bigger questions timeline aside. I'm now mature enough to realize,
31:29
Speaker 1: wait a minute, I've been kind of having fun or
31:32
Speaker 1: doing this, or traveling not here, not there, but now
31:34
Speaker 1: is the time to start setting some roots down and
31:37
Speaker 1: finding some normality and stability in my life. And I
31:40
Speaker 1: realize I really don't like my career. What do you
31:43
Speaker 1: do if you were in that part of your life?
31:45
Speaker 1: Do you stop, reshape and change or do you keep going?
31:48
Speaker 1: Because this is the time you need to be saving
31:51
Speaker 1: money and doing all of these things. So obviously I
31:53
Speaker 1: can't give a blanket answer for absolutely everyone because everyone's
31:57
Speaker 1: point in their life is completely different. And when you
31:59
Speaker 1: have responsibilities, part of being an adult is, you know,
32:02
Speaker 1: showing up for those responsibilities. I'm not going to say, oh,
32:05
Speaker 1: you've got debts, fuck it, be bankrupt and just change careers.
32:09
Speaker 1: That's not what I'm going to say. You have to
32:11
Speaker 1: show up for your responsibilities, and you have to that's
32:14
Speaker 1: part of being an adult. It's actually a privilege that
32:16
Speaker 1: we get to have these responsibilities. Well I don't know
32:18
Speaker 1: if privilege is the word, but it's actually a nice thing.
32:20
Speaker 1: That's what being an adult is. So what I am
32:22
Speaker 1: going to say, though, if you're having this existential crisis
32:25
Speaker 1: when it comes to your career, do not get stuck
32:27
Speaker 1: in the sunk cost fallacy. That's the one piece of
32:30
Speaker 1: advice I will give you around careers in your thirties
32:32
Speaker 1: and reassessing where you're at. Don't stay in a job
32:36
Speaker 1: purely because you've been there for long enough, because you've
32:40
Speaker 1: been there for the last ten years. If it's your
32:42
Speaker 1: only means of paying for the shit that you've got
32:45
Speaker 1: going on, then don't quit your job until you've got
32:48
Speaker 1: a good alternative going on. But if the only reason
32:51
Speaker 1: you are staying is because, well, I paid all this
32:53
Speaker 1: money for a degree, but I hate my job and
32:56
Speaker 1: I'm miserable in its too high stress. It's not the
32:58
Speaker 1: life that I wanted. I now want to calmer, more
33:00
Speaker 1: regulated life and this is doing my head in but
33:03
Speaker 1: I'm staying in it. Because of this sun cost fallacy.
33:06
Speaker 1: You will continue to lose the longer you stay in it.
33:09
Speaker 1: We think that unless that loss is realized, like unless
33:12
Speaker 1: we quit and say well it's finished, that it's not
33:14
Speaker 1: actually a loss, but it will continue to be a
33:17
Speaker 1: bigger and bigger and bigger loss until we do something
33:19
Speaker 1: about it. Okay, the time has already passed your life
33:23
Speaker 1: up until now. Who you are today, that's done. You
33:26
Speaker 1: can never get it back. You can never turn things around.
33:29
Speaker 1: You can never change the past. You can only change
33:31
Speaker 1: what you're doing from today onwards. If you were forty
33:34
Speaker 1: looking back at your thirties, would you be pissed off
33:38
Speaker 1: that you didn't quit that job back then instead of
33:42
Speaker 1: now having to quit it in your forties because it's
33:44
Speaker 1: now drained the living daylights out of you. You have
33:47
Speaker 1: to have these big existential questions that you ask yourself
33:50
Speaker 1: because money aside. If the only reason I'm staying in
33:52
Speaker 1: this job is because of this sun cost fallacy, this
33:55
Speaker 1: is the time. The time is now. There is no
33:57
Speaker 1: better time than now to make this hard decision. Okay,
34:00
Speaker 1: what actually fits into your life? It is okay to
34:04
Speaker 1: have pivots in your career. Doesn't make sense that we
34:06
Speaker 1: make these major career life decisions at the age of
34:09
Speaker 1: eighteen when we graduate high school. It is okay to
34:11
Speaker 1: change your mind on that thing, but you have to
34:14
Speaker 1: follow through and do something about it. Theme number four
34:18
Speaker 1: Entering your thirties. This is relationships and family decisions, and
34:24
Speaker 1: so many of the questions here were, you know, being
34:26
Speaker 1: happy alone but also wanting a family, worrying that I'll
34:29
Speaker 1: never find the right person, you know, dealing with low
34:31
Speaker 1: effort men, ending a long term relationship in my thirties,
34:35
Speaker 1: how to know when it's a good time to settle.
