Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #793 Stop and Smell the Flowers

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#793 Stop and Smell the Flowers · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, what's happened with Paulina's experience with her son is
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Speaker 2: We're in a hurry. I need to be efficient. I
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Speaker 2: know that you want to do things your way, but
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Speaker 2: let's turn it into a competition. But it's normal and
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Speaker 2: natural for boys to be competitive, and it's also normal
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Speaker 2: and natural for parents to be saying hurry up.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 2: Each Tuesday on the Happy Families podcast, we do our
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Speaker 2: best to spend some time responding to listen to questions.
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Speaker 2: You can email your questions to podcasts that's podcasts with
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Speaker 2: an s podcasts at happy families dot com dot au. Kylie,
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Speaker 2: m um to our six kids, me doctor Justin Colson,
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Speaker 2: author of a whole bunch of books about making your
0:50
Speaker 2: family happier, and dad to those same six kids. Here's
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Speaker 2: the question that we have. It begins so nicely, Kylie, Hi,
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Speaker 2: doctor Justin, and Kylie. So I'd like to say start
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Speaker 2: by saying, I'm fully committed to totally binging your podcast
1:02
Speaker 2: at the moment went all the way back to episode
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Speaker 2: one and have been listening to it all from the beginning.
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Speaker 2: I'm obsessed, Kylie. I don't know that we actually need
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Speaker 2: to even answered this question. Surely after listening to something
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Speaker 2: like seven hundred episodes, if you're not a parenting expert,
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Speaker 2: b now, I no, don't know.
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Speaker 3: If she's gone back to number one. She hasn't even
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Speaker 3: got to me. She hasn't heard the expert.
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Speaker 2: Hey, it'd be really interesting to go back to those
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Speaker 2: early podcasts of yours when you're just beginning. We should
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Speaker 2: do that and do a replay compared then and now
1:28
Speaker 2: it's been three years.
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Speaker 3: That's scary.
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Speaker 2: Let's move on with the requests our from Pauline, who says,
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Speaker 2: listening to your podcast, I have been more intentional with
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Speaker 2: my family and couldn't help. But notice we have unknowingly
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Speaker 2: caused our four year old son to stress. We have
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Speaker 2: had a few issues in the past with emotional regulation,
1:52
Speaker 2: but it has been brought back to our attention by
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Speaker 2: his preschool. He rushes through coloring in and tracing tasks.
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Speaker 2: He's on edge and often up being physical with other kids.
2:02
Speaker 2: As I'm reflecting on our parenting with my son leaving
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Speaker 2: the preschool after a little chat with a teacher at pickup,
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Speaker 2: I'll often say to him, let's see who can get
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Speaker 2: to the gate first, And in that instant I realized
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Speaker 2: what I'd done. I've instilled in him the need to
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Speaker 2: move along fast at everything. Everything was a competition, rushed
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Speaker 2: or on a time limit. We had used races and
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Speaker 2: time limits to get him through tasks for as long
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Speaker 2: as we can remember. Let's see how fast you can
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Speaker 2: put your shoes on. Who can get to the gate first.
2:33
Speaker 2: Let's time how long it takes to get in the shower,
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Speaker 2: and see if we can do it faster than yesterday.
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Speaker 2: Are just a few examples. Or to encourage him to
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Speaker 2: get tasks done without realizing how this could potentially impact him.
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Speaker 2: We would lean on this approach every time we had
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Speaker 2: any pushback from him with the task, innocently trying to
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Speaker 2: make the task fun or appealing to him. When he
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Speaker 2: engages in independent play, he's very focused. He can sit
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Speaker 2: patiently in group times and other activities. There are no
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Speaker 2: concerns about learning to difficulties. We do, however, notice tasks
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Speaker 2: and competitive play can become problematic. He ruteous tweets so
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Speaker 2: he can be the first one on the play equipment
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Speaker 2: needs to make everything a race or a competition. He
3:10
Speaker 2: gets his flood of excitement and expresses it physically with
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Speaker 2: his friends and often takes it too far. Paulina finally says,
3:17
Speaker 2: we have implemented some breathing techniques, incorporating squeezing pillows or
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Speaker 2: plush toys when he feels the need to use his
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Speaker 2: body to express excitement, we want him to not hurt
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Speaker 2: his friends. What I would love to know is have
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Speaker 2: we created an over competitive child, and if so, how
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Speaker 2: do we undo this habit that we've instilled Or is
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Speaker 2: this something that requires more support from an occupational therapist?
