Latest / Becoming Financially Confident / He was a spender, and she was a saver. It almost broke their marriage.

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He was a spender, and she was a saver. It almost broke their marriage. · Becoming Financially Confident

• 0:07
  You know, I've spent 30 years sitting across a desk from other people and their money.
• 0:12
  Today I'm going to tell you about my money.
• 0:14
  And for a long stretch of my marriage, my wife and I were not on the same page about money.
• 0:19
  And guess what?
• 0:20
  I should know better because I'm the accountant and it got close to costing me my marriage.
• 0:24
  Closer than I ever thought I would be able to talk about loud on this show.
• 0:28
  Yeah.
• 0:29
  So that's the back half of the show today.
• 0:32
  And before it, we're going to cover three headlines including a letter about your student loan that starts with a 90 day clock, the day it lands and the part of no tax on overtime that is not in the
• 0:43
  headlines.
• 0:44
  And then tomorrow we have a guest who does this couples and money work for a living.
• 0:48
  So if you have questions, leave them in the chat in the comments below and we will bring them to her tomorrow.
• 0:56
  Becoming financially confident.
• 1:03
  Welcome to becoming financially confident where we are breaking free from money shame.
• 1:07
  One conversation at a time.
• 1:09
  We're live every Monday through Friday from 11:30am to 12:30pm Eastern.
• 1:14
  And I'm Ralph Estep Jr.
• 1:15
  And yes, the froggy voice I think has finally been slain.
• 1:19
  I think it's gone.
• 1:20
  I'm a licensed public account.
• 1:22
  I've been doing this thing for 30.
• 1:23
  I'll tell you what, it feels good to be able to talk again without having all this crazy draining going on.
• 1:29
  So, yes, and I'm Juliet.
• 1:30
  I am a regular person who's going to be asking Ralph all the questions because if I have them, you probably have them too.
• 1:36
  Yeah.
• 1:36
  Because we're two very different people having conversations about things that affect our money.
• 1:40
  And most of the time they're things that affect your money as well.
• 1:43
  Remember our house rules.
• 1:44
  No shame in anybody about money.
• 1:46
  What happened yesterday happened yesterday.
• 1:47
  Today's a brand new day and nobody's going to be judged for what they didn't know.
• 1:51
  Our whole goal of this show is to help you make better decisions and move forward in a place of financial confidence.
• 1:58
  And like I said earlier, if you have any questions that you want us to have a conversation on this show about, send it to us@becomingfinanciallyconfident.com you can find us also on so many platforms, YouTube, Facebook, LinkedIn.
• 2:11
  We also have a school community.
• 2:13
  So find us everywhere as we build out this community.
• 2:15
  No personal finance question is off limits.
• 2:18
  Yeah.
• 2:18
  And wherever you're on your financial journey, know first of all, it's a journey.
• 2:22
  I talked with a young couple yesterday and that's the very conversation we had is, this is a journey.
• 2:27
  You're not alone on it.
• 2:28
  And we're going to take it one day at a time and help you make things better.
• 2:35
  So for today's first headline, if you were on the Save student loan plan, that's S a V e.
• 2:41
  Your loans have been in limbo for over a year.
• 2:44
  That is ending now.
• 2:45
  Servicers are mailing notices in waves through throughout October.
• 2:49
  And the day yours arrive, you have 90 days to pick a new repayment plan.
• 2:54
  If you do not pick, one will get picked for you and it is not going to on your income.
• 2:59
  Ralph, what does somebody do the day that that letter shows up?
• 3:04
  So the thing you need to understand is this is a big sea change.
• 3:08
  This has been a time of limbo.
• 3:09
  There hasn't been bills going on, nothing to do, no idea what plan you're going on.
• 3:14
  So the first thing you need to do is log in and find out what the status is with your student loans.
• 3:20
  Yeah, there's 7.5 million people that are in this situation.
• 3:25
  So understand that the clock is personal.
• 3:27
  It's not national.
• 3:28
  You get 90 days from the date of that notice to make a change.
• 3:31
  And we talked about this a little bit last week, how if you elect to get automatic payments, they'll actually reduce your interest rate by a whole 1%.
• 3:38
  So it's a big deal.
• 3:40
  But don't let that letter get put in that cabinet, you know, where, oh, I'll forget about it later.
• 3:44
  Goes in the drawer.
• 3:45
  This is a big deal.
• 3:46
  So understand what this means.
• 3:48
  A lot of people have student loans, and this has been one of those hot potato political issues where there's people all over the place.
• 3:55
  I'm not even getting into that.
• 3:56
  I'm just saying right now, as it stands, you've got to do something because the old way that you were doing it no longer exists.
• 4:04
  Can you clarify for us real quick for this thing, is it a private loan or is it a federal loan?
• 4:09
  So these are all federal student loans.
• 4:12
  You know, honestly now, Juliet, there aren't a lot of private student loans anymore.
• 4:16
  A few years ago, the government pretty much overtook all of that.
• 4:20
  And I'm not actually aware of any private lenders who do true student loans.
• 4:24
  There are other loans which maybe people have used for education, but all student loans now have come under, as far as I understand, all of them have come under some federal purview now.
• 4:34
  So the first thing you got to do, though, is go find out who your loan servicer is, because there are different loan Servicers.
• 4:40
  Right.
• 4:41
  But just pay attention to this.
• 4:42
  Don't put this in the junk drawer.
• 4:44
  And hey, that auto plan, auto payment is a big deal if it can save you 1% interest.
• 4:49
  We talked about this before.
• 4:51
  That could be almost a full month's payment that you're going to get just by signing up for something you have to pay anyway.
• 4:58
  So just for people, if you have outstanding student loans, pay attention to the mail.
• 5:02
  Over the next month or so you should be expecting some version of this like repayment plan that's coming through.
• 5:08
  Okay.
• 5:08
  Okay, full transparency here.
• 5:10
  I actually still have a wee little bit of student loan left and I just now thought about this.
• 5:16
  I've got to do something here because.
• 5:19
  Have you gotten your mail yet?
• 5:20
  No, I haven't actually.
• 5:21
  And which is interesting now.
• 5:23
  One thing that I did during COVID you could decide not to pay the loans and it would just accrue.
• 5:28
  I decided not to do that and kept paying.
• 5:31
  And the coolest part of that is like the balance drops substantially quickly so there's not a whole lot left on it.
• 5:36
  I'd be one of those things.
• 5:37
  Financially, maybe I'll be able to pay it off.
• 5:38
  But, but this is, this is news for me that I got to do myself.
• 5:42
  Maybe you could put this as one of your short term goals, financial goals.
• 5:45
  It could definitely be that.
• 5:47
  But see, look, don't wait for the letter if you haven't gotten it yet.
• 5:49
  Go to student aid.gov that student aid.gov you can open the repayment calculator and look at plan would actually cost you.
• 5:59
  It'll take you about 20 minutes.
• 6:00
  But once you know what you can work with, you're in good shape because like I said, there's seven and a half million borrowers who are affected to this.
• 6:07
  And if you don't do anything, they're going to put you in the plan.
• 6:10
  That may not be the best for your particular situation.
• 6:17
  Moving on to the next headline which is also kind of student related.
• 6:21
  Most people think a 529 is a college savings account and if the kid does not go to college, the money is stuck.
• 6:28
  That is no longer true.
• 6:30
  As of January 1st, you can pull out up to $20,000 per student per year for K to 12.
• 6:38
  The list of what counts as, you know, acceptable got much longer.
• 6:42
  And trade school licenses and certification exams qualify too.
• 6:46
  That's actually kind of exciting to hear, Ralph.
• 6:49
  If somebody has one of these accounts sitting there, these 529.
• 6:53
  Well, first of all, tell us, give us like a little brief of what 529 is.
• 6:57
  And then let us know what should they actually do this week.
• 7:00
  Absolutely.
• 7:01
  And this one is very interesting because I actually had an, a middle aged couple in my office yesterday.
• 7:05
  So this is very timely.
• 7:07
  They have a daughter who decided not to go to college, but they have a 529 plan.
• 7:12
  So let's talk about this right now.
• 7:14
  A 529 plan is a college savings account.
• 7:18
  You put money into it, that money grows tax free.
• 7:22
  Yeah.
• 7:22
  And so long as you use the money for what was college before, there's no tax on taking that money out.
• 7:28
  So it used to only be for college.
• 7:30
  Correct.
• 7:31
  It generally was only for college.
• 7:32
  And they opened this up a little while ago.
• 7:34
  So now it's becoming a lot more seeing.
• 7:37
  So now you can use it for other things because, and I look, I would be.
