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Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Saddiqim: Identifying Flaws and Executing Change 7.9.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Developing this idea they said yesterday in the Sagdema.
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  I mean the people actually when they get used to certain trait,
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  they hate the other way. That's how far it goes.
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  And so if I'm a guy who likes loud, I get very nervous when
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  someone comes across living life officially the right way and
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  he's quiet and he's low key, it gets me nervous and I get turned
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  off by it. And I'm saying to my saying to
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  people of so and so his, his low key isms, his sketch and all
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  these different things, right? That's what happens.
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  I already figured that. That's what happens.
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  And the same thing you do with any area of life.
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  If you do something the right way, you put down people do it
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  the other way. And not only that, so he's the
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  opposite. If you do something the wrong
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  way, he says you get used to it and he's got to put down people
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  who do it the right way. And you're never going to change
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  if that's how it works, because you put a circle around yourself
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  that does not allow yourself to change.
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  He says the reality is the same way a sick person, he's to go to
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  a Doctor Who tells him do things opposite.
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  You know, if you're eating this diet, change the diet.
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  If you have this regimen, change it.
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  If you, you know, you need to change the atmosphere, change
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  stress, change something that's a doctor changes it, a rabbi or
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  a book or tell the person you have to switch it up.
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  Stop telling yourself that your way is the best way and start
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  realizing that there might be another word.
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  That's what he needs. And it may be that what seems
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  bitter to him is actually sweet. Now he's like this on page 12.
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  This is a very, very common and important to notice character
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  trait. Yes come up.
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  There are many people who want to do things right.
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  There are many people who want to live life the right way.
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  They would love to do things the right way.
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  Problem is they have no idea what's good.
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  The hosnim, Every day they think about how am I going to reach
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  greatness La siga malotell, you know I'm going to reach the
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  tippy top through the serum path.
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  Then I'm a sigimo Tam Koyama and the entire life they never get
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  there. This is a big, big shame.
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  People who are dedicated to becoming good people, they just
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  don't know what the means, how to do it.
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  There are two reasons why people could be in the situation.
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  One of the biggest, they don't know what they fought about,
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  they do not know their faults and they don't identify in their
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  negative ways. This is a very real reality.
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  Who don't man a little Van, If I tell you you're doing anything,
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  go look for Joe and you're looking for job.
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  You have no idea what it looks like.
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  So you go out to know whatever you're searching for.
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  Joe, you can't find them. You go to Ocean Navy searching
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  video, you can't find them. Monmouth Rd.
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  You can't find him because you don't know what he is, right?
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  But feeling capacity, you're going to bumper into him, call
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  it your limit. He might be walking alongside
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  that person but you don't know what he looks like and therefore
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  you won't find him. You found him, but you didn't
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  find him. He says Abu Vigio coshe
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  limitsarto, Even though you're putting a lot of effort, you're
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  putting this Joe search. You're searching high and low
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  for this man named Joe, but you have no idea what it looks like
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  and therefore you're not going to get past first base.
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  You might be literally staring him in the face, you might be
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  sitting and talking to him, but you don't know who he is and
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  therefore you won't find him. He come upon me in your voice so
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  many times Joe bumped to you and you won't identify him.
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  You won't recognize him. Not because you don't see him,
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  not because you're not talking to him, not because he's not
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  there, just because you don't know who he is.
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  Can now, Dama said. This is very probable with
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  people as well, I thought. Be sure Horsham tell me the
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  person is thinking a lot, Maya said.
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  What should I do if I told you start, start.
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  What should I do to make myself great, right?
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  So he sits down, starts to think I'm going to do this, I'm going
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  to do that. He has no background, he has no
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  basis, he has no knowledge of what's good and what's bad.
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  I'm going to do the things that I think are good, right Joshev
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  Tamim Maya Sermachapes Maseto. He's going to search to do good
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  deeds. They are seek Kevan Cheno.
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  My kid has no because he has no idea where he's for.
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  So here's the person who says I'm going to become the best
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  person imaginable. How I'm going to do this that
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  and the other thing. Who said that's the best thing
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  for you? I don't know.
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  I want to be a good person, So and so does it.
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  I want to do the same thing. But he has no clue that for this
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  individual, he just thought at point A, which means he needs to
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  start at first base realizing, listen for you to grow here to
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  become great. Let's first identify where
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  there's a hole, where there's a void.
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  And I'll work at that. And the person has to stop and
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  think about his voice. And the only way he's going to
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  realize his lackings is if he learns this about him.
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  And he listens to classes and he's told by somebody who's real
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  with him, who knows what they're talking about, where this
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  individual is flawed. And then he starts and says, OK,
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  let me work on this series. And there's a concept out there
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  of having one friend. I tried this, didn't work.
