Latest / Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment) / Its Over...Time to Heal: New Beginnings of a New Chapter

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Its Over...Time to Heal: New Beginnings of a New Chapter · Murders to Music: Crime Scene to Music Scene (Streamline Events and Entertainment)

• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, welcome back to the Murders to Music podcast.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: My name is Aaron, I'm your host and thank you so much for coming back for this 38th episode.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: So today is Wednesday.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: It is Wednesday, february 5th 2025.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: And this is a day that has been long anticipated for me.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: There's been a lot of anticipatory stress and a lot of angst and anxiety over today, and here's why, if you guys have been around a minute, I'm going to and if you have it, I'm going to refer you back to episode number one called Meth Labs, to Meditation, and in that episode I talk about my career as a homicide and child abuse detective all of a sudden being over.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: One day, on a Thursday, I went to the doctor with some broken ribs and I got told I had PTSD and essentially, from there on out, I never went back to work as a functioning police officer again.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: Now you guys know the story.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: If you've been around a minute, check out my other episodes.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: If you haven't, it'll kind of educate you and walk you through this process.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: And you know, in this podcast I try to be very vulnerable and transparent and real and raw and if emotions hit me I don't hold them back.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: If there's good stuff, I'm sure to tell you, and if there's bad stuff, I tell you that as well, because anybody else walking through this I'm sure to tell you, and if there's bad stuff, I tell you that as well, because anybody else walking through this.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: I want you to know that when your days are hard, it sucks ass, but they can get better.
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: And you know, sometimes my days are good and I'm on here and sometimes I need to take my own advice.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: So today I want to talk about it before I really get into the meat and potatoes.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: Episode 34 spoke about lies, shitty days and IMEs and the lessons learned, and if you listen to the first episode and episode number 34, it's really going to catch you up as to where we are today.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Long story short for three years I've been battling workers' compensation.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I've been battling my city, the city that I swore to uphold, protect and die for it and its people ultimately played a game with their lawyers when I got diagnosed with PTSD, where they waited for me to commit suicide so they wouldn't have to pay out.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: And then, when I challenged them, they said literally that I was nothing more than a number on a profits and loss statement and their job was to keep the profits column bigger than the loss column.
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Now this is the same city and police department that once told me I was family, told me that they would do anything.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: They're around me.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: They got my back the city that I protected, the city that I sacrificed my family and my own life for, you know.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: But now I'm nothing but a number.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: So over the last three years I've been trying to get away from the city through workers compensation and I've been trying to separate myself from them.
• 3:24
  Speaker 1: But in Oregon there is no medical retirement for law enforcement or first responders.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: So when I walk away from the city it is literally like I'm going to get a new job.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: There's no compensation, there's no medical retirement, there is nothing.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: So, as a result of being injured on the job, with a stress injury, ptsd, they're required to give me some kind of settlement or some kind of money compensation for a permanent disability rating.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: Permanent disability rating is determined by a doctor.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: A doctor says, yep, you have this injury and it's a result of work and you're this much disabled.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: So they sent me to nine different independent medical exams to talk about PTSD and continue to prove that I was injured.
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: So fast forward all the way to the end.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: It's been a big, long, heavy road.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: It's been a big, long, heavy road and I go to all this therapy.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: But it's really hard to heal and to move on to the next chapter of your life.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: When you have that shadow clinging behind you, when it's like a parasite sucking your blood.
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to unlatch yourself from that and heal.
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: And those who haven't been there will say well, just get over it, you don't move on, live a good life, don't let this will say well, just get over it, you don't move on, live a good life, don't let this shit slow you down, says my attorney.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Well, you haven't been in my shoes and you haven't lost the career and you haven't.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: You don't have the resentment for the people that you once loved and supported you and you supported them and you swore to die for you haven't had them stab you in the back.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So for three years they've been stabbing me in the back and they've been fighting me and they told me they're not going to give me any money and they're going to take me to court.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: And this is just keep going on.
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: Not because they don't believe I was injured on the job.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: They acknowledge I was injured on the job.
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: Yep, your injuries are work-related, that's clear.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: However, we think through litigation we can minimize our exposure and pay you less.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: So that's where I've been for three years.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: At the end of the three-year process is where we were today.
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: You see, today was a thing called a mitigation hearing and a mitigation hearing.
