Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 243. The Negative Impact Purity Culture Can Have On Marital Intimacy - And Our Surprising Poll Responses

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243. The Negative Impact Purity Culture Can Have On Marital Intimacy - And Our Surprising Poll Responses · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:40
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is the negative impact purity culture can have on marital intimacy and I think this is a we've never done one on this subject, but a lot of the reason Amy and I built the app is for this specific reason.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: We don't know what all of your experiences are.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: Obviously growing up and the different churches and beliefs and things like that.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: We can only share what we grew up with.
• 1:10
  Speaker 2: But you know, we grew up getting taught that sex is bad, bad, bad, stay away from it, don't do it.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden you get married and okay, everything's okay.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: See, I wasn't taught that, yeah.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: I was never my parents.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: I don't know that I learned anything at church about sex.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: I don't even think I heard.
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: I don't think I heard the word sex in religious beliefs like at all, except for to save yourself for marriage.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: But for my parents, like I, was never taught that it was bad.
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: I was taught that it was for marriage.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: But then again I mean I'm in my 40s, so that many years ago sex wasn't really talked about and it wasn't all over the place.
• 1:55
  Speaker 3: We didn't have the internet.
• 1:56
  Speaker 3: You learned a lot from your friends and not your parents back then, I think, at least for us right.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: And I would agree with that.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: Like sex was not talked about around me either, but the few times it was, or the few times it got brought up in church was like it's bad, stay away, don't do it.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: And then they move on.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: Well, until marriage, though, like it's very yeah.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: But until marriage it was never taught it was bad, it was, it was for marriage.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, for sure, right, for sure.
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: But I wish I wish, growing up, that I would have had more vulnerable conversations when I was young, these before I learned stuff on my own.
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: I wish I could have gone to my parents and had a better relationship where I could have gone to them for questions.
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: I wish that church leaders would have taught sex is beautiful.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: God created it.
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: It's best to wait until marriage.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: I wish that the attitude around sex was different.
• 2:52
  Speaker 3: Not that I learned bad things.
• 2:54
  Speaker 3: I learned that sinning was bad, that having premarital sex was bad.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: I learned those things but it was very, like you said, very negative.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: It wasn't that it was beautiful, it was just needed to be waited until marriage.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Like I don't know.
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: I just I think the way that it could have been presented better.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think there are a lot of couples out there that were taught that sex is bad, sex is bad, stay away from it, and that was the message they got growing up.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: And then all of a sudden they get married and I think it's probably a bigger issue for women than men.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: But we absolutely have heard from men, even recently, that it's the husband that struggles with the purity culture thing, whether it's they feel uncomfortable undressing their spouse or seeing their spouse naked, or it could be so many different things or what happens in the bedroom Like or sex in general.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: And the reason we're doing this podcast episode is because we've had a lot of husbands reach out to us and say my wife doesn't even believe that she is a sexual being, that she can even tap into that sexual being, because she was totally taught that sex was like evil, or it was for the man, or for the men's enjoyment, or like.
• 4:14
  Speaker 3: I don't know where these women are taught this.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: But it breaks my heart because the fact that you're like, drilled this in like your entire teenage life into adulthood, that it's not for you or it's not pleasant for you, or it's all for him, or that it's bad, like how do you just get married and then all of a sudden switch that switch in your brain to, oh, now it's a positive experience, I'm going to have to learn all the positives about it.
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: Like that is not natural and it's affected so many women.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: And the thing and the reason why I think it might be mostly different for men and women is, you know, men are more.
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: We are designed sexually right, so we have that feeling for.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: So it's easy for us to be like hey, I have this desire, this feeling, like I can feel it.
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: It's obviously natural.
• 5:02
  Speaker 2: It's obviously natural.
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: This is what I have the urges to do where a lot of women don't have that.
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: And then secondly, a lot of times we as men think with our little head where women are thinking with their big head, right Like sex for women is so mental.
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: So if they are in a mental place where maybe they've been taught the sex is bad or whatever, whatever that is, if they have those thoughts in their mind, it's going to be really hard for a mentally to get past those.
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Where again we, as we as men, are more physical, we are sexually wired, we aren't thinking, we're thinking about it all the time, but it's because our body is telling us that we need this.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: So maybe, maybe that has something to do a little bit with how we're wired.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: And again, we recognize there definitely are exceptions, because we we do know, and I've heard from men that they're the ones that have the, the guilt or the, the feelings that they have to.
