Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 461. How to master detachment to get what you really want. 9 simple steps

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461. How to master detachment to get what you really want. 9 simple steps · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of
0:14
Speaker 1: Today where today we're going to be covering the topic
0:16
Speaker 1: of detachment. We're going to talk about how to master
0:19
Speaker 1: the art of detachment in order to get what you want.
0:21
Speaker 2: And it's a bit of a paradox.
0:23
Speaker 1: It's actually a huge paradox because I think we think, well,
0:26
Speaker 1: if I attach myself to this, if I align myself,
0:28
Speaker 1: my identity, everything to this thing, then I'm more likely
0:31
Speaker 1: to get it. And I'm talking about we have to
0:34
Speaker 1: detach ourselves from that thing in order to raise our
0:36
Speaker 1: chances of getting that thing that we want. Why is that? So?
0:40
Speaker 1: I guess the question of today's episode is is it
0:42
Speaker 1: possible to get what you want by actually detaching yourself
0:46
Speaker 1: from it?
0:46
Speaker 2: We're going to find out.
0:47
Speaker 1: So first, I thought it was important to look at
0:52
Speaker 1: the idea of having something really locked in in your
0:55
Speaker 1: mind and how that can actually work against you long term.
0:57
Speaker 1: So I do believe it's important to have a two
1:00
Speaker 1: year planet to five years plan to ten your plan.
1:02
Speaker 1: I'm not throwing that away. You guys also know that
1:04
Speaker 1: I'm a huge believer in the importance of really knowing
1:07
Speaker 1: what you want, like, know what you want in order
1:10
Speaker 1: to get there, Because if you're too vague, if you're like, oh,
1:13
Speaker 1: you know, I'd like more money, or oh, I'd like
1:15
Speaker 1: to have a bit more adventure. If it's too vague,
1:18
Speaker 1: then I think you are kind of screwing yourself around.
1:21
Speaker 2: There's no kind of direction where you're headed.
1:24
Speaker 1: And then you kind of look back on your life
1:25
Speaker 1: and you think, well, I don't know what I achieved.
1:27
Speaker 1: But if you really look further back, you think, well,
1:29
Speaker 1: did I ever know where I was headed? Do? What?
1:31
Speaker 1: Did I have a clear idea of where I wanted
1:32
Speaker 1: to go? So clarity and knowing what you want is important.
1:36
Speaker 1: But I'm going to talk about the difference between clarity
1:38
Speaker 1: and knowing what you want versus being too attached to something,
1:42
Speaker 1: too attached to an outcome to the extent where it
1:44
Speaker 1: blinds you and it cock blocks you from living a
1:47
Speaker 1: life that's actually really enjoyable and really fun. Okay, so
1:51
Speaker 1: we're going to be talking about the things that are
1:54
Speaker 1: in our control versus the things that are not in
1:56
Speaker 1: our control, the difference between knowing what you want versus
2:01
Speaker 1: being too attached to one particular outcome. When if you
2:04
Speaker 1: broadened your awareness, broadened your perspective broadened your possibilities. You
2:09
Speaker 1: would still get to what you want, You would still
2:11
Speaker 1: have that clarity, but it might not be the exact person.
2:14
Speaker 2: That you had your site set on.
2:15
Speaker 1: It might be that exact job, but then there's a
2:17
Speaker 1: very similar job that's perfect for you. So we're going
2:20
Speaker 1: to be talking about all these things. Okay. So I've
2:22
Speaker 1: got ten points that we're going to go through in
2:24
Speaker 1: today's episode. Write them down if you can pause at
2:28
Speaker 1: each point, write it down, brainstorm, But ideally, if possible,
2:31
Speaker 1: I would like you to think about what it is
2:34
Speaker 1: that you are currently attaching yourself to. Whether it's a
2:36
Speaker 1: particular job that you want, a person that you are
2:38
Speaker 1: very much in love with and they are yet to
2:40
Speaker 1: even know you exist, or they don't reciprocate yet, or
2:42
Speaker 1: whatever it is, whether it be whatever it is, what
2:45
Speaker 1: is it that you are desperate to have?
2:46
Speaker 2: What is something that you really have attached yourself to?
2:49
Speaker 1: Okay, and then you'll be able to go through these
2:52
Speaker 1: questions with a lot more clarity and intention. Now let's begin.
2:56
Speaker 2: Number one.
2:57
Speaker 1: I want you to ask yourself, is this thing that
2:59
Speaker 1: I want a good deal?
3:02
Speaker 2: Or am I just being too emotional?
3:04
Speaker 1: Okay?
3:05
Speaker 2: So before we talk, before I.