• 7:41
  Full transparency.
• 7:42
  I have never been a huge fan of 529 plans.
• 7:45
  And the reason I haven't been a big, huge fan of them is what if you get a child that doesn't want to go to college?
• 7:51
  I feel like you put a lot of pressure on somebody when.
• 7:53
  Because my opinion is I get it, it grows tax free.
• 7:57
  Right.
• 7:57
  But I like to be able to move my money when I want to move my money.
• 8:01
  And if I'm going to be regimented and disciplined enough to put money aside, I think an after tax investment account is just as effective.
• 8:09
  Now I can hear the financial planners out there screaming at me, oh, Ralph, you're, you're leaving money on the table.
• 8:14
  But I like to be able to pivot.
• 8:16
  So I think it's really important that you're able to pivot.
• 8:20
  So.
• 8:20
  But that's not really the news for today.
• 8:22
  But that gives you the background of what we're talking about.
• 8:24
  But here's the news for today.
• 8:26
  You can start using these for other things.
• 8:29
  So I want to get into that a little bit.
• 8:31
  So let's talk about now what, what it now covers.
• 8:35
  So it's always covered tuition, that sort of thing, but now it covers tutoring, it covers curriculum materials, online programs.
• 8:44
  If you're taking standardized test fees, dual enrollment educational therapies for a student with a disability.
• 8:51
  Most of these things weren't on the list two years ago.
• 8:54
  So these are the federal government opening the door and saying, hey, let's go use that 529 money for other things.
• 9:01
  So I have a question here.
• 9:02
  Standardized test fees.
• 9:03
  I don't know if like kids these days still take, you know, SATs and APs.
• 9:08
  I don't know.
• 9:09
  Oh, I just Had a straight up flashback when you said that the SAT like that.
• 9:14
  You know what?
• 9:14
  All right, Ralph rant for a second here.
• 9:17
  Okay?
• 9:17
  So.
• 9:18
  Because I know people like the Ralph Rants, but I was in high school and that SAT just jacked me up.
• 9:24
  Oh, my gosh.
• 9:25
  I spent so much time stressing about it.
• 9:27
  I took the SAT and I got it back and they were like, you're in high school.
• 9:32
  Like, they looked at the number and they're like, this is terrible.
• 9:34
  I'll never forget it.
• 9:35
  Juliet, my guidance counselor, she pulls me into her office and she says, ralph, we need to talk.
• 9:40
  And I was like, oh, what did I do?
• 9:41
  Because I was a good kid, you know, I went to a private Christian, a private Catholic high school.
• 9:45
  Actually, I was a good kid.
• 9:47
  I never got in trouble.
• 9:47
  Except for once.
• 9:49
  Anyway, that's a story for another day.
• 9:50
  I got in trouble with a nun and she gave me a detention.
• 9:53
  But we're not going to talk about that today.
• 9:54
  But anyway.
• 9:55
  Yeah, well, that's a whole discussion.
• 9:57
  Anyway, so the guidance counselor pulls me in and she says, ralph, she says, with this score, I don't think you're ever going to get into a college.
• 10:04
  Oh.
• 10:04
  So you know, Ralph is kind of a vindictive guy.
• 10:08
  So the day I graduated, day I graduated with my undergraduate degree with a 3.9, I went back and visited her and I said, yeah, the SAT really doesn't prove that you're smart.
• 10:17
  I agree with that statement.
• 10:18
  Anyway, so what a tangent I took us on.
• 10:23
  That's totally fine.
• 10:24
  But the standardized test fees, which is now also covered under 529, does it also cover things like SATs, if it still exists, or is it only for college and post post secondary education?
• 10:37
  No, It's K through 12 now, which is great.
• 10:39
  So like you can actually.
• 10:40
  Yeah.
• 10:40
  So if you got a student that wants to take the sat, or there's the gmat.
• 10:43
  So there's a whole bunch of different ones at LSA lst or something like this.
• 10:47
  Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 10:49
  All of those now would count.
• 10:50
  Tutoring count.
• 10:51
  So if you've got a student that's struggling a little bit, you can actually tap into those 529 monies and use them for that.
• 10:58
  I think so too.
• 10:58
  Because now, like you said, not everybody's going to go to college.
• 11:01
  They're going to find their way.
• 11:02
  They're going to find their education in different ways.
• 11:04
  So this does cover up more wide variety of paths.
• 11:08
  So how can people check if they are qualified or what do they got to do?
• 11:13
  But there's one more problem we got to talk about.
• 11:15
  Oh, what is it?
• 11:16
  This is a federal government decision.
• 11:18
  Some of the states have been like, well, not in our state.
• 11:22
  Okay?
• 11:22
  So you got to find out what the states have as qualified expenses.
• 11:28
  So the way you handle that.
• 11:29
  Okay, call Whoever administers your 529 plan.
• 11:32
  That's the administrator.
• 11:34
  So that could be like Vanguard or.
• 11:36
  Like Fidelity or something like Fidelity.
• 11:37
  Vanguard are the two big players.
• 11:39
  And ask them a simple question.
• 11:41
  For my state in 2026, is a K to 12 withdrawal qualified expense, and does it affect the deduction I already took?
• 11:49
  So get that answer before you do anything, because you could find yourself in a little bit of a trouble on the state tax side.
• 11:55
  We're definitely good on the.
• 11:56
  On the federal tax side, but the state tax date tax side may say that 10 times over could cause a problem.
• 12:04
  So that's something to be thinking about.
• 12:05
  Now, the other thing you need to be concerned about, and this is the conversation I had with this client yesterday.
• 12:10
  What happens if you have a child that doesn't want to go to college or there's money left over?
• 12:15
  Here's a new thing that you can do.
• 12:16
  And I actually didn't know about this till.
• 12:19
  You're gonna laugh about this one.
• 12:20
  Julia client comes in, she sits down.
• 12:22
  Her and her husband clients for like 15 years, and they've got this scenario where their daughter is deciding not to go to college.
• 12:28
  And what they would like to do is they would like to use it to pay for her wedding.
• 12:32
  Now, she's not engaged yet, so they're thinking about long term.
• 12:35
  And she goes.
• 12:36
  She said, I went to Gemini.
• 12:37
  And I was like, oh, boy, here we go.
• 12:39
  Okay.
• 12:39
  Accounting by Gemini and Gemini told me that I could roll my 529 plan into a Roth IRA.
• 12:47
  Okay?
• 12:48
  And I thought to myself, ralph, you should know this.
• 12:52
  Huh?
• 12:53
  So what did Ralph do?
• 12:54
  Ralph went to Claude.
• 12:55
  Because Gemini versus Claude.
• 12:57
  Anyway, turns out they changed the rule with the Secure act of 20 of Secure Act 2.0.
• 13:03
  And you now can take 529 monies and roll them into the beneficiary's Roth IRA.
• 13:11
  Now, there's a whole bunch of rules.
• 13:13
  Okay, Yeah, a whole bunch of rules that we could tend take an hour to talk about, but this is now an option.
• 13:19
  And I see that Dutchess put in the.
• 13:22
  In the comments.
• 13:22
  Money left over.
• 13:24
  Yeah, I agree with you, Dutchess.
• 13:25
  College is ridiculously expensive.
• 13:28
  And you gotta.
• 13:29
  I mean, that's a whole nother discussion.
• 13:30
  We need to talk about that.
• 13:31
  Actually, Abby is Our producer put that on our list of things to talk about.
• 13:35
  Does college even make sense from a financial perspective now?
• 13:38
  Because I'm not sure it does.
• 13:41
  But anyway, there is now a way to roll the money from a 529 plan into a Roth IRA.
• 13:49
  But it's a thing.
• 13:50
  You can only do so much a year.
• 13:51
  There's a cap of $35,000.
• 13:53
  The money has to be in there for at least 15 years.
• 13:56
  And then you have to have five years.
• 13:58
  It has to be in the Roth for 15 years.
• 14:00
  No, no, it has to have been in the 529 plan.
• 14:03
  It has to have started at least 15 years ago.
• 14:06
  So the typical scenario, Juliet, I'll give you a great example of this.
• 14:09
  So my grandson Carson was born three months ago, and my son and I have been talking about.
• 14:14
  He says, dad, should we create a 529 plan?
• 14:17
  And I said, I don't like 529 plans.
• 14:19
  And he says, well, my wife Hunter, likes 529 plans.
• 14:22
  I said, well, then you need to decide, and we'll talk about later being on the same page financially with your spouse.
• 14:27
  I said, but if you're going to do that, you're going to start that right away.
• 14:30
  So that's where that 15 year.
