Latest / Harder Than Life / Why High Achievers Struggle in Relationships w/ Ashlea Hoess

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Why High Achievers Struggle in Relationships w/ Ashlea Hoess · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  What red flag do smart, successful people ignore the longest?
• 0:04
  First off, I'll say this, the prettier the girl, the more the high value man is ignoring the red flags.
• 0:10
  That's number, they just love it.
• 0:11
  I'm like, I don't care about what she looks like.
• 0:14
  This woman is literally trauma on stilts.
• 0:17
  I don't, oh my gosh, this is so bad.
• 0:21
  Women will say the less I do, the more he will want me.
• 0:25
  The more I make him work for me, the more he will want me.
• 0:28
  And it is super, super toxic.
• 0:31
  This conversation makes me want to stay single forever.
• 0:33
  I'm sorry.
• 0:34
  Don't say that.
• 0:35
  I know.
• 0:36
  I like when men have the confidence to approach a woman in person.
• 0:41
  I don't like the dating apps.
• 0:42
  Don't even start and ask them if they're single?
• 0:45
  No.
• 0:46
  They're gonna lie anyway.
• 0:47
  Like if they want to go out with you, they'll lie.
• 0:49
  Don't you think?
• 0:50
  But then that's the first- Red flag, but you have to find that out.
• 0:53
  Oh, good grief.
• 0:54
  What's the number one thing a guy can do to feel worthy?
• 0:58
  My guys love this.
• 1:01
  My guest today is Ashley Hoes.
• 1:03
  She is a relationship and personal growth mentor, and she hosts the podcast, Listen to My Words.
• 1:08
  Today, we get into why people stay when they already know better.
• 1:12
  The difference between somebody who wants your attention and somebody who wants your life and how you rebuild your standards after something takes you apart.
• 1:21
  Ashley, welcome to Harder Than Life.
• 1:24
  Ashley hose.
• 1:27
  I feel like you were meant to do this job, what you're doing now based on your last name.
• 1:33
  What do you say about that?
• 1:35
  If I get one more person that messages me and it's like, is that really your last name?
• 1:40
  Yeah.
• 1:40
  I came up with it.
• 1:41
  Are you crazy?
• 1:42
  So yeah, I think I'm meant to do it because of my sole purpose, but my last name, I definitely blame on my father for cursing me in this lifetime.
• 1:51
  Is that the,
• 1:52
  The millions of people DM you and comment asking you the same question.
• 1:57
  Is that the question?
• 1:58
  Before we get into anything else, I want to know, is that the question?
• 2:00
  Or is there something else that everybody's messaging you?
• 2:03
  They all say, can I ask a question?
• 2:05
  This is how it starts.
• 2:06
  And then I open it because I do watch and look at all of my DMs as much as I can.
• 2:11
  Do I respond to them?
• 2:13
  Not all of them.
• 2:15
  I can't keep up with it.
• 2:16
  And I was having my marketing manager look at it all for me because I couldn't keep up.
• 2:20
  But it's, can I ask a question?
• 2:22
  And then they give me paragraphs that are this long about how they're being mistreated in a relationship or how someone in the relationship is doing something that they can't understand.
• 2:33
  And the main thing is I've been dating this girl for a while and her whole energy has changed and I don't know what's going on.
• 2:40
  That's the main question that I get out of paragraphs that are like this big.
• 2:45
  Okay.
• 2:46
  Immediate follow-up question is what is, what's the change in the, in the woman?
• 2:51
  Like, so the energy change shifted, what's going on?
• 2:56
  Well, they'll usually put in that they've been dating for some time, like six months, 12 months, and then all of a sudden she starts to pull back and they don't know what they've done.
• 3:05
  And they are starting to cut off communication, be more emotionally distant.
• 3:10
  And I can't always say, hey, a girl's cheating on you.
• 3:14
  But I do know that the eye, and this is what I say, the eye of Mordor has shifted.
• 3:18
  And so once you were her priority, that is now shifting to something else.
• 3:23
  If that's someone else, I don't know.
• 3:25
  Something else, probably, you know.
• 3:28
  And so I always say you have to figure out.
• 3:31
  where her attention's going.
• 3:32
  Cause if she's not giving you her attention, she's giving somebody else her attention.
• 3:38
  And most people are not working on themselves.
• 3:40
  They're just like swinging back and forth through people.
• 3:43
  So I'm like the likelihood she's actually taking the time to learn more about herself is very slim.
• 3:48
  So figure it out.
• 3:49
  And then, you know, you know where her energy is going.
• 3:52
  And most of the time they come back and they're like, she's been talking to somebody else.
• 3:56
  You work with a lot of high achieving men and they, like me, would think that they can change something and that they're in control of that woman pulling away and actually going, which is a huge shock to a high achiever's ego.
• 4:12
  What do they do?
• 4:14
  And then what do you tell them?
• 4:16
  What do you advise them to do?
• 4:17
  And then what do they end up doing?
• 4:19
  So I work with multimillionaires.
• 4:21
  That's a lot of people that are part of my coaching program.
• 4:23
  And then I do have one WAFs that I do with just regular people that are just looking for some questions, whatever.
• 4:29
  But the multimillionaires, the very successful, I say like high-end individuals that are working with me, if they're in a relationship, they mostly are focusing on their business and
• 4:43
  And they're not putting energy and effort into their wife or their girlfriend.
• 4:48
  And it's because they become distracted by their business.
• 4:52
  Now they have the woman they did.
• 4:53
  They put all the energy and effort into her and then switched back to business mode.
• 4:59
  And then they think, well, you know, my girl's not happy.
• 5:03
  I don't know what's going on anymore.
• 5:04
  And she's becoming distant.
• 5:05
  I don't know what to do.
• 5:07
  Well, the way a woman would think about that is he sold me a dream of being very wealthy and giving me the attention, being the best man ever, like woman's chef's kiss.
• 5:19
  And then he finally gets me.
• 5:21
  And now there's no attention to be found on his end.
• 5:24
  And what's surprising is a lot of women.
• 5:27
  actually don't so much care about the money.
• 5:30
  Like good women don't so much care about the money.
• 5:33
  They want the time with the man that they've like invested in.
• 5:36
  And so my feedback is always, you have to start learning to balance the two, like this over here and pouring more time into your woman and taking accountability for your actions as well.
• 5:50
  Because women can be super grimy, but if they're pulling away because you're not giving them anything, then it needs to be a discussion and you have to start putting energy and effort into that.
• 6:01
  But sometimes even my very high-end clients...
• 6:06
  don't have self-worth.
• 6:08
  They really don't.
• 6:09
  They just don't.
• 6:10
  They're very good at making money.
• 6:12
  And I say to them all the time, do you think that you could make $3 million this year?
• 6:17
  And they just like laugh at me like, Oh yeah, absolutely.
• 6:19
  I said, great.
• 6:20
  Do you think you could find a relationship where someone values and cares about you?
• 6:23
  And they started going like, uh, I'm like, okay.
• 6:26
  So when you start to doubt yourself, there's a belief system there that doesn't serve you.
• 6:31
  So you can be very good at business,
• 6:33
  And know exactly what you're doing here, but you don't know what you're doing within a relationship.
• 6:37
  So I put focus towards that.
• 6:39
  What I love about you is you are really harsh on the women.
• 6:43
  And when I first was coming up.
• 6:48
  Everything that you say, I believed.
• 6:49
  And then I started healing and I said, maybe I was a little harsh, but now that I've healed and I can see and feel misalignment and unhealedness, I hate to say it, you're right.
• 7:03
  And it scares me because if she's a good woman and she pulls away, before she pulls away, she's going to communicate.
• 7:08
  And that's what I'm seeing is missing in almost every relationship.
• 7:14
  true, authentic communication to understand the other person not be understood.
• 7:20
  Wouldn't it be true that if they're asking or if they're pulling away, then they probably aren't, quote unquote, good and haven't had that conversation and said, hey, I still need you because that's all they have to say.
• 7:33
  I need your time.
• 7:33
  There's not a single guy in the world is going to say, I'm just too busy closing this deal.
• 7:37
  Yes, you're right.
• 7:38
  You're my priority.
• 7:40
  So the question was,
• 7:42
  Is that indicative of a woman that needs more healing?
• 7:48
  I think everybody is doing their best.
• 7:51
  That's what I'm going to say.
• 7:52
  Everyone, everyone in the room is laughing.
• 7:53
  I, everybody is doing their best and women will start their healing journey.
• 8:00
  Right.
• 8:01
  And they might get better in, in certain areas, more emotionally intelligent or
• 8:07
  They become more empathic or they can read a room better, whatever.
• 8:12
  But they might fall short in some areas and communication can be one of them.
• 8:17
  So I don't think.
• 8:19
  that it's that this woman isn't healed or she's not a good woman.
• 8:24
  I think she needs to, especially if this is a pattern, which that's our job in this lifetime is to recognize patterns.
• 8:31
  If there's a pattern of people feeling as if they are not being heard and understood because the whole time she is trying to validate her point, then she needs to work on communicating.
• 8:43
  And that's like through allowing someone to share their
• 8:47
  opinions or whatever's going on to be quiet and then be like, I hear what you're saying, and then express her opinion on it.
• 8:56
  Women aren't putting in the time and the energy to do that anymore.
• 8:59
  I think a lot of times they just move on to the next thing because they think it's going to be easier.
• 9:06
  But if you're not fixing what's within you and your patterns, you're going to
• 9:14
  in each one of the relationships that you're attracting afterwards.
• 9:17
  Wherever you go, you take you with you.
• 9:19
  Do you believe that the reason why they go on to the next one is because social media makes it easy for that?
• 9:26
  And there's so many people in their DMs saying, you're beautiful.
• 9:31
  Have we gotten to a culture that just makes it so easy to move on?
• 9:35
  I think, yeah, because they're just not even becoming vulnerable or intimate in a relationship.
• 9:41
  So everybody's one foot in, one foot out.
• 9:44
  So they think to themselves, well, I'm not really invested here.
• 9:48
  Or if I am, I could be more invested.
• 9:50
  But now's the time to cut it off so I can go find somebody else that will deal with my bullshit.
