Latest / Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines / EP 13: Are You Leading... or Just Controlling?

Transcript

EP 13: Are You Leading... or Just Controlling? · Learned the Hard Way with Kier Gaines

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Learn the Hard Way. My name is Kiri Ganes.
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: We talk about purpose, we talk about pressure, and we
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: talk about what it actually takes become a full comprehensive man. Hey,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: what's up, y'all? Welcome back to another episode of Learning
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: the Hard Way. My name is ker Ganes. I am
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: your host. I am also your favorite therapist. I'm a husband,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: I'm a father, I'm a son, I'm a husband. Shit,
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: I said husband twice. I must uh man, I'm really
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: in that mold today. But most importantly, or maybe not
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: most importantly, but what's been most notable to me lately
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: is the part of my identity that is being a leader.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: And I hear leadership talked about often. How often we
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: talk about it, It's clear to me. I think we
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: do a good job of talking about it often, but
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: I don't think we talk about it richly, And by
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: richly I mean we don't really get into the nuts
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: and boats of what it means. We just kind of
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: hover around what we think it should look like and
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: what it feels like to us from the inside out.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So I want to talk today about leadership. I want
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: to talk about my leadership style. I want to question
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: your perspective of leadership, and I want to myth bust
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: some of the things that we have a tendency to
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: think and lean into and project out into society, and
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: I want us to question it. I'm not saying I'm
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: trying to change your mind. I ain't really what we're
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: doing here. But I'm always here to challenge your perspective.
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: Because if you have a perspective or a philosophy or
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: a thesis that really informs the way you think, you
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, It wraps itself around the way
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: that you think, is a part of the way that
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: you think. If you don't question it, I always got
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: to ask how strong is it? How strong is it? Shoot?
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: I don't even buy no car seats for my kids
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: unless they've been tested properly. I don't drive a car
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: unless I find out it can be crash tested properly
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: and it got at least four stars to it so
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: we can survive an accident if it happens. So if
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I don't let that rock for seatboats or car seats
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: or car quality, I'm not going to let that rock
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: for my own thoughts. Gotta challenge, gotta challenge your thoughts.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you can have a conversation about
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: leadership and not start with the noise, all the noise
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: and all the chatter that's out there around what this
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: idea is supposed to be. And I remember I had
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: a mentor a long time ago. He said, here, there
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: are three ways that you could be a leader. You
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: could be a leader that leads from the front, which
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: means that you're demonstrating leadership, You're setting an example for
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: other people to follow. He says. You could be the
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: leader that pushes from the back, which means more given instruction,
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: you're telling people what to do, you're putting him in
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: place to execute a task. Or you could be the
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: kind of leader that leads from the middle of the pack.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: And the middle of the pack leader does a little
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: bit of what the front leader does and a little
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: bit of what the back leader does, but the middle
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: of the pack leader is different because the people who
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: you leave feel like you're with them, you're in the
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: struggle with them. You ever seen one of those movies,
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: like one of the med evil movies, or like Game
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: of Thrones on the fantasy thriller that has the king
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: on the horse and the king is like riding up
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: the soldiers and they all got horses on, and there's
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: another army on the other side, and they stand each
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: other face to face on the battlefield, and there's the
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: king that's riding back and forth with his horse, rolling
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: up his men, and then he says charged, and he's
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: the first horse in the battle. That's a different kind
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: of king than the king that sits on the hill,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: away from the fight, away from the danger, away from
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: the violence. He's instructing his men on what to do.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: They may lose their lives, but he is not at
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: risk of losing his something to think about. One of
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: the things I hear most often, especially at the barbershop,
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: is you know, men are natural born leaders, men fit
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: to lead, Men are designed to lead. And that feels
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: good to say, I'm sure because it makes you feel
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: like there is some maybe preordained assignment for you to
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: be in charge of people, or for you to make
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: the decisions that impact the way that people live or
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: the things that people are able to acquire. And that's dope.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: It feels good. But I was sure about that. Are
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: we sure that just by default of being a man,
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: just by default of being a dude, that means that
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: you're a natural born leader. I don't know. I don't know.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I question it because leadership isn't the
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: loudest dude in the room. Leadership isn't the one isn't
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: necessarily the person that's barking orders. Leadership isn't about being seen.
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: It's not about being the first in line, on the
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: first with your hand up, or being the most bossy,
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: or being the most coercive. That's that's not leadership. Leadership,
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: to me, isn't self serving. And I'll talk about this
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: later in the episode. That's not about what it does
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: for you. It's about what it does for the collective.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: You just so happen to be the vessel that that
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: movement is going through. Am I making any sense to
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: anybody out there? Because oftentimes when we think about leadership,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: and I'm gonna say leadership a lot in this episode,
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: oftentimes when we think about leadership, we think about it
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: as you being the singular, unilateral decision maker for either
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: yourself or a group of people. And I don't see
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: it that way. I think that when you are in
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: front of a group of people, everybody brings something special.
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: Everybody brings their own genius to the table. And the
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: best leaders are not the ones that think they have
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: the They have all of the answers and all of
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: the tools. The best leaders are the ones that surround
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: themselves with people who are really good at their individual assignments,
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: and they can get the best out of those people
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: by saying, Hey, I'm not I'm good at this one
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: thing over here, but you're amazing at this other thing,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: and we need this other thing right now we need
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: Can we depend on you to use your genius? What
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: do you think? What would you do? The best leaders
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: don't always need someone to cheer them on. They don't
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: need the trophy, they don't need the prize, they don't
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: need the big piece of chicken. Necessarily. The satisfaction in
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: their leadership is in the clap clap, claps, and the
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: pats on the back. No, no, no, no. The satisfaction
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: in their leadership philosophy is the goal being accomplished. It's
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: the people around them being satisfied and being happy. I
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: always said, I know I'm a good leader when the
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: people around me are thriving and they feel comfortable stepping
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: into their own greatness, not just hovering under me, you know,
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: not just living in my shadow, but becoming their own
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: version of what I love to see in myself. So
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: that brings the question, you're the leader, but the leader
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: of what? Are you the leader at home? Are you
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: the leader at work? Are you a leader within your community?
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Are you leader within your faith community? Is it religious base?
• 7:43
  Speaker 1: Where are you leading? Exactly? I remember, man, when I
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: first crossed my fraternity on Megasi five, crossed on a Wednesday,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: and it was great. And by Friday we were voting.
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: They voted me to be the vice president of the chapter.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: A why I'm like y'all snow, I'm the reluctant leader.
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: I'd rather sit in the back sometimes and just do
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: my thing, but I always get called the lead. And
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: then if that Friday I was the president, a vice president,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: six months leader, I became the president of the entire chapter.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: And I gotta tell these other dudes, they've been in
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: the fraternity way longer than me what to do, And
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: it's not always a comfortable position. But it helped me
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: realize that leadership doesn't always come at a moment. If
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: you're choosing, how will you answer to call? Oh, we
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: get we got a lot to discuss today, So keep
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: that in mind. I want you to think about your
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: own leadership philosophy, think about how you lead, and then
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: let's kick it to this episode. You ready me a
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: couple of minutes. Are you good? Because I usually just
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: jump into it. You're good, all right? That man said,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: let's go all right? So I think it's important the
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: level set by just pointing out exactly how I see leadership,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: how I define it, And I define a leader as
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: a person of sine decision making capability that keeps in
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: mind the collective best interests of the people who he's
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: assigned the lead or she's assigned the lead. Period. It's
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: not who you are, it's how you are. You understand.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Some people are natural born leaders, yeah, but some people
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: are just born with natural leadership capability. That capability has
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: to be practiced over time. A leader isn't someone who
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: I think looks good on paper. A leader is someone
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: who has demonstrated the skills and abilities to be able
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: to not only navigate themselves, a navigated group of people
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: through challenging situations. So you know what that means, right.
