Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Parenting in a Digital World pt. 3 | Ep. 166

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Parenting in a Digital World pt. 3 | Ep. 166 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Cheryl: We're picking up right where we left off.
• 0:09
  Cheryl: If you caught last week's episode, you know we're in the middle of a powerful conversation with Crystal Coon on Parenting in the digital age.
• 0:19
  Cheryl: Today on the Parenting podcast.
• 0:21
  Cheryl: We're continuing that talk, but now we're stepping into, what it actually looks like, real moments, real decisions, and what happens when parents stop going it alone, And start linking arms.
• 0:37
  Cheryl: I'm Cheryl Lang and I'm so glad you're here.
• 0:41
  Cheryl: I'll rewind just a little to bring us back into the heart of what Crystal was sharing, and then we'll keep going.
• 0:56
  Crystal: I'm incredibly fortunate because our school is intentionally tech-free, and that's not the case for most moms and dads.
• 1:02
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 1:02
  Crystal: And I wanna come back to the issue of public schools and schools that do use a lot of technology.
• 1:08
  Crystal: So let's come back to that.
• 1:10
  Crystal: But in the fifth grade, we had an incident where, um, our daughters started connecting, um, through FaceTime and group chats.
• 1:19
  Crystal: And, and all of us moms realized, oh, goodness.
• 1:22
  Mm.
• 1:23
  Crystal: We're not ready for this.
• 1:24
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 1:24
  Crystal: We haven't built a plan for how we want our kids to engage technologically.
• 1:29
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 1:30
  Crystal: And so out of that, um.
• 1:32
  Crystal: I just hosted two dinners for Moms who were the same grade and the same gender, fifth grade girls at my school, We came together, we looked at the realities of screen usage, what these products mean.
• 1:45
  Crystal: I actually had a couple of friends come in, one who's a marriage and family therapist to talk about all the addiction issues that she sees with devices.
• 1:52
  Crystal: Uh, the second who is still in the line of work that I used to be, and she's a communications and technology expert, and so she helps campaigns nationally.
• 2:02
  Crystal: She helps.
• 2:03
  Crystal: Companies.
• 2:03
  Crystal: She helps CEOs build out their profile on these platforms.
• 2:07
  Crystal: And so she talked about how these platforms actually work.
• 2:10
  Crystal: And so as parents, we came together, we dialogued about all of these issues, and then we landed with a series of questions, what would it look like to build a series of community standards for our daughters and community based?
• 2:23
  Crystal: Values and boundaries for how we want our children to use tech as they're growing up through middle school and knowing that different families have different needs.
• 2:35
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 2:35
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 2:35
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 2:36
  Crystal: One family has a son with diabetes and he has to have a phone because it's how he monitors his blood sugar all throughout the day.
• 2:42
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 2:43
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 2:43
  Crystal: So, respecting the fact that we all come at this from different places and trying to be as nonjudgmental as we can.
• 2:50
  Crystal: And so it led to a series of conversations.
• 2:53
  Crystal: So when we started dialoguing and having these solutions, uhhuh, we came to, a consensus in this group, and we didn't all land in the same place.
• 3:01
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 3:01
  Crystal: Different families have different needs.
• 3:03
  Crystal: Sure.
• 3:03
  Crystal: Wow.
• 3:04
  Crystal: Because of the discussions that we were facilitating and the research that we were looking at, about half of them are waiting through the end of eighth grade to purchase phones and then.
• 3:14
  Crystal: Some of them are waiting through the end of high school.
• 3:16
  Crystal: You know, and moms are busy.
• 3:18
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 3:18
  Crystal: You know, and so just the ability to come together and take a breath and work on this together is also super helpful.
• 3:25
  Crystal: You're not in this alone.
• 3:27
  Crystal: Wow.
• 3:27
  Crystal: So it's, it's broad ranging.
• 3:29
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 3:29
  Crystal: Um, and then the other two key standards that we landed on is no social media through the end of eighth grade.