• 9:55
  And there it is.
• 9:57
  And so they swing around and then all of a sudden, you know, they're 45, 50 years old and they're thinking like, I never found a good man.
• 10:06
  And the truth is, is you are what you attract.
• 10:08
  You attract your wounds.
• 10:09
  You attract the things that you need to learn about yourself.
• 10:12
  So if you're not opening up and becoming receptive to those things, then that's a you problem.
• 10:17
  That's not a partner problem.
• 10:19
  Nobody thinks they're the problem.
• 10:21
  Nobody.
• 10:22
  You talked about patterns.
• 10:23
  So what is the pattern that you see in most people that they never catch in themselves?
• 10:28
  I think they overgive.
• 10:31
  I think that's the pattern is that they're overgiving in relationships.
• 10:34
  Are we talking about men or women or both?
• 10:37
  I'm speaking about men.
• 10:38
  Do you want me to speak about women right now?
• 10:40
  I want both.
• 10:41
  Okay.
• 10:42
  So I'm going to give you my man and then I'll give you my woman.
• 10:44
  So the man over gives.
• 10:46
  I can see that.
• 10:48
  Men feel as if they have to earn love.
• 10:51
  And so they're in relationships or even just dating and they're trying to impress them with money and gifts and attention and texting 24 seven and, you know, doing all of the things.
• 11:03
  And it's just because it's just because they want to earn love because they don't think that they're deserving of it without providing.
• 11:13
  And so that is the man.
• 11:15
  And I think women,
• 11:17
  have that cut off.
• 11:19
  And I'm going to tell you toxic F boy game that's going on right now, which is to play the field.
• 11:27
  That is the pattern that I'm seeing in women.
• 11:29
  I'm going to play the field, knock it attached, and then figure out like how to manipulate situations to work in my favor.
• 11:38
  So we talked about this last night and you said that that used to be you.
• 11:41
  Yeah.
• 11:42
  Oh, yeah.
• 11:43
  What happens if the woman doesn't find the light and start actually looking and seeing that they're the problem?
• 11:50
  What goes on in their psyche?
• 11:52
  Well, I'm going to tell you, I work with some women.
• 11:55
  Oh, you do?
• 11:56
  I do.
• 11:57
  Very small amount.
• 12:00
  10% of my following is women.
• 12:01
  So then you can imagine...
• 12:03
  how small of a percentage I have for like working with them.
• 12:06
  We're the problem.
• 12:07
  Don't you know that?
• 12:09
  Any one of my exes, they will tell you he's unreal.
• 12:12
  Unbelievable.
• 12:14
  I would say what happens in their psyche is they're completely shut off to anything that's outside of them.
• 12:22
  I think they play victim.
• 12:24
  They boo hoo.
• 12:25
  I was this woman.
• 12:26
  They boo hoo about the life that they have.
• 12:29
  They boo hoo about the men that they're choosing and,
• 12:32
  They are choosing.
• 12:33
  They boohoo about the types of relationships that they get into.
• 12:38
  And once again, they are choosing.
• 12:40
  And...
• 12:42
  Then they just either swing around and try to like find somebody that doesn't have these patterns.
• 12:49
  And then they're once again, 60 years old saying, I can't believe my life is like this.
• 12:55
  Like I haven't found a good man and all the men are the exact same.
• 12:58
  And then they can shift at that point when they're like, I'm done with this and start pouring into themselves.
• 13:05
  Or they just become more of a victim.
• 13:08
  They become more reserved because they don't want to express themselves.
• 13:11
  They don't want to be vulnerable.
• 13:13
  And then they become somewhat avoidant in relationships because they're fearful that they're going to get hurt.
• 13:20
  I love your lie, cry, and deny.
• 13:21
  And then I added blame, shame, and reframe.
• 13:25
  That was the best thing that you could have said.
• 13:27
  I was so excited when you said that.
• 13:29
  And you know what that all is, Ashley?
• 13:31
  And you know it, but I'm saying this to the listeners.
• 13:32
  This is nothing more than just lack of accountability.
• 13:35
  And I called it abandonment.
• 13:38
  I want somebody who is accountable and says, yeah, I own that.
• 13:42
  It's getting hard and I'm going to stay.
• 13:45
  And when you have those two traits, I think you can conquer the world because most –
• 13:50
  High achieving men will have that in business.
• 13:52
  Now we need that at home.
• 13:53
  Someone that just says, I got you.
• 13:56
  We all have our right hand men at work.
• 13:59
  I need my right hand girl at home or woman.
• 14:02
  And man, do they just get frustrated.
• 14:06
  So a lot of people, a lot of our followers...
• 14:09
  Stay in relationships way too long.
• 14:10
  I've been there and done that.
• 14:11
  We've all done it.
• 14:12
  Yeah.
• 14:13
  Can I ask you a question?
• 14:14
  Yeah, of course.
• 14:15
  What do you think, like your right-hand woman, what qualities do you think she would have?
• 14:21
  I actually just said it would be – it's funny because I just had this conversation with someone and they said, oh, you need someone who is passive and just meek.
• 14:31
  And I'm like, oh, you don't know me well at all.
• 14:34
  You would not vibe with that.
• 14:35
  I need someone –
• 14:37
  That is fully inner feminine, but also masculine and knows how to adjust because I'm very masculine, very take charge.
• 14:46
  So they need to be take charge, but also know when to allow me to lead.
• 14:51
  And we do that little dancing back and forth.
• 14:53
  And I would tell you, it's two people working on themselves to come together to co-create something bigger.
• 14:58
  And it literally is because I know this because I've dated five in a row.
• 15:03
  of not accountable and and abandoning as soon as things get hard they fold like a cheap tent and go and that's no knock against any of them they're great people they're just not for me so that's just me my listeners probably are a lot like me but they're going to be some people that's the number one thing i would say and my amateur relationship coaching would be make a list
• 15:26
  of everything you want in a relationship, and then say no to everything that's not that.
• 15:32
  It's very simple.
• 15:33
  And you signal the universe that, hey, I'm not going to find someone who...
• 15:39
  is dishonest.
• 15:40
  Yeah.
• 15:40
  Because I swear to you, dishonesty to me is like the most unattractive thing.
• 15:45
  And we talked about it last night.
• 15:46
  I was just going to say that.
• 15:48
  Yeah.
• 15:48
  When you see the filtered up faces and then you meet them in person, it's like, that's the first lie you told me.
• 15:54
  And it's for us healed guys.
• 15:56
  And yes, I'm going to go there.
• 15:58
  I'm healed.
• 15:59
  I'm healed enough to know when I'm being mistreated or it's not good enough.
• 16:04
  My standards are super high.
• 16:05
  I saw a post that you put about that.
• 16:07
  That's why I'm single.
• 16:08
  My standards are this high.
• 16:09
  I'm either calm and you make my life better.
• 16:11
  Yeah.
• 16:12
  Bounce.
• 16:13
  Yeah.
• 16:13
  I don't care how hot you are.
• 16:15
  It doesn't matter.
• 16:17
  Sex is available everywhere.
• 16:19
  Sadly, we saw it yesterday in the restaurant.
• 16:21
  I was like, what is going on here?
• 16:24
  There's a moment where somebody should actually, they know they need to leave.
• 16:28
  They feel it in their gut and they stay anyway.
• 16:31
  What's actually happening in that moment?
• 16:33
  Most people are afraid to let go because they think that they're not going to find something better.
• 16:39
  So they say, I'm going to stay here and I'm going to weigh the pros and cons for as long as I can.
• 16:45
  But I'm afraid to leave because this person sees my worth because they've put up with me.
• 16:50
  They've stuck with me.
• 16:52
  And now me trying to choose somebody else is saying like,
• 16:57
  I'm going to put myself out there, let go and not have any type of connection to a relationship.
• 17:02
  And most people are so desperate to be loved and to feel connection, even though they're not connected with their partner.
• 17:09
  But they're so desperate to feel loved and connected.
• 17:13
  They will stay with somebody that literally does nothing with them instead of letting them go, letting them find somebody that feels connected with them or does what they need to feel happy.
• 17:24
  So that you can do the work, be by yourself, find happiness within yourself, and then make your filter even more fine so that you're not letting so many people in.
• 17:34
  And then align with somebody that would be better for your lifestyle and the things that you would want in your life through a relationship.
• 17:44
  All right, fellas, listen to my words on this.
• 17:48
  Stole her stuff.
• 17:49
  Women that blame Shane and refrain that are lie, cry, and deny are a dime a dozen.
• 17:57
  So if you don't think you're going to find another one, they're easy to find.
• 17:59
  They're everywhere.
• 18:00
  Just go into your DMs.
• 18:01
  There's a million of them in there.
• 18:03
  If you're not being respected, leave.
• 18:06
  Believe me.
• 18:07
  But you will be tested.
• 18:09
  The next relationship, it's God though, I'm going to tell you this, is sending you to make sure you say no.
• 18:16
  And if you pay attention and go slow, you'll see the signs.
• 18:21
  Hindsight is 20-20.
• 18:22
  Go back and look at all your other relationships.
• 18:24
  You will see where you went wrong.
• 18:26
  Which fear wins most often, being alone or losing who you are?
• 18:31
  The fear of being alone.
• 18:33
  Isn't that crazy?
• 18:34
  It's they're so afraid to be alone and they're losing themselves anyway.
• 18:38
  And I'm going to say this because my mom will never see this.
• 18:42
  We'll find her.
• 18:43
  No, please don't.
• 18:45
  She'll never find this.
• 18:46
  I hope she doesn't.
• 18:47
  I've learned a lot from my mom and the mistakes that I feel she has made.
• 18:53
  And a lot of that is she will stay with people that are so disrespectful because she feels that being abandoned and being alone is the worst thing on this planet.
• 19:04
  And for me, losing myself and my authentic self.
• 19:09
  is my deepest fear because I've done it in relationships.
• 19:13
  And I've found so much more peace in being alone than going out and dating somebody that does nothing for me, but reflect back that I'm not worthy, that I'm not enough, that I can't be my authentic self because if I am, they don't choose me.
• 19:29
  To me, that's hell on wheels.