• 5:59
  Speaker 3: And I also want to just add in that for women because we're, I think we are sexually wired to a point I think we have to tap into that and for a lot of women that have shunned the whole sexuality thing because they were told it was bad or wrong until marriage and then they've had a hard time flipping that switch.
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: We don't.
• 6:20
  Speaker 3: A lot of women don't understand their bodies.
• 6:23
  Speaker 3: They don't know what sexual pleasure looks like.
• 6:26
  Speaker 3: They're like oh, I was taught to not experiment with myself or touch myself, which same we were taught to.
• 6:32
  Speaker 3: Like, how are you supposed to learn your body If you don't know your body right?
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: And then you get married and it's like the husband's like what do you want me to do?
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: How do I help you enjoy?
• 6:43
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: I don't know.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: I have no idea, which is a lot of the reason we also created that for techniques and things to try together and things to talk about together, because what are you supposed to do when you get married and neither of you are like, well, now it's good.
• 6:59
  Speaker 3: Now I got to figure out how I'm supposed to enjoy this.
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: I don't know, and it gets really frustrating, especially if it's hard to talk about in marriage, if you don't know what to talk about, if you don't even know what you want.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: Like it's just.
• 7:11
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 7:12
  Speaker 3: Maybe I don't understand at all why so many couples struggle, coming from beliefs that, especially the women, that they're not supposed to be sexual people.
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know, I just Well, once you're wired to feel that way, it's going to be so hard to overcome.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Absolutely so hopefully this podcast can be one of those podcasts to help you understand.
• 7:39
  Speaker 2: You know how it can negatively impact you, but then also you know what can couples do to overcome that.
• 7:47
  Speaker 3: Absolutely and I think the key for me when I really realized that I was a sexual being and that that was blessed by God and that I could be okay being sexual and having desires and letting it feel good and like like fully embracing sexuality as a woman like finally hit me when I realized God gave me a clitoris.
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: God gave me a body part that is 100% for sexual pleasure alone.
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: It does no other like, no other purpose on the entire female body other than sexual pleasure and I'm like how amazing was he to give us that body part so that we could experience sexual intimacy in marriage the way that it's supposed to be experienced?
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: It's not for the man.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: And once I really realized that I was like, oh, I want every woman to realize how okay and how blessed it is to be a woman, to be able to experience that with your husband.
• 8:56
  Speaker 2: Well, don't you feel like?
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Maybe a lot of women feel like, oh, it doesn't feel good for me, you know what's going on, and so that too, if a woman's feeling like, oh, what's wrong with me, am I broken?
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: Why am I not enjoying it?
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: Is this something I shouldn't enjoy?
• 9:13
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think they could look at it that way as well, right?
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
• 9:18
  Speaker 3: So.
• 9:19
  Speaker 3: Anyways, we'll get into these a little bit deeper.
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: Should we jump into our poll first?
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's do it, because we didn't really.
• 9:26
  Speaker 3: We've had a lot of people saying can you please talk about this, can you please help my wife or help my husband realize that sex is good for our marriage, that it's beautiful, that it was blessed by God, it was created by God, and I'm like we didn't really know exactly how to approach this podcast topic because it hasn't been something we've really struggled with in our marriage, but so many people are so.
• 9:48
  Speaker 3: And we can see how it could be for sure, oh we absolutely can understand, absolutely can understand, and it's taken a lot of conversation even just around this topic in our marriage, just to For it to be amazing, right.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: Taking a lot of work, yeah.
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: Yeah, we asked our audience has purity culture ever had a negative impact on your marriage?
• 10:08
  Speaker 3: We just wanted to know Because we, of course we believe that we should be pure, right, like any Christian believes in purity.
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: Purity is not negative in any way at all.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: Like purity culture is teaching you or can be te.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: Like purity culture is not a bad thing.
• 10:26
  Speaker 3: A lot of people were like this is not a negative thing.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: I totally understand that.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: It's when it comes across negative to, it puts a negative aspect on sexual intimacy in your marriage, that it becomes negative right.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Correct and I want to point out too, like when we talk about purity culture.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: That's the great thing about Christ and the Atonement is, even if you've made a mistake, through the Atonement you can, that can be wiped away as if it never even happened and you and people can be made pure right.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: So Absolutely so we don't look at it as like, oh, if you've done something before marriage or haven't or whatever, like oh, that doesn't matter to us because obviously of repentance.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: But I think the teaching that, oh, you have to abstain or you have to do this or you have to do this, and I think for a lot of men and women, if they have made mistakes, they fill that guilt and they take that guilt into their marriage and they just can't move past it because they feel that guilt for maybe mistakes they've made or things like that and you have to let it go.
