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The Candor Code: What End-of-Life Care Taught One Nurse About Living Better · White Coat Black Sheep

• 0:00
  Welcome to "White Coat, Black Sheep," where science gets curious and dogma gets
• 0:03
  uncomfortable. I'm Dr. Savelli, and today we're talking physiology,
• 0:07
  evidence, and real-world medicine.
• 0:09
  Plus, the questions you're not supposed to ask but probably should.
• 0:12
  If you care about health and think there's a better way, welcome to our show.
• 0:22
  So today we have with us the beautiful, lovely Angelina
• 0:25
  Rodriguez. Angelina is a seasoned healthcare professional with
• 0:30
  over 20 years of experience delivering high-quality care across
• 0:33
  multiple healthcare settings. She began her
• 0:36
  career in 1997,
• 0:39
  I love it, with Kaiser, building a strong
• 0:43
  foundation in patient-centered care.
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  Her background includes extensive work as a case manager for HMO
• 0:49
  insurance and Medicare fee-for-service programs.
• 0:52
  There, she developed expertise in patient advocacy, care
• 0:56
  coordination, and navigating complex healthcare systems for diverse
• 1:00
  populations. She later served as a hospice nurse, oh, I didn't know that,
• 1:04
  providing compassionate, dignified end-of-life care to patients and
• 1:08
  families.
• 1:09
  Angelina also worked as a healthcare liaison, and this is for senior living
• 1:13
  care communities and specialty providers, acting as a
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  vital bridge between families, patients, and healthcare organizations.
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  Her experience spans acute care, hospice, insurance,
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  case management, and senior living, with a consistent focus on quality
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  communication and service excellence.
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  And this is mostly in the senior populations.
• 1:36
  I am speechless. Welcome to my show.
• 1:40
  I am just so happy to have you on. How's
• 1:44
  everything? How are you?
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  So busy.
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  You have so many skills.
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  Oh, thank you.
• 1:51
  Yeah.
• 1:53
  Sometimes you do things throughout your life, and you
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  never really take the time to sit back and say, "Man,
• 2:00
  I really did accomplish a lot."
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  I love that about you.
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  I didn't realize I had done so much
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  till you were reading that. I was like, "Wow, look at me, go."
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  You're like, "I've been a busy girl."
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  Yes.
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  Yeah. I so admire that, and definitely our industries
• 2:17
  overlap, they align.
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  Since I'm in hospice and home health, and as
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  director, you've been on the other side making the pieces move,
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  and
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  it's super important. The job looks impossible.
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  Mm-hmm.
• 2:34
  Do you want to talk about your experience at all about that?
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  Hospice,
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  it was actually like therapy for me.
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  So I went into hospice after I lost my nephew.
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  So he had non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, and I was his
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  primary caregiver. And
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  I was a little angry at the world,
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  like how unfair it was.
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  Yeah.
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  He was so young, all the things. And then I started working in
• 3:02
  hospice, and
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  I cared for
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  infants-
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  Mm-hmm
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  ... seven-year-olds.
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  Ugh. My gosh.
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  I knew the world wasn't trying to pick on me.
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  Yeah.
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  So it was very therapeutic for me in that sense.
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  But also,
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  it's such a privilege to be with people at the end of their journey.
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  It is.
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  That's your opportunity to really...
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  You may have been the only nice person or the only positive person that they've
• 3:31
  ever come in contact with. A lot of people, especially
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  the older ones,
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  that are kind of broke off from their
• 3:41
  family.
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  They're like-
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  They do
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  ... "Thank you. You're the first
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  skin-on-skin contact I've had."
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  Yeah.
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  When you're giving them a bed bath or-
• 3:51
  Wow
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  ... whatever it is that you're doing for them-
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  Mm-hmm
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  ... they really appreciate it.
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  Oh my gosh. That's beautiful.
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  Yeah. So I love hospice, but for
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  me, it's not something I could do consistently for
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  year after year after year.
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  I know what you mean. Yeah.
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  I need a break.
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  Yeah. But it is heavy.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  You're not saying that it does not wear on you, because it does.
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  Because I feel that way, too.
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  Yep.
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  And you were the good in
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  that situation, which was organically bad-
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  Right
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  ... and hard for anybody to see or watch or
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  be a part of. But I love that. That's beautiful that you were able
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  to just turn that into a sparkle because
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  woo.
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  Yeah. It can get-
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  It's heavy.
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  Yeah.
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  Yeah.
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  I think that's why I
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  always try to tell people hospice isn't always a bad word, not even the
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  people who are put on it.
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  No, it's beautiful, actually.
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  Yeah.
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  I think it's beautiful because, like you said, you're able to touch people's
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  lives when it honestly matters the most.
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  Because suffering, to me, is just unethical, and I don't want to
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  suffer.
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  Yeah.
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  I fear suffering.
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  And I probably, for people like us,
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  we know why would we want to suffer?
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  Mm-hmm.
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  We're not preventing the inevitable.
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  Yeah.
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  We're just trying to provide-
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  Or prolonging.
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  Yeah. We're trying to provide comfort.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  But some people, and depending on where they're at in age, it's really hard
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  for them. But that's what made me want to
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  advocate for hospice, because I literally
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  watched my nephew die in pain.
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  Oh.
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  And that was
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  probably one of the worst things I've ever done.
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  And I would share that story with people coming on to hospice,
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  saying,
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  "This is an option because
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  we can't take it away. We can't make it stop."
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  Yeah.
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  "But
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  let us provide you some comfort so you can truly enjoy
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  the little moments that you have left with your family."
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  Oh, that would be meaningful for me.
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  If it's my family or whatever, friends, loved one, doesn't
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  matter. That's awesome.
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  Yeah.
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  And that's impactful.
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  I don't think that there's any part of hospice that anyone does that
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  isn't impactful.
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  I think it's a space where, so yes, the people that are in
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  it and doing it right-
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  Mm-hmm
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  ... but definitely it's a space where there's high fraud and-
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  Right
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  ... it's easy to take advantage of because
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  you're dealing with the most vulnerable patients.
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  Right.
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  So unfortunately, there's still predators.
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  Right.
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  So I think that's the space that
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  creates all the red tape and the stuff that is not
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  pleasant on the provider side, on the
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  process side. There's a lot of rules, there's a lot of paperwork
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  beyond the patients-
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  Right
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  ... that I could complain about.
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  That's actually why I started
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  doing consulting, was because
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  I was able to witness so much.
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  What's the nicest way I can say it?
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  I think don't say it nicely.
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  Well, because, okay, for instance,
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  nurses at the hospital, case management level, they're busy.
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  Their goal is, you know what? This person's getting discharged, let's get this bed
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  empty.
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  It looks so hard. That job looks so hard.
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  Yes.
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  And you have to talk to the families, like when do you?
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  Yeah.
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  You're going to miss the call that you need to book this person's appointment
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  or whatever-
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  Yes
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  ... is the logistic.
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  And then they're like, "We want them out before certain time," right?
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  So they have a job to do.
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  The hospital gods.
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  Yes.
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  Yeah.
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  They have a job to do-
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  Yeah
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  ... and so they're going to do it. They're going to do it to their best ability.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  But sometimes
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  in that little window,
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  families aren't fully informed. They don't truly know their options.
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  Yeah.
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  But to them, they're like, "Okay, that bed's empty. That person's gone.
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  Okay, on to the next one." And it does get to a point
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  where they literally do become
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  a medical record number.
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  Yeah.
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  You know?
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  Yeah.
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  And sometimes-
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  Well, it's system-based care.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  If we zoom out and we're like, okay, what's the overall main problem?
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  It's system-based care, so it is numbers.
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  Yeah.
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  You can only do so much with the tools that we have
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  to get the information with the time that
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  you're, the little window.
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  And if the person doesn't catch it, sorry.
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  Yeah.
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  I tried.
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  Next.
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  Exactly. So I was like,
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  sometimes
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  my whole goal is to be able to sit down with families and
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  find out what their need is.
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  Yeah.
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  Help them find a solution, but not
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  a solution that they're going to take three to six months to find.
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  Yeah.
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  Let's sit down. Let's be real. You tell me what you need.
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  I'm going to tell you your options.
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  I'm going to save you time, and hopefully, I'm going to save you money, and you're
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  going to get the care that you want at the level that you need.
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  That's ideal.
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  And it's just time, like you said.
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  Mm-hmm.
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  Everybody in nursing homes, you know it, you see it.
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  Mm.
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  Nurse to 30, whatever the case is. They don't have time to-
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  Mission impossible
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  ... sit and do all that. Yes.
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  It's literally mission impossible.
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  So when are they supposed to sit down and give that
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  educational-
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  The TLC.
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  Yeah.
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  And education.
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  Exactly.
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  Education's luxury now.
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  Right.
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  Just like, Jesus. Just give them their meds.
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  Yes.
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  Yeah.
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  Exactly. So-
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  Yeah
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  ... I think that seniors need to be treated just a little bit better.
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  Oh my gosh, yeah.
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  All people do, but I just have a spot
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  for seniors.
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  We're in the same. Yeah. And really, that's what led me into functional
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  medicine. I've said it over and over, but
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  in working with seniors, I'm like, "Oh,
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  no. We got this much time before I am 80.
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  We got this..."
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  Or you see a little 65-year-old and they're not doing too good, I'm like, "Oh, God.
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  Okay. How much time before I'm 65?" And it just seems like
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  clock-watching, in a sense, to a countdown to
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  how they're experiencing their last two decades.
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  And we don't have to do that.
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  Right.
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  I
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  go through referrals all the time for people going to
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  acutes and skilled and all the wonderful things.
• 10:31
  You know what I do?
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  What?
• 10:32
  Oh my gosh, they're younger than I am.
• 10:35
  Oh my gosh, that's me in two years. What can I do?
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  Somebody help me.
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  These grannies and grandpas are giving us some anxious
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  feelings.
• 10:44
  Yes.
• 10:44
  But man.
• 10:45
  But it's younger and younger, like not-
• 10:48
  I know. The bodies are breaking down.
• 10:50
  Mm-hmm.
• 10:51
  But also, we're in an area that is underserved, and
• 10:55
  there is a lot of lifestyle
• 10:57
  situations that we could improve on.
• 10:59
  Exactly.
• 11:00
  In this area, I feel like drinking is a
• 11:04
  major hobby. It's just what happens.
• 11:07
  Yeah. What else is there to do?
• 11:08
  I know.
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  Right.
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  I know.
• 11:10
  I think we have a high rate, too, for female obesity in California.
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  Yes.
• 11:14
  I think Bakersfield is pretty much up there.
• 11:17
  Yeah.
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  I'm probably in that category.
• 11:19
  Don't-
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  I'm working on it
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  ... you don't have to self-reflect right now.
