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Generational Trauma & Recovery: Bill Ritchie on Healing, Boundaries, and Breaking Cycles · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
Hello everyone, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
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podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
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addiction recovery. Today's guest is Bill Ritchie, a
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certified generational trauma and motivational mindset coach
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based in Cambridge, ON. Bill helps adults who grew up
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with toxic or emotionally unavailable parents break free
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from guilt, set healthy boundaries, and start healing
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for real. His work is deeply personal.
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Bill grew up in a home filled with emotional and physical
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abuse and spent years stuck in silence trying to earn love from
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a father who never truly saw him.
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And now he helps others transform that kind of pain into
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power. He's the creator of the course
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Breaking Free A4 module, Journey to Emotional Freedom, and Bill
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is passionate about helping others reclaim their voice and
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live life on their own terms. Enjoy the show.
1:06
Bill Ritchie, thanks for coming down, man.
1:08
I appreciate it. Well, thanks for having me
1:10
Anthony. I appreciate the the
1:11
opportunity. Yeah, you're coming in from
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Cambridge ON, So, yeah. So I appreciate you coming down.
1:18
You know, you reached out to me and said you were interested in
1:21
talking about a a little bit different than addiction, but I
1:26
appreciate it because it all relates back to addiction,
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right? Like these are, you know,
1:31
something that I learned pretty late into my recovery is that
1:37
alcohol and drugs are not my problem.
1:39
They're my solution to my underlying problems, right?
1:42
And I'm excited to talk to you today about, you know, trauma
1:44
and generational trauma 'cause these are all things that I had
1:47
no idea what they meant before. But I'm learning that they play
1:51
a really big part in a lot of people's lives in addiction and,
1:54
and mine certainly as well, right?
1:56
Why don't we start? Why don't you explain you know
1:59
your definition or the definition of trauma?
2:02
Yeah, so trauma and generational trauma specifically is basically
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pain that's passed down through families, right.
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So I don't know your full story, but maybe in a person who's
2:15
having problem with addiction, maybe their their father was an
2:19
alcoholic, maybe their grandmother was or another
2:22
family member, right. So sometimes that's the only
2:25
thing you see as a child, right. So that's kind of the the nuts
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and bolts of it. Yeah.
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And so it it doesn't even have to just be like alcoholism or
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addiction to right. Like let's say, for example, you
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know, someone's grandparents was, you know, extreme example
2:43
of the Holocaust or a part of the Holocaust.
2:44
And I'm learning that that that trauma gets kind of passed down.
2:48
Is that right? Like in some sort of way?
2:50
Yeah, I can't speak to that specifically, but it's the same
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kind of thing, right. So like in, in my situation,
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we'll be talking more about this as we progress today with, you
3:00
know, dealing with difficult, toxic parents, right?
3:02
And all that stuff is, is passed down in, in, in trauma in
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families as well, 'cause people have never broken that cycle.
3:09
They've never fixed it, right? They've never hand or they've,
3:13
or especially they've never healed themselves, right?
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So it's the only thing they know and they pass it down to their
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kids, grandkids. Yeah.
3:20
So why don't you talk a little bit about your experience with
3:22
trauma then? Yeah, so mine's been fun.
3:27
Yeah. So I grew up so basically my my
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mom and my dad got divorced when I was 2.
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So I never remember my original parents together.
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And then my dad got long story. You don't need to go into all of
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it, but my dad got basically custody of me.
3:42
I only got to see my mom every 3rd weekend, right.
3:45
So and then was about 5-6, close to six years old, my dad met a
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lady and which in turn turned into my stepmother.
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So my stepmother physically and emotionally abused me for many
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years, from roughly the age of 6 to 1314 when I started to rebel
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and come out of that a little bit.
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And then with my dad, I just never felt heard from him.
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You know, There's like just no emotion.
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My dad worked a lot. He didn't see any of this abuse
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shit coming from my stepmother, right?
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So. And it's, it's like, how do you
4:25
you can't even begin to think about how you would bring that
4:28
up to him too, right? Like it's so.
4:29
Hard and the abuser has such a hold on you right and all the
4:34
threats on you where I still had a relationship with my mom as
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well like but I couldn't even tell my mom right.
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If I had the courage when I was younger to be able to tell my
4:42
mom then then stuff would have stopped.
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My mom would have jumped in right so.
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What, what was the moment for you where you kind of realized
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that one, you could heal from this, but also that it was a
4:52
problem in the first place? I didn't really, it sounds crazy
4:57
but I didn't really figure a lot of this stuff out till I was
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getting into my 30s. Full disclosure I'm 53 right
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now. So in my teens and 20s is when I
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started to lean on alcohol, I started to just party to try to
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escape that even though she couldn't physically abuse me
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anymore 'cause it's getting bigger.
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There's still that emotional stuff.
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And I find like the emotional is tougher, you know?
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So I never full on got I guess labeled as being like an
5:35
alcoholic or addicted or anything.
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But I just, that was my escape right?
5:40
In my late teens, 20s. So then Fast forward, get into
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my 30s, I got, I was, that's when I got married the first
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time. And then grandkids come along.
