Latest / The Danger Zoo / Nails In the Coffin / White Coffin Rescue

Transcript

Nails In the Coffin / White Coffin Rescue · The Danger Zoo

0:03
Password accepted. Welcome to the Danger Zoo.
0:08
Welcome to the Department of Anomalous and Non human Genetic
0:11
Entities, Reconnaissance and Zoological Occult Operations.
0:14
I am Coyote the game warden, and I'm here with the boys.
0:17
So what happened? What was the last thing you guys
0:19
remember happening? We had hench men and goon show
0:25
up and we turn to face them in horny combat.
0:34
Huh. Wait a minute.
0:37
I mean, it wasn't, it wasn't far off, was it?
0:39
What? He did suggest a freak off.
0:44
That wasn't me. I I think that was baby bird
0:46
that suggested that. Did I?
0:49
I can't tell you for sure if I did or didn't.
0:53
You did not, but baby bird went to set off 2 grenades on goon
0:58
and hench men. Oh yeah, that was so bad ass
1:00
dude. It was slow motion.
1:04
It was slow motion until. You know, like those TikTok
1:06
videos with the girls and the big butts.
1:08
Slow motion. No, I got men all over my TikTok
1:11
feed. As long as it recoils.
1:17
At no point did I hit a doubt button in that conversation.
1:22
Anyways, the first grenade detonates.
1:25
A white sun erupts in the spider den.
1:27
Sound becomes a physical object. It's a flash bang, and it cracks
1:31
the air apart with a violent bang that ricochets off the
1:34
stone and bone, slamming into eardrums and rattling teeth.
1:38
Visions erased after images burn themselves into our retinas, and
1:43
for a heartbeat, the entire cave exists only as a screaming
1:47
light. Ringing replaces the thought.
1:50
Then the second canister hits the ground and does not explode.
1:53
It rolls, and it starts to hiss. A thin, whispering release of
1:59
gas seeps out, low and deliberate, crawling across the
2:02
floor like something alive. It coils around ankles, climbs
2:05
legs, seeps into armor gaps and open collars.
2:09
The smell is faintly sweet, chemically wrong, and the flash
2:13
fades. Someone has swapped out baby
2:16
birds grenades. For an aphrodisiac.
2:20
Exactly. Shape stagger back into
2:23
existence, people sway, hands fumble for balance that no
2:25
longer exists. The world's tilt at the wrong
2:28
angle so night owl hits the floor harder than my panties on
2:32
prom night Just. Yeah, he always had a weak
2:35
constitution. He reaches for the wall, misses
2:39
and collapses. You weren't wearing panties.
2:42
You damn right you think I'm going to get slowed down.
2:46
You were ready. I'm with it.
2:48
I was lubed up to begin with. Yeah, who do you think lubed
2:51
them up? Anybody following me on the
2:53
dance floor thought I was a fucking slug.
2:55
I was just making lines all over the place.
2:59
Anyways, this is gross and off the bat.
3:02
Everyone make a saving rule. Mission start.
3:07
I'm still going to roll for you guys.
3:08
You're going to add your constitution first.
3:10
We're going to go thawty here. With my con that is a 19 or no.
3:19
80 nice baby bird you're going to roll with disadvantage
3:22
because you were on top of the canisters so there's. 7.
3:29
OK, or or or. Yeah, I'll go with YEAH, 12.
3:34
No, we're going. 12 It's disadvantaged.
3:36
Sugar, now we're going with the 12.
3:37
Lower 1 you. Pick the lower one, no.
3:42
Baby bird is unconscious. Fall on the ground.
3:45
Baby Bird. That was a win, getting knocked
3:50
out of me. I'm glad you pointed that out,
3:54
baby bird. My ass is in the air, my face is
3:57
down. All right, Hazy, you're up.
4:02
All right, I got a 17. You're pretty good.
4:08
Oh. Whoa.
4:11
Whoa. I was supposed to be
4:12
unconscious. I wasn't supposed to roll for
4:14
myself, but I guess I'm fine. Actually, no.
4:18
I fall to the ground. Wow, a Nat one.
4:22
I got a Nat 20. You'll see.
4:24
I fall to the ground. I just hit that thing like my
4:27
big noggin hit. And then you even heard two
4:29
extra flaps. My big ears just smack in the
4:31
ground. That's how hard I fell.
4:33
You do got big ears. I do got some big ears.
4:35
My wife likes to call them their handlebars.
4:38
Crazy dude, that's some crazy shit.
4:44
Anyways, the undead seemed to not be fazed by any of this.
4:49
From the edges of the den, the darkness moves, thoughty hazy.
4:53
You guys are up, but you guys are disoriented at the moment.
4:57
Baby bird, you're out. I'm out.
5:02
Jesus. Boots crunch softly as figures
5:05
step out of the shadows. Perfectly timed for the moment,
5:09
another henchman appears as well as a pale, faceless figure, it's
5:13
stone smooth body cracked like weathered marble.
5:15
Long, clawed fingers curl over the edge as it tilts its head,
5:18
studying the room without eyes, no longer bothering to pretend
5:22
to be human. Can I?
5:26
I'm going to fall on the floor and pretend like I was also
5:31
knocked out by the ass. All right, let's do a perception
5:35
roll. Baby, baby.
5:40
Yeah. You're ruining my players,
5:43
thought he and I are asleep on the ground.
5:46
Thought he actually falls. He he falls a little faker than
5:50
me. He he definitely like if there
5:52
was a chair there. With a Nat 20, a little faker.
5:56
He falls right into your ass cheeks.
5:58
Yeah, I fall face first in your fucking crotch.
6:02
He's like a southern belle with a feigning chair, except the
6:05
feigning chair is my ass cheeks. You're just like Oh my good
6:07
heavens. And you just face first into me.
