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Time for a relationship tune up 8 things to consider · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, Dr.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: David here.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about relationships and how to keep it fresh.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm back for another podcast episode.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know what number it is, but welcome to another podcast episode.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Just have to do that.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: I love my little sound effect thing.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So today I want to talk about um staying connected with significant others.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, so as many of you know, um, I'm a marriage and family therapist, and so I meet every week with um families and couples.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of the times I meet with uh couples that are in crisis.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um most of the time I meet with couples that are in crisis.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it's a bummer because um I I I often think, you know, every 3,000 miles or whatever it is, 5,000 miles, we're supposed to take our cars in and get looked at.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that's a myth or not, or if that's a way that um Jiffy Lube stays in business, but I I more or less do that.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I drive a lot, so I I do that with my car.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love it if couples and families actually did that in their relationships because I think that um relationships would be more um successful, people would be more interested in staying in relationships and um kids would have happier upbringings because parents are like actually trying to take care of their relationship rather than just letting it happen to them.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: And so as I've been thinking about this, I've compiled a list of uh ways to stay connected with your significant other.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um there's no right formula, but I think there's some themes and ideas that if you keep these themes and ideas at the forefront of your mind throughout the week and and throughout your relationship, you're gonna always have a fresh uh relationship.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And and when I say fresh, I don't mean fresh like fresh lettuce on your hamburger.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I mean like uh I mean a relationship that's going to um sustain over time.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna last over a period of you know 30 to 40 years.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um excuse me.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: So I I want to go through a list of these things and you know if you're not doing any of these things, I'm gonna suggest that you do.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You start doing some of these things.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you're doing all of these things, you're way ahead of the game.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: And chances are if you actually are doing all these things, your relationship is just fine, and uh people should be looking to you um for how to keep their relationship going.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get started.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Um So the first one, I mean, uh a lot of these seem like no-brainers, but kindness is the first first one.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, because there's a lot of times that I'm interacting with um couples that are employed full-time, and so I'll ask them, do you treat people like this at work?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: And inevitably the answer is no, I don't treat people like this at work.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um and then inevitably also the answer is I treat people at work better than I treat my spouse.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that has got to switch up.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: You should not be treating people at work better than your spouse or your significant other, or even your family.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so it has consequences because uh when was the last time you're kind to someone that you cared about, would be the question.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I say kind to someone, that means like opening the door, shutting the door for them, getting them a drink, looking out for their needs, things like that.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not anything to do with misogyny, it's not anything to be doing with sexist or chauvinistic, it's just being kind to somebody because they're another human being.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're in a relationship with somebody, um, being kind is a huge component of showing love to somebody.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: So, my encouragement to you, if you're not doing it, is to be kind to the person that you are in love with or that you're living with or that you're parenting.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and this goes to kids too.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: Kids, are you kind to your parents?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: Um, are you kind to your grandparents?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because it doesn't just go one way, it goes both ways in regards to the whole kindness thing.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um another thing to consider is that the other person is important.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's definitely hard to consider another's needs over your own.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: One of the things that I always joke about with newly married, or not newly married, um couples that have kids that are babies or toddlers, um, inevitably you come to this and think, ah, it's it's your turn to change the diaper.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_00: I've changed the diaper five times today.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what I've realized um as a husband that is that I'm never gonna catch up to my wife in terms of um nurturing our children and changing diapers, and slow we're coming out of that phase slowly, but I that's not even something I say.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: I used to say it when I first had kids, and I think a lot of um adults say that when they first have kids, but over time it's it doesn't even matter.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: So what matters is is choosing another person's needs over your own, um, and considering another person's needs over your own, and that relates to kindness as well, but I think it also relates to like making life easier for the other person, and that includes your kids.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Um so so for example, in my life, I love these Girl Scout cookies called Samoas.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I I would hoard them if I could, I would I would hide them away and not share them with my children because I love them so much.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: Um that's confess hashtag confession time.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: So what I have done is I I'm very purposeful about trying to make sure my kids have some, but not too many, because it's just too many of anything is not a great thing.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um or too much of anything is not a great thing.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm willing to share that with them because I care about them and I view them as uh someone that's important.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm willing to share my things, my Samoa cookies with them because I view them as important.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: So um I would encourage you if you're not viewing another person as important in your life, whether it's a spouse, significant other, or a child, that you start doing so because that's gonna enrich um the relationship you have with them.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: So do you remember the thing that brought you together with your spouse?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like, sit sit back for a moment, we can pause and think about the thing that brought you in connection with your significant other.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um for me it was her she was kind of goofy.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_00: I saw her in the lobby of um uh the college that we were attending when I was a freshman, and she was being goofy with another person, and I remember I will always remember that um moment about her, and it kind of intrigued me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so then from there a relationship started, we became friends, we best friends, and then and 23 years later we're still married.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: So getting back to that place of talking on the phone for hours, that's something I'm I always am shocked by.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like we would talk on a phone for three hours, and I just think, what would we talk about?
