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Her Untold Secrets Emmy Blotnick | 🚨New Podcast, click the link in description to listen · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_06: Ladies and gentlemen, Emmy Blotnik.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_07: Thank you so much.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_07: I'll tell you a little bit about myself.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_07: Um I've taken the 23andMe test.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_07: You guys know what I'm talking about, the DNA test.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_07: You know the one you send a little cum to the government.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_07: They uh put you in a database and connect you to a crime in the future.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_07: That's how it works.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_07: A wonderful program.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_07: You give them a hundred dollars and all of your bodily information in exchange for, at best, a fun fact.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_07: And you do hope that fact is fun because you have sacrificed something so personal.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_07: I sent them my sample, and it takes eight weeks, and I was really hoping for a fun fact.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_07: I know friends who have gotten those fun facts, and though they never hesitate to tell you.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_07: You meet them at a party or whatever, and they're like The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_03: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: Do you like Billy?
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: Nate wrote that Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth when my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_04: Holy shh!
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing, when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_03: Do you like Billy?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Nate roasted, when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Look at my pie chart.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_07: I've got little slivers from everywhere.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_07: Turns out I'm 1% Cherokee, I'm 0.5% Samoan, my dad is pit bull.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_07: And you're like, no way.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_07: Mr.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_07: Worldwide is your dad.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_07: That's huge if true.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_07: And I wanted to tell you something like that.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_07: I thought that'd be a strong start.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_07: If I came out here, you'd all be interested.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_07: You'd be like, what's Pimple's kid doing here?
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_07: They sent me an email.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_07: It said uh it was a solid pie chart.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_07: It was a big round circle of one color, and it said, you are 99.7% Ashkenazi Jew.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_07: Wow, wow.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_07: Thank you for this warm reception.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_07: It doesn't always go this way.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_07: It is a lot.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_07: Uh, you're probably wondering, or I was wondering.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, were my parents, brother and sister?
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_07: Was there like a like a sloppy pastrami orgy in the late 80s?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_07: Was I born covered in mustard?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_07: It's so much.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_07: And I don't want to sound like a huge Jew here, but I was like, wait, I paid a hundred dollars for this?
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_07: You think I didn't know?
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_07: You think I didn't know I'm a Jew?
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_07: 99.7% is a lot.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_07: I felt like Hitler when I opened that email.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, how do you make a Jew this pure?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_07: Who allowed this?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_07: They did leave out, they left out three-tenths of a percent.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_07: They left out three-tenths of a percent, and I thought maybe that's the fun fact.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_07: But they circled all of Eastern Europe and they said, you are 0.3% other.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_07: And you know it's more Jew.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_07: It has to be.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_07: So round up, round up and give me the hundo.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_07: That would be a fun fact.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_07: That's something I could work with.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_07: I could show up at parties and be like, fun fact, I'm the Messiah.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_07: You think it should look like this?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_07: It is a lot.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_07: So I am in therapy.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_07: Um and it's good, but I'll take all the help I can get, you know.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_07: Like I I came here today straight from the women's community center.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_07: I was at Sephora, and that's an important place.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_07: That's an important place for working women in New York City to be themselves.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_07: I like to go at dusk.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_07: I like to go after work, before the night.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_07: I'd go to Sephora, and they're always playing crazy music in there.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_07: They're always playing a song that goes like, oh, she's sweet buttons, psycho, a little bit psycho, and nice to screaming.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_07: And everywhere you look, women around you just turn into werewolves.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_07: People act fural in there.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_07: I saw a lady take a full can of dry shampoo off the shelf and just go like, and she was me.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_07: I like that store because sometimes a lady will ask you questions about yourself.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_07: A lady came up to me and she goes, What's your skin type?
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, I think it's dry.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_07: And she said, It's really dry.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_07: So, okay, cool.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_07: She was like, Your skin looks dehydrated.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_07: She said, What do you think is causing that?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, My mother.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_07: And she was like, Are you using a serum?