5:52
So then you just kind of play the family game still like they,
5:56
they both my dad and my stepmother both treated my
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grandkids like they were fine. I never let them stay over just
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for, because of my, my past, right?
6:07
So to get to your question, I didn't really start coming to
6:15
it. It didn't start to come to a
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head quick. I guess I, I parked a lot of it.
6:19
I put a lot of it on the back burner.
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I never got help. I just kind of dealt with it.
6:23
That was always the norm for me. So it wasn't until into my
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probably mid 30s, almost 40s, that I started to get some
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flashbacks, get some nightmares from from ship, from the past.
6:36
Almost like PTSD, yeah. Yeah, pretty much.
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And even then I right away I didn't, I didn't go seek help,
6:41
but finally I just, I just just had enough and I, I got some,
6:46
went to some therapy, got some counseling, but that was
6:50
interesting and can maybe go into more of this later.
6:53
But like, I thought it was all going to be about my stepmother
6:56
and abuse, but a lot of it came back to my dad and not being
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able to talk to my dad, right. So that was kind of interesting.
7:04
Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's I, I find that therapy is very
7:08
helpful. I always advocate for
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professional help. And that's why, you know, I love
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having professionals like yourself on here talk about
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their experience because, yeah, you go into therapy thinking
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that you're gonna it, this is the problem.
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And it becomes this whole other, you know, gamut of, of issues
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that you had no idea even were there, right.
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And that's the point of therapy is you talk therapy is you kind
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of dig through that and deal with it as it comes and, and how
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it shows up in your life today. How does it kind of how does it
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show up in your life today? Yeah, today I have AI have a
7:39
pretty much under control and that's why I want to help others
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with it. From all my experience.
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But hey man, there there's still triggers.
7:45
There's still triggers that come up.
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It could be something as simple as this is nothing against
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overweight people, but my stepmother was overweight,
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right? So I'll be in a grocery store
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just buying apples, and I hear this lady in the background has
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the same voice, same shape, almost same look.
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And it's like, whoa, right. That just kind of triggers you.
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So in that moment, I've learned now some exercises and stuff
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that I teach is just like, I have to ground myself.
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I have to take a minute, take a breath, or even maybe just get
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away from that particular aisle in the grocery store.
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The lady is right. So yeah, the triggers still come
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up for sure. Yeah, I mean, that's
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interesting. I never, I never realized that.
8:25
Yeah. Like any, you know, in in my
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alcoholism and addiction, I've I've found that, yeah, there was
8:30
a lot of things that could trigger me.
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I remember them telling me in treatment, and I'm thinking of
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this because it is kind of related.
8:36
You know, you could be hanging out with friends that weren't
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using or drinking, but just something about their
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mannerisms. You could tell they were either
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hungover or high and that would send you into a a whirlwind of
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kind of triggers and memories. And, you know, for me, it's
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remembering like the the one hour of good times that I had
8:54
with drugs and alcohol out of the night and not necessarily
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like the rest of the night. And that's why in addiction,
9:00
they, they say, you know, playing the tape forward is such
9:02
a powerful tool because you be honest with yourself.
9:05
Like, how did that night end? You know, it's it, it wasn't
9:08
like good night guys. Like that was great.
9:10
You know, in the movies, right? It was like me continuing on the
9:13
party by myself, right? And that's when I kind of
9:15
realized that I had a a huge problem with it, right.
9:19
So you, you work with people today.
9:23
You've developed a program, I guess you could call it too.
9:26
As well, Yeah, an online course. I do one-on-one coaching, and
9:29
then I wanted to kind of bring all the knowledge that I have
9:33
from it into an easy online course.
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People can purchase a course and get on there and just work at
9:40
their own pace. And it's lifetime access, so you
9:43
can always refer back to it. But yeah, it was pretty.
9:49
So kind of putting what in like into a course, what I what I do
9:53
in my practice for some of the tools I would use in practice, a
9:56
little a little different because you know, one-on-one,
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there's always other things that might come up right.
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So Ioffer those those two options.
10:03
Yeah. And like probably combining the
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two would be the most effective strategy I guess.
10:07
Yeah, for sure. And it, it depends on the
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problem. My, my main niche, my main focus
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is, you know, dealing with toxic parents or, or difficult
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parents, however you want to word it.
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I do one-on-one coaching with, with other things as well.
10:21
But like, you know, people are just stressed out or are stuck
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and they, they can't move forward.
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But that's my primary. Yeah.
10:28
So, yeah, it's, it's interesting.
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And I want to talk about emotional beefs because I didn't
10:32
realize how powerful it was. I remember, you know, you hear
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this stupid saying like sticks and stones will make my break my
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bones, but words will never hurt me.
10:40
Like is, is that not the most false thing ever?
10:42
Right. Exactly.
10:43
Almost rather have the sticks and stones.
10:44
Yeah, absolutely. I think most men would too,
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right, Like I always said that I'd rather get punched in the
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face than somebody have a deep cut at me about my past or
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something that I'm dealing with or my you know, for me, like
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something my body image or you know what I mean, something that
10:59
just because that you take that and then you use it over and
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over again on yourself and you beat yourself up, right?