3:07
Speaker 1: Go into the specifics of what I mean by that,
3:10
Speaker 1: I want to use an auction as an example, because
3:13
Speaker 1: an auction is a perfect example of what happens when
3:16
Speaker 1: we get really emotionally attached to an idea and we
3:20
Speaker 1: end up investing way more than it's worth in that idea. Okay,
3:25
Speaker 1: So I like to imagine when I find something that
3:29
Speaker 1: I really want, I like to imagine it as if
3:31
Speaker 1: I'm at an auction. Okay, And am I ask myself?
3:34
Speaker 1: Am I being tricked into this psychological mind game that's
3:37
Speaker 1: going to make me invest more than I can afford
3:39
Speaker 1: to or more than it's worth, whether it's emotionally, financially,
3:42
Speaker 1: my time, whatever it is. And if so, what grounding
3:45
Speaker 1: techniques can I pull out to stop kind of this
3:47
Speaker 1: mind game going on and for me to like snap
3:50
Speaker 1: back to reality being like I need to stop, I
3:52
Speaker 1: need to like pull out. I need to kind of
3:54
Speaker 1: that sun cost fallacy. I need to like pull out
3:56
Speaker 1: now before you know, stop while you're ahead kind of thing. Okay. So,
3:59
Speaker 1: like I said, I wanted to use the auction as
4:01
Speaker 1: an example, as there are specific tactics that are used
4:03
Speaker 1: by auctioneers that make people make big decisions and risk
4:09
Speaker 1: more than they initially wanted to, and they initially thought
4:11
Speaker 1: that they would. They forget about all their boundaries because
4:15
Speaker 1: of emotion. So let's name these emotions and let's name
4:19
Speaker 1: these tactics that auctioneers use and think, are these things
4:22
Speaker 1: happening to me right now as far as this person,
4:25
Speaker 1: this job, whatever it is? Okay, So firstly, let's talk
4:29
Speaker 1: about the tactics that an auctioneer will use. Number one
4:31
Speaker 1: is emotional engagement. So auctions create this competitive, exciting atmosphere.
4:37
Speaker 1: It really leads to impulsive, irrational bidding because buyers get
4:40
Speaker 1: caught up in the thrill of the moment. It's kind
4:42
Speaker 1: of like that mob mentality where you do something in
4:45
Speaker 1: a group setting, in a mob setting that you normally
4:47
Speaker 1: wouldn't do if you're a lone, level headed and you
4:49
Speaker 1: have time to think about it. So emotional engagement, So
4:52
Speaker 1: think about what is it that I'm going for right now?
4:55
Speaker 2: And am I way too emotional about this thing?
4:58
Speaker 1: If I'm buying a car and at the dealership and
5:01
Speaker 1: this person's a really intense salesperson, and all of a sudden,
5:04
Speaker 1: I'm looking at this model that I know I can't afford.
5:06
Speaker 1: But I'm being swept up in it, and I'm not
5:08
Speaker 1: being rational. If I was to go home and think,
5:11
Speaker 1: wait a minute, come a fuck down, let's just look
5:12
Speaker 1: at our options. Let's just look at this really good
5:14
Speaker 1: Where else could I be spending my money? I probably
5:16
Speaker 1: wouldn't buy that car, but if I'm at the dealership,
5:18
Speaker 1: I'm probably gonna be spending more money than I thought
5:20
Speaker 1: I would because that person is trained to sell me
5:23
Speaker 1: on things and to get me emotional.
5:24
Speaker 2: Okay.
5:25
Speaker 1: The next one is fear of missing out. Fomo, this
5:27
Speaker 1: limited time offer. Act now or you'll never get this
5:30
Speaker 1: offer again. Run, don't walk that kind of shit righte.
5:33
Speaker 1: This limited time, unique nature of items creates this sense
5:38
Speaker 1: of scarcity, okay.
5:39
Speaker 2: These it will.
5:40
Speaker 1: Compel you, or a bidder in an auction scenario to
5:43
Speaker 1: act quickly to raise the bid, to do what it
5:46
Speaker 1: takes to get that thing. So an example if this
5:48
Speaker 1: would be if you were in love with somebody and
5:50
Speaker 1: you have convinced yourself there is nobody else like this person. Okay,
5:55
Speaker 1: so I've got to do whatever it takes to get
5:57
Speaker 1: this person to notice me. I've got to do whatever
5:58
Speaker 1: it takes to get this person to fall in love
6:00
Speaker 1: with me, desperate, desperate, desperate, and all the while you're
6:03
Speaker 1: investing way too much time, energy, emotions into something that
6:07
Speaker 1: might not actually be the right fit for you. And
6:09
Speaker 1: it's this you're telling yourself, if I don't get this person,
6:12
Speaker 1: I've missed out, instead of thinking, while I won't get
6:15
Speaker 1: this exact same person, while this person might not be
6:18
Speaker 1: able to replicate themselves.