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_07: She's like, you should use this serum.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_07: It's called Hailey Bieber's Shimmerges for Dull Women.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_07: You should get the kind for the dull, dry, and dreadful woman.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know much about Haley Bieber, but I hope she has a great summer.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_07: So I bought this stuff.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_07: Bought this little tube.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_07: I bought a few things.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_07: I bought I bought a butt cream made by Jennifer Lopez, Earth's least relatable woman, Jennifer Lopez.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_07: Just watched her be hot my entire life.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_07: And I think a butt cream is gonna bring us closer together somehow.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_07: Jennifer Lopez butt cream is a one-way street.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_07: It's not a two-way street.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_07: You use the butt cream and you think about Jennifer Lopez, but she doesn't think about you.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_07: She doesn't even know you exist.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_07: I don't need to have anything in common with Jennifer Lopez.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_07: It's fine.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_07: I like my normal life, and I'll say that until I believe it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_07: I have had a variety of experiences that Jennifer Lopez will never have.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_07: You ever drink an old half-empty bottle of water that's all hot from being in the car?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_07: That's never happened to Jennifer Lopez.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_07: She'll never know the pleasures of an old, crinkly hot one.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_07: You ever cooking in the kitchen and you drop a crumble of goat cheese on the kitchen floor, and instead of bending over to pick it up, you just rub it into the floor with your sock.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_07: And you don't know if the cheese went into the floor or your sock.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_07: But all that matters is you can't see it anymore.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_07: So it's clean.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_07: That'll never happen to Jennifer Lopez.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_07: She is a housekeeper.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_07: If she drops a crumble of goat cheese, a housekeeper comes out and says, Jenny, no! I'll get it with my sock.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_07: And then she buffs it in on the floor.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_07: She's like, You rest! You work so hard.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_07: You ever do wash and fold laundry?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_07: You drop your laundry off at a place, and you give them a big bag with all your stuff, and when you get it back, the bag is so small.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_07: And you're like, how do they do this?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_07: Is all my stuff gonna be here?
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_07: You take it home and you peel the layers, and you get to the underwear, and sometimes there's someone else's panties with your panties, but they're like way nicer than your panties, and you're like, should I wear these?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_07: Should I try to rise to the level of this woman who respects and loves herself more?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_07: Maybe I should do it.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_07: It's a Saturday.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_07: That'll never happen to Jennifer Lopez.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_07: She'll never know a stranger's lace like I currently do.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_07: So I bought the butt cream, I bought the shimmer Jesus, I went to pay.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_07: Ladies ringing me up at Sephora, and she says, Congratulations! With this purchase, you're now in an elite status tier.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, What does that mean?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_07: And she said, That's when you've spent over a thousand dollars in a 12-month period at Sephora.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, I did what?
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_06: How many times have I been here?
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_06: Fuck you! Fuck you for telling me what I did.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_06: It's not your fault, but it is.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: I've spent a thousand dollars at Sephora in a 12-month period, and I But here's the thing.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth when my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_04: Holy shh!
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_03: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_03: Do you like Billy?
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: Nate will look fine.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_07: None of it's moved the needle.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_07: None of it's changed my life.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_07: No one has ever asked me my secret.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_07: It's messed up.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_07: I spent a thousand dollars at Sephora and I look the same.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_07: I look the exact same.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_07: My personality is worse.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_07: I will say I was a little bit more friendly when I had$1,000.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_07: But um, six, by the way, six is the number of toenails you can paint before they ask you to leave.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_07: I like to share that tip.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_07: It's fun getting older in New York.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_07: I I feel I feel different.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_07: I, you know, when you're young, you go to Sephora and you're like, I want glitter and a fun time.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_07: When you get older, you go to Sephora, you're like, I am a duck that's been in an oil spill.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_07: Won't somebody wash the crude oil from my feathers.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_07: It's fun, it's different.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_07: I used to get cat called walking around New York.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_07: I would get catcalled by random guys.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_07: They'd be like, hey, baby! And I'd be like, you stop it.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_07: And it just stopped.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_07: I didn't know it would stop.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_07: It stops.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_07: I don't get catcalled anymore.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_07: I get heckled.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_07: Very different vibe.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_07: I'll be walking around doing errands, and random people will roast me like I have never been roasted before.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_07: Because it's New York.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_07: These are the best street hecklers on earth.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_07: I'll tell you what happened.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_07: I was um I was leaving the Whole Foods on Houston, 10 o'clock at night.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_07: I shut it down.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_07: I had two bags of stuff.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_07: I'm walking out the door, but I'm in my head.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_07: I'm thinking about something weird I said five years ago.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_07: And the door is open.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_07: I hit the street, and a guy just locked eyes with me and said, I'm sick of you nervous looking white hoes.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_07: And it's still get goosebumps thinking about it.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_07: The accuracy.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_07: The speed.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_07: I can't believe how fast he had that for me.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_07: I haven't even taken a deep breath outside yet, and he gave me a whole new way to describe myself.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_07: It's just an amazing.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_07: You ever see your reflection in a stranger's words?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_07: What a miracle to live here.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_07: Because that is exactly what I am.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_07: I am a nervous-looking white hoe.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm sick of me too.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_07: And I think that guy should be the mayor.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_07: Wonderful place we lived.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_07: I uh I feel I do feel lucky because I I I'm uh I'm married and it's we're about to have a three-year wedding anniversary, and it's going good.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_07: I mean, it's great.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_07: It's wonderful.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_07: I have great memories of our wedding.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_07: We the whole thing.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_07: The one weird part was um when when we first got engaged, it was the first time I wore a ring that had like a stone on it, and I the ring would spin throughout the day, and the sharp part was stabbing me in the soft part of the hand.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, is everybody living like this?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_07: Like, this is what it is.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_07: So we went to a jewelry store and I went to the jeweler.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, Can you can you make this ring stop spinning?
