Latest / Living with Parkinson’s | Bryce Perry / Parkinson’s and Pride: Why It’s So Hard to Ask for Help (And How to Start)

Transcript

Parkinson’s and Pride: Why It’s So Hard to Ask for Help (And How to Start) · Living with Parkinson’s | Bryce Perry

• 0:01
  Do you ever notice how we can make the simplest things in life
• 0:04
  way harder than they need to be? You know, someone offers the
• 0:08
  help and instead of just saying thanks, we say no, no, I've got
• 0:11
  it, even though we clearly don't.
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  Well, that's me. Always has been with
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  Parkinson's. Pride has this funny way of
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  turning small moments into big lessons and sometimes even into
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  disasters. And you know what?
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  Once in awhile into a wake up call that changes everything.
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  But stick around because today we're talking about why it's so
• 0:29
  hard to ask for help and more importantly, how to start.
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  And at the end, I've got a Bryce ISM that took me 15 years to
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  learn the hard way. Welcome to Living with
• 0:42
  Parkinson's, the good, the bad, and the reality.
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  Real talk, real life, real community.
• 0:50
  Bryce Perry, let's begin. Hey everyone, welcome back to
• 0:55
  living with Parkinson's, the good, the bad and the reality.
• 0:58
  Now if you're new here, I'm Bryce and this channel is where
• 1:01
  we talk about Parkinson's as it really is.
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  The winds, the wobbles and all the weird in between moments.
• 1:07
  And if you like conversations that are honest, real, and
• 1:09
  hopefully sometimes funny and always human, make sure to hit
• 1:13
  that subscribe button. Join this community that proves
• 1:16
  that we can still live well. We can love while we can laugh
• 1:19
  often, and we can keep doing life today.
• 1:22
  Now, if you've ever refused help even when you knew you needed
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  it, this episode's for you. Because sometimes asking for
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  help feels harder than living with Parkinson's itself.
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  OK, let me start with something light.
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  Carmen and I were flying home from a trip.
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  We're both wiped out, right? My meds are wearing off.
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  And, and we get to the baggage claim and, and there it is.
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  There's our suitcase. You know what?
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  Big enough to fit a family of four inside of it, probably.
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  Thanks, Carmen. Just kidding, Carmen says, here,
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  let me grab it. And of course I say no, no, no,
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  I've got it. And you know where this is
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  going, right? I grab the handle.
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  My grip decides it's on vacation, and the thing takes
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  off like a bowling ball with a mission.
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  I almost wipe out a poor guy beside me.
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  He jumps back. I'm like, hey, let's just start
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  a flash mob, right? Carmen standing there shaking
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  her head, trying not to laugh. And just as so you got it,
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  Bryce. Yeah.
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  You know what? Pride?
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  Zero gravity one. But you know what?
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  It wasn't about the bag, the suitcase.
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  It was about wanting to be the guy who could still handle the
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  bag, still pick up that suitcase.
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  Because every time Parkinson's takes something, pride steps in
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  and says, oh, no, you don't. The problem is, pride never wins
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  that argument. I'm still trying to learn that
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  myself some days. Now, this little moment, the
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  airport, that was a preview of what was coming.
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  Because pride doesn't always show up in big ways.
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  It sneaks in quietly, one small I got it at a time until
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  suddenly you don't. And it came full circle a few
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  weeks later, right? Right in the hotel, hotel, my
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  Toronto hotel room last week. And if you watched Tuesday's
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  episode or listened to Tuesday's episode, you know that the
• 3:06
  story, right? But I'm just going to give you
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  the quick and short version. I was travelling, I was running
• 3:10
  on fumes and I was telling myself I was fine.
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  And by the end of the week, I was so wiped out that my body
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  just completely shut down to hotel staff had to break into my
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  room and shake me awake while Carmen is on the phone like 2000
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  miles away and all she's hearing is he's not responding.
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  And you know, when I finally woke up, here's the thing, I
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  wasn't just scared, right? I was embarrassed because the
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  truth was I had every warning sign and I ignored them all.
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  Me, Mr. I know everything. Yeah, right.
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  And and even then, the very first thought I had wasn't like,
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  wow, I really needed this rest. It was like, oh, my God, I
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  should have handled this better. And that's pride talking.
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  It's the same voice that says don't bother anyone.
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  Or you can push through this. But that voice doesn't protect
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  you. It isolates you.
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  You've been there before. How about this in the comments?
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  Don't leave me stranded here, please.
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  Hashtag, don't bother anyone or hashtag you push through this.
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  What do you tell yourself? Hashtag don't bother anyone or
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  hashtag you can push through this.
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  So you need to say, put in a hashtag so me, me.
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  Bryce doesn't feel alone. It's all about Bryce today, you
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  know, just kidding. All right.
