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How To Balance Different Attachment Needs · Trauma Free Relationship

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I had sended a 50th wedding anniversary last weekend and it
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was really a lovely affair. Very formal, not in terms of
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taxes but certainly a wore suit and a tie.
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And this beautiful couple were celebrating 50 years together.
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And when I asked the couple their secret to staying married
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that long, they replied, oh, we ignore one another.
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And I often get these kinds of joking answers when I ask this
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question. A couple, 'cause I'm always
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curious how they perceive their relationship.
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What is it they think that has made a difference in them being
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able to stay together, stay married that long?
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But as with most funny quips, they usually give back.
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Eventually the laughter subsides, and when I drill down
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a little bit deeper, I I then begin to uncover more serious
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answers. So I usually get answers like,
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well, we worked at it, or we compromised, or we gave each
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other room to grow and we gave each other grace for mistakes
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and forgiveness for hurts and so on and so forth.
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And I'm always so curious because those are good answers.
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I like those We worked at it, we compromised.
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But I'm always curious to know, and to me it beckons further
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questions. Worked at what?
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Compromised on what gave each other space to grow and forgive?
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What? What?
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What was going? What's the substance that you're
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working at? And this question for me leads
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into our topic today. How do we balance different
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attachment needs in our relationship?
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I can tell you that this is the bulk of the work that I do, and
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in my opinion, it is by far the bulk of the work of what couples
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do in their relationship. So when they're saying we worked
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at it, to me what they're often saying is, well, we had to
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figure out how to meet each other's attachment needs when we
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couldn't always show up for each other.
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But we're in need of that when there was too much of the other
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person and we needed space or too little of the other person
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and we needed that connection. And that balance of those
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different relational needs is much of what they worked at.
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So that's what we're going to talk about today, how to balance
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different attachment needs. Let's get started.
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Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
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connection between you and your partner.
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And here's your host, Tom Phillips.
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OK, So what we're talking about here to me is the number one
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issues couples have that they most often bring into therapy.
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If past trauma has formed an insecure attachment style in one
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or both partners, meaning they tend to organize their
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relational needs around anxious or avoidant or disorganized
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attachment style, and their partner is organized differently
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as we often see, then this sets up an automatic push and pull
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style of relating to one another, or what we would call a
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pursue withdrawal. It also goes by some other
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names, Demand and and defend, Criticize and blame and and
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protect. So there's different types of
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cycles, but this cycle that one person is seeking more closeness
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and the other partner is needing more space or feeling
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overwhelmed by that automatically sets up this, this
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negative feedback loop for both partners in what they're
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hearing. So how do you This is the
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question we're asking ourselves today.
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How do we figure out in a relationship how to have any
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kind of balance? How to have any kind of of
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meeting in the middle, if you will, for our different
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attachment needs? And and I'll save you the
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suspense. Now, the Long story short is
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this is not an easy fix to me. When couples have been married a
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long time, it's because somehow they've been able to emotionally
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negotiate when they need each other and show up for each other
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in those moments and when they also need room to express their
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individuality, room to grow and try on different different
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personas and and get involved in different things and live out
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their own authentic way of being in the world.
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So that balance I think is, is very tricky and it's not
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uncommon. We see this a ton in
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relationships where couples are trying to work out the level of
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closeness and connection versus the level of distance between
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the two. So as I said, this is not an
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easy fix. In my opinion, it is the bulk of
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the work that couples do, not only in therapy with me, but
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also in the work in their own relationships themselves.
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So I want to just walk through today some of the things that I
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think are needed in order to create this balance between
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different attachment needs. So balancing different
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attachment needs is obviously complex but can be extremely
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rewarding at the same time. When we feel connected, when we
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feel safe and secure in that relationship, when we're not
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threatened by too much closeness or by too much distance, then it
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it changes who we are. We can go out into the world and
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this is the whole point of a secure base.
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Bulbies notion of a secure base is we can then turn and go out
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into the world and be more productive and and and go out
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and be able to throw ourselves into our work, into our
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community activities to be able to focus on raising kids because
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we have this absolutely secure base that we come back home to.
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So the first thing I think that's really important in being
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able to understand or balance your attachment needs is the
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first thing you need to do is know your attachment needs.
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And I'm not always talking about specific attachments disorders
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here because I think there's a difference between a disorder
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and an attachment style. A style to me means that you can
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be securely attached but still tend to lean towards in in terms
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of your coping, in terms of how you handle conflict and and
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difference and distance in your relationship.
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You might lean towards avoid it, but you could still be secure in
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that, meaning that in the moment you might shut down, but you're
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more quick to come back and make repairs.
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It might not last nearly as long for you to be in that protective
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space and to lean on that coping style, and it might not be as
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habitual in other areas. You might end up being more
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anxious, for example, around the sexual cycle.
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So there's more flexibility when we're talking about attachment
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styles than there is if we're talking about a, a strict
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attachment quote UN quote disorder.