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  I know.
• 11:22
  We can leave that for another time. Yeah, this is just for them.
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  We don't need to talk about us right now.
• 11:27
  That's right. Exactly.
• 11:30
  Later.
• 11:31
  But yeah. No, it's hard, and I try to be
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  the good and the bad, just like your perspective
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  with hospice as well.
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  It's just
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  we have to fix it. We have to do something.
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  Right.
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  And
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  I don't know. The last two decades, in my opinion, should look
• 11:52
  like this. You're still active, you're still moving, you're still you
• 11:56
  mentally. You're maybe a little slower. That's fine.
• 12:01
  But you're not in pain. You're not having to take
• 12:05
  a ridiculous laundry list of pain
• 12:09
  medications or other medications, and then treating the symptoms of
• 12:13
  those with more meds.
• 12:15
  There's just foods that we could adjust.
• 12:18
  There's so many things that we could change now, but we have to
• 12:22
  be a little bit more aggressive.
• 12:24
  Right.
• 12:24
  And it has to be more of the leading thing in our treatment plans,
• 12:28
  and it's not.
• 12:30
  Well, have you ever noticed
• 12:32
  the Central Coast, people in San Luis Obispo, they
• 12:36
  have longevity there.
• 12:38
  Yes. Yeah.
• 12:39
  It's a healthier population. So I actually did case management out there for
• 12:43
  the same company that I worked for here in Bakersfield.
• 12:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 12:46
  And
• 12:48
  it's just a healthier population.
• 12:50
  Like in the SNFs, they have it?
• 12:53
  In their SNFs, from their hospital.
• 12:56
  Wow.
• 12:57
  People are just healthier there.
• 12:59
  That's really freaking cool.
• 13:00
  Yeah.
• 13:01
  Who knew? I wonder how they get paid for that.
• 13:05
  For keeping them healthy?
• 13:06
  You guys let us know your ICD-10 codes and how you're doing it.
• 13:09
  Right.
• 13:09
  Because really, it comes down to money, right?
• 13:12
  Yeah.
• 13:12
  So it's like, is there extra funding for that?
• 13:16
  Because if we're asking people to pay out of pocket, they're like, "Wait, what?"
• 13:20
  Yeah.
• 13:21
  There's just so much of an education gap there because longevity is like
• 13:25
  a space term. I feel like-
• 13:27
  Yeah
• 13:27
  ... my family doesn't understand, and so
• 13:30
  it's like I'm learning a lot of ways to do
• 13:34
  better just by talking to my own family and just seeing how they
• 13:38
  process the things that I say. They think I'm a weirdo in California right
• 13:42
  now. I'm not kidding.
• 13:44
  No. There goes Val again.
• 13:48
  And I can tell when they're trying to be polite because they just smile and they'll
• 13:51
  say, "Oh, that's great." I'm like, "Do you know?"
• 13:55
  Yeah, it's a lack of knowledge-
• 13:56
  It's hard. Yeah
• 13:57
  ... to some degree generational. Yeah?
• 13:59
  It's totally generational.
• 14:01
  Yeah.
• 14:01
  It is, and it's a new concept. It's a new style of medicine.
• 14:04
  And longevity doesn't mean like foo-foo or like...
• 14:09
  I don't know. It's different. So explaining
• 14:12
  that whole concept is like
• 14:15
  square one.
• 14:17
  Yeah. So are your parents
• 14:21
  here in Bakersfield?
• 14:23
  No, my mom, she passed in 2013
• 14:27
  and-
• 14:27
  Okay
• 14:27
  ... I didn't ever really have a relationship with my dad.
• 14:30
  Okay.
• 14:32
  But I do know he's alive, so I'm like, "That's great," because maybe he has
• 14:35
  longevity because my-
• 14:36
  He has longevity
• 14:36
  ... mother's family does not.
• 14:38
  Oh.
• 14:38
  Like my grandmother, my mother, her siblings,
• 14:42
  I believe she has two alive still.
• 14:45
  Okay.
• 14:46
  And they're maybe in their
• 14:49
  just 70s, like their early 70s.
• 14:52
  Okay.
• 14:52
  But most of them passed between the ages of 60 and 67.
• 14:57
  Interesting. Hey, it's more than 65, so
• 15:00
  genetically-
• 15:01
  But I'm like, "I'm almost there."
• 15:03
  You are definitely not almost there.
• 15:06
  But I think the whole screenings and
• 15:10
  keeping up with your health, your blood work, controlling the things that
• 15:14
  you can is definitely the most important thing
• 15:18
  right now.
• 15:18
  Right.
• 15:19
  And I don't know your age, you don't have to share it, but-
• 15:22
  I'm old
• 15:22
  ... if it's in the 40s, it's the time.
• 15:25
  Yeah.
• 15:25
  Time to flip the script, whatever.
• 15:26
  I know, I was so proud of you. You went and
• 15:28
  had your exam, and you shared that with everyone. I thought that was so awesome.
• 15:31
  Yes. It was
• 15:34
  such a moment for me when I was, like I shared,
• 15:39
  on the flight and talking to a friend that I'd known for years, and then
• 15:43
  she's an MP,
• 15:44
  and I was called out. She straight up called me out, and I was like, "Yeah.
• 15:48
  No, you're right. You're right." Because I just will put it off.
• 15:52
  I will put it off. A dentist appointment, don't want to do that.
• 15:55
  Eye exam, don't want to do that. I don't like to be the patient.
• 15:58
  It's weird for me.
• 15:59
  I think people in healthcare are like that.
• 16:01
  We're like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no."
• 16:02
  They're like, "We'll take care of everybody else and tell everybody else what to
• 16:04
  do-"
• 16:05
  Yes
• 16:05
  ... but when it comes to us, no.
• 16:06
  All day. No, no, no. Why are you looking over here? Look over there.
• 16:09
  Don't check my blood pressure.
• 16:10
  Right.
• 16:12
  I'm good.
• 16:13
  Especially when I'm mad or I haven't had coffee.
• 16:16
  No, I have one million excuses. I'm like, "Don't write that number.
• 16:20
  That's not my blood pressure."
• 16:21
  Oh my God. I was in a hurry.
• 16:23
  I'm a sassy, bad patient. So when my
• 16:27
  friend is like, "You need to do this," and she was telling me a good
• 16:31
  friend of ours had breast cancer, and this girl to me is young. She's 40.
• 16:35
  So I'm like,
• 16:36
  "What?" So it's just like a slap in my own face, like
• 16:40
  wake up, open your little eyes. You need to get in there and just do it.
• 16:44
  So I did it.
• 16:45
  I know, and I'm proud of you.
• 16:47
  Yeah.
• 16:47
  Weren't you proud of you?
• 16:48
  Oh my God. I felt like I won something.
• 16:51
  You're like, "I am so accomplished."
• 16:53
  It's like I gave myself an award, a trophy.
• 16:55
  I was like, "Look at this," like showing everybody.
• 16:57
  But really, it just seems like later, later,
• 17:02
  later.
• 17:02
  Right.
• 17:03
  But then there I was looking at my own breast tissue and I'm
• 17:07
  like, "Huh.
• 17:08
  Okay. Got some dense breast tissue.
• 17:12
  Still relatively young."
• 17:14
  You're analyzing your own breast.
• 17:16
  I totally did. I'm like, "All right.
• 17:19
  Let's just see if anything shows up."
• 17:20
  Girl, what can I do about this?
• 17:21
  Yeah. So anyway, it was good. I'm proud that I did it, and
• 17:25
  I brought my nurse with me, Sarah.
• 17:28
  Mm-hmm.
• 17:28
  You know Sarah.
• 17:29
  Yes.
• 17:29
  Yeah.
• 17:30
  So, yeah, we had a great experience. It was fun. It was like a field trip.
• 17:36
  Is she doing the wellness thing? Has she started her like-
• 17:40
  Oh, yeah
• 17:40
  ... because she looks amazing.
• 17:43
  Yes. That makes me so happy to hear.
• 17:45
  Yeah. She does.
• 17:46
  She'll love hearing that, too. She is. She's really putting the effort in.
• 17:49
  She's lost a ton of weight. She's working out. Her energy is up.
• 17:54
  She's doing it.
• 17:56
  Well, her work is noticed.
• 17:57
  Yes.
• 17:58
  And probably some of your work, too.
• 18:00
  A little bit of my work. I don't know. I'll let her share her own.
• 18:04
  Right. Girl, I'm not telling any secrets.
• 18:09
  Mm-hmm. So what was your day like today?
• 18:11
  Just reading a whole lot of charts and just kind of
• 18:15
  looking at my pool thinking, "I really want to be in there."
• 18:19
  But if I do-
• 18:20
  Wait, so you get to work from home?
• 18:22
  I do.
• 18:22
  So that's a beautiful thing, right?
• 18:24
  Yeah.
• 18:24
  Do you enjoy it? I dream about it.
• 18:28
  I do. The reason I did it is so the
• 18:32
  company that I work for is in San Francisco, so then-
• 18:34
  Mm-hmm
• 18:34
  ... I can do my thing here-
• 18:35
  Yeah
• 18:36
  ... and there's no issues.
• 18:37
  Okay.
• 18:37
  Because I'm always like, "I got to do right because-
• 18:40
  Yeah
• 18:40
  ... I expect everybody else to do right."
• 18:42
  Oh, definitely.
• 18:43
  You know?
• 18:43
  I feel like I'm a slave driver to myself.
• 18:46
  Wherever you put me, I'm good.
• 18:48
  Yeah.
• 18:48
  Same with you.
• 18:49
  I'm like, "When do you sleep?"
• 18:50
  No, I have a very strict sleep schedule. Don't you worry.
• 18:53
  Oh.
• 18:53
  It's a priority.
• 18:55
  I was like, "She is always go, go, go."
• 18:58
  Yeah.
• 18:59
  I don't think-
• 18:59
  I love it
• 19:00
  ... everybody knows all the things that you do.
• 19:03
  No.
• 19:03
  And I'm not going to share, but I think it's amazing.
• 19:06
  Thank you so much, and I think it's-- I don't know.
• 19:09
  You have a lot of things too. We enjoy it.
• 19:12
  I love what I do. You love what you do.
• 19:15
  Yep.
• 19:16
  And I think that really just gets into, it's a snowball,
• 19:20
  in a good way.
• 19:21
  Yeah.
• 19:22
  Because you were like, "Oh. Well, this is very similar, and then this too." And
• 19:25
  it's like then you have a cluster of things you love to do.
• 19:28
  Yes.
• 19:28
  And you're like, "This is just the best life ever."
• 19:31
  Right. And then you're like, "Oh, but then work." Like for me right now-
• 19:34
  Yeah
• 19:34
  ... I am kind of at that
• 19:38
  I don't know
• 19:39
  what kind of stage you'd call it, but-
• 19:41
  A fork in the road?
