Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E52 - Effectively Handling Power Struggles with Your Strong-Willed Child

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S2E52 - Effectively Handling Power Struggles with Your Strong-Willed Child · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi,
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  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
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  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a follow-up question from Brianna.
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  I answered the question.
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  In a recent episode,
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  and then she listened to the episode and emailed some follow up questions,
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  so I want to circle around to that and,
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  and answer the additional questions
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  before we get into that,
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  I want to let you all know
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  that
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  as of next episode,
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  we are introducing a season 3.
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  And we're going to go back to a little bit more of curriculum-based teaching
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  episodes.
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  And we will still take questions,
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  and I will still answer questions in a 2nd episode each week.
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  If you all want me to answer something or process something,
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  absolutely,
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  please still send that in brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
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  However,
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  we're going to go through.
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  The things that you need to be aware of.
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  While your child is processing things
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  through child-centered play therapy.
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  And I know some of you may not necessarily have
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  your children in child-centered play therapy at this point.
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  I know many of you do.
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  And I know many of your play therapists have
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  recommended this podcast to you and so either way
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  this will be helpful because this is going to
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  be things that will help you understand your children.
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  It will help you understand the way that children's brains operate.
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  It will help you understand their process of working through things.
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  It will help give you some strategies and
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  tools to better communicate and relate to them.
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  So I do think it will be universally helpful,
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  but it will be specifically
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  how
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  you need to see.
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  Your child's process of working through
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  the therapeutic journey with a play therapist
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  in light of understanding them developmentally and what's going on for them,
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  how you can better communicate,
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  etc.
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  So that's going to be starting next episode.
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  I'm very excited about that.
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  But circling back to Brianna's question,
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  I'm going to
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  read some of her email and then we'll dive in.
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  We're making efforts to offer choices.
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  I understand that you mentioned it would be a time consuming process.
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  However,
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  the children suggest opting for nothing,
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  and we respond by saying that if they don't make a choice,
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  we will step in.
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  And then the situation continues to escalate.
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  OK,
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  let me pause there because there's more,
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  but let's stop there and and we'll tackle that first.
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  All right,
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  so the beauty of choice giving
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  is that when a child
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  suggests,
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  as you say,
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  opting for nothing,
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  that is also a choice.
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  Now you said we respond by saying if they don't make a choice we will step in.
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  That's a threat,
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  and I'm not saying that you necessarily threatened them in the moment,
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  but I just want to make it really clear words matter and our language matters.
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  Our phrase matters.
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  So the phrase
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  to be fully child-centered
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  and your parenting approach.
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  I
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  you really would like to choose neither,
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  but that's not part of the choice.
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  The choices are you can choose option A or you can choose option B,
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  which do you choose?
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  So notice that we reflected the fact that the child does not
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  want to make a choice or they wish they could make,
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  they wish they could make neither choice.
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  So we validate that.
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  They're not wrong for not liking the options,
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  so we're going to acknowledge that,
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  and then we fall back on the choice,
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  but that's not part of the choice.
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  The choices are,
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  and you reiterate that.
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  You're gonna go through that 3 times.
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  That is usually enough for a child to realize you're not conceding.
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  And they are going to be limited to option A and option B.
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  If that does not get them to the ability where they can make a choice.
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  Then you're going to use this phrase.
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  You really don't want to choose,
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  but if you choose not to choose,
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  you choose for me to choose for you.
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  Let me say that again cause it's choosy.
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  You really don't want to choose,
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  but if you choose not to choose,
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  you choose for me to choose for you.
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  And here is what that communicates.
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  The choice is the choice.
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  There will be no deviation from that.
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  And if you choose not to choose,
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  that is also a choice.
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  See,
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  the child thinks that they're,
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  they're not making the choice.
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  They think they're skirting the choice.
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  Well,
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  I don't want either one of those,
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  so I'm not going to pick either one.
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  That's
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  child logic because they're not rational.
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  So I'm just not going to pick one of those and then I'm not making a choice.
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  Well,
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  choosing not to choose is a choice.
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  And your phrase is going to be,
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  you really would like to not choose,
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  or you wish you could choose neither.
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  But if you choose not to choose,
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  you choose for me to choose for you.
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  And then you're going to choose
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  for the child
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  if they choose not to choose.
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  And
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  what they learn very quickly is it's better for them
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  to have a choice than not have a choice.
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  See,
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  they,
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  they think they're getting some power back
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  by refusing to decide.
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  But really what they're doing is giving their
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  power away because making a choice is power.
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  And it's going to help them understand that you're giving them a measure of power
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  by giving them the choice.
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  And when you choose for them,
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  they have no power.