• 19:32
  I would rather be by myself and figure my stuff out.
• 19:36
  But I see that being the case all the time.
• 19:39
  I'm afraid to be alone.
• 19:41
  And in fact, they're abandoning themselves.
• 19:42
  Yes.
• 19:43
  And that was the single hardest thing for me to face about myself.
• 19:47
  It's because when growing up, my dad was a drug addict and he'd always forget to come get me.
• 19:53
  And then my mother and stepfather were drunks and were never around.
• 19:56
  So I was always alone and always abandoned.
• 19:58
  I hated it.
• 19:59
  And when I realized that I was abandoning myself, that was the hardest thing to forgive and say, I'm never doing that again.
• 20:08
  Yeah.
• 20:09
  And you know where the answer was, Ashley?
• 20:11
  Stillness, silence, solitude.
• 20:15
  That's amazing.
• 20:15
  Being alone.
• 20:17
  And I had to do this during the pandemic.
• 20:19
  Oh, yeah, you were really.
• 20:20
  I believe the pandemic happened for me, and I was forced to be alone.
• 20:25
  And now I love it.
• 20:27
  After today, tomorrow, I got a couple podcasts, and then I'll be alone all the rest of the day, Saturday, and all day Sunday.
• 20:34
  Yeah.
• 20:34
  And guess what?
• 20:36
  So you have got to bring something better than the love of myself for me to allow you in my ecosystem.
• 20:44
  But I want to dig in your, not necessarily your mother, but everybody.
• 20:48
  What does somebody have to believe about themselves before settling starts to look normal?
• 20:53
  Because it sounds like your mom settles.
• 20:55
  A lot of people do this.
• 20:56
  What are they believing about themselves?
• 20:58
  They believe that their authentic self, their true self is.
• 21:03
  that people do not see their value, that they are not worthy, that they are not deserving of being chosen.
• 21:09
  That's what they have to believe before they start to settle.
• 21:14
  Because think about it.
• 21:15
  If you have, and I've been on both sides, if you have this, and trust me, this side of I don't believe that I'm worthy only attracted cheaters and losers because they needed to reflect to me that I needed to get my stuff together.
• 21:28
  So this version of me, I was like, if I'm my authentic self, nobody's going to choose me.
• 21:33
  And I don't feel that the things I bring to the table are actually valid, that somebody is going to see that the amazing qualities that I have, therefore somebody that's high value would walk into my life and I would look at them and say, I would love to be with this type of person.
• 21:51
  Then my next thought is, well, if I'm vulnerable, they won't go.
• 21:55
  They're not going to choose me anyway.
• 21:57
  And so the best thing in that state was I could,
• 22:02
  attract them with my looks and my personality.
• 22:05
  I could never keep them because I wasn't being authentic and I was truly insecure.
• 22:11
  And now when I look at people that walk into the room, I no longer think to myself, are they going to choose me?
• 22:17
  I think, are they worthy of my time?
• 22:20
  Am I going to lower my standards for somebody that can't meet my needs?
• 22:24
  I don't think so.
• 22:25
  And so now I have this look about me, this type of intense energy, and it's just authentic energy.
• 22:34
  that I feel people are naturally drawn to because I have nothing to prove.
• 22:38
  I'm not chasing anything.
• 22:39
  I'm not going to settle.
• 22:41
  And so I just stay calm and grounded and peaceful, like in my soul while everything kind of buzzes around me.
• 22:47
  And then I'm like, whatever I choose is going to be best for me because I've already done the work to make sure that I'm not attracting another loser.
• 22:53
  of peacefulness.
• 22:54
  I love that.
• 22:55
  I want to dissect that unworthiness, unlovable and bad feeling, because there's not a single person listening to this going, yep, that's me.
• 23:04
  So can you unpack that for the listeners and how it works?
• 23:09
  It may look to the men that you coach in the Heart of the Life Nation.
• 23:14
  I would have fought you five years ago if you said, I'm unworthy, I'm unlovable, I'm bad, and then I had shame.
• 23:21
  And that was going on.
• 23:22
  I've documented it on the show through my IFS therapy.
• 23:25
  Those were my exiles.
• 23:27
  And those were running so deep in my subconscious.
• 23:30
  And I was making every decision based on that and didn't even know it.
• 23:35
  What does that look like for the listeners as well as the men you coach?
• 23:39
  Number one is the overgiving without receiving anything in return.
• 23:44
  I'm going to over provide.
• 23:46
  I'm going to give.
• 23:47
  That is, I need them to see my worth.
• 23:49
  So I'm going to provide everything so that these people will see how desirable I am based on what I give.
• 23:57
  So their perception of me will change from a loser to somebody that actually is worthy of being in their life because I bring a lot of value.
• 24:04
  So that's number one.
• 24:05
  So number one is over giving, which is the funniest thing in business.
• 24:09
  If you were giving, giving, giving and getting nothing back, you'd fire that person.
• 24:12
  Yeah.
• 24:13
  wild.
• 24:14
  So number one, overgiving.
• 24:15
  What's next?
• 24:16
  Number two is somebody who feels that they have to lead with what they have.
• 24:21
  So they are always talking about their money.
• 24:24
  They're talking about what they own and they're leading with that, them pressing.
• 24:30
  And when you remove that, it's, I always say, okay, I understand you're wealthy.
• 24:35
  I understand you're an amazing business guy.
• 24:38
  I understand that you have everything that you want on the book and on the books.
• 24:43
  Take that away.
• 24:44
  Do you think somebody would choose you?
• 24:47
  And they're always like, no.
• 24:49
  I'm like, you don't think so.
• 24:50
  There's your unworthiness.
• 24:51
  And there it is.
• 24:52
  And those are my top two.
• 24:54
  If you think if I didn't have X, Y, and Z...
• 24:59
  Would somebody still choose me?
• 25:00
  And if it's no, then we have an unworthiness wound because it doesn't matter what you have.
• 25:06
  A person who truly loves you.
• 25:08
  Sure.
• 25:08
  Being successful, being the things, that's huge.
• 25:11
  But somebody has to see your value before they step into that and then stay with you.
• 25:16
  Otherwise, you're just attracting users and nobody wants that.
• 25:19
  And you're going to know that you're being used because they're not going to care about you.
• 25:22
  You know that.
• 25:23
  Yeah.
• 25:23
  But those are the two that are very, very huge that you just think about.
• 25:27
  And most of my guys, high value, like very successful or somebody that they would consider themselves, not me, but they would consider themselves Joe Schmo on the street.
• 25:37
  If you didn't have this, do you think somebody would want you?
• 25:41
  And to be, to be fair about this, a lot of the guys that are 26, 27, 28 that haven't grown yet.
• 25:49
  enough yet with their business or just in their life of their jobs or whatever, they will say to me, oh, I can't date yet.
• 25:58
  And I said, well, I can't date.
• 26:00
  Well, I'm just renting.
• 26:02
  I need to own.
• 26:03
  And then as soon as I own, I'm going to put myself out there.
• 26:06
  Why?
• 26:06
  Well, that's what women want.
• 26:07
  They want security.
• 26:09
  Okay.
• 26:09
  Well, can you provide security in other ways?
• 26:12
  Are you masculine?
• 26:13
  Do you lead?
• 26:14
  Are you provider of safety?
• 26:16
  Like actual safety for somebody?
• 26:18
  Yes.
• 26:18
  Okay.
• 26:19
  Can they feel emotionally safe?
• 26:20
  Yes.
• 26:21
  Okay.
• 26:21
  Now you've just passed 80% of the men on this planet because they're not there yet.
• 26:25
  If you can do that, you need to see yourself as worthy and, and super desirable.
• 26:30
  Cause that's what women are looking for.
• 26:32
  Don't hold yourself back.
• 26:33
  Be present.
• 26:34
  That's all.
• 26:35
  That's all you have to do.
• 26:35
  Just be you.
• 26:37
  You don't have to.
• 26:37
  We're human beings, not human doings.
• 26:39
  You don't have to do anything to attract the person that's meant for you.
• 26:44
  Fellas, be present.
• 26:46
  Just be yourself.
• 26:47
  What does staying too long take from you that you never get back?
• 26:51
  Oh, number one, time.
• 26:53
  Let's just get that up.
• 26:54
  Time is huge and you don't know how much you have.
• 26:57
  So why are you staying with somebody that, you know, ultimately isn't giving you what you want?
• 27:02
  But the other thing is I just had a call yesterday.
• 27:06
  This guy has been with somebody for 10 years and he's like, I don't get the intimacy that I want.
• 27:11
  You know, she doesn't text me, you know, but every five, six hours they live together.
• 27:15
  They've been together for a long time.
• 27:17
  And he's like, and I'm just like losing, I'm losing myself.
• 27:20
  I'm like, no, you're, you're losing your masculinity and you're starting to feel like a loser because the person that you have chosen to be in your life isn't prioritizing you, which is reflecting back that you were not enough.
• 27:31
  Right there, that's what I always gravitate towards.
• 27:34
  You are not living the life that you want because you are staying with somebody who's not even giving you what you need or what you want to feel loved.
• 27:44
  So you are losing yourself in this process.
• 27:47
  But Tony Robbins says that everybody has two core wounds.
• 27:51
  Am I lovable and am I enough?
• 27:53
  So wherever you're at in your life by like with...
• 27:56
  emotions and what your job and your success and what you have around you, those can ebb and flow, but everybody has them.
• 28:03
  So when you, when you enter this earth, you already have those wounds.
• 28:09
  And then obviously you go through life, your parents and just life lessons that can either be emphasized or you can be like, no, I can, I can work through this and I'm going to know my worth.
• 28:21
  But those two things, which is every conversation I have, I bring that up.
• 28:25
  So Steven, I know why I was anxious before the show.
• 28:29
  I'm triggered.
• 28:29
  I'm very self-aware and I look in a mirror and I wanna know, I wanna get better and better and better.
• 28:34
  So I unpack everything that you said last night and today.
• 28:37
  And I was thinking that when I grew up,
• 28:42
  There was no love.
• 28:43
  They weren't even around.
• 28:44
  My parents weren't around.
• 28:45
  And when they were around, it was violence and chaos and scary.