6:19
Speaker 2: Just like in a house at an auction, while this
6:21
Speaker 2: exact house.
6:21
Speaker 1: Might not come back up on the market, there's a
6:24
Speaker 1: very big chance at something that aligns very well with
6:26
Speaker 1: me will in the future. Okay. So this idea of
6:30
Speaker 1: like you're going to miss out act now, you'll never
6:32
Speaker 1: get this opportunity again. Okay, you never get this exact
6:34
Speaker 1: opportunity again, but you get something very similar and sometimes
6:38
Speaker 1: better than this opportunity. Okay. The next thing that they
6:40
Speaker 1: use is anchoring.
6:42
Speaker 2: Okay.
6:42
Speaker 1: Anchoring is kind of the first bid or a starting
6:46
Speaker 1: price that acts as this anchor that influences your perception
6:51
Speaker 1: of what is a fair price okay, and then it
6:54
Speaker 1: makes other bids around that seem reasonable okay, And a
7:00
Speaker 1: good way, you know, a good example of this in
7:03
Speaker 1: your life would be for example, a particular income that
7:08
Speaker 1: you think you should be making, a particular job that
7:12
Speaker 1: you really want and what that you know, job pays
7:15
Speaker 1: what it's worth, all that kind of stuff. So if
7:17
Speaker 1: you see or something that you're going to purchase, if
7:20
Speaker 1: you see something really expensive and then you see something
7:23
Speaker 1: slightly cheaper, you're like, oh my god, that's a fucking
7:25
Speaker 1: bargain because you saw that expensive thing first. Or if
7:27
Speaker 1: you saw something really expensive but then you saw that
7:29
Speaker 1: that was just what everyone was paying, all of a sudden,
7:32
Speaker 1: it doesn't seem that expensive. It's like, well, that's just
7:34
Speaker 1: the cost of that thing, right, So you've got to
7:36
Speaker 1: ask yourself, am I being swayed by the anchor? Or
7:40
Speaker 1: am I sticking to what my actual budget is on
7:42
Speaker 1: this thing, whether it's an emotional budget, whether whatever. We're
7:45
Speaker 1: talking about financial here, but we also are talking about
7:48
Speaker 1: time and emotion, okay. And then there's something called the
7:52
Speaker 1: endowment effect, and this is as a bidder gets close
7:55
Speaker 1: to winning the bid the auction, they might start to
7:59
Speaker 1: overvalue the eye and they start thinking it's more and
8:01
Speaker 1: more important because they're emotionally invested in owning that thing.
8:04
Speaker 1: They now imagine themselves as the owner, it means so
8:07
Speaker 1: much more, so they end up bidding a lot higher
8:10
Speaker 1: than what they had planned to because of this endowment effect,
8:13
Speaker 1: You'll end up spending a lot more money or time
8:15
Speaker 1: or energy or resources on that thing. Because of this
8:18
Speaker 1: endowment effect, you feel so close to having it, okay.
8:22
Speaker 1: So I think it's really important that before you make
8:24
Speaker 1: a decision on something, you've got to ask yourself at
8:26
Speaker 1: the end of the day, is this a good deal? Or?
8:30
Speaker 1: Like Alexus reminds me of the whole auction tactics, emotional tactics,
8:33
Speaker 1: manipulation tactics that they use. Am I just stuck in
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Speaker 1: a vortex that's stopping me from zooming out and looking
8:39
Speaker 1: at the bigger picture and realizing that this really ain't shit?
8:43
Speaker 1: Like I could get another great person in my life.
8:45
Speaker 1: If this person isn't interested, that's okay, they're not the
8:48
Speaker 1: be all, and or there are other people that are
8:49
Speaker 1: going to like me in this life romantically this particular house.
8:53
Speaker 1: I have a budget, and there's a reason for that
8:55
Speaker 1: fucking budget, right, Why else did I write the fucking budget?
8:58
Speaker 1: So why am I then going to spend more and
9:00
Speaker 1: then go against myself and make myself stressed xyza. Okay,
9:03
Speaker 1: so you're gonna ask yourself, is this a good deal?
9:06
Speaker 1: Or am I getting emotionally swept up? If it's not
9:08
Speaker 1: a good deal, I can find a good deal elsewhere.
9:11
Speaker 1: So that's point number one. Number two, know what you want,
9:15
Speaker 1: but also identified in a broader sense. Okay, if you
9:19
Speaker 1: say to yourself, I have to be with that one
9:21
Speaker 1: person who doesn't actually like you back, or that I
9:23
Speaker 1: have to buy that one apartment that's actually out of
9:26
Speaker 1: my price range, then you're gonna feel like you missed
9:29
Speaker 1: out and that you're hard done by and that you're
9:32
Speaker 1: unlucky when those things don't come to pass. Okay, But
9:35
Speaker 1: if you were to look at those things and say,
9:38
Speaker 1: I'd really like to be with that person, but I
9:40
Speaker 1: don't think they like me back, like they're.
