Latest / Create The Best Me / How to Date After 40, 50, 60+ (Repel Mr. Wrong and Attract Mr. Right)

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How to Date After 40, 50, 60+ (Repel Mr. Wrong and Attract Mr. Right) · Create The Best Me

• 0:00
  That, I think that's one of the, patterns, challenges, especially with women that we date potentials.
• 0:08
  You know, I see this often where women will say to me, I just met a guy.
• 0:11
  I'm so excited.
• 0:12
  And they're looking at all the green flags, but they're not necessarily paying attention to some of the things that are really not a fit for them.
• 0:21
  And if you're going into a relationship where there's something that is so not a fit and there's a part of you that is hoping that they'll change, that's just a recipe for disaster.
• 0:31
  what made you bet on love again?
• 0:33
  You know, cause you were in a relationship that was not fair to you or him.
• 0:40
  And then you found this amazing relationship.
• 0:43
  But then that ended due to him passing.
• 0:46
  Then you got in another relationship and that wasn't the right relationship.
• 0:50
  What inspired you to try again?
• 0:53
  Welcome back to another exciting episode of Create the Best Me.
• 0:56
  I am your host, Carmen Hecox, and today we have a special guest who's all about love, empowerment, and the magic of self-discovery.
• 1:06
  Joining us is the incredible Junie Moon.
• 1:10
  Best selling author and the love coach extraordinaire behind Midlife Love Out Loud.
• 1:17
  Today, we're diving into a topic that sparks hope and curiosity, finding love after 40.
• 1:24
  Whether you're looking to rekindle passion or finding love for the first time, Junie's insights are here to show us that it's never too late for a love story.
• 1:36
  Let's get started.
• 1:39
  Junie Moon, welcome to Create The Best Me.
• 1:42
  Girl, you are my sister from another mister.
• 1:45
  I totally love you and I'm so happy to have you on the show.
• 1:49
  Oh my God, thank you.
• 1:50
  Thank you.
• 1:51
  I feel the same sister.
• 1:52
  So good to be here.
• 1:54
  So for some of the people that may not know you, I don't know where in the world they've been.
• 1:59
  Can you please please tell us little bit about who you are and what you do?
• 2:05
  Oh, that was so, that's so sweet.
• 2:09
  Well, these days I call myself a love coach and how, like, what does that mean?
• 2:14
  What does that mean?
• 2:14
  Well, let's start with what I do.
• 2:16
  I I have a great life.
• 2:18
  I love my life.
• 2:20
  Uh, I wake up excited for my life and I help a lot of people experience the same.
• 2:28
  So what does that mean?
• 2:29
  What that means is it's the second half of life.
• 2:31
  I turned 60 and I'm looking at the trajectory of my life and kind of going, This is exciting.
• 2:38
  I have choice.
• 2:39
  I have self-esteem.
• 2:40
  I have my voice.
• 2:41
  I feel empowered and strong and clear.
• 2:43
  However, that wasn't necessarily how I felt most of my life.
• 2:48
  After being bullied as a kid, after losing my dad at fourteen and feeling like I could never rely on anybody, especially the masculine, and then being in a 20 year marriage, which of course had some really amazing parts to it, but just a lot of heartbreak because I was walking on eggshells and just was afraid.
• 3:07
  I would just had so much fear and I would eat so much food and I was 200 pounds and five foot three.
• 3:13
  And so I, I really struggle for a long, long time.
• 3:18
  really feeling comfortable in my own skin and just being happy being me.
• 3:22
  And so I hit rock bottom found a body of work called shadow work, got trained in it, changed my life.
• 3:29
  And now I've experienced what I call next level love, not only with myself, my inner soulmate, however I have discovered next level love with, you know, a partner and, uh, and multiple partners and experience what it's like to just be myself and love it and not have to second guess myself.
• 3:49
  And so it's my total honor and privilege to help other women rise and embrace their life fully, whether they want a partner or not.
• 3:58
  It's about partnering ourselves and having an extraordinary life.
• 4:02
  So that's, that's a, uh, a little blip of my journey and who I am and and what I do.
• 4:10
  Well, let me first start off by saying you look amazing.
• 4:14
  If you wouldn't have said you were sixty, I would have never guessed it.
• 4:20
  I don't know, you got some good genes.
• 4:22
  You know, I do.
• 4:24
  I'm really grateful.
• 4:25
  I, you know, my grandmother, when she was 97, she hardly had any wrinkles.
• 4:28
  My mother hardly has any wrinkles.
• 4:30
  You know, let's, let's be real.
• 4:32
  I want to be like totally real.
• 4:34
  That that's my, that's my secret sauce.
• 4:35
  I'm like totally authentic and real.
• 4:37
  I look in the mirror sometimes and I'm like, what, what is this?
• 4:40
  Or, you know, on video, I'll look at my neck and I'll be like, oh, I look old.
• 4:45
  But then I'm like, this is the freakin programming that has me second guess how vibrant I am or how beautiful I am and makes me feel less than in those moments.
• 4:57
  And I'm like this, I am so much more than a little loose skin.
• 5:01
  And I'm 60 and what does that mean?
• 5:04
  And so I am doing my best to embrace all the changes in my body.
• 5:10
  And sometimes there are moments, you know, there are moments where I'm like, well, I do not look the same in the clothes I used to look.
• 5:16
  My body has shifted.
• 5:18
  That has gone in different places, you know.
• 5:21
  But I don't hate on myself and I don't rake myself over the coals.
• 5:24
  I just am being the best version of myself that I can be.
• 5:30
  Beautiful.
• 5:31
  When, when did you decide to walk out of your marriage, or when did you decide this is it?
• 5:37
  I'm done.
• 5:38
  Yeah, you know, it was a slow burn, so to speak.
• 5:42
  There, there were heartbreaking moments of, not being treated well or being bullied by my husband at the time.
• 5:50
  Um, had a very challenging child, very challenging child.
• 5:55
  And there were just so many moments that were like, this doesn't feel right.
• 6:00
  And my terror of speaking up, my terror of voicing my opinions.
• 6:05
  So, you know, through the years it was like, this, this doesn't feel healthy, this doesn't feel comfortable.
• 6:11
  But I really didn't know uh, what to do about it.
• 6:14
  You know, so I did workshops.
• 6:15
  I read books.
• 6:16
  I learned.
• 6:17
  So over time, I was waking up slowly, but then there was a moment, there was a big moment after I had done a lot of deep shadow work and really started to like claim my power, claim my voice, still scared, but much better.
• 6:33
  There was a moment that, um, my husband, I'll call him my wusband, uh, six foot man hovering over my 12 year old who was being bullied at school as well and was coming home just feeling so defeated and scared and all that jazz.
• 6:53
  And there was my wusband kind of bullying my kid because he was having a bad day and I just witnessed it.
• 7:02
  And for the first time I just was like, that's enough.
• 7:06
  And I stood between the two of them.
• 7:08
  And that was not easy cause I was trained I was trained to not do that in front of my son.
• 7:16
  I was trained by my wusband, don't treat me like another kid that takes away my power as, a as a, as a father.
• 7:24
  But then I realized, wait a second, he is acting like a fucking kid.
• 7:27
  Oh, I, was that okay?
• 7:28
  I hope that was okay.
• 7:30
  I just dropped a, an F bomb.
• 7:31
  I just wanted to make sure we're still together.
• 7:33
  Okay.
• 7:34
  So anyway, uh, and so I stepped in between them and I just said, enough.
• 7:39
  We need to take a break here.
• 7:40
  You know, time out.
• 7:42
  And I didn't care at that moment.
• 7:43
  It was like, I needed to protect my kid in a different way.
• 7:47
  And that was the straw.
• 7:49
  And then from that point on, I'm like, okay, exit plan.
• 7:52
  I mean, I had begged for help for both of us.
• 7:54
  I had begged for us to like, you know, do something about our dysfunctional relationship.
• 8:00
  But you know, he wasn't willing to stand in the fire.
• 8:03
  He wasn't ready to do the work, you know, he just wasn't ready.
• 8:08
  And so at that point it was like, okay, this isn't working.
• 8:11
  And yeah, I asked for a divorce and it wasn't because of my son.
• 8:15
  It was just a, a bunch of things that just kind of came to a head.
• 8:19
  And I realized this is not the life I will want to live for the next twenty, thirty, forty years.
• 8:26
  This is not the partner that I want to be with.
• 8:28
  I am not being treated the way I deserve to be treated.
• 8:31
  Because now I knew I wanted to be treated like the queen I am and to be taken care of the way I deserve to be taken care of and honored and respected.
• 8:41
  And, uh, and I stood my ground and I said, yeah, this isn't working.
• 8:45
  And we moved our separate ways.
• 8:49
  And so how old were you when this occurred?
• 8:51
  When you finally had this wake up moment?
• 8:54
  That's a good question.
• 8:56
  Well, it was 2010 so fourteen years ago.
• 8:59
  Um, I'm sixty, so what is that?