11:05
Absolutely. So like what, what else, what
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kind of I don't know, I guess what, what kind of emotional
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like what does emotional abuse look like?
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You know what, what can you describe?
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Some maybe how it it's hard to kind of find out and see code
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and. Yeah, And maybe maybe different
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for everybody, but a lot of similarities.
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I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself, right?
11:28
But emotional abuse is kind of that thing you can't see, right?
11:32
Somebody like you're talking about somebody punches you in
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the face, you know, you see a husband beating a wife.
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You can see the physical thing. Sorry, but the emotional is, is
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so hard. Like it affects your self
11:46
esteem, your confidence. I struggled with with my
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self-confidence for years, man. It took me forever to to get
11:54
confident, right? The only time I was confident
11:56
was when I was playing hockey. For some reason.
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I was just, I was in that rank and I was like, nobody could
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touch me, right? But yeah, emotionally, it's just
12:05
when you get beaten down, beaten down emotionally, and it's just
12:10
like a continuous thing and that's all, you know, it affects
12:14
so many other aspects in your life, right?
12:16
It affects your relationships, how you handle stress.
12:20
It's just a whole gamut of really, really, really tough
12:24
abuse to come out of. Yeah, and you mentioned one of
12:28
the, you know, practical things that you could do to kind of get
12:31
it because that's I, I believe that's a healthy kind of escape
12:34
coping mechanism is, is activity, right.
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And I, I used hockey a lot to escape too, when I was growing
12:39
up. But I remember being a kid and I
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went through a phase where I was getting into fights a lot on the
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ice. And, you know, now looking back,
12:45
I realize that that was some kind of angst that I was, you
12:48
know, holding and and it was coming out on the ice.
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So there's there's kind of a positive and a negative to it
12:53
where if you could also use it negatively, right?
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That's erotic because I I thought of it too.
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Yeah. I'm not a big guy, but yeah.
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Yeah, I mean back. In our day, you could.
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You could. Play with it getting kicked out.
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Usually there's a there's a reason too, right?
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So it's, it's interesting that and not everybody does that.
13:08
So no, what are some other, you know, habits, daily practical
13:13
tools that people can use to to either heal from trauma or begin
13:17
to heal from trauma? Yeah, well, it's seeking help
13:20
through, through my a coach like myself or if there's some really
13:24
deep rooted stuff, you know, a counselor, a therapist on the
13:29
day-to-day. What we teach you to do a little
13:31
bit too is journaling, some breathing exercises to help, you
13:36
know, regulate your nervous system 'cause that's, that's
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huge, right? Like why am I so wound up?
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Why can't I calm down? You know what I mean?
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So it's kind of daily, some daily things like that.
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I would suggest just off the top.
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What what kind of journaling do you either practice or kind of
13:53
teach to your clients? Because I know you know, a lot
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of people, that and myself included, when I got into
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journaling, I was like, I don't know what to do.
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I don't know what to write. Yeah.
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What do you think? That's exactly the same.
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Yeah, exactly the same. One thing I'm personally using a
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lot right now is just basically a basic brain dump, right?
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And I use that before bed journaling for those that are
14:12
comfortable with it. You can do it on on the daily.
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You could be on your lunch break and something happened that
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morning at work. And even if like my wife does it
14:19
on her phone, right? Oh well, I didn't like how my
14:22
boss talked to me earlier today or whatever, right?
14:25
Or it's just something you might do more comfortably in the
14:27
evening. But to get back to my brain dump
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thing, I, I'm the type of person always have been that I struggle
14:34
with sleep because the mind's racing sometimes, right?
14:37
So when you're all emotionally screwed up or whatever, it's
14:39
just like, it's called like a brain dump.
14:40
Maybe you just write on a piece of paper.
14:43
It could just be like spit out a word, right?
14:45
Pissed off, you know, frustrated, right?
14:50
You know, my, my girlfriend was mean to me today or her husband
14:53
was a jerk or something like that.
14:55
He gets some of that stuff out on paper, right?
14:58
Even if it doesn't make any sense on the paper, you could
15:00
read it the next day and like, what the hell is that right?
15:03
But that's that personally really helps helps me.
15:06
Yeah, I, I liken it to, you know, you have bandwidth like
15:09
Internet bandwidth, right? And you have a certain bandwidth
15:12
in your brain that you can handle so many thoughts at once.
15:15
Yep. And even from a creative
15:17
perspective, if you're constantly purging that right,
15:20
and getting it out on paper and it doesn't have to make sense,
15:22
right? But if you're constantly getting
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that out and purging it, you're freeing up more space for
15:27
hopefully good thoughts to come in, right?
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Because you, I mean, you could. I can't imagine like you're
15:32
constantly writing bad thoughts and then it just keep this just
15:35
like a never ending flow of bad thoughts maybe for some people.
15:38
For sure. Even if I wake up in the middle
15:39
of the night, I just have like a good idea, right?
15:41
Oh, I could use that in the next session with with a client.
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I'll write that down. So you're right.
15:45
It doesn't always have to be a negative thing, right.