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: If you guys are out there and you find yourself in this process or you hear the mitigation hearing, let me tell you how that works and let me tell you how this boils down to a really crappy set of circumstances.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: So here it is a mitigation hearing.
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: You and your attorney go to an office together or get on a Zoom call together.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: There is a judge.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: The judge will join you on a Zoom call and then the city, in this case, and their attorneys and their insurance agency get on the Zoom call as well.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: But I can never see them or speak to them.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: So I am in one room on the Zoom call.
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: The judge bounces back and forth between my room and the other room that the other parties are in.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: You've probably been here before.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Imagine buying that used car and you've talked into the sales guy.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: Sales guy leaves you at the table, goes into the manager's office, negotiates talks, brings back their best deal sign here on the line.
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: You can drive it home today.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: What do I got to do to get you out of here?
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: It's that same exact set of circumstances, but this case we're not talking about a used car.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: We're talking about the value of somebody's career and in my case today it was my career.
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: So why would you do this?
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: Because you need that monkey off your back.
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: You see, the workers' compensation system is the most structured, criticized and mechanical legal system out there.
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: We adopted it in 1913 from Germany and in 1913, the state of Oregon has been doing nothing but refining this and really it's not set up for the employee.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: You would think that the employee would be the one that everybody has their best interest in mind.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: Heaven forbid you die as a result or your family has to deal with this.
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: It's not set up for the employee at all.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: In fact it's set up for the employer.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: The burden of proof, if there was one, is on the employee.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: It's up to the employee in the workers' compensation system to prove various elements and each one of those elements.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: You see, they're on the hook for medical right.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: That just comes with a workers' compensation deal, they're on the hook for medical.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: But they're also, if you're disabled in the line of duty or in a job and you can't go back to that same job, they're required to give you some disability, just like military people getting disabled, they get disability for life.
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: Same type of thing.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Now, this isn't specific to law enforcement.
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: You could be anybody working for a company with workers' compensation insurance.
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: You get injured on the job, you can't go back to work, you have a permanent disability as a result of dropping a tire on your leg and now, every time you see a car with four wheels, you piss four times.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: Whatever that may be, they're required to compensate you.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Well, that level, whatever level you're at, comes with a specific number which is statutorily dictated, based on a grid.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: So now, your level of impairment, your level of injury, your sacrifice, all the shit that got you to the really bad day that you're having and ultimately took your career, is nothing but ones and zeros.
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: It's nothing but a number on a grid.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: So that number, let's say it's $2.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Then they say, well, is this person eligible to be retrained?
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: Yep, he is.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: Okay, that's one more dollar.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: And is this person ever going to go back to law enforcement.
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: No, okay, that's another dollar, so this person is entitled to $4.
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: That's how they look at it and they look at that $4.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: Now you go into this negotiation, this mediation, and you and your attorney say, okay, I want $4.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: And they come back and they say we'll give you 50 cents.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: You're like I can't take 50 cents, I want $3.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: And they come back and they say we'll give you 50 cents.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: And you're like I can't take 50 cents, I want $3.
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: And they come back and they say we'll give you a dollar.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It goes back and forth and ultimately you guys settle on $2 and 20 cents, whatever it is.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: So as you sit there, as I sat there today, I literally watched what was left of my career, all the stuff that I did for the city.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: I literally watched it get negotiated back and forth, penny by penny, and my self worth and my worth in the job felt like zero.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: All the shit that I had given, all of the sacrifice, meant nothing to the city and it came down to how cheap can they buy me is literally what it came down to.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: It's a pretty hard thing to swallow.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: You know well what happens if you don't settle.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Well, if I don't settle, here's what happens my case goes back into purgatory and it becomes pending again and I sit there for another year.
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: It drags on for another year it's already been three.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: It drags on for another year.
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: If I don't settle, then they close my case, training and the dollar I got because I can't go back to work Well, those two dollars go away.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: So now the best I could hope for is the two dollars that I had earned for my disability, because they're not entitled to pay me that other stuff.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: If we close the case out and they could be asked to, but it's really up to them they don't have to pay out any money and they wouldn't in this case.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: So really, if I don't close the case, then I'm looking at getting $2 instead of $4 and I have to go back to another doctor.
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: They were going to send me back to three more doctors for independent medical exams.