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I don't think that leadership is a birthright. I think
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: leadership is something that's earned and demonstrated throughout time. But
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: you I don't know if you're born a leader. And
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I know I'm not asking you to agree with me.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: I'm just asking you to widen your aperture and consider
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: this perspective. I mentioned this in the intro and I'm
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: gonna reiterated. I think a lot of men have this
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: idea that just by virtue of being men, we inherit
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: these leadership capabilities. And let's just take it from empirical
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: and let's just make an anecdotal right now. And if
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: you don't know, empirical means, there's evidence in data and
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: studies to back up what I'm saying. Anecdotal is just
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: little tibbits and stories from my own experience. And some
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: of the worst leaders that I've ever had in my
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: entire life that I've ever been under the tutelage of
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: have been men. Some of the best leaders too, but
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: some of the worst, I mean. And it's funny because
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: when you hear, like when you be around the homies
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: or you be around dudes you don't know, and men
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: are talking amongst men oftentimes when men don't think that
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: women are fit to lead the art argument is that
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: women are too emotional. Women are too emotional to lead,
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: And that's always funny to me because I think men
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: are insanely emotional. Remember, there's a difference between emotion and
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: emotional expression. Emotion is what you feel. Expression is what
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: you do. Just because you don't do the thing does
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: not mean you don't feel the thing. If you are
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: denying the emotional expression, you're trying to stay stolen. You're
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: trying to through the cool polls that we talked about
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: in a prior episode. These things that we men do.
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: I do it too, But you doing that doesn't eliminate
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: the actual emotion, and you still act off of the
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: emotion in one way or another. I mean to cut
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: on the news man. Look at the world leaders, all
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: of these men, they are highly, highly emotional and make
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: it irrational emotional decisions. So I never really bought into that.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: And also I grew up in a family where the
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: biggest decision makers in the family were women. The men
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: had the access to the money, and it can make
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: it seem like that's some type of authoritative assignment, but
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: it's just the access that they had when they came
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: home back in the day. Whose grandpa giving them money
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: to who's buying the supplies for the house, who's making
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: decisions for the kids? Where y'all go to school, small
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: decisions every single day, what y'all gonna eat, what kind
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: of things the kids will be doing for the summer.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: And that's not to say that that's all that women
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: are relegated to, not at all. It's just that was
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: a different time and we had a different different levels
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: of freedom were afforded to people, and women didn't have
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: that much mobility. Here he go, he on hipand ing
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: the women. Nah, man, Nah, I'm level setting, because if
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: we're gonna have the conversation, let's have the conversation. Honestly,
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: there are women who demonstrate a tremendous leadership over time,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: and they don't always get looked at through that light
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: because they're not a dude. I've been in boardrooms where
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: men will be talking the women will have a dope
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: idea and bad was it just talk over? And I'm like,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: hold on, slim, did you not hear what she just said?
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: Like that was important. I've had men talk over other
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: men that they thought were weaker than them, And that's
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: another thing. If you're a man, that doesn't demonstrate Greek grit,
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: or you're not large and stature, or no one's afraid
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: of you, or no one's apprehensive to try you. Sometimes
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: they don't think that you're a good leader. Ah man,
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: we gotta get old of that. Leadership has a thousand
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: different genres. It doesn't just look one way. So if
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: you don't see yourself as a leader, it doesn't mean
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: that you're not a leader. It means that you're probably
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: not practicing your leadership capabilities in a section that's custom
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: fit for who you are and how you move around.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: Happens every day. So if you see yourself as a leader, bro,
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: my question is what are you actually doing? And this
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: ain't to make you feel less then it's just the
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: challenge it. Let's see what's actually going on. Are you
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: elevating the people in your family you know? Are you
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: the rising tide that lifts all ships? Like I said earlier,
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: are you allowing their genius to shine? If they're really
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: good at something, do you help them demonstrate that? Do
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: you help them show that to the world, or do
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: you shove it back in the box. Because anything that
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: doesn't highlight your leadership capabilities feels like a threat, or
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: are you just relegating people to the roles that you
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: carved out for where it's less about what they're capable
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: of and who they are, it's more about how you
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: see them and if they step outside of the box
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: or how you see them, what's the punishment for that?
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: Do you punish them with distance? Do you punish them
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: with coldness? Do you reinforce their insecurities? Now, this isn't
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: an attempt to emasculate men. I know a lot of
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: times one of the resound and reframes is that society
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: is trying to feminize men, trying to take men and
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: not make them men anymore. You're trying to turn them
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: into a version of women. And I don't necessarily agree
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: with that. I also don't disagree with it. I understand
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: where it comes from, and it doesn't come from nowhere.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: But I'm not trying to turn you into some spineless, toothless,
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: defenseless victim right now, trying to make sure that you
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: are who you say you are and you can do
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: what you think you're capable of doing. It's just a
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: matter of putting it in the right context. But you
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: can't put anything in the context if you don't first
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: examine what your biases are, not ignore them, not run
• 15:36
  Speaker 1: a red light and drive right past them, but actually
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: look at what your biases are, how they affect the
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: way that you think. Sometimes those biases give us a
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: blown up self image of who we are and how
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: we are. You have a mess somebody who stick their
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: chest out and walk like they own in the room,
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: but they've never earned the right to do any of that.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: You haven't met somebody who you do a group project
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: with or something, and they just start bossing people around
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: in a group and they never stop to realize that
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: they don't know what they're talking about or they're not
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: really qualified for that position. The bias of hey, I
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: deserve to be a leader because I know I'm that
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: person can cloud your judgment, and they can you can
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: kind of prevent you from saying, oh, you know the
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: other people in a room that also have genius, let
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: me not be the first one to talk, let me stop, sit, observe,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: and then move. When you move too preheptively because you're
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: trying to prove something, you could be moving in the
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: wrong direction. I think one of the not I think,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: but I know for sure. One of the most unfortunate
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: things that we do with the concept of leadership is
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: we conflated with dominance, and you see it all the time.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Leadership and dominance can in some respects, I guess it
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: can look the same. When you're on top and you're
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: undisputed and you're unquestionable, and everyone knows that you're good
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: at what you do and you're admired and respected. I
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: can see how that can look like leadership. But sometimes
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: those are just optics. And again, leadership isn't who you are,
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: is how you are. So let's talk about how leadership
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: and dominance get mixed up with one another, just so
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: we can clear that up. So, dominance is the manifestation
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: of self interest. Dominance absolutely needs to find something to
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: be better than. It has to find something to be
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: better than. Dominance is obsessed with the idea of projecting strength.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Dominance needs to be impenetrable. It needs to always be
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: the biggest, It needs to be the loudest. It needs
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: to be domineering. It needs to be controlling, at least
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: to an extent. It needs to be viewed as primary
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: and prioritized. Dominance is about how you see me and
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: about how the way you see me makes me feel
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: about myself. I feel good when people are looking up
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: to me. I feel good when people have to follow
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: the decisions that I made for them because I know
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: what's best. I know what's best for you. Leadership is
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: different though. Leadership isn't about steering your hand. Leadership is
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: about guiding you. It's about guiding your path. When it
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: comes to leadership, the trophies in the accolades are They're
• 18:53
  Speaker 1: not that important. That's not what you're here for. You're
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: not here for the round of applause. Leadership is satisfied
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: with the fact that the mission that we were set
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: out to accomplish got accomplished. Did it happen the way
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: that I wanted it to know? It didn't, and I
• 19:12
  Speaker 1: wish it would. I wish it would have. That would
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: have made me feel good, But me feeling good is
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: not as important as everybody crossing the finish line. I
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: have everybody's best interest in mind without neglecting my own,
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: and the fact that we're here satisfaction enough for me.