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: I mean again, that's the whole reason Christ did.
• 11:35
  Speaker 2: What he did is so that we can be forgiven and start fresh and we're going to continue to make mistakes.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: So we know that all experience in our marriage right, because I made plenty of mistakes before marriage, so that could have really haunted me.
• 11:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly that could have made a massive impact on our relationship, but that's where communication and talking and, like I don't know, being vulnerable and honest, can really strengthen that aspect of your relationship.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: For sure.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: So we asked our audience let's see has purity culture had a negative impact on your marriage?
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: 67% said yes, 67?
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: 67%.
• 12:19
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: Which is really sad, really sad.
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: We asked how has it negatively or impacted your marriage?
• 12:27
  Speaker 3: Do you want me to read some of these?
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Well, serum yeah.
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: Okay, and then you'll.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: I think these will help you kind of understand, like why this has impacted so many people and why it's impacting intimacy so much in marriage.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: One guy said my wife won't talk about sex or making love.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: She can't even call it sex or making love.
• 12:47
  Speaker 3: I didn't understand.
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: It was okay to expect it to be pleasurable for me.
• 12:52
  Speaker 3: This is coming from a wife.
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: My wife is hesitant to explore her sexualality with me.
• 12:58
  Speaker 3: My wife still struggles to see herself as a sexual being and allow herself to explore that together, Having to overcome the lie that sex is dirty.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: Talking about sex was seen as gross to my spouse.
• 13:13
  Speaker 3: My wife even thinks PDA was inappropriate and the sex is dirty.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: My wife and many church females have zero culture of embracing sexuality after childbearing years.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: How sad are you?
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: How sad is that?
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: Like it's literally like it's only for children.
• 13:32
  Speaker 3: Yeah that's so, so sad.
• 13:35
  Speaker 3: I think it's made a lot of women ashamed of sex in general, let alone with their husband.
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: Once you get married, anything goes.
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: Have to let go of all that guilt that sex between spouses is 100%.
• 13:48
  Speaker 3: She knows taking care of the kids is a necessity, but doesn't feel the same way about prioritizing my needs.
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: Mindset around sex is negative.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: My wife views sex as dirty, isn't meant to be enjoyed other than having kids.
• 14:04
  Speaker 3: I've heard that one several times.
• 14:07
  Speaker 3: Sex is wrong, sex is bad.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: Don't have sex.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: That was all I ever heard growing up.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and when?
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: That's constantly what you hear, then it's hard to all of a sudden flip that.
• 14:17
  Speaker 3: You can't just flip a switch when that's drilled in you.
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Yeah, especially as a child.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: We take in so much, as when we're younger, that that kind of shapes who we become, what we believe.
• 14:28
  Speaker 3: Another comment I had to.
• 14:30
  Speaker 3: Let's see, I can't read this one.
• 14:34
  Speaker 3: It's the rules quotes.
• 14:36
  Speaker 3: People rebel.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: Teach them a discipline and it would be different.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: There wasn't enough to talk about the why, just not to do it.
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: It was difficult to switch from you shouldn't to do this, you'll get pregnant, to this is good.
• 14:51
  Speaker 3: Do it for enjoyment.
• 14:52
  Speaker 3: My husband won't even think, won't even talk about sex.
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: He thinks being flirty and silly is sexually wrong.
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: I'm telling you there's some men that have the same problem.
• 15:04
  Speaker 3: Women are not responsible for men's lust.
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: Men need better self-control.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: This is from a man Lack of knowledge when you start your marriage.
• 15:13
  Speaker 3: It took me a long time to be comfortable to try new things in our marriage.
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: I wasn't taught or talked to about sex, so marriage has been quite a lesson for us.
• 15:23
  Speaker 3: I'm all for purity, but to say it's all bad and then all of a sudden it's you're married and it's good, is very hard for people to comprehend.
• 15:31
  Speaker 2: Yeah for sure.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: I heard a lot of that I heard a lot of that.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: It took years to feel like it wasn't dirty to want or enjoy.
• 15:37
  Speaker 3: My husband Husband, assumes assigns purity issues because I didn't have sexual expectations and a high drive.
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: My wife didn't know how her body feels sexual pleasure.
• 15:48
  Speaker 3: It's so focused on what not to do and didn't talk enough about how awesome marriage and sex actually is.
