Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Think I Have My Life Together. So Why Do I Always Get Friend Zoned?”

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Ask Amy & T.J.: “I Think I Have My Life Together. So Why Do I Always Get Friend Zoned?” · I Do, Part 2

0:01
Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. One of our listeners, Brian, he wrote
0:05
Speaker 1: in Josh with a dating dilemma. See, even though he
0:09
Speaker 1: seems to have all his issue together, he keeps getting
0:13
Speaker 1: friend zoned time and time again by women he's interested in.
0:19
Speaker 1: So what should he do? My first thought was, hey man,
0:21
Speaker 1: hang in there, robox. First thought, confidence is sexy. You
0:26
Speaker 1: should get some And welcome to this Ask Amy and
0:29
Speaker 1: DJ edition of Amy and TJ.
0:32
Speaker 2: Rose.
0:33
Speaker 1: This was a I don't know. This was one that
0:36
Speaker 1: my my heart sank a little bit just in hearing
0:39
Speaker 1: what he was describing.
0:40
Speaker 2: That has to suck, that's right. He sounded like he's
0:43
Speaker 2: a nice guy who has a good job and is
0:46
Speaker 2: ready for a partner and he just can't find the
0:50
Speaker 2: right woman who is attracted to him. He said, they
0:53
Speaker 2: all want to be his friend, they just don't want
0:56
Speaker 2: to date him, and it's been devastating to him.
0:58
Speaker 1: All right, And this was the question the came into
1:00
Speaker 1: us and we answered on our weekly Yahoo dot com
1:04
Speaker 1: column that you can find in the life section get
1:06
Speaker 1: the Ask Amy and TJ column where we give all
1:09
Speaker 1: kinds of folks just relationship advice. It doesn't have to
1:11
Speaker 1: be romantic relationship, but a friendship, for a relationship with
1:15
Speaker 1: a family member, whatever. Maybe, but this was a new
1:17
Speaker 1: one that came in this week. Do you think can
1:19
Speaker 1: I ask this before we get into his full question?
1:22
Speaker 1: Does it sound familiar?
1:23
Speaker 2: I guess?
1:23
Speaker 1: Would this be the same for a man and a woman?
1:25
Speaker 1: Do women? Women say it differently? Or they say I
1:30
Speaker 1: don't get friend zoned, I can't find a man, I
1:32
Speaker 1: can't find a good man. It sounds different with women.
1:35
Speaker 2: I think when the way, Yeah, I don't hear women
1:37
Speaker 2: saying they get friendzoned. I hear women saying that they
1:42
Speaker 2: can't attract the right guy. They say they can't attract
1:48
Speaker 2: a loyal man. They say they keep getting cheated on
1:52
Speaker 2: or broken up with. So it's more like that where
1:54
Speaker 2: they're being duped. They believe the relationship is one thing
1:57
Speaker 2: and it actually wasn't as important to their partners they
2:01
Speaker 2: as it was to them. So it's similar but characterized
2:05
Speaker 2: slightly differently. They're the victims, and I think a lot
2:08
Speaker 2: of it that's true, and the men just feel like
2:10
Speaker 2: they never get to the level they want to get
2:13
Speaker 2: to with the woman.
2:14
Speaker 1: So I think I heard you right. Women have options,
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Speaker 1: they don't like what they have and men can't get
2:20
Speaker 1: what they want.
2:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, that might be a good way to put it,
2:23
Speaker 2: because I'm thinking about.
2:24
Speaker 1: The way you put it in thinking about Brian here,
2:26
Speaker 1: but we should give the full context in his full
2:28
Speaker 1: question to us.
2:29
Speaker 2: All Right, here was Brian's question to us Amy and TJ.
2:32
Speaker 2: I try to attract a partner, but I'm always told
2:35
Speaker 2: you're so nice. I don't want to ruin our friendship. Oof.
2:40
Speaker 2: I own a few cars, I run a music store,
2:43
Speaker 2: and I play live music frequently. I'd like to think
2:46
Speaker 2: I have it together and that would be attractive, but
2:48
Speaker 2: there's been no prospect for romance since college. Until recently.
2:53
Speaker 2: I met a woman who seemed amazing. She was in
2:56
Speaker 2: my city to get her PhD. And we played music together.
2:59
Speaker 2: But she'd look for greener pastures, and she did off
3:04
Speaker 2: she went after graduating. Despite my accomplishments, my love life
3:08
Speaker 2: is always lacking. I'm trying, but it's hard when every
3:12
Speaker 2: time I seek out love, the world just strikes back.
3:16
Speaker 2: How do I keep putting myself out there? Brian?