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  Having one friend, What does that one friend do to you?
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  That one friend tells you you're a real floss.
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  I mean, you have a guy that now people never really want to tell
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  you. I don't care who they are.
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  They don't want to tell you where you fooled because of the
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  fact that you may not show up the next morning.
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  You may not like them anymore. They don't want to do that.
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  It's very uncomfortable. Who wants to be the guy to show
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  the other person that flows maybe on the floor too.
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  And never, people don't do this, but there's a concept for
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  Tocheja, for Moussa, and actually for efficiency to have
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  that one friend, that sibling, that somebody who tells you
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  who's open with you and tells you where you're floored.
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  And what's funny is. That's what your wife.
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  Does that's what your wife does, by the way?
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  And actually, the truth is, if not for then we would be in a
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  much worse predicament. That's a reality.
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  It's a joke, but it's also very much the truth.
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  If not for the wife, we would be doubling down on our floored
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  ways and we never would be cleaning our our means.
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  The wife helps us straighten ourselves out.
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  That's a reality now. Sometimes a little too much.
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  And sometimes it's also only too often it's also only their view,
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  which means they may not, they may not know exactly what's best
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  for you. They have very good intuition.
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  They do. And they have a very good
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  realization of which way you float.
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  And they tell you you're putting too much effort into this.
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  So you're putting too much time into this and you're, you don't
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  realize you're not being nice in this area.
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  They get you, but really you need to have a person who does
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  what, that person who stops and gives you an overview of your
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  situation that says, listen, I see, I notice I have a friend
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  actually very close to me. And over the last few months
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  I've been talking to him a lot and every day he's got a
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  different issue. He's got an issue with the boss,
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  that issue with the coworker. He's got an issue with this
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  person, the colleague Lily. He's got an issue with the
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  person on top of him, the person under him, and the person equal
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  to him. And I want to tell him it's him,
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  it's him. And, and the truth of the matter
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  is it's actually a deep point because it's not like he's doing
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  anything wrong directly, but he's doing something that's
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  making everyone around him a little bit uncomfortable.
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  He's a little bit obviously too aggressive and therefore the
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  boss is getting nervous. He's basically taking over the
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  boss. He's too aggressive and he's
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  therefore the the coworkers getting nervous and he's out
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  shooting him. He's too aggressive and the guy
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  on him is basically becoming erased.
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  It's one thing, but you go tell a person that they're too
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  aggressive, you go tell the person you know.
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  And I told him this somewhat. They said, listen, I'm going to
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  talk to someone. He spoke to someone.
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  He spoke to the one person that he should not speak to a person
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  that has the exact same opinion and approach to this line of
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  work. So what's that worth?
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  There's nothing he tells me I speak to, all right?
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  He told me, I spoke to this guy and the guy told me that the
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  person complaining about you, who's under you, they're wrong,
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  they're jealous, they're making a mistake, taking the harm,
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  they're off. I said who'd you talk to?
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  Tell me the guy I said Arles is speaking.
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  I think that's the one person you should not speak to.
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  He's a person, in my opinion, who is living his life the exact
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  same way and therefore he believes that that's the way to
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  do the right way to do things. Stop and be real yourself.
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  And what's The funny thing is this person, my friend, unless
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  he gets truth Sirt, he will never realize the reality and he
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  will never strain his ways and he'll double down and triple
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  down and quadruple down, never thinking that he's doing
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  anything wrong. He'll go to certain people.
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  I told him, I think your question, your situation, you
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  need to speak to a Guedor and your predicament where this
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  one's upsetting you and that one's upsetting you, another
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  one's upsetting you, right? All three different levels.
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  I think you need to speak to someone great because it
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  happened to me. It's not oriented business.
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  So he might be saying to himself, I'm doing the right
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  thing and they're jealous, right?
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  I think this is where you have a gadol go to a gadol.
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  So he spoke to someone before he went to the gadol.
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  Not someone said, no, you don't need to go to a gadol.
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  You're doing the right thing. And now what's going to happen?
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  He's going to double down, right?
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  And he's going to, you know, dig his heels in into his way of
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  life, never realizing that maybe, by the way, maybe he's
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  right or maybe he's wrong. This is a concept out there that
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  you need someone to give you some sense of reality.
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  Why? Because of this, because you may
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  be searching for Joe your whole life, me staring him in the
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  face. None of us are bad people.
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  None of us. Every single one of us.
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  If I told you you're going to need a certain degree of
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  self-control, a certain degree of change, and you will become
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  an unbelievable person, you'll take it right now.
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  You'll sign up on a down lines. No question about it.
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  Yeah, but it means some degree of self-control.
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  It means even a little bit. I have to take myself down a
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  notch. I understand.
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  You'll still do it because you want to be a great person.