• 19:43
  Kind of, yeah. People are like, "Oh, well, if you're going to start your business,
• 19:46
  why are you still working?" Well, because you got to make money till you make
• 19:49
  money.
• 19:51
  You didn't understand what I'm saying.
• 19:53
  And when I'm-
• 19:54
  I hear you
• 19:54
  ... it's not so much for that.
• 19:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:57
  I'm doing it because I want to, not because I need to.
• 19:59
  Mm-hmm.
• 19:59
  But there's a need for it.
• 20:01
  Oh, yeah.
• 20:02
  And that's not important. That's what
• 20:04
  fuels me. What was that movie called with all the emotions?
• 20:09
  Um.
• 20:12
  You know, with the sad man.
• 20:13
  I can see their little faces, and I haven't seen it, but I know what you're talking
• 20:16
  about.
• 20:17
  Yeah. So when I help people, it fills my
• 20:21
  joy.
• 20:21
  Yeah.
• 20:23
  And that's what I need most in life-
• 20:24
  Yeah
• 20:24
  ... is joy.
• 20:25
  Yeah.
• 20:25
  So you can't put a price on that.
• 20:27
  No. I know. I had
• 20:30
  that talk with somebody recently.
• 20:32
  So it's like the transactional concept.
• 20:36
  So it's like, that's not enough.
• 20:38
  Right.
• 20:39
  I have to really be into it, and I'm like, "Man, I would be better." I wish I
• 20:43
  could change that because,
• 20:46
  survival-wise, it would be, I think more efficient- ...
• 20:49
  to not be like, "I'm passionate about this."
• 20:52
  Who cares how you feel about it? But no, I need to just feel
• 20:56
  into it-
• 20:57
  Right
• 20:57
  ... because otherwise, I just don't care.
• 20:59
  I'm not going to put energy where I don't feel
• 21:03
  fully engaged.
• 21:04
  Right. Could you imagine an artist?
• 21:07
  "We're just going to pay you to paint this picture."
• 21:09
  But have no feeling, no passion.
• 21:11
  Yeah.
• 21:14
  Artwork would not be artwork.
• 21:15
  Yeah. No, seriously. Yeah. And I had to learn that about
• 21:19
  myself. I did this personality test, and-
• 21:23
  That's interesting.
• 21:25
  Is it?
• 21:25
  Yes.
• 21:26
  Because I-
• 21:26
  I think they're interesting
• 21:27
  ... I really didn't know that is how I'm wired.
• 21:31
  And so this test-- And there's a lot of different ways you could
• 21:35
  answer it, but I still believe it would
• 21:38
  arrive at the same place because there's just algorithms to
• 21:43
  certain
• 21:44
  traits. So,
• 21:46
  my traits, a creator was important.
• 21:49
  That was very high. It was my second one.
• 21:52
  My first one,
• 21:55
  I forget the wording, but essentially it's like I
• 21:59
  take a global view. So
• 22:03
  anyway, so that term and then the creator.
• 22:06
  The creator just really resonated with me because I enjoy every
• 22:09
  single part of that. So yeah, sometimes I do feel
• 22:13
  like maybe I'm an artist.
• 22:16
  Well, artists are creative.
• 22:17
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  So still counting you in.
• 22:18
  Yeah. But then am I a hungry artist or-
• 22:23
  Starving artist.
• 22:25
  Yeah.
• 22:25
  Please feed.
• 22:27
  Can you imagine dating someone like me?
• 22:29
  It's just like-
• 22:31
  Gosh
• 22:31
  ... oh my God.
• 22:32
  It's probably never dull.
• 22:34
  I don't think so.
• 22:38
  You're like, "I'm going to have to ask my partner that."
• 22:42
  It'd be funny to hear his thoughts.
• 22:44
  Yeah.
• 22:44
  He probably would be smart and just say nothing.
• 22:48
  Yeah. That's the smartest move there.
• 22:51
  Straight face emoji.
• 22:51
  Yeah. I think you're great.
• 22:53
  Yeah.
• 22:54
  It's never dull with you.
• 22:54
  And beautiful.
• 22:55
  Mm-hmm.
• 22:56
  And smart.
• 22:57
  Yes.
• 22:59
  So
• 23:00
  I've done one of those personality tests, and mine was I was a generator.
• 23:04
  Okay.
• 23:05
  And that makes sense.
• 23:05
  That makes so much sense.
• 23:07
  Because I love helping people, and-
• 23:08
  Yeah
• 23:08
  ... I love, "Oh, you should meet with this person.
• 23:11
  Oh, you should meet with that person."
• 23:12
  A connector.
• 23:13
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:13
  Yes.
• 23:15
  Yes.
• 23:15
  Yeah.
• 23:15
  "Oh, you could do this, you could do that."
• 23:17
  Yeah.
• 23:18
  You know?
• 23:18
  That makes sense.
• 23:19
  You're that way, though, too.
• 23:20
  Yeah. Oh, for sure. That was on my top 10.
• 23:23
  Oh, I remember your whiteboard list you sent me.
• 23:25
  I was like, "Great."
• 23:26
  But you know what? It worked.
• 23:27
  Really?
• 23:28
  Yes, because I'm task-driven.
• 23:30
  What did I say?
• 23:30
  You're like, "Today you are going to
• 23:32
  develop your website."
• 23:35
  Oh, yeah.
• 23:36
  Yeah.
• 23:36
  Yeah, accountability.
• 23:37
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:38
  I just think it helps, because if you're looking at it, you know I'm looking at it,
• 23:41
  and I see it's not done, and it's on my board, it's almost embarrassing,
• 23:45
  right?
• 23:46
  Mm-hmm.
• 23:46
  It's like, "What's wrong with you?
• 23:47
  Why don't you get your s**t done?"
• 23:49
  Exactly. I'm like, "Okay. We both have the same amount of hours,
• 23:52
  and she works a whole lot more than I do, so I'm going to get this
• 23:56
  done."
• 23:58
  I'm so happy to hear that.
• 24:00
  Yeah. It worked, so thank you.
• 24:01
  Yeah. So if you guys are struggling to
• 24:05
  get that thing done, it's the most important thing, but you keep saying,
• 24:09
  "Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow." Put it on a list and tell somebody about it.
• 24:13
  Post that. Just post it, because now people will
• 24:17
  ask you about it.
• 24:18
  Well, it can't just be anyone, because I can tell, like
• 24:23
  My boyfriend. I can say, "Hey, we're going to get this done." He'll be like, "Okay,
• 24:26
  we're going to do it." "Oh, I didn't do it." "I know, we got lazy, huh?"
• 24:29
  That's not helpful.
• 24:30
  He's not your accountability person.
• 24:32
  No.
• 24:32
  Okay, well, what if you posted it to social media?
• 24:36
  Maybe.
• 24:36
  Like, "I am doing this,"
• 24:39
  period.
• 24:40
  Kind of like what you did.
• 24:43
  Because then it's like-
• 24:44
  That worked
• 24:44
  ... did you do it?
• 24:46
  Right. Are you just lying? Not so much lying, but you know.
• 24:50
  No, you can lie to yourself. I think there's a level of where we do
• 24:53
  lie to ourselves.
• 24:55
  Of course.
• 24:55
  Yeah. And I know the spaces where I'm delusional, and I'm like- ...
• 24:59
  I accept me for being me in that space.
• 25:01
  That's okay.
• 25:02
  Yeah.
• 25:03
  The other voice in my head said it's okay.
• 25:05
  Totally. Yeah. She's got it.
• 25:08
  Yeah. I think social media does help to an extent to help you be accountable for
• 25:12
  things.
• 25:13
  Yeah.
• 25:13
  But also, too, if you have a person that will hold you accountable.
• 25:17
  Yeah.
• 25:18
  Knowing who that is-
• 25:19
  Mm-hmm
• 25:20
  ... and giving them important things you want to accomplish.
• 25:22
  Yeah.
• 25:23
  So.
• 25:23
  People that you would feel like it does something for you
• 25:27
  if you're like, "I didn't do this," and then they say, "Why not?"
• 25:31
  Right.
• 25:32
  Because I would ask you, "Why not?"
• 25:33
  I know.
• 25:35
  That's why I said it worked when you did it.
• 25:36
  I was like, "Oh, she-- I'm doing it, because she-"
• 25:38
  Yeah.
• 25:38
  "... no questions asked."
• 25:39
  And then you gave me your reasons for why not one time.
• 25:43
  Mm-hmm.
• 25:43
  And then it's like, imagine there's a two and then a three.
• 25:46
  Yeah.
• 25:46
  Because I'm not going to go away.
• 25:48
  Yeah.
• 25:49
  You're like, "Okay, excuses are out."
• 25:52
  You need to pick a date that you're going to have this done by.
• 25:55
  Yeah.
• 25:56
  Yeah.
• 25:56
  And sometimes it is good to say, "Hey, I haven't done this because
• 26:00
  here's the why." And sometimes it is a legit barrier.
• 26:04
  Totally.
• 26:04
  And they can help you work through that.
• 26:06
  Yes. Yeah.
• 26:07
  You know?
• 26:07
  Exactly. Yeah.
• 26:09
  I think it's great to have accountability-
• 26:10
  Yes
• 26:11
  ... person.
• 26:11
  Definitely.
• 26:13
  I haven't always known that to be true and kept people
• 26:18
  in my life that are actively helping me with that, but I think it is,
• 26:22
  you're right. That is so important.
• 26:24
  Mm-hmm.
• 26:26
  Yeah. So use me anytime for that. Yeah. Same.
• 26:29
  I'm going to be like, "This month, I'm going to accomplish this."
• 26:33
  Yeah. Having your running list of the day just feels
• 26:37
  nice, and then of the week, of the month, and then
• 26:41
  of the year. I don't go that wild with
• 26:45
  five-year, because that's already here.
• 26:47
  Right.
• 26:48
  That's in my heart and soul, in my mind, in my vision.
• 26:50
  I feel like I know where I'm driving this whole thing.
• 26:54
  So, a five-year plan is very abstract, and it
• 26:58
  just, it's there. It's written in my brain.
• 27:02
  But then the
• 27:04
  minutia is what kills me, and I can't let it.
• 27:08
  So, I need my daily task. I need my
• 27:13
  week, my month at least lined
• 27:17
  up so I know if I make it to the end of the day or the end of the week and I
• 27:21
  didn't, oof. That's where I beat
• 27:24
  myself up and I'm like, "Okay, tomorrow then.
• 27:26
  Tomorrow has to be it."
• 27:28
  I'm like that with weekly task.
• 27:31
  Yeah.
• 27:32
  Day to day, I'm good.
• 27:33
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:34
  If I say I'm doing one, two, and three, I'm doing one, two, and three.