• 14:32
  Because if you think about it, the whole point, Juliet, is they don't want you making this decision when the kid's in fifth grade.
• 14:38
  This is the decision when the kids in junior high school, senior in high school, you know, getting ready to graduate.
• 14:44
  So as long as it's been in there 15 years, the problem is there's a cap of $35,000.
• 14:49
  So if you got more than 35,000 and you can't do anything with it, and there's also the annual cap of $7,500 that anybody can put into a Roth.
• 14:58
  So let's just say.
• 14:59
  So the example that we had yesterday was a client had $25,000 in a.
• 15:04
  In the 529 plan.
• 15:06
  And they said to me, how do we get this to our daughter?
• 15:08
  So we came up with a plan to do it, but it's going to be a four year process.
• 15:13
  Why was it going to be a four year is because you said the limit to rollover from 529 to Roth is 30.
• 15:21
  That's.
• 15:21
  That's the lifetime cap.
• 15:23
  But.
• 15:23
  Oh, life.
• 15:26
  But each year, the maximum contribution right now 70 $500 into a Roth.
• 15:31
  Ah, I see.
• 15:32
  Okay.
• 15:33
  So.
• 15:33
  So this is one of those things where it's a good news, bad news.
• 15:36
  Sit on the sidelines.
• 15:37
  And wait it out kind of situation.
• 15:39
  Yeah, it's better than it was because now you don't have to just take the money out and have the tax cost, but it does present some planning things.
• 15:47
  So that's why you need to engage with a professional.
• 15:51
  Absolutely.
• 15:52
  All right.
• 15:52
  Well, this is a really good.
• 15:53
  If anybody in the comments are thinking about starting 529s or have 529s and you have any questions about that or, you know, feelings share with us because we would love to hear from you guys.
• 16:03
  Okay.
• 16:04
  We love feelings on the show.
• 16:06
  Yeah.
• 16:11
  Our last headline for today, if you have heard of no tax on overtime, it is real.
• 16:15
  It's also a lot narrower than it sounds.
• 16:19
  And this is the first year that it shows up on your W2.
• 16:23
  Ralph, for somebody who may have worked overtime all year, what are they actually getting?
• 16:27
  So this is the biggest misconception on the planet.
• 16:31
  It actually started last year and we had a lot of people come in during taxes.
• 16:35
  I do about five or six hundred tax returns a year.
• 16:37
  Wait, before we start the story, is this really for people who do, like, service jobs or like, who else gets overtime?
• 16:43
  Well, the way there's a lot of people that get overtime, you know, there's actually, there's a lot.
• 16:48
  What you're really alluding to is the no tax on tips, which I think we covered that before.
• 16:53
  No tax on tips, that generally service people.
• 16:55
  But this is actually overtime.
• 16:57
  So if you have a job where you're getting any amount of overtime, this applies to you.
• 17:01
  But what people heard was that there's no tax on overtime.
• 17:06
  That's not true.
• 17:07
  What it is is when you go to file your tax return, there is a tax deduction for the premium portion of the overtime.
• 17:17
  Let me explain.
• 17:18
  So let's say that you make.
• 17:19
  I'd use a simple example.
• 17:20
  You make $20 an hour.
• 17:22
  Okay.
• 17:22
  And when you work overtime, you get time and a half.
• 17:26
  So let's just say your.
• 17:27
  Your overtime rate would be.
• 17:29
  Now, see, you never do math live, but whatever.
• 17:32
  Whatever that is.
• 17:33
  Right.
• 17:33
  It'd be $30.
• 17:34
  Right?
• 17:34
  I think you're right.
• 17:35
  Yeah.
• 17:35
  So what counts is not the $30 per hour.
• 17:39
  It's the overtime premium portion, which is the difference between your base rate and the overtime rate.
• 17:46
  So in that scenario, what's deductible is the $10 an hour.
• 17:52
  Yes.
• 17:52
  Okay, so let me give you another example.
• 17:54
  So if your Regular rate is $30 and you get 45 for overtime.
• 18:00
  Right.
• 18:00
  The deductible part is 15, not 45.
• 18:04
  And people never.
• 18:05
  People didn't hear this.
• 18:06
  So I had a couple of.
• 18:08
  I'll just say union fellows who worked union jobs.
• 18:12
  I mean, there's some strong Buffy types.
• 18:14
  You know, they came in and like, Ralph, I've got no tax on overtime this year.
• 18:19
  And I was like, oh, this is going to be.
• 18:22
  No, this is going to be an interesting conversation.
• 18:25
  So two things have happened.
• 18:27
  Thing number one is you can only take a deduction for the premium portion.
• 18:31
  So I got through that, and after they hemmed and hauled and used the F word a few times and some expletives that weren't directed at me, we got to the point.
• 18:38
  So.
• 18:39
  But the other problem that we had this past year was there was no requirement for the employers to actually put this on the W2 form.
• 18:46
  So what was going on is they would have to call the hr.
• 18:50
  Hello, hr.
• 18:52
  I'm at my accountants, and they're telling me that I need to know how much I made in overtime.
• 18:58
  Oh, they didn't clearly write what, the overtime premium.
• 19:02
  Premium.
• 19:03
  Right.
• 19:04
  Yeah.
• 19:04
  So even if you had your pay stub, you could see, like, I work this many overtime hours.
• 19:09
  Right.
• 19:09
  So what we had to effectively do was a little accounting ingenuity, and we took that number divided by three, and that gave us potentially the overtime premium.
• 19:20
  Well, that's changed now.
• 19:21
  So now there is a requirement that all employers show on the W2 form the actual overtime premium component to this.
• 19:31
  That's actually going to save a lot of headache, which is good.
• 19:34
  It's going to save a lot of headaches.
• 19:35
  But.
• 19:35
  But it's still very muddy water here in that when people hear no tax on overtime, they think, well, if I work overtime, I don't pay any tax.
• 19:44
  There are limits as well.
• 19:45
  There's a $12,500 limit per single filer, and if you're married, filing joint, it's 25,000.
• 19:52
  So that's the most.
• 19:53
  There's a phase out once you hit $150,000 in income for a single person.
• 19:58
  300,000 if you're married.
• 20:00
  So just know this is out there because it wasn't very clear.
• 20:04
  As about.
• 20:04
  As my grandfather said, it's about as clear as mud.
• 20:07
  Yeah.
• 20:08
  The good news is this is.
• 20:09
  This is still available even if you don't itemize your deductions.
• 20:12
  But this year it's going to be a lot cleaner because they're going to have to put that on your W2.
• 20:16
  But here's the thing.
• 20:18
  If you work for a small company, this is a great time to go knock on you know, Ms.
• 20:24
  Charlotte, whoever works in the HR of the small company or the person who does payroll, which is usually somebody that wears about 12 different hats, and just say, hey, I'm just making sure that you're aware of.
• 20:35
  And don't be a jerk about it.
• 20:36
  But just say, listen, I'm just making sure you're aware that this year, unlike last year, where everybody was begging you for these reports, you got to put this information on the W2.
• 20:45
  Now is a great time to remind folks, if you work for a big company like we do, I guess we do about 100 payrolls a week in our practice, we have a payroll system that already is doing this.
• 20:55
  But if you're working for one of those smaller companies like mom and Pop places, just make them make sure they're aware of what this requirement is, because it's going to be very important.
• 21:04
  Because here's the deal.
• 21:05
  If they don't put it on the.
• 21:07
  The W2, the IRS is saying no deduction.
• 21:09
  So that's a big.
• 21:11
  Okay, good to know.
• 21:12
  Any questions on this one, Juliet?
• 21:14
  No, I think.
• 21:17
  Oh, we have a comment from John.
• 21:20
  What a scam.
• 21:21
  Oh, John, thank you for joining the show.
• 21:23
  And I'm going to.
• 21:24
  John and Dutches do a couple of podcasts together, but I am so happy that John joined us.
• 21:31
  Yeah, John, it is a scam.
• 21:32
  And John, you know exactly what this feels like, because I think, as I recall, you worked as a union elevator fella.
• 21:39
  I mean, I'm probably using the wrong terms, but that's the problem, John, is a lot of people were not made aware because they thought it was going to be simply something like, oh, well, all tax on overtime is
• 21:51
  not going to be taxed.
• 21:51
  And that, of course, when you're dealing with the government, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, it doesn't all work like that.
• 21:59
  And he just made a comment.
• 22:00
  No union elevator mechanic would see a dime of the no tax on overtime.
• 22:04
  And I know why he's saying that.
• 22:06
  The reason he's saying that is because their.
• 22:09
  Their wages would be above what that is.
• 22:12
  So, you know, maybe John was onto something.