34:37
Speaker 1: These are all the questions I said. I wasn't going
34:39
Speaker 1: to address the idea of should I or should I
34:41
Speaker 1: not have children, because that's a whole episode that I
34:43
Speaker 1: need to tackle. But when it comes to relationships in
34:47
Speaker 1: your thirties, I think the key questions that you have
34:50
Speaker 1: to ask yourself at all again, it comes down to
34:52
Speaker 1: this feeling that we're feeling. Why am I doing what
34:55
Speaker 1: I'm doing? We will if we're in this position of
34:59
Speaker 1: I'm not happy with who I am as an individual,
35:01
Speaker 1: we will do anything but to feel this fear of loss,
35:06
Speaker 1: fear of abandonment, fear of not being accepted. So we
35:10
Speaker 1: end up living our life on autopilot in this reactive state.
35:13
Speaker 1: I'm staying in this relationship or I'm staying in this
35:17
Speaker 1: situation in my life, this job, this whatever, this friendship,
35:20
Speaker 1: because I'm really, really scared of what the alternative brings.
35:23
Speaker 1: And then again you on top of that, you lay
35:25
Speaker 1: up and I'm getting older, and there's a timeline, and
35:28
Speaker 1: and so then we end up being paralyzed and just
35:31
Speaker 1: going through the motions, and we think, oh, but in
35:33
Speaker 1: a year, it'll be different, something will change in a year.
35:36
Speaker 1: But then before you know it, it's been five years
35:37
Speaker 1: and nothing that you want it has happened at all. Okay,
35:41
Speaker 1: so what where do we start? How do we do
35:43
Speaker 1: this idea of changing when it comes to relationships. One
35:46
Speaker 1: of the questions that I wanted to really target is
35:49
Speaker 1: someone saying I'm torn between being happy alone but also
35:52
Speaker 1: really wanting a family. This comes down to what I
35:54
Speaker 1: was talking about earlier about not actually being able to
35:57
Speaker 1: control external things outside us when I don't want you
36:01
Speaker 1: guys doing, especially for the single gals and guys listening,
36:05
Speaker 1: is to think that now I need to fast strike
36:07
Speaker 1: who I'm going to date, and I need to accelerate,
36:09
Speaker 1: and I've got to go on a rampage dating. Because
36:11
Speaker 1: what also happens when we do this dating rampage and
36:14
Speaker 1: things aren't working and not working out, It really starts
36:16
Speaker 1: to affect our mental health Okay, we start to feel like,
36:19
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's not happening for me the timeline
36:22
Speaker 1: of this, and like, you know, I really fell in
36:24
Speaker 1: love with this person that didn't like me back and whatever,
36:26
Speaker 1: and then you before you know it, it's been a
36:28
Speaker 1: year of hardcore dating and it's not working out for you,
36:30
Speaker 1: and you've abandoned your relationship with yourself. Flip it around.