15:47
You know, Yeah. Do you practice meditation at
15:51
all or or teach meditation? I, I don't teach it, I don't
15:54
practice. I'm trying to get into it.
15:56
It's, it's more of a mindfulness thing for me.
15:59
One thing I am. So I'm not coming out here
16:01
trying to say, yeah, I'm a, I'm a guru in, in that field, right.
16:04
Just. Being we have enough of those.
16:06
OK, Yeah, yeah, just just being honest.
16:07
I would love to like, I would love to be able to sit there,
16:11
but one thing I do in the morning, so they say we're not
16:14
supposed to go onto our devices first thing in the morning,
16:16
right? It just kills your brain.
16:17
It right? I'm guilty of it.
16:20
You shut your alarm. Everything's on your phone now,
16:22
right? You shut your alarm off on the
16:23
phone. You check.
16:24
Oh emails. Oh appointments.
16:25
For the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right.
16:27
So what I try to do when I first get out of bed, go to the
16:29
washroom, come back, I just like close my eyes and I, you know,
16:34
they do this thing where om, you know, like that that's kind of a
16:36
form of meditation. But I just do something whatever
16:38
with my hands and I just sit there and even if it's kind of
16:41
like a little mantra, you you make up.
16:44
I don't have an official mantra, but it's just like, OK, I can do
16:47
this. I'm going to do this.
16:49
Let's do this, you know, like something so blind.
16:51
Just repeat it. And I got it from Mindvalley.
16:56
You heard of Mindvalley? The.
16:58
Yeah. So Mindvalley's a pretty big,
16:59
you know, counseling and and thing online.
17:02
So the gentleman's name's escaping me.
17:06
I'll. I'll remember as soon.
17:07
As soon as the door. Yeah, I'll, I'll e-mail you
17:10
that. A really, really good guy.
17:11
He's, you know, you start at say, maybe doing it for a minute
17:17
or or two minutes, right? And then like you count back
17:20
6029, you know, and you just repeat the same things, whatever
17:24
that works for you, right? And then you get, then you break
17:26
it down, then it goes down to 25 seconds.
17:28
And then maybe, maybe it's just 10 seconds once you get used to
17:31
doing it. And this isn't just something
17:33
you should do in the morning. If you're stressed out at work
17:36
or you're having a moment, some privacy, you can go and do that.
17:40
You can go to the bathroom if you need to, Right?
17:41
Just OK. Calm down.
17:43
I'm gonna be OK. I got this, you know.
17:45
Yeah, I love that. And you, you incorporate an
17:47
important part too. It's this body awareness body
17:50
scan thing too, where you're like, when's the last time you
17:54
focused on the feeling of your skin, Right.
17:56
Even as I do it now, it's just like, huh, I don't do this
17:58
enough, you know, it's like walking in nature.
18:00
Same thing. Yeah, well, I, I do it all the
18:02
time when I'm walking down and I live, you know, downtown,
18:05
there's trees downtown, you just don't see them, right?
18:09
But, you know, every once in a while I'll be walking and if I'm
18:11
in a good place where I'm focusing on being mindful, I'm
18:14
looking around and I'm like, holy shit, I've never seen that
18:15
tree before. Like that's beautiful, right?
18:18
And then it just kind of, I don't know, it sets up your day
18:20
to notice all the good in the world and even the good in
18:23
yourself too, right. And this kind of, you know, we
18:26
talked about confidence and I think that's extremely
18:28
important. The most, you know, most
18:30
important conversation that we have with ourselves.
18:31
And I, I, I'm not making this up.
18:33
I've heard this so many times is the one with yourself.
18:35
Exactly. So how did you come from that
18:38
kind of difficult, traumatic past and start building
18:43
confidence in yourself? Took a lot of practice.
18:46
Lot of practice, not gonna lie because I would just start
18:50
feeling good thinking hey I can do this and then something in my
18:53
head would knock me back. Down.
18:55
Say no, you can't. Oh, I can't do that.
18:56
You kidding me? No way.
18:57
I can't do that. And a lot of that was from my
19:00
stepmother's emotional abuse of like, you're worthless.
19:03
You can't do that. Where you you know, so that
19:05
almost it just got ingrained in me, right?
19:09
So I mentioned before, but through sport, like hockey gave
19:12
me a lot of confidence. But you're not at hockey all the
19:15
time, right? How do you get through your day
19:17
with that? So it's just a lot of practice,
19:20
a lot of self-care, a lot of commitment to it, just like
19:24
committing to the gym, you know, I don't know, I go to the gym
19:27
every second day, not because I love it, not because I'm super
19:29
buff, but because I need it, you know, I need to, to, to stay on
19:34
track. So yeah, just don't have the
19:37
magic pill. It's just just just, it's just a
19:40
lot of practice really. And, and I think that's, you
19:42
know, that's the key is like, there's no shortcuts to healing
19:45
it in all facets of life, right? I love the gym analogy because I
19:48
can't, I, I'm, I sit here today, honestly telling you, I cannot
19:52
remember the last time I wanted to go to the gym.
19:54
It's been a while, right? But I'm always it's, it's this
19:57
like I'm in a comfortable place. There's a gap between comfort
20:01
and discomfort. I have to start, right?