• 22:15
  Maybe that's a great career path.
• 22:17
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  Yeah.
• 22:18
  Well, I.
• 22:20
  I have no other questions.
• 22:21
  If y' all have any questions in the chat, leave them there and we'll get back to you guys later.
• 22:25
  All right, now, look, I don't want you to look up right now, but what did you spend last month?
• 22:30
  I'm talking about all your spending.
• 22:33
  Whatever number you just landed on, it's low.
• 22:35
  I can Promise you that over 30 years I've asked that same question and nobody has ever guessed high.
• 22:42
  And it's not because they're careless.
• 22:43
  It's because money leaves $9 at a time and no one holds that in their head.
• 22:49
  But Quick and Simplify holds it for you.
• 22:51
  It connects your accounts and shows you what's safe to spend this week after your bills and your savings are already set.
• 22:56
  If you're interested in finding out more about Quicken Simplify, you can go to Becoming Financially confident again.
• 23:03
  That's becoming financially confident.com quicken.
• 23:06
  It's a paid subscription.
• 23:08
  They bill you yearly, but there's a 30 day money back guarantee.
• 23:11
  So if you're interested in checking that out.
• 23:13
  Becoming financiallyconfident.com quicken.
• 23:23
  So right now we are getting into the segment what it cost me.
• 23:26
  Me as in Ralph.
• 23:28
  Ralph has spent 30 years across the desk from other people's money.
• 23:31
  Today we're gonna talk to him about his journey.
• 23:35
  For years, he and his wife were not on the same page about money.
• 23:38
  And he has told me that it came closer to costing him his marriage than anything else ever has.
• 23:43
  Ralph, I don't actually want to start with the fight.
• 23:46
  You know, I want to start before it.
• 23:48
  So what did it look like in your house when you thought everything was fine?
• 23:53
  Yeah.
• 23:53
  And this is going to be a tough one today because this is Ralph being introspective in a lot of ways.
• 23:58
  And I can tell you right now, having dealt with, with this for a long time, I honestly believe that financial issues are the number one cause of divorce in this country.
• 24:08
  I don't think it's infidelity.
• 24:11
  I don't think it's alcoholism.
• 24:12
  I don't think it's any of those things.
• 24:13
  I think the number one cause is financial issues because of the stress it causes.
• 24:19
  Yeah.
• 24:20
  And so the way this all starts is there were years when I thought everything was fine because I'm an accountant, I got this handled, you know, and, and from my side of the house, everything looked great.
• 24:31
  Yeah.
• 24:31
  But what I didn't realize is that's not how it felt to her.
• 24:35
  And see, being the one who handles the money is not the same as being partners in it.
• 24:39
  So that's the first thing I had to get to.
• 24:41
  And I want to share some stats here because I think these are really interesting.
• 24:46
  91% of partnered adults say they can talk openly about money with their partner.
• 24:51
  Now, I found this statistic interesting.
• 24:53
  Like 91% of partners that, say, could talk openly.
• 24:56
  Yeah.
• 24:56
  Which is interesting.
• 24:57
  But here's the other side of that.
• 24:58
  Only 29% actually do discuss day to day finances regularly.
• 25:05
  And so maybe I was in the 91.
• 25:07
  Like I always thought, oh, everything's fine, I got this covered, don't worry about it.
• 25:10
  We're in the 91%.
• 25:13
  Oh, so.
• 25:13
  So what I'm hearing from like potentially the stats is like the 91%.
• 25:17
  They're just like one person thinks, oh, I got the money covered, I did it.
• 25:21
  So if I did it, then we did it.
• 25:23
  But it wasn't actually including the partner in these conversations that you have a life together with.
• 25:28
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 25:29
  And the thing, and I'm going to stop here for a second because the thing I didn't realize, and I've come to know this now, when you are in a partnership with somebody in a marriage or in a.
• 25:39
  Whatever you want to call it, I mean, people have different philosophies on this now, but let's just say you're together financially or together in a committed relationship.
• 25:46
  That's probably the best way to say it.
• 25:47
  Okay.
• 25:48
  What you got to realize is that each of you is bringing these suitcases with you.
• 25:53
  I mean, you got baggage.
• 25:54
  I don't care where you came from, there is baggage.
• 25:58
  And what I didn't realize, and I came from a pretty warped situation, my parents split up when I was 8.
• 26:04
  I've shared with people before.
• 26:05
  The last thing my dad said on the way out the door was, hey, you're man of the house.
• 26:09
  Nobody is ready to be man of the house at 8.
• 26:13
  And I don't hate him for it.
• 26:15
  It is what it is.
• 26:18
  But then what I lived in was this crazy dichotomy.
• 26:21
  Just picture this, Juliet.
• 26:23
  So here's my mom raising two kids.
• 26:25
  Now, my dad was not in another country, he was in another town, 20 minutes away.
• 26:30
  And looking back at it now, he was very generous with my mom.
• 26:33
  He set her up with a house that she didn't have to pay for a car and all that.
• 26:37
  But the, the lifestyle we lived between the two was completely different.
• 26:41
  And so what I saw as a kid, Monday through Friday and every other weekend was my mom was one of those people that paid attention to her money because she didn't have a lot of.
• 26:51
  My mom had to go back to work when my dad left.
• 26:53
  We, you know, she didn't go out and spend frivolously, all those type of things.
• 26:57
  And then I would go to my dad's house every other weekend.
• 27:00
  And my dad was a wealthy guy.
• 27:01
  He used to carry.
• 27:02
  You gotta picture something.
• 27:03
  When I was a kid, my dad owned five or six gas stations.
• 27:07
  So he, my dad's always been an entrepreneur.
• 27:10
  He's always been, been that go getter.
• 27:12
  And he would always have this wad of cash.
• 27:13
  Like when I was a kid, he would take out that wad of cash and you would just see the money flying.
• 27:16
  Well, when we would go to his house on the weekends, he would drop $1,000 at dinner.
• 27:21
  It was no big deal.
• 27:23
  But can you imagine as a kid, you go from a mom who thinks going out to dinner on the high side is going to Burger King and a dad who's going to.
• 27:32
  I'm going to use a local in the city of Philadelphia.
• 27:35
  There was a restaurant there called Seven Stars.
• 27:37
  And you're talking about four or $500 for dinner for two, $1,000 for dinner for four.
• 27:44
  And that would also include a limo ride.
• 27:46
  And that was just the reality I lived in.
• 27:48
  Yeah.
• 27:49
  So when I come into a marriage, you know, I come from this place of this weird like balance of, you know, I've got wealth here and not wealth there.
• 27:56
  And, and so I had all these expectations.
• 27:59
  So if you had to like.
• 28:01
  Oh, I was gonna say, like when you went into the marriage and you went into your marriage, into your relationships and you know, you guys start to get serious and start, you know, talking about thinking about fine finances
• 28:13
  but then how to build your life together, do you remember what your mindset about money at the time was?
• 28:19
  Absolutely.
• 28:20
  I was like, I handle it.
• 28:21
  This is what I do.
• 28:22
  You don't, you don't have to ask questions about it all.
• 28:24
  No, I got it.
• 28:25
  You know what?
• 28:26
  And honestly, with my, with my wife now, I had been married before.
• 28:29
  My first marriage is about three and a half years.
• 28:30
  I call that a mulligan.
• 28:32
  If you ever played golf, that's a do over.
• 28:34
  So I come into this marriage, my wife had already had my oldest son.
• 28:38
  He was two and a half when I met her.
• 28:40
  He used to call me Rouse because he couldn't say Ralph.
• 28:43
  And then I adopted him when he was three.
• 28:45
  So he's known me as dad from the beginning.
• 28:47
  He and I have a wonderful relationship.
• 28:49
  But anyway, she came into the marriage knowing that she was going to be a stay at home mom.
• 28:54
  That's what we had already decided.
• 28:56
  And we had been married for a couple months.
• 28:58
  And then we find out she's having our child together, which has been beautiful.
• 29:03
  But so from, from our perspective, the role was always Ralph goes and slays the dragons and you know, my wife stays home and takes care of the house and the kids, which is a valuable listen.
• 29:14
  If you hear nothing else, I say, stay at home moms is a tough job.
• 29:19
  It's a hard job, and it's a thankless job.
• 29:22
  It took me a long time to understand that, but I know that now.
• 29:26
  But so going into the marriage, it was very much.
• 29:29
  Ralph's got that handled.
• 29:31
  I don't need to have questions about it.
• 29:32
  I just got it handled.
• 29:34
  The downside to that is raising two small boys and a wife and inflation and cars and all this kind of stuff.