3:20
Speaker 1: Okay, you went through comments that so far we're getting
3:24
Speaker 1: from readers. Do you have before we get into what
3:27
Speaker 1: we think and before we actually need to break this
3:29
Speaker 1: down and his question almost line by line. What's the
3:33
Speaker 1: general sense of the responses in the reaction people were
3:36
Speaker 1: having to his question.
3:38
Speaker 2: Well, a lot of some people, a lot of guys
3:40
Speaker 2: were writing and saying, hey, hang in there, and all
3:42
Speaker 2: these women who are rejecting you will be divorced in
3:45
Speaker 2: their forties and you'll be able to reject them back.
3:47
Speaker 2: So that I saw a lot of that. I saw
3:51
Speaker 2: some people questioning whether or not he had good hygiene,
3:54
Speaker 2: or whether or not he took care of himself physically enough.
3:58
Speaker 2: Maybe he needs to lose weight, Maybe he needs to
3:59
Speaker 2: see dentist. I mean, people were trying to say that
4:02
Speaker 2: maybe physically he's lacking. So I saw a lot of that,
4:05
Speaker 2: and then I just probably some of the best advice
4:10
Speaker 2: I thought was to change his attitude. And it's kind
4:12
Speaker 2: of like what you have said before. Don't chase attract basically,
4:18
Speaker 2: don't be so nice. Don't maybe don't return a text
4:21
Speaker 2: the second you get one. Maybe string them along a
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Speaker 2: little play a little bit of a game, be a
4:26
Speaker 2: little bit of a bad boy.
4:28
Speaker 1: Some of that was recommended.
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Speaker 2: Yes advice, Okay, yes, okay, I.
4:31
Speaker 1: Will admit that now I am seeing this differently because
4:36
Speaker 1: when we usually give our answers, we're sitting with someone
4:38
Speaker 1: and producer. We don't get a chance to necessarily just
4:41
Speaker 1: look and study the question and read the lines over
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Speaker 1: and over. Okay, I'm looking at this differently now. The
4:47
Speaker 1: way he starts out, I'm trying to attract a part
4:49
Speaker 1: in a front. Fie, fie, don't want to ruin our friendship,
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Speaker 1: is what the usually say. The first thing he lists
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Speaker 1: as an attribute, a good characteristic, something positive. I want
4:58
Speaker 1: you to know about.
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Speaker 2: Myself is I own a few cars.
5:01
Speaker 1: That's not a good sign, baby, for what reason? What
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Speaker 1: anybody who is pitching themselves to someone to be a
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Speaker 1: good mate with starts with I own a few cars.
5:13
Speaker 2: I guess he's trying to say he has decent money.
5:16
Speaker 1: Okay, who starts with I own a few cars.
5:23
Speaker 2: That's a good point, sweetheart.
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Speaker 1: There's no one you would ever meet to say, hey,
5:28
Speaker 1: I'm I'm TJ. Hey that's going on. I'm doing well?
5:31
Speaker 1: You know, I own a few cars. This is how
5:34
Speaker 1: he's introducing himself to us.
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Speaker 2: At least, he's trying to pitch himself that to us
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Speaker 2: and to the readers that he's got his life together.
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Speaker 2: Enough where he owns more than one car. I think
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Speaker 2: he's trying to say that's part of his value or
5:46
Speaker 2: what he could offer some.
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Speaker 1: Okay, you just said something important part of his value.
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Speaker 1: I think this guy might not be valuing.
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Speaker 2: Himself the right way exactly.
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Speaker 1: It's and that leads to a lot of the problem.
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Speaker 1: I am stuck right now, sweetheart, nothing more than I
6:01
Speaker 1: own a few cars.
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Speaker 2: He might be thinking of this now at this point
6:04
Speaker 2: because he's frustrated as transactional, give you that, and so
6:09
Speaker 2: he's putting out what he can offer someone based on
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Speaker 2: something that the world or society values, which is money,
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Speaker 2: wealth status. He has a good job, he doesn't just
6:20
Speaker 2: own it. He runs a music store, he says, and
6:23
Speaker 2: he plays music, so he's got talent. He has money,
6:27
Speaker 2: but something's missing and he doesn't know what.
6:30
Speaker 1: Okay, so now let's go to the next thing. To
6:32
Speaker 1: your point, it seemed more natural to say I play
6:36
Speaker 1: live music frequently. That sounds like a cooler part of
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Speaker 1: his personality in the fact he owns a few cars.
6:41
Speaker 1: He moves on to say I'd like to think I
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Speaker 1: have it together and that that would be attractive.
6:48
Speaker 2: Meaning he doesn't think he's attractive.
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Speaker 1: Okay, we are breaking this down in his words, we
6:53
Speaker 1: don't know this guy. This is all we're working with.
6:55
Speaker 1: But to those two things sting and actually break your
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Speaker 1: heart a little more than some of what he's explaining.