6:11
Lips first. Good for you, I guess.
6:16
All right. Another henchman pops up, called
6:19
New Guy. The last figure steps out of the
6:22
shadows, moving with calm authority that needs no
6:24
introduction. The other.
6:26
The others suddenly fallen behind him, weapons lowering
6:30
just enough to mark him as the one in charge.
6:33
He lowers his weapon, surveying the chaos with professional,
6:36
calm, eyes briefly flickering to Baby Bird, then to Coyote, and
6:41
back to Hazy, the one who shot him in the neck earlier.
6:45
A faint curl of satisfaction touches his mouth.
6:48
Flashing gas, He says. Classic mistake.
6:53
That's what A and so my uncle used to play with me when I was
6:57
a kid. Terrible.
7:00
Did you call him the One inch, Sarge?
7:03
No. Weren't you the uncle?
7:06
Older what? No, earlier you said the one
7:09
inch Sarge. The one in charge.
7:15
I was like, man, that's a weird name.
7:17
Honest mistake. All right, so this guy, he walks
7:21
over to Night Owl without urgency, already knowing what
7:25
he'll find. He retrieves the coffin nail in
7:28
night owls backpack. He looks over at Hazy and he
7:31
says I already had the other one producing a second nail from his
7:36
pocket. I knew leaving this nail with
7:38
this boy would lead me to the coffin.
7:41
So he walks over to the coffin, both nails in hand.
7:45
The zombies don't see him as a threat.
7:47
He just walks by them slowly and he drops both nails in and you
7:55
hear guttural, guttural. You hear guttural sounds coming
7:59
from the South and from the north, from the South.
8:02
What you hear is. Oh.
8:09
And from the north, you just hear a guttural echoing howl
8:19
rolls through the tunnels as the alpha, not deer, forces its way
8:22
into the chamber, barely fitting into this wide cavern, antler
8:26
scraping the stone, body bending where bodies shouldn't, and its
8:30
eyes snap to the coffin instantly.
8:32
That literally sounds like like smut.
8:36
Like something that a white girl would read with a minotaur on
8:40
the cover. Fabio's hair blowing in the
8:43
wind. Get out of my Kindle.
8:48
Anyways, the white thing emerges from the South den, creeping
8:53
along the rocks. All right, Every creature has
8:58
arrived for a different reason. None of them allies, all of them
9:02
willing to, all of them willing to strike each other.
9:06
There's quite a bit going on here, gentlemen.
9:09
I already rolled initiative for these guys.
9:11
Are you guys ready for a fight? No, I'm asleep, remember?
9:16
I'm face down, ass up. That's the way I like the hook.
9:20
Waiting to wake up. No, baby bird, you're up.
9:24
Oh, myself, face down, ass up. Oh no, wait, you are down.
9:29
That's right. You.
9:31
Oh well, let's put you down. Put your face down, butt up.
9:34
There you go. That's not good.
9:38
Let's see, first person is going to go is the blue zombie.
9:41
Now that the nails are both in there, he is going to take a
9:43
swing at Fox here. Oh, and he hits him.
9:50
He connects Sir five points of damage to Fox, this zombie with
9:56
no arms and no axe because Hazy fucking took it from him.
10:02
He's going to bite this guy for five points of damage just sunk
10:05
into his shoulders. Straight head, butt with teeth.
10:09
Yeah, so now Fox is this guy's name.
10:14
You guys don't know that. Don't metagame forget this one,
10:17
I tell you. He's currently bitten by a
10:20
zombie, and to be fair I got called out in the comments
10:24
section of one of our videos. These aren't zombies that are
10:26
undead. They're not trying to eat us.
10:29
So technically not zombies. Bunch of rules.
10:33
Oh no, you know what? No, that makes sense.
10:36
That makes sense. Ham nerds.
10:39
You know. Fuck the rules.
10:43
If I see that big ass alpha not deer behind me I'm going to be
10:47
like fuck pull out my guns and start shooting.
10:51
Have a blast at that deer. That not deer.
10:57
What do I add to that? Oh dear.
11:01
Your decks. Decks.
11:03
Oh yeah, so that's a nice little 21. 21 it hits the knot deer.
11:10
What's your damage for that one? 5.
11:14
Oh, damn, you shoot the not deer in one of its legs, crippling it
11:19
a little bit. It's going to walk a little bit
11:22
slower, taking five points of damage.
11:26
That's pretty good. That's that's that's pretty
11:28
good. Let's see who's next.
11:30
The alpha not deer is next, and it's going to it's going to go
11:33
after you hazy. No.
11:37
Oh, it misses it. This cave is big, but this thing
11:43
is so massive it tries taking a swing at you and it actually
11:46
gets its antlers stuck on a Stalag tight because they're up
11:51
top. Educate yourself people.
11:53
Not a stalagmite. No.
11:55
Are you sure? Stalagmites on the bottom?
11:57
Yes. I'm positive I've seen the magic
12:01
school bus. Damn it.
12:03
But you could be misremembering. I'm fucking not, all right?
12:07
It's goon's turn. He's just going to get up
12:09
because he was down. The next person to go is the new
12:12
guy. He's going to take a slap at
12:15
Sammy who's on the ground. Good Lord damn Goon just kicks
12:20
this 8 year old child that is already laying on the ground.
12:24
Good. Doing four points of damage,
12:29
yeah. Fuck that kid.
12:33
Oh Sammy is trying to pretend like he was unconscious.
12:35
Didn't work out for him. Fucking loser.
12:39
All right, next is the doppelganger imposter.
12:43
He's going to come over to Doddy and take a swing at Doddy.
12:46
Doppelgangar night out. Yes, Gungear, there's an 11 hit.