• 3:35
  Crystal: And then the last standard is when we are in each other's homes, that we will have a cell phone basket that all devices get put on, and that any access to screens are appropriately locked down.
• 3:46
  Crystal: And if there's older siblings in the home, we'll make a safety plan so that our children can't come into contact.
• 3:52
  Crystal: With those devices.
• 3:53
  Christie: That's fantastic.
• 3:54
  Christie: And I'm just thinking you listeners might be thinking, I don't know, a counselor friend or a consultant friend to come and share all these things.
• 4:02
  Christie: Right.
• 4:02
  Christie: But you can grab a copy of one, of these books Yes, absolutely.
• 4:04
  Christie: And do a book study together.
• 4:06
  Christie: Absolutely.
• 4:07
  Christie: And get a conversation going.
• 4:08
  Christie: In fact,
• 4:08
  Crystal: I have a book club that meets, um, downtown and we, we go through all of these issues and what I find is anytime you bring this issue up to other moms and dads, they're like.
• 4:19
  Crystal: Oh, thank goodness.
• 4:21
  Crystal: Mm, yeah.
• 4:21
  Crystal: Yes.
• 4:22
  Crystal: Let's talk about this.
• 4:23
  Crystal: Help me, let's help each other.
• 4:25
  Crystal: What a relief, right?
• 4:25
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 4:25
  Crystal: It's a, it's a huge relief.
• 4:27
  Crystal: And that's the power of community.
• 4:29
  Crystal: Yes.
• 4:29
  Crystal: And at the end of the day, what has happened with this group of moms that are all of the moms of my daughter's friends, is we have come together and we have taken the anxiety of, and the fomo of I'm the only one to, oh.
• 4:48
  Crystal: My whole friend group right.
• 4:49
  Crystal: Is just like me.
• 4:51
  Crystal: And so now we've taken this terrible anxiety inducing issue off the table so that our kids can be free to experience the joy of missing out.
• 5:01
  Christie: And how much better to do it on the front end.
• 5:04
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:04
  Christie: Than when you're having to make those uncomfortable phone calls when some incident happened.
• 5:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 5:08
  Christie: Right.
• 5:08
  Christie: In somebody's bedroom
• 5:10
  Crystal: or backyard.
• 5:11
  Crystal: Right.
• 5:11
  Crystal: And you know what?
• 5:12
  Crystal: Those things probably are still gonna happen.
• 5:14
  Crystal: Sure.
• 5:15
  Crystal: But now.
• 5:16
  Crystal: These moms and I, we have opened the lines of communication.
• 5:20
  Crystal: We know each other and we have spent time talking and thinking through hard issues.
• 5:25
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 5:25
  Crystal: And so when my child does something that's inappropriate or harms another child and her friend group, that mom knows that she can come to me and we can have a dialogue.
• 5:36
  Crystal: 'cause we've already established a relationship.
• 5:38
  Crystal: Oh, right.
• 5:39
  Christie: Wow.
• 5:40
  Christie: That's excellent.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: What a privilege.
• 5:42
  Cheryl: You have it.
• 5:43
  Crystal: It is, it is.
• 5:44
  Crystal: So for those you know, who have schools, who are using a lot of tech,.
• 5:49
  Crystal: Inside classroom instruction.
• 5:51
  Crystal: Again, I would just refer you to Emily Chikin.
• 5:54
  Crystal: There's a whole movement of trying to roll back technology in classes.
• 5:58
  Crystal: Ah, in Oklahoma, we're getting ready to pass a cell phone ban in classrooms.
• 6:02
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 6:02
  Crystal: And so the tide is take changing.
• 6:04
  Crystal: You're not alone.
• 6:05
  Crystal: And really, it does not take much to turn this from FOMO into jomo and Jomo is the joy of missing out.
• 6:14
  Crystal: And if you can just find one or two families who are on the same page mm-hmm.
• 6:20
  Crystal: As you are and who are willing to delay access.
• 6:24
  Crystal: That is the crux of the matter, because then you take it from your kid being the only kid without a phone to, you know what, I have three or other friends who are just like me, who only have a bark watch in middle school.