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_07: And she said, we could make the ring smaller, but it's always gonna spin because you have big wide knuckles.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_07: And I didn't even know that was a thing you could be insecure about.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_07: Having the wrong-shaped hands for love.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_07: Did you know?
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_07: They were like, sorry, Sasquatch, you're gonna have to.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, wow, I didn't even know you could say you never have to say that to a woman who's about to get married.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_07: You never have to say you have big wide knuckles.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_07: You could say the space between your knuckles is very thin.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_07: You have an hourglass finger, and you'll be a beautiful bride.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_07: But it was cool.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_07: We got married in Brooklyn, we planned it ourselves, my mom was weird the whole time.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_07: But that's how it goes.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_07: I'll tell you about her.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_07: Um she had me later in life.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_07: I was or am a mistake, and she was 42.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_07: She was 42 years old when I was born.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_07: It's like cutting it a little close.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_07: Like, you know that scene in Indiana Jones where he comes rolling out of the cave right before it slams shut.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_07: That's how I was born.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_07: That's what it looked like, that's what it sounded like.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_07: It was a cloud of dust, and then I'm tumbling out, had to reach back in and grab my hat to start my life of danger.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_07: It's a miracle, I think.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_07: She lives in Florida.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_07: I'm sure you've heard of it.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_07: Florida, the state for old people and young, bad people.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_07: What a painful thing to lose someone you love to Florida.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_07: It's hard to say goodbye.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_07: My mom lives in Jupiter, uh, geographically and psychologically.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_07: And it's uh it's hard to connect with her sometimes.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_07: She loves Donald Trump, but my mom is everything Donald Trump hates.
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_07: She's a woman.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_07: She's a Jew.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_07: She's an immigrant.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_07: She's an artist.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_07: She's a four.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_07: Like.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_07: And it is a miracle I turned out of five.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_07: I don't want to sound like I take my life for granted in any way.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_07: I want you to know uh she has heard that joke.
• 18:02
  SPEAKER_07: My mom has heard that joke.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_07: She doesn't like it, uh, but here we are doing it.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_07: So she found this joke on the internet, in the depths of the internet.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_07: I was so surprised she found it.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_07: Because, you know, people in their 70s are not always great with computers, right?
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_07: Like you ever use your parents' computer and you see what they're seeing, and you're like, you make sense to me now.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_07: You know.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_07: My mom, on her computer, on the desktop of the computer, there was a little folder icon, just one, a one folder, and it was named Club Can't Handle Me.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, what is this?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_07: And I clicked on it, and all that was in there was the Flowrida song, Club Can't Handle Me.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_07: She found an MP3 of this song, and she was like, I don't want to lose this.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_07: And she gave it its own folder, and there are no other folders.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_07: Like, even Flowrida would not give this song its own folder, and it's about him.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_07: Like, he's the one the club can't handle.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_07: So I was very surprised that she found this clip of me.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_07: And she she called, it was a wonderful phone call we had.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_07: She called and she said, I heard what you said.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_07: She said, You humiliated me in front of all of my friends.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, How did they see it?
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_07: And she said, I sent it to them.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_07: So it's fun, you know, she's a fun lady.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_07: I knew she'd be a great wedding guest.
• 19:45
  SPEAKER_07: She was she had some concerns.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_07: Like in the week leading up to the wedding, she had a couple of things on her mind, and she likes to get a running start in her head and then call.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_07: So I pick up the phone and she goes, I don't know what to wear to a Brooklyn wedding.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_07: I don't want to have my legs out, I don't want to have my cleavage out, I don't want to look like I'm trying to have sex with anybody.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, hey, no one was concerned.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_07: No one was thinking about this.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_07: Doesn't make the list of concerns you might have in the week leading up to a wedding you're planning yourself.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_07: You're not like, oh my god, what if it rains?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_07: What if the caterers bail?
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_07: What if my mom shows up dressed like a total whore?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_07: What if this is the first time she decides to try to fuck my friends and colleagues, and it's on my special day?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_07: Well, that would sure stink.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_07: But it was fine.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_07: She wore like a tent, you know, it was fine.