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Speaker 2: Maybe so, Kylie Paulina has a question, she has a problem.
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Speaker 2: She's realizing this is an SOS. Yeah, maybe we're pushing
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Speaker 2: a little bit help too fast. The first thing that
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Speaker 2: I need to emphasize is that for an issue like this,
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Speaker 2: we do not need at this point an occupational therapist.
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Speaker 2: Occupational therapists do really important work. They do great work,
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Speaker 2: But in this instance, with a child who's four years old,
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Speaker 2: who's competitive, using their body a little bit too much
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Speaker 2: and is used to being rushed, this isn't an ot issue.
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Speaker 2: This is something that we can easily resolve in the family.
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Speaker 3: I think the next thing is Mum, stop feeling so guilty.
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Speaker 3: You can feel the weight on her shoulders because she
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Speaker 3: feels like she's done the wrong thing. What she's like,
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Speaker 3: what she has been intentional about, is making things fun.
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Speaker 3: And that's such a beautiful thing to be able to
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Speaker 3: do as a parent. Everything doesn't have to be serious
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Speaker 3: and boring.
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Speaker 2: I want to come back to that in a sec
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Speaker 2: but I really just want to sit for a moment
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Speaker 2: on your first point. I think there's a lot of
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Speaker 2: wisdom here. When we realize that we've done something that
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Speaker 2: isn't necessarily in our kids' best interests. Sometimes we feel
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Speaker 2: so much guilt and so much anxiety that we either
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Speaker 2: overcorrect or we kind of get stuck and paralyzed as
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Speaker 2: we try to analyze what we've done and Okay, well
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Speaker 2: where do I go next? What am I supposed to do?
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Speaker 2: And I just want to emphasiz what you've said and
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Speaker 2: highlight this isn't an emergency. This isn't a cause to
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Speaker 2: doubt yourself, feel guilty, or think that the world is
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Speaker 2: crashing in Nor is it a knee that there's no
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Speaker 2: need to bring in outside help. We can work on
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Speaker 2: this in really healthy, productive ways. And I love your
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Speaker 2: second point. I love this second point that much of this,
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Speaker 2: let's be honest, much of pauline As email is about
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Speaker 2: we are trying to get things done expediently. We're trying
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Speaker 2: to get things done efficiently. We just need our four
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Speaker 2: year old to listen.
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Speaker 3: Two year old, three year old four They don't do
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Speaker 3: anything fast. Usually their goal is to look at every
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Speaker 3: conceivable perspective.
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Speaker 2: I remember one day, book around the room weaving. We're
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Speaker 2: leaving swimming lessons, and one of our kids was walking
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Speaker 2: beside me, and I've got a photo of this on
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Speaker 2: my phone. As we were walking out of the swimming lessons,
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Speaker 2: she stopped because she was three years old, and there
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Speaker 2: were some flowers beside the footpath moving from the swimming
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Speaker 2: lessons to the car park, and she was putting her
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Speaker 2: knows her face into the flowers. She was trying to
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Speaker 2: smell these flowers. And I literally said, without thinking, it
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Speaker 2: was not like I was trying to be cheeky and smart,
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Speaker 2: which is unusual for me. Normally I am trying to
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Speaker 2: be cheeky and smart. But I literally looked at her
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Speaker 2: and said, we don't have time for you to stop
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Speaker 2: and smell those flowers. And as I said it, I
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Speaker 2: realized as it was coming out of my mouth what
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Speaker 2: I was saying, and that's when I stopped and took
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Speaker 2: a photo of it as a reminder for me that, oh,
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Speaker 2: my goodness, kids are exploring the world. And we've got
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Speaker 2: a bit of a challenge here, because while kids are
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Speaker 2: designed to explore and slow down and smell the flowers,
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Speaker 2: boys have been shown for decades now, we've known this.