• 15:55
  Speaker 3: Intimacy is a real struggle for us.
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: Sex wasn't discussed in positive ways.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: It's hard to learn how it should be Calling masturbation a sin, especially for women to not explore their bodies.
• 16:07
  Speaker 3: That's a hard one.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: That's a touchy subject for a lot of people.
• 16:10
  Speaker 3: We have different beliefs around that, but like.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: I said, being a woman, especially after you're married, it's important to get to know your body.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: Well, I think the podcast we did talking about the clitoris is over.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: 80% of women cannot have an orgasm without involving the clitoris.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: How many?
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: women even know what the clitoris is Like here it is a body part as husbands, we think, oh, what if someone were to ask us what the penis is?
• 16:38
  Speaker 2: Well, we know what the penis is, right, we know how it works, we know everything about how we feel.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: But for a woman to have a body part that they literally don't even know what it is or what the purpose is, or how it exists or what anything about it, you can see how that could be really frustrating.
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: But then, all of a sudden, when you find that, oh, my goodness, this feels amazing and this is the only purpose of this on my body part, that makes you realize that, oh, I was created to enjoy sexual intimacy.
• 17:09
  Speaker 3: Well, hopefully this isn't TMI, but this is a personal story for us, but I'm just going to say it.
• 17:14
  Speaker 3: Hopefully it's okay to share.
• 17:15
  Speaker 3: Nick was a 26 year old virgin, didn't know much, which is fine.
• 17:19
  Speaker 3: I was like actually attracted to that, that's an understatement.
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: He is pure, didn't know much.
• 17:25
  Speaker 3: But how long I mean?
• 17:26
  Speaker 3: You literally can be like vulnerable and say you thought penetration, that's what you did, right.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: I just assumed that penetration would feel amazing for her too.
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: And so months into marriage, when he's like why are you having an orgasm when I stay on the outside?
• 17:40
  Speaker 3: I don't even think you were even taught what a clitoris was right.
• 17:43
  Speaker 3: Did you even have a concept?
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: No clue.
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: No clue.
• 17:46
  Speaker 3: So that just shows you like when you're not taught facts about the body and the system and how it works, well, I think it was more figured out like okay, I can tell when this feels good to her versus something else.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: I didn't understand why.
• 18:01
  Speaker 3: It doesn't make sense, right.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: I didn't understand what it was or where.
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: All I knew is okay.
• 18:06
  Speaker 2: This position or this feels better to her than others do, and so I'm going to try to do that because I want it to feel good to her.
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: That's all I knew.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: That's all you knew, and it took some.
• 18:16
  Speaker 3: I mean literally.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: That was one of the reasons we created the app was for people to not go years into their marriage not figuring out why they can have an orgasm or why they weren't experiencing the same pleasure that their husband was experiencing.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: Like I don't want any woman to just be like this is a chore for him.
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: I'm just going to lay here.
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: I know it's important and I don't think I'm ever going to find pleasure out of this.
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: Like literally don't want anybody going through that.
• 18:41
  Speaker 3: Like that is so awfully sad to me.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: I'm just going to read a few more, because this goes on and on.
• 18:46
  Speaker 3: I mean I did not realize how big of a poll this would be.
• 18:48
  Speaker 3: I did not realize how affected people were by this.
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: Another comment was sex was treated as something that was so vulgar that nobody should want to do it.
• 18:56
  Speaker 3: Yet all adults do it.
• 18:58
  Speaker 3: Like doesn't make sense, right?
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: All things about sex are taboo.
• 19:04
  Speaker 3: We can't even talk about it.
• 19:05
  Speaker 3: Women are too worried about culture and what others might think.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: And not understanding my own sexuality Couldn't teach him lack of pleasure no interest in.
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, Let me reread that one, so it's not so fast.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Not understanding my own sexuality.
• 19:18
  Speaker 3: Equals couldn't teach him anything.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: Equals lack of pleasure, equals no interest in sex.
• 19:25
  Speaker 3: For me, that's exactly what we just said Thinking natural body response was something to be ashamed off and I tried to turn it off.
• 19:34
  Speaker 3: That's kind of heartbreaking right Viewing my body as something bad, because that's what I was ever told.
• 19:42
  Speaker 3: But God made me me Thinking you're dirty woman for being the high drive and that there's something wrong for you, wrong with you.
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: That's really sad to think that I'm just going to.