• 29:42
  There were many days where I was like, I don't know how I'm going to do this.
• 29:46
  Were you suffering in silence?
• 29:48
  Is that what you're saying?
• 29:48
  Absolutely.
• 29:49
  Yeah.
• 29:49
  I was carrying it all myself because I couldn't have the conversation, Because I remember many times I would get the credit card bills and listen, I'm just like everybody else.
• 29:57
  I ran my credit cards up.
• 29:59
  I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, living paycheck to paycheck, whatever other analogies you can use.
• 30:05
  But the problem was I never felt like I could go to my wife and say, hey, I'm struggling right now.
• 30:12
  Because it was always, well, Ralph's gonna handle it.
• 30:15
  Right.
• 30:15
  And, you know, I always took on that role of, like, this is my job.
• 30:18
  This is what I have to do.
• 30:20
  Yeah.
• 30:20
  So I suffered in silence.
• 30:22
  And that's not meant as a.
• 30:24
  That's no.
• 30:24
  Derogatory to my wife.
• 30:26
  No.
• 30:26
  But she just assumed everything was fine.
• 30:29
  Yeah.
• 30:30
  So what was it that changed?
• 30:32
  That made you realize, oh, oh, no.
• 30:35
  So we're gonna go to the end of the story, then we'll work our way backwards.
• 30:38
  Does that sound like a plan?
• 30:40
  Yeah.
• 30:40
  What changed is the day my wife said to me, I'm leaving you.
• 30:45
  And I said, what?
• 30:45
  What?
• 30:46
  You're what?
• 30:48
  Yeah, yeah.
• 30:48
  I'm gonna be very transparent.
• 30:50
  It wasn't just the finances.
• 30:51
  And I shared this with Juliet yesterday, because I am.
• 30:54
  I'm a man who's willing to admit my failures, and in a lot of ways, I make no excuses for it.
• 31:01
  But I was a tyrant.
• 31:03
  I was that guy who was meant.
• 31:05
  It was physically abusive.
• 31:06
  There was never any of that.
• 31:07
  But mentally abusive, verbally abusive.
• 31:10
  Add to that this feeling of insecurity because, as I shared last Thursday on the show, I wasn't doing the right things saving for retirement.
• 31:19
  I wasn't doing the right things of showing her security.
• 31:24
  So what led to finally a decision about when she says she's leaving and the moving truck was pulling up an hour later.
• 31:30
  Whoa.
• 31:31
  And that's what happened.
• 31:33
  Oh, I was gonna ask, like.
• 31:35
  No, no, sorry.
• 31:36
  I don't want to cut you off.
• 31:37
  Please continue.
• 31:37
  No, it's okay.
• 31:38
  And.
• 31:38
  And so through a lot of prayer, through a lot of work, and I don't want to get into all the details, but she left, moved to another state, got engaged to another person.
• 31:49
  I did the same thing.
• 31:50
  I didn't move to another state, got engaged with another person.
• 31:52
  And we both realized that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.
• 31:58
  And it was about a week before our divorce was to be final.
• 32:02
  I gave her a call and I said, hey, how are things down where you are?
• 32:05
  She goes, not good.
• 32:06
  How are things with you?
• 32:07
  I'm like, not good.
• 32:09
  And so I'm happy to say today that two days before the divorce was final, we got back together.
• 32:15
  And that was in 19 or 20.
• 32:17
  19.
• 32:19
  And yesterday we celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary.
• 32:22
  Now, here's the thing I will be honest about.
• 32:25
  There is damage that I did that I can never fix.
• 32:29
  Right.
• 32:29
  So if you're listening right now and you're still in a place where you can fix this.
• 32:33
  Yeah, do that.
• 32:35
  Listen to the rest of the show, because I'm going to give you some things here in a few minutes that will help you fix this.
• 32:41
  Because I see what John put in the chat.
• 32:42
  He said divorce was the reason finance was the reason for my divorce.
• 32:47
  Whenever I wanted to talk finances, I got the I'm too busy response until we were $100,000 in credit card debt.
• 32:55
  Thank you for sharing that, John.
• 32:57
  Yeah.
• 32:57
  Oh, I was gonna ask Ralph, like, when, you know, you guys were on the way to divorce there and to where you are today, there must be some kind of, like, shedding of your own ego in regards to,
• 33:10
  like, finance or, like, how to.
• 33:12
  Right.
• 33:12
  Because you mentioned previously you were shouldering everything on your own because you thought you had to carry the household.
• 33:19
  What was that ego shedding, like, specifically in regards to finance?
• 33:24
  How did you start to have those conversations with your wife?
• 33:28
  Well, the first thing I did was shut up and listen.
• 33:30
  And I asked her, I said, what is it about our finances that bothers you?
• 33:35
  And she was very transparent.
• 33:36
  She says, ralph, I'm worried about my retirement.
• 33:39
  She says, I don't have a job outside the home.
• 33:41
  I don't have a 401k plan.
• 33:43
  I don't have a backup plan.
• 33:45
  You are my backup plan.
• 33:47
  And I said, okay, well, what does that look like?
• 33:49
  She says, you need to start putting money aside for our retirement.
• 33:54
  So what I did was Because I'm a guy that understands this.
• 33:58
  I put her on the payroll, and I said, you know what?
• 34:00
  Here's what we're going to do.
• 34:01
  I make a commitment to you that every year for the rest of the time we're working, I am going to contribute 100% of whatever the maximum contribution is into our retirement plans, each of us.
• 34:13
  And I'm happy to say, as I sit here right now, I've done that for the last seven years straight.
• 34:18
  And it took me a long time to understand, like, why that was so important to her.
• 34:21
  So let's go back to the baggage.
• 34:23
  Yeah.
• 34:24
  And so when we started to talk these things through, I started to understand why.
• 34:28
  She came from a place where she would get home from school and the cable TV would be shut off because somebody didn't pay the bill.
• 34:34
  She came from a place where there was.
• 34:36
  And she didn't come from a place of despair.
• 34:39
  I mean, her parents both worked, they had good money, but they just didn't pay attention to where they spent their money.
• 34:44
  So for her, it was.
• 34:46
  Ralph, you're not listening to me.
• 34:48
  You're not hearing me.
• 34:49
  You're not giving me the security that I need.
• 34:52
  So what changed for me is understanding that it's not just me, that there's two people in this.
• 34:58
  And listen, I'm one of these guys that likes to spend.
• 35:00
  I'll be very honest about that.
• 35:02
  I'm an impulsive guy.
• 35:03
  I like to spend.
• 35:04
  My wife is the opposite of that.
• 35:06
  My wife is a saver.
• 35:08
  But the problem is you can't just.
• 35:10
  You can't just say, well, I'm gonna just let her do all the talking.
• 35:12
  I'm gonna let her be the saver, and I'm just gonna buckle up.
• 35:14
  That's not gonna work.
• 35:16
  Yeah.
• 35:16
  You've got to learn the word compromise.
• 35:18
  And that's what we're at now.
• 35:19
  We're at a compromise.
• 35:20
  So every month, I make sure she gets her 401k matched.
• 35:24
  I do the same for mine.
• 35:26
  She gets.
• 35:26
  I don't use the word allowance because it sounds like I'm being demeaning to her.
• 35:29
  That's not what I mean.
• 35:30
  But she has money that she can spend.
• 35:32
  I have money that I can spend.
• 35:33
  We have conversations about all of these things.
• 35:36
  Is it perfect?
• 35:37
  No.
• 35:37
  Is there.
• 35:38
  Is there more that I could probably do?
• 35:40
  Yes.
• 35:41
  So the ego is shedding.
• 35:44
  But I think it would be honest to say that it's not quite shed 100% yet if I'm being very honest.
• 35:50
  Well, just my own thought is, I Think it's really hard to shed completely of your own ego because we're all human.
• 35:56
  I will say that.
• 35:57
  Yeah.
• 35:57
  I'm gonna throw a couple other stats out there because I'm a stat guy.
• 35:59
  And this is really interesting, too.
• 36:00
  So we talked about that first one that, you know, 91 say they can talk, 29 actually do.
• 36:08
  68 didn't fully know their partner's financial picture until they moved in together.
• 36:14
  So here's the takeaway right now.
• 36:16
  Yeah.
• 36:17
  You can take this one to the bank.
• 36:18
  If you are going to get into a committed relationship with somebody, pull each other's credit report.
• 36:26
  Yeah.
• 36:27
  Seriously.
• 36:27
  I mean, it sounds like it, but if.
• 36:29
  Listen, and this is going to sound funny, if you trust somebody enough to sleep with that person.
