Latest / Stuff Mom Never Told You / Happy Hour #26: I'm Coming Out?

Transcript

Happy Hour #26: I'm Coming Out? · Stuff Mom Never Told You

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha, and welcome to stuff.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I never told your protection of iHeart Radio. It is
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: time for another half hour. I'll say this one is
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: a bitter sweet hour. I come good, some bad, We're
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: gonna go all over. As always with these episodes, drink
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: responsibly if you choose to do so. That being said, Samantha,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: what are you sipping on? Uh? You know what, because
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: I really enjoy our Antil tequila. Decided to take that
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: coconut lime and make it a Mexican mule again. I
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: am drinking on a really refreshing vodka soda cucumber basil lime.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Oh you didn't want to say it, Basil. I feel
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: like every time I do, judgment comes my way, so
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: I try. I'm trying to change my pronunciation, do you well.
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: It's one of those things, and I'm sure a lot
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: of people can relate to this, where now it's become
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: a stumbling block of I know the word is coming,
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, how are you going to pronounce it?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: And so instead of just speaking as I normally would,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: now it's become like a thing in my brain of
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: how are you going to say it? It's kind of
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: like how we have like names and we know how
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: to say it, and then we come to like oh
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: forgotten m yeah, which is something actually that you must
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: confront when you work in an audio medium, of like,
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: oh I say that kind of strangely, are huh? I
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: say that a lot? Or there's some things like either
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: and either where I know it doesn't matter, but for
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: some reason, every time that word is coming, I'm like,
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: how are you going to pronounce at this time? Invests
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: me up. I feel like that would like caramel or
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: caramel caramelia. Whenever I'm ordering something and I drive through,
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: I'm like, if I say it one way and they
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: go humh, I'll switch it up. Yes, Yes, I'm glad.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: This is a universal experience, it seems. But we're not
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: talking about that today Specifically. I want to talk about
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: a kind of something I'm still working through, so it
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: might be a bit messy when I when I'm discussing it.
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: But recently, because of a lot of different things, a
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: lot of different reasons, I have had to really face
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: how other people see me as a queer person. Which
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: it's strange because you know me really well, Samantha, and
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: I feel like a lot of times I'm very open
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: on the show. We're both very open on this show.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I don't feel like I'm hiding myself generally, even if
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: I do perform in some situations, I'm still like more
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: or less myself, and I don't really get too bogged
• 3:05
  Speaker 1: down into oh, they must see me this way. Um.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I do, like like we all do, but generally
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I don't. And and I do think there's a part
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: of me being in this kind of liberal bubble in
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: Atlanta where to me, like, if you tell me you're
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: you identify X y Z way, then cool. Like I'm
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: not going to question it, so I expect other people
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: not to question it. But lately I have had both
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: good and bad experiences of people approaching me about this
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: of me being queer, and it is something that I
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: haven't really had to experience even though I've been open
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: about it, other than like when I've talked about like
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: in high school or college, where people like, oh, you're
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: not by your experimenting or whatever. I've had that and
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: that still sucks and that's terrible and we should stop.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: But like, even at that time, just because the narrative
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: is so powerful, even I thought maybe maybe I am
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: maybe there's a phase or maybe I am experimenting, but
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: now it's it's interesting because I've had people come up
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: to me and it's been really beautiful where they've said, like,
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: you know, I I also am dealing with stuff that
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: you've talked about, and I see you and I appreciate you,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: and it's beautiful, and it's it's like one of those
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: things where you kind of don't especially in this medium,
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: where you say something and then it goes into the
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: internet boid and you're like, maybe no one heard that,
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: or it didn't resonate with anybody or whatever it is.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: So that's been really really nice. But then on the
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: other end, I've actually had people come up to me
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: now and say things like there's no such thing as
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: a sexual it just means you don't like sex, or
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: like you make me uncomfortable. Things like that, which I've
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: never directly faced, like person to person. I've had to
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: deal with it online and people and give me their
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: numbers anyway I just want to talk to them. Yeah,
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: it was very like disconcerting. Again, I think I'm really
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: sheltered in a lot of ways because I do. I
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: have really supportive friends, and I'm in a liberal blue area,
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: and I did grow up in a conservative area, but
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: at that time, like like I said, I felt like
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: I could blend in um, which I'm saying a lot
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: of things in here that are really bad that we
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: have to do this or we feel like we have
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: to do it. But I felt like, you know, I
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: never was somebody that had to deal with a lot
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: of the things I've heard other career people and LGBTQ
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: plus people have to deal with. And and I talked
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: about how that made me feel like I couldn't even
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: claim the the label because I hadn't suffer it enough,
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: which is messed up too that I could pass. And
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: it's just been a really like kind of eye opening experience,
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: I think, and a lot of interesting things have happened.
