Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / Why Women Apologize for Their Ideas at Work
Transcript
- Lucas: Luna, I want to start with something I noticed in a meeting last week. A woman on the team said, 'This might be a terrible idea, but what if we tried...' and then pitched something that was actually brilliant. And I thought — why did she feel the need to apologize for the idea before anyone had even heard it? Luna: I do that too sometimes. It's almost automatic. 'I'm not sure if this makes sense, but...' And then I watch a male colleague say the same thing five minutes later without any hedge, and everyone nods. Lucas: There's actually a name for it in communication research — they call it the 'idea apology.' It's the verbal tic of prefacing your contribution with a disclaimer that basically says, 'I'm not confident in this, so please don't judge me too harshly.' And it's disproportionately gendered. Luna: How much more common is it for women? Do we have numbers? Lucas: A 2025 study in the Journal of Applied Psychology looked at over 800 brainstorming sessions across four companies. They found that women used qualifying language — phrases like 'I might be wrong,' 'This is just a thought,' 'Probably not the best idea, but' — about 40 percent more often than men. And here's the kicker: when the exact same idea was presented with a hedge versus without, listeners rated the hedged version as significantly less credible and less likely to be implemented. Luna: So women are penalized twice. First, they're socialized to hedge, and then the hedge itself undermines their ideas. That's a brutal double bind. Lucas: Exactly. And it's not just about individual habits. The study also found that women who didn't hedge were rated as less likeable — especially by male evaluators. So if you drop the apology, you risk being seen as aggressive or arrogant. If you keep it, your idea gets devalued. Luna: It reminds me of the likeability penalty we covered in episode 52, but this is more granular. It's about the moment of contribution itself. And I think it's especially acute in brainstorming sessions where ideas are supposed to be raw and unfinished. Lucas: Right. Brainstorming is supposed to be the safe space — 'no bad ideas' — but the data shows it's not safe equally. The study recorded 50 hours of meetings and coded every single idea contribution. Women's ideas were interrupted more often, received fewer follow-up questions, and were less likely to be assigned to someone to pursue. Luna: Wait — even after controlling for the quality of the idea? Because maybe women's ideas were just worse on average? Lucas: They controlled for that. Independent raters evaluated the ideas blind — without knowing the speaker's gender — and found no significant difference in quality. The gap was entirely in how the ideas were received in real time. The hedges drove the perception. Luna: That is so frustrating. And it puts the burden on women to fix their communication style, rather than on listeners to check their bias. But I guess we have to work with the world as it is. Lucas: Yeah. And honestly, if today was worth a coffee to you — if this insight about idea apologies helps you think about your next meeting — that's the link. Buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. It's how we keep this show ad-free and focused on research like this. Luna: And we really appreciate every person who chips in. It makes a difference. Lucas: Alright, back to the research. One of the most practical findings from the study is that awareness alone — just teaching women about the idea apology — reduced its frequency by about 25 percent in a follow-up experiment. So simply recognizing the pattern helps. Luna: I'd like to know more about the specific phrases. What are the most common hedges women use? Lucas: The top three, according to the study: 'This might be a bad idea, but...' was number one. Then 'I'm not sure if this works, but...' and 'Probably not the best, but...' There's also a more subtle one: rising intonation at the end of a statement, turning it into a question. 'So we could try X?' instead of 'Let's try X.' Luna: I've definitely done that. It's like you're asking for permission to have an idea. Lucas: And it signals uncertainty even when you're not uncertain. One of the researchers I spoke with called it 'verbal curtsying' — you're lowering yourself before you speak. Luna: So what's the fix? Besides just being aware, are there techniques women can use in the moment? Lucas: One technique that I found really clever comes from improv comedy. In improv, there's a rule called 'yes, and' — you accept what your partner says and build on it. But there's also a lesser-known rule: never apologize for your offer. If you start a scene by saying 'Sorry, I'm not sure if I'm doing this right,' you've already killed the scene. So improv training teaches you to commit fully to your contribution. Luna: So the advice is: state your idea as a statement, not a question. And if you feel the urge to hedge, pause and take a breath instead. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a second technique: what I call 'drafting.' Instead of apologizing, you say something like 'Let me think out loud for a second' or 'Here's a rough draft of an idea.' That signals it's unfinished without devaluing it. It's a neutral framing. Luna: I like that. It's honest about the idea being early-stage without implying it's bad. And it doesn't trigger the listener's bias the same way 'bad idea' does. Lucas: Right. The study actually tested that. When participants heard 'Here's a rough draft' versus 'This might be a bad idea,' the same idea was rated 30 percent higher in credibility. So the framing matters a lot. Luna: But I want to push back a little. This feels like it's all on women to change. What about managers? What can they do to create a meeting culture where people don't feel the need to hedge in the first place? Lucas: Great question. The study's authors recommend something called 'structured turn-taking.' Instead of open floor brainstorming, go around the room and give each person 60 seconds to present an idea without interruption. That prevents the loudest voices from dominating and gives everyone equal airtime. Luna: And it removes the pressure to jump in, which is when hedges are most common. I've seen that work in practice — it's harder to hedge when you know you have the floor. Lucas: Another recommendation: managers can model non-hedged language themselves. If a leader says 'I have an idea, it's probably incomplete' versus 'I have an idea, let's refine it,' that sets a tone. The study found that when senior women in a meeting used fewer hedges, junior women also decreased their hedging. Luna: Role modeling matters more than policy. And it doesn't require training — just awareness. Lucas: One more thing I want to mention: the idea apology isn't just a meeting behavior. In written communication too — emails, Slack messages, reports. Women are more likely to use disclaimers like 'Just a thought' or 'Correct me if I'm wrong.' A separate analysis from 2024 found that women's written proposals were 50 percent more likely to include such phrases. Luna: And I bet that affects how the proposal is received. If you send a written proposal that starts with 'I might be off base, but...' you're already giving the reader permission to dismiss it. Lucas: Exactly. And the fix is similar: before you hit send, scan for hedges. Replace 'I think maybe we could consider' with 'I recommend we try.' It's a small edit that changes the tone completely. Luna: Let me ask you this: is there any scenario where hedging is actually beneficial? Like, if you're genuinely uncertain, isn't it honest to say so? Lucas: That's a fair point. The study distinguishes between 'epistemic hedging' — expressing genuine uncertainty when you don't know something — and 'face-saving hedging,' which is apologizing for the idea itself. Epistemic hedging can be helpful and accurate. 'I'm not sure about the exact numbers, but my estimate is...' is fine. 'This is probably a dumb idea, but...' is not. Luna: So the key is to hedge the uncertainty, not the idea. That's a useful distinction. Lucas: Right. And the research suggests that listeners can tell the difference. When you hedge the uncertainty, you actually come across as more credible because you're being precise about what you know and don't know. When you hedge the idea, you just sound insecure. Luna: I'm thinking about how this applies to performance reviews too. If you're a woman and you're asked about your accomplishments, do you tend to hedge then as well? Lucas: That's a whole other episode — and we've touched on it before in our performance review gap episode. But yes, the same pattern shows up. Women are more likely to say 'I contributed to the project' versus 'I led the project,' even when they did lead it. It's the idea apology applied to self-promotion. Luna: So the advice there is the same: state your contribution as a fact, not a question. And if you feel the urge to downplay, catch yourself. Lucas: I think the biggest takeaway from this research is that the idea apology is a habit — and habits can be changed. It's not a fixed personality trait. And the more we talk about it, the more we normalize catching ourselves and each other. Luna: I love that. So my challenge to listeners this week: in your next meeting, notice how you introduce your ideas. If you catch yourself saying 'This might be a bad idea,' stop and rephrase. And if you're a manager, notice who's hedging on your team and create space for them to speak without pre-apologizing. Lucas: And if you want to go deeper, the Journal of Applied Psychology paper is publicly available. The lead author is Dr. Sarah Kim at Stanford. I'll put a link in the show notes on our website. Luna: Thanks for diving into this, Lucas. I know I'm going to be more conscious of my own language going forward. Lucas: Same here. And maybe next meeting, we'll both just say our ideas without the 'sorry.'