• 27:37
  I love it.
• 27:38
  Now, if I say, I'm going to do, for example, I'm going to
• 27:42
  go to the gym every day and I'm going to work out.
• 27:44
  Mm-hmm.
• 27:46
  If I don't go every day, then I'm like, "Ugh, I'm just not going to
• 27:50
  go at all."
• 27:51
  So you need accountability.
• 27:52
  Yeah. And why am I all or nothing? Three workouts-
• 27:55
  You negotiate with yourself
• 27:56
  ... are better than none.
• 27:57
  Yeah. But you also negotiate with yourself it sounds like.
• 28:01
  I do.
• 28:01
  Yeah.
• 28:03
  It's like, well, but three is better than-- Because I do that too.
• 28:07
  But,
• 28:09
  it's the spaces where we don't negotiate with ourselves, that it's
• 28:13
  not even up for debate-
• 28:16
  Right
• 28:16
  ... that's where we win.
• 28:18
  Maybe
• 28:19
  it would be great for me if I just sat back and said, "What is a non-negotiable for
• 28:22
  you, Angelina?"
• 28:23
  Yeah. What is it?
• 28:25
  Right.
• 28:25
  What are those?
• 28:26
  Because I can't negotiate everything.
• 28:29
  No. No, you literally can't. So, which things are you
• 28:32
  choosing and that you're, "Okay, I'll let that slide.
• 28:36
  I forgive me." I don't forgive me for certain things.
• 28:40
  I think we're hard on ourself as humans.
• 28:41
  Okay, but brushing your teeth, non-negotiable.
• 28:43
  Well, no. Yeah, non-negotiable.
• 28:45
  Showers?
• 28:45
  Non-negotiable.
• 28:46
  Nails?
• 28:48
  Eh.
• 28:48
  That's negotiable.
• 28:49
  Let's see them.
• 28:50
  Seriously?
• 28:53
  You're good. Okay, but that's a manicure.
• 28:55
  That's not a- Oh, now, that's a manicure.
• 28:57
  No.
• 28:58
  That is-
• 28:58
  That's nothing
• 28:59
  ... you're born this way stuff.
• 29:00
  Yeah.
• 29:01
  That's hygiene. They look great. So,
• 29:06
  whenever things are wild, so an unmanaged
• 29:10
  hygiene category.
• 29:11
  Mm-hmm.
• 29:12
  So, all of that, you're 10 out of 10.
• 29:15
  So, that's the space I'm talking
• 29:19
  about.
• 29:19
  Yeah. Well, I've never had a time in my life where I'm like, "You know
• 29:23
  what? I'm not going to shower for a week."
• 29:25
  Some people go through it.
• 29:26
  Okay.
• 29:27
  Some people do.
• 29:27
  It's negotiable for them.
• 29:29
  Yes, but not for me.
• 29:31
  So working out then, we have to figure out where that falls on
• 29:35
  the list. And if it is in the space of negotiable
• 29:39
  because of maybe discipline, then what
• 29:43
  level discipline would fix it? And this is for me, too. I talk to myself.
• 29:47
  So, what I decided for me, so I don't negotiate with myself, because
• 29:51
  I do that. It feels like it's on the list of not hygiene, so it's over
• 29:55
  here.
• 29:56
  You're like, "It's not as important as brushing your teeth."
• 29:59
  Yeah. So, I have a trainer, and that's me checking with me, and
• 30:03
  I know that's not the answer for everybody, and it is a splurge-
• 30:08
  Mm-hmm
• 30:08
  ... but that's my way to fix myself.
• 30:12
  I have realized that if I'm working out with someone-
• 30:16
  Mm-hmm
• 30:17
  ... I'm there.
• 30:17
  Yeah.
• 30:18
  I don't know why I'm so driven to show up for people, but I have the hardest
• 30:22
  time showing up for myself.
• 30:24
  Use yourself against yourself.
• 30:26
  Right?
• 30:28
  Yeah.
• 30:28
  How would I do that?
• 30:31
  I have to think about that. So my boyfriend, his best friend, she
• 30:35
  used to do the talk show with Howard Stern.
• 30:38
  Oh my gosh.
• 30:38
  And some of the stories that she had, I was like, "Oh my gosh." I was like,
• 30:42
  "Did you guys ever have to burp and do things like that? What do you do?
• 30:47
  Do you just cut it out? How does that work?" I don't know.
• 30:49
  No, I think you just let it be.
• 30:51
  Just let it be.
• 30:52
  Yeah. We call it organic.
• 30:55
  It's not called rude or no manners these days. It's called organic.
• 30:59
  Yes.
• 31:00
  We're not-
• 31:01
  That's your state. This person is so themselves. Organic.
• 31:05
  Yeah. I'm going to start saying that.
• 31:07
  I'm organic, guys.
• 31:09
  We could say also crass or unfiltered or without
• 31:12
  class, but I just like organic.
• 31:14
  Yeah. That'll work, too, in the Bay Area.
• 31:17
  Yeah.
• 31:17
  I can say-
• 31:18
  Yeah
• 31:18
  ... organic. They'll think I'm
• 31:20
  one of them.
• 31:21
  It's not rude. It's not nice. It's just
• 31:25
  neutral-
• 31:25
  Yeah
• 31:25
  ... like a beige. It's almost boring when I say it that way.
• 31:29
  Should we rebrand it?
• 31:31
  Do you
• 31:32
  use those words in... Okay, question.
• 31:35
  In California-
• 31:36
  Uh-huh
• 31:36
  ... do you use the same lingo you do when you're in Florida?
• 31:44
  What a funny question. No.
• 31:47
  That's so hilarious.
• 31:48
  No, I don't, because I don't want to have them looking at me as if
• 31:52
  I have two heads in Florida, like I'm a weirdo from
• 31:56
  California.
• 31:57
  But do you ever do it by accident?
• 31:59
  Probably.
• 32:00
  And they probably are like, "Weirdo."
• 32:03
  People in California probably look at you like that because you probably slip with
• 32:06
  some of the Floridian
• 32:08
  lingo.
• 32:08
  So I'm just like a reject from both-
• 32:10
  Is it Floridian?
• 32:10
  Yeah, Floridian. So really, I'm like a reject in both
• 32:18
  states.
• 32:18
  Just make your own lingo.
• 32:20
  I think I did.
• 32:21
  I mean-
• 32:21
  I must have, right? Because if I'm going from coast to coast, and then
• 32:25
  both are like, it's a little bit of not the flavor that the other one
• 32:29
  likes-
• 32:30
  Right
• 32:30
  ... on both sides. I'm like, "Mm-mm."
• 32:33
  It's like-
• 32:33
  "Sorry. A little salty. A little sour. A little sweet.
• 32:35
  Too sweet?"
• 32:36
  Yeah. So were they sweet?
• 32:39
  Well, I'm not sure.
• 32:40
  From your perspective. Is it California?
• 32:42
  I think I'm-
• 32:42
  Are we sweet here, or are they sweet in Florida?
• 32:45
  I think both are really nice, but maybe I'm not-
• 32:49
  Mm-hmm
• 32:49
  ... always hitting the flavor. I don't know.
• 32:52
  I guess because no one's told me.
• 32:55
  So I feel blissfully unaware in this moment.
• 32:58
  Right now, I feel joy, so I think-
• 33:01
  Yeah
• 33:01
  ... the not knowing is pleasant right now.
• 33:04
  Interesting.
• 33:04
  Yeah.
• 33:05
  You kind of have the Anna Delvey effect. Do you know that?
• 33:08
  Have you watched that on Netflix?
• 33:10
  Oh, yes, I have. Yeah.
• 33:11
  And her accent was nothing. It was just a bunch of-
• 33:15
  It was never-
• 33:15
  ... whatever she wanted it to be. Yeah.
• 33:17
  Yeah.
• 33:18
  I love it, though.
• 33:19
  Yeah.
• 33:19
  I've watched it twice.
• 33:20
  She's smart.
• 33:20
  She was. Everybody was like, "Oh, she's a criminal." Okay, call her what you want,
• 33:24
  but one thing you can't call her is dumb because she was brilliant.
• 33:28
  Yeah. She played the game. The whole thing's a game, so she played
• 33:31
  it. So I mean, I don't know. It was a good drama.
• 33:35
  Yeah.
• 33:35
  I enjoyed it. I know not all of it was true, but-
• 33:38
  Right
• 33:39
  ... it was fun.
• 33:39
  I think some of it they probably add like-
• 33:42
  Oh, they tell you at the end, all of it-
• 33:43
  Everybody-
• 33:44
  Yeah
• 33:44
  ... embellishes for TV-
• 33:46
  Yeah
• 33:47
  ... on Netflix. You know? On Netflix.
• 33:48
  I want to say they even put a disclaimer at the end, "All of this is
• 33:51
  true, except the parts that were made up."
• 33:55
  Listen. Hey-
• 33:56
  I think it says that
• 33:57
  ... that sounds like my grandson. You know what he told me?
• 33:58
  He said, "Gigi." I said, "Yes, Aries?" He said,
• 34:02
  "I just want you to know, I know what I know."
• 34:08
  Okay.
• 34:08
  All right, sir.
• 34:10
  Yes.
• 34:11
  He's five, and he knows what he knows.
• 34:14
  He knows what he knows.
• 34:15
  Yep.
• 34:15
  Okay. Then you do what you do.
• 34:17
  Yep.
• 34:18
  And be who you be.
• 34:20
  But isn't that hilarious?
• 34:21
  That's so cute.
• 34:21
  I know what I know. I'm going to start saying that.
• 34:24
  At work, "Hey, I know what I know." "And that's all I know."
• 34:28
  I like the hand with it. That gives it extra oomph. You know?
• 34:32
  I always try to find a way to give a little extra.
• 34:35
  Yeah. The people need it. They need it. It's flair.
• 34:39
  It's personality. It's fun,
• 34:42
  I think. Don't-
• 34:42
  It's memorable.
• 34:43
  It's memorable.
• 34:45
  Yeah.
• 34:45
  Yeah. It makes me want to be around you.
• 34:48
  It's like when you're walking your dog, the same people in your
• 34:52
  neighborhood-
• 34:53
  Sorry, Jackson
• 34:53
  ... do walk him-
• 34:53
  You don't get walked forever
• 34:56
  ... forever. That's abuse.
• 34:58
  But he, okay, in all fairness, he's a Yorkie.
• 35:00
  I think he just prefers to not.
• 35:03
  And he'll have hip problems.
• 35:05
  Right.
• 35:05
  Don't Yorkies have hip problems?
• 35:08
  Maybe eventually.
• 35:09
  Yeah.
• 35:09
  But for now, he holds the couch down.
• 35:12
  Oh.