• 28:50
  When I do find the right one and they do love me, I almost feel like I can't get enough love for a lifetime.
• 28:56
  I just want to bathe in it.
• 28:58
  I put it all over my hair and just...
• 29:00
  I just, I believe I'm worthy because of the decisions I make, but I want all the love in the world.
• 29:08
  And that's what I'm feeling through this whole thing.
• 29:11
  We've talked about all the problems.
• 29:12
  What's the number one thing a guy can do to feel worthy?
• 29:18
  okay, I love this.
• 29:19
  Thank you so much for bringing it up.
• 29:20
  And I make, and my, my guys love this because everybody, like a man love a challenge and they like, they, they, they love a challenge and they love to be given something to do.
• 29:32
  So I'm like, perfect.
• 29:33
  Do this.
• 29:34
  So when I say to people, Hey, they'll say, I need to feel worthy, but I don't know what to do.
• 29:40
  I'm like, Hey, how many, cause we're all looking back at examples that we have.
• 29:46
  Because we're patterned thinkers, right?
• 29:48
  So we look back and we say we have data points, thousands of data points proving to us why we are not worthy.
• 29:54
  I wasn't chosen in my first relationship.
• 29:56
  My mom didn't prioritize me.
• 29:57
  I wasn't given love.
• 29:59
  You know, my girlfriend doesn't text me back for five, six hours.
• 30:02
  We have thousands of those.
• 30:04
  How many do you have proving that you are worthy?
• 30:08
  Most guys are like, not many.
• 30:10
  I'm like, how many bullet points and data points do you have saying that you choose yourself?
• 30:15
  even when it's uncomfortable.
• 30:16
  Well, not many.
• 30:17
  I usually don't choose myself.
• 30:19
  Okay, so naturally, the way that you think is going to be this direction because you have a lot of data points pointing to and your subconscious says, well, I feel unworthy because everything in my life has pointed to me as being unworthy.
• 30:33
  And here are a ton of examples why.
• 30:36
  I don't have many examples of being worthy.
• 30:38
  So what I say is write a list and you have a current list front and back.
• 30:43
  I said, don't be cheap about it.
• 30:45
  like highlight pros and cons and write who you are right now, exactly who you are and put feelings in it.
• 30:55
  I feel this way.
• 30:56
  I, you know, do this at work, whatever pros and cons, then write the same exact list, wait a couple of days, write the same exact list front and back.
• 31:05
  Don't be cheap about it and do the same thing of the version of you that you would prefer to be.
• 31:10
  Think about the best version of you and then put it all on that piece of paper, pros and cons.
• 31:16
  And they're like, OK, got it.
• 31:18
  Perfect.
• 31:19
  Now, every single day, choose this list over this one.
• 31:24
  So if you are getting nervous walking into a coffee shop because you think you're going to be a good one, you're going to be a good one.
• 31:29
  Hey, the girls in there never give me the time of day.
• 31:32
  You have to be strong enough to look at this list and say, when I walk into a coffee shop, the women want me or whatever.
• 31:39
  You walk in, you say, I'm not going to think the way old version of me thinks.
• 31:42
  I'm going to think the way this version of me thinks, the preferred version of me feels, acts, thinks.
• 31:49
  Whatever.
• 31:50
  All of that.
• 31:51
  And when you start living this way, there's no other option for then you to transform into this person.
• 31:59
  So then you start choosing more positive thoughts.
• 32:02
  You choose better things to do with your time.
• 32:05
  you're not drinking as much, you are prioritizing work, you're reading one book a week, I don't know, whatever's on your list, then you will be this person.
• 32:14
  There's no other option.
• 32:16
  And when you start doing that, your worthiness data points will start to build.
• 32:21
  Why?
• 32:22
  Because you're choosing the life that you prefer and the way that you want to think.
• 32:26
  It's not going to be easy.
• 32:28
  It's going to be very difficult because we are patterned.
• 32:31
  thinkers and pattern doers.
• 32:33
  So you naturally go back to the way you used to think, but you need to change the way your brain works.
• 32:40
  And by going towards the things that you prefer, and then over time, 30, 60, 90 days, you'll be doing it so often, especially if you take it very seriously, that you're going to recognize that you have more data points of choosing yourself and feeling worthy, because that's the only version of you that you'll allow now.
• 32:58
  This is what I heard.
• 32:59
  It's very good.
• 33:00
  But I would take it a step further and say, if you can't find the data points in your personal life, look in business.
• 33:07
  Because you're choosing yourself in the business.
• 33:09
  You're choosing the business, which is you, because you're the owner.
• 33:12
  I never even thought of that.
• 33:13
  I could have done that a million times and never even thought of that.
• 33:17
  Obviously,
• 33:19
  We make tough choices and those tough choices are uncomfortable.
• 33:23
  And that's what we're really talking about is we don't want to feel uncomfortable Even if it's a familiar comfortable misery.
• 33:30
  Yeah, we choose that Why do people date who somebody could be their potential?
• 33:37
  Instead of who is standing right in front of them because it feels better to date potential They start fantasizing
• 33:44
  This person can do this.
• 33:45
  This person has the capability of doing this.
• 33:49
  You're basically looking at the shell of a person and starting to build their personality based off of what you want versus what they are.
• 33:57
  So they start like fantasizing and feeling like connected to a person that doesn't even exist because they're like, I know that this person can be this way.
• 34:07
  Well, you can be a zillionaire too, but you're not.
• 34:09
  People will go into this.
• 34:11
  This feels good for me right now.
• 34:14
  And I want to stay to see if this person grows into the version of them that I've already created in my mind.
• 34:21
  And it's sick.
• 34:22
  That's what people are doing.
• 34:23
  They're dating an AI version of a real human being.
• 34:28
  Since you're so harsh on the women that they, in the beginning, they're showing you who they really want to be and not who they really are.
• 34:36
  And the first act of self-love is noticing when the misalignment happens and then saying, hmm.
• 34:44
  Is this a major red flag?
• 34:46
  Is this a pink flag?
• 34:47
  Or is this something to just monitor?
• 34:49
  I can look back at all the relationships and within the first three months,
• 34:53
  there was signs that they were not who they claimed to be.
• 34:58
  Yeah.
• 34:58
  And that's when you're supposed to use the discernment.
• 35:01
  You guys listen to me, fellas.
• 35:02
  I've made every mistake.
• 35:03
  Wise people learn from other people's mistakes.
• 35:06
  Learn from mine.
• 35:07
  Notice those incongruencies.
• 35:09
  And for me, it's always they say one thing and do another.
• 35:12
  Or they said they did this and then their friend rats on them.
• 35:16
  Or yet you'll see the text message or the social media post that shh.
• 35:21
  It wasn't alignment there.
• 35:22
  Yeah.
• 35:23
  So what I've learned this week is I don't just want honesty.
• 35:28
  I want complete transparency.
• 35:31
  Like I'm not asking about your past to hold it against you.
• 35:36
  I'm asking about the past to see the pattern.
• 35:38
  because the one thing in business and in life data doesn't lie yeah if you've cheated on every single guy and you've gone from guy to guy to guy to guy you're the problem but fellas we're supposed to notice that i don't care how hot she is and say no thank you i'm gonna pass and you do that enough time it becomes the law of supply and demand
• 36:02
  So that's on us.
• 36:03
  That's the accountability I'm talking about.
• 36:04
  And that's what on me and I, and I'm imploring everybody to do that.
• 36:08
  We're talking about red flags.
• 36:09
  So what red flag do smart, successful people ignore the longest?
• 36:14
  First off, I'll say this.
• 36:15
  The prettier the girl, the more the high value man is ignoring the red flags.
• 36:21
  Why?
• 36:21
  They just love it.
• 36:22
  They just eat those women up, those beautiful women.
• 36:25
  They will say the weirdest stuff to me.
• 36:27
  And they're like, but she does this.
• 36:29
  But if you just saw her.
• 36:31
  I'm like, I don't care about what she looks like.
• 36:33
  This woman is literally trauma on stilts.
• 36:37
  I don't, but that's how I speak to them.
• 36:40
  I'm like, they're trauma on stilts.
• 36:42
  I would say my most high value guys will pour into the women that do not
• 36:51
  that do not appreciate what they give.
• 36:54
  That's a huge red flag.
• 36:55
  There's no appreciation.
• 36:57
  They expect it from the high value guys.
• 36:59
  Oh, you're going to give me this?
• 37:00
  We're going to do this?
• 37:01
  All of a sudden, they think, well, I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
• 37:05
  This guy, like, really is pouring into me.
• 37:07
  I don't have to do anything, and I don't even really have to thank them.
• 37:10
  And women say this.
• 37:12
  Oh, my gosh, this is so bad.
• 37:13
  Women will say, the less I do...
• 37:16
  the more he will want me.
• 37:17
  The more I make him work for me, the more he will want me.
• 37:21
  So the less that I say, oh my God, this makes me feel so happy, the more the guy's going to be like, I have to give her more because she didn't say that to me.
• 37:30
  And women will have conversations about this and it is super, super toxic.
• 37:35
  So they become so used to relaxing and watching men spin around and give and give and give.
• 37:43
  And then the men come to me and say,
• 37:45
  I don't know.
• 37:46
  I buy her gifts.
• 37:46
  I lay them on the table.
• 37:48
  I do the things.
• 37:49
  And then she doesn't even say thank you.
• 37:50
  And she doesn't even open them.
• 37:52
  She doesn't even appreciate them.
• 37:54
  She doesn't even put makeup on anymore.
• 37:56
  Like, what do you think that's about?
• 37:57
  I'm like, yeah, she's using you and she's living the life and she doesn't have to, she just feels like you're going to give it because you do.
• 38:03
  She doesn't have to do anything.
• 38:04
  You're still giving.
• 38:05
  When do you start to pull back your energy?
• 38:07
  Women are toxic.
• 38:09
  That's a core wound.
• 38:09
  I'm speaking from experience because that same core wound got them successful in business.
• 38:14
  And they're trying to apply the same thing in a relationship.
• 38:18
  And it's actually inversely true in a relationship.
• 38:21
  So the – and it's actually not even true in business.