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Now to be sure we know about 1/3 of the population tends to have
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some kind of a more rigid attachment style.
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So we know those are certainly out there.
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And and the way I conceptualize that is that people tend to more
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habitually lean on that particular style of coping when
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they feel pressure from their partner.
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So if if my style is avoidant, then that's my go to move over
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and over and over and I don't have the same flexibility and
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being able to move myself out of that and come back and make
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relationship repairs. I don't have the same kind of
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flexibility to be able to adapt to the circumstances in the
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situation or to put myself into a vulnerable place where I can
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bring my attachment needs to the to my partner as well.
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And so that to me is just some of the significant difference
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because knowing your attachment style is really important.
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Do you tend to lean towards a more avoidant style?
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Do you tend to shut down when there's conflict?
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Do you tend to withdraw when you're feeling pressure from
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your partner or demands or or needs that you feel like you
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can't quite meet from your partner?
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Do you tend to be more anxious in your style?
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Do you tend to run more anxious in your body and need more of
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that connection? Do you tend to interpret your
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partner's actions in ways that would reinforce that anxiety?
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Oh, he looked away when I said this, so it must be he doesn't
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want to be with me. Or same thing with avoiding Do
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you tend to interpret your partner's actions more as a
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source of rejection? Oh, she didn't.
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She didn't come on time for our lunch date.
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It must mean that I'm not important to her.
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It must mean that she really doesn't like me, or I've done
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something wrong again and she's punishing me, so on and so
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forth. So we tend to lean on these
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particular styles. But it's very important to know
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that kind of style. It's very important to have an
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understanding of what is it that I need and long for in the
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relationship and how do I try to seek that.
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And if I don't get that, then how do I cope with not having
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that in my relationship? Because the attachment style is
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what happens and what shows up when we're not getting our
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attachment needs met. When both partners feel
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connected, when they feel safe and secure in the relationship,
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these different styles don't show up.
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But it's only when they feel a threat to themselves or to the
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relationship that then these different styles come to the
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surface. So the number one thing I would
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say is really do a deep dive and understand your attachment
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styles and there's all kinds of books.
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I'm not going to recommend any particular one, not because
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there's some I think that are better than others, but because
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there's lots of different books out there and and over the years
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of talking to folks sometimes they they glean more information
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and they think it's it's more palatable and and easier to read
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and hits them better one book versus another.
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So I'll just say look if you do an Amazon search there's all
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kinds of books out there to be able to talk about at A at a
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very basic level what attachment is and what it really means.
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So the first thing is to understand your attachment
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style. Then the second thing in terms
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of being able to balance our different attachment needs is
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what I would call emotion or self regulation.
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When there is ruptures in a relationship and there's always
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going to be ruptures in a relationship even for couples
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that are securely attached. Even for couples that that that
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struggle sometimes but get along and and feel safe and secure
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just because we have you know we're two different people so
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when we come together naturally we're going to those different
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experiences are going to clash at times.
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So there's always going to be ruptures and the question
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becomes, can I self regulate, can I regulate my emotions
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during that time of a rupture so that I am able to not make
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things worse and escalate things but to play my part in that
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rupture to de escalate things. And so I think learning healthy
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ways to cope. As I was saying earlier, if you
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tend to be avoidant, can you can you work on getting yourself out
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of that shutting down place? Can you work on lingering in
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those those soft vulnerable places long enough to be able to
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take those to your partner? Can you hold that hurt?
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And instead of withdrawing and moving away from it, can you
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hold it a little bit longer and stay emotionally engaged with
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your partner in in that conversation?
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So as I've said before, how do we manage the anxiety, the
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anger, the sadness that might come up for us?
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And instead of immediately going to our action tendency, which is
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to either criticize and blame and project it onto our partner
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or to withdraw and shut down or disassociate or remove ourselves
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from those emotions, how can we sustain those and linger in
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those emotions long enough to regulate them, to then be able
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to stay engaged in that conversation?
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So I've talked a lot on this podcast about things like
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meditation, journaling, mindfulness, yoga.
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These things are all really helpful in order for us to be
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more connected to our body, which is our our first responder
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of of her emotions. Our body is our first responder
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for for those moments when our trauma and past trauma has been
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triggered. We feel it first and foremost in
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our body and the more we're connected to that, the more we
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can pick up and clue into what's happening to us.
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And so being able to practice yoga, Tai Chi, meditation, any
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of these things really helps us to be able to over time,
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regulate our emotions better. Because I think it is paramount
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for us to be able to do that in order for us to stay in contact,
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engaged and be able to be more available to our partner during
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those ruptures that happen. So one, understanding your
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attachment style 2 practicing emotional self regulation is
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really important for us to be able to balance those different
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attachment needs. So the third thing I would say
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is how do we foster secure attachment behaviors?
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How do we prioritize quality time together, engage in
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physical touch as well as sexual touch?
