Latest / Women at Work: Career, Leadership & Modern Work / Why Women Stop Asking Questions in Meetings
Transcript
- Lucas: So there's this moment in meetings that I've noticed — and maybe you have too — where someone asks a question, and the room kind of shifts. But depending on who's asking, the shift is completely different. Luna: You mean like if a man asks versus a woman asks? Lucas: Exactly. There's actually a study from Harvard Business Review a couple years back that looked at this. They found that in professional settings, women ask about 40 percent fewer questions than men. And it's not because they don't have them — it's because they've learned that asking comes with a cost. Luna: A cost? Like what, being seen as less competent? Lucas: That's exactly it. The researchers ran an experiment where they had actors ask questions in a simulated meeting. Same question, same tone. But when a woman asked it, observers rated her as less competent and less confident. When a man asked the identical question, he was seen as engaged and curious. Double standard, plain and simple. Luna: That's infuriating but not surprising. I remember early in my career, I'd hold back questions because I didn't want to seem like I didn't know something. But my male colleagues would just fire away. Lucas: Right. And the irony is, asking questions is how you learn and how you get visibility. So women are penalized for doing exactly what would help them advance. The study also found that this gap widens around mid-career — women in their thirties and forties ask even fewer questions than younger women. Luna: That tracks with the confidence gap we talked about in episode four, but it's more specific. It's about the act of speaking up in a group, not just negotiating salary. Lucas: Exactly. And there's a really telling detail from the research. They asked participants why they didn't ask questions. Women said things like 'I didn't want to take up too much time' or 'I thought my question might be stupid.' Men said 'I didn't have any questions' — but they asked more anyway. Luna: So it's about perception versus reality. Women are filtering themselves based on a fear that doesn't always match the actual reception. Lucas: Right. And there's also the 'question penalty' that compounds over time. If you're in a meeting where a woman asks a question and gets a dismissive response — even a subtle one, like an eye roll or a quick 'we'll cover that later' — she's less likely to ask again. And that builds. Luna: Yeah, I've had that. I once asked a clarifying question in a product review, and the lead engineer said, 'That's in the spec, you should read it.' I didn't ask another question in that meeting. Lucas: And that's the thing — it's not just about individual behavior, it's about the culture of the room. The researchers found that in teams where leaders actively encouraged questions, the gender gap shrank. But most leaders don't do that. Luna: So what's the fix? Should women just ask more questions despite the penalty? Lucas: I think that's part of it, but it's not the whole story. There's a great piece by a woman named Jessica Klebahn, who teaches at UC Berkeley, about 'question-asking confidence.' She suggests reframing questions as contributions — not as admissions of ignorance. When you ask a question, you're actually helping the group clarify something. Luna: That's a powerful frame. But it still puts the burden on women to change their behavior, not on the system. Lucas: True. And the system needs to change too. But I think there are tactical things women can do in the meantime. For example, preparing a question ahead of time — writing it down — makes it feel less risky. Also, asking questions that build on someone else's point, which feels more collaborative. Luna: I've also seen women use 'I'm curious about...' as a softer opener. But honestly, I wish we didn't have to do that. Lucas: Yeah, that's the ideal — a world where a question is just a question. But until then, there's also the role of allies. Men in meetings can actively create space for women to ask questions. Like, after a presentation, a male leader can say 'What questions do we have?' and then pause and look at the women in the room. Luna: That's subtle but effective. And it signals that questions are welcome from everyone. Lucas: There's also a really interesting data point from a 2025 study on virtual meetings. They found that in Zoom meetings, women asked more questions than in person — probably because the chat feature lowers the barrier. But then those questions were often ignored. Luna: So even when women do ask, they're not being heard. That's a whole other layer. Lucas: Exactly. So the issue isn't just about asking — it's about response. And that's where managers have a huge role. If someone asks a question in the chat, call it out. Say 'Great question from Sarah, let's address that.' Luna: That takes almost no effort but validates the person and encourages others. Lucas: And it builds a norm. If you do that consistently, people start to feel safer asking. The Harvard study actually showed that in teams with high psychological safety, the question-asking gap disappeared almost entirely. Luna: So it's possible. It's just not the default. Lucas: Right. And I think for women listening, one takeaway is to pay attention to your own internal filter. Next time you're in a meeting and you have a question, notice if you're talking yourself out of it. And then ask it anyway — at least once. Luna: That's good advice. And also, notice when someone else's question gets dismissed — and speak up for them. Lucas: Yeah, that's a form of allyship that doesn't get talked about enough. Defend the question, not just the person. Luna: Alright, switching gears slightly — but actually, this topic reminds me of something. We talk a lot about making workplaces better, and this show exists because we believe these conversations matter. And honestly, the reason we can keep having them without ads or sponsors is because of listeners who chip in. Lucas: Yeah, it's a small group — but every month, a handful of people support us through buy me a coffee dot com slash fexingo. And that literally covers the production costs. It's not a big ask, just if the show has helped you think about your career or your team differently, that's the way to keep it going. Luna: Exactly. No pressure, just if it's valuable to you. And we really appreciate those who do. Lucas: So back to the question gap — one thing that came up in the research is that women are more likely to ask questions in smaller groups or one-on-ones. So if you're struggling to speak up in big meetings, try converting that question into a follow-up conversation after. Luna: That's a practical workaround. But it also means you're not getting the visibility in the room. Lucas: True. But at least you get the answer. And over time, as you build relationships, you might feel more comfortable asking in the larger setting. Luna: I think the bottom line is that asking questions is a skill and a right — and it shouldn't be gendered. The fact that it still is tells us a lot about where we are in workplace equality. Lucas: Yeah. And the good news is, this is fixable. It just takes awareness and a little bit of intentionality from everyone in the room.