• 36:34
  Yeah.
• 36:35
  Then you need to understand the financial picture because here's what happens.
• 36:38
  And I've seen it play out so many times.
• 36:40
  Yeah.
• 36:40
  Those hidden things.
• 36:41
  And then what happens is something, oh, we're going to buy a house together.
• 36:45
  And then all of a sudden, one of the parties goes, I better be honest here.
• 36:50
  Look, we all make mistakes with our credit.
• 36:52
  We all make mistakes with our finances.
• 36:54
  But if you're going to go into a relationship with somebody, be honest with them.
• 36:58
  If your credit is a nightmare, I'm not saying that you can't get married to somebody.
• 37:04
  I'm saying know that.
• 37:06
  Yeah.
• 37:06
  Because 68% don't know.
• 37:09
  18%, it took them more than a year to get there.
• 37:13
  That's a big deal.
• 37:14
  Yeah.
• 37:14
  And it's those things because there are times in a relationship where your spouse comes back to you and said, why didn't you tell me about this, Ralph?
• 37:22
  Why didn't you tell me that this was going on?
• 37:24
  Why didn't you tell me this was going on?
• 37:26
  I think it's much easier to have a relationship based on trust than to start off with, oh, I didn't realize you had this debt and this debt and a hundred thousand dollars worth of credit card debt and this
• 37:36
  charge offs and you can't get a car loan because, man, that just causes so much strife in a relationship.
• 37:42
  I think you just talked about something really important is like, if you're really serious about this person, have that honest conversation and pull each other's credit report.
• 37:50
  That's a really good starting thing.
• 37:53
  And this is something that I'm assuming you would do too, with this knowledge if you were to go back.
• 37:59
  Yeah, I think that's, number one, pull their credit report.
• 38:01
  Number two, have a conversation about what finances look like in your world, what your expectations Are.
• 38:10
  I like that.
• 38:11
  I like the more like, specific question is, what does finance look like?
• 38:15
  What are your expectations?
• 38:17
  So it's not just what is it right now, but what do you guys want to do together for yourself and as a.
• 38:22
  As a partnership as well.
• 38:23
  Yeah.
• 38:24
  Because what happens is a lot of us default to being quiet.
• 38:28
  Silence.
• 38:29
  And that's interesting.
• 38:30
  Statistics show 49% avoid money conversation on purpose, specifically to prevent an argument.
• 38:37
  Well, that's the issue.
• 38:38
  Like, if it's going to.
• 38:39
  Because you don't know how to talk about it.
• 38:41
  Right.
• 38:42
  You got to talk about it.
• 38:44
  Here's why they don't.
• 38:44
  Here's why they avoid it.
• 38:45
  44% worry it starts a fight.
• 38:48
  31% they don't want to worry their partner.
• 38:51
  21%, they said they're afraid of being judged or lectured.
• 38:54
  16% are worried it drags in other hard subjects.
• 38:58
  And 12% say they fear they'll be told to change something.
• 39:02
  But that's kind of like the honest truth when talking about finances.
• 39:05
  Right.
• 39:05
  Like, no doubt it is going to bring in all of these other hard conversations, but then at the end of the day, it's thinking, oh, are you willing to have those conversations with the person you're with?
• 39:16
  Yeah.
• 39:17
  And like John said in the chat, he says, you know, I got the I'm too busy response.
• 39:23
  You can't be too busy.
• 39:24
  One of the things that I think that every married couple should do, do is once a week, have a financial date night.
• 39:33
  Oh, okay.
• 39:34
  And sit down and talk.
• 39:35
  Yeah.
• 39:35
  Let me break it down for you.
• 39:37
  What came in this week, what went out this week?
• 39:40
  What are our dreams and goals as a couple?
• 39:43
  And what are some things we need to tweak to get where we are?
• 39:46
  Need to get to where we are, where we're going.
• 39:49
  We talk about this under the money.
• 39:50
  Yeah.
• 39:51
  We talk about this in the money, in the dollar job framework.
• 39:53
  Yeah.
• 39:54
  If you're married, the dream about finances is a joint dream.
• 39:58
  You've already made that decision.
• 39:59
  It's not just you in the boat.
• 40:02
  You're both in the boat.
• 40:03
  So you got to check in with each other.
• 40:05
  Because what happens is these things stay in secret, and when they stay in secret, it leads to an imbalance.
• 40:11
  Listen to this one.
• 40:12
  24% of people admit to hiding a money secret from their partner.
• 40:17
  Right.
• 40:17
  Now, when you ask people in general, 1/4 right now, 7% are carrying credit card debt their partners don't know about.
• 40:25
  Ooh.
• 40:26
  Yeah.
• 40:27
  Oh.
• 40:27
  We have a comment from enforceeeker.
• 40:31
  You should be able to be honest about your debts, Even if you're embarrassed, if you move in together, you both need to know the expectations of what you can contribute to the household.
• 40:40
  Very true.
• 40:41
  That is 100% well.
• 40:43
  And that deserves an applause.
• 40:46
  Because it's so true.
• 40:47
  It's so true.
• 40:49
  Because if you don't start off from a place of honesty, if you don't start off from a place of transparency, this thing is going to fester like a wound, and it's going to hurt worse when you pull that
• 41:00
  band aid off and expose that wound.
• 41:01
  It's just going to.
• 41:03
  Yeah.
• 41:04
  Can I ask for, from your own experience, like, you know, as you guys started to unravel these conversations, was there a specific topic that hurt the most where you're like, oh, I don't know, like, I feel like there's
• 41:18
  like a mental block that's stopping me.
• 41:20
  But you've worked your way through it.
• 41:22
  There's two things.
• 41:23
  Thing number one was having to admit that, yes, I have a master's degree in finance, and I don't know all the answers.
• 41:31
  That was hard.
• 41:32
  Yeah.
• 41:32
  And the second thing was having to accept that I couldn't just spend wherever I wanted to spend.
• 41:38
  Ah, that was hard.
• 41:41
  Yeah.
• 41:41
  You did say you, you did say you were a spender, and then now you're like a.
• 41:47
  Somewhere in the middle.
• 41:47
  Right.
• 41:48
  Because you do save.
• 41:49
  But I do say.
• 41:50
  But my, but my, my propensity is shiny green object.
• 41:55
  Shiny object.
• 41:55
  Let me go buy it.
• 41:56
  Yeah, yeah.
• 41:57
  But I also have to now realize that, okay, what does that mean to my relationship?
• 42:02
  Right.
• 42:03
  You know, I'll be honest with you.
• 42:04
  I'll share something else.
• 42:04
  My first marriage ended because of finances.
• 42:06
  And I'll tell you what happened.
• 42:07
  It's a very interesting story.
• 42:09
  My first wife was going to be.
• 42:11
  Is a school teacher.
• 42:12
  And she told me about seven or eight months before this particular situation happened that she was going to need to.
• 42:19
  To stop working and would have to go and student teach so she wouldn't be making any money.
• 42:24
  Okay.
• 42:25
  And of course, coming from this, and I'm not, I'm not, not, not saying I wasn't responsible, but coming from a place of living with my mom who every dollar was, we don't have that kind of money.
• 42:36
  I heard that so many times when I was a kid.
• 42:38
  My mom used to say that all the time, we don't have that kind of money.
• 42:40
  God rest her soul.
• 42:41
  That's what she would say all the time.
• 42:42
  And I was like, well, what kind of money do we have?
• 42:43
  Because it sucks anyway.
• 42:46
  So I was Going to spend money.
• 42:47
  If I made money, I spent money.
• 42:51
  Yeah.
• 42:52
  So my first wife, what do I do?
• 42:54
  As soon as she says to me, I'm going to quit my job, I went out and bought a motorcycle.
• 42:57
  Oh, that's an interesting response.
• 43:00
  And I went out and bought a big screen tv.
• 43:02
  And she goes, wow, you know, do you care about me?
• 43:06
  She said, do you get like, I'm going to have to make a decision to not work?
• 43:10
  And we were, listen, we were living on the edge.
• 43:12
  I mean, like two young people, we had a townhouse, all these type of things.
• 43:16
  And there were deeper issues.
• 43:17
  I'm not going to get into deeper issues.
• 43:18
  But looking back at it now, it was all my own stupidity.
• 43:22
  Like, I could have just said, you know what, Ralph, Pay attention to what somebody see.
• 43:25
  Ralph's the kind of person I'm talking to.
• 43:27
  Third person sounds really funny, but Ralph's the kind of person that's got to put his hand on the stove and get burnt before he finally realizes there's a problem.
• 43:36
  So this is a big deal and it's affected me and this is hard to talk about a little bit, but.