• 35:12
  Yeah. Couch weight, like paperweights, but he's couch weight.
• 35:16
  He has the life.
• 35:18
  Yeah.
• 35:18
  The life. Yeah. I can pass the same neighbor all the time, and if they're just
• 35:21
  like, "Good morning," I don't remember.
• 35:23
  But I have some neighbors on the corner, and they're always like, "Hi, good
• 35:26
  morning. How's your day?"
• 35:28
  That's probably me.
• 35:34
  That's funny. Are you chippery in the morning?
• 35:37
  I love the mornings-
• 35:38
  I'm a morning person, too
• 35:39
  ... so much. You need to dial me down.
• 35:41
  You are going to have to tell me the boundary because I feel like a level 10.
• 35:46
  Oh, do you wake up loudly?
• 35:48
  No, I'm not a loud person, but I do...
• 35:52
  I'm probably like the aggressive waving.
• 35:56
  Do you stand like... Do you put your hand on your back like this when you stand
• 35:59
  outside, like Forrest Gump?
• 36:02
  "Good morning."
• 36:03
  That's funny. Well, okay, so I don't do the front porch thing,
• 36:07
  but definitely when I walk into a workspace,
• 36:11
  I'm greeting everybody, acknowledging their presence
• 36:14
  probably
• 36:16
  way more than others.
• 36:18
  Oh, that's nice. They probably appreciate it. Some.
• 36:21
  Some people are not morning people are probably like-
• 36:23
  Yeah
• 36:24
  ... "You're annoying."
• 36:24
  Yeah.
• 36:25
  I have literally had-
• 36:25
  And I'm like your cat.
• 36:26
  Yeah. I've literally had coworkers tell me that.
• 36:29
  Like, "Why are you-
• 36:30
  Did you say thank you?
• 36:31
  ... so chippery in the morning?"
• 36:32
  Mm-hmm.
• 36:32
  Like, "It's annoying." I'm, "Oh, I'm sorry.
• 36:36
  Not."
• 36:39
  And then you just move it along.
• 36:40
  Yeah.
• 36:41
  Secretly, they liked it.
• 36:44
  They do.
• 36:44
  You gave them dopamine at some level of that.
• 36:49
  That's probably why they acknowledged it.
• 36:51
  Yeah.
• 36:51
  They probably were uncomfortable because they don't get that feeling a lot.
• 36:54
  They're like-
• 36:54
  What was that?
• 36:55
  Yeah, it's called joy.
• 36:56
  Yeah. And they want to call it-
• 36:58
  That's joy
• 36:58
  ... they're like, "I thought it was more of an irritant, not joy."
• 37:02
  No.
• 37:03
  No, that's joy, honey.
• 37:04
  Yeah.
• 37:04
  You haven't had it for a while.
• 37:07
  Gosh, I wish I would've had that come back.
• 37:10
  Yeah. Oh, that's a good one.
• 37:12
  Yeah.
• 37:12
  Okay, well, another time, because it's going to happen again.
• 37:15
  Yeah, definitely.
• 37:16
  Yeah. Definitely. Yeah.
• 37:19
  We're going to have to have some... You know how they have dad jokes?
• 37:23
  Yes. I feel like I sort of
• 37:27
  do dad jokes.
• 37:28
  Oh my gosh, please don't say it. Say it ain't so, because my boyfriend-
• 37:31
  I wanted to-
• 37:31
  ... does dad jokes, and they drive me crazy.
• 37:34
  Okay. I have my moments where I'm just like, "I feel like that was possibly
• 37:38
  cheesy." And then sometimes I feel like, "I think that was cool."
• 37:42
  Kids-
• 37:42
  But if no one ever tells you, then how are you supposed to know?
• 37:45
  Well, kids will tell you.
• 37:47
  Well, I need a child.
• 37:48
  And they're funny.
• 37:48
  Is there a child in here?
• 37:50
  My kids say, "Mom, you think you're cool, but you're not."
• 37:53
  Thanks.
• 37:54
  I think I'm cool.
• 37:55
  Yeah.
• 37:55
  They're like, "But you're not."
• 37:56
  Are you kidding me?
• 37:58
  No. Kids are ruthless.
• 38:00
  They're the most dangerous gangsters on the planet.
• 38:05
  Oh my God. Okay, maybe take the child out of here. If there's a child... Okay.
• 38:09
  I don't want to know my rating. It's like they're giving you a, what's that
• 38:13
  website where the stars or the movies are rated in tomatoes?
• 38:16
  Oh, uh-huh. Rotten Tomatoes.
• 38:18
  Yeah. So rot-
• 38:19
  Kids do do that.
• 38:19
  Yeah, they're like Rotten Tomatoes.
• 38:20
  I'm going to give you-
• 38:21
  As children
• 38:21
  ... a four-star review. You know what?
• 38:24
  I was going to give you five, but that outfit you have on,
• 38:28
  definitely not doing it.
• 38:29
  Just great gangster.
• 38:30
  Yes.
• 38:31
  Oh, gosh. Well,
• 38:34
  is there a camp or a course to get better
• 38:38
  at this?
• 38:40
  No. No, you can't prepare for them, you can't. I haven't been able to.
• 38:43
  Goodness.
• 38:43
  I've tried for a long time.
• 38:46
  My sister
• 38:49
  has three kids, and her oldest daughter, well,
• 38:53
  her only daughter. She has a girl and two boys.
• 38:56
  Mm-hmm.
• 38:56
  So my niece, she just turned 12, and I was like, "Let me
• 39:00
  host a birthday party." And I have zero
• 39:04
  experience with kids, okay? Zero.
• 39:05
  I saw your post when you said you were trying to be the best auntie.
• 39:08
  Yes.
• 39:09
  Mm-hmm.
• 39:09
  Okay. So it turned out amazing. Okay, so it went really
• 39:13
  well, but in reflection, in retrospect,
• 39:17
  I was just not ready. I was not ready for this.
• 39:21
  And it's like, I just am laughing at me now, looking back
• 39:25
  to me back then, who was like, "I'm going to plan this birthday party.
• 39:29
  How hard could it be? It's just another party." What's more
• 39:33
  challenging than a kid's birthday party? Nothing.
• 39:36
  To me, I was just like, "Oh my gosh." So 12-year-old girls, I
• 39:41
  genuinely imagined
• 39:43
  this was a yoga theme, like I had cute mats, they're all matching with
• 39:47
  facial stuff, spa things. So I pictured a bunch
• 39:51
  of girls just sitting around doing pretty things and
• 39:54
  talking about boys or whatever, like
• 39:58
  giggling, right?
• 39:59
  Right.
• 40:00
  And then we do snacks that are cute and pretty, and then
• 40:04
  take your pictures. I don't know.
• 40:07
  Right.
• 40:07
  But I mean, total rookie. There was
• 40:11
  so much running, like the building was shaking, and I was-
• 40:15
  They came for you.
• 40:17
  It was so loud. There were so many screams, and it was just like,
• 40:21
  "Oh my God. Why are we screaming? Why are we running?"
• 40:25
  I was
• 40:27
  just schooled. I was straight-up schooled.
• 40:30
  Yes.
• 40:31
  I couldn't tell if these people liked each other, if they were
• 40:35
  fighting. Are they friends? I
• 40:38
  don't know.
• 40:39
  It is-
• 40:39
  It was different
• 40:40
  ... and you'll never know.
• 40:42
  You'll never know. You'll think there are times, "I have this figured
• 40:45
  out. I know who her besties are."
• 40:48
  Yeah.
• 40:48
  No.
• 40:49
  I'm like-
• 40:49
  No
• 40:49
  ... "Okay, so we don't, why is she here?
• 40:51
  We don't like her?"
• 40:52
  Right.
• 40:52
  "Should we escort her out? I'll call her mom right now."
• 40:56
  Oh, because that's rude, Mom.
• 40:58
  I don't mind it.
• 40:59
  Then why did we invite? Because it'd be rude if we didn't.
• 41:03
  But you guys don't get along. I know, but still, Mom, you
• 41:07
  don't know her.
• 41:08
  Yeah.
• 41:08
  You're so unk. That's what she calls me.
• 41:10
  So-
• 41:10
  What is... Okay
• 41:10
  ... unk is like old.
• 41:12
  Oh my gosh, you're unk?
• 41:14
  I'm unk.
• 41:15
  So then I'm also unk?
• 41:16
  Probably. She probably, they probably talk about you.
• 41:19
  Do cocktails make me less unk?
• 41:23
  No, they don't care w- what we do.
• 41:25
  Gosh, how do you get out of this?
• 41:26
  We're never welcome. We can't sit with them.
• 41:31
  They are like "Mean Girls." Have you seen the movie "Mean Girls"?
• 41:34
  Yes. I need to process this. Literally, I'm not prepared for it.
• 41:38
  It's a whole thing.
• 41:40
  It is.
• 41:42
  They're dangerous,
• 41:43
  and they don't grow out of it.
• 41:45
  I don't know who I'm more afraid of, my 26-year-old daughter or my 15-year-old
• 41:49
  daughter.
• 41:49
  I have paroxysmal fear with the seriousness of your face because you're actually
• 41:53
  that serious.
• 41:54
  I am.
• 41:55
  We're scared of teenage girls.
• 41:59
  They're
• 42:00
  dangerous.
• 42:04
  No, I believe you.
• 42:05
  You should.
• 42:06
  Yeah.
• 42:06
  I'm not lying.
• 42:07
  And then it's so funny, at the very end of the party,
• 42:13
  I was really genuinely shocked. I'm like, "So we had fun?"
• 42:18
  What'd they say?
• 42:19
  I couldn't tell. They were like, "This was the best
• 42:23
  party ever. We're going to be talking about this for
• 42:27
  like..." They just went on and on and on.
• 42:28
  I'm like, "I'm just joking with you."
• 42:31
  And you have to ask yourself, are they just saying that-
• 42:34
  Yeah
• 42:34
  ... because I'm right here?
• 42:35
  Yes. Are you just being nice because I'm your aunt?
• 42:40
  It really takes you down a journey of
• 42:43
  self-confidence.
• 42:45
  Yes. And they make you doubt yourself, like-
• 42:47
  Oh
• 42:48
  ... am I really?
• 42:48
  I'm still doubting myself.
• 42:50
  Yes.
• 42:51
  I'm like, "I think that was a good party." The pictures are cute.
• 42:55
  Everyone looks like they're smiling, but then,
• 42:58
  I don't know. I feel confused.
• 43:01
  You'll find out the real truth when she's about 17.
• 43:04
  Oh my God.
• 43:04
  Because they'll hold onto it. Right now, I'm helping my daughter plan her 16th
• 43:08
  birthday, so it's going to be Coachella theme, right?
• 43:12
  I know Coachella. I'm cool.