9:41
Speaker 2: Not showing the right signs.
9:42
Speaker 1: Or I'd really love that apartment, but it's already blowing
9:45
Speaker 1: out of my price range and there's just nowhere that
9:47
Speaker 1: I could afford it and also be stress very and comfortable. However,
9:52
Speaker 1: that person, that apartment, they have shown me that they
9:56
Speaker 1: are possibilities for what's ahead of me in my future.
9:59
Speaker 1: So I'm really grateful that I've met this person, because
10:01
Speaker 1: now I've got a clearer idea of the kind of
10:03
Speaker 1: person that I've liked to date. I really like their humor,
10:05
Speaker 1: I love their style, I really like the career that
10:08
Speaker 1: they have. I really like how spontaneous they are. I
10:11
Speaker 1: like all these traits about this person. So I'm really
10:14
Speaker 1: grateful that I met that person because they gave me
10:15
Speaker 1: a bit more clarity romantically on what I would like
10:18
Speaker 1: in a partner. This apartment has really shown me. I
10:21
Speaker 1: didn't realize that I liked this particular thing in the kitchen.
10:24
Speaker 1: Now now I'm going to find a place that you know,
10:26
Speaker 1: has a similar thing like that. I loved how the
10:27
Speaker 1: balcony looked onto whatever. So it's given me ideas or
10:30
Speaker 1: I love how they styled the place. So even if
10:31
Speaker 1: I don't have this place, I'm going to have ideas
10:33
Speaker 1: for my future home. So then you start knowing what
10:36
Speaker 1: you want, but you broaden it out. It doesn't have
10:38
Speaker 1: to be that person. It's a person who's got this
10:40
Speaker 1: kind of sense of humor, who's spontaneous, who's you know, whatever.
10:44
Speaker 1: You know, so you have a list and you're like, yep,
10:46
Speaker 1: I really like those traits in that person's personality. I
10:48
Speaker 1: love those aspects of that apartment, and then you realize
10:51
Speaker 1: that you can actually find many other alternatives that tick
10:55
Speaker 1: the similar boxes, if not the same boxes. Okay, Desperation
10:59
Speaker 1: is the predos for delusion, all right. If you are desperate,
11:03
Speaker 1: you're going to trick yourself into thinking that this thing
11:05
Speaker 1: will be the best thing that ever happens to you. Okay,
11:08
Speaker 1: and it really is. You're more likely just tapped in
11:11
Speaker 1: the head and you need to just reset and realize,
11:13
Speaker 1: wait a minute, pull back. This is not the best
11:15
Speaker 1: thing that's ever happened to me. There are thousands of
11:17
Speaker 1: opportunities out there, and I'm fifty percent of you know
11:20
Speaker 1: the situation that I bring myself to. So I need
11:22
Speaker 1: to calm down and not get so emotionally tied up
11:25
Speaker 1: in it. Number three, Know what ticks the box and
11:29
Speaker 1: see how many things fit into that category. So the
11:32
Speaker 1: person that you're in love with, the kind of friend
11:33
Speaker 1: that you want, all these things that you want, the
11:36
Speaker 1: hobby that you have, the career that you want to have,
11:39
Speaker 1: But you don't have no idea where to start. So
11:42
Speaker 1: you've got to ask yourself what other things that I want?
11:45
Speaker 1: And what are other things that tick that box. Now,
11:47
Speaker 1: if you're a long term listener of my podcast, you
11:48
Speaker 1: will have heard me talk about this anecdote before, but
11:51
Speaker 1: I'm going to very quickly sweep like brush over it
11:53
Speaker 1: to remind you if you are new to this podcast.
11:55
Speaker 1: I used to want to be an actor desperately, literally
11:58
Speaker 1: desperate times. Okay, So I really wanted to be an actor,
12:01
Speaker 1: and it ended up getting to a point where I
12:04
Speaker 1: just wasn't managing my emotions around it properly, and I'd
12:06
Speaker 1: get really disillusioned and disappointed when I wouldn't get an audition,
12:09
Speaker 1: and then on top of that, my agent dropped me
12:11
Speaker 1: because I obviously wasn't all that. So I was like,
12:14
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm really hating this and I really
12:16
Speaker 1: need to return back to acting with a better energy.
12:19
Speaker 1: So I was like, I'm taking six months off. After
12:21
Speaker 1: a couple of months, I realized, you know what, this
12:23
Speaker 1: time off has been so liberating. I feel so good.