• 43:40
  But I know there are people that are going to hear this and go, yeah, I got to have that conversation.
• 43:46
  Yeah.
• 43:46
  I see John in the chat saying, you mean once a week, octagon cage match?
• 43:51
  I don't know what that is, but that sounds interesting because I had to wrestle the finances away from my wife, and it was brutal.
• 43:57
  I would only give her money when she showed me a check made out to a bill.
• 44:01
  Yeah.
• 44:02
  And John, and you ended up divorcing.
• 44:04
  So I think the telltale signs were there.
• 44:07
  If you got to the point of a cage match.
• 44:08
  What he's talking about is like, mma, like they put a cage, an octagon cage, and they beat the hell out of each other in a cage.
• 44:15
  Like a.
• 44:15
  Not an actual event event.
• 44:17
  Yeah.
• 44:18
  Like, if you're at that point, John, and I think you already alluded to the fact that there's a problem here.
• 44:23
  Yeah.
• 44:23
  And that's one thing you got to come and.
• 44:24
  And that's why being.
• 44:26
  I'm gonna say two words.
• 44:27
  Being transparent with your partner is very important.
• 44:30
  And if somebody is not being transparent with you, that's a sign.
• 44:36
  You know, mom and dad will tell you, don't marry that guy because he's a bum.
• 44:39
  But he may prove himself to be a bum if he's not willing to share with you what his expectations are or what your.
• 44:46
  Both of your expectations are going into marriage.
• 44:49
  Because this is it's just going to get harder.
• 44:51
  I had a conversation with my, my daughter in law yesterday.
• 44:53
  We're, we're going to be talking about this on the show next week.
• 44:57
  She's a new mother, she's decided not to work.
• 44:59
  And her and I and my son were on FaceTime so I could see my grandson yesterday.
• 45:04
  And I said to him, I said, you know, how hard has it been, this change in dynamics?
• 45:08
  And her name is Hunter.
• 45:09
  She goes, yeah.
• 45:10
  She says, but I trust Ryan and that's my son.
• 45:14
  And that's a beautiful thing.
• 45:15
  Like, I almost cried when she said that because that's amazing.
• 45:19
  When your partner trusts you enough to where they can say, okay, I can handle this.
• 45:24
  That's an amazing thing.
• 45:26
  Yeah, Yeah.
• 45:27
  I see Duchess of NJ writing in the chat for my household.
• 45:30
  Duchess processes and pays the bills, but we have discussions all the time.
• 45:34
  I have a question here just to, you know, get more questions out for people in relationships.
• 45:40
  When you're doing these things like paying the bills and processing the bills, what kind of other questions have come up for come up for you and your partner that's important to talk about, not just like the big dreams
• 45:51
  or like the bills.
• 45:52
  But is there anything else that you guys talk about?
• 45:55
  Well, I think there are some.
• 45:56
  And let's go right to it because I think these are the takeaways that I think we need to talk about because this is, we're going to be talking a lot about this tomorrow.
• 46:03
  But here are the things that I think you really need to do, which is what you're getting at.
• 46:07
  Yeah.
• 46:08
  20 minute money meeting on the shared calendar every week.
• 46:12
  And it needs to be every week.
• 46:13
  You got to do that.
• 46:14
  Yeah.
• 46:15
  And you got to have a rule that you don't make decisions.
• 46:17
  You just have a conversation.
• 46:19
  That's a big deal.
• 46:20
  Because both of you need to be heard.
• 46:22
  And both of you, if you're a saver, if you're a spender, both of you need to win sometimes.
• 46:27
  Another thing you got to do, and this is one of the things, Sage advice, agree on a check in number.
• 46:33
  What is the number to which each of you says something before spending it?
• 46:37
  I don't expect husband and wife to check in and say, I'm going to stop and get a Dunkin Donuts coffee.
• 46:42
  That's ridiculous.
• 46:43
  Right.
• 46:44
  But there has to be a number in your relationship.
• 46:46
  You're like, you know what?
• 46:47
  Time out.
• 46:48
  Maybe it's $50, maybe it's $100.
• 46:52
  That's a discussion though.
• 46:53
  Yeah.
• 46:54
  What is that number to?
• 46:55
  Where I've got to make a phone call.
• 46:56
  I've got to sit down and have a conversation.
• 46:58
  That's why I love this weekly conversation, because you might say, well, look, I want to go buy something for the workshop.
• 47:04
  You know, I got to buy a new band saw or something like that.
• 47:07
  That's a conversation of that.
• 47:10
  It's a point of where you can.
• 47:11
  But.
• 47:12
  But the other thing is give each other some fun money.
• 47:14
  I think that's a very healthy thing.
• 47:16
  Yes.
• 47:17
  Make it equal.
• 47:18
  Make it so that both of you are feeling heard.
• 47:21
  But.
• 47:21
  But.
• 47:21
  But.
• 47:21
  Get past the basics.
• 47:23
  Understand the joint.
• 47:25
  You're doing a joint dream now.
• 47:27
  That's so important.
• 47:28
  And I wish I had known at the beginning, like, I.
• 47:30
  I think that a lot of this could have been prevented if I thought about all of her needs and put her needs before mine.
• 47:37
  You know, a friend of mine said to me, he says, how do you define love?
• 47:42
  I'm gonna get real philosophical here for a second, because I think it's important.
• 47:45
  Yeah.
• 47:46
  In my view, love is deciding to put someone's needs above yours.
• 47:50
  And if you want a marriage to work, you're gonna have to do that.
• 47:54
  Now.
• 47:54
  You don't have to do that every single day.
• 47:55
  It's not easy.
• 47:57
  But I'm telling you, when it comes to finances, get on the same page.
• 48:02
  It's not going to happen overnight.
• 48:03
  It's a journey.
• 48:05
  And you may have dug yourself holes.
• 48:06
  You guys might be in warring.
• 48:08
  Like John said, you might be in an MMA cage match.
• 48:12
  Yeah.
• 48:13
  The fact that you're still in the cage is a good sign because you're willing to engage with each other.
• 48:19
  But.
• 48:19
  Engage.
• 48:20
  We're going to talk a lot more about this tomorrow, but engage.
• 48:23
  Yeah.
• 48:24
  Because when you stop talking, the silent divorce is a real deal.
• 48:29
  Yes.
• 48:29
  Yes, I see.
• 48:30
  Duchess has a couple more things.
• 48:32
  Frequency of stopping for a coffee.
• 48:34
  Wawa is in a daily multiple rotation for the dh.
• 48:37
  What is the DH Is.
• 48:38
  That's not.
• 48:39
  I don't.
• 48:39
  I don't know what DH is.
• 48:40
  Let's see.
• 48:41
  Frequency of stopping for Huawei is in a daily rotation for the dh.
• 48:44
  I have no idea.
• 48:46
  I have no idea.
• 48:47
  Duchess, what is the dh?
• 48:49
  What is the dh?
• 48:50
  And she also says we discuss big expenses.
• 48:52
  I would be interested in knowing that, Dutches, if you don't mind sharing.
• 48:56
  What is a big expense for you?
• 48:58
  What is that number that you and your husband have decided is the right number?
• 49:04
  Because everybody's just different.
• 49:06
  I mean, it comes down to your lifestyle.
• 49:08
  That comes down to your, you know, your.
• 49:10
  Your disposable.
• 49:11
  Income, you know, what are you saving for?
• 49:14
  Oh, dear.
• 49:14
  Husband.
• 49:15
  That's what she came up with.
• 49:16
  So.
• 49:17
  So what she was saying, if frequent stopping for coffee.
• 49:19
  Wawa is a daily multiple rotation for the.
• 49:22
  Yeah, but it sounds like Dutchess, and I don't want to speak for you and your husband, but it sounds like.
• 49:26
  Like you recognize that and that's just something you're willing to accept or you're going to talk about it.
• 49:30
  I think that's a big deal.
• 49:32
  Yeah.
• 49:32
  And there's a poll in the chat right now, so if you guys are able to vote in the chat, that'd be amazing.
• 49:38
  How often do you and your partner actually talk money?
• 49:41
  And so 67% of people said weekly, and then 33.3% is occasionally.
• 49:47
  So I think this is just like a.
• 49:49
  I think this whole conversation really is for.
• 49:53
  For everybody to think about what they want to have out of their partnership, no matter what it looks like, and then how to start engaging in those conversations, having meaningful conversations about finances.
• 50:04
  Because like Ralph said, a lot of marriages, the biggest issue that they run into is finance.
• 50:11
  Yeah.
• 50:12
  And I agree with you.
• 50:12
  And here's the thing I want to leave this with.