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: And you talk about nothing most of the time.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, going on walks, flirting with another one another, complimenting for the tiniest things.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: So these are the things that if you can think back to, you they brought you together.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: They were the they were the things that started you connecting with one another.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times the further in a relationship you get, you forget about these things.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so my suggestion is you go back to the basics.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And it could be something as simple as, hey honey, let's go for a walk around the block, right?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Or let's go do this thing that we used to love to do, or write a love note, little love letter to your significant other.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's these small things that will um kind of harken you back to the the things that originally brought you together.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of times it's hard to do those things or remember to do those things because you know, kids get in the way, schedules get in the way, work gets in the way, and those are those things, schedule, kids, and work are the things that will slowly draw you away from one another.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um so now this one's a little bit controversial, but I think it's important.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I titled it Don't be shabby, and and what that means is do you want to look good for your partner?
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: And if not, why not?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: If you think that well, looks don't matter.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Looks do actually matter to some degree.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, relationships shouldn't rely solely on looks, but you still want to be attracted to the person that you're in a relationship with, and you still I'm of the opinion that you should still want to look good to that person, and so if all you do is dress in um sweats, ripped pants, hoodies, um, you know, boxer shorts, or I mean if you're just always looking shabby versus the person who's looking sharply dressed down the street, um, I I think you should step up your game a little bit.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't mean that you're shallow, and it doesn't mean that your significant other is shallow, but it does mean that there was a point in time that you dressed to or you wanted to look a certain way to get your spouse's attention.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so my suggestion is it's okay to dress a certain way to continue to get your spouse's attention.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um I think that's that's important in a relationship.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: It shows that you care about yourself and it shows that you care how you look to your significant other.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, please, please send me your hate mail because I want to hear why you think that um that's a bad idea.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't I don't think it is.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Um so the next thing that I think you should focus in on is tact.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: How you say things to one another is a huge thing.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: So when you were first in a relationship, there's no way you said hurtful things very directly.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: If there was something that bothered you, you probably didn't say anything at all.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: And then over time, after you get comfortable with somebody, you slowly start to say things that annoy you, and then at some point, if you just don't like the person anymore, you just start cursing at them or calling them curse words because you because you despise them so much.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's usually when people end up getting divorced.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: But we're talking to avoid that, that you continue to use tact in how you say things, because this is a person that you're talking to that has feelings, goals, dreams, and desires.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so I suggest you watch what you say.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Kind words are often better than hurtful words, and you can speak truth to people, but I think you can do it in a loving way.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, ultimately you know this person better than anyone else, and so you know how to hurt them the most, most likely, but you also know how to care for them the most as well.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: And so when you say these hurtful things, um you're kind of doing it to be hurtful, you're not doing it just to give information, um, because you can give information in tactful and and kind ways instead of hurtful and spiteful ways.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'd encourage you to increase your tactfulness if you've been married for a long period of time.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: So uh another thing is alone time.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you have kids, this is hard.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: I have seven kids, so one's out of the home, so I have six.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's potentially hard.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it's definitely important.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: Just because you had kids doesn't mean that you forfeit your alone time for the next 20 or 30 years.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you still need to be able to connect with your partner on a one-on-one time basis.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you you still need to be able to just have a downtime for yourself.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're not adding that into your schedule throughout the week or the month, I'm gonna strongly encourage you that you do do that because if you don't, you you start to get overwhelmed and you don't even realize you're overwhelmed until it's just too late and you want out of the home or you want out of a relationship.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I've seen there's so many times where I've seen a dad decide he just has had it and he's leaving, and then he just kind of goes off and lives his single lifestyle and he forgets his family and kids, and I mean that's that's super sad because those kids are gonna be affected for the rest of their lives because of that dad's selfishness.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so if if scheduling alone time, meaning either alone time with yourself or alone time with your significant other, if that's something you can do as a preventative means to head off divorce, I would encourage you to do it anytime and every time you can.