20:05
It's the hardest part of starting anything.
20:07
I have to get through that. I'm an uncomfortable place.
20:10
And then I'm at the gym and I'm like, oh, that wasn't so bad.
20:13
And now I can work out. And it doesn't have to be the
20:14
most amazing, you know, documentable workout, right,
20:19
where people are cheering and I'm getting, like you said, I'm
20:22
not there to get huge. I was at one point.
20:25
That was a motive of mine. But that doesn't work, right?
20:27
That motivation runs out. You have to go to kind of push
20:30
through those perceived limits in life.
20:32
Yeah, a lot of I said push through is like, pushing through
20:35
is like the best thing you can do for yourself, right?
20:38
Even yesterday I have some stomach issues.
20:40
So my stomach was off yesterday. I'm like, no, it's gym day, I
20:42
gotta go. So I went to the gym, pushed
20:44
through, and nine times out of 10, I'll feel better after doing
20:47
it right. So yeah.
20:50
You never regret doing it after, right?
20:53
Yeah. And yeah, that's such an
20:55
important part. So the breaking free course,
20:58
it's called, right Breaking free.
21:01
Can you like describe an example of maybe a module or something
21:04
that you know without giving away the secret sauce?
21:07
Yeah, no, no actually. So it's breaking free A4 module
21:11
journey to emotional freedom. Each module has it's it's own
21:15
importance, but one of the one example of one of the modules is
21:19
one of my favorite modules. Module 2 is boundaries, setting
21:22
boundaries and setting boundaries without guilt.
21:26
That's just so huge. Taking the first step in in
21:29
dealing with a toxic parent, right?
21:33
So yeah. And throughout the with each
21:36
module there. So each module has explain just
21:39
a little. Bit about of course.
21:40
Yeah, so each module has a short video.
21:43
I didn't want to overwhelm people with a 2030 minute video
21:46
of Coach Bill just talking about, but it's, you know, so
21:49
the videos are fairly short. But then you also have a
21:51
workbook exercise. So it's got like exercises, some
21:54
things you can try, some tips on journaling, not per module, but
21:58
per lesson. So there's four lessons inside
22:01
each module. Yeah.
22:04
So it's everything from understanding toxic parents to
22:08
setting boundaries to healing, you know, emotional healing like
22:12
we were talking about. And then the last module touches
22:15
on those triggers. Those triggers are pretty huge.
22:18
But and they're lifelong, you know, they don't leave you,
22:20
right? They don't just magically
22:22
disappear. It's how we deal with them.
22:24
You know, we can't control them, but it's how my reaction to them
22:26
that matters. You mentioned emotional.
22:29
You mentioned 2 good things that I want to get into, but let's
22:32
start with emotional freedom. What does that mean to you
22:34
today? Emotional freedom means
22:37
everything and sometimes can't believe I'm here now, right,
22:41
because you're just, I, I felt so trapped in all the emotional
22:47
abuse I took from my stepmother specifically, and then not being
22:51
able to like talk to my dad emotionally, right?
22:58
I just couldn't go to my dad and say, Hey, this, what's going on
23:00
that a rough day or, or whatever, right?
23:02
So to have that freedom through many years of, of healing, it's
23:07
just it's like that weight is just lifted off your shoulders,
23:11
right? Because I know a lot of us,
23:14
maybe a lot of your listeners, myself included, like you just
23:16
feel so stuck. Like how do I ever going to get
23:20
out of this? Yeah, that's the big one, yeah.
23:22
So when you finally reach it, it's like, and then you just
23:24
want to stay there. Yeah, but that's not possible,
23:27
right? But I mean, it's the point is to
23:29
recognize it and then to get back to that kind of point place
23:33
of to me, it almost sounds like what other people do.
23:38
Other people's actions don't dictate in my life, right, And
23:42
don't dictate who I am. For a long time, it sounds like
23:44
that was your identity, right? Was was how she kind of
23:48
portrayed you. And then so, yeah, it's a
23:50
beautiful thing to kind of break free, break free of this
23:53
emotional bondage, if you will, and become this sort of new man
23:58
or woman who was always there, right?
24:01
You're not like, it's not a it's not like a character or
24:04
anything. It's just kind of kind of doing
24:06
that inner work. And that's why today, like I, I
24:09
find, you know, I try to surround myself with successful
24:12
people. And that's a very dangerous
24:13
word. Successful, right?
24:15
Because it, you know, to me, to me, success and to a lot of
24:18
people, success might be that boat or that car or that, you
24:21
know, the white picket fence or family or whatever.
24:25
Family is an important one for me for sure.
24:27
But success to me is like, am I work right now?
24:31
Am I working on myself, right? Am I trying to be a better
24:34
person? Period, end of story.
24:36
Am I working? And so I try to surround myself
24:38
with people who are working on themselves.
24:40
You know, I don't care what they have or, you know, but who are
24:43
they at their core? Are they, do they recognize
24:45
their flaws and, and opportunities?
24:48
And are they trying to improve that?
24:49
Because that makes me want to be a better person, right?
24:52
Surrounding myself with people you know, took me a while to get
24:55
there I would say. It does because.