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_07: She was like, it's Japanese.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, whatever, you know.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_07: She had some ideas of what should happen at the wedding.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_07: She called me another time.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_07: She goes, uh, who's gonna walk you down the aisle?
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_07: Oh wait, no, she came in hotter than that.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_07: She said, Your father's a terrible man and he's dead.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_07: So who's gonna walk you down the aisle on your wedding day?
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_07: I I'm I wasn't concerned.
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't concerned about being walked down the aisle.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need to be handed.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_01: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_01: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_01: Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_01: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: But here's the thing when my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: But she is so smart and so funny.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_07: And you know my my father was not a good guy.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_07: Like the best bonding moment my family ever had.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_07: Had was after my dad died because his dying wish was for us to scatter his ashes off the coast of Maine.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_07: And it's like a ten-hour drive from here, so we just didn't do it.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_07: I have a brother who's in finance.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_07: Do we have anybody in finance here tonight?
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_07: Oh, have I made it unsafe for people in finance to identify themselves?
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_07: Is it is it so dangerous to say you bank in 2025?
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_07: It's yeah.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_07: My brother, uh my brother went into finance and then he went into prison.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_07: And it's a shocking yet familiar turn.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_07: It's uh it's I should have seen it coming, I think.
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_07: Because there were some signs.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta be aware if people in your life start dressing like Patrick Bateman, that something might be going on, you know.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_07: He started wearing a vest, uh, he'd wear sometimes a half-zip a vest and then another vest.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_07: And he'd be like, you know, Casamigos, uh, vape pen, adderall, fucking ducks, like Hampton Somershare House.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_07: Like he had all the accoutrement.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_07: This is these are all red flags, you know.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_07: But it's also a little bit like RuPaul says you're born naked and the rest is drag.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_07: Isn't finance, bro, just a type of drag?
• 23:36
  SPEAKER_07: It's just a costume you can put on, and anyone can do it, but you'll never see a drag queen dressed like she banks, because it wouldn't be like a fun way to spend a night.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_07: Like, you'll never see a drag queen who's like, my name is Frank of America, and I'm accepting deposits.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_07: But uh Goldman Sachs would be a good name.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_07: And I think that's available.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_07: Goldman Sachs.
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_07: It's pretty good.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_07: So my brother another red flag I missed.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_07: He had a one of those watches.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_07: He had one of those watches that banking guys love.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_07: It's for like diving bankers or banking divers or guys who gotta do deals under the sea, you know, and it's got it's it's got the time.
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_07: And you're like, I know that one.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_07: Classic time, one through twelve.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_07: I'm familiar.
• 24:35
  SPEAKER_07: But then inside the time, there's three more times.
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_07: Whoa.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_07: And that's what they want you to say.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_07: They want you to ask them, like, what are all the little times?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_07: Because then they don't have to tell you they're laundering money.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_07: So that's a trap I stepped in.
• 25:03
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, what do the little times do?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_07: I remember my brother was like, this one is 5,000 meters under the sea.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_07: And I went straight in my head.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, I always thought it'd be the same time down there.
• 25:16
  SPEAKER_07: How dumb am I?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_07: I always thought time was like a this way, it was a horizontal.
• 25:22
  SPEAKER_07: I thought time was a latitudinal thing, but it turns out if you go down, whoa, you go down to the ocean floor, belittle, it's like money time.
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_07: Down here, there's no taxes, you can invent your own coin, you can do whatever you want.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_07: And then you come back up and you go, my little sister's so fucking stupid.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_07: She'll never have a watch this cool.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_07: They say, fake it till you make it, but that only works if you make it.
• 25:56
  SPEAKER_07: If you fake it and don't make it, it's fraud.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_07: Then you gotta go to a low security federal prison in Florida.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_07: I found out about this from a website called justice.gov.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know if you're familiar.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_07: I hope none of you ever see your own last name in all caps on justice.gov.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_07: But the the headline said New York and Florida Man.
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, my brother is Florida man! What the fuck?
• 26:30
  SPEAKER_07: It's been sentenced to 51 months in federal prison, and I'm not good with numbers.
• 26:37
  SPEAKER_07: I was always 51 months.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, how long is that?
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_07: My family is gripped in a crisis, and you're gonna make us do division?
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_07: How long is that?
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_07: Why are we talking about this like it's toddler's clothing?
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_06: How long is that?
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_07: I was wanted to be supportive.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_07: So we're going to Florida.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_07: I wasn't looking forward to this trip.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_07: I asked a friend of mine, uh, who's a very successful comic.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, Do you think it'd be okay if I brought my weed vape on the plane?
• 27:13
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, really not looking forward to this trip.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_07: And he was like, Yeah, you can do that.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_07: I bring my weed vape on every flight.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_07: I vape on the plane.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, really?
