Latest / Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design / 117 | What If Your Partner Handles All the Money? Reclaiming Your Voice in Money Management Peacefully

Transcript

117 | What If Your Partner Handles All the Money? Reclaiming Your Voice in Money Management Peacefully · Your Money, Your Rules | Financial Mastery, Wealth Mindset, Leadership Principles, Intuitive Decision-Making, Human Design

• 0:00
  Erin Gray: Have you found yourself in a relationship with your partner where they handle all of the finances and you're not even sure where to start in order to get involved?
• 0:09
  Erin Gray: Maybe they're not trying to control you, but you still feel like that you aren't in control.
• 0:15
  Erin Gray: In today's episode, I'm diving into what happens when you're the one who's actually not managing the money in your financial life at home, and how to actually reclaim your voice, your power and your presence in your financial life.
• 0:28
  Erin Gray: Do you want to create a system to stop avoiding your money?
• 0:31
  Erin Gray: Maybe you're feeling guilt and shame when it comes to your finances.
• 0:35
  Erin Gray: Welcome to your Money, your Rules.
• 0:39
  Erin Gray: I'm Erin, a former certified financial planner and CFO, and yet I used to avoid my money and had fear, no matter how much we had.
• 0:47
  Erin Gray: I can't wait to teach you how I overcame my money avoidance and started consistently managing my finances in a really simple way.
• 0:55
  Erin Gray: It's time to get comfortable with money.
• 0:57
  Erin Gray: If this conversation already feels uncomfortable or it's activating for you, I want you to know you're not the only one.
• 1:05
  Erin Gray: I've coached so many women that were the CEOs in their business, but they didn't actually feel like that in their house, and this is one of the ways that I do help my clients to take this work deeper in our one-on-one sessions, healing the fear, the shame, the shutdown that keeps us small in our money stories and in our financial life and our relationships.
• 1:30
  Erin Gray: You don't have to continue to ask for money or feel bad that you want to spend your money on yourself and your partner disagrees with you.
• 1:38
  Erin Gray: If you are ready to step into more empowerment, more safety with your money, you can schedule a session by heading over to my website, generatealifewelllivedcom, or you can go to the link in the show notes and just click the link there and schedule a session.
• 1:55
  Erin Gray: I would love to support you and empower you to fully come alive and own your worth.
• 2:01
  Erin Gray: Okay, so on Monday I talked about if you are feeling like the financial parent in your relationship and I thought that it would be really good to have an episode, because I have had clients in both realms right Ones who have felt like that they are the financial parent and ones who have felt completely disempowered in their relationship when it comes to money.
• 2:20
  Erin Gray: So wherever you are along, those in that or in that spectrum, it's totally fine.
• 2:26
  Erin Gray: We've been there, we are there, it's not a problem I'm going to talk about why are we here, how did we get here, and then what to do moving forward.
• 2:35
  Erin Gray: So if you are currently feeling disempowered with money in your relationship, your partner maybe handles the money, maybe they pay the bills, maybe they manage the investment accounts, they decide on most of the spending and they handle, like, the long-term planning.
• 2:52
  Erin Gray: They're talking to the CPA or the advisors, attorneys, things of that sort.
• 2:57
  Erin Gray: In the beginning it might have felt really helpful and like you were, in a way, maybe taken care of.
• 3:04
  Erin Gray: Right.
• 3:04
  Erin Gray: It was one less thing that you actually had to do and so maybe you were able to focus on the kids or more of your business.
• 3:11
  Erin Gray: And then, over time, what has happened is it has started to feel like you are maybe out of the loop or you are starting to feel anxious about asking questions around the money or even asking for what you want.
• 3:25
  Erin Gray: That's typically where my clients the ones that I've helped with this, where they have seen it's like almost asking permission to dad or to you know when you're, when you're wanting something that isn't for your family, right, like for your family, it feels like it's for the kids, whatever, it's for our family vacation, but when you want it just for yourself, that's when they have noticed.
• 3:45
  Erin Gray: Ooh, this feels a little bit out of integrity, and and so maybe you are, you know, nervous around your lack of knowledge or the access that you have, or maybe you don't even have.
• 3:57
  Erin Gray: Maybe you don't even know where your passwords are, what accounts you have, where they held, who is your advisor, like all of these things.
• 4:06
  Erin Gray: It's not a problem.
• 4:07
  Erin Gray: If this is you, it's not a problem.
• 4:09
  Erin Gray: The awareness here is okay.
• 4:13
  Erin Gray: Is this me, and do I want to make a change with it?
• 4:16
  Erin Gray: So I find that this most often comes from some of these deep seated beliefs that we have.
• 4:22
  Erin Gray: You know, we may or may not even be aware of them when we started to give our power away to our spouse.