24:56
That boat seems nice until you get it right and then it's like
24:59
oh I want 2 boats or I need a cottage with this boat right?
25:04
Yeah, also with the just so if I can.
25:05
Finish off on that if you don't. Mind just also annoying that
25:09
you're not responsible for their shit.
25:14
Know the way to put it? Absolutely no.
25:16
You can swear. Oh.
25:18
I try not to, but yeah, so like, because in so many situations
25:22
with parents specifically, like the guilt they lay on you, the,
25:27
you know, you're responsible for them having a bad day, right?
25:30
So to be emotionally free of that now, it's, it's pretty
25:34
sweet. Yeah, and like all facets of
25:36
your life, you know, if somebody's pissed off at you,
25:38
it's like this is your problem. Exactly.
25:40
And you need to or or not, you need to deal with this or not.
25:45
But I'm not going to be responsible for.
25:49
Yeah, I love that. Person's punching bag.
25:51
Yeah, exactly. Or a doormat.
25:52
You know, I can be a good person today, but I don't have to be a
25:55
doormat. That's what I was told when I
25:56
when I came in. You don't have to let people.
25:59
I think there's a big difference between like, letting go and
26:02
acceptance. Yeah.
26:03
And being a a punching bag, like you said.
26:05
And sometimes it's hard to navigate that, but yeah, for
26:08
sure. And then the other thing was
26:09
boundaries. I love that, man.
26:11
I used to hate that word so much.
26:13
Right. What are boundaries?
26:16
Yeah. Why don't you just?
26:17
Yeah. So, so boundaries and some
26:19
people may think, and I used to think years ago that boundaries
26:21
was for the other person. That is so incorrect boundaries
26:25
or for you and it's a way of you healing and for your own
26:31
personal peace. I like to use the analogy of
26:34
your Yarna beach and and drawing that line in the sand, right?
26:39
OK, well, I'm only going to allow you to cross this line if
26:41
if you're respecting my boundaries, right?
26:46
And it's not always the easy. I focus a lot in in the course
26:49
on it because it was not easy for me personally to set the
26:53
boundaries with my father, right?
26:57
You just find yourself, OK, I'm gonna have this boundary.
27:01
I'm gonna say, OK, I'm not gonna not gonna do that.
27:04
And then soon as they start, you're like, yes, OK, yes, I'll
27:07
do that. Yes, right.
27:09
So true. Yeah, it's one thing to yeah to
27:11
have the boundary and then to implement it as a whole other
27:13
execution is the hardest. Yeah, and a lot of times with a
27:15
parent, we're always told whatever your story is, that
27:19
respect your parents, right? It's from my generation, right?
27:21
I'm a bit older than you, but so then when you set that boundary,
27:26
you feel guilty. You feel guilty for setting that
27:29
boundary and then and or you set the boundary and they don't
27:33
respect the boundary, right? So then you're.
27:37
Like now what? Now what?
27:39
So. Can you, what was the boundary
27:41
that kind of changed your life or I mean, so something that
27:44
really helped you, a boundary? I think it was specifically,
27:48
like I said, with my dad and it was just, I'm just, I would need
27:54
to be heard right? Because this could be a long
27:59
story here. But so I have a stepbrother from
28:02
my stepmother's son and it's almost like my stepbrother and
28:07
my dad have a closer relationship than I do.
28:10
So I'd go. So for example, I'd go over to
28:11
his house and it's all talking about about him, him, him, him.
28:16
I'm here. I'm your son.
28:18
That's great that you have a good relationship with him,
28:21
right? I'm not jealous of that, but
28:24
where's the where's the relationship here?
28:27
Right? So I had to set a boundary was
28:30
like, I don't want to hear about Jay right now.
28:33
I'm here. If you like to talk about what's
28:35
going on in my life, your life, that's great.
28:38
If not, I just, I just can't, just can't do that.
28:44
That hits so close to home. I know a few people in my life
28:47
that have that problem where you're you're together, you're
28:51
spending time with family, said family member.
28:54
And the only topic of conversation, it always comes
28:57
back to, yeah, other family member.
29:00
It's exhausting. It is so that that's tough to to
29:03
have that conversation. You know, with that there must
29:06
have been a hard thing to. Do yeah.
29:07
And I don't know if he's fully, fully gotten it.
29:10
In that moment, he was a, you know, little taken back and then
29:15
so I don't want to refer to him as a bully, but it's almost like
29:19
when you stand up to a bully, right, they usually back down.
29:24
Not always. There's some, and I have some,
29:27
some people I talked to some clients I talked to about just
29:30
they, they've tried to set boundaries and it just has not
29:33
worked for them. So then it's space.
29:35
It's like time out. I need some space away from you
29:38
until you can start respecting those boundaries, right?
29:42
And it doesn't have to be 50 boundaries.
29:44
It can just be what's important to you.
29:45
Yeah. Start with one, right?
29:48
Yeah. And then yeah, I love that.
29:50
The other thing about boundaries too, is the result of the
29:53
boundary is like you said, it's it's So what I was taught in
29:57
treatment this last time because we did a lot of work on trauma
29:59
and boundaries is the boundary is the the point of the boundary
30:04
is to strengthen the relationship, right.