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  So then why are we not that way or people not that way?
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  Because they're searching for Joe and they're staring him in
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  the face, which means they want to be great people.
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  But they never once identify what it means for them to be
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  great and which areas I need to, I need to identify.
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  Is it for me a little bit more humility or a little bit more
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  arrogance, A little bit more involvement, a little bit less
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  involvement, a little bit more family time, a little less
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  family time, a little more learning, a little less
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  learning, a little more praying, a little less praying, a little
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  more charity. Maybe too much charity right?
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  Helping other people but maybe I shouldn't become a smarter to
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  other people. These are all realities that
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  require clarity and unless that person has the clarity, you can
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  have a person who's a do gooder. FYI, you'll notice them like the
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  most destructive people around outside the Kim.
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  People who try to do good who have no clue what good is they.
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  They change the world's negative, they try to do good
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  and they just don't know what good is.
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  They can get involved in the fight.
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  They choose the wrong side. They get it right.
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  You've seen that all the time. It's a strong statement.
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  I'm not a reality. They may not be most
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  destructive, but up there and destructive are people who get
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  how many people get involved in different political opinions.
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  And it's because they believe in certain belief and they create
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  more fights. Why?
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  Because they want to get involved and bring something
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  out. Now you speak of those people
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  one-on-one. Are they bad people?
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  No, they're good people, putting a lot of money behind the
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  effort, bringing a lot of charity to the effort and they
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  may be adding more bad than good.
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  Why? Because you never stop and
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  identify what is the pure good. Now you need to know person by
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  person is not a general statement.
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  Every individual's got a different version of good.
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  For one person, he may he may not be enough involved in the
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  community. We have to give more time to
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  community. The other guy, he might be too
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  involved and he's taken away from his family want, right?
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  It's the reality we see all the time.
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  Form person he might be too cheap, people out there could
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  use his money. Another person he might be too
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  generous, he has to save for his family.
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  So also reality, one person might be too much a workaholic,
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  other person is too lazy. And they may meet two people
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  with the same predicament, but for them it's different.
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  It's all part of the world we live in.
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  One that might be too much of a disciplinary on his children.
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  The other one is too weak on his children, right?
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  And he's old. One person might be too humble
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  and I let everyone to, to, to step on him.
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  And the other guy is too arrogant and he can't handle
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  anything, right? And this is all, every person's
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  going to have their own compass and all identification.
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  And without realizing what's going to happen through this
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  book and through these me thought, as you look at the mix
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  and you say to yourself, and a little bit more of this, a
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  little bit less of that, and you identify the right Joe and
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  you'll search for him. If you don't identify it, you'll
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  be looking for him your entire life and never realize the
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  truth. And it's a very big shame.
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  Why is it a big shame? Because it's one thing for a
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  person to have a Yitzer hara. That's one thing it's a lot of
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  strong how to fight it. Here's the guy with the hits
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  that I talk. Here's the person that wants to
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  do good. He's already giving himself over
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  there as yet that I talk and said my job is to become a great
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  person. Every rational in Kipord, he has
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  regrets. He has a focus on becoming a
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  great person. He really wants to do good and
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  he has no idea what good is and he want to know if this is
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  common. It's Uber Uber common.
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  There are people who think that they do gooders and they're
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  actually the opposite. Because I never had that.
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  I was just telling him, right? But you're telling me, I thought
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  inside. When a person looks in the
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  mirror, he knows what his flaws are.
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  Maybe if he's really, really honest himself, maybe, And if he
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  puts everything together, but he also needs something to
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  background to understand what is a flaw.
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  But yeah, it could be. If he's very honest himself and
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  he realizes the problems that he keeps facing with relationships,
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  he can identify in relationships where he's flawed, maybe very
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  possible, but still needs. A book pious for sure, to look
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  to yourself in the mirror you want to.
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  No, but you know you. Want to tell yourself that you
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  do it? I hate you, but you know that
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  there's those times where you reel with yourself and say, wow,
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  you know, I really, you know, yeah.
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  I keep doing it. Tell yourself I'm.
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  I'm really a jerk. Like, I don't think anyone says
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  that. No, but there are people right
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  there. No, I don't think you do that.
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  But there are people who stop and say to themselves, listen to
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  that conversation ended funny and it keeps ending funny in all
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  those relationships keep going up and smoke and why I have a
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  problem with every sibling or why I have a problem with all my
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  children are officially a nice guy.
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  And what you know, you start to realize, hey, maybe I'm doing
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  something a little bit too much this too much that.