• 9:03
  don't make me do math..
• 9:05
  I know, don't don't ask me my college professor said, always use a calculator.
• 9:10
  So forty-six I guess right.
• 9:11
  Forty-six So you were in your 40s Yeah At that time, what did you do?
• 9:16
  Once you walked away, what did you do for Junie?
• 9:21
  Well first, let's say it, you know, again, it was really step-by-step.
• 9:28
  You know, we all have our journeys.
• 9:30
  And I think for anybody's watching or listening, it's like, we all have our journey with ourself, with our partners.
• 9:37
  And find what works for you.
• 9:40
  Ultimately when I said I was done, he wanted to do therapy.
• 9:45
  I was already in therapy, getting supported, and I wanted nothing to do with therapy.
• 9:50
  I was so done, but my therapist, interestingly enough, said, I think you should do the couples counseling.
• 9:56
  I'm like, what do you mean?
• 9:57
  I've been begging for years.
• 9:59
  And she's like, there's always going to be a part of you that's going to wonder if you don't do it.
• 10:04
  And still I was resistant and then she said the magic words, she said, and it won't be long, you'll know really soon out the gate in a couple of months, you'll know if it's going to work.
• 10:15
  So, long story short, that's what we did and it was very clear that there was no way this was going to happen.
• 10:21
  And then we sat down and we kind of figured it all out.
• 10:25
  And very soon out the gate, I bought a house.
• 10:28
  I moved out and bought a house.
• 10:30
  But here's the thing.
• 10:31
  It's not about what I did logistically, it was how I supported myself to do it.
• 10:37
  I had a mentor.
• 10:38
  I had somebody guiding me.
• 10:41
  Helping me with my blind spots because I had blind spots.
• 10:44
  She knew some of my patterns, some of my fears, some of my abandonment of myself.
• 10:52
  And, uh, and so she really helped me step-by-step.
• 10:56
  And I, you know, I had good support systems.
• 10:58
  I continued to do the deep inner work that was necessary to claim this second chapter of my life.
• 11:05
  And it was full speed ahead.
• 11:06
  Truly it was full speed ahead.
• 11:08
  As soon as I was like, I'm done.
• 11:11
  That clarity, that, uh, that deep honoring.
• 11:15
  of myself and saying, I want better for myself.
• 11:19
  I want different for myself.
• 11:22
  It was, it was, it was great.
• 11:25
  It was great.
• 11:25
  And I just moved forward creating the next chapter of my life And so when did you know that you were ready to start dating or get into another relationship?
• 11:37
  Well, that's an interesting thing.
• 11:39
  Um, and again, we all have our journeys here.
• 11:43
  So like, you know, So, in general, like when I talk to my clients about when to start, and again, I support them wherever they are.
• 11:51
  There is some time to come home to yourself and to figure out who you are now, before you jump into another relationship, because you're going to just bring all the old patterns and all the old crap with you, all the programming that you've picked up, all the beliefs you've picked up about relationship and partnership and bring it to the next relationship.
• 12:12
  So in general, I say you need to do the unpacking.
• 12:14
  You need to do the healing work.
• 12:17
  I had a little bit of a different journey.
• 12:20
  So I usually don't talk about this, but I'm just going to be completely real and transparent.
• 12:25
  My wusband and I at some point in our, our relationship opened up our relationship.
• 12:31
  So we started having kind of a different type of relationship, which meant I was kind of dating when we were in our marriage.
• 12:41
  You know, so again, this is my journey.
• 12:44
  And so I actually met somebody, the greatest love of my life, truly, while we were married.
• 12:51
  I didn't date him until I was divorced.
• 12:53
  However, once I was divorced, he asked me out.
• 12:57
  I started dating him right away and we had a four and a half year relationship.
• 13:01
  It ended for circumstances, not because of our love.
• 13:03
  He's actually not here anymore on the planet that was one of the factors.
• 13:07
  He was a very sick man.
• 13:08
  And again, long, long story.
• 13:10
  But the bottom line is, is I started dating soon out the gate, but here's the thing, and again, it's not a straight line.
• 13:18
  We were learning and growing and trying on new shoes and clothes all the time.
• 13:23
  Right?
• 13:23
  What works?
• 13:23
  What feels right?
• 13:24
  So that was an amazing experience that I based my work on next level love.
• 13:30
  I could, could just be myself.
• 13:32
  He adored me.
• 13:33
  We were just the most amazing partners.
• 13:36
  The next relationship I jumped right into, didn't take time after that one to unpack, to come home and I found myself down the rabbit hole, similar to my wusband.
• 13:49
  That's when I took the break and that's when I said, okay, there are some blind spots, there's some healing to be had.
• 13:56
  And I took a year and a half and I did some deep dive work with a love coach that helped me really look at my shadows.
• 14:02
  Look at the things that were running me, the old beliefs, the fears that had me walking on eggshells again.
• 14:09
  Because when I found myself in another relationship, similar to my wusband, it broke my heart.
• 14:15
  I thought I was at that place where I'm like, yeah, I got this down.
• 14:20
  Look what the relationship I just had.
• 14:22
  I could pop into another relationship and it was devastating and painful.
• 14:28
  And so from that point on, after doing that work and doing the deep transformational shifting.
• 14:36
  That's when everything changed for me.
• 14:39
  Wow, that's pretty amazing that, you were able to work through that within a year.
• 14:44
  Did you say it was a year and a half?
• 14:45
  Year and a half, yeah.
• 14:47
  Cause I mean, like for myself, I, it took me about, oh my goodness, like twenty some years to do that work.
• 14:56
  I'm still doing the work.
• 14:59
  You know?
• 14:59
  It's you know it's layers and layers.
• 15:02
  I do shadow work.
• 15:03
  I don't know, you know, your journey, what I'll just share about my journey and the work that I do.
• 15:08
  Shadow work goes deeply.
• 15:10
  Shadow work is so deeply transformative.
• 15:13
  There are so many modalities out there that people try, and I'm not putting them down in any way.
• 15:19
  However, It's like the neck up.
• 15:21
  We can see why we have the patterns.
• 15:25
  We can go, oh, my mother was this, my father was this, this was the relationship.
• 15:29
  We can feel more informed.
• 15:31
  We can feel more empowered and alive and all those things.
• 15:37
  And if we haven't gone past the conscious mind, which most modalities stay with, if we haven't gotten into the 95 percent of your operating system, of all the stuff you've accumulated through your decades of living, all the things you've witnessed, all the things you've experienced around love and relationship and self-love, it's still there.
• 15:59
  It's still there and it's just waiting for that moment of challenge where you're going to come out sideways.
• 16:06
  And again, I'm still working it, trust me, I'm still working it.
• 16:09
  However, if there's something that comes up in a relationship, there's a moment or an hour, maybe a few hours.
• 16:18
  However, I've got the tools.
• 16:19
  I know how to shift.
• 16:20
  I'm not going to shove it down.
• 16:22
  I'm not going to push it away.
• 16:23
  I'm going to be consciously and conscious in how I proceed.
• 16:30
  And that's what I do with my clients.
• 16:32
  You know, like I have this one process I help my clients with.
• 16:36
  It's called ''clean talk''.
• 16:38
  It's a special way of communicating to somebody when there's conflict, because most of us don't feel comfortable with conflict.
• 16:46
  I know I don't like conflict.
• 16:48
  However, when there's charge, when there's, you know, two people that are in it and there's a lot of emotion, there's a lot of defense.
• 16:57
  There's a lot of things that can really, um, accelerate the drama.
• 17:04
  However, if you know, this particular skill, it still can be uncomfortable.
• 17:09
  However, it's a process that helps people speak in a certain way that allows the other person to not get so defensive where they can actually hear you because at the end of the day, we just want to be heard and witnessed and seen, feel really like somebody's present and not just on the defense to show them, show us their side of it.
• 17:31
  And so I have this, toolbox now, this relationship toolbox.
• 17:36
  And when I need it it's there.
• 17:39
  And when my clients are challenged with whether it's having a difficult conversation or they're bumping up against their fear of some sort, it's like we unpack it, we shift it, we heal it.
• 17:51
  So yeah, you know, twenty years, five years, two years, two months I mean, it's a journey and the shadow work is just, magnificent.
• 18:01
  It's just such powerful work to help us really heal what's behind the curtains, so to speak.
• 18:10
  Yeah.
• 18:10
  And I think, what's really important is that, when you're talking to somebody you know, because there's some kind of disagreement between the two, or maybe you're not on the same page, is that, I think you need to look deeply into it.
• 18:24
  Don't plan on changing the person.
• 18:29
  Think of, resolving the conflict, on figuring out how you and the other person can come to the, to see things in the same light, per se.
• 18:41
  Because if you're thinking, okay, well, you know what, this person, has this issue, but I can fix them.
• 18:48
  There is no fixing.
• 18:50
  You can't fix anybody.
• 18:52
  Yeah.
• 18:52
  That, I think that's one of the, patterns, challenges, especially with women that we date potentials.