• 38:25
  It'll get you to a certain point.
• 38:27
  Yeah.
• 38:27
  But then I've said to you before, your ceiling of –
• 38:30
  Your business and your love life and your relationships is the healing that you're going to do on yourself.
• 38:35
  Sealing is your healing.
• 38:37
  So if you can actually grow through that, you'll attract more business.
• 38:43
  I'm going through this right now.
• 38:45
  We haven't talked about the killing off your old identity.
• 38:49
  It literally feels like death.
• 38:52
  At least that's how it feels to me.
• 38:53
  Like right now I'm halfway between the old unhealed Kelly and the new healed Kelly.
• 38:59
  It's so foreign.
• 39:00
  I don't know what to do with my hands.
• 39:04
  It's foreign.
• 39:06
  And God keeps telling me just do nothing.
• 39:08
  And all of a sudden, business opportunities are coming left and right.
• 39:13
  More people are reaching out to us to be on the podcast.
• 39:17
  We've got some cool new setups.
• 39:19
  But I'm telling you, sit in that uncomfortable solitude and good things happen.
• 39:25
  It's like going to the gym.
• 39:27
  By the way, I'm a Neanderthal.
• 39:29
  If you equate anything to the gym, I will understand it.
• 39:31
  So it is much akin to going to the gym.
• 39:34
  and lifting really, really heavy and hurting your muscles, ripping your muscles to get better.
• 39:40
  Let's dig a little deeper in business versus relationships.
• 39:44
  In business, I run due diligence on everything.
• 39:49
  We'll vet a $50,000 vendor harder than the person they're about to hand their entire life to.
• 39:57
  Why is that?
• 39:58
  Because they want love and they want connection.
• 40:00
  And they're willing to look over the things because they are feeling the love and connection from this woman.
• 40:06
  Because ultimately...
• 40:08
  They're like, my money, the things that I have, I need to make sure that this person's safe.
• 40:12
  That person doesn't make them feel loved and comfortable and taken care of.
• 40:16
  So if a woman can make them do that, especially in the early stages of dating, a man's like, all of my senses and all of my ways of thinking are out the window just so that I can be with this woman because now I feel loved and taken care of.
• 40:29
  and prioritized.
• 40:31
  But I'm gonna go back to what you said before that women are being the versions of themselves that they want to be.
• 40:37
  I'm gonna take that a step further and I'm gonna say women are being that way because most of them are not coming from a place of feeling like they are being intimate or vulnerable.
• 40:49
  So they don't feel unsafe yet.
• 40:52
  Does that make sense?
• 40:53
  So they're going to be this bubbly, amazing, like I can give you everything self.
• 40:57
  And then when things start to get serious and their wounds start to be exposed because now they're like, okay, I'm getting invested.
• 41:04
  Well, that makes me nervous.
• 41:05
  That makes me this.
• 41:06
  Then the crazy starts coming out.
• 41:08
  And then they start resorting back to their old ways of thinking because now they feel vulnerable and intimate.
• 41:14
  So men connect with the superficial version of a woman because it feels good.
• 41:20
  But once that woman starts to feel as if she's getting connected, the core wounds start to come out because she's feeling vulnerable and like, oh, man, this is getting serious.
• 41:30
  I'm starting to intimately connect with this person.
• 41:33
  I used to get cheated on.
• 41:34
  I don't want to get cheated on.
• 41:35
  Then they're doing the hot and cold thing.
• 41:37
  And men are like, what happened?
• 41:38
  I thought we were all good.
• 41:39
  You were so good three months ago.
• 41:41
  Now you're weird.
• 41:42
  But that's what's happening.
• 41:44
  This conversation makes me want to stay single forever.
• 41:47
  I'm sorry.
• 41:48
  Don't say that.
• 41:48
  I know.
• 41:50
  So let's turn it positive a little bit.
• 41:51
  Where should we be meeting people?
• 41:53
  Everybody's dating apps, social media, bar.
• 41:58
  Where are the healthy people at?
• 42:00
  You got to go to where you have your hobbies, right?
• 42:03
  Like the things that you do, you with the gym and whatever.
• 42:06
  But you go to where there's hobbies.
• 42:07
  You go to where you go to the dog park.
• 42:10
  And then you build the confidence to approach people there.
• 42:13
  It doesn't matter if there's these rules, these unspoken rules of don't go up to the girl because she doesn't want to be approached at the gym.
• 42:19
  You don't do that.
• 42:20
  You go up and you say, I see you.
• 42:23
  I've noticed you for the last couple of weeks.
• 42:26
  I want to take you out.
• 42:27
  And that's what you do.
• 42:28
  Oh, so be direct and ask them out right then and there.
• 42:31
  Yeah, why not?
• 42:31
  You don't even start and ask them if they're single?
• 42:34
  No.
• 42:35
  They're going to lie anyway.
• 42:36
  Like if they want to go out with you, they'll lie.
• 42:39
  Don't you think?
• 42:41
  But then that's the first.
• 42:42
  Red flag, but you have to find that out.
• 42:44
  Oh, good grief.
• 42:45
  I used to plow through that and think, oh, I'm so good.
• 42:50
  So I'm saying this so everybody can listen to me.
• 42:52
  That is not a badge of honor.
• 42:53
  So a woman that will do that to you will do it to anybody.
• 42:57
  I'm sorry, that did it to her guy will do it to the next guy.
• 42:59
  Absolutely.
• 43:01
  But let me tell you, if that woman feels that she's not getting what she wants in that relationship, or she has girlfriends that are telling her, girl, this guy is a loser that you're dating.
• 43:12
  He doesn't even do anything for you.
• 43:15
  You have to start dating other people.
• 43:17
  When somebody comes up to her at the gym, those voices are going to be in her head.
• 43:22
  Yes, she should.
• 43:24
  People snip off the relationship, but most women monkey branch to the next guy.
• 43:28
  So she'll be sitting there with this guy that's like, I'd love to take you out.
• 43:31
  And she'd be like, sure.
• 43:33
  And then she'll justify in her own head.
• 43:35
  Oh, absolutely.
• 43:36
  I'm going to go out with this guy because if my guy was treating me the way I deserved, I would never do this to him.
• 43:43
  So then she takes the opportunity and that's where there's always that crossover.
• 43:47
  And then the woman starts pulling away from the guy.
• 43:50
  That's when the guys reach out to me with the paragraphs and say, what's going on?
• 43:54
  And it's because she's getting attention elsewhere.
• 43:56
  The eye of Mordor has shifted.
• 43:59
  So let them go.
• 44:00
  Let them go.
• 44:01
  Let them go.
• 44:02
  They think they can find something better.
• 44:03
  Wherever you go, you take you with you.
• 44:05
  And it's going to be his problem.
• 44:08
  And they're just going to keep going.
• 44:10
  Yes.
• 44:11
  I'm telling you.
• 44:12
  Go up to girls at the gym.
• 44:13
  Go up to girls at the grocery store.
• 44:15
  When you're going for walks, approach women.
• 44:17
  If you're at a concert, approach women.
• 44:20
  I like when men have the confidence to approach a woman in person.
• 44:25
  I don't like the dating apps.
• 44:26
  I think that there's too many people that are not emotionally available on there.
• 44:31
  And then people get burnt out because they have 36 conversations.
• 44:34
  And then they're like, nobody's serious about dating when they're not even ready for it.
• 44:39
  So you can feel energetically when you go up to somebody and say, hey, you know, or if you've watched them a few times at a restaurant or at the gym or at the dog park, you go up and you feel how they feel around you.
• 44:52
  And then have a small conversation with them.
• 44:54
  See if you can actually get through like five minutes worth of BS convo and then ask for their number.
• 45:02
  A good woman will say like absolutely or like a woman that should like that's in a relationship should tell you like I'm not.
• 45:10
  But you have to figure that out afterwards.
• 45:13
  Which...
• 45:14
  For us high achieving men, especially if she's smoke show or given those sex eyes, the second you find out that she's seeing somebody or with somebody or there is an overlap, you got to walk.
• 45:26
  That's the first act of self-love.
• 45:29
  That's the first act of choosing you.
• 45:32
  And guess what?
• 45:33
  Yes, you will be alone.
• 45:35
  But the next one God sends you or the one after that will be single and will be available.
• 45:41
  And there's nothing sexier than a woman saying, sorry, I'm dating somebody.
• 45:46
  It's not inappropriate.
• 45:47
  Yes.
• 45:50
  Let's we're going to hammer these breakup stuff because it sounds like a lot of your people need to break up with their person.
• 45:57
  And it sucks, man.
• 46:00
  Going through a breakup, going through a divorce is like death.
• 46:02
  So a breakup takes more than the person.
• 46:05
  What else walks out the door with them?
• 46:08
  Their dignity.
• 46:09
  Does it?
• 46:11
  If the woman is toxic or the guy is toxic, don't you get back your dignity?
• 46:17
  Well, that's what I'm saying.
• 46:18
  You walk away with your dignity.
• 46:20
  This is what I'm – I didn't phrase it right.
• 46:22
  Yes.
• 46:23
  You walk away with your dignity.
• 46:25
  God, it doesn't feel like it.
• 46:27
  I know.
• 46:27
  You want to throw yourself to the floor, but then you build up, you know?
• 46:31
  So you build up like your self-worth and you cry a little bit and you throw yourself to the floor.
• 46:36
  You have your little temper tantrums.
• 46:37
  But then you get up, you give yourself a short amount of time, and then you live the life that you want to live.
• 46:42
  I'm going to say something manly.
• 46:46
  You said cry a little bit.
• 46:47
  I've cried more in the last year than I've cried in my entire life.
• 46:50
  Because when I grew up, there was nobody to cry to.
• 46:52
  And if I did cry, my parents were there.
• 46:53
  She'd say, I'll give you something to cry about.
• 46:55
  So I never cried.
• 46:56
  It is the most freeing, cathartic thing I've ever done is cry.
• 47:01
  When I first started Heart of Life, this whole movement, I sat on my couch during the pandemic alone when I didn't have my daughter or anything and just cried in a ball.
• 47:11
  So you can imagine me, big guy, and it felt so good.