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_07: And he goes, here's how you do it.
• 27:23
  SPEAKER_07: He said you take your vape pen into the bathroom and you hit the pen, you blow it out into the toilet as you're flushing it, and the suction takes the vape vapor away so you can get away with it.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, that's your tip?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_07: That's what you're telling me to do.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_07: And as I was doing that, I was like, man, I wish I didn't need to get high so bad right now that I would steam my face in stranger shit particulates.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_07: Like, this is not a long flight.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_07: New York to Florida, it's like a two or three-hour flight, and I am choosing to hoff fecal matter in blue juice, which is the welcome cocktail in Florida.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, what am I doing spending all this money on skincare if I'm just gonna flush my face in a shitter?
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_07: So it's pretty dark stuff.
• 28:28
  SPEAKER_07: But he's doing fine.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_07: My brother's doing fine.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_07: He called me from prison.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_07: He was like, I was like, how's it going in there?
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_07: He's like, good, I just got moved to a room with two windows.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, I don't have two windows.
• 28:42
  SPEAKER_07: How much is the rent at this place?
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_07: I know that my family would probably rather I not talk about this.
• 28:50
  SPEAKER_07: I know that.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_07: But there's a great reward to doing it because other people will tell me the the scandals in their families, and I love it.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_07: There was one time I was leaving a show, and there was a family from the Netherlands, and they were like, Good show, good show, we have to go, our taxi is here, but we just wanted you to know that our aunt committed a murder.
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_05: Good show, thank you so much.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_07: I kicked a light.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_07: Sorry, everybody.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_07: But yeah, that's the power of life.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, thanks for supporting live comedy.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_07: It's fine, we're doing fine.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_07: My uh my my husband and I got we got married, we went on our honeymoon, we went to Japan.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_07: That's a great place to go for anywhere for a trip.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_07: Gotta go to I don't know what I just said.
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_07: It's getting cut.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_07: So we went to Japan.
• 29:46
  SPEAKER_07: We decided to take uh Japanese lessons on Zoom to get ready for the trip, and that's like one of the hardest things you can do is learn something on Zoom.
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_07: Because here's how it works.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_07: So somebody, a Japanese teacher says a sentence one time, then 14 people you've never met before each say it wrong, and then they go, now you go, and you go, I don't got it.
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know what we're saying anymore.
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_07: So I did four hours of Zoom Japanese, and I learned one sentence, and I'll teach it to you.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_07: Uh you can use this.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_07: It's uh Watashiwa Emi Des.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_07: And that means my name is Emmy.
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_07: And you won't know when it's being asked of you.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_07: So you gotta just come in swinging big everywhere you go in Japan, just show up and be like, my name is Emmy, woo! And just hope that they like that.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_07: So that's what I got.
• 30:47
  SPEAKER_07: My husband learned one sentence as well.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_07: He retained Korewa Kohideska, and that means, is this coffee?
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_07: Have you ever said that in your whole life?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_07: Is this coffee?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_07: When are you served a hot beverage by someone you don't trust?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_07: When does somebody bring you uh something to drink?
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_07: And you know, coffee announces itself so much more than other beverages, right?
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_07: Because it's got uh it's got a taste, it's got a color and a smell.
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_07: You're never like, what is this?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_07: You know that it's coffee.
• 31:28
  SPEAKER_07: But those are the two sentences we have going in.
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_07: So I was like, I really hope this works out for us.
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_07: I hope you get to Customs and Border Patrol in Japan and they go, You can come here, but you gotta answer two questions.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_07: Question one, what's your name?
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_07: And I'll be like, I got this.
• 31:45
  SPEAKER_07: My name is Emmy, and then they'll be like, question two, and they wheel out a hot.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_03: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_03: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_03: Do you like Billy?
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_07: Nate wrote Unlabeled carrass.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_07: And they're like, This contains a beverage, and you get one guess.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_07: And my husband can go, Is this coffee?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_07: And then they'll be like, Yeah, honeymoon unlocked, come on in.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_07: That's what you hope.
• 32:18
  SPEAKER_07: We really didn't learn a lot of uh words and phrases, we learned cultural lessons.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_07: We learned, okay, so uh what's your name, sir?
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_07: Kevin.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_07: Um, so if you ever go to Japan, they might call you Kevin-son, they'll add a san on your name.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_07: It's a show of respect, like calling you like Sir Kevin or Mr.
• 32:37
  SPEAKER_07: Kevin.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_07: But the teacher said, you can't call yourself Kevin San because her words in Japan, you don't show yourself respect.
• 32:49
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, I'm gonna love this country, I can tell.
• 32:51
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna love it here.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna fit right in.