12:25
Speaker 1: I'm never going back to acting. But at the same time,
12:28
Speaker 1: I was like, I really want to study science. I
12:30
Speaker 1: want to return back to UNI, I want to go
12:32
Speaker 1: do my master's all of that. So then I started thinking, okay, well,
12:35
Speaker 1: what would be a career that actually combines my passions
12:38
Speaker 1: where I'm still tapping into the things I like that
12:40
Speaker 1: still ticks those boxes. And I thought, well, I love
12:42
Speaker 1: being on stage. I love talking. Get me on a stage,
12:44
Speaker 1: public speaking, or acting, I don't care. I just love to,
12:47
Speaker 1: you know, express myself.
12:50
Speaker 2: There were all these things that I liked.
12:51
Speaker 1: But then I thought, what did I add more into that.
12:52
Speaker 1: I like teaching, I like explaining things to people. I
12:55
Speaker 1: like science, and so then I thought, I'm going to
12:57
Speaker 1: be a lecturer. Right, that was the next thing that
13:00
Speaker 1: I wanted to do.
13:01
Speaker 2: I want to be an electra. I'm really excited about that.
13:03
Speaker 2: That's like a potential for me, that you know.
13:05
Speaker 1: And then I started the podcast, and then the podcast
13:08
Speaker 1: actually ended up being yet another version of what I
13:11
Speaker 1: would want. I get to talk about science, I get
13:13
Speaker 1: to teach. Bokay, I'm not lecturing at a university, but
13:15
Speaker 1: I'm doing something that I love more than I could
13:17
Speaker 1: have ever imagined. So probably more than being a electra.
13:20
Speaker 1: I don't know, because I haven't lived that reality. But
13:22
Speaker 1: what I'm saying is I was able to take the
13:24
Speaker 1: things that tick to the box of acting and apply
13:26
Speaker 1: it to other fields. Lektra never did it, but that's
13:29
Speaker 1: something that I thought, Fuck, that would be good.
13:31
Speaker 2: Cannot speak.
13:31
Speaker 1: It could be one of them. Podcaster is another one.
13:34
Speaker 1: So that's what I mean. So start thinking, how can
13:37
Speaker 1: I how can I zoom out and look at my
13:40
Speaker 1: other options, other options that maybe I've never even thought of,
13:43
Speaker 1: that also ticks all these boxes, if like the key
13:45
Speaker 1: points that I like about this career, this person, this city, whatever. Okay,
13:49
Speaker 1: Number four, stop being so desperate. Okay, I know this
13:52
Speaker 1: is the whole thing is about how to detach, but
13:55
Speaker 1: stop being so desperate. Know your options. You have options.
13:59
Speaker 1: If you tell yourself you don't have options, firstly, you're
14:02
Speaker 1: lying to yourself.
14:02
Speaker 2: Secondly, you're going to live a life of fear and.
14:05
Speaker 1: Anxiety and you're not being fair to yourself because it's bullshit.
14:09
Speaker 2: Look at what you wanted five years ago or ten
14:11
Speaker 2: years ago, depending on.
14:12
Speaker 1: Your age, and think, oh my god, that's so funny
14:15
Speaker 1: that I used to think that that was the ball
14:16
Speaker 1: and all enoughter like evolving through the last couple of years,
14:18
Speaker 1: look at all these other things that have happened to me,
14:20
Speaker 1: intended and unintended, but ultimately where it's gotten me to
14:23
Speaker 1: where I am. Some good, some bad, But look at
14:26
Speaker 1: all these new things I've experienced.
14:27
Speaker 2: If you say to yourself, you know, this is.
14:29
Speaker 1: The only thing. I've only got this one option in
14:31
Speaker 1: my life, you're setting yourself up to be miserable, upset,
14:35
Speaker 1: and then even when you do get that thing, you
14:37
Speaker 1: are going to have to cling to it so fucking
14:39
Speaker 1: hard because you're terrified to now lose it. Because you're saying,
14:42
Speaker 1: I have no other option. So now that I've got it,
14:45
Speaker 1: I can't bear to lose it. Now I'm going to
14:47
Speaker 1: be even more desperate to keep it. Okay, if you
14:49
Speaker 1: are like you know what, let whatever will be will be.
14:51
Speaker 1: I'm going to put my best foot forward. I'm going
14:53
Speaker 1: to be the best friend, relationship like partner worker that
14:57
Speaker 1: I can be. But I'm also realizing that I have options.
15:01
Speaker 1: You know, I am in demand and I've earned that demand.
15:06
Speaker 1: Since the next thing, How prepared do you need to
15:15
Speaker 1: be for these things? Okay? Now, I like to think
15:19
Speaker 1: of when I want to be prepared for something.