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  And that is very convincing
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  for them learning that when they're given a choice,
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  they can choose from the options.
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  All right,
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  so that's how to address that part.
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  Let me continue with the email.
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  My 9 year old tends to initiate fights with
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  someone every time things don't go her way,
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  doing or saying something she knows will be disliked.
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  I need guidance on addressing this behavior.
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  We are trying to allocate 15 minutes to nurture a more positive relationship.
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  OK,
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  so that's a huge
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  component right there.
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  We want to make sure that we're dedicating one on one time
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  each week
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  with each of our children.
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  So I'm so happy to hear that you're giving that 15 minutes
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  for the positive relationship.
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  Make sure that she knows
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  she gets to decide what you do.
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  She gets to spend that time how she chooses,
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  and it's unconditionally accepting.
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  There are no rules,
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  there are no expectations.
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  Limits are needed if they're needed,
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  but it's only for safety and making sure things aren't getting damaged or broken.
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  So the goal is
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  that
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  you are unconditionally loving and accepting of her in those 15 minutes.
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  That will naturally
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  help her to start behaving in more self-enhancing ways.
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  However,
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  if she initiates fights every time things don't go her way
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  and she's doing things that she knows are going to be disliked,
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  that's a power grab.
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  We recognize that for what it is,
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  it's power and control need.
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  She feels that things are out of her control and she doesn't have power,
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  so she's grasping where she thinks that she can take it.
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  And that's why choices are so important.
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  You want to continually provide her with choices
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  so that she is able to feel a measure of control.
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  It's also really important
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  that the choices are mutually agreeable.
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  And it's also just for the sake of being given a choice.
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  So,
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  I don't know what your daughter's name.
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  I'm gonna say Jill.
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  So,
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  Jill,
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  you can choose for us to have broccoli tonight for dinner or
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  you can choose for us to have green beans tonight for dinner.
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  Which do you choose?
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  Assuming she likes both of those vegetables,
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  do not give a choice for something that a child does not like,
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  that's not a choice.
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  So if she likes both of those vegetables,
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  you're giving her an opportunity to make a choice.
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  It has to be a positive context.
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  It has to be something that she likes.
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  Choices cannot always be tied to limits.
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  Choices also need to be for empowerment,
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  so it's really important that as often as possible you're giving choices,
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  and
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  when she does or says something that she knows will be disliked,
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  she is trying to gain power over that person or that situation.
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  Now,
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  if it needs a limit,
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  then absolutely set a limit,
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  but otherwise you can just acknowledge what she did.
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  You chose to say something and you knew that that would
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  irritate that person,
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  or you chose to do that and you knew that they wouldn't like that.
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  And what you're doing is saying out loud that she's making a choice.
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  And over time,
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  she will start to choose to behave in more self enhancing ways.
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  OK,
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  so then continuing with the email,
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  we're making a conscious effort to avoid yelling and remaining calm.
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  If her friend invites her to play,
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  she may initially agree,
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  but then becomes demanding,
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  leading to a rapid escalation of the situation.
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  Is it normal for a nine year old to be preoccupied with their friend's whereabouts,
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  as evidenced by her constant inquiries during our camping trip
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  and tendency to follow her friend around despite being rebuffed?
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  Well,
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  yes,
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  for a child that has to have power and control.
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  Because the not knowing feels completely powerless.
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  The unknown is overwhelming for a child that wants control.
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  So,
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  of course,
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  I want to,
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  I want things to be my way.
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  I want to know exactly what's going on.
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  I want to follow someone around.
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  It makes her feel that she has a measure of control.
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  Because if she doesn't know,
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  if she is unaware,
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  if something is outside of her knowledge,
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  she then
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  is at the mercy of whatever that may be.
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  The grasping at power and controls extending into relationships as well.
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  This is why we need to give choices as much as possible.
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  When I comment on this behavior,
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  she dismisses me saying,
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  Mom,
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  stop,
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  I'm fine.
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  It's worth noting that she can be very helpful when in a good mood,
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  highlighting her capacity for positive behavior.
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  I suspect that boredom contributes to her propensity to fight with her sister.
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  How can I best address this issue,
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  which consistently arises during car travel and vacations?
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  From a very long time ago episode,
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  I talked about when kids are in a compromised state,
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  tired,
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  hungry,
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  or bored,
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  they are less likely to be able to behave in appropriate ways.
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  So absolutely,
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  I suspect being bored
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  will contribute being tired or being hungry will also contribute.
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  Feeling powerless in this case will also contribute.
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  So,
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  therefore,
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  you're going to want to proactively set yourself up for success as well as her.