• 6:38
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 6:38
  Crystal: They don't have a smartphone, and so now your kid is not alone and that is huge because.
• 6:44
  Crystal: If you are just trying to go it alone, you may have children that are obedient and respect that, or you could have a kid who just feels completely ostracized.
• 6:55
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 6:55
  Crystal: And isolated.
• 6:57
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 6:57
  Crystal: By being the only one.
• 6:58
  Crystal: And persecuted because, and persecuted.
• 7:00
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 7:00
  Cheryl: Listening to school counselors if you have that isolated child, it's tough, right?
• 7:06
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 7:06
  Cheryl: There's bullying Plus, right?
• 7:08
  Cheryl: Miserable
• 7:08
  Crystal: isolation.
• 7:09
  Crystal: If you're, if you're in those spaces where that is the norm, where phones for everybody is the norm, classroom instruction, huge amounts of it are on screens.
• 7:18
  Crystal: The onus is on you to go out and find the resources, to learn how to advocate as a parent because they're there.
• 7:24
  Crystal: Um.
• 7:25
  Crystal: Jonathan Haidt has started, um, a wait until your eighth initiative.
• 7:29
  Crystal: All of these initiatives are out there, you just have to do the research.
• 7:33
  Crystal: And so I go back to Emily Chikin, Jonathan Haidt,,, Andy Crouch, if you will.
• 7:38
  Crystal: Read these resources alone, you will be really equipped to start advocating in your school and finding your people who are willing to have the same shared values.
• 7:47
  Crystal: Mm.
• 7:47
  Cheryl: Or whatever
• 7:48
  Crystal: group you're in.
• 7:49
  Crystal: Right.
• 7:49
  Crystal: It could be a sports team.
• 7:51
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 7:51
  Crystal: It could be at your church, it could be, you know, girl Scout troop, you know, whatever.
• 7:56
  Crystal: It's a co-op, whatever you're co-op in, a co-op, whatever.
• 7:58
  Cheryl: Just get a small cohort mm-hmm.
• 8:01
  Cheryl: Of a few like-minded families.
• 8:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:04
  Cheryl: Or see are you interested?
• 8:05
  Cheryl: And then you start this conversation small.
• 8:07
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 8:07
  Crystal: And they may not even land in the same space as you do.
• 8:10
  Crystal: They may say, you know what?
• 8:11
  Crystal: We are gonna go ahead and give smartphones, but we're gonna have it on lockdown access.
• 8:16
  Crystal: But we're gonna agree that when our children are in your home.
• 8:19
  Crystal: Oh, I love that.
• 8:20
  Crystal: Our kids are gonna be prepared for the cell phone basket.
• 8:22
  Crystal: and you know, something that I do, anytime my kids are going over to a home to play, I have the tough, awkward conversation.
• 8:33
  Crystal: Hey, oh, here are our tech boundaries.
• 8:35
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 8:36
  Crystal: And so when my kids are in your home, will there be access to devices, to unmonitored devices?
• 8:42
  Crystal: Very good.
• 8:43
  Crystal: Um, do you have, uh.
• 8:45
  Crystal: Passcodes on your Netflix accounts, because if you don't, I need you to know that we don't allow our kids to have those things.
• 8:52
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 8:52
  Crystal: Or to be around them if that's gonna be a problem.
• 8:55
  Crystal: Hey, I totally respect that, but little Johnny is welcome to come over to our house and play instead.
• 9:00
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 9:00
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 9:01
  Crystal: When I'm building a relationship a friendship or a lot of times when there's a new family that's coming into, you know, my children's uh, friend group, uh, and we're starting with new play dates, I will go out of my way to say, Hey, I'm so glad that.
• 9:15
  Crystal: Johnny is coming over to our house today.
• 9:18
  Crystal: I'm gonna tell you about what we do with our tech boundaries.
• 9:20
  Crystal: Wow, that's great.
• 9:21
  Crystal: So I run them through, we have passcodes on all of our accounts.
• 9:25
  Crystal: Our gaming system is not connected to the internet.