30:06
Instead of, you know, a lot of people think, like you said, you
30:08
draw this line in the sand and you're over there, I'm over
30:11
here, and it's going to stay that way.
30:13
It actually brings people closer together.
30:15
Can you explain that a little bit?
30:16
Like what? Yeah, for sure, because you're
30:18
you're finally asking for a little respect, right?
30:22
I use go back to hockey again. So I used to coach hockey as
30:25
well. And you'll have some coaches
30:28
that are like, you got to respect the coach or teacher,
30:31
right? You got to respect me.
30:32
You got to respect me. But I never believed in that.
30:34
I always believed like I would have a beginning of the year
30:38
meeting with the kids and the parents, right?
30:40
And I would always say, OK, as a good player, you need to respect
30:45
the coaches and what we're trying to teach you and, and,
30:47
and whatever. On the flip side of that, as a
30:51
coach, I need to earn your respect because the respect is
30:54
earned, not not given. Sorry if I veered off a little.
30:58
Bit no, no, no question. But yeah, so it's, it's you're
31:04
saying it can bring you closer together for sure 'cause that
31:07
person may not even fully realize, like my father was
31:11
like, he never talked to his parents.
31:13
And that's all part of how the, the generational trauma can, can
31:16
come down, right? So you didn't have a clue on how
31:19
to talk about anything. And even to this day, it's very
31:22
basic. I'm not saying we have like a
31:23
perfect relationship or anything like that.
31:25
But finally, I'm living on on more my terms now, right?
31:30
You know, talk about my brother. Hey, whatever, that's great,
31:34
right? But I'm here right now in the
31:36
moment. So I think that brought us a
31:40
little closer to the point of at least he understands that a
31:43
touch better now. It's not perfect, but.
31:46
It's almost like, hey, there's this, you know?
31:50
You're not the problem, Dad, but there's this, there's an issue
31:54
on the table here. How can we work together as a
31:56
team to sort of address that issue, right?
31:59
It's not don't make it personal. It's not about me versus you,
32:03
right? It's let's attack this problem
32:04
together and then yeah, absolutely.
32:06
It brings us closer in the long run because hey, I didn't even
32:09
realize I was doing that, man, I'm sorry.
32:12
Or maybe it's not sorry. I know it's my dad.
32:16
Can be hard for that generation. Yeah, there's no apologies
32:19
usually. But sometimes.
32:20
If they at least get the understanding of where you're
32:22
coming from. And I think that's all we want,
32:24
right? To have that.
32:26
That it's not me versus you. I think that's the important
32:29
part. Let's get closer together and
32:32
solve this. Yeah, because there's a way to
32:34
set those boundaries where you don't want the person to feel
32:36
attacked either, even though they may have not respected you
32:38
your whole life. Because you come out like
32:40
anybody, right? Come out you aggressively.
32:42
What are you gonna do? You're going to stand up and
32:44
defend yourself while this guy's coming at me, right?
32:46
So. That's actually an important
32:48
point too, is the language around it, right?
32:50
So what does that look like to you?
32:52
Like how do you kind of word that?
32:55
Because words are important. Yeah, I think it's using I
32:58
statements. You know, you heard of I
33:00
statements, so I statements something very.
33:02
It's not like you did that to me and I don't like it.
33:05
It brought me like, I didn't appreciate how you reacted in
33:11
that moment towards me or somebody's like cutting you off
33:15
all the time. You could say I would just like
33:18
to finish my sentence before you know you respond.
33:23
Or I feel disrespected. I was taught that I feel too,
33:26
right. The eye savings are, yeah, the
33:27
eye feels are good. Because, yeah, you can't argue
33:29
with feelings, right? You can argue with thoughts and
33:31
ideas and points. But you know that I feel hurt
33:35
when you cut me off. And, like, I think that's
33:37
uncomfortable to hear for some people.
33:39
Why are we getting all mushy gushy now, right?
33:41
But they, they're affecting your feelings in a certain way.
33:45
And that's if they love you, you know, and they care about you,
33:48
they should want to address that, right.
33:50
And do whatever it takes. Yeah, exactly.
33:52
Yeah. Do you have any like specific
33:57
cases and you don't have to break anonymity or anything, but
33:59
any clients or cases that you know really shaped your your
34:04
kind of career or motivate you to, to keep doing what you're
34:07
doing? Yeah, well, there's one
34:11
specific, but there is the one lady actually we we went to
34:15
school together when I was getting certified to become a
34:19
coach. And when I first started out, I
34:22
wasn't in this particular niche of coaching, right?
34:26
I was just, hey, I'm a life coach now and I started trying
34:29
to help people. But the more everything came
34:32
back to me and I start talking to this lady, she's going
34:36
through almost exactly the same crap that I was going through
34:41
that I grew up with once again, like she felt like the black
34:45
sheep in her family, kind of like I do, right?
34:48
So that was kind of a hey. And then I talked to a few other
34:50
people that are having similar upbringings, right?
34:57
So that was kind of how I got into it.