12:54
And no Sir, no Sir. All right, he goes a step on
12:58
you, on your unconscious body, and you just happen to move out
13:01
of the way a little bit. And he doesn't notice.
13:05
Oh, he notices. He's just staring at you now.
13:08
He could even see like your one eye open a little bit.
13:12
Can you see me smiling because my face is in your crotch?
13:17
No, he can't. He's just thinking that's a good
13:20
way to get pink eye. He's.
13:22
Just steady sniffing as hard as he can.
13:26
Well, since you made me pass out on my face, so you can put your
13:31
face in my butt, my gun is actually between my legs, right
13:34
up against your head, and your hair is hiding it for me.
13:37
So I'm going to fire it. I'm going to fire at this guy
13:39
with advantage. You sneaky snake.
13:44
Dude I don't even need it, I blast this bitch 44 points of
13:49
damage, he takes it and does not even flinch.
13:54
I don't like that. I don't think anyone liked that
14:00
very much. So is our cover blown now?
14:03
For sure. Damn.
14:06
Oh man I'm looking at how much HP this dude has is not good.
14:12
I was going to say like, were we supposed to fight these fucking
14:14
things like one-on-one or and we just got screwed and fought them
14:18
all at once or what? I think we're supposed to lose.
14:23
Oh, even better. All right, so this not deer is
14:27
going to take a swinging hazy from missing it actually just
14:33
gets caught up with the alpha naughty deer and they're just
14:35
kind of stuck together. You've kind of Spartan them into
14:38
this small little hole there. Hey, good job AM.
14:43
I able to do a surprise attack. You sure can.
14:46
Andy's going to be flat footed. Well, no, you would have if you
14:49
hadn't dodged him earlier. I didn't dodge, he just missed.
14:54
OK, OK, well we'll say he doesn't notice.
14:56
He just thought you were just trying to get a better angle of
14:59
sniffing my ball sack. You want to surprise attack him
15:04
so he's going to be flat footed, Yeah.
15:06
With it with an uppercut. It puts a + 2 on there plus
15:12
whatever your melee is. 16. OK, OK, yeah, You go to uppercut
15:20
him and you just hit his chin and nothing happens to him.
15:25
Your fist is a little bruised. Impossible.
15:30
Let's see who else. Madison's going to take a swing
15:32
at Fox now. Oh, she misses.
15:37
And henchman #7's going to get up.
15:40
He's up. And Adam night owls out.
15:44
The white thing is going to come rushing in.
15:46
He's going to take on one of these goons.
15:48
Which who do you want him to take out, the henchman or the
15:50
goon? The goon.
15:54
Go goon. Oh geez, wheeze.
15:56
Oh no, he just like, rips the gun.
15:59
The white thing comes rushing in and he'd take a swipe at Goon
16:02
and just his head lands right on Toddy's butt cheeks.
16:08
Oh no, the. Human centipede at us with a
16:12
severed head. Well, that guy is going to go
16:17
lay back down without a head. Oh, Fox is next.
16:21
He's going to take a swing at the blue zombie and he misses,
16:26
so he fires and he hits the Alfa deer instead of the blue zombie,
16:30
causing 4 points of damage. There's no bad, There's no bad.
16:36
You guys are doing a lot of work to this Alfa deer and nobody's
16:39
really attacking it. Well, that's fox, baby Bird.
16:45
Do I wake up? Give me a second to find out.
16:49
OK, no, I I was a three. I think I might still be asleep.
16:56
No, I'm good. I'm just going to take more of a
16:59
nap. That's.
17:00
Probably good because that white thing is like right there.
17:02
If you were like a threat to him, you might end up headless
17:05
as well. That ass if I woke up I would
17:08
have just called my eyes. All right, the Blue Zombie takes
17:12
a swing at Fox. Nothing happens.
17:14
Hazy, what are you doing? Can I go kick Sammy too?
17:18
You certainly can go kick Sammy. Fuck yeah, 13.
17:23
For the same thing. You kick Sammy, you kick him for
17:26
this much damage. Six baby.
17:29
Fuck yeah. Wow.
17:31
Damn. Good Lord, same.
17:33
Ow. I don't feel so good Mr. Stark.
17:39
And he just hits the ground. His breathing is very shallow at
17:43
this point. I feel suddenly better.
17:46
I should gain health from that. Dude, you don't.
17:52
You don't. Alpha deer is going to go hey
17:57
AC, what's your AC? About 19.
18:02
Oh, this not the alpha knot deer finally hits you and he lands
18:10
bucket eight points of damage on you.
18:11
I was. Distracted by.
18:14
The kick. God damn, is that AD 12?
18:17
Yeah, it's AD 12. You take eight points of damage.
18:20
She actually has an antler stuck into your side, bypassing your
18:24
armor. Oh sure, that's eight, which
18:28
leads you down quite a bit. Yeah, for sure 7.
18:34
That's not good, Goon. Goon's dead, so he's not going
18:39
to do anything. Let me go ahead and just get rid
18:41
of his stats. Sad day for Goon, everybody.
18:45
New guy's going to take a new guy's, He thinks.
18:49
It's funny enough. He thinks Sammy might be on his
18:51
team now. Hazy was kicking him, so he's
18:53
going to leave Sammy alone and new guy's going to come running
18:57
over here. He's going to try taking on one
18:59
of the knot deers. They're the only knot deer.
19:01
Oh, he misses. He fires.
19:04
It's dark. That knot deer is blending into
19:06
its surroundings. Should be good for trying to run
19:09
and shoot at the same time in the dark.
19:11
What an idiot. Yeah, he's kind of dumb.