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Speaker 2: Boys do respond to competitive prompts and impulses a lot
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Speaker 2: more than girls do. And so what's happened with Paulina's
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Speaker 2: experience with her son is we're in a hurry. I
6:51
Speaker 2: need to be efficient. I know that you want to
6:53
Speaker 2: do things your way, but let's turn it into a competition.
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Speaker 2: And that pervasive pattern has actually started to restructure the
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Speaker 2: way he approaches all of these other tasks. But it's
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Speaker 2: normal and natural for boys to be competitive, and it's
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Speaker 2: also normal and natural for parents to be saying hurry up.
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Speaker 2: I guess my point here, though, is to a childlove
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Speaker 2: is spelt time.
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Speaker 3: But it's also normal for a four year old to
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Speaker 3: struggle with his emotional regulation.
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Speaker 2: And to use his body way too much in unhelpful ways.
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Speaker 3: To expect that he wouldn't is counterintuitive to childhood and
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Speaker 3: growing up.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, so we've actually got a perfect confluence of factors
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Speaker 2: in terms of mum needing stuff done and a little
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Speaker 2: boy who wants to please mum, wants to use his body,
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Speaker 2: wants to be active, loves competition. It's the perfect recipe
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Speaker 2: for where we are with this email. But there's a
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Speaker 2: whole lot of things that we can do. And I
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Speaker 2: think that now that we've talked about the developmental reality,
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Speaker 2: the gender reality, and the life reality of having to
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Speaker 2: get stuff done, I think we should talk about some
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Speaker 2: solutions to help Paulina in terms of finding those solutions. Kylie,
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Speaker 2: while I've got the pH d in psychology, your background
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Speaker 2: and your training is in early childcare, and we're talking
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Speaker 2: about a four year old, this is your wheelhouse. I
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Speaker 2: really want to hand this to you and hear your
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Speaker 2: ideas about how we can maintain the fun, build the relationship,
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Speaker 2: but slow life down a little bit for this four
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Speaker 2: year old who is getting maybe a little bit over competitive.
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Speaker 3: I just love that she's she's already got everything she
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Speaker 3: needs right there. She understands and recognizes that sometimes for
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Speaker 3: a four year old life can be pretty boring. So
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Speaker 3: let's make this fun, but we can change it up.
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Speaker 3: It doesn't always have to be competitive, and it doesn't
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Speaker 3: always have to have such a rushed feel to it.
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Speaker 3: So on the times when we have the capacity, let's
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Speaker 3: see if we can walk as slow as a snail?
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Speaker 3: Can you inch like a caterpillar all the way to
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Speaker 3: the dining table? You know, are you gonna like flutter
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Speaker 3: like gently flutter all the way to bed tonight, jump
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Speaker 3: like a kangaroo if you've got the space and the energy,
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Speaker 3: like you can literally take what she's doing, but just
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Speaker 3: change it up. It doesn't always have to be fast.
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Speaker 3: Find ways that you can interact with him in such
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Speaker 3: a way that it's still fun and he's still going
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Speaker 3: to get the job done, but recognizing and understanding that
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Speaker 3: everything doesn't have to be done at cheat speed.
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Speaker 2: What you're doing here, Kylie, is you're suggesting that Paulina
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Speaker 2: engages more in relationship and with a four year old.
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Speaker 2: I mean, this works so well. Any child under about
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Speaker 2: five or six you can do this comfortably with and
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Speaker 2: they're not going to care what anyone else thinks they
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Speaker 2: will actually get on the ground and slide like a caterpillar.
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Speaker 2: They get to be the child. They still get to
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Speaker 2: expend their energy and have fun, but they're doing it
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Speaker 2: in creative ways, and we're literally slowing it down. I
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Speaker 2: feel like we need to just replace something that Chris
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Speaker 2: and Philippa our slow parents, had to say when they
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Speaker 2: were on parental guidance over the last couple of weeks.