15:22
Speaker 2: I don't want to be so.
15:23
Speaker 1: Fucking prepared that I've got every hour planned, everything ticked off,
15:27
Speaker 1: everything planned. You've got to allow for spontaneity. Take a trip,
15:30
Speaker 1: for example, when I travel to Europe, I often, very
15:35
Speaker 1: often will book my accommodation when I'm there in Europe, okay.
15:40
Speaker 1: And the reason that I do that this is if
15:41
Speaker 1: I'm going to multiple cities, if I'm staying in one
15:43
Speaker 1: city for a prolonged period of time, then I'm definitely
15:45
Speaker 1: booking my accom beforehand, because it's got to be I've
15:49
Speaker 1: got it's got to be more thought out. But for example,
15:51
Speaker 1: when I went to Europe last year with Tyrone, we
15:53
Speaker 1: booked most of our accommodation kind of on the fly
15:55
Speaker 1: a couple of days beforehand, and our flights.
15:57
Speaker 2: A few of our flights as well.
15:58
Speaker 1: And the reason for that is not because we're both
16:00
Speaker 1: really unorganized people, because we are to an extent, but
16:04
Speaker 1: also because it gave us flexibility. We prepared as far
16:08
Speaker 1: as a budget for travel. We had saved money, were like,
16:11
Speaker 1: you know, we're not going to go in debt. I
16:12
Speaker 1: never take out a loan to travel, so you know
16:15
Speaker 1: we have money saved for the trip we had. You know,
16:19
Speaker 1: our return flight booked to Australia, We had the key
16:21
Speaker 1: countries that we wanted to go to, we had certain
16:23
Speaker 1: people that were going to be meeting up with in
16:24
Speaker 1: different cities. So we had a rough timeline and so
16:28
Speaker 1: you know, and the main important flights the flight so
16:30
Speaker 1: that we knew would be hectic, and then we could
16:31
Speaker 1: not miss those ones were booked.
16:33
Speaker 2: But apart from that, we kept it quite open ended.
16:35
Speaker 1: So that's what I mean, like, when you are planning something,
16:38
Speaker 1: allow for a bit of spontaneity. When you're planning for
16:41
Speaker 1: a career.
16:42
Speaker 2: Don't say to.
16:42
Speaker 1: Yourself, I have to have graduated from this degree in
16:46
Speaker 1: three years time, because what if an opportunity comes up
16:49
Speaker 1: to do a year abroad? You could defer, right, what
16:53
Speaker 1: if another thing came up where it meant, oh, I'll
16:55
Speaker 1: have to go part time and will stretch out my timeline,
16:58
Speaker 1: but then this epic other opportunity would There's so much
17:01
Speaker 1: that can be gained by having just maybe seventy percent
17:04
Speaker 1: planned eighty. You always want to leave a window open.
17:07
Speaker 1: So ask yourself, how intense am I with my planning
17:10
Speaker 1: and is there room for me to kind of pull back,
17:13
Speaker 1: relax a little bit and allow for the spontaneity of
17:16
Speaker 1: life to unfold for me? Okay, So I think that's
17:19
Speaker 1: really important. Number six. Now this is quite specific to relationships.
17:23
Speaker 1: But I think it's important that I add this one
17:25
Speaker 1: in there. I want you to ask yourself, how much
17:27
Speaker 1: of what I want in this person can I get
17:30
Speaker 1: on my own? Okay, So when you stop needing somebody,
17:35
Speaker 1: but you are so attached to that person being your partner,
17:39
Speaker 1: when you stop needing that person, you become less attached,
17:42
Speaker 1: You become more confident within yourself, You become more comfortable,
17:46
Speaker 1: and then you think, you know what, if they don't
17:48
Speaker 1: like me or they don't want to be in my life,
17:50
Speaker 1: I'm actually okay. Like financially, confidence wise, status wise, humor, stability, adventure,
17:58
Speaker 1: all these things you could be providing for yourself. So
18:01
Speaker 1: if you look for everything outside of you, then of
18:03
Speaker 1: course you're going to be desperate. You have to start,
18:06
Speaker 1: you know, creating for yourself what you seek in other people.
18:09
Speaker 1: I literally have a whole episode on that. It's stopped
18:12
Speaker 1: looking in others what you can provide for yourself. That's
18:15
Speaker 1: not the title, but whatever, I've got a whole episode
18:17
Speaker 1: on that, and if I can remember it, I'll put
18:18
Speaker 1: it in the show notes. But it's this idea of
18:20
Speaker 1: I'm going to be way less desperate and way less
18:23
Speaker 1: attached if I think wait a minute. There's many traits
18:26
Speaker 1: that I like in that person that I can start
18:28
Speaker 1: for myself, that I can start doing. I like that
18:31
Speaker 1: that person is like this, So instead of having to
18:32
Speaker 1: be with that person, why don't I create that for me?
