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Transcript

Stop Being A People Pleaser · Natty Unfiltered

• 0:00
  Foreign.
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  I have a question for you. How many decisions have you
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  made this year not because they were right for you, but because you
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  didn't want to disappoint someone else.
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  Maybe you said yes when you wanted to say no.
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  Maybe you stayed quiet when you wanted to speak up.
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  Maybe you kept shrinking yourself because you.
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  You were worried about what people would think. If that
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  sounds familiar, you're not alone.
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  You know, for a long time, I thought being a good person meant making
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  everyone around me happy. I thought saying yes made
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  me kind. I thought putting everyone else's needs before my
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  own made me selfless.
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  But over time, I realized something.
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  There's a difference between being kind and abandoning
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  yourself. So today, I want to talk about something that changed
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  my life. Learning that protecting your peace
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  isn't selfish. It's actually necessary.
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  Welcome back to Nnedi Unfiltered. I'm Nnedi, and I'm so grateful
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  you're here. If you join me for the first time, welcome.
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  This podcast is where we have honest conversations about confidence,
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  mindset, motherhood, personal growth,
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  and creating a life that feels true to who you are.
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  If these episodes have been helping you, I would
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  love for you to follow the podcast, leave a review,
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  and of course, share it with someone who could use a
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  little encouragement today. Now, let's talk about something
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  that so many of us struggle with.
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  I didn't even realize I was doing it.
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  The funny thing about people pleasing is that
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  most of us don't even know we're doing it. We tell ourselves,
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  I'm just being nice, or I'm trying to avoid conflict,
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  or I don't want anyone upset with me.
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  But underneath all of that is actually fear.
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  Fear of rejection, fear of judgment. Fear of
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  disappointing. People fear that if we stop making everyone
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  else comfortable, they won't like us anymore.
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  And I know that fear. I felt it.
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  And maybe you have, too.
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  But here's what finally hit me.
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  One day, I realized I
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  was spending so much energy trying not to disappoint everyone else
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  that I was actually disappointing myself.
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  Because I think so many of us do exactly
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  that. We tend to postpone
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  our dreams. We stay quiet. We don't start the
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  business. We don't post a video. We don't set
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  boundary. We don't ask for what we actually deserve.
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  Not because we can't, but because
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  we're worried about someone else's opinion.
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  And then eventually. And eventually,
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  you wake up living a life design around everyone
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  else's expectations. And somewhere along the way,
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  you forget what you actually want.
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  And you know What? I think that with time,
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  approval becomes exhausting.
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  Here's something I wish someone had told me years ago.
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  You could be the nicest person in the world and someone still
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  won't like you. You could explain yourself
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  perfectly and someone will still misunderstand you and
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  you can do everything right and someone will still criticize
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  you. That's just life. Not everyone is supposed
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  to understand your journey. And honestly, they don't have to.
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  If you think about it, how many times did you
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  have to go summer because you
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  didn't want to say you don't want to let somebody else's down, but you didn't
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  want to. You didn't feel good, you just were not upward. You always
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  up for doing things and saying so many yeses when
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  it doesn't feel right. But you're doing it for someone else's
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  for someone else. And you think that the person will
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  not understand you. If you say no,
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  they'll not going to invite you to the next event,
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  or they're not going to ask you to go out to
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  dinner, or they're not going to ask you to go on a trip.
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  Whatever it is, I think the right people will understand
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  you. You don't have to constantly say yes
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  to please everyone else and forget
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  about yourself now. The moment things
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  change, everything shifted. When I stopped
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  asking will they approve? And started
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  asking can I be part of this decision now?
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  That question changed everything. Because at the end of the day,
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  you have to live with your choices,
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  not the people giving you their opinions.
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  The more I started making decisions based on my values instead
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  of other people's expectations, the more peace I
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  found. Not because life became easier,
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  it because I became more honest with myself.
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  And think about it. Boundaries,
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  they don't push people away.
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  One of the biggest myths is that boundaries ruin
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  relationships. Healthy boundaries
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  don't ruin healthy relationships, they reveal unhealthy
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  ones. The people who genuinely love you,
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  care about you, they will adjust.
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  The people who benefited from you having no boundaries
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  may not. And that's
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  okay. Not everyone is meant to come with you into
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  your next chapter. Sometimes growth requires
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  distance. Sometimes growth requires uncomfortable
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  conversations. Sometimes growth requires saying no
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  without explaining yourself for 20 minutes afterwards.
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  And I'm sure you've done it so many times when you have to say no
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  and then you go on explaining yourself. And then you go and you think
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  about it if this is was the right decision or how this person is going
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  to think and you just driving yourself crazy thinking about
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  how that other person thought of your of
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  you saying no. That's actually Becoming exhaust,
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  exhausting. And this is where you
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  stop thinking about yourself and you constantly think about others. Now I'm not saying that
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  it's not good about thinking about other, you know, other people
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  or you have commitments and you know, if you have a valid reason for
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  saying a no, then yeah, I mean, I'm with you. But, but if
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  you constantly think that, you always have to say yes and then
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  you're beating yourself up when you say no.
