Latest / The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time / E022 - Mom’s Coming Home — The Calm Before the Caregiving Chaos

Transcript

E022 - Mom’s Coming Home — The Calm Before the Caregiving Chaos · The Wicked Daughter - Caring For Your Aging Parents, One Meltdown at a Time

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Wicked Daughter, caring for my aging parent one meltdown at a time.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mom is finally coming home.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: After intensive care, a ventilator, two surgeries, and weeks of rehab.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: She's recovering well enough to leave.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: And we have four days to get everything ready.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: We have the keys to the new house.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: We have a discharge date.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: And we have approximately 5,000 things that need to happen before mom walks, or more accurately, rolls, through that front door.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Dave and I are moving out of the RV.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Mom is moving out of rehab, and somehow we're supposed to make all of this look like a functioning household.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Four days to move out of the RV.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Get the house ready and bring Mom home.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Let the chaos begin.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dave and I had the keys to the new house and a small mountain of Amazon and FedEx packages that were scheduled to arrive that day.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Dave brought his laptop and monitors over so he could work while keeping an eye out for deliveries.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Meanwhile, I went back to the RV to collect the dogs and a few more bins of our belongings.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: I dropped everything at the new house, then headed out to visit mom for the afternoon.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because, of course, moving isn't enough to keep me busy.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: I also have a caregiving job to maintain.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: While I was with Mom, we went over what she wanted to have at the house when she was discharged.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted to bring over as much as possible from her condo to make her feel comfortable and settled.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: She'd been living in hospitals and rehab facilities for three months.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted her bedroom and bathroom to feel familiar.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I wanted her to have the things she needed without having to ask for everything.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: There was a lot to think about.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Clothes, personal items, toiletries, and all the little things that make a place feel like your own.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: After a nice visit, I stopped at the RV again to load up more bins before heading back to the house.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Some of our packages had arrived, others hadn't.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: Of course.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: So Dave and I ordered Chinese food for dinner and started unpacking what we had.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: By eight o'clock, we were still waiting for deliveries.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: We'd only planned to bring some things over that day, not actually move in.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: But with the deliveries running late, we decided we'd stay at the new house that night.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: So much for being organized.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I had to make another trip to the RV to get our bedding, toiletries, and the dog's beds.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Nothing like carefully planning a move only to have your plans change and send you back for the things you hadn't planned on needing yet.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Moving.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hate it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, we survived our first night in the house.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Whether we actually slept well is another question.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: After a very strange night's sleep, I got up and walked the dogs while Dave made coffee.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: We were getting ready for our first full day in the house.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Mom's bedroom furniture was being delivered, which was great.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: We were finally getting her room set up.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: But mom also had a podiatrist appointment that I couldn't reschedule.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I explained to Dave where I wanted everything placed before I headed out to pick up Mom.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently now I was managing furniture delivery, household setup, medical appointments, and a discharge countdown.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I probably should have had a clipboard and a headset.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: At the podiatrist, we had a little challenge getting Mom to stand so they could x-ray her foot.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: But we got it done.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: The good news was that it was healing nicely.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: The less good news was that it still looked awful.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: After the appointment, I took Mom back to rehab in time for lunch.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: And everybody was congratulating her.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: The nurses, the aides, the therapist, other patients.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Everyone was excited that Mom was going home.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I think part of that excitement was knowing she had a home to go to, and that Dave and I were ready to take her in.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Not every family has that option.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Some patients are too sick or need more support than their families can safely provide at home.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: Others need a level of care best provided at a facility.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there's nothing wrong with that.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the safest and best place for someone is to be somewhere where they can get the care they need.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: For mom, we were able to make home work, at least while she continued to recover.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: She wasn't ready to live independently, and honestly, we had no idea whether she'd ever be able to live on her own again.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: There were still so many unknowns.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: But she'd made tremendous progress, and we were incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to bring her home and continue her recovery together.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: After spending so much time worrying about whether she'd recover, whether she'd walk again, and how it managed to care for her, we were finally getting close to the moment we'd been working toward.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: I just had to get the house ready first.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And empty the RV and move the rest of our stuff, and get Mom's bedroom and bathroom set up, and apparently make about a dozen more trips between locations.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: I made two more trips to the RV that day to bring over bins.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then I made another trip to Mom's house to collect her belongings.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: How does a 35 foot RV hold so much stuff?
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: We'd downsized.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: We'd gotten rid of things.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: We'd simplified.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So how is there still so much stuff?