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_07: She said, this is what the teacher said.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_07: She said, even if you are very smart and have lots of money and a beautiful face in Japan, you never say a nice thing about yourself.
• 33:10
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, what a perfect nation.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_07: I wish we could be like that here.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_07: I wish we were humble like that.
• 33:17
  SPEAKER_07: We're so the opposite here.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_07: I bet right now there's some like roided out alpha Chad teaching a bunch of Japanese kids English, and he's telling them the exact opposite.
• 33:27
  SPEAKER_07: He's telling them, like, even if you are dumb as hell and broke as fuck, and you got a big ugly face, in America, you never stop telling people how great you are.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_07: Everywhere you go, you kick down the door and you go, my name is Kevin Son, bitch.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm having a fire festival tomorrow.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_07: Um, so okay, I do I do feel a little bit uh off these days because I've been okay, I've been watching TV and I I'm a I'm a streaming customer of the middle tier.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_07: I give them some money and I see some ads.
• 34:08
  SPEAKER_07: Not to brag.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_07: And it used to be you'd see all different ads, but these days, when I watch TV, I see the same two ads five times each.
• 34:19
  SPEAKER_07: So for every one Frasier that I've already seen, I'm getting the same two ads five times each.
• 34:27
  SPEAKER_07: And they both have songs, and currently these are the only, this is the only music I'm listening to.
• 34:32
  SPEAKER_07: So it does make me feel a little bit disturbed.
• 34:35
  SPEAKER_07: Um, but I'll tell you, I'll tell you about these songs uh because they are in my head.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_07: Number one, Sky Rizzy.
• 34:43
  SPEAKER_07: Sky Rizzy.
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_07: Do you guys know it?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_07: Okay.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_07: For the uninitiated, Sky Rizzy is a medication for people with ulcerative colitis.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_07: A condition I don't have, but I see why they think that.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_07: I do give off a sort of digestive mayhem vibe.
• 35:05
  SPEAKER_07: I see why they're targeting me.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_07: I don't think they're wrong.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_07: But it has a song that's it's gotta be AI generated because the melody is so brutal.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_07: It goes like this.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_07: It goes, nothing means everything.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_07: Whoa, whoa! And yeah, the first time you hear it, it's bad.
• 35:26
  SPEAKER_07: Right?
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_07: We all just heard that and we were like, I hope we don't have to hear that again.
• 35:32
  SPEAKER_07: But you do, you have to hear it four more times.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_07: And the fifth time you hear it, it is an existential nightmare.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_07: Nothing means everything.
• 35:42
  SPEAKER_07: You sit there and think about it.
• 35:44
  SPEAKER_07: You go, this means nothing.
• 35:46
  SPEAKER_07: This could be anything.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_07: What are they even selling?
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_07: Is this could be for Buddhism?
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_07: This could be for assisted suicide.
• 35:56
  SPEAKER_06: What is the product?
• 36:00
  SPEAKER_06: Alright, fine, I'll do it.
• 36:02
  SPEAKER_06: I'll kill myself.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_07: It makes me feel crazy.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_07: You go, well, I hope this second commercial is more of a palate cleanser.
• 36:13
  SPEAKER_07: And in some ways it is.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_07: It's for Daisy Sour Cream.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_07: The second song on my two song playlist is from the Daisy Sour Cream commercial.
• 36:25
  SPEAKER_07: Is everybody else getting as much hyper-targeted sour cream content as I am?
• 36:30
  SPEAKER_07: Are we all seeing this much of this song?
• 36:33
  SPEAKER_07: Because it's, whoa, here's I'll I'll set uh let me let me set the scene for you.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, so it's uh it's a it's a house party daytime suburbs, very bright.
• 36:41
  SPEAKER_07: There's hors d'oeuvres being passed around, and it's the most sour cream you've ever seen in your life.
• 36:46
  SPEAKER_07: You've never been at a party with this much sour cream being offered to you.
• 36:50
  SPEAKER_07: And you go, wow, I hope they don't show us what the bathroom looks like at this party.
• 36:55
  SPEAKER_07: That would be a disaster.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_07: And they're serving it to you in ways you've never seen before.
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_07: They're dipping whole strawberries into sour cream and then hip bumping each other.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_07: They're like, this has never happened to me.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_07: But the song is it's at least sung by a person.
• 37:16
  SPEAKER_07: I think it's a person because it has artistic choices that the singer made.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_07: She sounds sort of like Jessica Simpson, and the song goes, do a dallip, do do a doll up, yeah.
• 37:29
  SPEAKER_07: And you're like, is this sour cream flirting with me?
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_07: Like, why was that kind of seductive?