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  Now that's not the healthiest approach totally because you
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  might be boxing yourself in based on your, you know, based
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  on reactions to situations. A better approach is that wakes
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  you up and then the book gives you clarity, which means life is
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  the greatest musad book. Life and its outcomes make you
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  do musad. They are musad because if I
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  notice I'm having a problem with a lot of people, I'm having a
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  problem every day, or I'm in a bad mood every day, or if I
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  notice that a lot of things are not working out the way I like
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  them to, specifically when it comes to character development,
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  then I'm going to realize that there's a flaw here.
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  I'm working myself, but I might just, you know, some person told
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  me I have a problem. I could.
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  Confuse. You short confusion, meditation
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  and. You see them getting successful
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  and so people are doing good and they're not successful.
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  Oh, for sure, when it comes. That's why I said character.
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  When it comes to wealth and business, it is not a very good,
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  healthy tool to use. Because you might back me, you
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  may say, oh, someone's so successful, he does that and I'm
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  not successful and I run a regular business.
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  That's a very dangerous tool to use because so and so might be
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  illegal, It might be doing these dishonest, it might be doing
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  these wrong and just OK. Hashem wanted him to have that
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  well and. How it came and how it did.
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  And I fully agree, you do not adapt other people's ways, you
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  adopt maybe based on character only 100%.
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  So he says one reason that the person might be living life the
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  wrong way even if he's trying to do a good thing, because he has
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  no idea what good is. And the other one is because
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  it's a little lazy, the opposite guy.
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  He knows his flaws and he wants to get out of them.
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  But I say drop lazy because he knows his flaws, he knows what's
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  good. The problem is he will never
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  reach his promised land because he's a little lazy to work on
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  himself. So 2 opposite people, one person
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  is motivated, dedicated, he'll do anything to change.
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  He just has no clue what change means.
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  And the other guy knows what's good, He knows right from wrong.
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  He's a balaam. What's a balaam?
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  Balaam is the person who made The Who said Talmud Nashi.
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  I want to die along with the Jewish people, with the greatest
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  Jewish people, but I want to live like a balaam, want to die
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  like them and live like this. Which means he knows the truth,
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  but he's lazy. You know, he's right from home,
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  but he just doesn't have the dedication, the effort, the
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  strength to be able to push forward, right?
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  How common is this? Extremely common.
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  How many people know? Because it's a simple example.
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  How many people know that going to sleep late is a bad idea?
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  How many kids know going to sleep late is a bad idea?
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  Right? They recognize it.
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  They wake up the next day, they're groggy.
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  It takes till 12:00 in the afternoon to get themselves out
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  of it. They know and they say to
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  themselves, tonight I'm going to sleep early.
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  And then what happens tonight comes and then they're on their
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  phone. They're checking something and
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  then again they're going to sleep OK tomorrow.
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  Then it happens again and again and again for years and years
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  and years. And he's saying these up that
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  only this person had a little bit more effort to drop more
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  effort to shut the phone, to close his eyes, to call today
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  that person who has the knowledge that all that's right
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  and what's wrong for him, That person would have a completely
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  different day of a different life.
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  OK, that's schedule. Have our relationships.
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  How many people know that they they they keep doing the wrong
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  thing. They keep messing up with their
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  wife. They keep saying a comment
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  that's off, keep saying it. OK, not going to say it again.
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  Next conversation, they say it again, not going to say it
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  again. And you say that's ridiculous.
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  He's not ridiculous. He's normal.
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  He knows exactly right from wrong.
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  And the proof where do you see that people know right from
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  wrong very often is ask them advice.
• 18:28
  An outsider asks any one of us any good personal advice.
• 18:31
  They're going to get very solid advice often times.
• 18:35
  Yet your own lives are not perfect at all.
• 18:37
  There are people I know that give mother in
• 18:52
  And they are the worst mother in law's imaginable.
• 18:55
  How's that possible? They didn't get involved.
• 18:58
  They say their own comment, they talk to their son-in-law, they
• 19:00
  make problems. How's that possible?
• 19:04
  The answer is literally that they know right from wrong.
• 19:07
  They just cannot have the strength to hold their mouth
• 19:09
  shut or have the strength to shut their mind to allow things
• 19:13
  to be. And that's because have the
• 19:15
  second challenge we have over here.
• 19:16
  So we're facing 2 situations like a coach.
• 19:19
  He was never a good player, but he knows to.
• 19:21
  Tell you what's Yeah, 100%. The only thing is the coach
• 19:24
  doesn't have the physical ability.
• 19:25
  Here you have a person that's got the maybe not exactly.
• 19:27
  That's that's a perfect example, literally, And that's how it
• 19:30
  works. So either a person with talent
• 19:34
  without the X is a nose, or be the person with the X is a nose
• 19:37
  without the talent. Our job is to eventually get
• 19:40
  both, which means no ride from Rome and execute.
• 19:44
  If we get both those points, we will be great.
• 19:46
  That's the idea of the book.