19:14
All right, so the doppelganger is going to strike Saudi and
19:17
he's going to land a hit Saudi. Is that a shock and awe
19:21
response? Yeah, yeah.
19:27
All right, give us damage. We got 3.
19:31
Three points of damage to the doppelganger?
19:33
Well, at least you did something.
19:34
And he's stunned. Don't forget that he's stunned,
19:36
too. And he's stunned.
19:37
Oh, wait, no, he's got to do a roll.
19:40
A flat roll. Now he's stunned with a three,
19:43
so he goes a step on you, but before his foot makes contact,
19:47
that static electricity just shocks him.
19:51
And now he's stunned. How much damage did he take?
19:56
Trace. Trace.
19:59
Oh good, he's down to 105 HB. Oh wow.
20:05
Hey I'm I'm at 7. That's pretty close.
20:14
Does not, does not. I'm not going to fire at this
20:17
thing anymore. I'm going to fire at Fox, see if
20:20
I can hit him. I can't.
20:21
And I hit Madison for four points of damage, but I just
20:26
shoot her in the back. She's also down quite a bit as
20:30
well, but. Guys, I have a plan.
20:34
Will you tell them the plan while I roll for not deer?
20:36
Not Deer hits new guy. When we get up, we all.
20:40
Run away, damage a new guy. That's a good plan.
20:44
I like that plan. New guys down to 4.
20:47
OK, Do you guys hear my plan? I heard the plan.
20:53
I'm kind of down with said plan. OK, well here's what we're going
20:57
to do. I'm going to turn and run and
21:00
grab Baby Bird's unconscious body.
21:02
I'm not even given the opportunity to do a saving.
21:05
I'm just going to. I'm just going to grab him by
21:08
the wrist and drag him into the darkness to the South.
21:12
Oh, OK, you're going to hit your flashlight off.
21:17
No, no I'm not. You were pondering, all right,
21:20
all right, You're you're not going to turn the flashlight
21:22
off. You're just going to run into
21:23
the dark. I don't want to trip mom.
21:25
Mom always said that. Don't run in the dark.
21:28
Have you communicated this via the radio to everybody?
21:32
Well, everybody Roger out about the plan, so I'm hoping when
21:34
they see me take off to the South with Baby Bird, they'll
21:38
understand what direction I was talking.
21:41
They'll be leaving Sammy. Fuck Sammy.
21:45
I forgot about Sammy. All right, I guess I'll go get
21:48
Sammy. Well get let Hazy get him.
21:50
Hey, Hazy's right there. Man, I was going to, I was going
21:54
to kick him on the way out. I was going to kick him on the
21:56
way out. Grab him on the way out.
21:58
Aw, fuck. All right, fuck it.
22:02
Yeah, you're up there. Thought of you and I will both
22:04
grab baby Bird. Actually, we we need to get
22:07
night out. Oh, OK, I'll get Night out.
22:09
You get baby bird. OK.
22:11
Is that what you're rolling for right now?
22:13
Yes. Stealth escape.
22:16
Let's roll. I would.
22:16
I would. Already call it stealth.
22:18
I would call it a fucking. What's the word I'm looking for?
22:22
Desperate retreat. Desperate retreat.
22:26
What? What would that be under?
22:28
Would that be constitution? Constitution.
22:31
OK, all right, let's see. What's my constitution?
22:36
I'm at a zero. That sounds good.
22:38
Oh damn. Well, there you go, thought he.
22:41
Should have been a better character, buddy.
22:43
Oh no, Oh no, that's a no bueno. So what do I just like turn
22:49
around and take off and run and fall flat on my face?
22:53
You do fall flat on your face and you take 4 points of damage.
22:57
Oh, I I hate you. It's not my fault that was your
23:01
plan. They're your die.
23:03
That's true. This is my dice.
23:05
OK, well, Madison's turn. She's going to keep taking a
23:08
shot at Fox. It's Fox 4.
23:13
Three points of damage. That's not bad.
23:16
Stick to the plan, boys. Don't forget the plan.
23:19
Stick to the plan. All right, so that hench men,
23:23
hench men saw Goon die, and Goon was actually his partner.
23:27
And he's like Goon. Yeah.
23:30
And he's going to try and take on the white thing.
23:33
Oh, and he shoots the white thing right in the back, causing
23:38
it a good old one. Point of damage.
23:43
A mosquito bite. Wow, a glancing blow.
23:48
Now the white thing is distracted.
23:52
For our retreat, which helps our retreat.
23:54
Which is going to help the retreat.
23:55
All right, That plan's falling together.
23:59
Me falling flat on my face is part of the play.
24:02
I felt this way. Just distract everyone.
24:05
All right? Oh, it's the white thing's turn.
24:08
It's going to take a swing at hench men.
24:10
Oh, good gravy. What is he hit him with?
24:14
Oh, oh, white thing. He's pretty thrown off by the
24:17
shot. He swings at him and he takes 4
24:20
points of damage to hench men. OK, I summoned the inner
24:29
thoughts of my brain. How is making money going to
24:34
help us out of the situation? Trust, trust and I pray to the
24:41
God of Dosh and I. Roll Moloch.
24:46
Of 15. You're up, baby.
24:50
Yahweh. Thank you.
24:52
Yeah, now I don't need to carry you.
24:53
We still. Got to carry Nido.
24:57
That's fine. I open one eye and I see I'm
25:01
being carried. You're not being, you're not
25:04
being carried. Damn it, you're.
25:06
On the ground. Oh wait, no, he tried to grab
25:09
me, but he fell. Yes.
25:12
OK, I get up and I pull my pants back up over my cheeks.
25:15
What? Why were you?
25:17
Why do your pants fall down? That's what I'm trying to figure
25:21
out. I've been knocked out.