• 47:15
  Who do you cry to now?
• 47:21
  Well, I cry almost once a day.
• 47:23
  Do you really?
• 47:24
  And most of the time it's out of joy.
• 47:27
  So this morning I was making a list for my coach, who's also one of my dear friends.
• 47:33
  And I said, I love you for these things.
• 47:35
  He said, would you just make a list?
• 47:36
  Not for me, but for you, because those are all the qualities that you have.
• 47:39
  That's why we like each other.
• 47:40
  And I made it and I got to the point where,
• 47:44
  where I said, he's a friend a friend would like to have.
• 47:48
  And I started crying in the restaurant.
• 47:51
  People were looking at me and I just didn't care because it's emotion that I've hid my whole life.
• 47:57
  And he's a good friend.
• 48:00
  And then he didn't message me back.
• 48:01
  And I said, wait a minute.
• 48:02
  I also made a list of my ex and all the things I didn't like.
• 48:05
  Does that mean I'm those?
• 48:08
  message me back on that one so it's a good friend you know we we didn't talk about the friends like that's how much of a problem truthfully are the friends what i mean by that is i used to have friends when i used to run amok we were freaking drinkers and partiers and wild men and they always kept me where i was it's like i would say man i'm drinking too much oh no nonsense you're
• 48:32
  Those friends, even though they've been with me for 30 years, good friends and they make you feel good, real true friends who I want hold me accountable and call me out.
• 48:45
  And that's what I think we're all missing is especially in the women group like girl.
• 48:51
  You need to be single for a minute.
• 48:54
  You need to not go to the next guy.
• 48:56
  And I watch him and I go, you heard it.
• 48:59
  The best way to get over him is to get under another one like, I have a daughter.
• 49:04
  And that mortifies me.
• 49:06
  How much of this dating challenges are our friends giving us bad advice?
• 49:14
  A lot.
• 49:14
  Yeah.
• 49:15
  I so much.
• 49:17
  You ever see those those Instagram posts where it's like you are who you surround yourself with and there's like 18 moldy strawberries and then there's like one one healthy strawberry like starting to mold on the bottom.
• 49:29
  And they're like, that's basically you.
• 49:31
  You're the moldy strawberries.
• 49:32
  You don't want to be around people that don't make you a better person, don't make you think differently, don't make you perceive life differently in the way that you prefer.
• 49:45
  Who you surround yourself with everything.
• 49:48
  Those rooms that are, you know, successful entrepreneurs or business guys.
• 49:54
  And they're like, oh, do you want to go network?
• 49:56
  I want to go network just because it feels alive to be in that room with people that are motivated to do better and to like think differently and to grind.
• 50:06
  I love that.
• 50:08
  But I've had to let a lot of friends go.
• 50:11
  Because I was drinking too much.
• 50:14
  I was not I wasn't healthy.
• 50:16
  I was doing grimy stuff.
• 50:18
  And my I didn't have many friends because I'm very particular.
• 50:22
  But I realized that like, let's say at the time I had 10.
• 50:24
  It's like four of them.
• 50:27
  were my good circle.
• 50:29
  The others were people that were bringing me down, making me think in toxic ways.
• 50:35
  As soon as I let them go and I surrounded myself with more of those friends, the four friends that I really aligned with, my life got better.
• 50:44
  And this is funny.
• 50:44
  I was talking to a guy, this was last year, and I was giving him the dirt on one of my girlfriends.
• 50:51
  I was like, oh, this, this, this.
• 50:52
  And then he says, well, what does she think about our relationship?
• 50:55
  And I was like, oh, no.
• 50:56
  Not good.
• 50:57
  And he was like, that's interesting.
• 50:58
  And he goes, I don't know how much value you put on somebody that like can't hold a stable relationship.
• 51:04
  And he wasn't being mean.
• 51:05
  He was just, you would probably say this to me, you know, and I'd be like, I get it.
• 51:10
  But he was like, I don't know how much value you put on somebody that isn't married, can't hold down a regular relationship and uses people for, you know, access to fun things.
• 51:21
  And I was like, that's interesting.
• 51:23
  That's something to think about.
• 51:25
  And then I thought, yeah, why am I sharing so much information with somebody that really can't hold down a regular, like, true relationship or be in a long-term relationship that bounces around?
• 51:38
  And I thought, sometimes I've complained to people that I really just want an outlet to speak about something, but then they persuade me to do something that's out of my character or try to persuade me.
• 51:50
  I don't budge anymore.
• 51:51
  I'm just like, whatever, but used to.
• 51:54
  That is a big component of healing, fellas, is I have a friend who literally I've tried to cut him off a million times.
• 52:02
  We call him the devil and he just won't go away.
• 52:06
  And he used to be my partner in crime.
• 52:08
  Oh, really?
• 52:10
  When you were like crazy?
• 52:11
  He was married and he lived vicariously through me.
• 52:13
  I mean, I was an F...
• 52:16
  I was a playboy and I was good at it.
• 52:19
  You said this yesterday.
• 52:20
  Yeah.
• 52:20
  Because I didn't lie.
• 52:22
  I told them whether and being with me was fun and I wouldn't lie to them.
• 52:26
  I didn't like build this false like, we're going to go to Paris.
• 52:29
  We're going to have fun.
• 52:31
  Yeah.
• 52:31
  We're going to have a good night.
• 52:32
  And as long as you don't bring drama, you're going to have a good night.
• 52:35
  So my body would always live vicariously through me.
• 52:37
  To this day, I got a text message from him last night.
• 52:40
  No way.
• 52:41
  He was at a party.
• 52:42
  He's like, hey, you're single now.
• 52:44
  Look, look what we're doing.
• 52:45
  Why aren't you here?
• 52:46
  And I'm like...
• 52:48
  Mark, you know, that's not me anymore.
• 52:50
  And I just keep saying no.
• 52:51
  And he just laughs because nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do.
• 52:56
  But conversely, that friend that's been with you for 20 years that hasn't grown and is always in there commiserating with you.
• 53:05
  I just was commenting on my very, very best friend.
• 53:07
  He's...
• 53:09
  31 years we've known each other, been best friends.
• 53:12
  And he's finally grown like I have.
• 53:14
  And I even made a mention that I was talking to somebody I shouldn't be.
• 53:18
  And he's like, yo, they call me out.
• 53:20
  I like that.
• 53:21
  Versus people.
• 53:22
  And that's who allows to stay in my ecosystem.
• 53:25
  People that call me out on my BS.
• 53:28
  And that's the friends that I want.
• 53:30
  I want people.
• 53:31
  And you know it.
• 53:32
  You don't leave every conversation feeling great.
• 53:35
  If you do, you're.
• 53:37
  That's not your friend.
• 53:38
  Yeah.
• 53:39
  They're just wanting to be there and commiserate with you.
• 53:43
  Your friends should literally reflect your BS.
• 53:48
  And that's how you know you got a good friend and they call you out.
• 53:50
  So what comes back first, confidence or self-respect?
• 53:54
  Oh, that's tough.
• 53:56
  I would say confidence comes back first before self-respect.
• 54:02
  Self-respect is so much deeper, so much deeper than confidence.
• 54:07
  So I would say true confidence, people will lie about the confidence that they have.
• 54:12
  I think they can start to lie about their confidence earlier and then start acting more confident, which puts them into a better bucket.
• 54:21
  But self-respect takes a while, I think, to gain, especially if you've made choices in your past that you're not proud of.
• 54:28
  People have treated you and you've mistreated you and you've stayed with them.
• 54:32
  I think...
• 54:34
  That takes a little bit to recoup.
• 54:37
  I suggest, and you're going to disagree with me on this one, but fake it till you make it.
• 54:41
  And just fake the confidence for a little bit till you start feeling it because action builds confidence and you'll field it and then you'll start choosing yourself.
• 54:48
  And then all of a sudden you've rewired the neural pathways in your head and you're like, oh, wait a minute.
• 54:55
  And then just be patient and use your discernment like you would in business.
• 55:00
  Like, hey, the numbers match here.
• 55:04
  She says she hasn't cheated on any guy, but every single time there's been a new guy immediately within a month.
• 55:12
  Yeah.
• 55:13
  I got a newsflash.
• 55:14
  If you're able to be in another relationship in one month, that dude was present at the last relationship.
• 55:20
  Heck yeah, he was.
• 55:21
  And the same thing with women.
• 55:22
  It goes both ways.
• 55:22
  We're beating up on women right now.
• 55:24
  But this, listen, I just think that the women have caught up to the men and passed them.
• 55:30
  They have.
• 55:31
  And I meant to say this earlier.
• 55:34
  Guys, if you had a GoPro on that woman that you're holding on a pedestal,
• 55:39
  you would be mortified with the things that she does and says and things.
• 55:44
  She is not who you think she is.
• 55:46
  Yeah.
• 55:47
  And your content has really helped me remember that and be like, oh.
• 55:52
  And this isn't this is just
• 55:54
  For the people not doing the work or half-assed doing the work.
• 55:57
  There are lots of women, Ashley, that are out there that you're not going to see all of our social media seeking validation.
• 56:06
  You're not going to see them.
• 56:08
  They're going to be at the gym at 5 a.m., 6 a.m. You're going to see them at these masterminds.
• 56:14
  They're not out at the bar.
• 56:16
  They're not being bothered at work because they're grinding to make themselves better.
• 56:21
  And that's what winning looks like.
• 56:23
  They don't entertain other people.
• 56:24
  They don't have time for that BS.
• 56:26
  That goes both ways.
• 56:28
  But fellas, we got to be better.
• 56:30
  Ladies, you got to be better.
• 56:33
  And then we got to figure this out together and how it starts us communicating, being vulnerable.
• 56:38
  How does somebody trust their own read on people again after getting it wrong time and time and time again?
• 56:43
  Yeah.
• 56:44
  You have to learn the pattern.
• 56:46
  And I know that's how do I trust myself.
• 56:48
  You have to learn the pattern about how you feel around that person.
• 56:52
  So we were talking about this yesterday.
• 56:54
  Hey, I always go towards people that I have amazing chemistry with.
• 56:57
  Well, you know that amazing chemistry brings you to toxicity.