• 43:15
  Wrong. You do not know Coachella, and you are not cool.
• 43:19
  Oh my gosh. Did this happen, or you're planning it right now?
• 43:22
  No, we're planning it right now.
• 43:23
  Okay.
• 43:23
  Everything I show her is thumbs down.
• 43:29
  I can't
• 43:30
  even participate in this.
• 43:33
  How do they know what Coachella is like?
• 43:36
  Exactly. You're 16.
• 43:37
  They haven't been.
• 43:39
  They're like, "It's a festival, and you have to have color,
• 43:43
  and it's all this music." I'm like...
• 43:46
  Okay.
• 43:47
  What do they think about hair clips and stickers and glitter?
• 43:51
  All of it. She wants the little glow sticks.
• 43:54
  Okay.
• 43:54
  "Do you think we could get a Ferris wheel here?"
• 43:58
  Here where?
• 43:58
  I love that she has no boundaries. That is like, you really taught her
• 44:02
  to dream.
• 44:03
  Yeah.
• 44:04
  So yeah, the answer is yes. You can get a Ferris wheel anywhere.
• 44:07
  So I was-
• 44:07
  Is this my daughter?
• 44:09
  She was like, "A Ferris wheel?" I was like, "Like one you ride."
• 44:12
  "No, Mom."
• 44:14
  Which kind of-
• 44:14
  Just a really big one for photos, because that's important.
• 44:19
  So, one that's big enough to... This
• 44:23
  is so hard.
• 44:24
  She wants it to look real, but it can't be real because they're not going to ride
• 44:28
  it. They only want to take pictures by it.
• 44:30
  Okay, so we need a large stage piece, just a large
• 44:35
  piece of metal.
• 44:37
  And it can't move about.
• 44:37
  Okay.
• 44:38
  See what I'm saying?
• 44:40
  Difficult.
• 44:40
  How do people do it?
• 44:43
  They work, they run away, they hide in the bathroom.
• 44:49
  That's hilarious.
• 44:50
  Why in the bathroom? My stomach hurts.
• 44:53
  Just trying to have five minutes of peace.
• 44:55
  So you think migraines are fake, too?
• 44:58
  Absolutely, 100%.
• 44:59
  Oh my gosh. This is just, it's eye-opening, really.
• 45:03
  Yeah. So the next time you have someone says, "Hey, can you really help me out?
• 45:07
  I'm having migraines,"
• 45:09
  the first question you should ask is, "Do you have a daughter?"
• 45:14
  A preteen?
• 45:15
  Yeah. And if they say yes,
• 45:18
  just tell them they need a vacation alone.
• 45:21
  Oh my gosh. What about boys? Do you think that's easier?
• 45:24
  I think boys make you...
• 45:27
  They keep you on edge, like, "Oh my gosh, are they going to hurt themselves?" Or,
• 45:30
  "Are they going to break a leg?"
• 45:31
  Keep them alive.
• 45:31
  Yes. That's it. Just feed them and keep them alive.
• 45:37
  You're a funny mom.
• 45:39
  Seriously. Just throw food at them.
• 45:42
  See you guys later.
• 45:46
  Oh my gosh.
• 45:47
  They don't really want anything to do with you.
• 45:49
  They want nothing to-- Why? I thought they loved their moms.
• 45:53
  Because they're boys. They do.
• 45:55
  But they don't want anything to do with-- They have other things to do, like
• 45:59
  video games, eat food. They love you to death, but
• 46:03
  guess what? If you're around,
• 46:06
  you will be-
• 46:08
  ... the center of all the-- You will be the joke. How about that?
• 46:12
  It almost sounds traumatic.
• 46:15
  It is.
• 46:15
  Why are people doing this? Why are they having...
• 46:17
  I have no idea.
• 46:19
  I was on a fertility journey, but maybe I'm like, "Swerve."
• 46:23
  Just kidding. Change your mind.
• 46:24
  Park the car.
• 46:26
  You know what? I lost my keys.
• 46:28
  Some are sweet. They're sweet until third grade.
• 46:32
  Third grade.
• 46:33
  Yeah.
• 46:33
  Puberty?
• 46:35
  I don't know, but after third grade, they're...
• 46:39
  A******s?
• 46:39
  They're feral. Yeah. They're feral.
• 46:42
  That's a cleaner word. Good for you.
• 46:43
  Yeah, definitely.
• 46:47
  Well-
• 46:47
  So you might want to rethink that babysit.
• 46:50
  Well, I babysat, and it was
• 46:53
  horrible, and I'm just-
• 46:55
  And you're still on this journey.
• 46:57
  But then, your friends and family are like, "Well, it's different when it's your
• 47:01
  own." But I feel like I'm getting a real, the real-
• 47:03
  It is different when it's your own because you can't get rid of it.
• 47:06
  You can't say, "Okay, it was nice having you for these
• 47:10
  eight hours. Now I'm going to get some sleep."
• 47:12
  What if...
• 47:14
  Because you're not going to get any sleep.
• 47:16
  You can't just like...
• 47:18
  Oh my gosh. This is a lot.
• 47:20
  You have to hire a nanny.
• 47:22
  If you have a nanny-
• 47:22
  Okay, that's a solution. That's fine
• 47:24
  ... then yes.
• 47:25
  She just can't get sick.
• 47:27
  He, she, whatever, I think.
• 47:30
  Yeah.
• 47:31
  Yeah.
• 47:31
  Nanny's the answer.
• 47:33
  Yeah. People are judging us so hard right now.
• 47:36
  That's okay.
• 47:37
  Yeah, no, I'm fine with it.
• 47:38
  Yeah.
• 47:39
  I accept myself, my strengths and weaknesses. No one's perfect.
• 47:42
  Do you know what? If parents are 100% honest,
• 47:46
  they all are thinking, "I wish I had a nanny."
• 47:50
  I feel like they're mostly liars then.
• 47:52
  Yeah.
• 47:53
  "Oh, I love it." No, nobody likes waking up at-
• 47:55
  Nothing is more rewarding
• 47:56
  ... 2:00 in the morning full of throw-up. No one likes that.
• 47:58
  No, you
• 47:59
  don't.
• 48:00
  Let's be honest.
• 48:02
  You do not.
• 48:07
  Yeah.
• 48:08
  We like
• 48:10
  the cuddles. We like the-
• 48:11
  Mm-hmm
• 48:11
  ... the snuggles, the laughter, the holidays-
• 48:15
  Yeah
• 48:15
  ... cute outfits.
• 48:16
  The funny stories that you just told me-
• 48:19
  Yes
• 48:19
  ... that they say.
• 48:20
  Exactly.
• 48:21
  Yeah.
• 48:23
  My daughter thought she was a pirate.
• 48:26
  She was two years old. She'd knock on the door.
• 48:28
  "Who's there?" "It's me." "Me who?" "Me Pate."
• 48:32
  I'm all, "Okay." You know? So that's the fun
• 48:36
  part.
• 48:36
  Man, at that hour, I don't know that I would even respond.
• 48:40
  But maybe your sleep changes-
• 48:42
  It does
• 48:42
  ... as they say.
• 48:43
  I think women are made to-
• 48:48
  ... our sleep pattern. If you're a deep sleeper, once you have children-
• 48:52
  Mm-hmm
• 48:52
  ... something biologically changes in you to where you are now a light
• 48:55
  sleeper.
• 48:56
  Wow.
• 48:57
  You will hear everything.
• 48:59
  Wow, there goes your REM, there goes your memory-
• 49:01
  Yes
• 49:01
  ... there goes your deep restorative sleep.
• 49:04
  Okay.
• 49:05
  That's why we're either neurotic or depressed.
• 49:09
  It's one of the two.
• 49:10
  This is hilarious. Oh my gosh.
• 49:12
  Kids are funny.
• 49:14
  Yeah.
• 49:14
  Fun-E.
• 49:17
  I'm not sure.
• 49:18
  They're either really fun, or they have you on E. Fun-E.
• 49:21
  Oh my gosh.
• 49:22
  That's the truth.
• 49:24
  Wow. I feel like this is just a real moment for me to just-- I'm going to
• 49:27
  just take it in.
• 49:28
  You should.
• 49:29
  Yeah.
• 49:29
  If you ever want to babysit a teenager, I'll volunteer.
• 49:33
  I feel terrified a bit-
• 49:34
  You should
• 49:34
  ... of teenagers now.
• 49:36
  Yeah, they're scary.
• 49:38
  It's just confusing.
• 49:40
  They're confused.
• 49:42
  Yeah.
• 49:42
  And then they confuse us.
• 49:44
  But can't you just talk to them like...
• 49:49
  That's funny. Can't you just talk to them? Yeah.
• 49:51
  Can't you just talk to them with logic?
• 49:54
  No.
• 49:54
  Does logic get us out of this bind?
• 49:59
  It depends on the
• 50:02
  child.
• 50:04
  Okay.
• 50:05
  Because my nine-year-old-
• 50:06
  Is there anybody-
• 50:06
  ... you could give him logic.
• 50:07
  Yeah.
• 50:07
  My 26-year-old, you can give her logic.
• 50:09
  Yeah.
• 50:11
  You got it taken care of.
• 50:12
  Yeah.
• 50:13
  The other ones, you can
• 50:16
  do Pictionary, whatever.
• 50:17
  Can you just run them? Like, "You need to do a few laps.
• 50:21
  You need to do some push-ups."
• 50:22
  Oh, no.
• 50:22
  Like physical exertion.
• 50:24
  Yeah. No.
• 50:25
  No?
• 50:26
  No. Some are just feral. Like seriously, they're feral.
• 50:31
  I'm standing my ground on that. And
• 50:35
  I'm an experienced parent. I have five children.
• 50:37
  You have five children?
• 50:38
  Yes.
• 50:39
  How did this not come out before?
• 50:40
  I don't know.
• 50:41
  Where has this been the whole time? Where are they?
• 50:44
  I'm hiding them. No, I'm just kidding.
• 50:47
  My oldest is 32.
• 50:48
  I wouldn't have counted, but I genuinely didn't count as you mentioned them.
• 50:52
  Oh.
• 50:52
  Because five is an abnormal number, it's not common, right?
• 50:56
  Yeah.
• 50:56
  Most people stop at two.
• 50:58
  I had my tubes tied at three.
• 51:00
  Okay.
• 51:01
  But I had them undone, and I had two more.
• 51:03
  Oh, wow.
• 51:04
  So my-
• 51:05
  That's love
• 51:06
  ... my doctor said...
• 51:07
  I said, "I know I should be analyzed.
• 51:10
  I'm probably a little psychotic or insane." She goes, "Or you're
• 51:14
  courageous." She goes, "But with that being said, sometimes to
• 51:18
  be courageous, you have to have some moments of insanity."