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: That's how I see leadership, and you can take that anywhere.
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: Leadership in a community, leadership at work, and leadership at home.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: I got a really good example of that. I remember
• 19:42
  Speaker 1: an old coworker that I had. He and I used
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: to talk often just about family and what moves you
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: want the family to make it. He had he was
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: married before I was, he had more kids than I did,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: and I think that not only did he see himself
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: as a leader in his home, but he was feeling
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: the pressure of leadership, which is something man, y'all remind
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: me to touch on that, because that's the part we
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: don't talk about the pressure of assumed leadership, cause not
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: only do men see themselves as leaders, sometimes the communities
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: and the people that we love naturally see us as
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: leaders too and can push us in that direction, and
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: which makes us make decisions before we're ready, or which
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: makes us posture in a certain way to make sure
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: that we can keep the love, safety and respect of
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: the people around us. Just remind me about that. Let's
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: put a pin in that. But I wanna talk about
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: my coworker because he had this idea that he needed
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: to move his family, and I don't know what it
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: was supported by. I don't know what it was back by,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: but when we would talk about it, he's he was
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: just like, Hey, sometimes you gotta be the villain in
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: the story. And whenever people say that, I always perk
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: my ears up, like, wait, why you gotta be the
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: villain in the story? Are you about to do something
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: that people ain't rocking with? And that's just how you
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: gonna be okay with it? And he said, you know,
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: this is what my family needs to do, and this
• 20:53
  Speaker 1: is what I'm this is what we're doing. This is
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: what I'm deciding for my family. So he packed them
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: up and he moved them to another city. He bought
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: another house. He did not consult his wife. He had
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: two high school aged children. He did not consult his children.
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: I don't know if he really thought it through, like
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: thoroughly looked at all of the factors and came to
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: a decision that he thought was in the collective best
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: interests of all the folks in this house. I think
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: this is what he believed the next move was supposed
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: to be. He acted on it. He started springing forward
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: with that plan. What he didn't calculate is that he
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: moved further away from family help, so they didn't have
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: as many hands to help them with the kids. And
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: even when your kids are teenagers. You still need more hands,
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: you need more eyes, You need your village. He moved
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: away from his village. His wife moved away from her friends.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: She didn't have community anymore. His kids moved away from
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: the people who they known almost their entire lives. The
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: market wasn't that good in the place that they moved.
• 21:56
  Speaker 1: And I don't know if he ended up upside down
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: on a mortgage, but I just remember it was an
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: issue with how much the house was worth, and he
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: wasn't happy with it. He wasn't happy with the commute anymore.
• 22:06
  Speaker 1: There was just so many factors that could have been considered.
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: If instead of making the unilateral decision that this is
• 22:14
  Speaker 1: what we're going to do because I'm the man, and
• 22:16
  Speaker 1: this is just what we're gonna this is what we're
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: gonna be, if he would have sat the family down,
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: had a discussion with everybody and weighed the pros and
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: weighed the cons and weigh the upside and weigh the downside,
• 22:29
  Speaker 1: and see where everybody's head and heart was and this decision,
• 22:32
  Speaker 1: and then allow that to inform what everyone does next.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: That's the danger of the unilateral I'm the man, big
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: piece of chicken, leadership is that when you get it right,
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: I'm sure that feels amazing. When you get it wrong,
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: God damn you poke. You poke the holes in the
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: bottom of everybody's boat. And now you have to live
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: in a situation where people are disappointed and uncomfortable and
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: frustrated because of a decision that you made without consulting them,
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: without taking their best interest in the mind. And now
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: that reflection of all those feelings are right back at you,
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: and you can't escape it. When you live in a
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: house with people, you can't escape the way that they
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: feel about you. You can't run from that. And now
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: you have to feel that, and you got to eat that.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: And that is a tax that I don't think a
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: lot of us are expecting when we start making moves
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: like that. So that's why I say, you got to
• 23:29
  Speaker 1: take everybody's best interest in mine. Man. I'm a family
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: meeting type of dude. My kids right now as we
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: record this are almost nine and four, and when we
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: have family meetings, I ask them what they think. I
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: think adult A missed opportunity in leadership is giving children
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: a voice in the house, especially family leadership. Give them
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: kids a voice. They live here at people, let them
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: express what they think and feel, and let that be
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: a fact that you consider when you're making decisions. I
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: think that the best style of family leadership is one
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: where you truly give everybody in the house a voice.
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: They're not just ponds in your grand scheme of what
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: this family should be and where this family should go,
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: nah man. These are whole humans with dreams and skills
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: and worries and fears, and even the little ones, especially
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: the little ones, get a voice. It's not about you
• 24:33
  Speaker 1: executing your vision of what this family should be. It's
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: about you taking in consideration what they're saying, how they're feeling,
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: how they may react, and what they also think is
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: best for them, and you include that in your plan
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: moving forward. Now, don't get me wrong, Yes, my kids
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: have a voice in this family, absolutely, but to an
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: extent you leave it up to my kids eating chocolate
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: every damn morning for breakfast, and we ain't doing that.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: But if my three year if my four year old
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: says that she's if we want to consolidate their rooms
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: like we would thinking about moving them into the same
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: room at one point in time, and my eight year
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: old says, no, Daddy, I feel like, I need my
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: own space. I would love to take one of their
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: rooms and making a big ass closet. That'd be great.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I could just roll over her and be like, yeah,
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: I feel you, but now we not doing that. But
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: my baby says she needs her own space. Okay, okay,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: we won't do that. I'll take that into consideration. My
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: youngest baby, do not walk in her room with your
• 25:36
  Speaker 1: shoes on. She's not fit. She women. We don't wear
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: shoes in the house anyway, but even your flip flops,
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: don't wear them in her room. I can easily be like, man,
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: I pay for this rug and that bed and that
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: chair and that iPad. I do what I want. Nah,
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna respect your boundary, shorty, because if I respect
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: your boundaries right now, you grow to be a person
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: who understands that your boundaries need to be validated, respected
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: by everybody. I don't let my daddy. I ain't gonna
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: let you do it. I ain't gonna let you disrespect me.
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I want you to grow into that understanding, my baby.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: And that is why taking everybody's, everybody's viewing, opinions and
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: too consideration. Even if you don't do it, it's important.