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  Now, that day, that night, it changed how I I think about
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  pride because pride can make you feel strong in the moment, but
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  it leaves you broken later. It's like trying to lift
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  something like really heavy with the wrong muscles and eventually
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  something gives out. So Parkinson's has a way of
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  humbling you whether you're ready or not.
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  It doesn't care about your ego or your To Do List right.
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  It'll slow you down, it'll freeze you mid stride or it
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  will, you know, drop a bag right out of your hand if that's what
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  it takes to get your attention. But it's not punishment.
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  Depends how you look at it. It's not punishment.
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  It's permission. Permission to pause, permission
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  to accept, permission to lean on others.
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  Because independence used to be my definition of strength, and
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  now I realize connection is that new definition.
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  The people who love you don't want to take over.
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  They want to be part of the story, part of your story.
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  And every time we say, no, I got it, What we're really saying is
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  I don't trust you to help. That one stings, right?
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  Like, just think about it. It stings, doesn't it?
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  So if pride's not helping us, then what does?
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  The answer isn't easy, but it starts with one word.
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  That word is trust. Because here's the truth.
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  Asking for help isn't giving up control.
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  It's sharing strength. And when you let someone help,
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  it's not weakness, it's teamwork.
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  You're saying we're in this together.
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  And sometimes that's all a care partner or a friend or anybody
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  who's who's wanting to help needs to hear.
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  Because what feels like help to you might feel like purpose to
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  them. You're giving them the chance to
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  show up, to matter and to do something that makes a
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  difference. And that's powerful.
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  That builds community. So don't rob them of that.
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  The next time you catch yourself saying I've got it or or stop
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  and ask yourself, next time you say I've got it or I'm good,
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  stop and ask yourself, why am I saying no?
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  If it's pride, maybe just try. OK, thanks.
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  Right. That's one small change that can
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  open a whole new level of trust. Microphone's falling over.
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  But here's the thing. Knowing why we should ask for
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  help is one thing, Actually doing it is another.
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  So let's talk about how we let people in without losing
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  ourselves in the process. That's huge, isn't it?
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  Now this is where most of us get stuck.
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  That space between I need help and I can't bring myself to ask.
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  So here's a few things that help me open up even when my instinct
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  is to shut down #1 start small. Start small.
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  Let someone carry something for you.
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  Let them open the door. Let them make a coffee cup of
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  coffee. These little yeses can teach
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  your pride to relax. Because the thing you know,
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  here's the thing. If we can't accept small help,
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  we'll never be able to accept big help.
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  And when you need big help, you need help.
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  OK, here's #2 communicate early, not after the crash.
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  Don't wait until you've burned out till you're burned out or
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  frustrated. Say something when you start to
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  fade. Even a quick I'm getting tired
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  helps people read where you're at.
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  And that early honesty, It prevents resentment later for
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  both sides. Trust me, I'm saving marriages
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  right now anyway #3 drop the guilt.
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  You are not a burden. You're a human being doing
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  something incredibly hard. The people who care about you
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  want to help. And if they didn't, they
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  wouldn't be here at all. OK, so you matter, right?
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  You're not just a person living with Parkinson's.
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  You're a person and you're living.
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  And I had to learn that guilt that I had to learn.
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  That guilt doesn't protect anyone.
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  It just blocks connection. It really does.
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  All right, here's number four. Let people help.
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  Let people help in their way, in their way.
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  Not everyone helps the same way. Some people listen, some
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  organize, some show up with stacks.
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  Take what they take, what they can give.
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  It doesn't have to be perfect, it doesn't have to be what you
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  like. It just has to be something OK.
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  Because perfect help doesn't exist, but real help does #5 say
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  thank you instead of story when someone helps.
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  Resist the urge to say sorry you had to do that, so sorry you had
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  to do that, I'm so sorry. Just say thank you for doing
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  that. One word builds shame, the other
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  builds gratitude. Think about that.
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  One of those words builds shame, the other builds gratitude.
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  Sorry, Thank you, not sorry. And if you take nothing else
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  from this section of what I'm talking about, take this.
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  The goal isn't to need less help.
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  It's to get better at letting it in.
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  And while we're learning how to let people in, the people who
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  love us are learning something too, how to offer help without
• 9:31
  overstepping. And now that's a perfect segue
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  to Carmen's Care Partner Corner. And this is where her
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  perspective comes in for Care Partners.
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  And this is what she asked me to say to you today.
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  You know, it's a struggle sometimes knowing when to help
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  and when to step back. Because honestly, there's this
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  constant tug of war between wanting you to do things on your
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  own and knowing how much you struggle with some of them.
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  I never want to take something away from you that you can't,
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  that you can still do. But I also don't want to stand
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  there and watch you fight through something that's just
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  too much. And the truth is, it's hard to
• 10:08
  tell the difference sometimes. Like around the house, you'll
• 10:13
  want, this is straight for me. Oh, my God, no, it's to
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  everybody, but she wrote it to me.
