Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #518 Habits of Healthy Relationships Part 1

Transcript

#518 Habits of Healthy Relationships Part 1 · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, if we can slow it down, pause, connect and
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  Speaker 2: make the relationship a priority, even if it's just for
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  Speaker 2: fifteen seconds of kissing your partner or giving you kiddo
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  Speaker 2: a quick wrestler and a tickle, it makes such a difference.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: It's the final day of autumn. I nearly forgot one
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: what season we were in. Final day of autumn tomorrow
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  Speaker 2: it's winter.
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  Speaker 3: Has it felt like autumn?
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  Speaker 2: Well, it's unfair of us to say that, because we're
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  Speaker 2: now living on the coasts in queens the tropical Queensland,
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  Speaker 2: and no it hasn't. It feels like what doesn't feel
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  Speaker 2: like winter yet? And how good is that? That's why
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  Speaker 2: we live here.
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  Speaker 3: We were walking at the beach the other night and
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  Speaker 3: it was eighteen degrees.
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  Speaker 2: Walking along in T shirts, T shorts, T shirt and shorts,
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  Speaker 2: feeding the water.
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  Speaker 3: I would normally be winging at eighteen degrees in any
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  Speaker 3: other locue that we've lived at.
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  Speaker 2: Beautiful that it.
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  Speaker 3: Is just so temperate, it's beautiful.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: So last day of autumn winter kicks off tomorrow. This
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  Speaker 2: is a Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor Justin Coulson. I'm
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  Speaker 2: here with Kylie, mum to our six kids, and today
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  Speaker 2: we're having a conversation about some habits of healthy relationships.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, this podcast could go on for days. We
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  Speaker 2: could talk about so many things. I've done webinars about this.
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  Speaker 2: You and I've done workshops about it better together. It's
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  Speaker 2: available on the Happy Family Store. But today I thought
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  Speaker 2: we'd talk about some things that we don't talk about
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  Speaker 2: all that often, that are instantly practical, tremendously helpful, and
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  Speaker 2: that people can start using to make their relationships better
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  Speaker 2: with their kids and even with their partners or spouses,
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  Speaker 2: starting right now. I've got a long list because I
• 1:44
  Speaker 2: can't help myself.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm having a little chuckle because I've got a
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  Speaker 3: list in front of me. It's not your list. Oh
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  Speaker 3: what's your list that Miss Hay gave me her to
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  Speaker 3: do list for today?
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  Speaker 2: Oh so this isn't like a healthy relationships list.
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  Speaker 3: This is just that I think in her mind, it
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  Speaker 3: is about healthy relationship.
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  Speaker 2: Emily eight years old, she's got a to do list.
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  Speaker 2: What you're laughing about it? What's on the list.
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  Speaker 3: Well, there's haircut, is the first thing. Sure, then we've
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  Speaker 3: got bowling bo l w l I.
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  Speaker 2: N G bowling. Sure we can go bowling.
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  Speaker 3: And then we've got pedicures. Really p E d I
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  Speaker 3: c uo r pedicure?
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  Speaker 2: How she did pretty well?
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  Speaker 3: She did amazing And each one of them has a
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  Speaker 3: picture next to it, right so, and I'm just laughing
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  Speaker 3: because I don't know where she got this idea.
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  Speaker 2: From taking her bowling this afternoon and then for a
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  Speaker 2: petty that isn't the plane.
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  Speaker 3: Well, maybe that's her hint that she needs some mummy
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  Speaker 3: daughter time. I'm in for a pedicure.
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  Speaker 2: Help me to understand, because I'm a male and I've
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  Speaker 2: never had one. What is a pedicure?
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  Speaker 3: Do you know you need to go and have one?
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  Speaker 3: I walked through this shopping yes, and there's often more
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  Speaker 3: men sitting in those chairs than females.
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  Speaker 2: So what is a pedicure?
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  Speaker 3: They get rid of all of the dead skin around
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  Speaker 3: and your toes.
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  Speaker 2: And heel, what's disgusting?
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  Speaker 3: It is and it feels amazing. Does the end?
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  Speaker 2: When I think of a pedicure, Now that you've said that,
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  Speaker 2: as soon as you said it, I was thinking of
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  Speaker 2: those barley sucking fish that you put your feet into
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  Speaker 2: the tank and they suckle the dead skin off. Is
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  Speaker 2: that not a cheap or easier way to get a pithicure?
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  Speaker 2: That's pretty gross and I hated that. I'll never do
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  Speaker 2: that again. So if it feels anything like that the people, I'll.
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  Speaker 3: Even paint your toes if you ask nice the fish.
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  Speaker 2: Let's move on. I'm so sorry that was not even funny.