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: You gotta give the people who you are who trust
• 26:17
  Speaker 1: your leadership. You gotta give them a voice. You got
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: to give them a say, got to give them a say. Man. So, yeah,
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: my coworker who decided to be the villain actually became
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: the villain. And I think he used that sometimes you
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: got to be a bad boy preface to self sue,
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: because I think he moved out of fear and not
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: an apprehension, and maybe out of a little bit of desperation,
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: because I know what it feels like for the people
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: in your house to look to you for leadership and
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: you not have the answers, and you got to kind
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: of make it up as you go along. And there
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: are a lot of men in relationships you can kind
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: of silently raise your hand if this applies to you
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: who the idea of leadership gets weaponized against them, the
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: idea that you're supposed to know what to do, and
• 27:02
  Speaker 1: it becomes a leverage point for your partner to judge
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: and criticize and interrogate every single thing you do, and
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: then to also hold you hostage, hold your identity hostage
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: every time you make a mistake, as I told you so.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: And then they move into see I knew you were
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: going to mess up like this, or you know, men
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: aren't the only ones that practice patriarchy and massogyny. There's
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: a lot of internalized massogyny where if you're with a woman,
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: she may have been raised to believe that men are
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: the leaders, and she thinks that in her mind, but
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: she doesn't operate like that because that's not realistic to
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: her in real life, just only as society has shaped it.
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: So she said, well, she'll say something like, well, why
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: don't you just lead, but takes every opportunity she can
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: to undermine everything that you do, question all of your decisions,
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: to make you feel like you're dumb when you have
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: an idea or when you have a thought or an inspiration.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: I get it. Social media is how we all talk
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: to each other. But we have flattened the hell out
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: of this conversation and we've taken a four dimensional idea
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: and turned into a flat line, and there's no nuance,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: there's no context, and we'll all repeating the same thing.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: It's the same Internet talking points. So leadership not only
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: requires you to be of sound decision making, but it
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: also requires you to have people who genuinely believe in
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: you for your skills and capabilities, and not just because
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: there's an idea that they've been culturalized to believe that
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: they really don't believe deeply. I see that a lot.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: And when I counsel couples, you're supposed to be the leader,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: and then yeah, but you don't want him to be
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: the leader, and you don't truly believe that. You wish
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: that it was true, but your actions and then your
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: thoughts and then your feelings and then your beliefs. I
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: don't see that demonstrated. And that's fine, but there is
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: self alignment is a thing when the thing that you
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: feel deeply in the way that you act has to
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: align in some way. And I'm not saying you got
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: to bow down to anybody and make anybody some type
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: of default leader. But if you don't believe it, you
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: don't believe it. And that's fine. But let's all get
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: on the same page of what we don't believe so
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: that we can move forward in a way that works
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: for everybody included, not just this fictitious idea of how
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: relationships are supposed to work that got trickled down from
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: what Disney movies. I don't know where we get the
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: inspiration from. But I'm a huge fan of being true
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: to ourselves and our deepest beliefs. So why do we
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: get this wrong? Where do we even get this wrong?
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: What do we get these ideas of leadership? Where does
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: the seed get planted in our minds? Well, I will
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: tell you, media culture and even some of our our
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: faith based institutions have taught us something. They've taught us
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: that to lead means to solely control, which is not
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: necessarily true. Sometimes there are situations where you are the leader.
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: Sure in their situations more often than not where you
• 30:18
  Speaker 1: are a leader, which means there are other people who
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: are fit to lead. In your singing bubble, we're never
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: really taught what it looks like to lead with humility,
• 30:31
  Speaker 1: humility and dignity. We don't see that as often as
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: we see the all encompassing, domineering style leader. What does
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: it mean to actually co lead? That means you're not
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: the singular person holding the reins. Again, there are other people.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: What does that actually look like? Do? What did Kanye
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: West say? Man crazy? Quoting Kanye West Crazy? Quoting Kanye West.
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: But in his song Power, he says, do you have
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: the power to let power go. I don't even know
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: if he does, but that was a good question. Do
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: you have good power to let power go? Because boy,
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: that is one of the most addicting things in the world,
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: and we don't know, We don't have the answer to that.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: So what do we do. We do what we do best.
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: We fake it, We mask, we project, we pretend, we perform,
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: and we do the best we can until we get
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: around something that feels familiar enough for us to say, Okay,
• 31:26
  Speaker 1: let's put our foot on the gas. We pretend and
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: some people's pretending looks very good. You can make it
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: very far pretending, but it's a house of cards and
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: it's very fragile, and with one strong wind, everything that
• 31:41
  Speaker 1: you're propping up with words and ideas comes tumbling down.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: Because action is the baseline of everything that we're talking about.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: So I have what I call a new old perspective
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: of leadership because it's new but it's actually old. But
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: it's kind of new, but it's still really old in
• 32:03
  Speaker 1: its newness, which is also it's oldness. You know what,
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: you get what I'm talking about. So, where a lot
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: of people see leadership as a gender assignment, I don't
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: I see leadership as a skill. It's like the ability
• 32:17
  Speaker 1: to cook, or the ability to weave baskets, or the
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: ability to shoot a basketball until the hoop from the three.
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: It's a skill, And what do we know about skills?
• 32:28
  Speaker 1: Skills grow when you've practiced them, just like when you
• 32:33
  Speaker 1: add the gym. Your chest muscles ain't gonna get big
• 32:35
  Speaker 1: by default. Your arm muscles and your shoulders they're not
• 32:38
  Speaker 1: gonna get big by default. They get bigger through reps.
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: The more that you move weight through space and you
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: get those reps in, the stronger you become. Same thing
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: with leadership. How are you getting your leadership? Rep saying
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: how are you practicing these leadership capabilities that you believe
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: yourself to have. I like to think about it as
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: a cycle. You fail, you course correct, you adapt, and
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: then you try again. You show it one more time,
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: then you fail, then you course correct, then you adapt,
• 33:09
  Speaker 1: you try again, fail, course correct, adapt, try again, boom
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom boom.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: When you keep doing those things in the circle, every
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: time you get back to try again, you should ideally
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: be at that stage with a better idea of how
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: you can move differently to get yourself a different outcome.
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: The failure isn't just an experience. The failure is a
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: lesson and it's a signal that what I did before
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: wasn't that effective. Let me tweak it and move in
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: a slightly different direction and see what I get. It's
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: a constant, never ending experimentation. I truly believe that real
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: leaders don't have to project strength, they just embody it.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: And I said this on Instagram a while ago. When
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: you're a true leader, you don't have to know when
• 34:00
  Speaker 1: you walk into the room, everybody'll know. They won't just
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: see you, they will feel you when you walk into
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: a room. It's not who you are, it's how you are.
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: So in a lot of different community, especially the black community.
• 34:14
  Speaker 1: If you not, I won't just say black, I'll say
• 34:17
  Speaker 1: specifically African American community. So this may not be something
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: that everybody knows about, but just just school chain for
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: a second and let me explain this. Please, please, please,
• 34:26
  Speaker 1: So we have this phrase in the African American community
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: when it comes to leadership, and we talk about, oh,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: this might be a stereotype. I never I never thought
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: about it. Before. But we talk about the big piece
• 34:41
  Speaker 1: of chicken and usually hear men say, I'm getting a
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: big piece of chicken. And what does that mean? If
• 34:48
  Speaker 1: you at a dinner table and you get the big
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: piece of chicken, the protein, especially if you West African
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: or if you are Caribbean, you know the protein is.
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: It's the coveted piece. You get a whole power rice,
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: but you just you might not get as much protein.
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: And the big piece of chicken is symbolic of your
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: importance in the house. You need more nourishment because you're
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: doing a lot of the work. You are prized, you
• 35:12
  Speaker 1: are valued, you are respected, you are love, you are seen,
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: which honestly, no key. I think that's what this leadership
• 35:19
  Speaker 1: rhetoric breaks down to, and men's inability to feel those
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: feelings in public or out in the world. And that's
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: the way that we know will feel those feelings. I
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: know if I'm a leader, I know that you'll see me.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: I won't be invisibilized. I know that you'll respect me.