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, some people call it date nights.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's the cliche term for it, but whatever, whatever you want to call it, I think it's important to schedule that time for yourself and your significant other.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um last two are one one is compliments.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: So go out go out of your way to let your partner know how great they are.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Because there's a lot of times that when you've been married for a long time, there's things you just kind of take for granted.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: And each of you have roles in the relationship and you do these things.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: So in my relationship, I mow the lawn and I take the garbage out, right?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, those things, if they're not recognized over a period of time, there can be some resentfulness, like, oh, I do all this stuff and I don't get appreciated for it.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: Well, people do appreciate it, but it's just kind of this common thing that's expected of you, and so it's in human nature to just to not compliment things that are expected of us.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um similarly in a business place, if your job is to file things correctly and you file things correctly, and you don't get compliments, you shouldn't get butthurt over that.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, that's your job, that's what you're supposed to do.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're getting paid for that.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but it is nice if the boss does come and compliment you on it.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I my encouragement to you in your relationships with your family and your significant other is that you give them compliments because these small little things go a long way in keeping relationships intact.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: The more mindful you are about the small things, the more likely your relationship will be a positive one.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um and so finally the physical touch.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um and we're not talking sexual touch, we're just talking physical touch, we're talking holding hands, sitting next to each other, putting your arms around each other, rubbing feet, rubbing backs.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, things like that.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: So physical touch, I mean, there's tons of studies that show physical touch releases a chemical called oxytocin in the brain, and that's definitely uh one that's good for you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a it's a chemical that's good for you.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Then it's called the sometimes people call it the cuddle hormone.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and it promotes feelings of devotion, trust, bonding, you know, all those good kinds of things.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And so if you're not engaging in physical touch with your partner, um then I would bet that your relationship currently is kind of distant.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this has to do, I would say this is the same for kids.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: Kids, um, it's important, physical touch is important for kids too.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think it lets them know that their parents care for them, their parents want to have interaction with them.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: Now, the the the challenge the pushback I receive from people is I'm just not a physical touch person.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, maybe you're not, or my kid doesn't want me to touch them, okay, maybe they don't, but I don't actually care because I think that physical touch is something that that all people need, and whether they like it or not in the moment, it's still something that you should be doing.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Um, teenagers are notorious for not wanting physical touch.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, but I encourage parents, you know what?
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: A little side hug on the way out the door is not gonna kill a kid, and it's gonna give them a measure of security that maybe they wouldn't get um if you never hug them.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: So, my encouragement to you if you're a parent who has a kid that doesn't like touching or hugs, do it anyways because it's something that they they don't know that they need, and sometimes they do know they need it, but they kind of shrug it off like I'm cool, I shouldn't need this from you, mom, you're weird.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Don't worry about that.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: They'll grow out of it and they'll get to a place where hugs are gonna be okay with them.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you think about it, there was a time that they did want to get hugs when they were little kids, right?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: And just because they get older doesn't mean that that stops.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um it's it's what I often tell people is don't listen to the words, you listen to the actions.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of times when they're hurt, when they're crying, when they're um in a despondent place, they're ready and willing to accept hugs all day long.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's that tells you right there that in their core, they want to be, they want physical touch.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna encourage you to do that with your kids.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna encourage you to do that with your spouse, even if it's just you're sitting next to each other driving and you just hold hands.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I think that's important that physical touch is a key ingredient in a loving lasting relationship.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: So if you have any ideas on what's good for a loving-lasting relationship, I'd love to hear your comments.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Or if you totally disagree with me, I'd love to hear those comments as well.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you can email me at headshrinkinc at gmail.com, or you can email me.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, or you can uh go to my Facebook page and make a comment there, or you can go to Instagram.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: And basically, if you search Dr.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_00: David Simonson, you'll be able to find me anywhere that you need to find me.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: You'll most importantly, you'll find my website, and then that has links to all my other sites.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: So thanks for listening in and have a great week.