25:22
When I fell, I reached out and grabbed his his waistband and Oh
25:27
my God, all right. Please zombies taking a swing,
25:31
he misses. All right, I guess I'm going to
25:35
grab this fucking kid by the hair and shoot my grappling hook
25:39
in the the ceiling and swing towards you all.
25:44
OK. I should get +4 for stealing
25:47
Sammy and climbing. You got it +4.
25:51
God damn it, fucking 9 still. You.
25:56
You. Boy, I I can add something
25:59
right, like athletic or I'm not athletic at all.
26:03
Dexterity. It was an acrobatic thing.
26:05
What what? What's your Dex?
26:07
Oh, Dex is a four. OK, so that would be you what, a
26:10
13? Yeah, by the skin of your teeth,
26:14
you shoot this thing you were actually going to fall, but it
26:17
hooked on to a stalactite and kept you upright where you
26:21
snatched Sammy and then like now, you're.
26:24
Snatching. Sammy by the hair nice.
26:28
You're dragging it by the hair. You make it down belt.
26:31
Let's say you make it to like right where I am.
26:33
So that's 15 feet S carrying Sammy, but you're also dragging
26:38
your grappling hooks. You weren't able to roll it up
26:44
all righty. So the Alfa deer is going to go
26:46
after the zombie over here. Oh, it's it's just stuck.
26:50
It can't move anywhere. This cave is too big.
26:53
I shouldn't have brought the alpha deer in here.
26:54
That's my mistake. I'm a bad game warden.
26:57
That's my bad. Yeah, I know.
26:59
New guy's going to take a swing. He's just shooting at the dark.
27:03
He can't even see the fucking deer anymore.
27:06
Now it's the impostor's turn. Oh no, he's going to take a
27:10
swing at me. He knows I'm awake.
27:13
Oh, he misses. He fires and just hits the
27:15
ground next to me and it ricochets a hit.
27:17
Sammy 4 Two points of damage. Hell yeah.
27:21
Poor Sam. And we all laugh a little.
27:25
Bit everybody in The Cave. Even the even the not deers are
27:30
all right. Well Sammy's about to die
27:37
everyone, so please stop kicking the 8 year old.
27:40
He is not 8. He was 8.
27:44
Technically he's 20. Something Madison swings at Fox
27:47
and nails him for four points of damage.
27:52
Jesus Fox is going to go down. Fox is going down on Madison.
27:56
I like how Sammy doesn't have a turn either.
27:58
He's just like taking all this. Yeah, or Madison's taking on
28:02
Fox. Crazy.
28:05
Sorry, I'm trying to do the math.
28:07
There's so many people on this board.
28:08
Don't ever let me do this again. This is way too many fucking
28:11
people to be putting in a fucking fight together.
28:13
This is stupid. You act like we have any say
28:16
over what you do. Yeah, for real.
28:18
Next time you see me add like a whole bunch of pieces, just go
28:21
no, no Sir. I think I see a cave in in the
28:24
future. Yeah, start, start deleting.
28:27
All right, guys. So I'm going to get back up and
28:31
grab Night Out and run into the darkness to the South 8.
28:39
So you trip overnight out, you don't grab him, and you fall on
28:43
the other side of him. Why do I keep falling?
28:47
I don't know, I do not know. I must have so much adrenaline
28:51
in my blood right now from having my nose in your crotch
28:55
is. That what it is.
28:57
Yeah, my body's like, visibly vibrating.
29:01
Euphoric adrenaline. Yeah, and she's going to take
29:05
another swing at what thing? And he misses.
29:11
He barely, barely misses shooting thoughty.
29:15
I turn around. I see the commotion.
29:18
Flashing lights, flashlights going crazy.
29:21
I see a glimpse of antlers touching the stalactites.
29:30
Yeah, education. I think there's way too much
29:33
going on over there. So what do I do?
29:37
I load up my thumper. Fuck yeah.
29:43
Fuck yeah. And I.
29:45
Shoot. Oh fuck yeah.
29:47
I shoot at the ceiling with an explosive grenade.
29:52
Not the stalactites. Those took thousands of years to
29:55
form. Mother Guy is going to be mad at
29:58
this one. A5.
30:03
You fire, but you fire a little too high.
30:05
Right on. Top of yourself.
30:09
A piece of stalagmite falls and hits Sammy for four points of
30:16
damage. Sammy's dead Jesus.
30:18
Christ hazy, drop that body. Oh my God.
30:25
You killed Sammy, you son of a bitch.
30:29
Nature killed Sammy. This is a this is technically a
30:34
trophy now I'm going to take it with me.
30:37
We can resurrect Sammy Who? Saw me misses.
30:44
I'm going to slap them on the forehead one more time and then
30:47
drop them and then I guess just take off towards not him.
30:55
Baby bursts. You know, that seems like where
30:58
all the action is. OK, give me a medicine check for
31:03
slapping Sammy. If you roll high enough, you
31:08
might resurrect. What what?
31:10
What's medicine? What's medicine?
31:11
Oh, what's that? Oh, I said, is he OK?
31:13
So a three? Damn, that sucks.
31:18
Poor Sammy. You slaps, you slaps Sammy, and
31:22
this little body just kind of drags on the ground and you're
31:25
like, yeah, this one's run out. There'll be another one waiting
31:31
for us at the bunker. Oh my God, that poor child.
31:35
Oh, no. All right, so.
31:38
So I run a little bit. Right.
31:40
Yeah, yeah, you run. That wasn't my whole fucking
31:42
action, was it? You, you, you run past my body
31:45
just a little bit and that's it. You're you're right in front of
31:49
Night Owl and them whose turn is on the initiative.
31:54
Alpha Naughty. Let's see if he can get loose.
31:56
He can't. He's stuck.