7:03
Speaker 1: I am pitching myself. Guys, there's nothing wrong with me.
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Speaker 1: I own cars, I have it together, and wouldn't that
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Speaker 1: be attractive? Yes, yes, yes, yes is the answer. Absolutely.
7:14
Speaker 1: But you make a point robes throughout the article and
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Speaker 1: saying man confidence is a big deal.
7:20
Speaker 2: It really is. And I think, look, I also don't
7:24
Speaker 2: know what kind of women he is going after or
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Speaker 2: who he is attracted to. I think sometimes maybe we
7:32
Speaker 2: don't know, but maybe he's being unrealistic about who he
7:35
Speaker 2: is attracted to versus who he might actually be be attracting.
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Speaker 2: So there might be a disparity between the two. I
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Speaker 2: hate to even make it sound like that, but oftentimes
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Speaker 2: he might want something he might be not playing in
7:54
Speaker 2: the field he should be playing. And if that makes
7:55
Speaker 2: any sense to you, like he might want someone who
7:57
Speaker 2: is unattainable, like his friends might go you don't have
8:01
Speaker 2: a shot with her or whatever. I don't know where
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Speaker 2: he's putting him.
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Speaker 1: Sound like he's sound like you're trying to be nice
8:05
Speaker 1: about something that people talk about openly in private but
8:09
Speaker 1: never openly in public.
8:11
Speaker 2: Right?
8:11
Speaker 1: Right? Was the thing you see a really hot girl
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Speaker 1: with an okay guy where they say he outkicked his coverage.
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Speaker 2: Oh, I would say most people would say he must
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Speaker 2: be wealthy.
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Speaker 1: Okay, But I'm saying if you're looking at a guy
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Speaker 1: and you're saying take the wealth out of it. If
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Speaker 1: you're looking at someone you don't think they are physically
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Speaker 1: matched because one is more attractive generally speaking than the other,
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Speaker 1: you do you then question, well, what is his value?
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Speaker 1: Or he must be rich, is what you're saying. I
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Speaker 1: don't know what this guy. Of course, we don't know
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Speaker 1: what this guy looks like, but he is talking to
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Speaker 1: us in a way that makes it seem like he's
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Speaker 1: not confident in what he looks like, which makes him
8:51
Speaker 1: then not confident in who he actually is, which makes
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Speaker 1: him then what put more value in the wrong damn thing? Yeah,
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Speaker 1: you ain't attracting nothing. You pull up in the dopest
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Speaker 1: car ever with no confidence in thinking that she likes
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Speaker 1: you because of that car. Even I've seen the rom
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Speaker 1: com where that doesn't.
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Speaker 2: Work exactly exactly. And my advice to him was to
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Speaker 2: work on himself, to stop trying to find a woman
9:15
Speaker 2: or attract a person, or get someone to like him,
9:18
Speaker 2: but instead this sounds really cheesy, but to like himself,
9:21
Speaker 2: to lean into what he likes about himself, he loves
9:25
Speaker 2: to perform. Really, just get into that and find your
9:29
Speaker 2: strength and your value in that and how you treat
9:32
Speaker 2: other people and who you are as a human. And
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Speaker 2: when you start actually investing in those beautiful things about yourself,
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Speaker 2: you are a more beautiful human and that is attractive. Period.
9:42
Speaker 2: And so instead of thinking about what he has, or
9:45
Speaker 2: maybe even what he doesn't have, if he invests in
9:47
Speaker 2: who he is, how he treats people, what his talents are,
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Speaker 2: what he does offer the world, not just someone in
9:53
Speaker 2: a transactional way in a relationship, but actually just as
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Speaker 2: a valuable human being, the right woman will actually acknowledge
10:00
Speaker 2: that and not just accept it, but appreciate it and
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Speaker 2: love him for it. And that is I know it sounds,
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Speaker 2: perhaps you know, aspirational, but I think that's actually true.
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Speaker 2: I think that's actually a truth. Confidence is sexy. Confidence
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Speaker 2: for the right reasons, not confidence because of what you drive,
10:19
Speaker 2: or confidence because how much money you have, but confidence
10:21
Speaker 2: in who you are as a person and how you
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Speaker 2: treat yourself and other people.
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Speaker 1: The world strikes back. That's a tough line in there
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Speaker 1: as well. And again, I'm looking at this so differently, and
10:30
Speaker 1: now that we're able to see it in front of
10:31
Speaker 1: him and read it over and over and over, the
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Speaker 1: world strikes back when he tries to seek out love.
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Speaker 1: This sounds like a guy who's had real disappointment Like
10:39
Speaker 1: this sounds like a genuine dude who's gone through it.