• 19:00
  You know, I see this often where women will say to me, I just met a guy.
• 19:04
  I'm so excited.
• 19:05
  And they're looking at all the green flags, but they're not necessarily paying attention to some of the things that are really not a fit for them.
• 19:14
  And if you're going into a relationship where there's something that is so not a fit and there's a part of you that is hoping that they'll change, that's just a recipe for disaster.
• 19:24
  And again, it's like, how much more time do we want to waste on Mr.
• 19:28
  Wrong you know?
• 19:30
  So yeah, we don't want to fix anybody.
• 19:32
  However, in this particular style or, tool of communication.
• 19:38
  It's an invitation for a person to understand what's going on inside of us and an invitation to do things differently, not because we want to fix them, but because now they understand that when they did something or didn't show up in some way, or said something that was hurtful and you share, not pointing and blaming and saying you're bad.
• 20:02
  But hey, when this happened, this was my experience.
• 20:07
  This was my feeling around it might you do this differently next time?
• 20:12
  Is that possible?
• 20:14
  Then they have the opportunity to decide and they can literally say, nah.
• 20:19
  That's never going to happen.
• 20:20
  This is how I am.
• 20:22
  And then you have to decide, can you accept that or not?
• 20:25
  Cause as long as you're in the well, maybe, or if only, I mean, that's exhausting.
• 20:29
  So yeah, no fixing.
• 20:32
  There's be you, love your life, share your journey, share your pain.
• 20:39
  And if they can truly honor where you're at, hold the space for you and lean in.
• 20:45
  And if that's what works for you, great.
• 20:47
  But if it doesn't, you know, don't stay.
• 20:49
  Don't stay.
• 20:51
  Tell me what made you bet on love again?
• 20:53
  You know, cause you were in a relationship that was not fair to you or him.
• 20:59
  And then you found this amazing relationship.
• 21:02
  But then that ended due to him passing.
• 21:06
  Then you got in another relationship and that wasn't the right relationship.
• 21:10
  What inspired you to try again?
• 21:12
  Bet on love.
• 21:13
  Yeah.
• 21:13
  I love that.
• 21:14
  Why did, why did I continue?
• 21:15
  Well, first of all, just for, for, transparency again, he didn't die while we were together.
• 21:20
  It was after.
• 21:21
  However, I just wanted to like say that.
• 21:24
  Hah I love love.
• 21:27
  I love love.
• 21:28
  I love relationship.
• 21:30
  I think it is the crucible for massive personal growth work.
• 21:36
  I think it's the perfect container to have the best ever life, in my opinion.
• 21:43
  For me, for me, I'm going to say.
• 21:45
  Because not everybody wants to have a partnership.
• 21:47
  There are some people that truly, truly, truly want to go solo and have a solo life.
• 21:54
  And that is, that is another way to do life.
• 21:57
  You know, there's nothing wrong with that at all.
• 21:59
  I always caution or, offer to people that have you fleshed out the, unconscious realm that might have you thinking you want to be solo because there's a part of you that might be scared of opening up your heart again.
• 22:13
  Cause, I see that more than not.
• 22:15
  However, there are people that are like, no, I really, the way I am and how I do life, I want to be solo.
• 22:21
  That is not my journey.
• 22:22
  I believe love is our birthright.
• 22:25
  I believe partnership accelerates and enhances our life when you have the right person.
• 22:32
  And so for anyone that might be thinking, I don't I just want to do the solo life.
• 22:38
  I like my life without.
• 22:40
  I don't want to bet on love again.
• 22:42
  I am just not going to go there.
• 22:44
  I'm going to just stick with what I have.
• 22:45
  I love my life.
• 22:47
  Awesome.
• 22:47
  I just offer the question.
• 22:49
  If you had somebody come along that really fits.
• 22:54
  That enhanced, that brought more joy and more support and more fun into your life, would you want it?
• 23:01
  Cause that's the question.
• 23:02
  And for me, that is my answer, absolutely.
• 23:06
  And I am consciously single right now.
• 23:08
  I let go of another relationship a couple of years ago.
• 23:11
  And I am consciously single in the sense of I don't want just anybody.
• 23:17
  I had a wonderful next level love relationship the one I left you know.
• 23:20
  It just wasn't my longterm partner for lots of different reasons.
• 23:25
  And I believe there are relationships for different seasons as well.
• 23:29
  And frankly, that was a COVID season and it was what it was.
• 23:33
  So betting on love, I don't even see it as betting as much as I love love.
• 23:39
  And I look forward to finding my next greatest love and may it go the distance..
• 23:48
  May he be my everything for the long term.
• 23:52
  However, I don't even think like that.
• 23:53
  I really look for someone who I can enjoy my life with.
• 23:58
  And yeah, I love love.
• 24:01
  It's the greatest freakin thing when it's healthy when it's healthy.
• 24:05
  And the reason I brought that up about, I call it bet on love is because I was scared to get into another relationship because I honestly believed in my mind, my belief system was that I would fall into the relationship that broke me into two.
• 24:22
  And it wasn't until I remember my stepfather died of esophageal cancer.
• 24:27
  And I remember seeing him in his dying bed and he looked at my mom and he said, babe, it's just you and me.
• 24:34
  It's just you and me.
• 24:35
  You know, he had his children from his prior marriage.
• 24:39
  My mom had us from her marriage.
• 24:41
  He said, it's just you and me, babe.
• 24:45
  And those words resonated with me.
• 24:47
  I thought, geez, they're older than me and they bet on love and here she is holding him in his most critical time of his life.
• 24:58
  And I thought I could be him.
• 25:01
  Do I have somebody there to support me in this journey of leaving this world?
• 25:07
  And at that time I was in my late 30s and I thought, I need to get out there and bet on love.
• 25:15
  I'll go out there and I will search and if I dated a bunch of frogs and never found Prince Charming, then at least I bet, I took, I gambled.
• 25:26
  Yeah, and you know, I said I didn't bet.
• 25:29
  However as you're talking and I'm thinking about the concept of betting and the gambling love Is risky business.
• 25:36
  You know gambling putting your money on the the whatever table with black and white whatever the roulette whatever the betting thing is.
• 25:45
  You know it's a risk that you take because if you take the risk then who knows what's going to happen If you don't take the risk, you'll never know.
• 25:52
  And in the shadow work that you know, the body of work that I mostly do, we say that we use the word risk a lot because it may or may not happen.
• 26:02
  And you have to really flesh out what is risky about love.
• 26:06
  And what's risky if you don't go for it and decide is it worth the risk?
• 26:12
  Is it worth the bet?
• 26:13
  And we know that there is the chance of heartbreak?
• 26:17
  There is the chance of somebody dying.
• 26:20
  There is the chance of somebody leaving you know, it is a risk and I choose to risk it.
• 26:27
  All the time, because I love what is possible.
• 26:32
  I love what it potentially brings to me.
• 26:36
  So with my tools, with my discernment, I don't kiss a lot of frogs anymore because I know how to date.
• 26:42
  And that's one of the things I help my clients with is how do you represent yourself online?
• 26:48
  How do you, you know, manage your online journey?
• 26:51
  And at the end of the day, if you haven't unpacked and started with your inner work and inner self, you're not even going to know how to do it well.
• 26:58
  You're not going know how to, write a good profile where the right people come in.
• 27:02
  Yeah, there's going to be a lot of freakin frogs and scammers.
• 27:05
  However, if you know how to do it, then it's a lot less risky.
• 27:10
  You're going to have higher quality people showing up because you're magnetizing a higher quality man, because you've done the inner work and you're so much clearer and you don't need him, you have you.
• 27:24
  And when you have you, then somebody comes and they add to your life.
• 27:29
  So risky?
• 27:30
  Yeah.
• 27:31
  Maybe I'll get my heart broken again.
• 27:34
  Most likely it will happen because life happens like that.
• 27:38
  We have heartbreak on a regular basis, people die, all that jazz.
• 27:42
  But it's worth a risk for me, worth the risk for me.
• 27:45
  And you know, it's interesting because something happened actually right before we came on, like 10 minutes before we started recording.
• 27:51
  Somebody that I was dating about a year and a few months ago, um, reached out to me and asked me out for dinner.
• 27:58
  And I'm like, hmm, interesting.
• 28:01
  Cause it was COVID times.
• 28:02
  It was tumultuous.
• 28:03
  There were some things that went down.
• 28:05
  There were things that happened when we broke up.
• 28:09
  And he broke up with me, which I still laugh at.
• 28:12
  I'm like, wow, that was so interesting.
• 28:14
  Like, that's not my ego, like, oh my God, he broke up with me.
• 28:16
  But it was like, what just happened here?
• 28:18
  Cause I, I really thought we were doing really well.
• 28:21
  And he had a moment with something that was going on.
• 28:23
  And, so as I said yes to the dinner, cause I'm like, yeah, sure why not?
• 28:27
  You know, if he has any intention of continuing to date me, we have to have a conversation about what happened.