• 51:22
  I was like, "Are you complimenting me or not?
• 51:25
  I don't know what's going on here."
• 51:27
  She's a teenager. How old was this doctor?
• 51:31
  She's retired now.
• 51:34
  And I was like, "Okay."
• 51:34
  Oh my God.
• 51:36
  So-
• 51:37
  Can we just be straight up around here?
• 51:39
  That's why I try to be just straight. Like, what?
• 51:44
  These conversations.
• 51:46
  It's crazy. Life is crazy.
• 51:48
  It's just so confusing, like the sugarcoating and
• 51:52
  just-
• 51:53
  With everything.
• 51:55
  Yeah. It's like she was saying yes, she was validating you nicely-
• 51:59
  Yes
• 51:59
  ... softly,
• 52:01
  when you're like, "No, this is psychotic, right?"
• 52:03
  Yes.
• 52:04
  And she's like, "No, because I would never use that language, but
• 52:07
  slightly insane."
• 52:09
  Yes. If I was her, I'd be like, "What is wrong with you?"
• 52:14
  Gosh.
• 52:14
  Yeah, I agree, you need a psych eval. I agree 100%.
• 52:18
  I would've been that doctor.
• 52:19
  Wait. Okay, what was your age again?
• 52:21
  So that was 16 years ago, so
• 52:24
  I don't know. So I was probably 31.
• 52:27
  With your fifth s**t. Okay.
• 52:28
  Yeah.
• 52:29
  Wow.
• 52:30
  Interesting. Okay.
• 52:33
  Well, hey-
• 52:35
  I love my kids
• 52:36
  ... she did a good job.
• 52:38
  I love my kids when I'm not trying to strangle them. Just kidding.
• 52:42
  I literally wouldn't strangle my kids.
• 52:44
  CPS.
• 52:44
  Right.
• 52:45
  Are there lights and sirens?
• 52:47
  I get home, they're there. I'm like, "Oh."
• 52:50
  Like, "Oh, hey. So, what I meant was..."
• 52:54
  That's a metaphor, metaphor.
• 52:56
  Yeah. Yeah. I know.
• 52:58
  You can't really-
• 52:59
  It's hard, huh?
• 53:00
  Life is... The world has just changed a lot.
• 53:03
  Yeah. I can imagine. I feel like I'm barely grown up.
• 53:07
  I'm raising myself right now.
• 53:10
  I
• 53:12
  know that you said you just shift, so I just would expect the shift to
• 53:16
  happen.
• 53:17
  Mm-hmm.
• 53:17
  But then what if it just doesn't happen?
• 53:21
  Well,
• 53:22
  just act feral. They do it. It works for them. Why can't we?
• 53:27
  We're just going to wing it.
• 53:28
  I love it.
• 53:29
  It didn't happen for me, so we're just going to wing it from here on out.
• 53:31
  I love it. That's why I guess there's mom groups, and there's
• 53:35
  girls' night out.
• 53:36
  There's certain things that click, but honestly,
• 53:40
  everybody, it's their first time being a parent.
• 53:42
  Yeah.
• 53:43
  Nobody was born a parent, so everybody has to go through that.
• 53:47
  Yeah.
• 53:47
  And honestly, I don't know if it still clicked for me.
• 53:52
  I kind of analyze some things sometimes.
• 53:54
  I was like,
• 53:56
  "Should I really have woken up when she fell down those stairs?" Or,
• 54:00
  "They said I was going to be a light sleeper, but I ran out.
• 54:03
  I didn't hear that."
• 54:07
  Oh my gosh.
• 54:08
  I'm just kidding.
• 54:08
  Yeah. There's no rules.
• 54:10
  No.
• 54:10
  It's just figure it out.
• 54:12
  Keep them alive, figure it out, and hope for the best.
• 54:15
  I think that's what makes it hard for a lot of women, because honestly, they
• 54:19
  read these books, and they're like-
• 54:20
  Yeah
• 54:20
  ... "This is how it's all going to happen-
• 54:22
  Mm-hmm
• 54:22
  ... and it's not happening for me that way." And then they beat themselves up.
• 54:25
  Yeah.
• 54:26
  And you can't.
• 54:27
  Yeah.
• 54:27
  With motherhood, you have to laugh through the whole thing.
• 54:31
  You're doing a good job of it. I love the stories-
• 54:34
  Yeah
• 54:34
  ...
• 54:35
  that you shared with me.
• 54:37
  Between me, my sister, and brother, I definitely see the
• 54:41
  differences in how we were raised.
• 54:42
  It's dramatically different, and so it's funny
• 54:46
  to circle back as an adult and just talk.
• 54:51
  My reflection is just wildly different.
• 54:54
  And so, I'm the firstborn, so
• 54:58
  I had the strictest experience. I was highly regulated,
• 55:02
  right? My food was very specific and healthy, and like-
• 55:06
  I don't know. My sister, she had asthma, so
• 55:11
  everything was catered to her because she was like, "Don't upset her."
• 55:15
  Mm-hmm.
• 55:15
  "She'll have an asthma attack."
• 55:17
  Right.
• 55:17
  She was always the one that was, I don't know, she's had a different experience.
• 55:21
  And then my brother, he's the prized child, because he's the boy.
• 55:25
  So,
• 55:28
  yeah, it's just different.
• 55:30
  It's funny that you say that because
• 55:34
  you can have a set of siblings, right,
• 55:37
  that were raised by both the same parents.
• 55:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 55:39
  And they all have a different perspective-
• 55:41
  Yeah
• 55:42
  ... of how their childhood was.
• 55:43
  Yeah.
• 55:45
  I wish somebody would document, just record your whole life.
• 55:49
  Yeah.
• 55:50
  Right? It could be done now. Maybe not back then, but-
• 55:52
  Right
• 55:52
  ... it can be done now. Just document.
• 55:55
  And did the parents really change, or is it just
• 55:59
  their perception-
• 56:00
  Different
• 56:00
  ... the kids' perception-
• 56:01
  Yeah
• 56:01
  ... of how they think things were? Because my kids, they will
• 56:05
  swear that I only like my oldest.
• 56:08
  Don't you think there's always a favorite, though?
• 56:10
  There is.
• 56:11
  No one's even listening. Tell me
• 56:13
  No, I'm very honest with this. So, I always say parents who say they
• 56:17
  don't have a favorite are not being truthful.
• 56:19
  Yeah.
• 56:20
  And having a favorite child doesn't mean you love them
• 56:24
  more. That doesn't.
• 56:26
  Yeah.
• 56:26
  It means you can relate with them more.
• 56:28
  Yeah.
• 56:28
  You can empathize with them more.
• 56:30
  Yeah.
• 56:30
  You can cry with them.
• 56:32
  Yeah.
• 56:32
  You understand each other.
• 56:34
  Yeah.
• 56:34
  That's why my favorite is my favorite.
• 56:36
  Yeah.
• 56:36
  But I love all my children the same.
• 56:38
  Yeah.
• 56:38
  But am I going to try to,
• 56:42
  "Hey, I want you to understand this is what I'm going through." Because they're
• 56:45
  going to be like,
• 56:46
  "You're not cool. Can you leave us alone?
• 56:48
  We're trying to listen to this music video."
• 56:52
  She's going to be not cool.
• 56:52
  And my oldest will be like, "Tell me what's going on.
• 56:55
  I'll listen to you."
• 56:56
  Oh my God. That's so everything.
• 56:59
  Yeah.
• 56:59
  What a sweetheart.
• 57:01
  But the other ones are just like, "Bye, lady."
• 57:03
  They're like, "Hope you-
• 57:03
  "Did you bring pizza?"
• 57:04
  ... hope you figure it out."
• 57:06
  Yeah.
• 57:06
  "Good luck." It's like, what?
• 57:09
  Exactly.
• 57:10
  Oh my God, that's just wild.
• 57:13
  Yeah.
• 57:14
  Yeah.
• 57:15
  It is.
• 57:15
  Wow. Yeah, I feel like
• 57:18
  now circling back, with
• 57:21
  my relationship with my parents, it's unique because my dad,
• 57:25
  he's 90, but
• 57:28
  I feel like he gets me, so I don't have to say as much.
• 57:32
  Mm-hmm.
• 57:32
  I feel like there's a lot that, like you're saying, there's a language,
• 57:36
  right, and a style. So he's an easy,
• 57:40
  low-maintenance relationship to me.
• 57:42
  But a higher maintenance relationship where there's like, we've got
• 57:46
  walls to climb-
• 57:47
  Right
• 57:48
  ... is my mom, and she's the sweetest thing.
• 57:51
  She is so sweet. Her intentions are so good, I
• 57:55
  think. But it's like I speak a different
• 57:58
  language to her, and I
• 58:01
  feel
• 58:02
  gravely misunderstood
• 58:04
  all the time in every conversation to where it feels like
• 58:08
  work.
• 58:09
  Right.
• 58:09
  And I don't know what to do with that.
• 58:12
  You-
• 58:12
  Good intentions, but misunderstandings,
• 58:16
  constant.
• 58:17
  It's probably because you guys have different personalities.
• 58:20
  Yeah.
• 58:21
  I feel like that with my oldest daughter.
• 58:23
  Yeah.
• 58:24
  And
• 58:25
  she is a lot smarter than me.
• 58:27
  I'm just going to be honest. She's wired different than I am.
• 58:31
  But is she looking down on you, judging you like you're an idiot?
• 58:34
  Am I doing that?
• 58:35
  I think so, maybe.
• 58:37
  Yeah. If I'm being honest, I do
• 58:41
  think so.
• 58:42
  Does that make her-
• 58:43
  Or she just feels-
• 58:43
  Like-
• 58:44
  ... frustrated, like-
• 58:45
  Yeah
• 58:45
  ... "Oh, my mom just doesn't get it."
• 58:46
  My mom doesn't get it.
• 58:48
  I feel frustration.
• 58:50
  See? Oh my God.
• 58:50
  Yeah.
• 58:51
  Maybe you guys could call each other.
• 58:53
  No, but okay, so we could call each other, and we could talk all day.
• 58:57
  No, I'm saying you and my daughter.
• 58:58
  Oh, yeah. Okay, no.
• 58:59
  But how are we going to help our moms understand us?
• 59:01
  No, we would say, I think the answer would
• 59:05
  be that we're just
• 59:07
  nice, and there's some level
• 59:11
  of accepting that we're not going to fully
• 59:15
  reach each other, and
• 59:18
  I don't need you to fully understand, and just, I don't know,
• 59:22
  somewhat just niceties.
• 59:24
  Were you always independent as a kid?
• 59:25
  And that makes me cringe. Yes, I was.
• 59:28
  So-
• 59:29
  The niceties gross me out. That's why I feel like so, it feels-
• 59:33
  You don't like hugs?