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Speaker 1: I just hate not say it to you all the
10:44
Speaker 1: time that people don't realize how close they are to
10:46
Speaker 1: success when they decided to quit, and that's why you're
10:49
Speaker 1: a failure. I just don't want this guy to just
10:52
Speaker 1: say the hell with it, or maybe let himself go,
10:55
Speaker 1: or maybe who knows what kind of destructive spiral he
10:58
Speaker 1: could get into if he thinks he's being reach constantly.
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Speaker 2: The hope would be that he could do the opposite,
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Speaker 2: that he could start taking this time instead of searching
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Speaker 2: and seeking and chasing and frustrat like and wondering, just
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Speaker 2: to stop all of it, to stop looking and to
11:12
Speaker 2: start investing in yourself. And when you do that, that's
11:15
Speaker 2: when good things happen. That's when beautiful things happen, when
11:18
Speaker 2: things come to you.
11:19
Speaker 1: How do you ever have the difficult conversation about I mean,
11:22
Speaker 1: I know some people joked here. We can into some
11:24
Speaker 1: of their comments joking, but only half jokingly. Is he
11:28
Speaker 1: putting his best foot forward? Is he taking care of
11:30
Speaker 1: himself and presenting himself publicly in a way that would
11:34
Speaker 1: cause people to notice for the right reasons. Again, I
11:37
Speaker 1: know people always want to say, be who I am.
11:39
Speaker 1: You're not gonna acceect me. Okay, that's fine, but you're
11:42
Speaker 1: also going to attract what you're putting out. And if
11:44
Speaker 1: you're putting out a slovenly person who doesn't care about
11:47
Speaker 1: taking care of themselves or hygiene your problem, you might
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Speaker 1: attract that same person back.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, I think instead of you know, an obvious and
11:54
Speaker 2: easy thing to do is to blame everyone else. Oh,
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Speaker 2: everyone's friend zoning me, every no one likes me, everyone's mean,
12:00
Speaker 2: everyone's judge. Just that will get you nowhere. It all
12:03
Speaker 2: could be true, But the only power you have is
12:06
Speaker 2: building yourself up and putting out your best version of yourself,
12:10
Speaker 2: and that requires work, physical work, sometimes mental work, spiritual work.
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Speaker 2: All of that is and this is an opportunity. I
12:18
Speaker 2: know it feels frustrating. He might feel like he's kind
12:20
Speaker 2: of reached rock bottom, but that's the moment in which
12:23
Speaker 2: you say, what can I do? What's in my power?
12:25
Speaker 2: And those are the things that are in your power.
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Speaker 1: Well, some of that is our advice, that's our counsel
12:31
Speaker 1: to Brian, but there are a bunch of folks out
12:33
Speaker 1: there that had their own words of advice. Some of
12:37
Speaker 1: it's harsh, some of it's heartwarming, some of it's hilarious.
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Speaker 2: Welcome back everyone to this edition of Amy and TJ
12:54
Speaker 2: where we are talking about Brian. Brian wrote into us
12:58
Speaker 2: on our Yahoo to us in our Yahoo Relationship Advice Colum.
13:03
Speaker 2: It comes out every Monday. By the way, if you
13:04
Speaker 2: want to check it out in the Yahoo Life section,
13:07
Speaker 2: click on ask Amy and TJ. You will find a
13:10
Speaker 2: weekly question from our readers. And Brian has asked why
13:15
Speaker 2: he can't attract the right person, why he's always friend zoned.
13:18
Speaker 2: He says, the world just strikes back every time he
13:21
Speaker 2: thinks he might be getting into a relationship. The woman says,
13:23
Speaker 2: you're so nice. I just don't want to ruin our friendship,
13:26
Speaker 2: and so we gave our advice to Brian, but we
13:29
Speaker 2: wanted to share with our listeners some of what you
13:33
Speaker 2: had to say to Brian. So Jay wrote in I
13:35
Speaker 2: always as more men than women. Oh yeah, definitely more
13:38
Speaker 2: than women. Again always it's so interesting. Although Jay, I
13:41
Speaker 2: don't know who Jay is, but no, no, it is
13:43
Speaker 2: a man because of his comment. Yes, Jay, Jay wrote
13:47
Speaker 2: in the comment sections, sometimes being placed in the friend
13:51
Speaker 2: zone is a real blessing in disguise. I really dodged
13:54
Speaker 2: the bullet with a few girls, although I didn't realize
13:57
Speaker 2: it at the time. Anyway, it's sort of fun. Need
14:00
Speaker 2: to see what a mess they turned in two years later.
14:04
Speaker 1: If nothing else, Brian, that should comfort you. Yes, my
14:07
Speaker 1: man's rejection is God's protection sometimes. And maybe whoever that
14:11
Speaker 1: was who played instruments with you and left town, who knows?