• 19:58
  Speaker 3: I could go on and on and on.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: I'm going to quit reading these, but I think it's important to point out, like you said, the very first the poll of how many?
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: 60% or whatever said 60 something percent said that purity cultures cause a negative impact.
• 20:14
  Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, it was really high and I then I asked the questions are anything you want to add to this?
• 20:20
  Speaker 3: And I don't want to keep reading answers, but there's a couple that I just want to touch on.
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: There are good principles that come from purity culture.
• 20:26
  Speaker 3: Makes me sad the criticism it gets and that's what I first saw when I thought purity culture that's a great thing.
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: We want to be pure, like we believe in being pure, but I didn't realize and I mean we all get raised different, hearing different things, learning different things, getting taught different things from our parents, from church.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: I didn't realize the effect that some of these things that were getting talked to people was like literally destroying their sexual intimacy or destroying their marriage.
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: Like I had no idea.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: And I would say this, and I hope I'm not too far saying this, but it's amazing how, you know, the adversary, or Satan, takes something that's so good and twists it and makes us believe that it's bad.
• 21:09
  Speaker 2: Because if he can, if he can get us to believe that something's so good is so bad, it can destroy a marriage, it can destroy a relationship, and sexual intimacy is a massive part of a couple connecting and having a good marriage.
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: And so if he can take it, make it, make spouses or you know, believe that, oh, this is a bad thing.
• 21:31
  Speaker 2: I shouldn't do it.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: The likelihood of that relationship ending up in divorce and impacting the kids and everything like that is a lot greater for sure.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: I mean, think about it.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: You know, god created our bodies a certain way.
• 21:45
  Speaker 2: He created us to have children a certain way.
• 21:49
  Speaker 2: It it's through sexual intimacy, and he didn't, he didn't make a mistake, he did this by design.
• 21:58
  Speaker 2: Now we could, we could argue or discuss the reasons why, typically, men have such a high drive and women have a lower drive or responsive style, which, you know, is probably a good thing, because if, if they didn't, I mean we probably have families of 50 or 60 or 70 kids, you know, or whatever, like it'd be out of control.
• 22:17
  Speaker 2: No one would be getting any work then.
• 22:19
  Speaker 2: So I think there's a balance to that.
• 22:21
  Speaker 2: But the point I'm trying to make is, you know, how do we, how do we show or how do we talk about how sex is a beautiful thing, it's a great thing between a husband and wife, and how do we help women be able to learn about their bodies and enjoy sexual intimacy more, so that they can?
• 22:41
  Speaker 2: You know, couples can connect on such a deeper level.
• 22:46
  Speaker 3: That's good.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: That's good.
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: I want to add to it, if I can gather my thoughts really quick.
• 22:50
  Speaker 3: I think I think that with culture and pornography and objectivism what's that word?
• 23:02
  Speaker 3: Um, women feel like objects.
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: Um, I think if we could go back to the basics of the creation and our bodies and the way God designed marriage and making children and creating children and creating bodies and the beautifulness of his entire plan, and throw out all the garbage that society has thrown at us for all these years, I think we could go back to the basics and be like, wow, god was amazing, like his plan was so amazing.
• 23:40
  Speaker 3: But the world has distorted and ruined sex.
• 23:43
  Speaker 3: So, like so many people look at sex and like it's a bad word, it's dirty, it's gross, that has only come from humans.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: That has come from humans that God created such a beautiful thing, and so it hurts my heart to think of, like women feeling guilty or that it's not for them or not finding pleasure in it.
• 24:05
  Speaker 3: It's so sad that's all done by design right, it's just like you said, like he, satan, takes that and warps it.
• 24:12
  Speaker 3: He's just totally warped it and that's why we focus so much on sexual intimacy.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: Because how sad is it for the husband that he's like, but I but I'm created to like want this with you and you think it's dirty and so I feel bad for wanting this.
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: But why?
• 24:29
  Speaker 3: Why aren't you enjoying it?
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: I want you to enjoy it and and God, if, if we could take out all that crap that society has put on sex and bring it back to it's God's plan for us to be sexual beings.
• 24:40
  Speaker 3: Like, what a beautiful way.
• 24:42
  Speaker 3: I mean, even with the sex drives.
• 24:44
  Speaker 3: Me and Nick talked about this all the time.
• 24:45
  Speaker 3: I think the men were wired to have sex drives so that they're romantic and affectionate and emotional, because they craved women in that way, and I think that it was to teach women our test too.