• 4:29
  Erin Gray: You know beliefs like maybe money is difficult to understand, or I'm not good with money, or I'm not good with math, like that's one that I hear often, or somebody else is going to take care of that.
• 4:42
  Erin Gray: Like my husband takes care of that, or you know, men are better with money, like whatever the belief or beliefs that you have picked up along the way, that have created your current experience.
• 4:55
  Erin Gray: First and foremost, just recognize what they are.
• 4:58
  Erin Gray: So let's talk about why this actually happens, which is always going back to our beliefs.
• 5:04
  Erin Gray: So if every I mean every episode I'm always going to come back to, where are we in our belief systems and our identity and how is that creating our current experience?
• 5:16
  Erin Gray: So when you aren't the one who's managing your money, we take on those belief systems, like I mentioned above.
• 5:23
  Erin Gray: You know, maybe I'm just not good at it, or they're better at numbers than I am, or it's just easier to let them do it and I don't have to do it, and so that all comes back from conditioning.
• 5:33
  Erin Gray: Maybe it was around what you saw in your parents.
• 5:36
  Erin Gray: Maybe they thought about money and you don't want to fight about money, so you just let somebody else take care of it.
• 5:42
  Erin Gray: Maybe they never talked about money, so you had nothing to take an example from.
• 5:49
  Erin Gray: So he said he would do it, and so you just let him do it.
• 5:54
  Erin Gray: It's not a problem that our spouse manages the money.
• 5:57
  Erin Gray: It's also not a problem that we are the spouse that manages the money.
• 6:00
  Erin Gray: The issue is is how we feel in our body.
• 6:04
  Erin Gray: If we feel like we are feeling disempowered and we want to be more involved and then we feel like we can't, for some reason, some belief that we have.
• 6:13
  Erin Gray: That is what I'm talking about here.
• 6:16
  Erin Gray: So if you are someone who is noticing your body, you know what I'm feeling a little bit anxious when I come to my spouse to talk about money.
• 6:24
  Erin Gray: That is what I want to help you with in today's episode.
• 6:27
  Erin Gray: So maybe you were yelled at every time that you asked for something and you were taught not to ask or not to ask questions or not be and I'm air quoting too much, you know.
• 6:40
  Erin Gray: So you stopped asking for what you wanted to keep the peace and to not make waves.
• 6:48
  Erin Gray: And I want to pause here and I want to say you could be, have this belief and you could show up on both sides.
• 6:55
  Erin Gray: Right, like I recognize this in myself, I didn't want to make waves in my family.
• 7:00
  Erin Gray: So there are things in my relationship that I have not asked for because I haven't wanted to make waves.
• 7:05
  Erin Gray: That is where I have felt disempowered, even when I managed the money.
• 7:10
  Erin Gray: So just recognize that just because you have a belief, it doesn't mean that it just goes to one way or the other.
• 7:17
  Erin Gray: Right, it shows up in all threads.
• 7:19
  Erin Gray: You could be managing the money.
• 7:21
  Erin Gray: You could not be managing the money.
• 7:23
  Erin Gray: So if your parents fought about money like mine, did anything that you could do to create peace instead of turbulence.
• 7:31
  Erin Gray: You were all over.
• 7:33
  Erin Gray: And so notice where you haven't asked for what you wanted, because you were trying to create peace and keep peace.
• 7:41
  Erin Gray: So if your partner handles finances, because they were brought up in similar situations about, like you know, fighting and conflict and things of that sort, and they decided from a place like you know what, I'm going to never be out of control with money and I am going to be in charge of my financial life.
• 8:01
  Erin Gray: That might be why they are managing it.
• 8:04
  Erin Gray: And so just recognize we could have the exact same experience growing up.
• 8:10
  Erin Gray: And then what belief did we take from?
• 8:12
  Erin Gray: That experience creates where we are right now.
• 8:15
  Erin Gray: So we've all developed actions based on our identities and our belief systems.
• 8:20
  Erin Gray: So you too may like to, as in both of you may have had the exact experience growing up, and one of you took the stance of I don't want to rock the boat, and the other took the stance of I am never going to have anyone tell me what I can and can't do with my money.
• 8:36
  Erin Gray: And so because of this, these belief systems, it it becomes this loop, and so you stay out.
• 8:43
  Erin Gray: They stay in control and then both of you feel pressure, but just in different ways.
• 8:49
  Erin Gray: So how do you step back into your financial power?
• 8:52
  Erin Gray: You know it starts with taking ownership.
• 8:55
  Erin Gray: It starts with, first and foremost, recognizing where did you give your power away?
• 9:00
  Erin Gray: And it starts with compassion.
• 9:01
  Erin Gray: You know you haven't been irresponsible.