• 28:34
  And so how do you lower risk?
• 28:37
  Again, the tools, I'm not going to sweep that under the rug and not believe that he pulled the rug out from underneath me a year and a half ago, a few days before Valentine's Day.
• 28:47
  Like this has to have a conversation, right?
• 28:50
  But there were extenuating circumstances that has allowed me to go, yeah, I'll have dinner with him.
• 28:56
  It wasn't, you know, there were things.
• 28:58
  But again, how do we assess risk and how do we take a chance on love?
• 29:05
  And is it worth it?
• 29:06
  And I so believe it's worth it.
• 29:08
  There's so much upside and doing it well lowers the risk.
• 29:13
  Yeah, and I know that when I decided it was time for me to take that risk to gamble, I know that I told myself, what am I looking for?
• 29:23
  What are the must and what are the have nots?
• 29:26
  You know, I'm not, definitely not going to settle for this never settle.
• 29:29
  And I, you know, you do that little graph where you say do's and don'ts.
• 29:34
  And I did.
• 29:35
  And I said, this is what must, and this is what I absolutely will not have.
• 29:41
  And then I built a profile and looked for people that were within the must.
• 29:49
  And when I dated, because some people lie, some people do lie, and I saw the absolutely no's, that was it, we didn't date anymore.
• 29:57
  So that's why I say I kissed some frogs before I found Prince Charming.
• 30:02
  Yeah, and we have to, you know, I encourage people to do dating research.
• 30:07
  You know, like get out there, notice how you're feeling.
• 30:10
  What are the things that make you happy and feel comfortable?
• 30:13
  What are the things that are like, hmm, I'm not so sure about that.
• 30:15
  And is it, the person or are there some stories you're bringing to the table?
• 30:21
  And again, it's, it's time and it's a journey and getting clear about your must haves and must nots and all that is important.
• 30:28
  I mean, I was working with a client just a few days ago cause she's, she's written a profile and it was a fine profile.
• 30:34
  However, we did this exercise, it's called the Relationship Blueprint Exercise, where we drill down into what is most important for her to have in a relationship.
• 30:44
  What is most important to, to feel in a relationship.
• 30:48
  And so a lot of the common things that people say, you know, I want somebody who likes to travel.
• 30:54
  Or that wants to, Netflix all weekend or whatever it is that makes you happy.
• 30:59
  And so you have the yeses and the no's of the wants and the no's.
• 31:03
  However, this particular process, we drill down to a few, several layers into each thing.
• 31:10
  How does it look?
• 31:11
  How does it feel?
• 31:12
  What are the components?
• 31:14
  What if he says he likes to travel but only once a year?
• 31:17
  What if he doesn't want to cohabitate?
• 31:19
  What does that look like?
• 31:20
  Like, to get so crystal clear.
• 31:23
  And then taking that and bringing some of the most important aspects that you want to see in a partner and kind of thread it into a profile in a way that they can go, oh, that's my girl versus, oh, she likes to travel like me.
• 31:38
  I mean, you know, it's like how to craft a profile is to know yourself and all the layers down.
• 31:45
  And really, like you said, like deal breakers, no way.
• 31:50
  And then even to question your deal breakers well, what if, what if, what if?
• 31:55
  I mean, we need to spend that time.
• 31:57
  And that's why I'm always in such deep support of people, spending time, getting to know themselves, dating themselves, becoming their soulmate, their own inner soulmate, because that is what's going to fill you up and make you the most vibrant, attractive person to call in a person that's vibing at the same level as you.
• 32:18
  Yeah, and I think another thing that a lot of people need to also pay attention to, because I did, is if you go out to dinner, how are they treating other people?
• 32:27
  Because they're always on their best behavior with you, because they're trying to impress you.
• 32:31
  But how do they treat the waiter?
• 32:33
  How do they treat the hostess?
• 32:34
  How do they treat, you know, if somebody calls them on the phone and they're on the phone with someone, you know, pay attention to all those things because that's going to be you in a couple of months or maybe a couple of years.
• 32:47
  And so don't think that you're special that, oh, well, they would never treat me this way.
• 32:51
  They will.
• 32:52
  Yeah, yeah.
• 32:54
  And what they show and what they say, believe them.
• 32:58
  If they say that they're not into a long term relationship, believe them.
• 33:04
  Don't go, well, when we fall in love, they're going to want to be with me forever.
• 33:09
  You know, really listen to what they're saying.
• 33:12
  I remember many, many years ago, I was on a date and I really liked him.
• 33:16
  I still think about this guy, I don't remember his name or anything at this point.
• 33:19
  But I really, really liked him and we had so much fun.
• 33:22
  And on that date, he said, I have no idea what I'm looking for.
• 33:26
  I don't really think I'm ready for a relationship.
• 33:29
  And that was our last date because he was not in the same place as I was.
• 33:35
  And I literally said, keep me in mind, you know, if things change, but I wasn't going to date a possibility.
• 33:41
  My life is too precious and I don't want somebody that is half in and half out.
• 33:45
  That's not going to work for me.
• 33:46
  So you need to know what works for you.
• 33:48
  Maybe that does work for you.
• 33:49
  Maybe you're like, well, you know what, in this stage I actually am not sure.
• 33:53
  Maybe I will have a few different people in my life.
• 33:56
  I mean, I said I was in an open relationship, but I am very monogamous.
• 33:59
  You know, that was a chapter and after meeting that man, after the four and a half year man that I, totally loved.
• 34:07
  I was like, this is the kind of relationship that juices me, diving deep with one person and that deep commitment.
• 34:14
  So no, I, I didn't want that half in half out.
• 34:17
  So again, it's taking the time to get to know where you are, what works for you, what is your best version of your life and put a stake in the ground and claim it.
• 34:28
  Cause, no one else is going to do that for you.
• 34:31
  And you don't want to abandon who you are when you enter into a relationship.
• 34:35
  You want to go into that relationship being so crystal clear about what brings you the most joy and fulfillment.
• 34:42
  And staying there, you know, and life happens, but staying there and honoring that.
• 34:47
  Let's say hypothetically, we now have established our list of do's and don'ts or yes and no's.
• 34:53
  And we are crystal clear as to what we want in a relationship.
• 34:59
  How does, being over the age of 40 per se, it can be overwhelming to think about dating.
• 35:05
  So how would someone go about finding someone to date?
• 35:10
  Because I don't know about you, but I don't feel comfortable going out to the clubs and hanging out with a bunch of people that could be my kids.
• 35:18
  Yeah, okay, so let's just say they've done the deeper work because seriously, when people come to me and they're like, How do I date well?
• 35:26
  How do I meet people?
• 35:27
  I will not work with someone unless they've done the deeper work.
• 35:32
  I can give them the strategies and I can give them all the hot tips and tools to get out there.
• 35:38
  But do you want a relationship or do you want a great relationship?
• 35:42
  So I'm always saying, yeah, I can give you the tools and the dating do's and don'ts, but at the end of the day, you know, do you want just anyone or do you want the one?
• 35:51
  So let's just say they've done the deeper work and they've, you know, done all of the things that we've shared.
• 35:56
  So this is where it gets tricky.
• 35:57
  All right.
• 35:58
  It just, it, it, you know, realistically speaking, this is where it gets tricky.
• 36:01
  So most people meet online and most people hate being online.
• 36:04
  So, so what do you do about that?
• 36:07
  Well, again, how are you doing the online journey?
• 36:12
  When people start to work with me and I give them some of the strategies, like I said, you know, getting really clear about who you are and making sure your profile is telling a story, painting a picture of your life.
• 36:29
  Not just like I walk on a beach.
• 36:30
  I love the beach and the movies.
• 36:32
  Like getting a profile that says, I love going to theater, it brings me so much joy to, to get inspired by some of these, musicals that have me thinking about blah, blah, blah.
• 36:46
  I just saw Wicked and it made me think of X.
• 36:50
  And, do you like to go to theater?
• 36:52
  What's your favorite, way to get inspired?
• 36:55
  So sharing something about yourself in a profile that has them go, oh, this is kind of how her life is, and this is how she feels.
• 37:03
  And now she's asked me a question about myself, that's a good prompt for someone to get into your inbox that's read your profile.
• 37:11
  Now it has something, now he has something to offer.
• 37:13
  So there are ways to, to craft your profile that calls in a much higher quality, good fit guy and potentially repels people that you don't want in your inbox.
• 37:25
  Okay, so let me just back up for a second.
• 37:28
  So, the best way is online.
• 37:29
  And I don't know the stats, 60 percent of people meet online, something like that.
• 37:33
  So it's a great tool.
• 37:34
  You're going to have access to so many more people, a bigger pool of people than at the grocery store.
• 37:41
  However, you can meet somebody at the grocery store, put down your frigging phone, put down your phone, look around, smile at some people.
• 37:50
  You just never know.
• 37:51
  Get out there, do things that bring you joy.
• 37:54
  If you love music, go to live music.
