Latest / An ASMR Practice / Another source of rage

Transcript

Another source of rage · An ASMR Practice

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Guys, deadass, I might have to move to Florida. Okay,
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: I just overheard- I had to stop at the Buc-ee's.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I had to use the restroom. Um... I just overheard
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: these two guys. They're parked right next to me. And
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: one of them's carrying, like, a five-gallon bucket with the
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: Buc-ee's logo. And one of them's just carrying, like, the
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: fattest fucking burrito I've ever seen. Okay. And the one
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: carrying the burrito goes. Yeah dude a Bucky's haul would
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: go crazy. And then he like puts the bucket in
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: the bag. And he like pulls. The guy with the
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: bucket puts the bucket in the bag. And then he
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: like pulls a burrito out of the bucket. And so
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: they're both like sitting in the car. Like with their burritos.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I was like this is so freaking cute. This is literally.
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: I'm jealous. I'm literally jealous. Oh no but. They seem...
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Florida? I love Florida. I'm happy to
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: be back here. I don't like it for the reason
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: that people usually like it, because most people are, like,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: just trying not to pay tax, I think is, like,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: the main appeal. They're, you know, trying to probably just, like,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: recruit really cheap labor and, like, not pay taxes. Me? Me?
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: I'm just trying to interact with some gentlemen at the buggies.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I didn't even interact with them, actually. Okay, so I
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: had one more thing. I did have one more thing.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: This is just... All of this, this whole podcast... The
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: way I justified all of this was I was like...
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: Because it does cost an amount of money to do this.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: And so I was like... I was like, this is
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: my therapy. This is my therapy. So this is me
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: letting stuff go. This is me trying to let stuff go.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I just talked about... I don't remember what I just
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: talked about. Oh, the thing that my freaking co-worker said
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: that pissed me off. And this other thing that I've
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: just been holding onto it for so freaking long. Because
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: this was a guy that I really looked up to. Like, intellectually. Intellectually.
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: And I don't know why, because this guy just spun
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: me in circles for like a decade. But... Because he
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: was like... I think the accusation I got a lot
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: from him was that I make everything about me. But
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: I think for me, I'm like... A very sentimental person.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: And I remember everything. Like I remember everything. Not everything.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: But I remember a lot. Especially from my youth. And so.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: I think it annoyed him. That. I would sort of.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: Something would happen. And it would remind me of something.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: And I would be like. Oh this reminds me of
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: this other thing. And I just, I think it annoyed him.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: That I was, like, you know, I think the way
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: he would put it is that I was leaving the
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: present moment in order to, like, go back in time.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: But for me, it's just, like, I was trying to
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: tell stories. I was trying to tell stories. And I just...
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: I was reminded of some... And then it's like, what?
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: I'm supposed to... Am I... Am I allowed to speak
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: or not? Because then it's like the... The kind of...
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: When my heart really died for this guy was like...
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: In a fucking beach... Condo. And I think I just...
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: And yeah, I probably took it that way. I probably
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: just took it that way, but I just felt like
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: everything I said was wrong. Like, everything I said, he was, like,
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: seemingly upset about. And, you know, he was being very
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: angry with me. Like, it didn't seem like he liked
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: me at all. It seemed like he just primarily wanted
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: to watch sports, shit on my music. oppress me generally
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: tell me what i can and can't do paranoia you
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: know just absolutely giving me so much paranoia like because
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: okay so for example we're like at the beach and
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: there was like there was a boogie board like there
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: and i was like i'm just gonna borrow this boogie
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: board really quick i just want to catch a few
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: waves and he was like no you can't do that
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: no you can't do that here You don't understand the
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: way that people are here. This is true. This was
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: a different country. I don't know. And I think. I
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: just cannot fathom. I cannot fathom. If I discovered. That
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: my boogie board was being borrowed. By a person. I
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: cannot imagine. Imagine. that I would have any qualms with that, like, whatsoever.
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: And it's like, I'm betting money, because it's like, the
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: whole time we were there, I didn't see another person.
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: I'm betting money. I will bet money right now. Whoever
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: owns this fucking boogie board, first of all, they might
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: have only stayed for a rental. Like, it might have
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: been a rental, and they're never coming back. And then
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: second of all, they're, like, probably definitely not even here. Like,
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: I didn't see another person the whole time. But it
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: was like, you're not allowed to go for a run.
• 6:18
  Speaker 1: You're not allowed to go outside. You're not allowed to
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: borrow the boogie board. It was just, like, extreme paranoia.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: And it's like, don't get me wrong, I understand, like,
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: someone in his family got, like, mugged. Once. Someone in
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: his family who dresses, like, extremely lavishly and luxuriously and
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: talks like a person who is of extreme wealth got mugged. Yeah,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: that makes sense. Straight up. I'm not saying he deserved it.