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How do we offer emotional support?
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How do we pick up the cues that our partner is sending when they
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need us the most? When they need us to be there,
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When they need us to get it to empathize, to understand, to
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have compassion for what they're going through in those moments?
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Because one of the biggest secure fostering attachment
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behaviours is the ability to be able to be available, responsive
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and engaged and in tune essentially with our partners
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emotional life. So I think about it a little bit
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like this, fostering secure attachment behaviors.
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I have a tree in my front yard that I planted about 10 years
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ago and I used to have two clusters of trees, but they both
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got wiped out by big storms that had happened.
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So my father-in-law and I went out and we purchased this
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beautiful Burr oak. It was about six or seven feet
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high at the time we purchased it.
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And so over the last 10 years I've really taken a lot of joy
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and being able to watch this tree grow.
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But about two years ago a storm came through and it chopped off
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the very top branches of the tree.
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So if if you can imagine it's a little bit like a Christmas
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tree, but you didn't have the top portion on.
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So it doesn't come to a point as it as it comes up, it just sort
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of ends and there's this plateau, there's this flat place
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in the tree. And this really drove me nuts
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for a long time. And I didn't know if the tree
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was going to survive this, if it was going to go grow back, if it
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was going to be misshapen in any way.
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But what happened over time, and this is absolutely remarkable. 2
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branches from 2 separate limbs started growing up towards the
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top of the tree, and as they were growing towards the
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sunlight, they actually became intertwined within themselves.
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And so over the years, these two separate branches from 2
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separate limbs have actually intertwined around themselves to
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create the top of the tree, which now looks like a beautiful
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tree. And it goes to a point like you
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would expect a tree to do and and and actually has created a
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stronger limb than one limb would be.
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So I think about this a little bit like fostering secure
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attachment behaviors. When two people come together
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and they can intertwine themselves together, they
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actually can create a stronger oneness, if you will, then they
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are when they're two separate branches.
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So fostering secure attachment behaviors means that we're
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twining ourselves around each other, growing towards the
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sunlight to get that nurturance, that emotional nurturance we
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need from each other in order to continue our growth as human
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beings. And in doing so, we actually
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create a stronger unity together than we do if we were alone.
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So the last thing I want to say is how do we balance different
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attachment needs, is to be able to respect each other's
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individual needs, to be able to recognize the needs for
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closeness and independence, and that they may differ from your
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partner. We need to be able to embrace
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individual differences and to be able to Createspace for both
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connectedness and individual pursuits.
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So just like those two separate branches, it started out growing
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towards the sunlight that they needed for their own growth.
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Eventually knew the wisdom somehow in coming together and
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and and looping around each other, and in doing so created a
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stronger top of the tree and stronger branches than they
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would individually by themselves.
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So I think being able to balance these individual differences
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means we have to be secure enough in ourselves and be able
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to self soothe. So when our partner can't or is
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unable to show up for us, we can have some kind of understanding
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around that because we're able to self soothe ourselves, we
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have some kind of grace we can give them.
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Now, I'm not talking about absolutely crucial moments when
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we are traumatized and need our partners show up because that
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can actually create an attachment injury.
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So that to me is different. But I'm talking about the
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smaller moments of life. I'm talking about when my
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partner comes to me and I'm in the middle of something and I
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asked them to wait just a minute, those little small
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moments sometimes of understanding, oh, OK, I'll come
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back or hey, come find me when you when you got a free moment.
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Little moments like that can go a long way in a relationship
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when we have that kind of understanding as opposed to
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demanding. No, you need to pay attention to
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me right now. And so those small moments can
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create a sense of security and safety within the relationship
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when we're able to respect the individual differences we need
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over time. So being able to balance
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different attachment needs is what I think the actual work of
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what couples are doing in the relationship over time.
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They're figuring out this dynamic of when do they need to
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be there. For their partner and show up
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and be emotionally available and in tune.
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And when do they need to balance that time for individuality and
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respect that sense of individuality so that on a small
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scale, if our partner is not emotionally available to us, we
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have the ability to self soothe and be able to stay connected
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long enough until maybe our partner is able to provide that
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and show up for us in that way. I hope you found this
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interesting and helpful today. It's something that I'm again
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noticing with my couples all the time.
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What is it they're working on? What is it they need?
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I'm trying to filter that information to you all so that
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you can get a lot of value out of this podcast and hopefully be
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able to take this information and apply it to your
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relationships. As always, if you need
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additional help, don't hesitate to go to our website
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traumafreerelationship.com. You can sign up for a coaching
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call. From there, I'd be happy to talk
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with you, help you guys untagle, maybe a stuck spot you're in, or
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to help you make more sense of what you're listening to.
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But I do appreciate you listening and we'll talk to you
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next time. Thank you for listening to
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Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast for the healing of
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attachment trauma. You can find us on Facebook,
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Instagram, or our website at traumafreerelationship.com.
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