• 37:57
  Yes, the challenge is, is that a lot of the things women do, there aren't men doing it like yoga or the spiritual stuff.
• 38:05
  There's definitely more women doing that.
• 38:08
  Women are more social creatures.
• 38:10
  However, there are men out there, keep your eyes open.
• 38:13
  Just keep living your life and saying yes to as many things as you can out in the world.
• 38:18
  I'm not a drinker.
• 38:20
  I don't necessarily like the bar scene at all.
• 38:23
  However, if I'm meeting a friend for a drink.
• 38:26
  Who knows who's there?
• 38:27
  You know, so be on the lookout be open to meeting people.
• 38:32
  Dang, I mean, I met somebody in a parking lot once, you know, I was walking he smiled I smiled we didn't do anything I didn't it didn't go anywhere.
• 38:39
  However, it could have been something who knows, you know.
• 38:42
  So staying open because look there are people everywhere, but the reality is is if you go into a department store and let's just say there are 50 men in the department store.
• 38:53
  What are the chances that your man is in that department store?
• 38:56
  It's possible.
• 38:57
  How many people are you going to be attracted to in that department store?
• 39:01
  Maybe one, two, three.
• 39:03
  Online, there's just so much more potential.
• 39:06
  However, there's so much more potential for burnout.
• 39:09
  There's so much more potential for feeling like there's no good guys left because people aren't doing it well.
• 39:17
  I.
• 39:18
  encourage people to be online, picking the right app, learning how often to be on.
• 39:25
  How to strategize so that it's not a full time job and you are not talking to hundreds of people.
• 39:31
  You're only talking to a few and the few you're talking to are good people and you'll know right away if they're a good fit or not because we don't want to waste time.
• 39:40
  So there are ways to do it.
• 39:41
  And then sadly, if, if it's sadly, you know, online, is a great way.
• 39:46
  Now, I live in a wonderful community that has a lot of people saying, how do we meet organically?
• 39:53
  So I'm going to start doing some more in person singles, mingles, and events.
• 39:58
  So look at some of the places around where you live, because maybe there are some people like me orchestrating some really good events where you can meet some single people.
• 40:07
  But keep your eyes open.
• 40:09
  Good people are everywhere.
• 40:11
  And if you find yourself looking down, then maybe there's some fear you need to look at.
• 40:15
  You know, there are things to notice about yourself and how you're showing up in those organic scenarios.
• 40:21
  Does that answer your question or do you have any other questions about that?
• 40:26
  So what about, you know, first dates are very intimidating, especially, you haven't dated in 20, 30 years.
• 40:33
  What are some tips to shaking off those first date jitters?
• 40:37
  So I would hope that after you've done your work and you've come home to your heart, that it's not so intimidating.
• 40:45
  So what does that mean?
• 40:47
  What that means is go on a date and have fun.
• 40:51
  Intimidation I think comes from expectations, fear of falling short.
• 40:56
  Will they like me?
• 40:57
  Are they going to think I'm too fat?
• 40:58
  Are we going to be attracted to each other?
• 41:00
  What's going to happen after?
• 41:01
  Will we have the second date?
• 41:02
  It's like all that freakin mental gymnastics that we do.
• 41:06
  That's what creates intimidation.
• 41:08
  What is intimidation?
• 41:09
  It's fear, fear of something.
• 41:11
  So if you could be in the mindset of excitement, if you could be in the I'm about to go out and meet a virtual stranger.
• 41:19
  And I'm just going to have some fun and get to know him.
• 41:21
  Not go in with the list or the mindset of, I need to make sure this question's answered.
• 41:26
  I need to, to know this about him.
• 41:28
  Like take the pressure off, just go and have a good time.
• 41:32
  Because if you just are going to have a good time, it's not going to be as intimidating.
• 41:36
  Now, granted, there can be some trepidation, especially if you haven't dated twenty, thirty, forty years.
• 41:42
  However, what have you done to pre-screen that first date?
• 41:46
  Is it you just message once and now you're going on that first date?
• 41:50
  Yeah, that could be freakin intimidating.
• 41:53
  Again, that's where, how are you preparing your inner world for that, as well as this person you're about to meet?
• 42:02
  What's the groundwork?
• 42:04
  What have you, experienced with this person?
• 42:07
  And that's where the strategies come in.
• 42:09
  Very few people get a first date with me, and it's not because I'm like so special and I, you know, they have to come up to my level.
• 42:18
  It's about, I'm discerning and with my time and my energy.
• 42:22
  And what was that first conversation like?
• 42:25
  Did I feel energy with them?
• 42:27
  Did I enjoy them?
• 42:28
  Have I done enough research?
• 42:31
  And I'm not talking about like huge, heavy lifting.
• 42:35
  Just, is this somebody I want to spend some time with?
• 42:39
  Now, I also want to say something.
• 42:41
  There's a lot of dating and relationship coaches out there.
• 42:45
  And there's a lot of information that says, do this, don't do this, do this, don't do this.
• 42:50
  Find what works for you, these are guidelines.
• 42:52
  However, I, really stand strongly with go on that date and just go and enjoy.
• 42:58
  See if it feels good.
• 43:00
  Is this somebody that you'd like to spend time with?
• 43:03
  Throw out your dating do's and don'ts stuff.
• 43:05
  It's all going to be there for you.
• 43:08
  You will notice if they're being kind to the wait staff or not.
• 43:12
  You're going to notice how they treat you and things like that.
• 43:15
  Just go and meet the person.
• 43:17
  How much you do to prepare before you meet the person, again, there's lots of information out there.
• 43:23
  People do things differently all the time.
• 43:25
  I think it's good to at least have some messaging to, to see how they're doing.
• 43:33
  How they're showing up for you, how consistent they are.
• 43:36
  Get on a phone, ideally a video.
• 43:39
  Have certain questions that have been answered so you have a sense of, are you on the same page?
• 43:44
  And then if it feels good, go have a good time! So hopefully that takes away some of the intimidation.
• 43:51
  And just know that you're not, well, hopefully you know that you're not going to accept anything less than what feels right to you that is in alignment with your highest and best for you.
• 44:04
  And I think another thing is be yourself, Be yourself in that date.
• 44:10
  Hundred percent.
• 44:11
  Yeah, because if you can't, like that's the biggest problem.
• 44:14
  That's why people's relationships keep failing.
• 44:17
  That's why people are dating and they're like, I don't understand, it was going so well.
• 44:22
  People have their masks on.
• 44:23
  People have their best behavior on.
• 44:25
  People are trying to be something that they're not.
• 44:27
  Well, maybe he'll have a mask on and maybe he'll be putting his best foot forward.
• 44:32
  It's okay, whatever he's doing, he's doing.
• 44:35
  For You, you be you.
• 44:38
  Do not try to fit into any other, idea of what you think you should be like, be yourself, be fully yourself.
• 44:48
  Because if you can't accept yourself fully for who you are and you can't enjoy yourself fully for who you are, what are you bringing to that, that date?
• 44:57
  How are you representing yourself?
• 44:59
  How are you showing yourself?
• 45:00
  And then what happens three, six months later, you start to show your colors.
• 45:04
  And that's when things get a little tricky.
• 45:07
  So yeah, be yourself, you know, and if they want to be with you, great.
• 45:13
  If they don't, great, move on.
• 45:17
  Yeah.
• 45:17
  Be yourself.
• 45:18
  Absolutely.
• 45:20
  You know, I used to tell myself this, what do I have to lose?
• 45:23
  What do I have to gain?
• 45:26
  And if they don't like me for who I am, it's their loss because I consider myself a gain.
• 45:32
  I'm something to gain versus something to lose.
• 45:35
  Yeah, yeah, go into that conversation or that date knowing that you are a catch.
• 45:44
  That you are special and have so much to offer.
• 45:49
  And if you don't think that and you don't feel that, then I will take a strong, bold stand and say, you're not ready.
• 45:56
  You're not ready.
• 45:57
  Who's going to come into your world if, and you don't have to be perfect.
• 46:00
  You don't have to be like, I am the cat's meow.
• 46:03
  I've got no flaws.
• 46:05
  Trust me I got some flaws.
• 46:07
  However, I am a catch.
• 46:09
  I know my value.
• 46:11
  I know my worthiness.
• 46:13
  And.
• 46:14
  I am not going to settle.
• 46:16
  You need to, really know your value because then you'll be treated the way you deserve to be treated and you'll spot very quickly if they're not matching that level that you deserve.
• 46:29
  What if somebody is already they've been dating somebody and it's getting a little serious.
• 46:36
  We all have what most people call baggage.
• 46:41
  And you know dating someone in your forties, you know that there are exes and there are children that could cause conflict later down the road if you get married or whatnot.
• 46:53
  How does a person go about assessing their own baggage and the other person's baggage and whether that's something that they can carry out into the future or they can deal with it?
• 47:09
  Yeah, it's a huge question and it's, kind of challenging to answer that because, each scenario is different and I think each person is going to have their.