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  What are things you can
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  Pack ahead of time,
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  plan ahead of time,
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  that will go in the car with you all,
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  so that she has things to do,
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  so that she has things that she enjoys,
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  so that there are opportunities for her to
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  do something
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  instead of getting bored.
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  And this ideally is not going to be electronic in nature.
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  You know,
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  there,
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  I mean,
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  OG,
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  like when I was growing up,
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  we
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  would find the letters of the alphabet in order from billboards.
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  That doesn't require any planning ahead of time.
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  We would play the license plate game
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  where you had to find as many other state license plates
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  as you could while you drive and you keep track.
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  That requires no packing and planning.
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  However,
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  there are
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  car ride games that have been created now.
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  I know for example,
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  Melissa and Doug
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  has a license plate game board and you flip the state over as you find it.
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  So that you're able to keep track of the
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  states that you have seen on the license plates.
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  They have,
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  I don't know if it's Melissa and Doug,
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  but they also have an alphabet game where you flip
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  it over when you find the letters on the billboards.
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  You can
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  find certain colors of cars.
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  You can play car bingo.
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  There are all kinds of things
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  that give her something to do.
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  That keep her engaged
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  so that it's not just boredom fighting.
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  Now there's also books,
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  there's coloring,
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  there's all kinds of other things that she can bring with her
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  so that she's able to stay busy
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  and not feel like there's nothing to do but
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  get into irritating,
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  aggravating kind of scenarios with her sister.
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  However,
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  there needs to be a limit associated with that kind of behavior.
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  So
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  girls.
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  When you choose to fight in the backseat of the car,
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  you choose negative consequence.
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  When you choose not to fight in the backseat of the car,
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  you choose positive consequence.
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  Now that might be
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  when you get to where you're going.
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  They aren't able to
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  do the bonfire that night at the campground or they're not able to stay up.
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  They have to go to bed early because they've chosen to fight.
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  What's going to matter to them,
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  that's going to be the currency there.
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  So when you choose to behave in appropriate ways,
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  there's a positive outcome associated with it.
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  When you choose to behave in negative ways,
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  there's a negative outcome associated with it.
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  You say this completely calmly.
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  You say this neutrally,
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  you say this factually.
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  Let me be really clear,
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  because this is easy to get ourselves in this situation.
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  We don't go.
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  If you guys fight in the car when we get to the campground,
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  you are not being,
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  you're not gonna be able to be at the fire.
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  That's a threat.
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  It's not neutral.
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  It's not
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  child-centered.
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  And we have completely lost the sense of
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  you are now being given a choice and therefore you are choosing the outcome.
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  Girls,
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  when you choose to fight in the backseat,
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  you choose not to have
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  the bonfire tonight at the campground.
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  If you choose not to fight in the backseat,
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  you choose to have the bonfire tonight at the campground.
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  And what will eventually happen is.
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  They start to correct each other.
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  They start to help each other.
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  Stop.
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  If you do that,
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  we're gonna choose not to have the bonfire tonight.
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  That's exactly what we're looking for is that they support each other
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  and they help each other
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  to comply with limits
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  because it matters for both of them.
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  It takes two to fight.
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  My mom used to say that when I was little and it used
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  to drive me nuts because my brother would inevitably be tormenting me,
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  not that I ever had anything to do with it,
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  I'm sure,
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  but
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  my brother would be,
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  in my perspective,
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  tormenting me
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  and then my mom would say,
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  it takes two to fight and it takes 2 to get along.
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  And I always was like,
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  oh my gosh,
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  being an oldest,
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  you know.
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  But
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  the point of that is,
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  they can choose to get along collectively or they can choose to fight collectively.
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  It is very much a collaborative decision,
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  and so they will start to self-correct each other,
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  which is exactly what you want because you don't want to be the one nagging them,
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  telling them to stop fighting.
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  So Brianna,
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  I hope that that is helpful.
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  You kind of gave me a whole bunch of
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  different questions as a result of the earlier episodes,
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  so I'm grateful that you emailed again,
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  and I'm hopeful that that is helpful to each of you because very common scenarios,
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  we all deal with
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  situations
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  like you described,
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  so I appreciate the email.
• 15:00
  As always,
• 15:00
  please email me if you would like me to answer a question for you,
• 15:03
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com and as I mentioned,
• 15:06
  we're going to be going into curriculum
• 15:09
  and specific teaching type of podcasts
• 15:13
  in the near future.
• 15:14
  So next episode we will begin with that series for a new season.
• 15:18
  All right,
• 15:18
  I appreciate y'all so much.
• 15:19
  Have a great week.
• 15:20
  Bye.
• 15:21
  Thank you for listening to
• 15:22
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 15:26
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 15:30
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.