14:15
Speaker 2: That was the kinder version Jay right there, because like
14:18
Speaker 2: I said, other people were saying things like, oh, just
14:20
Speaker 2: wait until they're divorced and forty and you know, need
14:23
Speaker 2: something man, and you're gonna be like too bad, so sad.
14:26
Speaker 2: So yes, they were all kind of talking about all
14:28
Speaker 2: these women who were passing him up or passing him
14:31
Speaker 2: over will be running back, flocking back when their relationships
14:34
Speaker 2: fail and they realize they actually do need a nice guy.
14:37
Speaker 1: Hopefully that doesn't cross his mind. Hopefully, because that's just me.
14:41
Speaker 1: You should be Oh, we were just talking about this
14:43
Speaker 1: the other day with Halle Berry and her ex David.
14:45
Speaker 1: Thirty years later, he is still getting stuff all his
14:47
Speaker 1: chest about the divorce. You shouldn't hold it.
14:50
Speaker 2: She's the one who wanted me. I wasn't sure about her.
14:53
Speaker 1: Yes, gotta let that go in years. So what if
14:55
Speaker 1: she's divorced and not doing well. You shouldn't look at
14:58
Speaker 1: that and take.
14:58
Speaker 2: Joy, right. Yeah, that's not winning. No, that's not winning.
15:02
Speaker 2: So I liked the way Jay put it. He just said,
15:04
Speaker 2: consider the folks or the women who have passed you
15:06
Speaker 2: up as you dodging a bullet. They weren't meant for
15:08
Speaker 2: you anyway. So I do appreciate that, all right, Barry?
15:12
Speaker 2: This one is so interesting because I actually felt like
15:15
Speaker 2: I wanted to address this. Barry wrote this in the
15:18
Speaker 2: comment section. Wait, so women like confidence and not being needy,
15:24
Speaker 2: but they want us to be needy and chase them down,
15:28
Speaker 2: begging not to leave. I'm confused. So he was obviously
15:33
Speaker 2: basing that off of my advice, which was to be confident,
15:36
Speaker 2: to build yourself up, and then that will be attractive
15:39
Speaker 2: to women. All right, these are two different things. Barry,
15:41
Speaker 2: just want to point this out from my female perspective. Yes,
15:45
Speaker 2: women do like confidence. They do want a man who
15:47
Speaker 2: knows what he wants and knows how to get it
15:49
Speaker 2: and believes in himself and all of that. But that
15:53
Speaker 2: same confidence is knowing that if a woman's upset or
15:57
Speaker 2: maybe is acting emotional, has the common con is to
16:00
Speaker 2: recognize that and comfort So it's not about a man
16:04
Speaker 2: being needy and chasing after a woman. It's actually, I
16:06
Speaker 2: think about a man, it's extra attractive for him to say,
16:09
Speaker 2: you know what, even though she might be rejecting me
16:12
Speaker 2: right now, or is pretending to reject me or pretend
16:15
Speaker 2: or actually is really upset, I am going to have
16:17
Speaker 2: enough confidence to know that I can comfort her or
16:20
Speaker 2: that I can be there for her even when she's
16:22
Speaker 2: making it hard. That's what that is.
16:26
Speaker 1: I'm gonna let you and Bary have it. But anytime
16:27
Speaker 1: we talk in relationship and the word needy obviously trying,
16:32
Speaker 1: but it's not needy. Nobody's being needy in this situation necessarily,
16:36
Speaker 1: he went off one.
16:37
Speaker 2: Well, he was going off on that confidence is sexy,
16:39
Speaker 2: that we want men to be confident and needy at
16:41
Speaker 2: the same time.
16:42
Speaker 1: But you can be confident and not arrogant. But you
16:44
Speaker 1: can be confident you can see somebody. That's why can't
16:46
Speaker 1: you be both things? Why can't I be a confident
16:50
Speaker 1: guy and still chasing my woman dead exactly begging her
16:53
Speaker 1: to stay.
16:54
Speaker 2: That's what I think. That's confident and sexiest. Please because
16:57
Speaker 2: you are facing rejection. You know that that woman could
16:59
Speaker 2: be like like hell no, and you still say I
17:03
Speaker 2: want you. That is so confident because you know that
17:07
Speaker 2: you could be rejected and you're still putting your heart
17:09
Speaker 2: out there anyway. It's all confident, confused, courage and confidence.
17:13
Speaker 1: It's not a lack of fear. It's facing the fear
17:16
Speaker 1: and doing it anyway, and scared to death that she
17:19
Speaker 1: might reject me publicly at this airport as I'm chasing her,
17:24
Speaker 1: still do it anyway.
17:28
Speaker 2: If that was before, that's when we could get to
17:30
Speaker 2: the gates. Those were even better. You could run through security.