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: I know that I won't be disposable to you. I
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: think those are feelings that men struggle with deeply. Will
• 35:40
  Speaker 1: save that. I've talked to my producer Big Hobbs, and
• 35:44
  Speaker 1: we'll save that for a future episode. But it does
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: bring into mind when we talk about the big piece
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: of chicken, the different leadership philosophies, because a big piece
• 35:56
  Speaker 1: of chicken is just about how I'll be served, how
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: I'll be looked at. What I take away from this,
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: what my personal or what Doeszelle say, I'm leaving here
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: with something. It's about what you're leaving here with, which
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: I don't think is the Bairey wick of leadership at all.
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: I think that's a selfish perspective in a lot of ways.
• 36:13
  Speaker 1: But allow me to break that down for you, though.
• 36:15
  Speaker 1: One of my favorite types of leadership is called servant leadership,
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: and that's how I see myself. I see myself as
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: a servant leader. And let me tell you what that means.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: A servant leader is one that makes sure that the
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: pack eats before they do. If you are the leader
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: of the pack, is making sure that the pups and
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: all the other pack eats before you sink your teeth
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: into a single morsel of sustenance. Now, now this doesn't
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: mean that you adorem or what's the clinical term, a
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: pa B. You ain't no punk ass bitch like that, ain't.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: You're not a pab on this joint. That's not what
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: this is about. You're not a doormat. You're not to
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: be walked over, taking advantage of, or overlooked. That's not
• 37:06
  Speaker 1: what this is. What this is is It's indicative of
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: you having a big enough vision that includes everybody. Everybody
• 37:19
  Speaker 1: is included in your vision, not just yourself. This isn't
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: about how you can fulfill your ambitions to be seen, heard, validated,
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: all the above. This is about how everybody survives together.
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: One thing that I noticed about great leaders, because I
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: notice a lot about really good leaders, I study him,
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: I try to talk to them, I try to pick
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: their brains. But the thing that I've noticed about some
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: of the best leaders that I've ever met in my
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: life is that they are not threatened by other leaders.
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: As a matter of fact, they're inspired and encouraged by
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: the string of other people's leadership. I think I'm not
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: threatened by strength in the room. It doesn't bother me
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: at all. I actually actually seek that strength out and recruited.
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like a light shine that brightly DIM's
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: mind at all. It shows me like, oh well, when
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: my light shines brightly, it has these cool blue undertones.
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: When your light shines has these orange, warm undertones. I
• 38:29
  Speaker 1: actually like the way that that looks and feels. Can
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: you show me how you do that? Let me shadow
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: you for a day, Let me figure out what your
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: philosophy is in leadership. I love being around strong leadership.
• 38:41
  Speaker 1: It never makes me feel a type of way because
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: your greatness doesn't do anything to mind. They don't compete
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: with one another. It's not a competition. They live alongside
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: one another. They coexist. There's enough room for multiple great
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: leaders to be in the same spot and making decisions
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: on the same project or initiative or direction, as long
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: as it's done respectfully, and it's not too many cooks
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: in the kitchen, because I can't stand thirty people screaming
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: really loudly trying to take charge. You know, we all
• 39:11
  Speaker 1: we need is one clear voice. The best leaders are
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: folks that still they're under leadership themselves. They have elders,
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: they have ogs, they have mentors, they have coaches, they
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: have people who still guide them even though they've made
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: it to wherever they are. They're not shy about recruiting
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: other folks in order to help them along their journey.
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: I always bring it home with athletes. I don't you
• 39:42
  Speaker 1: don't have an athlete that you love, Serena Williams, Michael Jordan,
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: Magic Johnson. How am I running out of athletes even
• 39:54
  Speaker 1: you know, even down to the folks who bowl or
• 39:57
  Speaker 1: play golf or everyone has a coach. They have a coach.
• 40:01
  Speaker 1: Football is my sport. I talk about it all the time.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Some of my favorite athletes have multiple coaches. I was
• 40:06
  Speaker 1: watching Patrick Mahomes, the quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs.
• 40:11
  Speaker 1: He has one coach that works on mobility with him,
• 40:14
  Speaker 1: and they doing crazy stuff like somebody pushes him to
• 40:16
  Speaker 1: the ground and he twists his body halfway and this
• 40:20
  Speaker 1: coach is teaching him how to become more flexible so
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: that he doesn't get injured. And I mean, he's coming
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: off of acl injury now, but look how many times
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: that man gets hit by a three hundred pounds dude.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: I'm surprised he hasn't broken his neck already. And that's
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: because he has someone training him in a specific area.
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: And then he probably has a throwing coach who trains
• 40:38
  Speaker 1: him in a specific area as a coach for someone
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: got in his nutrition, and someone got in his schedule,
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: and then he probably has someone helping with his family
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: plan and in his coordination of the way he's supposed
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: to be in his events. Leadership still needs other leaders
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: to shine in their individual respects in order for that
• 40:56
  Speaker 1: leader to be able to do what they do best
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: the way I refer it back to myself just being
• 41:08
  Speaker 1: an entrepreneur and being a family man and working in
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: all these various positions. I say I need a proof reader.
• 41:18
  Speaker 1: I am I leader, Yeah, but I need a proof reader. Kid,
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: What you're talking about? A proofreader? Dog? Were not writing?
• 41:27
  Speaker 1: We living? What What do you mean you need a proofreader?
• 41:31
  Speaker 1: I need someone to proofread for me because I am
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: too close to it and I spend an hour and
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: a half writing something. You know how you read something
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: that you've worked on, and when you reread it, you're
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: not reading the words on the paper. You're reading the
• 41:49
  Speaker 1: words that you intended to be on the paper. And
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: I'll read T A T E H S D all
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: the time or L I V E D. Lived is
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: love all the time. I'm too close to it to
• 42:03
  Speaker 1: be able to see this thing holistically. So I need
• 42:06
  Speaker 1: someone else to walk in with fresh eyes and tell
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: me the mistakes that they see. Now, if that is
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: true to the things that I write, that can also
• 42:15
  Speaker 1: be true to the things that I think, the things
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: that I feel, and the things that I do. I
• 42:22
  Speaker 1: need someone to look over it with fresh eyes and
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: tell me and bring to my awareness what may be
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: living in my blind spot. I love a perpetual student,
• 42:36
  Speaker 1: someone who is always willing to learn. I consider myself
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: a student for life. I'm always learning something I'm excited
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: to learn. I always try to add more tools than
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: my belt. I never miss an opportunity to gain knowledge
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: of something that I didn't have before. I love when
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: a great leader still takes an opportunity to learn. And
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: a really good example was something I'm about to queue
• 43:02
  Speaker 1: up right now. I want to cue up this scene
• 43:05
  Speaker 1: from the Black Panther movie where T'chyla does that exact thing.
• 43:10
  Speaker 1: Let's watch it, come back and talk about it. You
• 43:12
  Speaker 1: need the best the Design Group has to offer. Exhibit
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: A by design old tech, old functional but old. Everybody
• 43:22
  Speaker 1: are sitting at me. Wait, let me put on my
• 43:25
  Speaker 1: helmet enough, look at this. Strike it. I'm not hot.
• 43:32
  Speaker 1: Genius told me to strike it. If you didn't say
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: how hot man. I forget how good that movie is.
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: I forget how good that movie is all the time.