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: If you're counting, that would be in front of 9, 10, 11, 12 different doctors to say that I have PTSD as a result of being on the job.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: It's a really crappy place to be, but it's the system and you know, all I wanted this whole time was for one person.
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: Do you realize that the entire time I've been out in law enforcement three years I've only had two people reach out to me.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: Those two are my friends.
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: I've only had two people reach out to me to ask me how I'm doing.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: Three years I haven't had the chief.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: I haven't had any of the administration.
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I haven't had my lieutenants.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: I haven't had my sergeants.
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: I haven't had my coworkers.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I left on a Thursday and I never heard another word from them.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Nobody ever called to check on me and see how Aaron was doing.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: How are you holding up?
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: So the day before, we're saving each other's lives and we're helping each other and we're we're a family, God, we're a family, we're a family, god, we're a family.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Kumbaya, link arms, hug each other, tickle each other's babies.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: Then I go home and I don't hear from them.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: And it's been three years.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: If that doesn't make you feel like a piece of shit, I don't know what does.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: Then, at the end of three years of this parasitic drain, you find yourself in a mitigation hearing and that mitigation hearing you watch what's left of your shabby career get dealt away by dollars through a car deal negotiation process.
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: All I wanted was one person in this entire process.
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: I was talking to my friend tonight and she said you know well, I don't think you're mad at the police department and I don't think you're mad at the people, I think you're mad at the city.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: And I said I think I'm mad at everybody.
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: I said the city hasn't supported me.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: They literally were waiting for me to kill myself and told me I was nothing but a number on a profits and loss statement.
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: They don't give a shit about me.
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: I am upset with the police department because the union didn't back me.
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: Nobody backed me and nobody called the check on me.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: This is the kind of stuff where people brush their teeth with their pistol, suck, start their gun and end their life.
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: This is what happens.
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: This is why cops kill themselves is over.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: The same exact thing that I'm going through.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Yet they never reached out.
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: I said I just want one person to advocate for me, the way that I advocated for any of my victims, any of them, the way that I fought for them, the way that I would defend them, the way that I would hear what they had to say.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: To strip off all the I've heard this before all the predispositions, all of the biases, and listen to what they have to say and then be like you know what.
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: This is a true victim and I advocate and fight for them.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: At times, I've had to fight my own people because my own people thought that my victims were guilty of something and I had to prove they weren't.
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: I just wanted one person to stand up, but they didn't.
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: However, let's talk about the positive.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: The positive is that this chapter is behind me, the chapter of my life where I have a parasitic drain sucking me down, or I'm waiting for a phone call to tell me when I have to go to court to do a mitigation, or I'm waiting on another letter from the attorney's office says hey, we rejected your closure and we're going to start this whole process over again.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: All that is behind me and I can now move forward and heal.
• 16:30
  Speaker 1: Today is the day that healing begins for me.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: Today, the emotions have been up and down.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: I've been everything from happy to crying to pissed off and angry, and I think all those things are okay.
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: And if you find yourself there, I think all those feelings are okay.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: Somebody wrote me today and said that we find God at the edges.
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: This person's been through what I'm going through and he says you know we find God at the edges, and I think that's absolutely true.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: Um, this process has been rough, guys and girls, it's been super rough, but the three years is now behind me and it's made me stronger.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: It has given me the wisdom to sit here and share with you.
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: There's somebody out there listening to this right now that is either going through this, has went through this or will go through this, and I hope that my experiences and the transparency and vulnerability will help you in your process.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I hope that will help you understand.
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Or, if you're not in your outside looking in and you have a friend going through it, you have somebody going through it.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I hope it gives you some insight as to what they're at.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: You know, this might not apply to everybody and maybe I've lost half the people by now.
• 17:47
  Speaker 1: I don't really care, as long as there's still one person listening.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: It's you that I'm talking to right now.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: You are the one that needs to hear what's being said and I thank you for sticking around.
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: It's a rough day.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: I almost didn't do an episode today, but this is too fresh, too raw, too much on my mind, and you guys have been with me now for 38 weeks and you've heard the ups and downs, you've heard the trauma, you've heard the health, you've heard the recovery, you've heard the therapy, you've heard the EMDR, and I only think it's fair and just to let you in on the fact that it's over and healing can now begin.