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_07: Did somebody tell her to do that, or did she choose to do that?
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_07: So that's the chorus, and there's a verse as well.
• 37:43
  SPEAKER_07: The verse she sings, dip it in, bring the fun, you can never get enough.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_07: And sour cream is something you can absolutely get enough of.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_07: I often find myself with too much sour cream because the amount you want is in the chorus.
• 38:01
  SPEAKER_07: It's a dollop.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_07: You want one on a baked potato, you want one, maybe two ounces, but Daisy sells you a bucket that's like 16 ounces, and it does last a while, but it will go bad.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_07: Definitely before you finish it, it's gonna go bad.
• 38:20
  SPEAKER_07: You can never get enough.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_07: You're like, all right, fine, I'll fuck the sour cream.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know what's happening here.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_07: Yes.
• 38:38
  SPEAKER_07: Oh yeah, is it the one that I kicked?
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_07: Yeah, let's do it.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_07: Do it.
• 38:46
  SPEAKER_07: Oh Anthony Leo and Mandy Passesti.
• 38:53
  unknown: Yes.
• 38:59
  SPEAKER_07: Good to go.
• 39:02
  SPEAKER_07: Every morning I wake up and I hope that a billionaire has died.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_07: And that doesn't feel like a healthy way to start the day, but it is how I feel.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_07: And I don't want to kill a billionaire.
• 39:18
  SPEAKER_07: I just hope something bad happens to them, and then I have to get near my phone and be like, but I'm not gonna do anything about it.
• 39:25
  SPEAKER_07: I know you guys are listening.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_07: I don't have a plot, there's no plan, there's no scheme, I don't even have plans in general, so don't worry about me.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_07: But there's a lot of ways it could go.
• 39:36
  SPEAKER_07: There are a lot of ways I they like Trump said he wants a new Air Force One plane, and he's like, I want it to be bigger and faster than the old Air Force One, and I want it right now.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_07: And the Boeing company was like, the plane's not ready yet.
• 39:49
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm like, well, give the man what he wants.
• 39:52
  SPEAKER_07: Boeing, rush the plane, hurry, staple the seats down, put the wings on upside down, give this man the Hindenburg he's demanding, and then one morning I can wake up and have a good morning.
• 40:08
  SPEAKER_07: One of these good mornings I've heard so much about.
• 40:11
  SPEAKER_07: I'll be like, look at that.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_07: We have nothing to do with it.
• 40:13
  SPEAKER_07: Our hands are clean.
• 40:15
  SPEAKER_07: That would be so cool.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_07: I'm very lucky because uh I have I have a dog, uh, the dog helps so much.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_07: If you have depression, a dog will help you.
• 40:27
  SPEAKER_07: And if you have anxiety, a dog can't help you.
• 40:31
  SPEAKER_07: A dog will feed you things to be anxious about because you don't know what's going on in his little head.
• 40:38
  SPEAKER_07: I wanna know, but you can't know.
• 40:42
  SPEAKER_07: We go out sometimes and we'll get into chats with other dog people, like the dogs will start sniffing each other, and you you're like, should I say something to the owner?
• 40:52
  SPEAKER_07: Like, am I supposed to try to connect with this person?
• 40:56
  SPEAKER_07: And you know, it's a whole art to the dog chat.
• 40:58
  SPEAKER_07: You gotta like get in and get out and be nice and be a cool neighbor, and it's hard because it's dark and you're high and you're scared, and all the trash looks like rats.
• 41:08
  SPEAKER_07: It's like the worst time to make a new friend.
• 41:11
  SPEAKER_07: So sometimes my dog will hit it off with another dog, and I'm like, time to dog chat, say something normal, and it's it always goes bad.
• 41:22
  SPEAKER_07: My dog hit it off with a poodle, like a really nice poodle from like the Westminster dog show.
• 41:27
  SPEAKER_07: It had like the round brush blowout, like a big poofy head, and a tight little waist, and a big fluffy tail, and it does sound like I want to fuck this dog.
• 41:36
  SPEAKER_07: I was just happy they were getting along, and I was like, okay, time to dog chat.
• 41:41
  SPEAKER_07: Say something normal.
• 41:42
  SPEAKER_07: And I said, This is an amazing poodle you have.
• 41:46
  SPEAKER_07: And the guy said, Thanks.
• 41:48
  SPEAKER_07: He just got groomed, and I said, That makes one of us.
• 41:52
  SPEAKER_07: And then he pulled the dog away.
• 41:54
  SPEAKER_07: And I was like, Yeah, you should do that.
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_07: That was a pretty weird dog chat I just did.
• 41:59
  SPEAKER_07: I don't know what I meant.