• 24:57
  Speaker 3: Like that sometimes we have to take care of some of our husband's needs and it's not just a husband's needs like how do I figure out my body and how do I figure out how to make that more important for me and tap into my own sexuality?
• 25:10
  Speaker 3: I just feel like the whole plan was like bringing us together as husband wife, to communicate and to learn, don't you think, like I agree?
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: and I think I think too, if you can look at, if you can look at the difference between making love and having sex, you're you're right if if a couple's just having sex, then that's probably more of a negative thing, it's probably not a for sure a great thing.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: But if a couple is making love, that is what God intended, that's what God wants, and there is a big difference between making love and having sex, and I think we'll do a podcast episode on this.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: But making love, obviously you're gonna feel connected and a deep emotional and physical connection and and even a spiritual connection in many cases, and there there's so much more to it which we won't jump into now, but I think that's that's.
• 26:04
  Speaker 2: Maybe part of the problem, too is, for some women is, maybe it's just sex to them, right, right, it's just sex.
• 26:12
  Speaker 2: Maybe there's not that bonding and all those other things.
• 26:15
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's different than actually making love.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: And if they can experience what it's like to couples can experience what it's like to make love versus just having sex, maybe that can have a really profound effect on enjoying love making and feeling like, hey, this is a good thing, this is what this is okay, this is a great thing that brings us closer together as well.
• 26:37
  Speaker 2: But and I think you know so, let's, let's dive in and talk about some of the things couples can do to you know, maybe get rid of some of these negative or not negative, but even false notions about sex and purity culture.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: I would say.
• 26:57
  Speaker 2: I would say one of the first things and you you've kind of hit it right on is educate yourself.
• 27:01
  Speaker 2: Like learn about each other's bodies and how each other's bodies work and how your body works.
• 27:07
  Speaker 2: Like learn about the clitoris and what is the purpose of the clitoris and how does it work.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: And explore each other's bodies, try different things.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Again, amy and I involved a vibrating tool in our love making and it was an absolute, we feel like an absolute game changer absolutely because now.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: Now love making is so much more enjoyable for Amy because we're understanding how to stimulate the clitoris during love making and things like that.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: And so I would say, really educate yourself and learn about your body and how your body works.
• 27:42
  Speaker 2: And when you educate yourself and start understanding your body and how it works, I think you'll be more open to maybe Saying okay, yeah, maybe I am designed to enjoy pleasure.
• 27:55
  Speaker 2: So what does that look like?
• 27:56
  Speaker 2: How do we find that pleasure between us as a couple?
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: and I can.
• 28:01
  Speaker 3: I love that.
• 28:02
  Speaker 3: That you brought that up, because Education is key, which is why we wanted to create at the app was like an education hub where people could learn all about sex, the body Techniques, just everything because God created it and we needed a safe place for people to learn those things.
• 28:20
  Speaker 3: But I love that you.
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: I think for purity culture.
• 28:24
  Speaker 3: For me and we both kind of Grew up with this was when we got married.
• 28:28
  Speaker 3: We thought sex toys were bad, like for sure I don't know why I don't remember, even learning about.
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: I think we just thought I'm that maybe was something that was Not right, because you've also to bring something and I don't know, or it's just used by your, using it by yourself, right.
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: I like a vibrator.
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: I always just assumed a woman to use that by herself.
• 28:47
  Speaker 3: Which isn't gonna help sexual intimacy.
• 28:49
  Speaker 3: So I think, like being more open to learning about things.
• 28:55
  Speaker 3: I think, like Nick said, bringing that tool into our marriage makes sex Like amazing and feel amazing physically for me the entire time, instead of spending Tons of time on foreplay, finally getting there, enjoying it for 30 seconds and then being done Like I.
• 29:12
  Speaker 3: I wasn't open to that for so long and now I'm at a point where I'm like, yeah, we can just implement that into our love making.
• 29:19
  Speaker 3: That changes the entire thing well and it actually takes our love making.
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: You would think it'd do the opposite, but it actually takes our love making from just more having sex to actually making love, because now I'm so focused on making sure that she's feeling good and and things are good for her and like it.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: I Want her to be Happy and fulfilled as much or more than myself and I think most husbands agree to that.
• 29:46
  Speaker 3: I just wanted to pull up this list.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: If you're a wife that does struggle with knowing your body, knowing what feels good to you, just really Unlocking that, that female pleasure, which takes a lot of learning and a lot of communication.
• 30:01
  Speaker 3: I just wanted to list really quick our episodes on the clitoris, which are 199, all about the clitoris.