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Speaker 2: I mean, they've really.
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Speaker 3: Died this y slow hearing for us is just being
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Speaker 3: really intentional about getting rid of the craziness in our schedule.
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Speaker 4: Muddy pimes. Okay, one of the best parts is allowing
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Speaker 4: them to enjoy their childhood and learn and play, rather
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Speaker 4: than instructing them constantly from school and then after school activities.
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Speaker 3: One of the comments that came out of the show
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Speaker 3: in relation to the slow prayerents was maybe they weren't
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Speaker 3: setting their kids up for real life because life is.
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Speaker 2: Intense so much do Yeah, we can't always live in
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Speaker 2: slow motion.
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Speaker 3: And I found that so counter to what they were
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Speaker 3: actually literally watching. Here are two adults who've been so
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Speaker 3: intentional about going against the grain and slowing things down
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Speaker 3: on purpose. Yes, and they're doing it. So this idea
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Speaker 3: that we have to stay in the rat race and
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Speaker 3: that our kids are just going to have to come
10:40
Speaker 3: along with us is actually not true. We can do this.
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Speaker 3: It's all about prioritizing and working out what is important
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Speaker 3: to us as a family, and helping our kids to
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Speaker 3: slow down long term is going to make such a
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Speaker 3: difference to their well being.
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Speaker 2: I feel like this is actually a conversation that you
10:58
Speaker 2: and I need to have about how fast place you
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Speaker 2: live life. We need to as parents model it is all.
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Speaker 2: I was going to say, model it, model it, model it.
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Speaker 2: You know what. I'm working on this. We're having more
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Speaker 2: afternoon adventures and anyway, this is not about me, This
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Speaker 2: is about Paulina. But what I would also suggest Paulinea
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Speaker 2: is another way that you can slow it down is
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Speaker 2: instead of saying we need to hurry up and do this,
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Speaker 2: I'm going to race you to the gate. Sometimes when
11:27
Speaker 2: we just explain the why, our children will get on
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Speaker 2: board and are quite happy to be compliant and reasonably
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Speaker 2: efficient in those moments where it's necessary for efficiency to happen.
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Speaker 2: There's something powerful about explaining your reason for why it's
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Speaker 2: time to get in the car, or better yet, because
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Speaker 2: sometimes four year odds don't really care about your reasons.
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Speaker 2: Sometimes it's good to ask them if they can think
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Speaker 2: of three reasons that we need to go and get
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Speaker 2: in the car in the next two minutes, Like get
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Speaker 2: them to come up with the rationale, because when they're
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Speaker 2: explaining why, oh, we need to go home so we
12:00
Speaker 2: can have dinner, or we need to go home so
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Speaker 2: we can see dad, or we need to go home
12:02
Speaker 2: so that we can whatever, when they're giving you the reasons,
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Speaker 2: they're much more likely to be compliant, like they'd be like, oh, yeah, actually,
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Speaker 2: I'm buying into this now, these are my reasons, not
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Speaker 2: my parents' reasons. So I would focus on rationals and
12:14
Speaker 2: especially helping your little guy to identify for himself what
12:18
Speaker 2: those reasons are.
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Speaker 3: One last point from me in relation to helping us
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Speaker 3: to slow things down, routine is so important. If we
12:27
Speaker 3: have routine, then we actually have the capacity to see
12:31
Speaker 3: where there's rigal room to slow things down, and that
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Speaker 3: provides us with the structure and the framework to create
12:38
Speaker 3: the space we need. And one of the things that
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Speaker 3: we can do that works really really well with kids
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Speaker 3: to help slow that down is to introduce transitions into
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Speaker 3: that routine and structure. So if we know that the
12:52
Speaker 3: kids have got to go to bed in the next
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Speaker 3: half an hour, what is an activity that we could
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Speaker 3: do that transitions them from guess, the dinner table to
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Speaker 3: the bedroom. Once we work out what that is. In
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Speaker 3: this instance, it might be we're going to go brush
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Speaker 3: our teeth and then we're going to read a story.