31:58
What a stupid ass, dear. I'm so angry.
32:00
I brought him in here. The new guy hits the knot deer,
32:04
though. 44 points of damage. He's getting that knot deer.
32:10
Didn't he hit the knot deer earlier?
32:12
Yeah, or no? I think this is the first time
32:13
he hit it. No, I think he hit him earlier.
32:16
Did he how? How much did he get him for
32:18
earlier? I didn't track it right.
32:20
I don't fucking know. We'll save 4 points.
32:22
So it's down 12. All right, the imposters going
32:26
to go. It's looking at Sammy, actually,
32:31
the imposter stops and it walks over and it picks the body of
32:33
Sammy up and. Fucking hates it.
32:41
Well, he picks up Sammy and he's off into the night with the body
32:45
of the kid we saved. Was that doppelganger actually
32:48
Jeffrey Epstein? Creepy.
32:51
Oh, no, I wish I had thought of that before I did what I just
32:55
did with him. Doppelgangers in the files.
33:00
Fuck. All right, well, it's my turn,
33:04
and now that he's not here, I'm just going to get up and fucking
33:06
book it. I'm.
33:07
I'm leaving with you guys. I guess I'll come help pick up
33:10
Night Owl. Fuck.
33:14
Night Owl is real heavy. And I pull a muscle and I hurt
33:16
my back again. Oh, my sciatica.
33:23
OK, that not deer is going to keep fucking up the new guy.
33:28
And it misses too. Yeah, I'm going to get up and
33:34
grab Night Owl and run into the night finally.
33:39
You pick up Night Owl. Actually, all of us help you
33:42
pick up Night Out and we just book it South.
33:48
Everybody grab a limb. OK, we are officially away from
33:53
the battle and we hear some up north of us.
33:58
Oh wow, that kid is being eaten. Holy crap.
34:02
No, he's just gone. No.
34:08
That was FC. Jesus.
34:12
All right, well, we got to figure out who the winner of
34:15
that fight is real quick. We're going to time more puts
34:17
into the future because we're all just sitting here.
34:19
Everyone except for Hazy. Go ahead and give me a medicine
34:23
rule while you take a smoke break.
34:24
Hazy. You're out of cigarettes.
34:26
Aw, how the fuck am I out of cigarettes?
34:32
Because you smoked. Them.
34:32
Shit, Hun. That's how I stay alive,
34:37
obviously. Yeah, that's why you're out.
34:42
Medicine. That's intelligence, right?
34:48
Wisdom. Wisdom.
34:50
Oh, OK, 15. Oh, that's a six.
34:58
Baby bird, you still haven't got the hang of the smoking thing.
35:00
You keep like breathing in too much and it's like hurting your
35:02
lungs, so you cough out a little bit.
35:06
I'm going to take some poke break.
35:08
Fuck choking the cigarette. I swear if we nail too much in
35:16
my throat, it's hot. Oh God damn it.
35:20
It burns. I take, hold on.
35:23
I take, I take so much damage. I take 5 points of damage.
35:27
I swallowed a cherry. Holy shit, suck the whole
35:32
cigarette in. I I flicked the ash off my
35:38
cigarette and go. Fucking amateurs.
35:41
Fuck you, fuck you, you're a bitch.
35:45
Since y'all are just going to waste all these cigarettes, can
35:47
I have? One anyways, All right,
35:51
gentlemen, we're going to figure out as we're here just trying to
35:53
collect ourselves, we're going to listen to a battle that rages
35:58
insanely. You hear gun firing, you hear
36:00
animals just freaking out. Then you hear nothing.
36:05
It's just silent. What do you guys want to do?
36:10
Bomb a cigarette. We got to go.
36:15
Well, I mean, now that the herd is kind of thinned out, we could
36:19
probably go back, right? You want to go back up there?
36:23
Well, I'm, I'm putting up to a vote with the, with the guys,
36:26
with the boys. Does it seem like the fighting
36:30
has died down or is it still like intense?
36:33
Now would you hear no sound coming from up north of us?
36:37
Oh yeah, we're definitely going to go check this shit out.
36:39
We still got a payday to make. OK, that's 2.
36:43
You always go check the battlefield.
36:45
Let's go. All righty.
36:48
All right, let's go, boys. We're going back up.
36:50
I'll go first. OK, thought, your head's back
36:54
up. You see Goon laying on the
36:56
ground to the left of you. You continue up, hazy.
37:00
You're behind thoughty. Don't I have night vision still
37:02
or no? Did I lose that in dying?
37:04
You lost it. Motherfucker, we're.
37:06
Going to leave Night Owl's body down here, hoping it didn't
37:10
disappear again. Hayes, you're behind thoughty
37:12
baby bird and then me bringing up the rear.
37:15
Thoughty. You come up and you just see
37:16
blood, guts and gore, but all the bloods like coagulated
37:20
except for what's on the henchman.
37:22
You see Madison. Madison's like barely hanging
37:25
on. She's got like one arm and she's
37:27
still just going coughing, but she's not going anywhere.
37:35
She has an arm and her torso and a head and that's it.
37:40
Henchman, bits of him is everywhere.
37:43
The blue Zombie, he's pretty much looks the same.
37:46
He's just on the ground. There's no sign of fox.
37:49
There's no sign of the alpha deer.
37:52
You see a bunch of scrapings along the ceiling that go north
37:55
and you see a dead knot deer and dead new guy.
37:57
New guy looks really intact. It looks like maybe he died from
38:01
fright. Maybe he was a big old pussy
38:03
fest. And then hazy.
38:06
And then you make it up to the coffin 30.
38:09
Yep, Yep. Yep, Yep, Yep.