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  Speaker 2: The habits of healthy relationships is what we want to
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  Speaker 2: talk about today. Seven ideas that I've got that can
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  Speaker 2: help your family to be happier. And they're not the
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  Speaker 2: usual sort of things that I talk about in the
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  Speaker 2: podcast or in our webinars or anything like that, but
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  Speaker 2: they are all science supported and frankly, I think that
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  Speaker 2: these ideas can really make a difference for any parent
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  Speaker 2: who wants their family to be happier.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I'm interested in number one.
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  Speaker 2: Number one is make time. Make time for who, make
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  Speaker 2: time for your relationships. I've kind of been on a
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  Speaker 2: bit of a thing over the last couple of months
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  Speaker 2: on the podcast. I've been really hammering this a lot.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to put our phones down, so this concept
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  Speaker 2: of time confetti has really captured me. I love the metaphor.
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  Speaker 2: I love the visual image of time literally falling in
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  Speaker 2: tiny little pockets here, there, and everywhere, like confetti falls
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  Speaker 2: when you throw confetti in the air. Time confetti is
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  Speaker 2: that it's that two minutes here, and that four minutes
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  Speaker 2: there and that eight minutes over there. We kind of go,
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  Speaker 2: I can't do anything with this time until we stare
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  Speaker 2: at our phone. And I'm increasingly convinced more than ever
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  Speaker 2: that it's those little moments where we're staring at our
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  Speaker 2: phone where we're missing out on relationship connection.
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  Speaker 3: Is that why you've been kissing me so much lately?
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  Speaker 2: Every time you're on your phone, I kiss you. You've
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  Speaker 2: noticed if I see you on the phone, I come
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  Speaker 2: over and kiss you.
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  Speaker 3: Oh well, I'm not getting off my phone, and.
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  Speaker 2: I know the idea is get off the phone and
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  Speaker 2: come and connects with me. You're getting the wrong message.
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  Speaker 2: I'm reinforcing the wrong thing. Is that what you're saying.
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  Speaker 2: Maybe there's that three minutes of time confetti there where
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  Speaker 2: you can stare at your phone and catch up on
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  Speaker 2: the next three minutes of whatever stupidity you're watching on
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  Speaker 2: whatever streaming thing, Oh you on, or you can come
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  Speaker 2: and squeeze your back.
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  Speaker 3: I haven't had a three minute kiss. I don't know
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  Speaker 3: what you're talking about.
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  Speaker 2: Let's not go too far. We can't divulge all of
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  Speaker 2: the details of how the Colsons operate. But what can
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  Speaker 2: you do in that three minutes with your kiddo? How
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  Speaker 2: can you engage with them? Because the problem is, as
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  Speaker 2: our kids are growing up as well, they use that
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  Speaker 2: same three minutes of time confetti to stare at a
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  Speaker 2: screen or to gaze off into the distance and do nothing,
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  Speaker 2: and it's not good for our relationships. It's not good
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  Speaker 2: for connection. I think at the heart of the heart
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  Speaker 2: of the very best relationships is time. There's that cheesy
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  Speaker 2: phrase that I use all the time in my workshops
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  Speaker 2: to a child. Love is spelled time. Connection is the
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  Speaker 2: currency of relationships. We've got dollars that run our economy.
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  Speaker 2: It's connection, that sense of feeling seen, heard and valued
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  Speaker 2: that makes our relationships the healthiest. And when we're staring
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  Speaker 2: at screens or when we're so caught up in all
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  Speaker 2: the stuff that we've got to do, and I'm not
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  Speaker 2: denying that stuff has to be done, but if we
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  Speaker 2: can slow it down, pause, connect and make the relationship
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: a priority. Even if it's just for fifteen seconds of
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  Speaker 2: kissing your partner or giving you kiddo a quick wrestler
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: and a tickle, it makes such a difference.
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  Speaker 3: Well, number two is not one of my strong points.
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  Speaker 3: You've put down laugh laugh, Yes, but I did practice
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  Speaker 3: the fake smiling.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, Well that's true and it's getting better. Did
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  Speaker 2: you know that When we look at what's called sociometric studies.
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  Speaker 2: Sociometric studies basically, when we're looking at how popular people are,
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  Speaker 2: we have a look at who likes who in the zoo,
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  Speaker 2: and we usually do this sociometric studies in school classrooms
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  Speaker 2: work out who the most popular kids are. There's two
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  Speaker 2: qualities that make people popular. One of them is fear.
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  Speaker 2: So the really popular kids, the ones with all the status,
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  Speaker 2: they're popular because people are scared of them. They've got
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  Speaker 2: that Machiavelli and tendency. They treat people badly, and therefore
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  Speaker 2: people are drawn to them because they know that if
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  Speaker 2: they can be on their good side, they'll be popular,
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  Speaker 2: and if they're on the bad side, they're in trouble.