35:01
All right. And so we, I did some free
35:06
coaching with her, you know, cuz we, we knew each other and we
35:09
were, we were friends and everything like that.
35:11
So it was really, and she thought it was great.
35:13
She thought it was helpful how a lot of it, how she brought out a
35:17
lot of it. And 75% of coaching is basically
35:20
listening to people, right? I don't know how much I
35:23
mentioned about my mom, but I didn't see my mom much growing
35:26
up, but I'm super tight, super close with my mom now.
35:30
I I can talk to my mom about anything.
35:33
She can talk to me about anything, right?
35:35
But not everybody has that, you know, maybe the one, their
35:39
parent, their mom or their father had a good relationship
35:41
that's passed on now. Now they're just dealing with
35:43
the toxic parent, right? So, yeah.
35:48
So, so this lady, really, that was a good sign for me to, hey,
35:53
I can help people do this just from my experience.
35:56
And then realizing I'm not the only one because it's so easy to
36:00
feel like you're the only one that has to deal with this shit,
36:03
right? But the more people you talk to,
36:05
coaching or not coaching, it's like, yeah, I got family shit
36:08
too. Oh yeah, yeah.
36:09
You know, maybe it's not just a parent.
36:11
Maybe it's a brother or a sibling or something, right?
36:13
Yeah, yeah. One of the biggest things when
36:14
you come into addiction and recovery and alcoholism is you
36:20
are no longer alone is a big slogan that I hear a lot.
36:23
And it's so true, right? Like I was taught, I'm not
36:27
terminally unique. My problems are very universal
36:32
problems and just because the guy's sitting next to me has,
36:36
you know, been through 4 DU is or, you know, 6 lost marriages
36:41
or whatever. On paper, it's like we have the
36:43
same feelings about how we react to life and we have the same
36:47
solution, quote UN quote, which drugs and alcohol.
36:50
So there's like a common, you know, there's a common element
36:53
there where we can heal together.
36:54
Now we both have a, a solution to the problem and you know, we
36:59
can conspire that way and and there's a lot of camaraderie in
37:02
that too, right? So, yeah, that's, that's
37:04
amazing. I think it's, it's important to,
37:07
to, to. And the other thing too is like
37:08
you, you don't know if that you're no longer alone if you
37:11
don't talk about it, right? Because you stay unique if you
37:15
keep it in and and you keep. And that's one of the reasons
37:17
why I started to do this is because I wanted people to hear
37:20
things that I had to say, but other people had to say where
37:22
they're like, oh, yeah, me too. Yeah, I'm like that.
37:25
Yeah, when you hear that, me too, it's like, wow, that makes
37:28
you, that makes you feel inclusive and makes you feel
37:31
good, right. There's a lot of.
37:31
Power in that. Absolutely.
37:33
Yeah. Is there anything that we didn't
37:36
talk about maybe that you would like to to get into or or
37:40
anything that I may have missed? I.
37:42
Think you've covered everything pretty well.
37:45
Once again. I'll probably think of something
37:46
after matter here, but. How can how can people find you,
37:50
Bill? Like how do how do we find you?
37:52
Yeah, so I got the the course happening, but the easiest way
37:54
probably is just on my website. So that's coach billforyou.com.
38:00
I'm also on socials, Instagram, Facebook, a little bit on
38:04
TikTok, but but mainly Facebook and and LinkedIn as well.
38:09
Yeah. So under, you know, coach Bill.
38:11
So not to be confused with coach Bill Belichick from the NHL,
38:14
because sometimes starting to all this, I just Google search.
38:17
OK, he's he's first. I guess he's a little more.
38:19
Popular. Yeah.
38:20
I mean, and yeah, for maybe reasons he doesn't like to right
38:23
either. There's a lot of controversy
38:25
around that too. Amazing.
38:28
Thank you so much, Bill. I, I learned a lot today.
38:31
I think it's important to to continue the conversation.
38:34
And now I don't think we'll ever completely break the stigma
38:38
around mental health, but I I think the more we talk about it,
38:42
the less and less and the more people hopefully say me too.
38:45
I appreciate that. And one thing I just thought of
38:47
thinking, just as you were saying that closure here is as
38:50
guys, it is, I don't want to say tougher to talk than than
38:55
females or, or any other. But we like I was brought up
38:58
like you don't talk about your feelings.
39:00
You know, you don't cry, you suck it up, right?
39:03
So that that's a big one too. And I, and I'm really looking at
39:08
that as another aspect of my coaching as well.
39:11
So but yeah, I, I appreciate the opportunity.
39:14
I think what you're doing here is fantastic too.
39:17
And you're, you know, your prime example of overcoming some
39:21
pretty heavy, heavy obstacles, so.
39:23
There is a solution. You know, there is a way out.
39:25
There's another way. And it turns out it's not my
39:28
way. You know, it's, but there is a
39:30
way. Thanks so much, Bill.
39:32
Thank you so much. Appreciate it.
39:33
Thanks for listening. Please help us grow the channel
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39:38
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
39:41
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39:44
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice,
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addiction treatment, or therapy. If you are someone you know is
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struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
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physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional.
39:57
You are no longer alone.