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: But it shows an example of the leadership that I'm
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: talking about. You have t'chila, who's a genius and a
• 43:54
  Speaker 1: leader and a warrior and a superhero, and he is
• 43:58
  Speaker 1: still differring to the brilliance of his sister. He is
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: still deferring to the brilliance of his mother and his
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: counsel and his people. That's what made him a good leader,
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: not the fact that he was able to kick ass
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: like nobody's business, but the fact that he was able
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: to take it to consideration what all these people were thinking,
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: be clear of thought, and then be actionable with all
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: those things in mind. Did he hold authority absolutely the
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: entire movie. That's who he is. He's an embodiment of authority,
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: but he also made room for the expertise of the
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: other people in the room. He's brilliant, but he's not
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: sure he he can't develop technology the way that she can.
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: He allows her, not only allows, but encourages and celebrates
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: her in her own genius. And look how much better
• 44:49
  Speaker 1: everybody is because of it. He didn't need to be
• 44:52
  Speaker 1: the smartest person in the room to make sure that
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: Wakanda thrived. And I think that's a beautiful template for
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: the way that I would like to demonstrate my leadership philosophy.
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: And it's something for you to think about too. To
• 45:06
  Speaker 1: chiall love possesses a lot of amazing leadership qualities, and
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: you may possess a lot of amazing leadership qualities too,
• 45:14
  Speaker 1: but you may not see it that way. So let's
• 45:16
  Speaker 1: talk about some of what you may already do that
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: plants the seeds and is indicative of you being a
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: really good leader. Let's talk about those capabilities and drill
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: down on them a little bit. It's one thing to
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: demonstrate them, is another thing to hear somebody say them
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: out loud and you identify with that. One of the
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: gifts that positions you to be an incredible leader is
• 45:36
  Speaker 1: a sense of resilience. The fact that you've already failed
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: and figured it out and try had the bravery to
• 45:44
  Speaker 1: try again. That says a lot about what your capability is.
• 45:49
  Speaker 1: That right, there is leadership experience. That's how you grow it,
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: homegrown from the ground up, straight out the mud, because
• 45:56
  Speaker 1: that's how you do that. Another one that's creativity and
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: solve and that's so important. When you can find a
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: way or you can forge a path, whether it wasn't
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: one before, that's a gift. That's a gift, and that's
• 46:11
  Speaker 1: something you can maximize and continue to exercise and be
• 46:14
  Speaker 1: great at. What about community, your your sense of community.
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: You already know how to move with your people. You
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: have the knowledge and you have the experience with that
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: that's already in you. But when it comes to leadership,
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: I think the missing piece sometimes or the piece that
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: needs to be practiced, is doing it with consistency and intentionality.
• 46:37
  Speaker 1: So when you can move that way, but you can
• 46:39
  Speaker 1: do it consistently and more intentional, I think that turns
• 46:43
  Speaker 1: into another kind of skill set right there. That's a gift.
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: What about loyalty. We hear this all the time, but
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know if we understand how important it is
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: for a leader to be loyal And by that I
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: mean people who show up for their team and show
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: up for their people, whether anybody sees it and notices
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: it or not. You know, loyalty isn't just about what
• 47:05
  Speaker 1: people notice you doing. It's about the ties, the allegiance
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: and the honesty you have when nobody's looking. When there's
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: nobody around to celebrate you, it's just you. Nobody else
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: will know what decisions do you make. I think that
• 47:18
  Speaker 1: that dictates where you're loyalty lies. The last really important
• 47:23
  Speaker 1: gift is I'll make it two part. I'll say humor
• 47:26
  Speaker 1: and warmth, because not everybody can be warm and not
• 47:30
  Speaker 1: everybody can be funny. But it's easier to be warm
• 47:33
  Speaker 1: than it is funny. All right, So let's say it's
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: an and or humor and warmth. What does that mean.
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: It's the ability to hold a room. It's the ability
• 47:45
  Speaker 1: to make people feel safe, make them feel seen. That
• 47:50
  Speaker 1: to me is true influence. That is a core but
• 47:56
  Speaker 1: often overlook building block of leadership. But the building blocks
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: need to be watered. You know, you can put a
• 48:04
  Speaker 1: seed into the ground, and even if the soil is rich,
• 48:07
  Speaker 1: you still need to water it. So how do you
• 48:09
  Speaker 1: water the seed of leadership? And how do you water
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: those gifts so that it grows into something that can
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: bear fruit and feed everybody around you. Well, I think
• 48:21
  Speaker 1: one way to do it is with a growth mindset.
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: So let's do a little bit of pivoting and talk
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: about how we can use a growth mindset to maximize
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: these skills or these gifts that we have and turn
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: it into true blue, full fledged, high octane leadership capability.
• 48:40
  Speaker 1: All of these gifts need one thing, and it might
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: not be where you think it is. All of these
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: gifts need a willingness to grow that is away from
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: the idea of perfection. You know, they say practice makes less.
• 48:58
  Speaker 1: Brown's one of my favorite motivation speakers. He says practice
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: makes and people say perfect. He says, no practice makes improvement.
• 49:06
  Speaker 1: Perfect is not a thing. That's one of my favorite
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: bars from him, and I think it's absolutely true. But
• 49:11
  Speaker 1: what's harder is having the willingness to be honest, the
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: willingness to who you're ready for this one be corrected,
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: which is not easy for a lot of us, and
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: most importantly, the willingness to try again. It's one thing
• 49:29
  Speaker 1: to be knocked over one hundred times, it's another thing
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: to get up one hundred and one. And the try
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: again factor is what's going to separate the leaders from
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: the capable leaders. I don't know how you can lead
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: if you are so afraid to fail that you cannot
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: admit your mistakes, and not just not admit your mistakes
• 49:54
  Speaker 1: to anyone else. You can't admit your mistakes to yourself.
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: I don't know how you grow into a great leader
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: with that type of block over your eyelands, because if
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: you're moving with that type of fear of being exposed
• 50:07
  Speaker 1: for being imperfect, I don't know, man, I don't know
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: if that's leadership. That just may be well dressed fear.
• 50:16
  Speaker 1: That is fear wearing a tuxedo and some Christian luba times,
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: but it's still fear no matter how expensive the outfit is.
• 50:27
  Speaker 1: You are who you are, a player. You gotta call
• 50:29
  Speaker 1: a spade a spade. You can't grow from the things
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: you don't acknowledge, and you can't acknowledge the things that
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: you deliberately run from. So it's a matter of staying
• 50:40
  Speaker 1: still and going through it. The only way to go
• 50:43
  Speaker 1: through it is to go through it. Man, you gotta
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: face your uncomfortable truths bravely. I talk about it in
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: my book all the time. You have to face your
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable truths bravely in order to persevere throughing What did
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: the great poet lawn? He'll say, how you gonna win
• 51:00
  Speaker 1: when you ain't right with them? That was a bo
• 51:03
  Speaker 1: don't or she knew at the time when she wrote that,
• 51:06
  Speaker 1: how relevant that would be to almost everything in life.
• 51:11
  Speaker 1: But you know, Big Chrit said it had to do
• 51:15
  Speaker 1: without until I did within. You know, it's all about
• 51:18
  Speaker 1: mastering your not mastering, but attempting to understand your internal world,
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: what's going on behind your eye lids, in your mind
• 51:26
  Speaker 1: and in your heart. Not lying about it, not rebranding
• 51:32
  Speaker 1: it or trying to manipulate it so that it sounds
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: more palatable, but to actually try to understand and embrace it.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: That's a hard job, hard but necessary job. And look,
• 51:48
  Speaker 1: I believe that coleading is a strength. It's not just
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: about me, It's about who the other leader is beside me.