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: This is in the past couple of weeks, like maybe
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: this month that this has all been happening. And I
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: realized that like I was almost distancing myself automatically, so
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: like I would always think of my friends first, or
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: like my my career friends first, like oh, this must
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: be so upsetting, but I wasn't like affording that to me.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: And then so I started thinking about that, and like,
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: what does that say are you making any space for yourself.
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: And then then I started thinking about how I've never
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: officially come out really to anybody but not my family.
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: Like again, i feel like I've said it on the show,
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: my friends know it, but I've never had like the
• 6:52
  Speaker 1: conversation per se. And now I'm thinking about having it.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: And it's through all of this I feel more sure
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: than ever, which even though it's been painful, it is
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: kind of a relief for some reason, like just that
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: being like, Okay, it's slotting into place, this is how
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: I identify, this is correct, Like it feels right to me.
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: So I'm just working through my thoughts on it, and
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: it does feel very I almost feel embarrassed that I
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: know all of these things. But it's when you're like
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: dealing with it personally, it's like, oh, this is what
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: people are talking about. Oh this this is it. So
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: I feel like very privileged and selfish and kind of embarrassed. Yeah,
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: but I feel very supported but kind of isolated at
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: the same time, kind of like an open wound. And
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: all of it feels really tender, but I think it's good.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: It's been overall, uh, people have been really open with
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: their own experiences and Um, they make me feel inspired
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: and I do feel like I'm ready to take that
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: next like having the conversation with my mom and all
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: those all those things. Yeah, yeah, that's It's been something
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: that I've been working through. And I think another part
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: of this, and we've seen this play out a lot
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: lately in our media where my friends I recently was
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: very lucky I got to hang out with them and
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: they were it's interesting when you realize somebody sees you
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: so well, like somebody knows you so well, and you
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: thought maybe like those parts of you were hidden or
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: or that they should be hidden or or whatever, but
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: like they see you. And I my friends were talking
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: about like and we were talking about this to Samantha
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: about how I don't complain and I don't ask for
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: help and I don't admit that I need help. And
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: I think as we're seeing like the whole conversation around
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: some owe biles play out and like all of these
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: people kind of saying like no, I gotta put my
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: mental health for yours and all the stuff. Um, it's
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: kind of related to that where I'm like trying to
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: get to a space where I can share what I'm
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: going through with people, which as some as a listener,
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: you might be like, you do that all the time,
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: but it's hard. It's hard when it can be easier
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: in some ways to do it when you don't know someone,
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: and like, I'm just saying this and hoping it resonates,
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: But with people that you know and that you love,
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: it's kind of different. It can be harder, right, But
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to get better at it. I think on
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: all of this, there's such a fine line and knowing
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: yourself versus hiding yourself versus timing and everything comes into play.
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: Everything should be about your comfort. As long as it's
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: not harming other people, then no one has the right
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: to dictate when you do what and how you do it.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: I just recently talked to someone that's very close to me,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: and they also talked about how eventually, kind of like
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: you there, they know they're going to want to and
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: have to talk to their parents and let them know
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: they are also queer and has already has started to
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: feel isolated from their old life because of this, And
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: there's so many things to that in understanding this is
• 10:55
  Speaker 1: all about their timing and about what they feel. Because
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: we also know when it comes to individuals. We don't
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: know the story, and it may be harmful for them
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: to come out to certain people. It may cost them
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: their relationship with certain people, and therefore they feel safer
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: and not coming out, which makes me sad, because again,
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: if you have a relationship with someone and you can't
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: be completely honest, that relationship feels like it's not a
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: relationship in general, and that's heartbreaking, especially for those who
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: are close or feel like they've been close and things
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: have changed. And when things change, inevitably someone's going to
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: feel rocked, whether it's yourself or the other, or just
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: even the interaction, which is unfortunate in itself, and you
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: can never dictate how the other will react. There's there's
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: nothing you can do. You can you can't help that
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: in any way. And I get that. I think there's
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: a whole bigger level of conversation and acceptance and also vulnerability.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: And I know, like just watching you, our relationship began
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: with me talking about yeah, that's you went through therapy. Yeah.
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: Really really bold of me and probably really insufferable for you.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I apologize, but that level of understanding, hey, this is
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: where kind of like how you're doing now, eventually you
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: will be the story for people to come back to
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: and being like, Okay, where you ares where I am now?