38:10
And Hazy's there with you. Baby Bird is there with you, and
38:13
I'm there with you. And then from the North, you
38:16
guys here? Four on one baby, we got this.
38:26
Surprise attack on thoughty the white thing comes from the
38:29
north. Just so winging at you.
38:30
Do you guys want to re roll for initiatives?
38:36
You want to stick with those old ones.
38:38
It's up to you. I'd be first.
38:40
I mean we could re roll because we took a short rest so we
38:43
should re roll. You know what?
38:45
You're right, you're right. Let's re roll this shit.
38:48
I just rolled an 18. Damn 19.
38:53
You got a 19. 19 what 19? Damn got acx?
39:00
That's OK, you're in the back 20.
39:04
So does that mean that I can block this incoming incoming
39:07
attack? You absolutely can with the
39:09
fucking Nat 20 on initiative. I know that really is not a
39:12
thing, but I don't give a shit. Yeah, we're it's a rule of cool.
39:16
It is a rule of cool, especially because the white thing's got a
39:19
six. What a fucking nerd.
39:26
Last but not least, baby Bird. Whoa. 15.
39:31
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
39:34
Soddy, that's that attack comes in swinging and you just
39:37
happened to just stick your arm up at the right time and he just
39:40
open hand slaps your fucking arm does nothing to you.
39:44
Actually, he's going to take a shock and all because you took a
39:48
short rest. Oh, you're so fucking right.
39:51
So let's see if he's stunned and he's stunned, what's give me
39:55
some damage? OK, OK, OK, 3.
40:01
Oh, three points of damage is pretty good on.
40:04
Well, I mean, it's only AD 4, so.
40:07
Yeah, well, he's down to, let's see, 3 -, 109 is 106.
40:13
Pretty good, pretty good. And he's stunned.
40:18
And he's stunned, hazy. You're up next.
40:21
Well, I guess I'm going to. I mean, I'm pretty close to him,
40:27
so I'm just going to pull my gun out and shoot him.
40:30
You're a grappling gun or the other gun?
40:32
No, the grappling guns. I'm still reeling that in,
40:34
slowly but surely. So oh, if you're reeling it in
40:37
then oh, so you're just leaving it now?
40:40
You reeled in like we ran away, so you shoot with your real gun.
40:44
9. Yeah, you fire off and just
40:48
completely miss it. You didn't want to hit Saudi, so
40:50
you aimed a little wide. That's not how I roll.
40:55
I'd rather you miss both of us than hit.
40:57
Me. Yeah.
40:59
No shit. All right.
41:00
Do you want to hit? No, that was that wasn't a
41:03
critical fail. That was just regular fail.
41:06
Wait, I think hold on. What is it 10?
41:08
That is a critical fail. You do hit Saudi.
41:11
That is my mistake. Give me a damage roll.
41:13
Hazy. Oh shit.
41:15
I hate it here. I'm sorry.
41:19
Oh man, can I lie? Because it's it's a six.
41:24
It's a six. You hit Saudi right in the
41:27
fucking shoulder for six points of damage. 30 you're down.
41:33
What's your HP now? 20.
41:37
Your HP is not 20. It's not.
41:43
No, it's like. 45. His HP, his Max HP is 26.
41:48
How much did you get earlier? Six.
41:52
Yeah. So you're up to you just lost
41:56
how much damage 4. But you know what?
41:59
You tell me what I'm at. You tell me what I'm at because
42:01
you always hear. You're at 5:00.
42:03
You I was at 5HP. No, you're at 5 now after
42:07
getting shot. Took four points a day but you
42:10
were at 9:00 earlier. I was.
42:12
Yeah, you were at 3:00. You got six.
42:14
You went up to 9 and then you lost.
42:15
You went down to 5. What in the fuck did I have 9 HP
42:19
dude? You've been having nine since
42:21
the last round. Oh, when we were up top, I
42:25
forgot about that. Yeah, that shit.
42:27
Didn't we used to? You were just knocked
42:28
unconscious, I guess it probably should have, but you couldn't
42:31
really take a smoke break, so. We just quad.
42:34
Yeah, you took what, smoke break and you got 6 points.
42:37
Congratulations, you're not dead.
42:40
OK, dude. OK, OK baby, it's your turn.
42:43
Shoot 30 in the back as well. Yeah, go ahead, go ahead, kill
42:47
your tank. Go for.
42:48
I'm not even a tank right now. I don't have enough HP to be.
42:50
You're really not. I'm the tankiest of all of us.
42:52
I'm at 8. I'm going to jump on top of the
42:55
coffin. God damn it.
42:57
God. God.
43:01
Damn it, all right, give me a fucking athletics or acrobatics,
43:04
whichever 1 you want to do. I'll roll the six.
43:09
My dex is a 5 so that's 11. You go running towards the
43:16
coffin and you just got to pop up on the seat like you're just
43:19
watching this fight. All right, my turn.
43:23
I I'm going to go knock baby bird the fuck off the coffin and
43:29
I just start dragging the coffin.
43:31
Why are you fighting it? We don't need to kill it.
43:34
We just need the coffin. So I drag it like 5 feet because
43:41
I'm not super strong. I am going to need help carrying
43:44
this. We got to get the fuck out of
43:45
here. That thing is stunned for this
43:47
round and this round only. Unless I can stun it again.
43:52
You, you want to risk that, you want to try, you want to, you
43:54
want to stun that guy, you want you want to do that.
43:56
Is this what you're about? I do have a Taser.
44:00
I got a flare gun. OK.
44:03
I'm going to put a flash bang in its mouth, dude.
44:06
So who's going to help me carry this?
44:09
And who's going to try to hold off the white thing?