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: I'm just saying some people look more muggable than others. And, like,
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: I'm just a girl. I don't... I was like, I
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: don't need... I was like, I'll leave my money here.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: I was like, I don't need anything. I just need
• 6:59
  Speaker 1: to get outside. And he was like, no. And I
• 7:04
  Speaker 1: should have just done it. And I think I did
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: just do it. I don't remember. I honestly don't remember.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: And honestly, I really pissed him off. Because he was
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: just hurting my feelings in a really big way. And
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: I got a hold of my ex. You know, we're
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: like kind of sort of friends. I got a hold
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: of my ex who like still kind of cared about
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: me a little bit. And then all of a sudden
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I could talk. It was like I had so much
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: to say to my ex. And I just remember he was, like, inside, like,
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: watching sports, and he's, like, peering out at me, like,
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: looking all mean. And then I come inside, and he's like,
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: who was that? I was like, my friend. I might
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: have said my ex, just to piss him off. I
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: don't know. And he's like, so why can you talk
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: to him like that, but you can't talk to me
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: like that? And I was like, well, you're kind of
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: a fucking asshole. I don't know what to tell you. Like,
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: everything I say, you're, like, having a problem with it. Like,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: this guy, he's just giggling along. He's just giggling along.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: He's letting me cook, first of all. And second of all...
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: He thinks it's pretty cool what I'm doing here. And you're, like...
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: You're just, like, scrutinizing me. And, yeah, so, I don't know.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I just remember... There was some moment where he got
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: really upset and he was like, I can't do this
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: if you're not going to communicate with me. And he's like,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: he's like laying down the law, right? He's like, you
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: have to communicate. This is the worst possible environment for
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: like cultivating communication is like telling someone that they need
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: to communicate. Because now, now it's a chore. Straight up,
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: it's a chore that you've just given me is I
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: have to communicate with And it's like, the thing is,
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: is I had been communicating. It's not like I had
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: never communicated. It was like I had been communicating, and
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: then I realized, like, I'm not getting the response I wanted.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: And I'm hurt. Like, I'm actively hurt, and I'm just, like,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: replaying everything. Every, like, perceived criticism, I'm just, like, replaying it.
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: And I'm just, like, feeling, like, every single thought. That's
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: the other thing, is it felt like every single thought
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: that occurred in my brain was stupid, right? stupid and
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: worthless and that I just shouldn't even you know I
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: think he shamed my like nostalgia and memory you know
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: and he was like you just gotta like focus on
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: the present and it was hard for me to hear
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: this because it's like, yeah, like, I studied this. I
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: actually studied, like, presence and, like, the philosophy and the
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: ethics of presence, like, quite extensively. And so... I'm just like,
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: who are you? Who are you to be saying this?
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: And I think he might just be, like, a literal...
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: I really have a hard time with somebody who's... Like,
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: going forward, I genuinely think if someone's like, honesty is
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: the most important thing to me, that's a red flag.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: That's straight up a red flag. Because the truth is
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: just simply not that simple. It's just really not. Like,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: honesty is the most important thing. Okay... That's so fucking boring.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: And it's like, okay, so now you're going to generate
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: your own, like, completely subjective definition of honesty. That's what
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: you're going to do. And then you're going to, like,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: go around telling people they're not honest enough. You're going to, like, tell, like,
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: because I feel like this is something I've received. This
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: is a message I've received a lot is, like, that
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: my silence is dishonest. and that there's something inside of
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: me that I want to share, and that I'm not
• 11:20
  Speaker 1: sharing it, and so I'm being dishonest. And maybe sometimes
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: that is true, and I see how this is definitely
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: a pattern that exists in my family. And this is
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: not fair, and you don't get to decide that. You really, really...
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: These people, I low-key, I think I hate them. I
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: think I hate them. And not that I want to
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: do harm to them, but I think I hate them,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: and I think they make me actually very ill. I
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: think I prefer a sleazy politician to this kind of person.
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: Because this is worse than a politician. Straight up. Like, yeah,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: because I just had two. I had two of these
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: people who it's like, honesty is their number one value.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: And it's like, this is, this is sus. This is
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: really sus to me that you think you even know
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: what honesty is. And one of my favorite quotes of
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: all time is, a fool speaks because he has to
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: say something. A wise man speaks because he has something
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: to say. And these are the kinds of motherfuckers that
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: are just going around just saying everything that's like on
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: their mind. Like fucking idiots. Like fucking actual idiots. And
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: at this point, you know, I can, I think I
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: can finally say that like, I don't, I feel like
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: my brain was like, sieged by these fucking people. And unfortunately,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I told Luca, I told my partner everything. My ex,
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: I told my ex everything. And unfortunately, I don't know
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: what came over him, but he decided to use it
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: all against me. He was like, oh, you said it
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: hurt when they said this? What if I said it?
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: Why are you trying to hurt me? What? And maybe
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: he was just trying to make me tough? I don't know.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: But it's like, it's like, I finally got the courage
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: to get rid of these two people that are just
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: like plaguing me. They're just like literally spinning me in
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: circles and like shaking me up. I finally was like,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done trying to make this make sense.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: And then my partner was like, let me, let me.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Let me do what they were doing. So I don't
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: know what that means. And I don't know. I don't
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: know why. I don't know why. And I honestly told myself.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: I was like this. This is karma. I was genuinely convinced.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I was like he's being possessed. By the unholy spirits
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: right now. Because it was like. He was like a
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: different person. I just remember the look in his eye.