18:34
Speaker 2: Why don't I create all these things? Why don't I
18:36
Speaker 2: look at all the traits and all the people that
18:37
Speaker 2: I look.
18:37
Speaker 1: Up to and become those things, okay, or begin to
18:41
Speaker 1: become those things. Then you'll start doing that, and then
18:43
Speaker 1: you realize I'm actually not that desperate to date you, Like, yeah, cool,
18:47
Speaker 1: we could date and it could work out. But I'm
18:49
Speaker 1: also like, you know what, I'm a fucking catch. You know.
18:51
Speaker 1: Instead of thinking you're amazing and I'll never get you,
18:53
Speaker 1: turn yourself into a catch. Be the spontaneous one, Be funny,
18:57
Speaker 1: be the one that drives a conversation, Be captive, and
19:01
Speaker 1: then you're going to realize, Wow, I'm wait less desperate
19:03
Speaker 1: to be around people because I know that people also
19:06
Speaker 1: want to be around me, And if this particular person doesn't,
19:08
Speaker 1: there are other options out there for me. Number seven,
19:12
Speaker 1: Always be bringing it back to what actually matters. Always
19:16
Speaker 1: remind yourself of the key elements. Don't get caught up
19:18
Speaker 1: in the distractions along the way. Okay, that house that
19:21
Speaker 1: you're bidding on, that person that you just met, and
19:25
Speaker 1: now you can't stop thinking about it because you've got limerens.
19:29
Speaker 1: You need to snap out of these distractions. Okay. So
19:32
Speaker 1: by doing this, you are wasting your time waiting for
19:35
Speaker 1: someone to change their mind that they actually like you,
19:37
Speaker 1: Waiting for that perfect job to come along, waiting for
19:39
Speaker 1: your superior to quit so you.
19:41
Speaker 2: Can get into their position. But you don't know when
19:42
Speaker 2: that's going to be.
19:43
Speaker 1: Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting, weding, wedading, waiting, wedding, waiting, instead
19:46
Speaker 1: of creating your own kind of opportunities for yourself. So
19:50
Speaker 1: I've got a perfect example for this, my sister Stephanie.
19:53
Speaker 1: She's been on the podcast twice at least, and if
19:57
Speaker 1: you've all been to the live show, you know Stephanie
19:58
Speaker 1: because she man's the merch stand. But she has been
20:02
Speaker 1: an athlete in rowing, in cycling, in bob sled for
20:05
Speaker 1: the Australian team, in weightlifting, there's a whole bunch of things.
20:10
Speaker 2: In CrossFit.
20:11
Speaker 1: There's all these things that she's really excelled at in
20:13
Speaker 1: that sport, and in soccer when she was younger as well.
20:16
Speaker 1: So she one day said to me, and this really
20:18
Speaker 1: stuck to me. She was giving someone advice, someone who
20:20
Speaker 1: was really trying to make it, a friend of ours
20:22
Speaker 1: who's really trying to make it in a sporting career,
20:24
Speaker 1: and she said, do you like to compete or do
20:28
Speaker 1: you like the sport? Because you've got to get clear
20:30
Speaker 1: on that answer, because if you like to compete, then
20:34
Speaker 1: you can transfer into other sports. You can really find
20:36
Speaker 1: a sport that really works for you. If it's not
20:38
Speaker 1: happening in this sport, you can try this. You can
20:40
Speaker 1: try that.
20:40
Speaker 2: You can really.
20:41
Speaker 1: Expand your horizons on what you could be doing where
20:44
Speaker 1: you can fill your cup as a competitor. However, if
20:47
Speaker 1: you like that sport and you have to be in
20:49
Speaker 1: that sport, then you could also open up your horizons
20:52
Speaker 1: because you don't have to be successful only as a player.
20:55
Speaker 1: You could be a manager for players of that sport.