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: And I talk about my wife all the time. Y'all
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: heard the episode if you did not courage you to
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: go back and us to the episode with no Amy,
• 52:01
  Speaker 1: my wife know Amy, It's very clear when you talk
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: to her, Shorty is a leader. She is a leader.
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: She's always a member of a board with something, or
• 52:13
  Speaker 1: the class parent or or she's always taking a leadership role.
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: That's just who she is as a human being. And
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: I would never want to diminish that. I want to
• 52:24
  Speaker 1: emphasize that, you know, I want to I want to
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: celebrate that. It only benefits our family more when she
• 52:32
  Speaker 1: can be her most authentic self. And if her authentic
• 52:35
  Speaker 1: self is taking the lead, take the lead, boot, take
• 52:39
  Speaker 1: the take the lead. You. What do you think? What
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: do you think is the best I did? Even in
• 52:44
  Speaker 1: our business, I call her my co pilot all the
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: time because I think she's brilliant, and I want to
• 52:49
  Speaker 1: use that brilliance to not only emphasize how dope she is,
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: but to help move our collective agenda forward. Man, we
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: want to have our family have the best opportunities that
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: can possibly have. We want our girls to be as
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: successful as they can possibly be. We want to experience
• 53:04
  Speaker 1: as much joy as we can on this earth before
• 53:07
  Speaker 1: we leave. And I don't always have the plan. But
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: what would it look like if I ignore the plan
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: that she has because I'm uncomfortable with the idea of
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: co leadership. That don't take nothing away from me. Man,
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: you can't listen, Man, you can't. I'm a Game of
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: Throngs fan, and one thing they say about the Targarian
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: is you gotta let a dragon be a dragon. If
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: you don't know about Game of Throngs, I don't have
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: enough time to explain, But you gotta let people be
• 53:31
  Speaker 1: who they are. Don't try to diminish, don't try to
• 53:34
  Speaker 1: water down, because you do a disservice to everybody when
• 53:37
  Speaker 1: you do that. Y'all know, if y'all been listening to
• 53:41
  Speaker 1: this part, y'all know, I'm big on practical applications, which
• 53:43
  Speaker 1: is taking all this cool stuff that you're saying and
• 53:45
  Speaker 1: making it useful. Practical applications where the rubber meets the road.
• 53:49
  Speaker 1: How we gonna actually do it, How we gonna apply it,
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: my man. So let's talk about how we do that,
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: how we actually deploy all this good information and put
• 53:59
  Speaker 1: it to work in the real world out here in
• 54:01
  Speaker 1: a while. A few questions that I want you to
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: ask yourself. Number one, Am I leader from a place
• 54:08
  Speaker 1: of fear? Or am I leading from belief in the
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: actual outcome? Number two question I want you to ask yourself.
• 54:18
  Speaker 1: Do people in my sphere actually feel like they're winning
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: because of my presence? Number Three? Am I making room
• 54:26
  Speaker 1: for other people to lead too? Or am I hoarding
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: all the authority? Like toilet paper at the grocery store
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: before a hurricane? You know that'd be the first thing
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: to go. Are you taking it off for yourself? Are
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: you allowing other people to shine as well? And number four,
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: I want you to be real honest with yourself with
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: this one, because this is a doozy Number four, Do
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: I want the title or the responsibility? Don't judge yourself.
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: You don't even have to answer, right, No, now, just
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: think about it. Now. There was this economist back in
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: the day. His name was Milton Friedman, and he dropped
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: one of the simplest but dopest bars of all time,
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: and he said, there's no such thing as a free lunch. Now,
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: if you listening to this, chances are you living in
• 55:20
  Speaker 1: a capitalistic society, and I think a part of you
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: knows that there's no such thing as a free lunch.
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: But basically, what he's trying to say is that there's
• 55:28
  Speaker 1: an associated cost with everything. There's nothing that you can
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: have that won't cost you something. It's just a matter
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: of what it will cost you and how much of
• 55:38
  Speaker 1: it it will cost. And that also applies to leadership.
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: So let's take a moment and talk about the cost
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: of leadership, because it's something I don't think we think about,
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: but I think it's something we need to think about
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: more what it a cost of leadership is going to
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: cost you your ego. For shore, I find myself having
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: to put down my ego on the regular I just
• 55:59
  Speaker 1: got to take get off like a book bag and
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: set it on the table because it's not always room
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: for it to exist alongside good decision making. It's going
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: to cost you your comfort. I hate to tell you this,
• 56:11
  Speaker 1: but it's not always a comfortable position to be in.
• 56:14
  Speaker 1: Leading't means sticking to it. It means sticking to it,
• 56:19
  Speaker 1: especially when it gets hard. That's not the signal to quit,
• 56:22
  Speaker 1: that's the signal to change something. Leadership is going to
• 56:26
  Speaker 1: cost you your certainty, which is a pride killer. But
• 56:29
  Speaker 1: it's going to cost you your certainty. What does that mean.
• 56:33
  Speaker 1: It means that great leaders need to be comfortable with saying, hey,
• 56:36
  Speaker 1: I don't actually know right now. I'm not one hundred
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: percent sure, but I'm down to try to figure it out.
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: Leadership will cost you your isolation. And I know a
• 56:46
  Speaker 1: lot of times it's not just men, but I know
• 56:50
  Speaker 1: especially men have a hard time making the distinction between
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: isolation and solitude and not the same thing. But it's
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: going to cost you the comfort of vicelation. What does
• 57:00
  Speaker 1: that mean you are going to have to be comfortable
• 57:04
  Speaker 1: with being seen and being questioned? And I know, I know,
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: I know, I know when I said that I could
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: I can hear the collective hell nas. But you're going
• 57:16
  Speaker 1: to have to get comfortable with that. That's what it
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: costs you. Sorry, man, You're going to pay up and
• 57:22
  Speaker 1: leadership will cost you your need to be right. If
• 57:25
  Speaker 1: you're a person that needs to be right, this is
• 57:27
  Speaker 1: going to be It might be a sticking point for you.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: The goal here is having a successful outcome. It's not
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: necessarily just you taking credit for making a call. You
• 57:40
  Speaker 1: got to keep in mind what Deona saying to say,
• 57:43
  Speaker 1: got to keep the main thing the main thing, and
• 57:45
  Speaker 1: the main thing is the outcome, what happens at the
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: end of the day. But they say at the end
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: of the day, the day is going in. When the
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: day is, what are you left with? How close are
• 57:55
  Speaker 1: you to your goal? How much closer are you than
• 57:58
  Speaker 1: you thought you'd be? And how much better are you
• 58:02
  Speaker 1: at making the call than you were yesterday? I think
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: those are just two great questions that every leader needs
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: to ask themselves constantly and continuously. All right, well, yeah,
• 58:13
  Speaker 1: that's that's what it costs. That's the tax, But what's
• 58:16
  Speaker 1: the payoff? Uh huh uh, what's the payoff? What am
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: I actually getting here? Well, you will have people feel
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: a lot safer in your presence. And remind me to
• 58:33
  Speaker 1: tell y'all one day about the difference between fear and respect,
• 58:36
  Speaker 1: because we conflict those all the time. But when people
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: feel safe in your presence, there's a level of respect
• 58:44
  Speaker 1: for you that they operate within that is indescribable. It
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: always feels good. It's so reassured. You also have the
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: payoff of a house or a family or a community
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: or partnership that actually runs well. It does it's designed
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: to do, and everybody's eating. That's really important. And you
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: know to be running well when people continue to eat
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: when you're not even in the room anymore. That's when
• 59:10
  Speaker 1: that's when you know you firing on all cylinders and
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: you're doing something right. It doesn't require your your consistent blood,
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: sweat and tears in order to operate what Tiffany Alice
• 59:22
  Speaker 1: the budget needs to say. You don't got to dance
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: for dollars. You set up playing in place and it's
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: operating like a machine is supposed to. That's that's a
• 59:31
  Speaker 1: really good sign right there. One of the dopest payoffs
• 59:35
  Speaker 1: for me and I've experienced as lately is when other
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: leaders point at you and say, man, he helped me
• 59:40
  Speaker 1: through this. She helped me through this. You helped me
• 59:43
  Speaker 1: through this. Your idea helped me get through a sticking
• 59:45
  Speaker 1: point that I didn't see coming and I didn't think
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: i'd get through by myself. That's that's a huge payoff.