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: I don't know what my future holds.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: I look forward to it.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: But I'll be honest right now I got a ton of mixed emotions, kind of want to go cry myself to sleep, knowing that the finality of your career right I left law enforcement three years ago but knowing that today is truly the separation from the city was really hard.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: It was much harder than I thought it was, and I'm grieving it.
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: I'm grieving my loss, I'm grieving my career, I'm grieving the stuff that I used to do, I'm grieving a ton and I'm angry that at the end of the day, all my worth was dollars and cents with a negotiator.
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: It's a tough day.
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: It's a tough day.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: You know, something else happened today.
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: I happened to see an old police officer that I used to work with and he works at the federal courthouse downtown Portland and I saw him as I was driving by.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: I saw him walking down the sidewalk there doing his duty, and he and I were never really close, but I was on a call with him when I first started my career there.
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: It was probably back in 2010 or 2011.
• 19:51
  Speaker 1: And I'll tell you about that real quick and then I'll get off.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a short one.
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: So here's what we got and it was kind of funny.
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: So we're dealing with a hostage situation between a domestic violence hostage situation right on a major intersection in the heart of Rockwood and I am doing intelligence, meaning I'm gaining information and learning all I can through computer resources et cetera, about the suspect inside and I'm feeding that information to our negotiation team.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: Now our negotiation team is talking to the suspect over a loud horn bullhorn PA system and the suspect is standing in the doorway of the house yelling back across the street.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: Well, we have the street shut down, but there's a lot of people standing around right, it's dark, it's nighttime.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: There's probably 50 or 100 witnesses standing around.
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: The guy has let the family go and now we're trying to get him out because he needs to be arrested and they're going back and forth with the negotiation.
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: Um, there's I don't know 20 30 police officers on scene.
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: We have a big armed uh bearcat, which is a big armored car.
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: Uh, some members of the SWAT team were there and and I'm feeding this information to this guy, this cop and this cop's on the loudspeaker talking to the suspect, and the suspect is making these demands.
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: He's like hey, I want a pizza, I want this.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: And they're like all right, we'll get you a pizza.
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: I want the lights turned.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I want, you know, I want to turn my lights back on.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: Well, we can't do that, but what we can do is we can compromise and do this.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: I want a helicopter, I want this, I want that, I want this, says the suspect.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: Well, finally, the negotiator got tired and he's like look, this is over the loudspeaker.
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: He's like look, I get what you want.
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: I want a full head of hair and a 10 inch dick, but I'm not getting it.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: So we're going to have to compromise on something else.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: And like for this to come across the loudspeaker and I'm brand new in my career.
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like holy hell, what kind of place am I working in?
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Everybody was laughing, it was fun and ultimately the guy kind of de-escalated.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: The guy turned himself in and we were able to move on to another day, but anyway.
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: So I thought about that when I saw the guy today and I'm like that was a funny moment back in my career.
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: You know, remember all the good stuff.
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: Rarely do we remember the negative.
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: You know, in something like at least in my situation, right, I don't remember all the shitty days where I just wanted to do anything else except law enforcement, where I prayed for another job that paid me similar and allowed me to have some vacation time with my family, and you know how much I didn't like it.
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: I don't remember those days.
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: I just remember the days I got to help people along the way.
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, I don't have a ton to say tonight, but I just wanted to educate you guys and let you guys know that this is the end of my journey with a parasitic city.
• 22:50
  Speaker 1: Now it's up to me from here to change my heart and my mind.
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: I don't have to forgive, forget.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: I don't know these people that are behind me.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: The longer I hold grudges, the longer I hold animosity, just the darker my heart is going to be Moving forward.
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I want to heal.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a process.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a process.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: It's going to be a lot of therapy, but I'm up for it.
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: Thank you, guys, if you've stuck around with me this long.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Thank you so, so much.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: If you've been in this situation, if you have some insight that I'm unaware of, please email me at murders2music at gmailcom.
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: That's murders, the number two music at gmailcom.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: Tell me what's next.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: Tell me how you got through it, share some insight, help a brother out.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: This is a conversation.
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: It's two-way, not one-way.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: Please reach out to me and let me know if you guys have any insight for me.
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: I love you guys so much.
• 23:46
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for sticking around.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Remember, all he wanted was a full head of hair and a 10 inch dick.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: That is the Murders to Music podcast.