• 47:18
  They see somebody's baggage, and they might be like, yeah, that is definitely not something I am ready to sign up for.
• 47:24
  That is not something I'm willing to stand by.
• 47:27
  So everybody has their different version of baggage.
• 47:30
  And then I think it's also about self responsibility.
• 47:33
  I think it's so important for each person to own what they're bringing to the table and be able to acknowledge, yeah, I got this going on right now and I need to work on this.
• 47:47
  I just got triggered.
• 47:49
  I'm feeling some feels.
• 47:50
  I need to take a step back right now and do my own work around it.
• 47:54
  And then I'll come back and share with you what's going on.
• 47:57
  Again, it comes down to really good communication and taking responsibility for our wounding.
• 48:04
  I got my stuff and I have a great team of people, you know, I have my love mentor.
• 48:09
  I have my trauma specialist.
• 48:10
  I don't see them on a regular basis.
• 48:12
  But when things bubble up, it's like, ooh, there's something I need to work on.
• 48:17
  There's another level of healing that needs to be, attended to.
• 48:21
  So it happens, and hopefully it does happen.
• 48:25
  Cause if you're not having some conflict or some drama or some baggage that's showing up, you guys are trying way too hard to not be a certain way.
• 48:35
  So when you hit that first bump, when you hit that, that first challenge, that is the greatest opportunity to see how you're going to deal with it.
• 48:46
  How do you stand in the fire together?
• 48:48
  How do you support each other?
• 48:49
  You know, I remember that it's like memories.
• 48:54
  I remember I said I had that awesome relationship and then I went down the rabbit hole with somebody that was similar to my wusband.
• 49:01
  I remember this, this night where I was having a bad night.
• 49:05
  There was some stuff going on and I was in my feels and I needed some, some space.
• 49:11
  I needed him to be with me in this particular thing that was going on.
• 49:17
  And he went into his own stuff and he was like projecting all of his stuff.
• 49:21
  He couldn't hold the space for me.
• 49:24
  He made it all about him.
• 49:26
  And so my wounding spilled into his wounding.
• 49:30
  And the, at the end of the day, we clashed so terribly with our bags My baggage tapped into his baggage, his baggage tapped into my baggage and it was messy.
• 49:45
  And so, you know, we're talking about many, many years ago.
• 49:49
  So I'm in a very different place.
• 49:50
  That just doesn't happen anywhere because now I know, hey, this is what's going on inside of me, I need to do my work and I take responsibility for it.
• 49:59
  I don't spill my baggage all over the place and make a mess.
• 50:03
  If I even do a, I mean, sometimes it spills out, of course, right?
• 50:07
  However, I spot it.
• 50:09
  I stop it.
• 50:10
  I do the work and I hope that the other person can do that too.
• 50:14
  And if they don't, I'm going to just say, hey, I need you to take responsibility for what just happened.
• 50:20
  So I think I just went all around, but at the end of the day, to your question, the shit's going to hit the fan.
• 50:25
  Hopefully that's a good relationship.
• 50:27
  And then you have to do repair.
• 50:30
  You have the, the, the issue that happens.
• 50:33
  And then there's learning how to do the repairing together.
• 50:39
  And having that conversation, how can we do this differently next time?
• 50:43
  What just happened?
• 50:44
  Having a conversation about it.
• 50:46
  You can't take the responsibility and have a conversation with your partner, it's just going to keep happening and it's going to get worse and worse and worse.
• 50:54
  That's how I look at it.
• 50:56
  Can you share a success story?
• 50:58
  Someone who went through your program and came out successful on the other side.
• 51:04
  Yeah.
• 51:04
  Let's see which one, which one, which one fits this.
• 51:10
  Okay client of mine, I work one on one with people I, you know, I have shorter programs.
• 51:15
  However, my favorite program that I have is my Midlife Love Unleashed program.
• 51:20
  It's a year long program where over time we unpack, the stuff, you know, the U Haul of all the experiences.
• 51:29
  And there was this woman that, knew that she had to do the inner work.
• 51:33
  She was terrified of going online.
• 51:35
  She was terrified of getting into a relationship.
• 51:37
  She really had lost hope, but she wanted to feel better about who she was.
• 51:42
  And I think maybe a few months in, she started doing the dating you know, she put herself out there with my help with the profile and all that stuff.
• 51:50
  Continued to do the inner work.
• 51:52
  And she had the confidence to get back out there.
• 51:55
  She didn't have the confidence before.
• 51:57
  She was meeting better people.
• 51:58
  So it was much better for her.
• 52:00
  And she met someone.
• 52:03
  I think like maybe six months, when she first started with me, she met somebody.
• 52:07
  And it was a slow learning about each other, growing together.
• 52:13
  And then there was the bump.
• 52:15
  And she had a session with me cause she was really scared.
• 52:19
  She didn't know what he was going to say.
• 52:20
  She didn't, she knew she had to have a conversation.
• 52:23
  I'm being very vague, of course, because it's her personal story.
• 52:26
  However, there was something that she said yes to because of the emotions and that was the old muscle of I want to say yes.
• 52:34
  I don't want to say no I don't want to hurt him.
• 52:35
  I don't want to have conflict.
• 52:37
  She said yes in a moment and then you know, it's kind of like ah buyer's remorse the next day she was like, oh my god, I really wanted to say no.
• 52:46
  And she needed to say no and she knew that and she didn't know how to backtrack where the relationship wouldn't blow up.
• 52:56
  And so we did this full process cause the work is not just life coaching.
• 53:00
  It's not just thinking things through.
• 53:02
  We did a full experience where she was able to trust that she could have this conversation, conscious conversation, empowered conversation, and no matter what happened she would be fine.
• 53:16
  So firstly, she needed to know in her bones that she was aligned and that she was, she had value and she needed to have this conversation for her, otherwise she would resent him and she would hate herself for continuing the yes when she wanted to say no.
• 53:32
  And she was scared, she was scared of, is this going to be the end of the relationship?
• 53:37
  Is, you know, what is he going to say?
• 53:38
  What is he going to do?
• 53:40
  And so I coached her through it.
• 53:42
  She felt some fear, but she did the clean talk that I was sharing.
• 53:48
  And she called me the next day.
• 53:50
  Cause we worked it.
• 53:50
  We really worked it.
• 53:52
  We worked the inner and we worked the conversation, how to approach it.
• 53:57
  And she was ecstatic because he totally got it.
• 54:00
  He didn't get defensive.
• 54:02
  He supported her.
• 54:03
  He understood where she was coming from because she wasn't making him wrong.
• 54:08
  She was sharing.
• 54:09
  I said, yes, but this is what's going on inside of me.
• 54:12
  These are my thoughts.
• 54:13
  This is my experience.
• 54:14
  And I'm so sorry, but I've got to change my yes to a no.
• 54:19
  And of course he had his whatever around disappointment or it wasn't going to be what he had hoped for, but they got stronger than ever.
• 54:28
  And so that's the beauty of when you've done the work and you know how to have these difficult conversations, it actually conflict, conflict, these bumps.
• 54:38
  When you are pair, when you know how to do it, well, it's like a broken bone, it is stronger.
• 54:44
  You have a stronger relationship.
• 54:47
  So that's kind of the journey is, you know, you keep trying these things on, you slip, you fall, you get stronger, you know, better next time and yeah, that's, that's my answer.
• 55:02
  What advice would you give to that woman who sees all her girlfriends that are going out and they're dating and she's at home and she'd like to date but she's too scared to go out there and just do it?
• 55:19
  What advice would you give her that she can start her journey, her dating journey.
• 55:26
  Yeah, yeah.
• 55:27
  Well first I'm always about being conscious of the compare and despair, you know.
• 55:33
  When you, and this is for any aspect of your life, if you're looking outside of yourself and you're going, oh, I wish I was doing that.
• 55:40
  Or, oh, they're doing better than me.
• 55:42
  It's information and let them have their journey and then come back to well, I'm noticing I'm envious of my girlfriends that are dating.
• 55:53
  Great! That's good information.
• 55:54
  That means you want it too.
• 55:57
  Oh, I'm so scared.
• 55:58
  I don't, I'm, I'm afraid I, you know, I they're doing something that I'm not ready to do.
• 56:02
  Well, good information.
• 56:04
  I have a quiz.
• 56:05
  I have a quiz that's called discover your love avatar.
• 56:08
  And it, helps you figure out, your level of readiness.
• 56:12
  So maybe your girlfriends have a higher level of relationship readiness than you.
• 56:16
  Well, good to know.
• 56:17
  Well, what do you need to do to raise your level of readiness?
• 56:22
  And one of the first things is to acknowledge that you do have some fear.
• 56:27
  But what does that fear mean to you?
• 56:30
  What are you scared of?
• 56:32
  And you might say, well, I'm afraid it may not work out again.
• 56:35
  Well, okay, then what?
• 56:37
  Well, if it doesn't work out, then I might think, that I'm never going to meet anyone.