• 59:52
  Speaker 1: That's that that really is the horizon tide theory right there,
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: because that's that's what you want. That's ultimately what you
• 59:59
  Speaker 1: want from the position that you hold. And to me,
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: I say the biggest payoff, the biggest payoff is probably
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: I would say it's the confidence that comes with knowing
• 1:00:15
  Speaker 1: that you actually did the work. I don't know if
• 1:00:18
  Speaker 1: you ever like.
• 1:00:21
  Speaker 2: Hunt it for your own food, or fished for your
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 2: own food, or plant it something that grew into an
• 1:00:28
  Speaker 2: edible like a carrot or pepper and you had a
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 2: garden and you got to plant the seed and pick
• 1:00:34
  Speaker 2: the pepper off.
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: The tree and eat it. There's something really rewarding about
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: eating food that you cultivated, grew, or gathered yourself. And
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: I think that same principle applies to getting a job
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 1: done and getting it done thoroughly, getting it done well.
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know about y'all, but I get the best
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: sleep when i've been exercising, you know, when I've been
• 1:00:55
  Speaker 1: working my body, when I've been really challenging and pushing
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: my body to the limits. Ward is a deeper and
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: more more full rest. Take from that what you will,
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: I think, but I do think those things are applicable
• 1:01:10
  Speaker 1: on both sides of the board. Here now, listen, if
• 1:01:13
  Speaker 1: this episode was a hit for you, if something that
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: I said resonates with you, if it gave you an idea,
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: if it gave you a thought, if it gave you
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 1: any type of inspiration, any reflective thought, any of that.
• 1:01:26
  Speaker 1: Y'all know that we're building this community brick by break
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 1: brick soon, and I need to hear from you. I
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: need to hear what you're thinking. This is. This is
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: supposed to be a community, which means you talk to me.
• 1:01:39
  Speaker 1: I talk to you. You talk to me. I talk
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 1: to you. Now you know how I talk to you.
• 1:01:44
  Speaker 1: We're doing it right now, But how do you talk
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: to me? Well, I want you to go to my
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: website learnthhardwaypod dot Com. In there, I have a feature
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: where you can leave a voice message, and when you
• 1:01:58
  Speaker 1: leave those voice messages, I will read them when we
• 1:02:01
  Speaker 1: do our mailbag episodes. Now respond to you right here
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: on this microphone on this podcast, live and living color.
• 1:02:08
  Speaker 1: So let's let's talk about leadership, even if you're the
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: person had to figure it all out by yourself. I
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: want to hear from you, So do that tap in
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: with me. I'll tap in with you and together we're
• 1:02:20
  Speaker 1: gonna grow. Like that's how this thing works. Yeah, all right,
• 1:02:24
  Speaker 1: I want to hear from y'all. Speaker pipe, want you'all
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: to leave me those voice messages on learnthhard waypod dot com.
• 1:02:31
  Speaker 1: Thank you, and conclusion on as we laying this airplane.
• 1:02:37
  Speaker 1: It's a few things that I hope stick with you.
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: Leadership is not dominance, and leadership is not a birthright.
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: Leadership is a skill and the position that you get
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: that you become better at when you constantly practice. Also,
• 1:02:56
  Speaker 1: leadership isn't something that's foreign. It's a quality that's already
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: inside of you. You already have a lot of the
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: skills inside of you right now at this very moment.
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: To be an incredible leader. The question is whether or
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: not you're willing to develop and cultivate it. That's it.
• 1:03:15
  Speaker 1: It all starts when you do. And if nothing else,
• 1:03:18
  Speaker 1: man keep the standard the standard, and that's the fact
• 1:03:22
  Speaker 1: that everybody eats. If you are a good leader. Everybody eats,
• 1:03:31
  Speaker 1: nobody has a ground and stomach while you have a
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 1: full belly. That's not great leadership. That's not great leadership.
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: That's well dressed selfishness. Everybody eats, nobody gets left behind.
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: And once everybody eats, then you grab your plate. Now
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: there are exceptions. Don't be the self abnegated leader. And
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: everybody's play is full, and there's plenty of food for you,
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 1: and you still make sure everybody else eat and then
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: you starve. That's not great leadership either. There is a
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: general balance here if you haven't noticed, and I want
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: you to just acknowledge the balance when you're on your
• 1:04:12
  Speaker 1: leadership journey because you can't ignore it. Don't move past it,
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: all right, Do not abandon yourself for the sake of
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: other people around you. Everybody can go. It's just a
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: matter of how you're willing to deploy that strategy to
• 1:04:26
  Speaker 1: make it happen. And just like that. That's it. Now.
• 1:04:31
  Speaker 1: We shared a lot in this episode. I don't want
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: you to necessarily do anything right now. Just think. Just
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: thinking is a thing, all right. You don't have to
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: be moving your hands and your feet in order to
• 1:04:43
  Speaker 1: be doing something. I just want you to ponder. I
• 1:04:46
  Speaker 1: want you to reflect, and I want you to question yourself,
• 1:04:48
  Speaker 1: not in a way that takes away or chips away
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: at your self belief, but in a way to fortifies
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: the things that make you incredible, in a way that
• 1:04:58
  Speaker 1: makes you challenge and then tear gate some of the
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: things that may be holding you back from being a
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: great servant leader, a great leader of self, a great
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: leader of community. I think by challenging those things, you
• 1:05:12
  Speaker 1: don't depreciate the value of your own thoughts, but you
• 1:05:16
  Speaker 1: expose the things that you may that may be living
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 1: in your blind self. And when you could bring those
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: things the light, oh man, everybody benefits, including you. So
• 1:05:27
  Speaker 1: until the next time I see you, take care of yourself,
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: take care of the people around you, and make sure
• 1:05:32
  Speaker 1: the people in those spaces take care of you too.
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: Until next time, y'all be good, job, well done. Learn
• 1:05:40
  Speaker 1: the hard way. As a production of iHeart podcasts I'm
• 1:05:43
  Speaker 1: Your Host care Gaines. We're produced by Courtney Dean's and
• 1:05:47
  Speaker 1: Casin Alexander Ashley. J. Hobbs is our senior producer. Our
• 1:05:51
  Speaker 1: executive producers A Will Packer, doctor Joy hard and Bradford,
• 1:05:54
  Speaker 1: Alex Balden and Carla will Maris