• 9:28
  Crystal: I don't allow my kids to play, you know, games more than 30 minutes at a time.
• 9:33
  Crystal: And then, um, all of our devices are put away.
• 9:37
  Crystal: And so your kid won't have access to any of these things while they're in our home.
• 9:41
  Crystal: Is there any other boundary that you'd like me to respect?
• 9:44
  Cheryl: Mm.
• 9:44
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:45
  Cheryl: What a respectful, wise way.
• 9:48
  Cheryl: Uh, you know, I'm listening to this like you're talking about the tide is turning.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:52
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 9:53
  Cheryl: Instead of all of us being, if you will victimized.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 9:56
  Cheryl: Not knowing that all this is going on from all the tech companies and ai, I mean, we're battling ai.
• 10:03
  Cheryl: Um.
• 10:04
  Cheryl: That I love the empowerment that this brings, I'm reading a book right now about what happened behind the Iron Curtain back in the late eighties when those countries began to fight for freedom, and it began in Poland.
• 10:18
  Cheryl: mm-hmm.
• 10:19
  Cheryl: But how it started so small with just a few people pushing back and then that they collectively grew in numbers, but they worked together and they fought back.
• 10:30
  Crystal: Right.
• 10:30
  Crystal: And that's what you're talking about.
• 10:32
  Crystal: Right.
• 10:32
  Crystal: And I would just say.
• 10:34
  Crystal: I mean, really the tide is turning.
• 10:36
  Crystal: Yes.
• 10:36
  Crystal: I mean, the fact that the legislature is getting ready to pass a cell phone ban in schools is huge.
• 10:41
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 10:41
  Crystal: Huge.
• 10:41
  Crystal: So lean into that.
• 10:42
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 10:43
  Crystal: You know, if you haven't contacted your legislator and said, Hey, I support this, do that.
• 10:47
  Crystal: Let'em hear from you.
• 10:49
  Crystal: Build relationships with your school administrators.
• 10:51
  Crystal: Start sharing with them some of this research.
• 10:53
  Crystal: Hey, it's pretty obvious that more than one hour a day of screen time is detrimental to learning you if you don't know who your school board members are.
• 11:01
  Crystal: You really need to take the time to do that because these are issues that if we start bringing it to their attention, man, that's helpful to them.
• 11:09
  Cheryl: Fantastic.
• 11:10
  Cheryl: And just top to bottom, this is bringing healthiness and wholeness and.
• 11:16
  Cheryl: I mean light for the future that we're not saying no, we aren't gonna have technology.
• 11:21
  Cheryl: But I love it tech wise.
• 11:23
  Cheryl: Mm mm-hmm.
• 11:24
  Cheryl: And now I'm just not tech wise, families, but tech wise, communities and tech.
• 11:28
  Cheryl: Intentionality.
• 11:29
  Christie: Intentionality.
• 11:30
  Christie: I love the intentionality and the wisdom, I think speaks so much value to our kids, Uhhuh, when we're saying, I'm doing this for you.
• 11:38
  Christie: Right.
• 11:38
  Christie: It's not restrictive against you, it's for you.
• 11:41
  Christie: I just think that really would resonate with kids to hear their parents putting so much work into caring for them.
• 11:48
  Christie: Well, and also
• 11:49
  Crystal: just, I mean, practically speaking, these.
• 11:52
  Crystal: Devices are changing all the time.
• 11:55
  Crystal: You know, three and four years ago, gab watches and bark watches didn't exist, right?
• 12:00
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 12:00
  Crystal: The, the dumb phones.
• 12:01
  Crystal: So tell
• 12:01
  Cheryl: people that don't know what gab and bark are.
• 12:03
  Crystal: So these are alternatives to smartphones and it's essentially just a watch that you can program.
• 12:09
  Crystal: That really only allows your kids to call and text you, and so they come free of any apps, free of any access to the internet, and there's no possible workaround, and that's really valuable because no matter what.
• 12:23
  Crystal: Types of lockdowns you put on a smartphone.