• 42:00
  SPEAKER_07: And the more you think about it, the worse it gets.
• 42:08
  SPEAKER_07: I think I was trying to self-deprecate, but the way I said it, there was a lot of collateral deprecation.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_07: Like, I took us all down in that one.
• 42:20
  SPEAKER_07: I was like, I'm disgusting, you look gross, my dog sucks.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_07: Like, we all gotta step it up and serve something out here like your poodle.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_07: And you should absolutely walk away if someone talks to you like that.
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_07: So that stays in my head.
• 42:35
  SPEAKER_07: Um there's a lot of there's a lot of stuff you gotta worry about with a dog.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_07: We had to get him groomed.
• 42:44
  SPEAKER_07: I didn't know how to do it, he doesn't like the bath, so we call it a mobile dog grooming van.
• 42:49
  SPEAKER_07: I saw it in one episode of Queer Eye, and I'm like, I'm sure this is a fine business.
• 42:54
  SPEAKER_07: So, okay, how it works is a van pulls up to your house, and a person you've never met takes your dog into the van for two hours, and they do everything.
• 43:04
  SPEAKER_07: They like they cut his hair, they trim his nails, they uh express his anal glands, they do like a dental cleaning, and he came out looking amazing, but the bill was like$200, and I was like, that's a lot.
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_07: And then I thought about it, I'm like, you know what, that's that's actually not a lot, because a man had to fight my dog in a van for two hours.
• 43:27
  SPEAKER_07: He had my dog chained to a sink by his neck in a van for two hours of violence and chaos.
• 43:35
  SPEAKER_07: It's actually really reasonable.
• 43:38
  SPEAKER_07: And I wish this service existed for people because it's so complicated to maintain yourself.
• 43:46
  SPEAKER_07: You have to go to so many places.
• 43:49
  SPEAKER_07: Wouldn't it be great if a guy just pulled up to your house with a van and he put a bag over your head and just took you out to the van and you could do everything all at once?
• 43:59
  SPEAKER_07: You know, he'd cut your hair, cut your nails, give you a dental cleaning, a colonoscopy, give you a little turkey sausage, he'd tell you you're a very good boy, and you come out looking amazing.
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_07: Wouldn't that be great?
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_07: So, sharks, uh, who's ready to start grooming with human grooming?
• 44:21
  SPEAKER_07: Oh yeah, that's the tagline.
• 44:26
  SPEAKER_07: I'm gonna go, but I'm gonna tell you, I'll tell you, okay.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_07: One more dog thing.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_07: It's a dog thing, it's important.
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_07: I Google a lot of questions about this dog.
• 44:36
  SPEAKER_07: Sometimes I'm eating something I want him to eat it too, and I'll search can dogs eat French onion dip?
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_07: And it'll be like, no, and I'll be like, well, he did.
• 44:46
  SPEAKER_07: So let's see what turn this day takes next.
• 44:54
  SPEAKER_07: A lot of questions.
• 44:56
  SPEAKER_07: And most of the time they autocomplete.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_07: Most of the time you start typing and somebody else has searched it before, so you don't feel so alone.
• 45:05
  SPEAKER_07: But then sometimes you search something a little too weird and you are alone.
• 45:10
  SPEAKER_07: I searched, do dogs harbor resentment?
• 45:15
  SPEAKER_07: And you better believe I typed to the last T of that.
• 45:19
  SPEAKER_07: That has not been searched.
• 45:25
  SPEAKER_07: It's a pretty lonely feeling.
• 45:27
  SPEAKER_07: There was one time my dog and I were in an elevator and we're moving through the building.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_07: I'm like, does he even know what's going on right now?
• 45:37
  SPEAKER_07: Do dogs know what this is?
• 45:39
  SPEAKER_07: So I searched, do dogs understand?
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_07: And I hit the E and it goes, elevators?
• 45:45
  SPEAKER_07: And I'm like, oh hell yeah.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_07: I'm back.
• 45:49
  SPEAKER_07: I'm back on chartered territory.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_07: And the answer was satisfying to me.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_07: It said, I'll save you the search.
• 45:57
  SPEAKER_07: Do dogs understand elevators?
• 46:00
  SPEAKER_07: Dogs understand elevators functionally, but not mechanically.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_07: Thank you, AI overview.
• 46:12
  SPEAKER_07: That's just what you want.
• 46:14
  SPEAKER_07: A dog in an elevator knows that he's going somewhere, but he cannot build you an elevator.
• 46:23
  SPEAKER_07: Thank God we all pulled our knowledge.
• 46:28
  SPEAKER_07: Okay, you guys, that's gonna be it for me.
• 46:31
  SPEAKER_07: Thank you so much.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_06: Thank you so much.