• 9:04
  Erin Gray: You don't need to go down the shame and blame route.
• 9:07
  Erin Gray: You know, and neither is your partner Like, nobody is to blame for this.
• 9:11
  Erin Gray: You've been acting from the premise of surviving and doing what you knew how to do, because your nervous system taught you that these were the actions necessary to keep you safe.
• 9:22
  Erin Gray: And now that you're, like, more aware, you're more informed, you're more empowered, you are ready for more financial responsibility in your relationship.
• 9:32
  Erin Gray: So you can start with the journaling and asking yourself what beliefs got me here, what?
• 9:39
  Erin Gray: What do I think and feel when I want to go and buy something?
• 9:44
  Erin Gray: What do I think and feel when I think about going and talking to him, about me being more part of our money?
• 9:54
  Erin Gray: What did I believe about money and relationships that have me giving my power away to my spouse when it comes to money?
• 10:03
  Erin Gray: And, like I said, this isn't a place for shame and guilt.
• 10:08
  Erin Gray: This is a place for love.
• 10:09
  Erin Gray: This is a place for compassion and curiosity.
• 10:13
  Erin Gray: You know we cannot change what we are not aware of.
• 10:16
  Erin Gray: So once you know what are some of those beliefs, then the effort, the, the growth is to change them.
• 10:26
  Erin Gray: Right, you get to decide how do you want to be with your money and in your relationship?
• 10:32
  Erin Gray: So think about as an empowered woman with her money, what would that actually look like?
• 10:37
  Erin Gray: Where do I actually want to be involved?
• 10:41
  Erin Gray: Where do I not want to be involved?
• 10:43
  Erin Gray: What part of the planning and the execution do I want to be a part of and what part do I not?
• 10:49
  Erin Gray: You know, do I want to change that?
• 10:51
  Erin Gray: We are currently doing our finances altogether?
• 10:54
  Erin Gray: Do I want to be the one that now does that?
• 10:56
  Erin Gray: Like?
• 10:56
  Erin Gray: I've had people completely flip from.
• 10:58
  Erin Gray: One person was doing it and they're so relieved that the other person finally took you know it.
• 11:02
  Erin Gray: It gets to look whatever way you want it to look, but what I would ask?
• 11:08
  Erin Gray: What feels good, what would I love to have happen?
• 11:13
  Erin Gray: So once you know what your beliefs are, once you've sat down and you've actually thought about what do I want to feel, what do I want my relationship to look like.
• 11:24
  Erin Gray: And when I say my relationship, yes, it is your partnership, but what I really mean is you and your relationship with money and yourself and your feelings around your partner.
• 11:32
  Erin Gray: You know one of the things you know I had a client, and every time that she would go to her spouse, she had the belief that he would say no.
• 11:41
  Erin Gray: And I said why are you choosing to believe that he would say no?
• 11:43
  Erin Gray: Why wouldn't you believe that he loves to support you and loves investing in you?
• 11:48
  Erin Gray: And when she changed that belief, the way that he met her was exactly, you know, the opposite of what he had been.
• 11:57
  Erin Gray: It's because she changed that vibrationally within herself first.
• 12:00
  Erin Gray: He was open to her ideas and investments because she was the one that changed first.
• 12:07
  Erin Gray: So we think we have to change our partners, but that's not the case.
• 12:10
  Erin Gray: We actually have to change us.
• 12:11
  Erin Gray: We have to change the way that we are vibrating, the way that we are thinking and feeling about our money and our relationship and how empowered we feel.
• 12:22
  Erin Gray: So now that you have decided, okay, how do I want to be?
• 12:27
  Erin Gray: How do I?
• 12:28
  Erin Gray: What is the new identity of an empowered woman with my money?
• 12:31
  Erin Gray: Then, how do you want to engage with your spouse.
• 12:34
  Erin Gray: The same thing.
• 12:36
  Erin Gray: Like I mentioned the last episode, if you were wanting to have your spouse be more involved, it's the same thing here.
• 12:42
  Erin Gray: Come to them and say I would love to start taking a more active role in our finances.
• 12:47
  Erin Gray: Can we set aside a time to talk about what I've come up with?
• 12:50
  Erin Gray: And then, once you set aside time, okay, then make it about a partnership.
• 12:57
  Erin Gray: Talk to them from a place of love, from curiosity, from empowered.
• 13:01
  Erin Gray: You know what does a partnership look like when you look at money together.
• 13:05
  Erin Gray: You talk about it.
• 13:06
  Erin Gray: It feels easy, it feels calm, it feels empowered.
• 13:11
  Erin Gray: You know, more often than not, the partner that does the money would love some help.
• 13:18
  Erin Gray: I've talked to many of partners that have been the ones that have been doing the money.