17:33
Speaker 2: There was no security. You could just go to the gate, yes,
17:35
Speaker 2: but anyway, And the truth is nobody likes. Nobody is
17:40
Speaker 2: attracted to I should say, a needy person, men and
17:43
Speaker 2: women alike. You are not attracted to a needy person.
17:46
Speaker 2: And we all have needy moments and they're not attractive moments.
17:49
Speaker 2: They just aren't, but there are. They are a part
17:51
Speaker 2: of life. Ashley, we got a woman. Yeah, you want
17:55
Speaker 2: to read Ashley's con.
17:57
Speaker 1: I'm enjoying listening to you for the first time, hearing
17:59
Speaker 1: for the first time.
18:00
Speaker 2: Okay, all right, so I'll let you listen to what
18:02
Speaker 2: Ashley wrote in For similar guys, just tell women that
18:07
Speaker 2: you're working on yourself and you want to be friends
18:10
Speaker 2: for a while. We should all be whole people seeking
18:13
Speaker 2: a partner, not two halves. Self improvement is super attractive. Yay, Ashley.
18:17
Speaker 2: I agree. Make up fun and interesting things to invite
18:21
Speaker 2: them to embrace your natural beauty and style. Just my opinion.
18:25
Speaker 2: Make a move like handholding or a simple kiss, but
18:27
Speaker 2: ask first. That's a green light for sure. I love that.
18:31
Speaker 2: I like that he could go into a relationship telling
18:34
Speaker 2: the woman first, Hey, just want to be friends. I'm
18:37
Speaker 2: working on myself right now. That'll make you attractive right
18:40
Speaker 2: then and there, because you're not asking something of her
18:42
Speaker 2: You're not requiring her to be attracted to you. You're
18:44
Speaker 2: just saying, hey, I'm all on a journey. I'm working
18:47
Speaker 2: on myself, not looking for anything serious right now. That
18:50
Speaker 2: makes somebody want you right then, that's actually almost really intelligent,
18:54
Speaker 2: not that you're trying to be manipulative, but that is
18:57
Speaker 2: actually really intelligent psychology.
19:00
Speaker 1: I don't have to take your word on that one.
19:01
Speaker 2: What do you think about advice?
19:03
Speaker 1: How do you get to the I guess who do
19:06
Speaker 1: you need to declare that to other than someone who
19:08
Speaker 1: already has an understanding or possibility that you all are dating.
19:11
Speaker 2: Maybe you just declare it to yourself, even maybe if
19:13
Speaker 2: you tell maybe if Brian tells himself, I'm not going
19:17
Speaker 2: to be seeking out Well, that's helpful solely to have
19:20
Speaker 2: a romantic or sexual relationship with them, but I am
19:23
Speaker 2: actually just going to look at this as a friendship
19:27
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to put any pressure on the woman.
19:29
Speaker 2: I think that also can lead a woman to say, oh,
19:31
Speaker 2: I just want to be friends if she feels and
19:33
Speaker 2: believe me, we can sense it immediately that there's some
19:36
Speaker 2: pressure for more. If he can actually even tell himself
19:39
Speaker 2: that I'm working on myself, if I meet somebody, I'm
19:41
Speaker 2: not going to necessarily assume that this is going anywhere.
19:45
Speaker 2: I'm just going to keep working on myself, and self
19:47
Speaker 2: improvement is absolutely sexy.
19:49
Speaker 1: How many more do you got?
19:50
Speaker 2: All right, I've got two more. I'll get through these
19:54
Speaker 2: because a couple of these. This one's funny, John m.
19:57
Speaker 2: Men can't figure out women, period. Stop trying. Always be
20:02
Speaker 2: dating at least two women. Three is better, four is
20:05
Speaker 2: too much. Always have a backup plan, so when one
20:08
Speaker 2: of the women starts acting strange, ghosting you, or whatever,
20:11
Speaker 2: you don't have to fret. You have a backup plan.
20:14
Speaker 2: When you show zero concern about a woman who is
20:16
Speaker 2: trying some crazy manipulation, etc. This will bring her back quickly.
20:21
Speaker 2: Always have a backup plan. Society doesn't support this concept,
20:25
Speaker 2: but it works women's sense. When a man has a
20:27
Speaker 2: side gig, you become much more attractive to them and
20:30
Speaker 2: they will throw you a lot less grief and crazy behavior.
20:33
Speaker 2: You listen to a song that also suggests this, Uh,
20:37
Speaker 2: that is.
20:38
Speaker 1: Because the song is fun. It's just a joke.
20:41
Speaker 2: Okay, it's a joke.
20:43
Speaker 1: You're not supposed to take.