36:36
Speaker 1: Always prioritize your relationship with yourself. When you start to
36:41
Speaker 1: treat yourself better, do nice things for yourself, you become
36:44
Speaker 1: the happiest version of yourself. You become a lot calmer,
36:47
Speaker 1: you become a lot confident, more confident, and more importantly,
36:50
Speaker 1: it's the only thing you can control. You need to
36:53
Speaker 1: stop trying to control the things outside of you and
36:55
Speaker 1: put all your focus into what you can control. And
36:59
Speaker 1: really that's kind of the theme of this entire episode. Everything
37:03
Speaker 1: you do comes down to what you can control. I
37:06
Speaker 1: can't control if this person's going to dump me, but
37:08
Speaker 1: I can control how happy I am with what I
37:12
Speaker 1: do with my own life. So that way, if they
37:14
Speaker 1: dumped me, I would still be happy as an individual.
37:17
Speaker 1: I can be heartbroken, but I can still be fulfilled
37:19
Speaker 1: as an individual. If I put all my eggs into
37:22
Speaker 1: the basket of partner kids, then of course I'm going
37:25
Speaker 1: to feel like I haven't achieved what I wanted to
37:28
Speaker 1: in life, and I'm falling behind and all these things.
37:30
Speaker 1: If your life goal is to have children, that's okay,
37:33
Speaker 1: but you need more goals than that, and you need
37:36
Speaker 1: more things to really fill up your life and make
37:38
Speaker 1: you feel happy and fulfilled, because the flip side of
37:42
Speaker 1: that is always sitting waiting, waiting, waiting, and then looking
37:46
Speaker 1: back and feeling like you got left behind in life.
37:49
Speaker 1: So your number one priority, even when it comes to relationships,
37:53
Speaker 1: is to strengthen your relationship with yourself. When that happens,
37:57
Speaker 1: you either become a happier person because your folk is
38:00
Speaker 1: on controlling yourself and doing things that make you feel good,
38:04
Speaker 1: and you're in the best position to bring someone into
38:07
Speaker 1: your life that you actually align with. You don't want
38:10
Speaker 1: to ideally, you don't want to meet someone when you
38:12
Speaker 1: are in the dregs of how you feel about yourself,
38:15
Speaker 1: in the lowest of your low points, and then you
38:18
Speaker 1: are more susceptible to meeting someone who's not right for you,
38:21
Speaker 1: because hopefully you meet someone who's beautiful and it helps
38:24
Speaker 1: pull you out of that and then you're happy that's
38:26
Speaker 1: the dream, right, But if that doesn't happen, you're more
38:28
Speaker 1: susceptible to someone who's going to take advantage of you
38:30
Speaker 1: and be really toxic and unhealthy. Okay, Now I was
38:34
Speaker 1: going to get into number five, six and seven, but
38:35
Speaker 1: I've realized that this episode has gone for much longer
38:38
Speaker 1: than I wanted it to go for. So I'm going
38:40
Speaker 1: to do a part two of this episode where I
38:43
Speaker 1: cover topics five, six and seven and this is all
38:45
Speaker 1: about body image, health, energy, identity, self relationship, and new
38:50
Speaker 1: rhythms of life as well. Now, I also have a
38:53
Speaker 1: whole bunch of prompts that I'm going to give you
38:56
Speaker 1: that you can either talk about or journal or just
38:58
Speaker 1: mull over in your own head in part two of
39:01
Speaker 1: this episode. So it's going to be prompts to really
39:04
Speaker 1: help you get into the right headspace entering your thirties. Okay,
39:07
Speaker 1: but this is all for today's episode. There is so
39:10
Speaker 1: much that I've spoken about and so much more that
39:12
Speaker 1: I want to cover. And also, if you're not already
39:15
Speaker 1: following me on socials, I'm going to be answering a
39:16
Speaker 1: lot of those individual questions as well on my socials
39:20
Speaker 1: do you Fucking mind on Instagram or Alexis Fernandez preksa
39:26
Speaker 1: as well on my personal Instagram. Anyway, that is all
39:28
Speaker 1: for today. I've rambled for so long. Anyway, I love
39:30
Speaker 1: you guys so much. As always, remember, be kind to yourself,
39:33
Speaker 1: be kind to your brain, don't text it from anyone,
39:35
Speaker 1: and especially don't text it from yourself. Dun'ka