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  Speaker 2: So they're drawn to them because of that popularity, that
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  Speaker 2: power that they have. But there's another group of people
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  Speaker 2: who are popular for a different reason, and they're not
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  Speaker 2: as popular as the cool kids. They're popular in a
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  Speaker 2: different way. They're popular because they're liked. And do you
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  Speaker 2: know who's most liked?
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  Speaker 3: Fun? People who?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, people who know how to have fun and know
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  Speaker 2: how to laugh. Like, We've got six daughters, and one
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  Speaker 2: of them is a compulsive laugher. She's laughing all the time.
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  Speaker 2: She has so many annoying habits, She is so irresponsible,
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  Speaker 2: she does so many things that drive us up the wall,
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  Speaker 2: and yet she is consistently the kid that all of
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  Speaker 2: us enjoy spending time with you, me, and all of
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  Speaker 2: the other kids, all of her siblings, because she's so
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  Speaker 2: much fun. She knows how to laugh, And I think
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  Speaker 2: that's why everyone loves me so much as well. I
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  Speaker 2: can't believe you just mocked me, as I said, but laughter,
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  Speaker 2: laughter is such it's such a wonderful lubricant for our relationship.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I did get you a little while ago. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: you were very very cranky as you were staring at
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  Speaker 3: your screen.
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  Speaker 2: And and I'm on a screen.
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  Speaker 3: Mate, and you have this habit of adding lots of
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  Speaker 3: words to things.
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  Speaker 2: I know what you're going to say, I know what
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  Speaker 2: you're going to say.
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  Speaker 3: So lots and lots of years ago, when we first
• 8:27
  Speaker 3: got married, you decided that I needed a pet name.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe you're disclosing this, And.
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  Speaker 3: You decided to call me not one, but four names
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  Speaker 3: all in one.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's because there was not one that was enough
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  Speaker 2: to describe how I felt about you.
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  Speaker 3: You're so good, thank you, so bit sappy. But you
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  Speaker 3: call me your beautiful darling angel sweetheart.
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  Speaker 2: Uh huh, that's even how you are in my phone. Yes, yep,
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  Speaker 2: and that's what you and that's what your number plate is.
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  Speaker 3: My number plate now I actually have the acronym b
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  Speaker 3: D as I have to say that most people don't
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  Speaker 3: know that. It's beautiful Darling Angel sweetheart, however, and it
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  Speaker 3: has a completely different.
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  Speaker 2: Think about it folks, BDS.
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  Speaker 3: Fortunately, But as you were staring at your scream and
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  Speaker 3: getting very cranky, I realized that there's a bit of
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  Speaker 3: a habit going on here, because you don't just say
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  Speaker 3: one bad word, you say it all of them together.
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  Speaker 2: I don't swear, let's know you don't.
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  Speaker 3: So you said gosh damn it, flame in hell, all
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  Speaker 3: in one head. And as soon as I made that
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  Speaker 3: point to you, what happened?
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  Speaker 2: I think? I laugh?
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  Speaker 3: So powerful, isn't it?
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  Speaker 2: Laughter? It's a lubricant that makes relationships happy and healthy,
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  Speaker 2: so long as it's kind and directed to Are we
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  Speaker 2: number three? Well, we talked way too long. We've got
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: seven of these to get through. But we've got to
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: take a quick break after the break at number three.
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  Speaker 2: If you have more than one child, there's a simple truth.
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  Speaker 2: They're going to fight, they're going to compete, and they're
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: going to have relationship troubles. But the real secret isn't
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: how to stop the fighting. It's how to teach them kindness.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: The Teaching Kids Kindness webinar will help you to do
• 10:09
  Speaker 2: just that, but also help them build lifelong sibling bonds
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: that lead to lifelong friendships. Check out Teaching Kids Kindness
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: at happy Families dot com dot a U.
• 10:18
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 10:21
  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now. And I am
• 10:23
  Speaker 3: thinking that number three might be honoring the other.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah. And what I mean by honoring the other, because
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: you've seen my list obviously, Missus Colson, is when we
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  Speaker 2: honor the other, we only speak well of them. Even
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: when they're not present. So I hear this all the time.
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  Speaker 2: I hear it from men when I'm on the bike
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  Speaker 2: and I'm riding with a bunch of guys. I hear
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  Speaker 2: it from women who tell me that when all the
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: girls get together, this is what they talk about. That
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  Speaker 2: they often will use the opportunity away from their partner
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  Speaker 2: to bag their partner out, to say horrible things about
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  Speaker 2: their spouse, to say, Oh, they always do this, or gosh,
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: they're always this or that or the other. There's nothing
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  Speaker 2: less healthy for a relationship than speaking ill of one another,
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  Speaker 2: whether that person is present or not. There is power
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  Speaker 2: in honoring the other person in only speaking well of
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: them if they're an ex, do the same thing, especially
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: in front of the kids, or especially in front of
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  Speaker 2: your parents. Don't say bad things about the X or
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  Speaker 2: the in laws. Honor the relationships that you're in and
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  Speaker 2: give compliments, Be honest about how much you love that person,
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  Speaker 2: and let them know. Honor the relationship, honor the humanity
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  Speaker 2: of the person. To me, that's one of the most
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  Speaker 2: powerful things that we can do to make a relationship healthy.