• 30:09
  Speaker 3: 175, the female body things your husbands wants to know.
• 30:13
  Speaker 3: Pull answers 183.
• 30:16
  Speaker 3: This could be a big reason why your wife doesn't crave being sexually intimate as often as you.
• 30:20
  Speaker 3: 177, these products can transform your marriage.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: Here's why.
• 30:25
  Speaker 3: 137 the best sex, sex techniques for her to increase her pleasure.
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: We have an expert on that one.
• 30:32
  Speaker 3: 121, for the women who have a hard time having an orgasm.
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: And Number 30, it's all about the clitoris, the key to unlocking female pleasure, and I love that the key to unlocking female pleasure is once you allow yourself to enjoy it and have that pleasure.
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: Of course, you're not gonna feel bad about doing it because you're gonna understand that this feels good.
• 30:53
  Speaker 3: It's okay to feel good, it's okay to have pleasure, just like my husband does why would he, why would God give us that body part, if it so only for pleasure?
• 31:02
  Speaker 3: There's no other reason if he didn't want us to enjoy it.
• 31:04
  Speaker 3: Like what a gift that he gave that to us.
• 31:06
  Speaker 3: And I don't understand if your husband gets to enjoy it and it feels really good to them, like God's not gonna make it enjoyable for him and then not for you, like of course were meant to enjoy it, like it was perfectly designed.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: So I think the second thing is figuring out how to enjoy it.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: I think, when you, when you again overcome that and and I, I guess, drop your guard, so to speak, and say it's okay for me to enjoy this, I'm married, this is what God intended for us to share.
• 31:37
  Speaker 2: Now, how do I enjoy this?
• 31:39
  Speaker 2: And again, learning about your body and maybe trying things and and doing that together as a husband and wife, and saying, okay, how do we make our, how do we make our sexual intimacy or our love making Amazing, amazing, and and do that together.
• 31:55
  Speaker 3: Absolutely, and I hope the intimate conversations on the app can really help with that, because you got to talk about it right.
• 32:00
  Speaker 3: Yeah, you have to talk about go back to our episode about why you have to talk about it.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: The next one yeah, I well, I think that we kind of hit everything right, like and I I think another thing couples can do and we don't you hear us in our podcast, we don't get Preachy, or obviously we we talk about God and things like that but if you're feeling guilty about something or wondering if sex is a good thing and you're okay to enjoy this, like Maybe ask God, you know, get on your knees and pray to him and ask him If this is something right and something that's okay, and I, I Absolutely guarantee he'll give you the answer you're looking for, you know absolutely.
• 32:47
  Speaker 3: I just want to add back to the conversation section that you have to be vulnerable and honest with each other if you want anything to improve in your marriage.
• 32:58
  Speaker 3: It does take always back to the basics communication.
• 33:02
  Speaker 3: Like I, you probably know our story, but it took us a lot of years to get good at talking about sexual intimacy in our marriage.
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: But the day that we could talk, have those discussions that changed everything and it came with being vulnerable, being honest and not being afraid to Open up about this.
• 33:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah it's tough, but it's worth it, and again.
• 33:26
  Speaker 2: I think just kind of finishing this off is again, this is once you can understand and realize that this is something that God Made our bodies this way for a reason.
• 33:38
  Speaker 2: It's something that we can enjoy being married.
• 33:42
  Speaker 2: And now the question is so I think that's number one is Getting to understand that it's okay to enjoy this and it's right.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: And then the second thing is okay now, how do we do that?
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: How do we Connect better on a deeper level together?
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: As a couple like Amy said, that's talking about it and just really learning about each other and trying things, and I Want to end this podcast with saying sex is fun.
• 34:10
  Speaker 3: It's not just for creation, it's for pleasure, it's for fun.
• 34:14
  Speaker 3: Like this is.
• 34:15
  Speaker 3: I can't remember the exact quote.
• 34:17
  Speaker 3: I always like to end on something like awesome, but something about the bedrooms should be your playtime as a couple, like you should be a little playground.
• 34:26
  Speaker 3: It's your playground, like you should be able to go in the bedroom.
• 34:28
  Speaker 3: Lock the door, be vulnerable, have fun together, laugh together, be sexual, enjoy some awesome physical Contact.
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: What?
• 34:38
  Speaker 3: I think it's fun, right, it's supposed to be exciting and fun.
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: And I think too, if you just look at it from a pure standpoint and say, okay, what are the positives about sexual intimacy for our marriage and what are the negatives?