20:43
Speaker 2: This no seriously, but I just wanted to actually have
20:47
Speaker 2: that in the comment section, because this is a bit
20:50
Speaker 2: of advice that a reader is giving. Brien, I think
20:54
Speaker 2: he is. The way he wrote this, he put things
20:56
Speaker 2: in all caps. He really this must be working for him,
21:02
Speaker 2: by the way. Just want to put in like you
21:04
Speaker 2: can put introduce sense. But as a woman, John M. Yeah,
21:08
Speaker 2: that is not attractive at all.
21:12
Speaker 1: Okay, Well that gave you with all the men can't
21:14
Speaker 1: figure out women periods. Stop trying. We haven't attempted to.
21:19
Speaker 1: We haven't. We've given up. And I think that's the fraud.
21:22
Speaker 1: Frustration between men and women oftentimes is that you all
21:25
Speaker 1: are trying to get us to understand something. We quit.
21:27
Speaker 1: We gave up long time ago trying. All of our
21:31
Speaker 1: dads told us us very early on, you're never going
21:33
Speaker 1: to figure out a woman. Don't waste time on doing so.
21:37
Speaker 2: Every time I say you understand what I'm saying, what
21:39
Speaker 2: do you say in response?
21:40
Speaker 1: Hardly ever?
21:41
Speaker 2: Every time, hardly ever. And that's okay.
21:44
Speaker 1: We see the world, we see things, we see relationships,
21:47
Speaker 1: we see dilemmas, we see fights, we see it all differently.
21:50
Speaker 1: That's okay, But we haven't. It's not trying to figure
21:52
Speaker 1: out women women. That's a fool's errand always be dating
21:56
Speaker 1: at least two women. No, don't, don't. Don't reckon at all.
22:00
Speaker 2: It's expensive, it's exhausting.
22:02
Speaker 1: It's exhausting, it is very stressful. Now, if you are
22:05
Speaker 1: not looking for a relationship, knock yourself out. Go ahead, dude,
22:08
Speaker 1: they do whatever you want to do. Three is better,
22:10
Speaker 1: calm down. Four too much, pump the breakshit time. Always
22:13
Speaker 1: have a backup plan. So when one of the women
22:15
Speaker 1: starts acting strange, ghosting you, or whatever, you don't have
22:19
Speaker 1: to fret. You have a backup plan. You can view
22:23
Speaker 1: women and relationships that way. It might be where you are.
22:27
Speaker 1: But that sounds to me like someone who is not
22:32
Speaker 1: very comfortable with themselves because they're so afraid of rejection
22:35
Speaker 1: that I actually need to make sure I give myself
22:38
Speaker 1: an ego in a confidence boost to No, I got
22:39
Speaker 1: a backup plan. So if that person hurts me, acting strange,
22:43
Speaker 1: ghosting you, or whatever, you're protecting yourself from being hurt.
22:47
Speaker 1: I've been through all these things. You could see. I'm
22:50
Speaker 1: actually annoyed by this just a little bit.
22:53
Speaker 2: I like hearing this, but yes, because it's a fool's
22:56
Speaker 2: errand to try that this somehow is going to give
22:57
Speaker 2: you comfort. This somehow is going to protect you from
23:00
Speaker 2: hurt feelings. This somehow is going to protect you from
23:02
Speaker 2: being alone or lonely.
23:04
Speaker 1: Show zero concern about a woman who's trying some crazy manipulation.
23:08
Speaker 1: This will bring her back quickly through my manipulation. Correct,
23:12
Speaker 1: this is just not fun, it's not healthy, it's not mature.
23:15
Speaker 1: That's fine. This is where some people are. But don't
23:17
Speaker 1: We can't do.
23:18
Speaker 2: This exactly, all right, So I wanted to end on
23:21
Speaker 2: a high note, and I liked what Mark had to
23:24
Speaker 2: say to Brian. Brian, I have felt your pain in
23:28
Speaker 2: the past. Then I learned that people want what they
23:32
Speaker 2: don't have. Make her have to work a bit for you,
23:35
Speaker 2: then she'll be much more likely to want you. Simple
23:37
Speaker 2: but true. I actually think I know this is still
23:39
Speaker 2: a form of manipulation. But I think his point is.
23:42
Speaker 2: Mark's point is that if you give too much, too early,
23:46
Speaker 2: too soon, you're putting it all out there. That's that's
23:50
Speaker 2: not attractive to a lot of women. They get scared,
23:53
Speaker 2: they back away. It's too much. So he's saying, hey,
23:56
Speaker 2: make her work a little bit for you, like pull
23:58
Speaker 2: back a little. You don't always have to text right back.
24:02
Speaker 2: You don't always have to say yes, go ahead and
24:05
Speaker 2: have a little mystery. Have it be a little bit
24:08
Speaker 2: like have a little game. Have a little game, I think,
24:11
Speaker 2: is what Mark is saying.