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I was beginning to suspect that bins reproduce when nobody is looking.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And how does somebody accumulate so much stuff in a condo?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Moving is the only time you discover things you forgot you owned.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: You open a cabinet or a closet and think, oh, mom was looking for that.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then you look at the item and realize she hasn't used it in years.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: I try to follow my own advice.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: If I haven't used something in a long time, and I haven't been actively looking for it because I couldn't find it, then I probably don't need it.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: Donate it.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: Toss it.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Let somebody else deal with it.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is an excellent philosophy.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's also much easier to apply to your own belongings than to someone else's.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when that somebody else has owned a bedroom set for 50 years.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: But that was a story from last week's episode.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of the day, I cooked our first dinner in the new house.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: It was nice to have a full-size kitchen again.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had more room to spread out, more counter space, and more places to put things.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Although I did miss the island in the RV.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: We were figuring out where things belonged, trying to remember where we'd put things, and learning how to live in a new space.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It was going to take time.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: The dogs were confused.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: Both of them followed us everywhere, as if they were afraid we'd disappear if they let us out of their sight.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: But they seemed to enjoy having more room to wander around.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then there was the cable company.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Our cable service was included with the HOA, but I still had to set up an account.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: And because Dave needed faster internet for work, we also needed to upgrade the internet service.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: I spent two hours on the phone with the cable company.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Two hours.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what it is about moving, but it seems to involve an extraordinary amount of waiting on hold, repeating information, and pressing buttons that lead you right back where you started.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Moving requires patience.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, patience is not something that magically appears when you need it most.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: By the end of that weekend, we had almost completely emptied the RV, moved clothes and personal items from mom's house, and got in her bedroom and bathroom ready.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: We were unpacking our things every night, setting up the house, and still making time to visit mom each day.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: It was exhausting.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But I was excited.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: I can picture mom coming home and having a place that was ready for her.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was very thankful that Dave and I had a few days to get settled in the house ourselves before she arrived.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: We could learn where things were, unpack, get into some sort of routine, and get the basics in place.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because the last thing I needed was to be trying to figure out which cabinet held the coffee mugs while also helping Mom settle in.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Although knowing me, I'll probably still be looking for the coffee mugs.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Monday morning arrived.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I got to rehab after breakfast.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Mom didn't have any occupational or physical therapy for that last day, so it was time to pack her things.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And by her things, I mean a few changes of clothes.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'd been bringing her clothes home every few days to wash them and then taking them back.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So there wasn't a huge wardrobe to move.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I had received one very helpful piece of advice before discharge.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Ask the rehab staff what supplies you're allowed to take home.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: If there are open packages of supplies that were provided for mom's care, they may be able to go with her.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also made sure the medications for her foot we were taking home had readable labels and clear instructions, and that we understood how they were to be used.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: Of course, I was glad we'd maintained a good relationship with the rehab staff.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: These were the people who had cared for mom for weeks, helped her recover, and supported us through a pretty stressful time.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Before we left, I dropped off thank you notes and little gift bags for the occupational and physical therapy staff, the aides and the nurses station.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: They'd all been part of Mom's recovery, and I wanted them to know how much we appreciated what they'd done.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: Her new transport wheelchair had arrived the day before, so I brought that along too.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: It was much lighter and easier to handle than the full size wheelchair she'd been using at rehab.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: That was going to make a difference when we were getting her in and out of the car and taking her places.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Then came the waiting.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: We were ready to leave, but we still needed the discharge paperwork.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because apparently, even on the day you're finally allowed to take your mom home, you have to wait because there are forms to sign.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Around eleven o'clock we signed everything, and then they wheeled mom out.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: There were hugs, congratulations, and best wishes from the staff and other patients.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: People who had watched her so hard to recover were thrilled to see her leaving.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: We'd spent months working toward this moment.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: We'd worried about her recovery, her mobility, her breathing, her ability to manage daily activities, and whether we'd be able to create a safe living place for her to live.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: And now it was happening.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was happy.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I was relieved.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I was grateful.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then something else hit me.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Mom and I were going to be together twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh shit.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: This was no longer a three-week visit when mom came to stay with me up north.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Back then, we both knew three weeks was about our limit.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: We love each other.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: We're close, but we can also get on each other's nerves.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: And now we were going to be sharing a home.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not for a visit, not for a few weeks.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_00: This was our new life for now.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: I was excited to have mom home, but I was also apprehensive.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: We'd both have to be patient.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: We'd both have to make adjustments, and we'd have to figure out how to live together while I was also managing her care.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: Easier said than done.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Mom was home, and that was a very big deal.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I had spent weeks making sure the house was ready for mom.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hadn't spent nearly as much time thinking about how we were going to be ready for each other.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because getting mom home is one thing.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Figuring out how to live together, manage her care, and keep our relationship intact.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: That was going to be a whole different adventure.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was about to find out just how challenging it could be.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you about that next week.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, take care of yourself too.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the wicked daughter, caring for my aging mom, one meltdown at a time.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: When your friends say cherish this time, you smile while you're losing your mind.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: Was it the pharmacy line or the rush our doctor drive?
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: So you swallow that glare with a laugh and a sigh and say, Don't fret, dear.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: We're having the time of our life.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, we're having the time.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: The time of our life.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Wicked daughter.