44:12
I do have the highest rank, so it makes sense for me to help
44:16
you carry it, but at the same time I am supposed to be the
44:20
tank. Hey, so you're going to hold him
44:23
off? I don't know.
44:25
It's all happening very fast. Audie, make a decision.
44:27
It's your turn. What are you doing?
44:28
I'm hoping you carry the coffin. We're getting the hell out of
44:30
here. Jumping on that coffin.
44:33
I'm dragging this thing along with like both arms, like my
44:36
back's still hurting and you come over here like one handed
44:38
and you're like, you pick it up and we truck.
44:41
You and I are fucking like way out of there.
44:43
Hazy. You're an ex.
44:45
What are you doing? Yeah, no, I'm.
44:47
I'm running right with you. Oh God damn it.
44:53
Hazzy fell. He.
44:54
Trips the falls on the spider web.
44:57
I'm going to blood scream and I all of my explosives are
45:01
strapped to my body right now. Aren't you out of explosives?
45:10
Wait. Oh.
45:10
You. You use one of that zombie you
45:14
swung around with it over there and then you.
45:16
So this is your last explosive, isn't it?
45:21
You only get 4. I'm going to run.
45:26
I mean, if it's your last one, put it down as a trap as you
45:28
run. Yeah, I'm going to.
45:30
I'm going to reach my hand out as he runs past.
45:33
I'm going to I'm going to throw it at its fur dude.
45:35
I'm just going to like tot underhand toss it at it while
45:38
I'm running away grabbing hazy, picking him up.
45:42
I'm doing 3 actions in one turn. OK, you're pretty close, so
45:46
let's let's roll with advantage on this one.
45:49
Oh, not that one. Not that one.
45:52
Oh, Jesus. I rolled A5.
45:56
You throw it and you. I don't know which one to do
46:00
first. All right, so you throw, you
46:02
miss it, but it does land in front of it and you don't really
46:06
get very far. You you get 1, you get 5 feet
46:10
away from it and it's his turn. And the white thing is not going
46:15
to give chase. The white thing is just going to
46:17
howl. What the fuck?
46:24
Dude that howl is so funny bro. He's enjoying every second of
46:29
this fight. It sounds like a chicken.
46:32
When when he does that howl, though, that's the loudest one
46:35
he's done. And it's echo that we're all
46:37
going to have to take some saving throws from that one to
46:40
see if we're stunned. Hey, is he your closest?
46:42
You're going to go first, 2, 80? No, that's not good.
46:53
I got it. I got a 10.
46:56
He just beat all of us. That was almost.
47:01
I got a Turkey all. Right.
47:04
Well, I dropped the coffin and I just kind of like stunned, stuck
47:07
in place and thought you just kind of pushed past me and keep
47:10
dragging the coffin with you for another like 10 feet to get away
47:13
from the situation. One of us is going to get paid.
47:17
OK, the white thing, it's just stunned.
47:20
Everybody. The white thing is going to.
47:23
Let's see if it gets caught in your trap.
47:25
It sure does. All right, so it takes a step
47:31
forward and it steps right into your trap, Baby bird, It can't
47:35
move to your guys turn. Soddy, what are you doing?
47:40
I'm dragging the coffin. Soddy keeps dragging the coffin.
47:43
He goes another 25 feet towards the South.
47:47
I'm going to reach out and aim my gun towards, you know, you in
47:52
that direction and just shoot it and try to get me dragged in
47:56
that direction. You're a grappling.
47:58
Hook Hell yeah trying to get the fucking you.
48:01
Have to clarify what gun you're shooting.
48:03
Yeah, you got to shoot my gun. My.
48:06
Bad My grappling. The grappling gun.
48:08
It's dark you accidentally grabbed.
48:11
It's like out of spite to shoot you as we're running away.
48:14
That's why I thought he's good too.
48:18
Plus my decks would be 17. Nice.
48:23
Yeah, You shoot that thing, you miss, but you hit a stalagmite
48:26
and it just starts dragging you off.
48:27
It actually drags you. Oop, not you past me.
48:33
It drags you past me. I close my eyes and I run.
48:37
Yeah, you close your eyes and run.
48:38
You're you're going to roll with disadvantage.
48:41
If you close your fucking eyes, it's dark.
48:43
I'm using my other senses to the to its advantage.
48:46
That's so stupid. He's smelling the coins in my
48:49
pocket. Oh, my God.
48:51
All right, you're going to. Fine, I open one eye.
48:55
No, you're running blind. You're going to.
48:57
You're going to roll with disadvantage, but you get a + 2
49:00
because you smell coins to the South of you.
49:02
So you're going to take the lowest 1 and add 2.
49:05
Smells like saliva. She fuck you schmuckles that
49:14
way. What'd you?
49:15
What'd you get both times? I rolled a 19 twice.
49:20
My everything just fades away, and in the darkness at the end
49:26
of my closed eyes, I see coins jiggling in a pocket and I just
49:33
run out. The closer I get, the stronger
49:37
it smells. I can hear the friction of the
49:40
metal rubbing together, beckoning me forth.
49:44
You follow Hazy because he shot a gun and he's got those, the
49:47
gold pieces on him. And then we all, we all catch up
49:50
the thotty and we all escape with the pale coffin.
49:54
We make our way out of The Cave. We head South.
49:56
We pop up into one of the houses at the end of the abandoned
50:02
village that we were in. We didn't know.
50:04
It was like one of the only two houses we hadn't looked into.
50:07
And it's one of the first ones that would have let us right to
50:09
The Cave at the beginning. And let's let's get the fuck out
50:12
of Alabama, please. This place ain't so bad.
50:16
You did get laid. Roll Tide.
50:18
War Eagle. All right, everyone, say
50:20
goodbye. Bye, Jesus.
50:28
Mission complete. Target captured.