• 57:01
  Yeah.
• 57:02
  You have to, once again, use your awareness and your discernment of saying, I know that when I choose people that I have like a ton of chemistry with and whatever, it leads to a very bad place.
• 57:19
  Bad breakup.
• 57:20
  Therefore, you say to yourself when you're in that spot, what am I going to do differently?
• 57:25
  I'm going to go towards people that don't remind me of past patterns.
• 57:30
  And then you start choosing differently.
• 57:33
  Are you going to hit the ball each time?
• 57:36
  No.
• 57:36
  People can always wear a mask.
• 57:38
  But you have to start using your cutoff method much faster too.
• 57:43
  That's going to make you more confident in dating.
• 57:46
  Okay.
• 57:46
  I noticed something.
• 57:48
  Now I have to cut it off.
• 57:49
  I trust myself more in dating because when something arises, I don't fall for it.
• 57:54
  I choose myself and I walk away.
• 57:56
  That's how you build the confidence.
• 57:58
  Just say, no, thank you.
• 57:59
  This isn't for me.
• 58:00
  I'm going to, and no, literally the word no is a complete sentence and needs to be used more.
• 58:05
  No, thank you.
• 58:06
  And there does not need to be some explanation.
• 58:09
  That's when you know you love yourself.
• 58:11
  Not for me.
• 58:12
  Thanks.
• 58:13
  Well, why?
• 58:13
  Why?
• 58:15
  Just not even going to go there.
• 58:17
  May I ask you a question.
• 58:18
  Not going to wrestle with a pig and get messy and they'll love it.
• 58:22
  What's my question?
• 58:23
  When's the last time you've said no very quickly to a woman?
• 58:27
  Like recognizing patterns.
• 58:28
  What did that feel like?
• 58:29
  For the guys that are listening, what did it feel like to change your pattern and to build more confidence?
• 58:35
  When's the last time you said no?
• 58:37
  Lately, I've been saying no a lot.
• 58:39
  I've literally been saying no probably five times as much as yes, right?
• 58:44
  Wow.
• 58:45
  Because I'm crossing over, Ashley.
• 58:48
  We want to bring this show to the number one, and it is sealing.
• 58:52
  Everything I say, I believe and I practice.
• 58:54
  I drink my own Kool-Aid.
• 58:55
  I am as authentic as the day is long.
• 58:58
  I'm not somebody else.
• 58:59
  You said it last night.
• 59:01
  You're exactly who you claim to be.
• 59:02
  That's who I am.
• 59:03
  Yeah.
• 59:04
  So I say no a lot in business.
• 59:05
  I'm saying no a lot to women because I am single now.
• 59:09
  And I just, what does it feel like?
• 59:13
  It feels at first like, oh my goodness, it feels like you're going to die, like you're stabbing yourself in the heart.
• 59:20
  But after you say it, it's like, oh.
• 59:23
  Put another little chip in the Kelly fund.
• 59:27
  Yeah.
• 59:27
  Me, me, me, me.
• 59:28
  And eventually, God will send the right ones.
• 59:31
  And it's just – And I say no a lot in my personal life.
• 59:35
  Like my friends.
• 59:36
  Hey, you want to go to Miami?
• 59:37
  Hey, you want to go to Biza?
• 59:39
  Hey, you want –
• 59:40
  It's not for me.
• 59:41
  No, thanks.
• 59:41
  No.
• 59:42
  And it's funny because I don't even give explanations.
• 59:44
  My one friend I told you to run a mock with, I said no.
• 59:48
  I say no all the time.
• 59:48
  I won't go out with them because they're always doing something in my old life.
• 59:51
  That's not who I am.
• 59:52
  It's boring to me now.
• 59:54
  But no to women.
• 59:56
  With all due respect to my ex, I said I wouldn't talk about her.
• 1:00:01
  I wouldn't post about her.
• 1:00:03
  But how it ended was a final, this isn't for me.
• 1:00:06
  Yeah.
• 1:00:07
  So it was the ultimate no.
• 1:00:09
  It should have probably happened months before, but I had some healing and God wanted us to still work some things out.
• 1:00:16
  So the final end was just that this isn't, this isn't for me.
• 1:00:22
  I promised I wouldn't get too gory, but this will help your men because I'm one that would coach you.
• 1:00:28
  They need help.
• 1:00:29
  Well, I'm going to tell you right now that the more you choose you, the more that the things that aren't for you fall away.
• 1:00:36
  So this is what happened.
• 1:00:37
  She held space.
• 1:00:38
  We talked about it for a long time.
• 1:00:39
  I met her.
• 1:00:41
  There were some red flags.
• 1:00:42
  And I was...
• 1:00:44
  enamored with her looks like you just said and there was the whole story about how she's doing the work on herself she's in therapy she's listening to pockets she's journaling she's meditating she's doing all the things but of course she had a boyfriend but he was a quadriplegic he got in a tragic accident so there was nothing there and they were going to break up and she was wanted to come see me but i'm like i'm not going to see you until you're single so she made plans broke up with him and then boom immediately we were on
• 1:01:12
  First red flag.
• 1:01:15
  That really is.
• 1:01:15
  Everybody look at him right now.
• 1:01:18
  Look him in his eyes.
• 1:01:19
  That's my decision.
• 1:01:20
  I made the wrong decision.
• 1:01:21
  Yeah.
• 1:01:22
  And the fact that we talked for three months while she was with him was another red flag.
• 1:01:27
  And then I started and then I saw her friends a week later and I'm like, ooh.
• 1:01:31
  Yeah.
• 1:01:32
  And I'm not sitting here trying to call her out.
• 1:01:34
  I feel terrible.
• 1:01:35
  Steven, you did this to me, but it's got to help people.
• 1:01:37
  This went back to the chemistry versus compatibility.
• 1:01:41
  So chemistry to me is trauma bonds.
• 1:01:44
  It's our, ooh, this feels normal.
• 1:01:47
  This is hot.
• 1:01:48
  This is what I normally do.
• 1:01:49
  Compatibility means we can work together.
• 1:01:52
  Yeah.
• 1:01:53
  And we were, the chemistry was strong, but the compatibility was off.
• 1:01:57
  So what kept me there for the longest time was we're making baby steps.
• 1:02:01
  We were.
• 1:02:02
  We would communicate.
• 1:02:03
  There would be a fracture.
• 1:02:05
  And we would make, we put Band-Aids over bullet wounds.
• 1:02:08
  Until you couldn't – she held enough space.
• 1:02:12
  This is why I know everything happens for you.
• 1:02:14
  She held enough space for me that I took this IFS therapy, and that's where I noticed my unworthiness, my unlovability, my shame, and all of the things that you said to appear in every man.
• 1:02:29
  And she was able to hold enough space.
• 1:02:30
  I'm very grateful for her.
• 1:02:32
  It ended the right way, but there was some –
• 1:02:37
  incongruencies that really make me look at her really bad.
• 1:02:40
  And why did I keep saying?
• 1:02:41
  Because I was healing.
• 1:02:43
  I, in effect, I kind of used her to heal.
• 1:02:46
  And as a matter of fact, my therapist said, stay after there was a major fracture.
• 1:02:51
  She said, I want you to stay for a little bit longer.
• 1:02:52
  You don't have to, but I want you to, because I want to see if there's still another core wound that will come up.
• 1:02:59
  And it didn't.
• 1:03:02
  Another fracture happened.
• 1:03:03
  And I was that no, that final no was like, oh.
• 1:03:07
  I choose me.
• 1:03:08
  And then what happens fellas after?
• 1:03:10
  They gotta be the victim and they gotta make you the bad guy.
• 1:03:12
  Hey, whatever story you gotta tell them, make yourself feel good, good.
• 1:03:15
  And then at the end of the day, I just learned, I was laughing about it, she blocked me on everything and we actually were getting along.
• 1:03:21
  So I don't know what that's about, but I don't care.
• 1:03:23
  It's not, I'm not looking back.
• 1:03:26
  I said, I started this conversation going, be present.
• 1:03:29
  I'm right here with you.
• 1:03:31
  I'm with all the listeners.
• 1:03:33
  That's all that matters.
• 1:03:35
  I can't change the past.
• 1:03:36
  I can't even influence the future.
• 1:03:38
  And that's what us high achievers try to do over and over.
• 1:03:42
  Let's go.
• 1:03:43
  When is walking away the most respectful thing a person can do?
• 1:03:46
  When you're not being respected in a relationship with...
• 1:03:51
  When you're not being respected in a relationship, the best thing that you can do for yourself is to walk away.
• 1:03:57
  And for me, guys, I'll be honest.
• 1:03:59
  There was very little honesty and zero transparency.
• 1:04:02
  And that's when respect was like, whoa, this is not something.
• 1:04:06
  I can't build long term with somebody or something that I can't trust.
• 1:04:10
  And that's where...
• 1:04:13
  It doesn't look like, hey, this is disrespect.
• 1:04:17
  You just, it feels, you feel it all the way through viscerally through your life.
• 1:04:22
  And you just need to walk through your body.
• 1:04:24
  And you just need to walk away.
• 1:04:25
  It's the most empowering thing.
• 1:04:28
  Now, it took me like three times to do it.
• 1:04:32
  Yes.
• 1:04:32
  You're learning the lesson.
• 1:04:33
  That's okay.
• 1:04:34
  Okay.
• 1:04:35
  You're growing, you're learning the lesson, you give yourself grace, whatever, whatever's going on in your head.
• 1:04:40
  You're like, I can't walk away.
• 1:04:41
  I can't walk away.
• 1:04:42
  You haven't learned the lesson.
• 1:04:44
  And then when you finally do, how much easier is it to be like, nice, I'm no longer dancing with this.
• 1:04:52
  I'm going to give you guys what my coach gave me, which was you said, I can't walk away.
• 1:04:59
  Say, how easy can I make it?
• 1:05:02
  How easy can it be?
• 1:05:04
  And all of a sudden you start thinking, you know what?
• 1:05:06
  All I got to do is just say no.
• 1:05:08
  This isn't working for me.
• 1:05:09
  It really is easy.