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Speaker 3: We're going to calm everything down. Storytime becomes the transition
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Speaker 3: from active movement at the dinner table to sleeping time
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Speaker 3: in bed, and you can do that throughout your day
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Speaker 3: in every scenario, and if your child is used to
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Speaker 3: the routine and structure, it's familiar to them. That transition
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Speaker 3: activity actually helps them to calm down into the next
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Speaker 3: activity much easier than telling them we've got to go
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Speaker 3: in two minutes.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, The transition is so vital to making this work,
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Speaker 2: and that kind of plays in with the rationale idea.
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Speaker 2: I want to go on a tangent you mentioned before,
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Speaker 2: wriggle room or did you say wiggle room, because when
13:49
Speaker 2: you said it, I wondered, if we're talking, is there
13:53
Speaker 2: a difference between wriggle room and wiggle room?
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Speaker 3: Are you giving me a hard time? No, no, I don't
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Speaker 3: even know what I said.
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Speaker 2: Well, you said wiggle or wriggle. I can't remember what
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Speaker 2: it was, and JR. Can probably tell us.
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Speaker 3: If we have routine, then we actually have the capacity
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Speaker 3: to see where there's wriggle room to slow things down.
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Speaker 2: Regardless. As you were talking about transitions, it made me think,
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Speaker 2: is there a difference between wriggling and wiggling? And so
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Speaker 2: I googled it. When you wriggle, you twist turnal bend
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Speaker 2: as you move. When you wiggle you make more of
14:22
Speaker 2: a back and forth motion. So my question is is
14:24
Speaker 2: it wiggle room or wriggle room. It's okay, my last point.
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Speaker 2: I'm so sorry, Pauline. I just I just had to
14:31
Speaker 2: ask it. I mean, my brain goes to these places.
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Speaker 2: I want to emphasize that it's okay to do the
14:37
Speaker 2: things that you're doing.
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Speaker 3: It's just not every time.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, it's it's just about making sure that this is
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Speaker 2: not a recurring pattern.
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Speaker 3: There is a time to do things fast, there is
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Speaker 3: a time to kind of you know, get out the
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Speaker 3: door quickly, but we need to save that tactic for
14:52
Speaker 3: those times when it's needed.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and minimizing it is definitely going to be advantageous.
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Speaker 2: Is essentially the main point that I wanted to make.
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Speaker 2: Just keep doing what you're doing, though, slow things down,
15:03
Speaker 2: those breathing techniques, the squeezing the pillows, the activities that
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Speaker 2: Kyle has mentioned at the beginning of this conversation in
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Speaker 2: terms of can you walk as slow as a snail?
15:13
Speaker 2: Allowing Kenny your dinner like a sloth, allowing him to
15:17
Speaker 2: stop and smell the flowers. Literally, those kinds of things
15:21
Speaker 2: will help you to overtime undo this pattern. But remember
15:25
Speaker 2: it's taken a couple of years for this pattern to
15:27
Speaker 2: be created, so you're not going to undo a pattern
15:29
Speaker 2: like this in a couple of days, weeks, or even months.
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Speaker 2: This is going to be a long term process as
15:34
Speaker 2: you are intentional about the way that you're raising your kids.
15:38
Speaker 2: Really hope that there's been a helpful Q and A
15:40
Speaker 2: for you. Thank you so much for your email, Pauline
15:42
Speaker 2: that podcasts at Happy Families dot com dot you. That's
15:45
Speaker 2: podcasts with an s at Happy families dot com dot au.
15:49
Speaker 2: And thank you to Justin rule On, our producer for.
15:53
Speaker 3: Making us sound good and.
15:54
Speaker 2: Removing take two and take three and take four from
15:57
Speaker 2: everything that we do is we try to fluff our
16:00
Speaker 2: way through these podcasts. Also a big thank you to
16:02
Speaker 2: Craig Bruce, our executive producer, and if you'd like more
16:05
Speaker 2: information about making your family happier, visit happy families dot
16:07
Speaker 2: com dot au or our Facebook page Doctor Justin Coulson's
16:10
Speaker 2: Happy Families