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: And you'll find that there really aren't any negatives by having sexual intimacy there, by making love together, there are no negatives, there's only positives.
• 35:02
  Speaker 2: And the positive things are endless with how it can connect you as a couple and bring you closer together.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: It's the glue that binds you.
• 35:09
  Speaker 2: It can Foster a deeper emotional connection.
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: I mean on and on and on, which you hear us talk about these things.
• 35:16
  Speaker 2: So if you look at, I guess bottom line is the fruits.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: What fruits does Making love bring to your marriage, and are those fruits good or are they bad?
• 35:28
  Speaker 2: And I don't think you'll be able to find any negative things about sexual intimacy, but only positive things about how much it can bless and help your marriage.
• 35:38
  Speaker 3: And I think you smile, and I was just gonna say before you end, is it an interesting how many health benefits there are to sex if you go look at how sex is tied to our overall health, stress headaches.
• 35:57
  Speaker 3: All sorts of things anxiety, depression, like if you really go look into all the health benefits the sex gives you burning calories it's kind of an exercise.
• 36:09
  Speaker 3: I mean you can just get tons.
• 36:11
  Speaker 3: I'm like, isn't that kind of part of the plan too?
• 36:13
  Speaker 3: It's actually good for you.
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah Well, and I want to circle back as we wrap this thing up Obviously, if you're feeling the negative impact of purity culture, you were taught something at a young age or taught something growing up.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: As we teach our kids and our children, we need to really teach them that sex is a wonderful and an amazing thing and something to be enjoyed when you're married, and really be open with them and teach them maybe differently than the ways we were taught.
• 36:45
  Speaker 2: I think if we can do a better job at how sex is taught at a young age and how we present that, I think that will change so many things when they get older and when our kids get married as well.
• 36:59
  Speaker 2: And so I think, looking at it that way, maybe look at it and say, okay, what things were I taught?
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: Was I taught when I was younger and what is the impact of how it's impacting me negatively and how can I learn something different or change those thoughts that I was taught and why are those thoughts wrong?
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: And I think just changing your mindset and understanding that maybe you were taught the wrong things or maybe you taught the right things in the wrong way, just changing your mindset alone, can really change the way you look at sexual intimacy as well.
• 37:35
  Speaker 3: I love that you brought that up, because we've been trying to do that with our kids.
• 37:38
  Speaker 3: Exactly Now that we have teenagers and we're talking more about sexual things, they come to us with questions.
• 37:45
  Speaker 3: Even when we teach them when they're young about sex at that appropriate age, it's like sex is amazing.
• 37:51
  Speaker 3: It's amazing when you're married and you love somebody and here's all the benefits to it.
• 37:55
  Speaker 3: Even our teenage girls they're like oh, I don't know where it came from.
• 38:00
  Speaker 3: I just always thought it was more for the guy.
• 38:01
  Speaker 3: No, it's absolutely for you.
• 38:03
  Speaker 3: You're going to love it when you get married.
• 38:05
  Speaker 3: There's really good resources out there that will teach you that.
• 38:08
  Speaker 3: It's amazing for you too.
• 38:09
  Speaker 3: I think us changing, like you said, our mindset around it and fixing it in our own lives so that we can teach our kids, so this purity culture in a negative way doesn't impact our children down the road, I think that we can make a huge difference.
• 38:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because imagine the response if we were to say oh, we don't talk about sex, that's not going to be talked about in our house.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Why don't we talk about it?
• 38:29
  Speaker 2: Is it bad?
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: What's wrong?
• 38:31
  Speaker 2: And then of course, they're going to learn from school and their friends and things like that and so, just like probably the way a lot of us were raised I mean, I know my parents didn't talk about it much when I was growing up, so hopefully this can be a podcast If all it did was help open your eyes a little bit and gave you a couple of things that you can do or look into to hopefully help change that mindset and help you realize that sex is an amazing, wonderful thing that is created by God and is intended to bring us closer together as a couple.
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: And once we understand that, then how do we change our mindset and implement that in our relationship?
• 39:14
  Speaker 2: So beautiful.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: So we hope you enjoyed the podcast.
• 39:17
  Speaker 2: Let us know if there's anything we can do for you.
• 39:19
  Speaker 2: We hope you continue to enjoy the podcast.
• 39:23
  Speaker 2: Please consider leaving us a review and letting us know what you think, and so I guess, until next time.
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: We hope each one of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.