• 1:05:11
  And then once you start doing it more and more, it becomes easier, like riding a bike.
• 1:05:16
  We're up against it.
• 1:05:17
  We got rapid fire still.
• 1:05:18
  But there is a guy listening in his truck right now who knows every word applied to him.
• 1:05:23
  What is the one thing he does today, not next month, today?
• 1:05:28
  He chooses himself.
• 1:05:30
  He chooses himself today.
• 1:05:32
  He thinks about the things that he's not getting in the relationship, thinks to himself, can I live this way for the next 10 years in whatever state that he's in?
• 1:05:43
  I don't care if he's in a relationship, not in a relationship.
• 1:05:45
  Can he live in this state the way that he is right now?
• 1:05:48
  And if he says no, you have to choose differently.
• 1:05:51
  Choose yourself.
• 1:05:53
  Start building the best version of yourself right now.
• 1:05:56
  Change can happen like this.
• 1:05:58
  And it is our responsibility to put in the work so that we don't maintain the patterns that no longer serve us.
• 1:06:04
  So he chooses himself now.
• 1:06:07
  Whatever way, shape, or form that looks, it's going to be best for him.
• 1:06:11
  It's not going to feel easy.
• 1:06:13
  It's not going to feel good because change is not a good sensation in people that like comfort, which most of us do, because we have to get comfortable in the discomfort.
• 1:06:28
  authentically true to yourself and that's to choose you.
• 1:06:31
  I wrote about this in Harder Than Life.
• 1:06:34
  I'll be very specific.
• 1:06:35
  It's take some time alone.
• 1:06:38
  And most of you guys are high achievers.
• 1:06:41
  Take a vacation alone.
• 1:06:43
  Go somewhere where there's water, if that's your thing, or if it's nature.
• 1:06:48
  Just nature.
• 1:06:49
  Mine is water, although I've been really loving the mountains lately.
• 1:06:53
  And it's just when you really start loving yourself, you notice things you've never noticed before.
• 1:06:58
  And so take a vacation by yourself with a notepad and just go and talk to yourself and choose yourself.
• 1:07:06
  That's choosing yourself, guys.
• 1:07:08
  Hopefully you guys enjoyed it.
• 1:07:09
  Is there anything else that I should have asked you that I didn't?
• 1:07:11
  Is there anything you want to leave with?
• 1:07:13
  We're going to do rapid fire, but is there anything else?
• 1:07:15
  Is there anything that you think that the guys need to know about women's perspective?
• 1:07:20
  Like one thing.
• 1:07:22
  That while I'm here, you think men can gain knowledge of or from me if I just said one thing about what women are thinking or doing or whatever.
• 1:07:31
  When they show you who they are, believe them.
• 1:07:35
  If you did it in business, it was a vendor, and someone didn't honor their word, you would fire them.
• 1:07:42
  Do the same thing with the woman.
• 1:07:43
  The second she lies, and it's don't care how much she cries, don't care how much she denies, once you see it, you can't unsee it, believe it and walk away.
• 1:07:58
  way it's beautiful had i done that in my relationships i would be so much further ahead and but i have this big heart and i just want to be loved so bad that i'm like oh there's a there's a benefit of the doubt there's no benefit of the doubt because honestly if you knew the real part of the lie you would spit on and walk away
• 1:08:21
  I can't believe I just said that.
• 1:08:23
  But you would.
• 1:08:24
  The truth is 10 times worse.
• 1:08:26
  There's always a joke when I was a little playboy.
• 1:08:28
  It's whatever a woman says their body count is, double it.
• 1:08:31
  It's probably closer.
• 1:08:33
  It's probably the same thing with their lie.
• 1:08:35
  Whatever that lie is, think of the worst thing, and it's probably closer to that.
• 1:08:41
  Because I've been the dude.
• 1:08:42
  There's nothing.
• 1:08:43
  I could tell you horror stories of things I've done to women.
• 1:08:49
  Believe me.
• 1:08:50
  I write a whole book on that.
• 1:08:52
  But I've healed it.
• 1:08:54
  So I can sit here and tell you all day long.
• 1:08:56
  I had sex with married women.
• 1:08:58
  Multiple.
• 1:08:59
  I've had sex with multiple women.
• 1:09:01
  I've done it all.
• 1:09:02
  But I hated myself.
• 1:09:04
  And that was the same time I was making the most money in the world.
• 1:09:08
  Hated it.
• 1:09:08
  Like this guy a lot better.
• 1:09:10
  Nice.
• 1:09:11
  And I'm alone.
• 1:09:13
  And I'm at peace.
• 1:09:15
  And I'm in my purpose.
• 1:09:16
  And it feels fantastic.
• 1:09:18
  If you guys want this, keep listening to her.
• 1:09:20
  Tune into the Thursday episodes of Heart of the Life.
• 1:09:22
  I get deep into those.
• 1:09:24
  And reach out to me anytime.
• 1:09:26
  Read my books.
• 1:09:28
  I talk about it.
• 1:09:28
  So rapid fire.
• 1:09:29
  I'm nervous.
• 1:09:30
  No, these are fun.
• 1:09:31
  This is the best part of the show.
• 1:09:32
  Sorry we've gone a little long, but you were so good.
• 1:09:35
  One red flag most people treat like a green flag.
• 1:09:38
  Um, being honest, like being too honest upfront.
• 1:09:44
  Here's everything that I've done in my past.
• 1:09:47
  And then they think, oh, they've changed because they're being honest and transparent about it.
• 1:09:52
  Not good.
• 1:09:53
  You just named mine because it's still not being honest, right?
• 1:09:57
  Yes.
• 1:09:58
  There's more to it.
• 1:09:59
  Yes.
• 1:10:00
  Yeah.
• 1:10:00
  Double it.
• 1:10:01
  Text back in five minutes or five hours.
• 1:10:03
  Okay.
• 1:10:04
  For me, five hours.
• 1:10:07
  That's me.
• 1:10:08
  I'm busy.
• 1:10:09
  I'm busy.
• 1:10:10
  And guys, don't take that as a knock.
• 1:10:13
  That's good that they're busy.
• 1:10:15
  The biggest lie in modern dating.
• 1:10:18
  That there's always something better.
• 1:10:19
  The grass is greener on the other side.
• 1:10:22
  One word you would ban from every dating app.
• 1:10:26
  I don't know.
• 1:10:28
  That's one that I don't know.
• 1:10:29
  Guys, help me out on this.
• 1:10:30
  Vulnerability?
• 1:10:32
  Vulnerability?
• 1:10:32
  Being vulnerable or transparency or to be honest?
• 1:10:37
  That is it.
• 1:10:38
  I'm going to be honest.
• 1:10:39
  And yet honesty is not their transparency.
• 1:10:43
  So I would say yes, to be honest.
• 1:10:46
  Chase or be chosen?
• 1:10:48
  Chosen.
• 1:10:51
  Best advice you ever got and ignored?
• 1:10:54
  This is going to sound really bad.
• 1:10:56
  My grandmother said to me, Ashley, choose somebody who loves you more than you love them.
• 1:11:03
  And I'm going to tell you, I love, I really love myself.
• 1:11:08
  I really love myself.
• 1:11:10
  And I want the person I'm with to love themselves as well.
• 1:11:14
  But I have had amazing men who were just, they really, really, really loved.
• 1:11:20
  liked me and chose me.
• 1:11:23
  And I was like, and I wish that I went towards one of those men that liked or loved me more than I loved them.
• 1:11:31
  Terrible, terrible, terrible.
• 1:11:33
  But that's my true answer.
• 1:11:35
  Grandma's advice, which is harder finding the right person or becoming them, becoming them.
• 1:11:40
  It's it is we got to say it's not hard because we have to NLP our brain, but it is finish this sentence.
• 1:11:50
  You teach people how to treat you by what you allow.
• 1:11:54
  What you allow will continue.
• 1:11:57
  What you allow is how somebody feels that they can treat you.
• 1:12:00
  That's what you teach them, what you tolerate.
• 1:12:03
  Fellas, if you want to work with Ashley, all of her links will be in the show notes.
• 1:12:07
  I know you're full right now.
• 1:12:08
  And my advice to you was raise the rates.
• 1:12:11
  So, fellas, if that happens, it's my fault because she is she's the best kept secret and dating.
• 1:12:17
  And we want to see her get out and get more.
• 1:12:20
  What is your handle?
• 1:12:21
  How do people get a hold of you?
• 1:12:22
  So you can just go to any of my like Instagrams, TikTok or Ashleyhost.com.
• 1:12:27
  I have a 12 week program where you can actually work with me or I can do a one-on-one session.
• 1:12:32
  Those are booked out until November.
• 1:12:34
  Sorry, but you can email me and I can get you in earlier.
• 1:12:37
  The rates just a bit higher.
• 1:12:39
  And then I did raise my rights.
• 1:12:41
  So sorry.
• 1:12:42
  And I am going to have an e-course that's available that actually will be way more affordable than,
• 1:12:50
  And I'm really excited about that because the people that don't have the time to dedicate with me or don't want to do the 12-week, everything will be in there.
• 1:12:58
  And I'm just – I'm really excited.
• 1:12:59
  That will be October time when that's launched.
• 1:13:02
  Guys, as always, email me, kelly at harderthanlife.com.
• 1:13:05
  If you have a question or how did we do something, this spurred something, I'll answer those.
• 1:13:11
  And those are me.
• 1:13:12
  So kelly at harderthanlife.com.
• 1:13:14
  And you can say, hey, you and Ashley talked about this and how did you do that?
• 1:13:17
  I'll answer you guys.
• 1:13:18
  I don't have any programs.
• 1:13:19
  I'm not trying to sell you anything.
• 1:13:20
  I'm just trying to give back.
• 1:13:22
  Heartbreak is what started the harder than life movement.
• 1:13:25
  And I'm still working on it.
• 1:13:27
  Still a work in progress.
• 1:13:28
  So until next time, be harder than life.
• 1:13:31
  Please rate and share this podcast.
• 1:13:32
  I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters.
• 1:13:36
  Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity.
• 1:13:48
  Visit TrustNTM.com for more info.
• 1:13:51
  Until next week, be harder than life.