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: And it was like, this is not, this is, I
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: don't know this guy. Straight up. I don't even know
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: this guy. And he's saying stuff that isn't stuff that
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: he would say. And it's like, word for word, what
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: they used to say. And then I just felt stupid for, like,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: informing him. You know? I was like, why did I
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: tell him that this hurt me? Because now he's just
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: hurting me. And it's like, yeah, I wish I could
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: just not be hurt by it. That would be really sick.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: And I also think feeling hurt and feeling scared are
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: pretty essential emotions. And this is a big reason why
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: I'm hesitant to get on any kind of medication that's
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: going to block my receptivity. Because I don't want to
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: find myself like, lethargically trapped in a negative situation and like,
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: kind of oblivious to the fact that it's negative. I
• 15:52
  Speaker 1: don't know if that's what it does, but... But then
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: I'm also like, shit, I've had all the hurt and
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: all the fear and I still have found myself trapped, so...
• 16:02
  Speaker 1: I don't know, I'm coming around. I'm coming around. Maybe... Maybe, honestly...
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't know what the doctor's gonna say.
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: I have to speak to a doctor. And it's like,
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: I don't even know which part to focus on, if
• 16:20
  Speaker 1: I'm honest. Like, insomnia? I mean, my insomnia is pretty
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: good when I'm on the road. Or, I mean, it's not, like,
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: I'm sleeping pretty good. But will I be able to
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: sleep when I'm back home? I think once we get, like,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: the house situated and, like, reorganized, then maybe... Maybe. I
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: fucking hope. I think so. I think there's just so
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: much I need to do around the house. It's probably
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: not helping my situation with the sleep. But anyways, I
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: just had to get that off my chest, this whole... Oh,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: I didn't even talk about it. I didn't even talk
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: about the main thing. Because I find a lot of meaning.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: I find a lot of meaning and sentimentality. I have
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: a very emotional experience of the world. It's kind of
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: overwhelming a lot of the time. He was like, not
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: everything's about you. And another thing he said, he was like,
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: not every side is interpretable by you. Or something like that.
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: And it just felt like... I mean, the only takeaway
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: I can really have is, like, I think men and
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: women might experience the world differently. And I think it's
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: sort of just, like, the default to probably just accept
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: the man's whatever, however they're experiencing it, which is probably, like,
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know, less emotional and less sentimental and just
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: very like straightforward and like factual and just cold hard facts.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: You know? There's just... There's so much synchronicity. There's so
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: much synchronicity. I've never had synchronicity like this. And honestly,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: I don't even think I could define synchronicity. I know
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I do at a time. It's just like when you
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: see things repeated. I would say like... Most things I see...
• 19:20
  Speaker 1: It's almost like three times. It's like I kind of
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: get like a little teaser warning. It's like, oh, this
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: is going to happen in a big way. It might
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: just be a word. Sometimes it's just a word that like,
• 19:35
  Speaker 1: and I'll see it in one context that's like different.
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: And then I'll see it in a more powerful context
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: where it like usually really makes me laugh or it
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: really makes me cry. Like it makes me feel a lot.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: But it's like I got a sort of warning in
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: a different context. of the word or place or name
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: or whatever color even and then and then there'll be
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: like a kind of like a run back or like
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: a playback and it'll usually be like three separate days
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: like in a row And so it's like I kind
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: of get to like... I don't know. I don't know.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: I know that sounds crazy. But, I mean... I don't know.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: I got really into Carl Jung. For no reason at all.
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: I was supposed to... I was literally... This is how
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I got into Carl Jung. I was supposed to be
• 20:39
  Speaker 1: reading Freud. I was literally supposed to be reading Freud
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: for my class, and I just was like, uh, I can't.
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: And so I was, like, kind of doing, like, I
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: was branching off from Freud, and I was finding, like,
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: Carl Jung. And then I went deep down the Carl
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: Jung rabbit hole, dude. It's like, I'm supposed to be
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: talking about Freud in this essay, but it's like, I'm
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: locked into Carl Jung. And ultimately, I think I tried
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: to write probably a couple pages about Carl Jung into
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: this Freud essay. And I'm pretty sure they were like,
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: you gotta delete all this, girl. And I was like, shit,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: you're right. Shit. They were like, we are not talking
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: about Carl Jung at all, girl. This is so irrelevant
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: to the class. And I was like, fuck. All right.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: Fair enough. And maybe I shouldn't have looked into it.
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: Maybe I opened, like, a portal that cannot be closed.
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: It's like fucking Cat in the Hat. Except they closed
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: the portal. They literally cleaned it up and they closed
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: the portal. And I'm gonna clean up and close the
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: portal very soon, okay? Alright. That's all. Bye.