• 50:14
  And we're going to.
• 50:14
  We'll finish up here in a second.
• 50:15
  But being the one who handles the money is not the same as being on the same page.
• 50:20
  You got to accept that.
• 50:21
  And the fix isn't trying harder.
• 50:23
  It's a standing time, a shared number and one place.
• 50:26
  You can both see that's the key to all this.
• 50:28
  And Dutchess put in there for her a hundred dollars or a home expense stuff.
• 50:31
  I think that's a brilliant thing.
• 50:32
  And looks like this in four.
• 50:34
  Seeker also has a comment here, says discuss bigger projects for the house, travel or events.
• 50:42
  We each have responsibilities, bills that we take care of that we discussed when moving in.
• 50:46
  Beautiful.
• 50:47
  Well done.
• 50:48
  It all comes down to, you know, one of the words I used yesterday being intentional.
• 50:52
  Yeah.
• 50:53
  And this is part of that.
• 50:54
  And we're not going to leave this here.
• 50:55
  Tomorrow we're going to have Karen Hackman.
• 50:57
  She's going to join us.
• 50:57
  She's a finance coach who works with couples on exactly this.
• 51:01
  And she runs a thing called Money and Marriage.
• 51:03
  And I told you today what it cost him.
• 51:05
  Tomorrow she's going to get the part that neither of us can give you, which is what it looks like from somebody who does it for a living with people over and over.
• 51:12
  So bring your questions tomorrow.
• 51:14
  She's a great lady.
• 51:14
  She's actually a missionary in Kenya.
• 51:17
  She's from the United Kingdom, but a wealth of knowledge and a great person to have on the show tomorrow.
• 51:23
  And before we end the segment, infor seeker has one more thing to say.
• 51:26
  Anything outside of the, you know, discuss bigger projects for the house traveler events they either take on themselves or they discuss to split it.
• 51:36
  So love seeing that, you know, re engagement of finances.
• 51:39
  No matter what it is, as it gets gets the expenses get bigger and bigger.
• 51:43
  Yeah.
• 51:43
  I will say one thing.
• 51:45
  This is kind of generational too.
• 51:46
  I've noticed there's a different generations there.
• 51:49
  The, the younger generations, as I get a little more gray hair, handled this a little differently and I'm not sure we handled it better, to be honest.
• 51:56
  I, I think that what I'm seeing in younger couples that I work with, younger couples that I counsel, they would actually be doing this a little bit better.
• 52:03
  And I'm seeing a lot more people that have his finances and her finances and our finances.
• 52:08
  Ralph, you know what I say?
• 52:10
  I think it's like growing up, just growing up and seeing all the trauma.
• 52:14
  Like you've definitely experienced it yourself growing up.
• 52:18
  Right.
• 52:18
  And I think the newer generations, they're just like, we want to live.
• 52:21
  Life is already hard enough and we want to live.
• 52:24
  We want to live as peacefully as possible.
• 52:27
  And what that means is be willing to have those hard conversations and learning and building those muscles early on, which I love to see it.
• 52:36
  Absolutely.
• 52:36
  Well, let's move into our Money Move Check In.
• 52:38
  How's that sound?
• 52:39
  That sounds good.
• 52:44
  So this week's Money Move Check in, we are asking a couple of things.
• 52:49
  One is whoever your phone provider is, put a pin on it because that's important.
• 52:54
  Number two is get two Factor authentication, short for two fa.
• 52:59
  I mean two FA multifactor.
• 53:03
  Get it on your email, get it on your bank statements, all of that.
• 53:06
  Can I also add something?
• 53:08
  Because I saw this yesterday.
• 53:09
  Ralph.
• 53:10
  Okay.
• 53:10
  The reason why we're doing this is because security is so important these days with the rise of everything, like technology is out to get us a little bit.
• 53:19
  It's super important.
• 53:20
  Yesterday actually saw that there were potential scams.
• 53:25
  Like you can go into your Fidelity and your Vanguard accounts, those brokerages, or, you know, savings account, and you can put a lock of on your money leaving your account too.
• 53:36
  Because I think there's like a new wave of scams coming in that are just trying to like steal your money directly.
• 53:41
  And they'll do it from all these like phishing, spoofing.
• 53:43
  Oh, this looks like a Google authentication sign in.
• 53:49
  But then once you do that.
• 53:50
  They actually see your information.
• 53:51
  So security is super important.
• 53:54
  Go make sure all your accounts, all your money is safe and sound.
• 53:58
  Absolutely.
• 53:59
  That is very wise advice.
• 54:00
  And I think you said you're already done all those things.
• 54:02
  So we're going to check in with everybody tomorrow.
• 54:05
  Tomorrow is.
• 54:05
  I can't believe it's going to be Friday tomorrow already.
• 54:08
  I'm glad.
• 54:10
  Been a long week, right?
• 54:11
  It has, it has.
• 54:13
  Well, I want to dig one more thing.
• 54:14
  Here's an interesting thing is we're talking about couples, we're talking about doing things wise isn't a statistic that I wasn't shocked by, but it's the thing.
• 54:22
  70% of people don't have a will.
• 54:24
  And being an accountant, I've worked with people and almost never, buddy, never anybody said to me, I don't want a will.
• 54:31
  They always mean to do it.
• 54:32
  They just don't get around to it.
• 54:34
  And it just goes by year after year.
• 54:35
  You don't get around to it.
• 54:36
  And then something happens and you need those documents.
• 54:39
  And here's what it looks like when it doesn't happen.
• 54:42
  You need to get to that money.
• 54:43
  Somebody's gonna have to figure out how to get through a frozen account or everything's going into probate.
• 54:48
  Well, Easy Will and trust closes that gap.
• 54:51
  And that's why I love this product.
• 54:53
  You go online in one sitting.
• 54:55
  For $149, you can build your own will, a durable power of attorney and the healthcare directive.
• 55:00
  It's all attorney reviewed and it's built for your state.
• 55:03
  If you're interested in finding out more information and listen, everybody needs to get these documents.
• 55:08
  I am not an attorney.
• 55:10
  I'm an accountant.
• 55:11
  And that's why I love this company called Easy Will.
• 55:13
  If you're interested, go look at becoming financiallyconfident.comeasywill Again, that's becoming financially confident.comeasywill Check it out.
• 55:24
  It's super simple and it will keep you out of having problems when the inevitable happens.
• 55:30
  Because here's the thing, Juliet going to pass away at some point and we need to make sure that we are prepared for that and have our ducks in a row, as they say.
• 55:39
  I'm going to give a suggestion here.
• 55:41
  I think one of these, like, breakdowns and discussions, one of these days, can we talk about what should go into a will?
• 55:47
  Because I think with everybody, with aging parents and multigenerational families, like when these things happen and you do end up having to chase things down, it would be nice to know what to look out for.
• 55:58
  Yeah.
• 55:58
  And actually, I've got that in the works already.
• 56:00
  I'm looking for an elder law attorney because I think it would be great to have an attorney on the show.
• 56:06
  I did that a couple years ago, and it was a great show.
• 56:09
  It was an individual show back then when I was doing it.
• 56:11
  But I'd like to bring an attorney on and talk through those things because they're really above my level, what I'm supposed to talk about as an accountant.
• 56:18
  So I want to make sure we're doing that in the proper way.
• 56:22
  So if anybody actually knows an attorney that would like to come on the show, have them reach out to us.
• 56:27
  We'd be happy to bring them on the show.
• 56:28
  I think they bring a lot of value to the show.
• 56:31
  And that's it for today's episode of becoming financially confident.
• 56:34
  I want to say that we have a lot of things planned coming up, whether it's, like, challenges or, you know, building out the community.
• 56:42
  If y' all have any thoughts on how to build out the community, please chip in.
• 56:46
  We definitely want to take your considerations in mind.
• 56:50
  And don't forget, share the show with other people.
• 56:52
  We had many more people on the show today.
• 56:54
  We're getting a lot of people seeing our YouTube hits and all that stuff.
• 56:57
  But this is information that people need to understand and people need to know.
• 57:01
  So if you know somebody that's.
• 57:03
  Look, all of us have to deal with money, right?
• 57:05
  If you know somebody that's struggling this.
• 57:07
  Talk to them about the show.
• 57:08
  Send them a link to the show to.
• 57:10
  Send them to becomingfinanciallyconfident.com because we can help them.
• 57:13
  So as we close out, I'm Ralph.
• 57:14
  Estep Jr.
• 57:16
  And I'm Juliet.
• 57:17
  And we will see you on tomorrow's show.
• 57:20
  Take care.
• 57:20
  Bye.