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  Speaker 3: I love that one. It's probably one of my favorites.
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  Speaker 3: For much of our married life, I have been really
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: intentional about the people I choose to share my feelings with.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, you only tell people how much awfulness I get
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  Speaker 2: up to if they're very close to you.
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  Speaker 3: Because people's opinion of other people is made up of
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  Speaker 3: lots of different opinions, and in an intimate relationship, you
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: deal with things all the time that are intimate and private,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: and the more you share those things with other people,
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  Speaker 3: they have a really skewed view of who you are.
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  Speaker 3: And I've always been really intentional about that because I
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  Speaker 3: don't want anybody to see you in a skewed light
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  Speaker 3: because of a difficulty that we're experiencing at any point
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  Speaker 3: in time. Because the reality is all of us do it.
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  Speaker 3: We all have moments, and I think that I don't
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  Speaker 3: know if it's the same for men, but I do
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: know that as a woman, it's really good to be
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: able to bounce something of somebody else and kind of
• 12:36
  Speaker 3: get a new perspective. But finding the right people to
• 12:39
  Speaker 3: get perspectives.
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  Speaker 2: From and doing it in a way that it doesn't
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  Speaker 2: turn into a bag out which kind of session.
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  Speaker 3: That's right because I and so I'm not looking for
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  Speaker 3: somebody to actually justify my feelings. What I'm actually wanting
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  Speaker 3: is someone who's going to elevate my thoughts.
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  Speaker 2: Love it. The next one is that we need to
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  Speaker 2: encourage positive illusions, such by Shelley Taylor and another author
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: surname Brown, can't remember the first name. Look at this
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: idea that in our lives we host and we hold
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  Speaker 2: all these positive illusions. And relationships are strongest when we
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  Speaker 2: believe things that aren't necessarily true but are very.
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  Speaker 3: Rose colored glasses.
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  Speaker 2: That's exactly what it is. And when we look at
• 13:20
  Speaker 2: our partner, when we look at our children through rose
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: colored glasses, we have healthier relationships. We hold them in
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  Speaker 2: higher esteem, higher regard. Now, this isn't about lying to
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: yourself and fooling yourself. This is just about recognizing that
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: it's so easy to focus on the negatives. They already exist,
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: but could we just focus on the positives a little more.
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  Speaker 2: It changes the quality of the relationship when you do that.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's interesting. We've talked about this a few times now,
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  Speaker 3: the fact that there is a positive and a negative
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  Speaker 3: to each attribute.
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  Speaker 2: Right.
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  Speaker 3: So, one of the things that I absolutely love about
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  Speaker 3: you is you have got so much energy. You are
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  Speaker 3: just like an energizer, Bunny, I know where you're going
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  Speaker 3: with this, but at times it is absolutely frustrating, grating,
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  Speaker 3: and just drives me to probably anxiety levels to the hilt.
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  Speaker 3: I love the energy that you bring to the table
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  Speaker 3: ninety nine percent of the time, but there is every
• 14:20
  Speaker 3: now and again, there are times where it's just like,
• 14:22
  Speaker 3: oh my gosh, can we just calm things down? Please?
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  Speaker 3: And we can so often just focus on that and
• 14:29
  Speaker 3: not recognize that there is so many things about that
• 14:32
  Speaker 3: particular quality that are amazing and bring so much joy
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: into our relationship.
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  Speaker 2: So these habits are about our spouses and partners as
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: much as they're about our children. This is the podcast
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: about time poor parents and children. But you'll know that
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: each of these four things that we've talked about so
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: far also apply to our kids. Are we able to
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: make time and we able to laugh? Are we able
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: to honor the relationship and speak positively? Do we harbor
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: those positive illusions? Times getting the better of mishappy families?
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  Speaker 2: And I've still got a whole lot more of them
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: to go through. Let's put these ones off until our
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: podcast on Thursday.
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  Speaker 3: I think that's a great plan.
• 15:06
  Speaker 2: The Happy Family podcast is running out of time very quickly,
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: so if you'd like more. Oh, by the way, we
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: would like to know from you, what do you do
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: to build a happier relationship? What are your habits of
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: the happiest relationships? Can you send us a voice memo
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: we'd love to hear from your podcasts at happy families
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: dot com dot you shoot that voice memo through and
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: we'll share your tidbits your ideas in upcoming podcasts. We
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: are produced as always by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
• 15:29
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer and if you'd like
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: more offa about making your family happier, join us at
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: happy families dot com. Do au