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: I need your advice and maybe you can see something
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: beyond what I can see in my intimate circle and
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: or just my own self reflection, which is really hard.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: It's really hard when you have a point of view
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: of yourself, whether it's negative or positive, to change it,
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: no matter how skewed that is. If that makes sense. Yeah,
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: And I think I feel like a lot of listeners
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: can relate to this when there you're queer or not.
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: But there's a when you are vulnerable with someone about
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: a piece of who you are, and for whatever reason,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: their responses you make me uncomfortable or like i'd see
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: you differently now than that feels like it's a piece
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: of you. So I guess you didn't accept me this
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: whole time. Yeah, it's just something you have to take
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: into account when you well, you don't have to, but
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: it's like it's in the back of your mind, like
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: it does. It does. And I think like as you're
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: talking about being vulnerable and being a piece of you,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: when you're being vulnerable, you're asking that person whether or
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: not you can trust them, and hoping that you are
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: right and trusting them, and when you're denied that, you
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: feel a betrayal and it's it's painful. It's painful to
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: feel like you're wrong about a person. And that sounds
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: like a huge, huge thing, and it is. It is
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: a piece of your identity is a huge thing. But
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: on the scope of like, okay, there with me, with
• 13:59
  Speaker 1: all these things, there's one thing they're not being supportive.
• 14:03
  Speaker 1: It is it's heartbreaking because when you're being vulnerable, you
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: are literally waiting to see if you as your nakedself,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: it's going to be loved. And that's what it feels like.
• 14:18
  Speaker 1: And that's that judgment that no one wants to understand.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: And and for a lot of those as we talked
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: about attachment things, for me, I've cut that off real quick.
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: I will not trust you until I absolutely no, because
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: of the many times that we've been hurt. I've been
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: hurt over and over and over again, and when I
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: would place trust on someone and I've ultimately filed again
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: such a big word, betrayed. It makes you retreat into
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: yourself again in so many ways, and especially when you
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: have a relationship like I know you and your mom
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: have a really great relationship. I think it's so adorable,
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: it's so beautiful. But as then you come into your
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: adulthood and in like now things are coming coming out,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: you're kind of like and that is that's a huge
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: thing because you've grown up relying on this relationship a
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: little bit and hoping for the best in this relationship,
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: and this is a big tale, like this will be
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: a big making a break good moment in how you
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: continue forward into your adult relationship with your mother. Yeah,
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: I really hope I didn't freak you out with that one.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: No pressure. No, I feel confident in how it's gonna go,
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: which is nice. I mean, hopefully I'm not wrong, but
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: I do think part of it is. And I know
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: I'm like preaching to the choir here, and I even
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: I talked about this. This was a problem I had.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: Is just like knowledge around terms. I didn't know a
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: sexual was a thing until I was in college, so
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to explain it. And I feel like
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: I've had to explain it a lot and a lot
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: of times what I get is the response of oh,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: you just don't like sex, which is like, no, not quite.
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: I mean I guess like whatever. But and I do
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: want to end this on a positive note because going
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: back to your point, Samantha, a lot of listeners have
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: written in beautiful letters to me as I've kind of
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: been going through this, and they are at like different
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: parts of the process however you want to say it.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I know it's like a messy process, but they're like, oh,
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I remember being where you are now and this is
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: how I felt and this is what helped me. And
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: that's just meant so much to me. And people have
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: been like, I've had these bad experiences, but I've had
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: these beautiful experiences too, where it has been this moment
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: of like connection and camaraderie and oh I could I
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: helped inspire you, You helped inspire me, and we're not
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: alone in this and so it really has. Uh, it's
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: been a roller coaster of a month. And yeah, and
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: again like you're saying that that many of those people
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: are our listeners and you all have made this a community,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: whether it is reaching out about the queer community or
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: a sexual community, or for me, uh, the Asian community
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: or even adoptive community. It's been nice. It's been nice
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: to hear whether or those who live in rural areas
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: and understand the light of coming out as liberal. Oh
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: my god, and it's it's been a fun and really
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: heartening thing to see and hear when we have people
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: reach out and let us know how they are handling
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: things a and how they understand what where we are at. Yes, yes, honestly,
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: like we learned so much from all of you and
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: we appreciate it so much, so please keep that coming
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: um in the meantime, Cheers, cheers, cheers, and as always,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: we would love to hear from you. You can emails
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: at Stuff Media, mom Stuff at ihart media dot com.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: You can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: or Instagram and stuff I've Never told you things as
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: always to our super producer Christina in our community, Yes, yes,
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening. Stuff one never told
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: you his prediction of I Heeart Radio from more podcast
• 18:05
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• 18:08
  Speaker 1: or wherever you listening to your favorite shows.