• 56:42
  Okay what's so scary about that?
• 56:44
  Well, if I don't ever meet anybody, then I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.
• 56:47
  Oh, what's scary about that?
• 56:49
  Well, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life.
• 56:51
  So you need to drill down, drill down, drill down.
• 56:54
  And then when you get to the core of your fear, then you have information around, well, if I'm afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, and that was just an example, what might I do about that?
• 57:04
  And that's where people like myself and other people that are teaching and you know, doing transformational work with people on how to get back out there with confidence and healthy boundaries and, believing in love.
• 57:20
  When you have that in, inside of you, then it's not going to be so scary.
• 57:24
  But if you're scared to go dating, you need to listen to that fear.
• 57:28
  And you need to unpack that fear.
• 57:31
  Because fear is not a bad thing if it's running you, if it's holding you back, if it's keeping you stuck and spinning your wheels, then fear has a grip on you and you're not in control of your fear.
• 57:44
  So you need to figure out what is it you're really scared about and then make a move.
• 57:49
  And it could be a baby step.
• 57:51
  But typically that risk manager, that part inside of you, that's like, I'm scared you're going to do it again.
• 57:56
  I'm scared you're going to get cheated on again.
• 57:58
  I'm scared that you're going to have your heart broken again.
• 58:01
  That part inside of you is going to do whatever it can to keep you in your bubble.
• 58:06
  To keep that wall around your heart.
• 58:09
  And it's going to extremes.
• 58:12
  Well, that part needs to dial back a little bit.
• 58:15
  And the only way that it's going to do that is to see that it's not so black and white.
• 58:19
  You're not going to just jump into another relationship.
• 58:22
  You need to get that, that knowing inside of you and have a bigger toolbox so that you can have the courage to take some baby steps, not just dive into a relationship, but take some baby steps in spite of your fear.
• 58:36
  So let fear inform you of what you might need to do to feel better about yourself and take healthy risks to, to put that money on the black or the red on that roulette table and know that it's okay to take that chance.
• 58:53
  Are you going to put all of your money on that table?
• 58:56
  If you're going to put all your money on that table, then you need to do some more work.
• 59:00
  But can you take a risk of putting twenty dollars on that roulette table?
• 59:05
  That's what we're talking about.
• 59:07
  Dip your toe.
• 59:09
  Get, some movement.
• 59:11
  Get a mentor to hold your hands, have your back and make a move.
• 59:16
  And it starts with really listening to what's going on inside of you.
• 59:21
  So if you see people dating and you're like, man, I want that too, but I'm so terrified.
• 59:26
  Well, they're having their journey.
• 59:28
  Come home to your journey and figure out what you need to do so that you can move the needle in your own way.
• 59:35
  And here's a question because the world's different.
• 59:38
  It's not the same world that back when you and I were in our teens.
• 59:42
  Do you have any dating safety tips?
• 59:46
  Yeah, and again, it depends on your comfort level.
• 59:48
  So for example, for some people, they're like, I don't want to give them my phone number, that's totally valid.
• 59:54
  So look, first of all, we are in the technological world of people can find you pretty darn easily.
• 1:00:01
  We're, you know, it's like, it's just, it is what it is.
• 1:00:06
  And let's also remember that, that whole, what if I date an axe murderer?
• 1:00:12
  Well, I haven't heard too many axe murderers running around.
• 1:00:15
  So let's remember that the risks aren't as risky as we think.
• 1:00:21
  And yet there are some precautions to take depending on how you are and your comfort level.
• 1:00:28
  So there's Google Voice.
• 1:00:30
  Google Voice is a free number that you can get that you can connect to your phone so that if you want to talk to somebody and you don't want to give out your personal number.
• 1:00:43
  And there's, you know, people can say, well, I'll block him.
• 1:00:45
  Yeah, you can block him.
• 1:00:47
  However, they can put your phone number in the computer and probably find where you live.
• 1:00:52
  I don't personally care about that.
• 1:00:54
  I'm pretty comfortable.
• 1:00:55
  And I'm like, whatever, especially with me.
• 1:00:57
  It's like, I'm all over the frigging internet.
• 1:00:58
  It's like, it's not going to be hard to find where I live.
• 1:01:01
  However, I do do the Google voice.
• 1:01:04
  Why not?
• 1:01:04
  If I, if I have even the slightest concern about someone I'm talking to, I do not give them my phone, I give them my Google voice number and that is mostly not traceable.
• 1:01:16
  Anybody that's really tech savvy can find you.
• 1:01:18
  Let's just be real.
• 1:01:19
  But that's one step further they would have to do.
• 1:01:22
  So Google voice is one thing.
• 1:01:24
  Another thing is it makes sense that if you're going to be meeting somebody, meet them in a public place and a place that you're familiar with.
• 1:01:31
  Don't drive someplace that you don't know.
• 1:01:32
  Don't go to a place that you're not familiar with.
• 1:01:35
  Be on your terms and make sure that you're comfortable.
• 1:01:38
  Don't do something that you're not comfortable with.
• 1:01:40
  Again, when it comes to safety, if you want to go that extra mile, there are different ways, you know, for a small fee, like Truthfinder.
• 1:01:50
  There's some other, there are some other sites that, I have it in my notes when I do my trainings.
• 1:01:55
  That you can, search somebody's information, their name and their phone number.
• 1:02:00
  And again, to your comfort level and your ability to speak up for yourself.
• 1:02:05
  And I will do this again, sometimes with people, depending on the scenario, but I might very well say, hey, you know, and this is what I recommend for my clients is to say, hey, are you on LinkedIn or are you on Facebook?
• 1:02:20
  I would feel more comfortable if I can, see you are who you are, you know women have to be more careful than men.
• 1:02:27
  And see how they respond.
• 1:02:29
  You know, I've had men in my inbox that have very smartly said, hey, here's my phone number.
• 1:02:35
  Here's my Facebook handle.
• 1:02:37
  So you can check me out I know that women like that.
• 1:02:40
  So that's like so cool.
• 1:02:42
  Not everybody's going to be so proactive or that smart.
• 1:02:45
  So if you would feel more comfortable knowing that they are who they are, ask, say, hey, I always like to know I'm, I'm going to be seeing the person that I'm speaking to, you know, is there something is there a site or a website or, or something like that, that I can look at?
• 1:03:00
  So these are some of the things that you can ask of a person.
• 1:03:04
  But minimal, I would say, get the Google voice phone number and go from there.
• 1:03:09
  And then trust your gut.
• 1:03:11
  Are you comfortable with speaking with this person?
• 1:03:15
  Do you feel safe with them?
• 1:03:16
  Are they asking you good questions?
• 1:03:18
  Do you feel uncomfortable about some of the questions they're asking you?
• 1:03:22
  Are they leading with sex or are they actually interested in you as a person?
• 1:03:26
  If you're looking for a sexual partner, then it may not be a big deal.
• 1:03:30
  But somebody the other day messaged me and I looked at their profile and the first thing was they're looking for sexploration.
• 1:03:37
  That's what they were saying.
• 1:03:38
  The first line was, I'm looking for, a woman who's into sexploration and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
• 1:03:44
  Well, no for me.
• 1:03:47
  He had a lot of other good stuff in his profile, but that was the first thing he wrote.
• 1:03:51
  So I'm like, yeah, no, thank you.
• 1:03:53
  So use your gut, use your brain.
• 1:03:56
  Be proactive, do the research if you want, like Truthfinder or one of those things, if you want to see if they are who they are.
• 1:04:03
  And, um, and the other thing I will say is ask them if everything on their profile is accurate.
• 1:04:09
  And I usually would recommend you start, say, hey, I just want to let you know that everything on my profile is up to date and accurate, including my age and my pictures, you know, anything you want to share about yours.
• 1:04:21
  And see what they say.
• 1:04:23
  You know, cause there's nothing worse than getting on a date with somebody who doesn't look like their pictures.
• 1:04:28
  That's ten years older.
• 1:04:29
  It's just not cool.
• 1:04:30
  It's not cool.
• 1:04:31
  Or their fake picture.
• 1:04:33
  Maybe they put The Rocks picture up instead of their own picture.
• 1:04:37
  Yeah.
• 1:04:37
  And again, that's where it comes down to having that conversation and ideally being on video, but not everybody's comfortable with video.
• 1:04:46
  I obviously am comfortable with video.
• 1:04:47
  Not everybody's comfortable with video.
• 1:04:49
  However, that's the best way to see energy and even, you know, like, look at the end of the day, chemistry is chemistry.
• 1:04:57
  However, you have a good sense about how that person holds themselves and, what they look like on video and go from there.
• 1:05:05
  From the conversation that we have had today, what is one piece of information that you would like the listener or the viewer to hold close to their heart?
• 1:05:16
  Haaaa Just taking that in.
• 1:05:23
  Know yourself, know yourself.
• 1:05:26
  Do what it takes to know yourself.
• 1:05:30
  And what that means is really take some time to ask yourself and date yourself to know what brings you the most joy and have a rich, lovely life.