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  Now you need to revisit that and you need to re evaluate
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  yourself, your boundaries and the relationship
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  with that person or those people that you think might not understand you.
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  Now there are three things that help me to stop people
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  pleasing. First, pause before saying
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  yes. Instead of answering immediately,
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  say let me think about it.
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  Give yourself permission to decide,
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  not react. Look at your schedule,
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  think about what you have going on in your life and
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  then say yes. If it goes
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  with your life. If it goes with your schedule,
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  don't automatically jump and say yes and
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  then regret saying it. Second,
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  ask yourself one simple question. If nobody judged
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  me, what should I choose? Your answer
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  is usually the truth. Now it's going to take
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  time to kind of adjust yourself to that. But if
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  you think about it, if you thought
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  that there's no, there's not going to be any judgment,
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  what decision will you make?
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  And you'll be, you'll be really surprised on your answer
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  to this. Now. Third, accept that disappointing people is
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  part of growing. Not everyone will clap for your success.
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  Some people only like the version of you that made their life easier.
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  That doesn't mean you're becoming selfish. It means you're becoming
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  yourself.
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  And I've gone through this so many times and you
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  then you kind of sometimes feel like you're being reborn
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  with every situation that life throws at you, with relationship,
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  friendships, you kind of starting to see where
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  people are actually line up in your life.
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  When you start kind of standing
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  up for yourself, when you are disagreeing
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  with people, when you are, you know,
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  having a voice, how do people take
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  you? How do they react to you?
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  You know, people who are meant, they were
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  there for the right reason. They will understand you. They will see
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  where you're coming from. And those that were not,
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  they're going to kind of battle with the new you because
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  they're not used to you questioning things. They're not used to you
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  voicing your opinion or going along with everything that is
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  being said or done. And you constantly, you know,
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  saying yes. And now all of a sudden there knows
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  coming their way and you have
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  to kind of Understand that it's okay because
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  you want to have the right people around you,
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  the people who understand you, the people who you don't constantly
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  need to be pleasing just to make them happy.
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  And here's what I want you to remember. You weren't put on
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  this earth to make everyone comfortable. You were put here to
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  live the life that's meant for you. To use your gifts to
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  grow, to love deeply, to make mistakes, to evolve.
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  And yes, sometimes that means someone won't understand your choices.
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  And that's okay. Your responsibility isn't to manage
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  everyone else's emotions. Your responsibility is
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  to live honestly.
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  Now, this week, I want you to practice one thing. Say no
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  to something that doesn't align with your priorities. It doesn't
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  have to be something huge. Maybe it's an obligation.
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  Maybe it's a favorite. Maybe it's saying yes
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  out of guilt. Instead, choose yourself.
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  Then pay attention. Did the world end
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  or did you feel just a little lighter?
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  Growth usually starts with one courageous decision.
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  Being. Being a people pleaser
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  really drains your energy.
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  And at some point you need to realize is that you
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  living your life and you need to live your life for you.
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  Again, I'm going to say that it does not mean that you have to
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  be cruel to people. It doesn't mean that you can't be there for other
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  people. You just have to realize is that you need
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  to start standing up for yourself. You need to start having a voice.
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  You're not going to do this all the time. Sometimes you just in
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  order to keep a peace, you're going to stay quiet.
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  Sometimes you're going to going to say yes when you don't really
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  feel like it. But it
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  all takes baby steps. And you
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  will feel so much better when you
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  actually start prioritizing yourself.
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  And if those people that
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  only were there for good times and for you
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  always being a people pleaser for them,
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  for you to be always saying yes to everything and being up for everything.
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  And all of a sudden they start drifting away because you're
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  no longer that sidekick for them.
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  Then you know what? That's okay.
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  Then you'll find the right people who
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  will be in your life for the right reasons. And maybe it's going to take
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  time. Maybe you'll need to spend time with those that actually
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  care for you and for who you are. Or maybe you'll have to spend time
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  more with yourself. That's okay.
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  But at the end of the day, you need to send.
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  You need to send the message that you
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  are no longer going to be that people pleaser that you have a voice
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  and that you set healthy boundaries to
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  live your life the way you want it.
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  Not according to everyone else around
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  you. If today's episode
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  reminded you that it's okay to choose yourself,
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  I hope you'll share it with someone who needs to hear this message.
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  And if you're enjoying Nadian Filtered, don't forget to follow
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  the podcast and leave a review. Every share helps
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  this community to grow and I'm so thankful you're here.
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  But before we go, I want to leave you with this. Remember,
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  you don't need everyone's approval to become the person you're
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  meant to be. The only permission you've been waiting for is
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  your own. Keep showing up. Keep believing in yourself.
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  Keep becoming the person your future is already cheering
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  for you. Until next time, stay unapologetically
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  you. Thank you for spending this time with me today. I'll see you
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  in the next episode of Netty Unfiltered.