• 13:22
  Erin Gray: They would love to, they would love for their partner to be involved.
• 13:26
  Erin Gray: You know we all have these stories.
• 13:32
  Erin Gray: We all have the beliefs that are creating our current experience and having us manage or not manage our money.
• 13:35
  Erin Gray: And when we can look at our partners from the lens of compassion and from understanding, the outcome is so vastly different.
• 13:45
  Erin Gray: You know, so often when I work with women that haven't been taking an active role in their finances and then, when they actually decide to be more active, their entire relationship improves, not just their finances, because they have become more of who they already are, because they have become more empowered, because they speak up.
• 14:05
  Erin Gray: You know their spouses feel like that.
• 14:09
  Erin Gray: They have a partner to be on this journey with them.
• 14:12
  Erin Gray: The women are involved with the money, you know.
• 14:16
  Erin Gray: They know what's going on with their money, and it's one more thing that I think is so beautiful is that they get to connect with their partner.
• 14:23
  Erin Gray: It's another area in our relationship that we get to connect together.
• 14:27
  Erin Gray: You know, if that's something that you're yearning for, I want you to know that it's 100% possible for you.
• 14:34
  Erin Gray: You know you are worthy of knowing and being involved with your financial life in your in your own house, not just in your business.
• 14:43
  Erin Gray: You know many women are the CEO CFOs in their business and that's not necessarily true of how they are in their house and you get to be both.
• 14:52
  Erin Gray: And if you are ready to feel more empowered and more free with your money, I invite you to schedule a one-on-one session with me.
• 14:58
  Erin Gray: You can head over to my website, you can click the link in the show notes and schedule a time that works for you, for us, to look at how you're feeling with your money.
• 15:08
  Erin Gray: We'll talk about the strategy.
• 15:10
  Erin Gray: We'll get into that, we'll get a game plan together, but that's going to come after what you are actually thinking and feeling and and moving through some of that first.
• 15:19
  Erin Gray: You know we can develop all of this strategy but if you don't change the beliefs, if you don't change the identity of the person, you're going to return back to that same person.
• 15:28
  Erin Gray: We have to, we have to work through some of the, the emotional side of money, the, the nervous system regulation, and it's not like, okay, we have to work through all of that before we do strategy.
• 15:38
  Erin Gray: No, that's not what I'm saying.
• 15:39
  Erin Gray: I'm just saying that the strategy is the bandaid.
• 15:43
  Erin Gray: You know, the cure is the emotional regulation, the identity shift, that piece.
• 15:49
  Erin Gray: You don't have to become, you know, the CEO, the family CEO, overnight and heck, you may not even want to become the family CEO or CFO.
• 15:57
  Erin Gray: That's fine.
• 15:58
  Erin Gray: But once you have decided how you want your relationship with money to be with you and your spouse, just choose one area, like knowing what are your monthly, what's your monthly output, what's your monthly spend every month and and where does it go.
• 16:14
  Erin Gray: You know, looking at shared accounts like what is it that you want to start looking at and taking ownership of?
• 16:20
  Erin Gray: Allow yourself to be curious and to learn.
• 16:22
  Erin Gray: You know, I think it's such a beautiful thing that you get to use this as another way to connect with your spouse, another thing you get to grow together with, versus pinning each other against each other.
• 16:33
  Erin Gray: You know, you know, if you've been at this, if, if you've kind of taken this backseat role for years, it might take some time to get up to where you want to go.
• 16:42
  Erin Gray: To speed, it might, it might not.
• 16:44
  Erin Gray: It's fine.
• 16:45
  Erin Gray: Either way, you know, allow yourself you know your nervous system, your partner, the space and the freedom to move at the pace that feels good for each of you.
• 16:55
  Erin Gray: And if anything that I have said in this episode have had you feeling a little tense in your body or anxious, I want you to know that that is your sign to lean in, to pay attention to that.
• 17:09
  Erin Gray: And if you want support navigating your newfound relationship with money and with your partner, I would love to support you.
• 17:17
  Erin Gray: During our sessions, we go deep, we look at these patterns, these belief systems that are keeping you from what you want, and then develop a plan to create the kind of relationship with money in your spouse that you deserve.
• 17:32
  Erin Gray: I invite you to schedule a session with me.
• 17:35
  Erin Gray: You can click the link in the show notes to schedule a session, or you can head over to my website, generatealifewelllivedcom and schedule a session.
• 17:44
  Erin Gray: I would be honored to walk alongside you, and I want you to know that if this episode resonated with you and you feel like that, another woman in your life that you love and care about would resonate with this episode as well, I would love it if you would share this episode with her.
• 17:59
  Erin Gray: Okay, I'll see you next time.