24:12
Speaker 1: And you know, I hate that.
24:14
Speaker 2: I know you do.
24:15
Speaker 1: I hate it. I hate it. I would never recommend it.
24:16
Speaker 1: I get what people are saying. I think this is
24:19
Speaker 1: saying Brian, calm down a little bit, which is fine,
24:21
Speaker 1: and that's good advice. But anytime you try to think
24:24
Speaker 1: or overthink or manipulate, or how soon before I text back,
24:28
Speaker 1: or how soon before I all these things where you're
24:32
Speaker 1: playing games, we're I don't know how old Brian is.
24:34
Speaker 1: Well what I always say, I'm a grown ass man.
24:37
Speaker 1: If I like you, you like me. We're adults. We
24:40
Speaker 1: should be able to sit and have that conversation. When
24:43
Speaker 1: I leave our lunch and I get on the train.
24:45
Speaker 1: If I feel the urge to say something to that woman,
24:49
Speaker 1: I'm gonna text her right now instead of going, you
24:51
Speaker 1: know what, I'm gonna give it two days and make
24:52
Speaker 1: her sweat it out.
24:54
Speaker 2: I just would not hear it. I hear you, I
24:56
Speaker 2: hear you. That's stuff I have told myself multiple times
24:59
Speaker 2: because there is is a tendency to want to do that.
25:01
Speaker 2: It's a power grab. It's trying to make yourself feel
25:05
Speaker 2: like you've got the reins basically in the relationship, and
25:08
Speaker 2: that's not a healthy relationship period. But I have actually
25:11
Speaker 2: told myself if I think something loving or kind or
25:14
Speaker 2: I feeling, I should express it or I should let
25:17
Speaker 2: him know without being like obviously, there is such a
25:20
Speaker 2: thing as too much. But I do think that it's
25:23
Speaker 2: beautiful when it's authentic, it's real, and it's whenever that
25:28
Speaker 2: feeling comes, you should If you have something nice to say,
25:30
Speaker 2: you should say it. I do think that I do think,
25:32
Speaker 2: and we.
25:32
Speaker 1: End okay, we got to stop because I could go on,
25:34
Speaker 1: because did we end up in the other It works
25:37
Speaker 1: negative in the other way if you have to think
25:38
Speaker 1: a lot about okay, what should I say?
25:41
Speaker 2: And everyone does that, babe, especially early on when you're younger,
25:45
Speaker 2: in early relationships, everyone does that.
25:47
Speaker 1: So if you're sitting there wondering what to say and
25:50
Speaker 1: then wondering when you should say it and how long
25:52
Speaker 1: you should delay before you say the next thing, that's
25:55
Speaker 1: too much. How do you have time for butterflies and
25:58
Speaker 1: love and authentic If you're doing.
26:00
Speaker 2: All that, So guys don't do that, because girls do that.
26:04
Speaker 2: I have helped. I have helped many you guys. I
26:06
Speaker 2: have helped many a girlfriend craft attacks and then helped
26:09
Speaker 2: her decide when she should send it. Oh, I have
26:12
Speaker 2: to okay, just being fully honest.
26:14
Speaker 1: I was the only one sitting around the table screaming,
26:17
Speaker 1: uh yeah, write them now, and all the girls.
26:18
Speaker 2: That they no, you can't you getta wait?
26:21
Speaker 1: Oh my god stop. Look folks, Brian especially brother, love you,
26:25
Speaker 1: good luck. Please follow up with us. We would love
26:28
Speaker 1: to hear how things go. But look, the heart goes
26:30
Speaker 1: out to you, and I think you were being sincere. Yeah,
26:32
Speaker 1: and if you are trying, and by writing into us,
26:36
Speaker 1: you are trying something. So I would just say stick at.
26:39
Speaker 2: It, Yeah, stick at it, and and work on yourself.
26:42
Speaker 2: That's the best thing you can do for a future
26:44
Speaker 2: relationship is to be the best version of yourself when
26:46
Speaker 2: not when the right girl finally does show up. So
26:49
Speaker 2: we wish you well and we thank you for writing in.
26:52
Speaker 2: Thank you for all the comments. We find them to
26:54
Speaker 2: be very thought provoking and colorful, and we appreciate them,
26:58
Speaker 2: and yeah, keep them coming. We appreciate, Thank you. For
27:00
Speaker 2: listening to us today, and please again check out our
27:02
Speaker 2: column each and every Monday on the Yahoo page at
27:05
Speaker 2: the life section. But in the meantime, we hope you
27:08
Speaker 2: guys have a wonderful day today. I'm Amy Roebach alongside
27:10
Speaker 2: my partner T. J. Holmes. Thank you, as always for
27:14
Speaker 2: listening