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  Like, around the house, you'll want to lift something heavy or
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  move furniture. And I'm standing there thinking
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  there's an easier, safer way to do this.
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  But if I step in, you may get frustrated.
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  And if I don't, I'm worried you'll end up hurting yourself
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  or paying for it the next day. So I end up stuck in this middle
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  space, not out of fear that you'll get mad, but because I'm
• 10:37
  constantly asking myself when is it my turn to?
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  When is it my turn to say stop? And I know you're not trying to
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  push me away, you're just trying to prove to yourself that you
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  still can. But from my side, it's tough
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  watching you do things the hard way when there's a safer 1
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  sitting right here. What I really wish, and what I
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  think every care partner wishes, is for that balance where you
• 11:04
  still feel capable and I still feel useful.
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  And if I could give one tip to another care partner out there
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  today, it would be this. Talk about the when before
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  you're in the moment. Have that conversation on a calm
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  day about what kind of help feels OK and what doesn't,
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  because in the middle of the frustration, nobody thinks
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  clearly and you both end up feeling misunderstood.
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  The truth is, this only works when we're a team.
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  It's not about me taking over or you giving up.
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  It's about finding that middle ground where we both get to help
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  each other, where we both get to help each other live better.
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  Wow. Well said, Carmen.
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  That's right. That's right there.
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  That's. See, that's why Carmen's Corner
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  matters so much. Because living with Parkinson's
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  isn't just about what's happening in your body.
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  It's about the people standing beside you every single day.
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  And you know what? Yeah.
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  Anyway, letting people in isn't a loss of control, it's an act
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  of courage. And it's admitting that life
• 12:10
  with Parkinson's takes more than meds and mindset.
• 12:13
  It takes people. And when you open up, you give
• 12:16
  others permission to do the same.
• 12:18
  And really, that's how community grows, right?
• 12:21
  That's how marriages stay strong.
• 12:22
  That's how friendships deepen. Because when you stop pretending
• 12:26
  you've got it all together, people finally see the real you.
• 12:29
  And they lean in not away. They lean in, not away.
• 12:36
  All right, well, if you made it this far, you've made it to.
• 12:38
  You've unlocked. You've unlocked the prices of
• 12:40
  the day. If you're ready for it, here it
• 12:42
  comes. Asking for help is not giving up
• 12:46
  control. It's giving someone else a
• 12:48
  chance to show up for you. And everybody needs a chance to
• 12:53
  show up, don't they? So give somebody that chance
• 12:56
  this week. OK, here's your challenge this
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  week. Catch yourself in one of those
• 13:02
  know I've got at moments and instead say yes, let somebody
• 13:05
  help you, even if it feels weird at 1st.
• 13:08
  And remember, don't apologize for them having to help you.
• 13:12
  Thank them for having for for helping you.
• 13:16
  And tell me in the comments how it went.
• 13:18
  Did it make your day easier? Did it spark a conversation?
• 13:21
  Did it remind you that you don't have to do this all alone?
• 13:25
  And if you're ready to keep having those conversations, the
• 13:27
  ones that are honest, a little uncomfortable, but they're
• 13:30
  always real, join me in the inner circle.
• 13:33
  That's where we talk about the stuff that really matters.
• 13:37
  The link is in the description below.
• 13:40
  And hey, you know what? If you haven't to subscribe to
• 13:41
  the channel, where have you been?
• 13:43
  This thing is exploding. It's free and it helps the
• 13:45
  community grow. Just sign up, subscribe like the
• 13:49
  like the video and share it. You know what?
• 13:52
  When you like and share a video, everybody gets shown YouTube and
• 13:58
  the podcast channels they show it, they they send it out to
• 14:00
  more and more people. And you know, we're growing so
• 14:03
  fast, so quickly. This community, not me, that's
• 14:05
  not my channel, not my channel growing.
• 14:07
  This community is growing because it's a bunch of people
• 14:11
  that want to live life. They want to live it hard
• 14:12
  despite the Parkinson's like who cares that we have parties as we
• 14:15
  still are going to live. So anyway.
• 14:18
  So if you don't want more people to to understand and feel it, do
• 14:22
  it all right. And if this episode made you
• 14:24
  think of someone who needs to hear it, send it to them,
• 14:26
  forward it to them. Because sometimes 1 shared video
• 14:28
  can open a door that someone's been afraid to walk through.
• 14:32
  And until next time, I love you guys.
• 14:36
  I appreciate you guys, and I want you to remember it.
• 14:39
  Keep showing up, keep being real, stop apologizing for
• 14:43
  yourself. Keep thinking and you keep doing
• 14:46
  life today. We'll see you later.