• 59:34
  No, I
• 59:36
  don't know.
• 59:37
  My daughter will literally-
• 59:39
  I'm not-
• 59:39
  ... tense up
• 59:40
  ... I guess, really used to them.
• 59:41
  That's how she is.
• 59:42
  Yeah. I like my space. I feel like a spatial awareness, and
• 59:46
  anybody bumping me, it gravely bothers me.
• 59:49
  Oh, yeah. See, I think it probably comes from you guys being
• 59:53
  so independent that-
• 59:54
  Yeah
• 59:54
  ... as moms, you're busy with other children, and you're like, "I don't have to
• 59:58
  worry about that one because that one's not-
• 1:00:00
  Yeah
• 1:00:00
  ... going to burn the house down, she can do a dress herself."
• 1:00:01
  Since I was 17, I've been on my own. I've been out there working-
• 1:00:04
  Yeah
• 1:00:04
  ... having several jobs, doing my thing.
• 1:00:06
  So whenever I am in, let's say, the kitchen, and we're
• 1:00:11
  doing things,
• 1:00:12
  just even where you step and move, I'm like-
• 1:00:14
  Right
• 1:00:14
  ... "Okay, can you step over there?
• 1:00:16
  Can you-
• 1:00:17
  Yeah.
• 1:00:17
  "Let me invite you to the side."
• 1:00:21
  I think, we
• 1:00:23
  can't read
• 1:00:26
  you. We don't know when you're in need of something.
• 1:00:29
  Rather, it is-
• 1:00:30
  Yes
• 1:00:31
  ... some space-
• 1:00:32
  Yes
• 1:00:32
  ... a hug-
• 1:00:33
  Yes
• 1:00:33
  ... or understanding.
• 1:00:34
  Yes.
• 1:00:34
  Because-
• 1:00:35
  Ooh, that's-
• 1:00:35
  ... you've been so independent
• 1:00:36
  ... so exactly it. Yes. But, I guess I would say,
• 1:00:41
  "Hey, I'm not okay. I'm really hurting." I feel like I
• 1:00:45
  use my words. I don't know. But then maybe she hasn't caught that
• 1:00:48
  pattern.
• 1:00:49
  Right. Or maybe she hears something different.
• 1:00:53
  Yeah.
• 1:00:53
  When you say, "I'm really not doing okay," maybe she thinks that means,
• 1:00:57
  "Leave me alone."
• 1:00:58
  Interesting.
• 1:00:59
  When you could be meaning, "Just give me a hug."
• 1:01:02
  Yeah.
• 1:01:02
  You know?
• 1:01:03
  Yeah.
• 1:01:04
  Okay. No, that's so helpful, honestly, because it is
• 1:01:07
  literally climbing a wall, and it's so much good intention,
• 1:01:11
  but I'm like
• 1:01:13
  OMG
• 1:01:14
  I'm telling you, parenting's hard. It's the hardest thing ever.
• 1:01:17
  Maybe I was the a*****e kid.
• 1:01:20
  Well, I'm not going to say.
• 1:01:24
  Yep.
• 1:01:25
  I'm not going to say.
• 1:01:26
  For sure.
• 1:01:28
  She probably prays for you, your poor mom. She probably prays for your peace.
• 1:01:30
  Oh, no, she did.
• 1:01:32
  She thought I was going to be a total loser.
• 1:01:36
  I was the one that she worried the most, that she cried the most about.
• 1:01:39
  Aw.
• 1:01:40
  Yeah.
• 1:01:41
  But I always knew I was going to not be,
• 1:01:45
  I guess, a loser, but
• 1:01:49
  whatever definition goes with that, whatever she imagined
• 1:01:53
  would be the worst-case scenario model.
• 1:01:55
  She probably didn't think you were going to be a loser.
• 1:01:57
  She probably thought, "I hope she doesn't make the wrong
• 1:02:00
  decisions."
• 1:02:02
  Constantly, yeah.
• 1:02:04
  I think that's every parent's-
• 1:02:06
  Yeah
• 1:02:07
  ... worry.
• 1:02:07
  Yeah.
• 1:02:08
  Don't want you to make the wrong decisions, don't want you to learn the hard way.
• 1:02:13
  But it's like watching a child run
• 1:02:16
  into oncoming traffic.
• 1:02:17
  Ugh, okay, yeah.
• 1:02:18
  As they become older.
• 1:02:19
  Yeah.
• 1:02:20
  It's like you can watch it, but there's nothing you can do about it.
• 1:02:22
  Yeah.
• 1:02:23
  You're too far away.
• 1:02:24
  Yeah.
• 1:02:24
  Because now they're older, and you don't really have a say in their life, or
• 1:02:28
  they're trying-
• 1:02:28
  Yeah
• 1:02:28
  ... to find their own independence.
• 1:02:30
  Yes.
• 1:02:30
  And then you're kind of just sad, like, "What happened to my baby?"
• 1:02:33
  Yeah, no, that's what I feel like I'm experiencing.
• 1:02:36
  And then she's trying to figure out where she clicks into that, because I
• 1:02:39
  don't need mothering.
• 1:02:42
  She brought me almonds, and she's like, "Here, make sure you eat 12." And I'm like,
• 1:02:45
  "Okay.
• 1:02:47
  I shall eat 12."
• 1:02:49
  Can I tell you something, though? As a mom, you
• 1:02:53
  don't see your children as adults.
• 1:02:56
  That's how I feel. I feel like a child.
• 1:02:58
  I literally look at my daughter at times, and I'm like,
• 1:03:02
  "You look just like you did in second grade."
• 1:03:05
  Yeah. I think that look is exactly what I'm experiencing, and it
• 1:03:08
  feels so strange because I'm like, "I don't know
• 1:03:12
  what to do with that," but like your other kid, "I hope you figure it out."
• 1:03:18
  Hey.
• 1:03:18
  And that's horrible.
• 1:03:20
  Yeah.
• 1:03:20
  And it's not a lack of love, because the love is there, but it's just the
• 1:03:24
  interaction. A basic
• 1:03:28
  low level of me being a human,
• 1:03:32
  I'm just like,
• 1:03:33
  "Okay." It's hard. It definitely is hard, and it's not
• 1:03:37
  a natural flow.
• 1:03:39
  So, you're like, "It's hard being a daughter." She's like, "It's hard being a mom."
• 1:03:42
  Yeah.
• 1:03:43
  Life is hard.
• 1:03:44
  Yeah. Oh my goodness, yeah. But definitely, there's
• 1:03:48
  appreciation and-
• 1:03:49
  Right
• 1:03:49
  ... love there, so the basics
• 1:03:54
  are still covered with the rest of the things that matter.
• 1:03:57
  So is it more comfortable for you to have conversations with your dad
• 1:04:01
  and just kind of be around him?
• 1:04:03
  Yeah.
• 1:04:06
  I am not team dad.
• 1:04:08
  Not your dad, just dads in general, because I'm a mom.
• 1:04:11
  Yeah, if you were to put this into a physics
• 1:04:14
  category or an energy
• 1:04:17
  space that has math, and you're doing this
• 1:04:20
  equation because you have this gigantic chalkboard, and you're like,
• 1:04:23
  "Okay, now energy can't be created or destroyed." So, the end of this
• 1:04:27
  equation is that it takes more energy with Mom than it does with Dad.
• 1:04:30
  Yeah.
• 1:04:31
  That's the math.
• 1:04:32
  And a lot of it, too, is because men don't generally have
• 1:04:36
  to discipline, or
• 1:04:39
  they're not going to nag their daughter to, "Hey, brush your teeth, wear clean
• 1:04:43
  clothes."
• 1:04:43
  Zero nagging.
• 1:04:44
  Yeah.
• 1:04:44
  Just support.
• 1:04:46
  Yep.
• 1:04:47
  And that is nice.
• 1:04:50
  Yeah, but moms probably would've loved that role.
• 1:04:55
  I'm telling you. You know what I mean?
• 1:04:56
  Interesting.
• 1:04:58
  Yeah. Okay, but then at some point, you can transition, though,
• 1:05:02
  right? You don't have to always stay there, because at some point,
• 1:05:06
  when your kids age out... Do we age?
• 1:05:09
  No, you don't.
• 1:05:10
  You get to age out?
• 1:05:10
  You don't age out.
• 1:05:12
  Geez.
• 1:05:12
  Haven't you heard the country song, "You'll Always Be My Baby?"
• 1:05:14
  No.
• 1:05:14
  That's the reality.
• 1:05:16
  I want to age out.
• 1:05:17
  You're not. You don't get to.
• 1:05:18
  Okay.
• 1:05:19
  So.
• 1:05:20
  I feel like I'm 12 right now.
• 1:05:22
  You don't get to age out. Your mom's always going to be your mom, and she's never
• 1:05:25
  going to
• 1:05:26
  see you as a full-grown independent adult.
• 1:05:29
  No.
• 1:05:29
  She'll know it.
• 1:05:30
  I'm not a doctor. Yeah.
• 1:05:31
  Yeah.
• 1:05:32
  Yeah. But oddly, whenever she actually does call me Dr.
• 1:05:35
  Savelli, I'm like, "Can you stop?"
• 1:05:39
  See? You don't know what you want either. See what I'm saying about confusion?
• 1:05:43
  No, it's high maintenance. I'm like, "Can you just be normal?"
• 1:05:47
  Kids are confused, therefore, they make the parents confused.
• 1:05:50
  My gosh. I am the teenager.
• 1:05:53
  This is interesting. Okay, psychoanalyze me,
• 1:05:57
  Angelina.
• 1:05:58
  No, you got the psycho part.
• 1:06:01
  Can we delete this?
• 1:06:02
  All right. I want nobody to know my real truth.
• 1:06:05
  You wanted the truth.
• 1:06:07
  Oh, well, thank you so much for coming on.
• 1:06:09
  I know it's-
• 1:06:09
  Of course
• 1:06:09
  ... pretty late, but is there anything that if somebody did want to reach you, is
• 1:06:13
  there any contact information that you'd want to provide?
• 1:06:17
  Well, I have the website. Anyone can go to Candor Consulting, and when you put
• 1:06:21
  Bakersfield, I automatically populate through there, and
• 1:06:25
  my phone number's on there, and they can reach me that way.
• 1:06:27
  That's C-A-N-D-O-R?
• 1:06:29
  Yeah.
• 1:06:29
  Candor?
• 1:06:30
  Candor.
• 1:06:30
  Okay.
• 1:06:30
  Talked about honesty, transparency.
• 1:06:34
  It's all in the name.
• 1:06:35
  Just my flavor. I love it.
• 1:06:37
  Well, thank you so much.
• 1:06:38
  Thank you.
• 1:06:38
  Hope you guys enjoyed listening, and that's White Coat Black Sheep.