• 1:05:44
  Cause that is going to create the best partnership you can possibly imagine.
• 1:05:50
  Because you're going to be loving who you are and bringing yourself to the table.
• 1:05:55
  So to me, that is the key to having an extraordinary next level love life with or without a partner.
• 1:06:03
  Know thyself.
• 1:06:05
  Junie, what projects are you currently working on and when will we see them in the future?
• 1:06:11
  I'm always working on things.
• 1:06:14
  I'm always working on things.
• 1:06:15
  So right now, I have my one year program, and I have my one-on-one coaching program.
• 1:06:21
  So I do masterclasses, on a regular basis.
• 1:06:25
  I don't know the next, when this is particularly airing or when people are going to be watching this so the best thing to do is really go to my website, which is midlifeloveoutloud.com.
• 1:06:36
  Take the quiz.
• 1:06:37
  It's a free quiz.
• 1:06:38
  It's a couple of minutes where you get a workbook and like you find out your superpower.
• 1:06:44
  And where you need to stretch, in reference to relationship readiness.
• 1:06:49
  And you're going to learn so much.
• 1:06:51
  And then you will also be on my list so that you could have on a regular basis updates on my projects, on my masterclasses, on some of my free events.
• 1:07:00
  I do a lot of free trainings because I want to reach as many people as possible with what you can do to have your magnificent life and give you the tools.
• 1:07:09
  I love to give you so many tools.
• 1:07:11
  And then for some people, you're going to want more.
• 1:07:14
  You're going to be like, I really want to be in your world.
• 1:07:16
  And I really want you to hold my hands and help me with my blind spots.
• 1:07:20
  And so you potentially can join one of my programs.
• 1:07:23
  I would start there.
• 1:07:24
  Just take the quiz, get on my website and you'll, you'll be in the loop of all the different things that are coming up.
• 1:07:31
  And where can people learn more about you or even listen to you watch you more?
• 1:07:37
  Yeah, so midlifeloveoutloud.com is my website, midlifeloveoutloud, midlife love out loud is my handle on Instagram, it is also on Facebook.
• 1:07:50
  I have my podcast which is midlifeloveoutloud, and you can find everything on my website.
• 1:07:56
  And you have a YouTube channel as well Oh, and my YouTube channel thank you.
• 1:08:00
  Midlife love out loud.
• 1:08:02
  Yeah, it takes a village here.
• 1:08:03
  So, and what I love about my YouTube station is that, I'll pop in and do lives and I bring in some of the most magnificent experts.
• 1:08:12
  I've had Dr.
• 1:08:13
  John Gray, Ariel Ford, Sherry Winston, just to name a few.
• 1:08:17
  And if you don't know who Dr.
• 1:08:18
  John Gray is, he's the man who wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
• 1:08:22
  He was on last year.
• 1:08:23
  He's actually coming back for a couple more episodes in the fall.
• 1:08:27
  So, yeah, so my YouTube channel has so much information.
• 1:08:30
  And again, if you go to my website, my podcast is listed there the links are listed there.
• 1:08:36
  There's a lot of content there.
• 1:08:37
  So yeah, lots of ways to learn and grow.
• 1:08:40
  And I just want to come back to trust your gut, take good care of your heart.
• 1:08:46
  This is your journey sister, make it the best ever.
• 1:08:50
  And if you are not loving your life, ask yourself what is the kindest, most supportive thing that you can do for yourself?
• 1:08:58
  Because sometimes people can be so hard on themselves and rake yourself over the coals and look at what you don't have.
• 1:09:05
  And again, that's information.
• 1:09:07
  It's just, don't get stuck there.
• 1:09:09
  Don't get stuck there.
• 1:09:10
  Ask yourself, what's a move?
• 1:09:11
  What's one thing I can do today?
• 1:09:13
  And maybe the one thing is to take that quiz and to go, ah, this is my superpower I'm really good at this.
• 1:09:19
  And oh, I have some insecurities around this, or, oh, I'm not really good at, really speaking up and having healthy boundaries.
• 1:09:26
  And, and I will then give you some steps on how to do more work around that.
• 1:09:31
  Junie, I love your work.
• 1:09:33
  I love that you focus on working on the inside first before you even dip your toe into sharing that with someone else.
• 1:09:44
  Thank you.
• 1:09:45
  Yeah.
• 1:09:46
  I mean, this has been my journey.
• 1:09:47
  I never thought I can have a life like this where I'm not hating myself.
• 1:09:51
  I'm actually loving myself.
• 1:09:53
  I'm kind to myself.
• 1:09:55
  I've had extraordinary love in my life.
• 1:09:57
  I, you know, it's just I love my life.
• 1:09:59
  And so, why wouldn't I want to share that with other people?
• 1:10:03
  I mean, I have a whole wall of people that have sent me cards and thank yous because they're married to the most spectacular man and that they never thought was possible after years and years.
• 1:10:14
  I had this one, just real quickly, one client, who came to me, she was in her early fifties and she had never had a long term relationship.
• 1:10:22
  She would sabotage it over and over because she would attract people and be in these relationships that were just not a fit for her.
• 1:10:29
  So she would sabotage them.
• 1:10:31
  So why was she attracted to these people that weren't a fit and why would she do it over and over?
• 1:10:36
  And so she joined my one year program.
• 1:10:38
  We did some deep shadow work.
• 1:10:40
  A couple of months in, she discovered, I love this story.
• 1:10:44
  I tell the story all the time.
• 1:10:45
  She discovered an old belief about relationship from what she witnessed with her parents that set her up on an unconscious level to never want a long term relationship.
• 1:10:56
  Too scary to have what her parents had.
• 1:11:00
  And once she had this breakthrough and she knew fully that she could have a different experience in her life.
• 1:11:07
  Within a couple of weeks, she was at a party with some friends and there was a man that she had seen over and over through the years.
• 1:11:16
  Never was interested in him, but because of her shift, she suddenly noticed him.
• 1:11:21
  He noticed her.
• 1:11:23
  Within six months, she had a promise ring on her finger.
• 1:11:27
  A couple of years later, they got married and it's been years since.
• 1:11:31
  So it's never too late.
• 1:11:33
  I have a 70 year old client that's always like, thank you so much.
• 1:11:38
  And everything in between.
• 1:11:40
  We all have our journeys.
• 1:11:41
  Keep going.
• 1:11:43
  I freakin love helping people magnetize their soulmate.
• 1:11:49
  Junie thank you so much for coming on the show.
• 1:11:52
  Thank you for sharing your stories.
• 1:11:53
  They're amazing.
• 1:11:54
  And thank you most of all for betting on love and giving that back to the world.
• 1:12:00
  Thank you.
• 1:12:02
  I have been guided.
• 1:12:03
  There's no doubt about it.
• 1:12:04
  I've been guided and as painful, by the way, your questions and everything that you've shared, you're an amazing host.
• 1:12:11
  So amazing I love what you bring to the table too.
• 1:12:14
  And I just want to say that, you know, Some of the biggest pains and wounds in our life have given us some of the greatest opportunities for healing.
• 1:12:23
  And I'm not saying that I'm happy that my dad died when I was 14.
• 1:12:26
  I was devastated and it was horrible in so many ways.
• 1:12:29
  And it took me a long time to do all that deep healing work around the masculine around loss.
• 1:12:34
  However, that set me up for this journey to love and loving myself more.
• 1:12:41
  And so, I get to offer what I bring to the world because of my journey.
• 1:12:49
  And so it is my greatest gift.
• 1:12:51
  It's my greatest honor.
• 1:12:53
  It's like to offer the gifts that I have been gifted through my healing journey.
• 1:12:59
  I, I love what I do.
• 1:13:00
  And I absolutely love seeing people put a stake in the ground for their life.
• 1:13:06
  Whether they want a partner or not, because your life is, is valuable and you are gifted only one of you in this life, so make it the best.
• 1:13:18
  Alright, thank you very much.
• 1:13:20
  You're so welcome.
• 1:13:21
  Thank you.
• 1:13:22
  Wow, what a fantastic conversation with Junie Moon.
• 1:13:26
  Thank you, Junie, for sharing your powerful insights and inspiring so many to take that leap of faith and love.
• 1:13:35
  For everyone listening or watching, remember that it's all about betting on yourself and opening your heart to the possibilities.
• 1:13:45
  Don't forget to tune in next week when we'll tackle the topic of challenging negative thoughts.
• 1:13:51
  We'll explore strategies to turn those self-doubt whispers into shouts of self-confidence.
• 1:13:58
  It's going to be a transformative session, so make sure to join us for more information about Junie Moon and additional resources, head on over to createthebestme.com/ep078.
• 1:14:14
  Until then, keep dreaming big, take care of yourself, and remember, you are beautiful, strong, and capable of creating the best version of yourself.
• 1:14:26
  Thank you for watching.
• 1:14:27
  Catch you next week.
• 1:14:29
  Bye for now.