• 12:26
  Crystal: There are always ways around it.
• 12:28
  Crystal: And so who knows where we will be in three or four years?
• 12:32
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 12:32
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 12:33
  Crystal: So don't just assume that the status quo today is gonna be the status quo that you're battling.
• 12:37
  Crystal: So if you do the hard work now and lay the groundwork now, the industry and parental rights.
• 12:44
  Crystal: In my opinion are gonna continue to evolve and come alongside us.
• 12:48
  Crystal: And so it's worth the fight now.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: Wow.
• 12:50
  Cheryl: And so I'm going, okay, crystal, so on this subject, let's have her back in here in six months or nine months and then update us with the new, what's happening, right?
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Mm-hmm.
• 13:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: Because that is part of the problem is the landscape changes so quickly.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:06
  Cheryl: And they have AI on their side.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:08
  Cheryl: And so we have to continue to fight.
• 13:12
  Crystal: Yeah, and I would just say one more thing about that.
• 13:15
  Crystal: When you're considering what is the right amount of tech exposure and access to devices, you have to keep in the forefront.
• 13:24
  Crystal: The developing brain.
• 13:27
  Crystal: Really, because a lot of parents have fear that, well, I'm training my children on how to use these.
• 13:34
  Crystal: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:34
  Crystal: You know, I want them to experience all these things while they're under my roof.
• 13:39
  Crystal: Yes, but the impact to a developing brain is far more detrimental.
• 13:46
  Crystal: They're gonna leave your house at 18 and even if they've never had a device, they're gonna figure out how to use it.
• 13:52
  Crystal: Yeah.
• 13:52
  Crystal: In about 2.5 seconds.
• 13:54
  Crystal: So I would also just say, from a wisdom perspective, Don't just assume that you need to train them how to use all of these things, but really keep in mind what's developmentally appropriate.
• 14:07
  Crystal: Wow.
• 14:07
  Cheryl: Crystal, this is fascinating.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 14:10
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 14:11
  Cheryl: Crystal, what's the last bit of encouragement you'll leave our listeners and families with?
• 14:17
  Crystal: It's worth the fight.
• 14:18
  Crystal: Ah, it's worth the fight and, and it's not always going to be a fight if you're willing to do the research.
• 14:27
  Crystal: If you're willing to take stock of your own heart and mind and make change and lay that groundwork for your kids, because technology is only going to become more and more entwined into our lives, and so we have this precious little time with them.
• 14:44
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 14:44
  Crystal: You can do this.
• 14:45
  Crystal: Mm-hmm.
• 14:46
  Crystal: Everybody is facing the same things and we've got far more resources.
• 14:50
  Crystal: Than we did just even two and three years ago.
• 14:52
  Crystal: So you're not alone.
• 14:54
  Crystal: There's a lot out there that can help you and just go for it.
• 14:57
  Cheryl: Wow, that's great.
• 14:58
  Cheryl: That's excellent.
• 14:59
  Cheryl: Thank you so much, crystal, so Parents, hang in there.
• 15:04
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering because it is worth it.
• 15:09
  Cheryl: This conversation with Crystal gave me a lot to think about, and I hope it did for you too.
• 15:17
  Cheryl: None of us are getting this tech thing perfectly right, but we can support one another.
• 15:23
  Cheryl: Maybe you were struck by the power of community or the reminder that setting limits isn't about fear, but about love and vision.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: And the truth is, it doesn't take a perfect system.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: It takes just one bright step, a simple conversation, a phone basket, a friend willing to try something different with you.
• 15:50
  Cheryl: If something crystal said resonated, or if you're figuring out what this could look like in your home, we'd love to hear from you.
• 15:58
  Cheryl: Reach out anytime on social or at contact@theparentingpodcast.com.
• 16:04
  Cheryl: Next time, Christie, I'll be back to reflect and dig into what Crystal shared.
• 16:10
  Cheryl: We're talking real life parenting and how to make it work for your family.
• 16:16
  Cheryl: So don't miss it Until then, keep going, keep loving because it really is worth the fight.