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what if i never get better? · feel your feelings with Ethan Jewell

• 0:00
  What if I never get better? What if this is it?
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  What if the ache in my chest, the fog in my mind, it never
• 0:07
  actually leaves? What if I never really heal?
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  If you've whispered any of these questions to yourself in the
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  quiet of your room late at night, then this episode is for
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  you. My name is Ethan Jewell and
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  welcome back to Feel Your Feelings.
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  Today we're diving into something that I don't think
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  we'd talk about enough. You know, it's not healing, it's
• 0:32
  not hope, it's not growth, but it's fear.
• 0:37
  Specifically the fear that you'll never feel OK again.
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  That no matter how hard you try, how many habits you build, how
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  many books you read or therapists you see, you'll,
• 0:46
  you'll always feel a little broken.
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  And it's a difficult but very real part of mental health
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  recovery. I want to remind you that I'm
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  not a doctor. I'm not a psychiatrist, I'm not
• 1:01
  a professional in the mental health industry.
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  I'm just a guy who has been through a lot of these things.
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  I've felt a whole lot of feelings.
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  And I want to start the conversation from a very real
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  human perspective. So today we're going to talk
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  about what that feels like to question if we'll never be
• 1:17
  better. I mean, let's be honest, mental
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  health content, even the good helpful stuff, even this podcast
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  can feel sometimes a little too optimistic.
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  Like just keep going and you'll get better.
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  Or healing isn't linear, but it's always happening.
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  And I say those things too, all the time, and I think that
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  they're true. But what happens when you do
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  keep going and you still feel stuck?
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  What happens when you've tried everything, journaling,
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  meditation, movement, medication, and you still wake
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  up with that same heaviness in your chest?
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  You start to wonder, what if this is just who I am?
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  What if I never get better? What if what worked for these
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  other people will never work for me because I'm just too broken?
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  And that thought is terrifying because it makes you question
• 2:01
  everything, your effort and your progress.
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  You start to believe that maybe you're just destined to feel
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  like this forever. And I've been there.
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  There was a time when I was deeply struggling with
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  depression. I was deeply struggling with
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  anxiety. And I tried so many different
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  things. I, I, I would journal and I
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  would go on walks and I would get outside and it felt like it
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  just wasn't working. I felt like I was just hitting a
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  wall over and over and over again.
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  I thought to myself, man, there's something really wrong
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  with me. And what's working for everyone
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  else just isn't working for me. But here's something that I
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  started thinking about and that I think you should think about
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  too. What if getting better isn't
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  about fixing yourself? And we're so used to thinking of
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  healing our mental health like it's a destination.
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  Like one day we'll wake up and everything will be fine, Our
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  past won't hurt, our anxiety will be gone, and we'll be
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  permanently happy. But what if better isn't a
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  finish line, It's a relationship with yourself?
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  What if healing means learning to live alongside your pain
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  rather than completely defeating it?
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  You don't cure sadness, you don't erase grief, you don't
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  beat anxiety into the ground. You learn to understand those
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  feelings. You learn to tend to them like a
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  garden. And maybe the goal isn't to
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  never feel broken. Maybe the goal is to just be
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  gentle with yourself when you do feel broken.
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  And maybe being better isn't waking up happy every morning.
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  Maybe it's just waking up and getting out of bed, even if your
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  chest is heavy. Maybe it's reaching out to a
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  friend, even if you still feel lonely.
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  Maybe it's crying on the floor. But this time you don't feel
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  ashamed about it. That's progress and that's huge.
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  Sometimes the changes they're, they're so quiet that you don't
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  even notice them, but they're there and you become more aware
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  and you become more compassionate to yourself.
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  You're, you're more honest with yourself.
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  That is better, even if it doesn't feel the way that you
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  thought it would. Because it's OK to be tired.
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  It's OK to wonder if you'll never feel OK again.
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  But I want you to know you don't have to pressure yourself into
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  hope. You can hold space for both.
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  You can think to yourself this hurts.
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  And you can also think to yourself, maybe it won't always
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  hurt like this. Healing doesn't require
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  certainty. It just asks you for one thing.
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  That you stay, that you stay curious about your feelings,
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  that you stay open to the possibility of maybe feeling
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  better one day. That you stay here because even
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  if you don't see it, the fact that you're you're still here,
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  you're listening, you're trying, you're feeling, that means
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  something. I struggled for years asking
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  myself if I'll ever get better, thinking that maybe I won't ever
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  get better. I spent years thinking that
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  there was something so deeply wrong with me because I was
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  trying to fix myself. But I am not meant to be fixed,
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  and you're not meant to be fixed.
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  Mental health recovery is growing and building a better
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  relationship with yourself and with your feelings and learning
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  how to be kind to yourself and compassionate and tend to the
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  garden that is your mental health.
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  Tend to that garden and allow flowers to sometimes grow.
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  They're not always going to, but it's all about opening up that
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  space for yourself, understanding that it's not
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  always about getting better, it's about trying.
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  It's about learning to live with it.
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  So if you've been asking yourself what if I never get
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  better, try answering with this. What if I'm already becoming
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  someone who can carry this pain with softness?
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  What if better is smaller and quieter than I think it is, but
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  still real? You're not broken.
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  You are becoming even when it doesn't feel like it.
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  You don't have to fully heal, you don't have to magically be
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  better, and likely you won't. Instead, focus on building that
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  relationship with yourself and your feelings and remembering
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  you are not something broken that needs to be fixed.
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  You are a person who's learning to navigate the complicated
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  world of mental health issues, and you have more power than you
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  think to heal. That's going to wrap it up for
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  today's episode. Thank you so much for being here
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  and understanding that healing might not look the way that we
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  think it is, and for understanding that it's not
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  about trying to magically get better, it's just about trying.
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  If you need help feeling your feelings, you should check out
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  my music on all platforms under the name of Ethan Jewell.
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  I almost guarantee it'll make you cry.
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  So thank you so much for being here and as always, thank you
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  for feeling your feelings. I'll see you next time.