20:58
Speaker 1: You could be a coach and assistant there's whatever, a physiog,
21:02
Speaker 1: a trainer, whatever for that sport. You could still have
21:05
Speaker 1: a career in that sport without actually having to be
21:07
Speaker 1: the player the competitor. Okay, And that to me is
21:11
Speaker 1: like wow, that's really important to know that information. So
21:14
Speaker 1: you've got to ask yourself, like, is it this fucking
21:17
Speaker 1: exact job that I have to have or would I
21:18
Speaker 1: be happy having any job in that industry? Right? Or
21:23
Speaker 1: I have to have this job, but it could be
21:25
Speaker 1: in any industry. So this is what I mean. By
21:27
Speaker 1: bringing it back to what actually matters to you, You're
21:31
Speaker 1: going to realize, you know what, I can actually still
21:33
Speaker 1: stay very true to myself, very true to what I want,
21:37
Speaker 1: but open up my fucking horizons well beyond my imagination,
21:42
Speaker 1: well beyond my imagination. Okay. Number eight, are you doing
21:45
Speaker 1: this thing out of a need for validation? Okay? So
21:49
Speaker 1: what I mean by that is if you are thinking,
21:52
Speaker 1: when I get this thing, I will be liked. When
21:54
Speaker 1: I get this thing, this person will want to be
21:56
Speaker 1: my friend, this person will want to date me, this
21:59
Speaker 1: person will finally begin to respect me. If you do
22:02
Speaker 1: all of that and none of the reasons why you
22:05
Speaker 1: want that thing comes from it's actually fulfilling to my
22:07
Speaker 1: life field, to actually give me a peace of mind,
22:09
Speaker 1: it would actually make me happy inside, then you're never
22:13
Speaker 1: actually going to be happy because once you have fulfilled
22:17
Speaker 1: that thing and made that person accept you've made that person.
22:19
Speaker 2: Proud of you. You will have this short lived sense
22:23
Speaker 2: of accomplishment.
22:24
Speaker 1: It will feel like a relief or euphoric in that moment,
22:27
Speaker 1: but it's not going to feel like this deep seated
22:29
Speaker 1: underlying happiness. Okay, So it's okay to want other people
22:36
Speaker 1: to be proud of you, to want other people to
22:38
Speaker 1: like you. That's actually quite normal in our nature, and
22:40
Speaker 1: I don't think it's realistic when people say, oh, no, like,
22:43
Speaker 1: how do not care at all?
22:45
Speaker 2: That's unrealistic.
22:46
Speaker 1: Of course we're going to care, but it's very important
22:48
Speaker 1: that you bring that anchor back to what matters ultimately
22:51
Speaker 1: to you. So I always remind yourself, am I desperate
22:54
Speaker 1: for this thing? Because not because I have to have
22:56
Speaker 1: that thing, but because I'm desperate for someone's love or
22:59
Speaker 1: someone's attention. It's really important to identify that because name
23:03
Speaker 1: it to tainment. The moment you identify it and bring
23:05
Speaker 1: it out into the open, you will actually be amazed
23:08
Speaker 1: at how much less control it has over you. You
23:10
Speaker 1: have to name it to tame it. So if I'm
23:13
Speaker 1: doing this for validation, I need to become very aware
23:16
Speaker 1: of it, and just the awareness will make you need
23:19
Speaker 1: it less. And the last one number nine. I know
23:21
Speaker 1: I said it was ten points. I lied to you.
23:24
Speaker 1: It's nine because I've got a number nine here and
23:26
Speaker 1: nothing written there. Don't know why I did that in
23:28
Speaker 1: my notes, So it's actually nine points in total. And
23:32
Speaker 1: it is don't wait until you are fearless. You need
23:35
Speaker 1: to move despite the fear. When we are talking about
23:38
Speaker 1: attaching ourselves to something, we get so hell bent, so
23:43
Speaker 1: hell bent on that thing coming to fruition in our
23:45
Speaker 1: lives that we then become fearful. Like I said, even
23:49
Speaker 1: once you attain that thing, if you think it's the
23:52
Speaker 1: be all and all, this is the only option for me,
23:54
Speaker 1: you are going to feel like you be terrified to
23:57
Speaker 1: lose it, that you'll be nothing without them, that you'll
23:59
Speaker 1: never come come across this opportunity again, or this romantic
24:02
Speaker 1: partner again, or this house again ever again. Right, So
24:04
Speaker 1: I have to Now I've got to dig my close
24:06
Speaker 1: into it. And that's kind of this fear that you have.
24:09
Speaker 1: You become less flexible, you become rigid, you become controlling.
24:12
Speaker 1: You're trying to control the things outside of you. People
24:14
Speaker 1: that don't have control over themselves try to control things
24:17
Speaker 1: outside of them, like other people circumstances events. Okay, so
24:22
Speaker 1: it's important to and because of that you think, well,
24:25
Speaker 1: unless this is perfect and unless I'm comfortable with this thing,
24:28
Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be able to do anything.
24:29
Speaker 2: You fear.
24:30
Speaker 1: You can a bit paralyzed by the fear of trying
24:32
Speaker 1: something new, trying something different. Well, I can't look at
24:34
Speaker 1: a different apartment because I'm scared that I'm going to
24:37
Speaker 1: miss out on this opportunity. I can't go and do
24:39
Speaker 1: that thing because I'm scared. You need to move despite
24:42
Speaker 1: the fear. I don't want you to look at others
24:44
Speaker 1: and think I wish I was as fearless as them.
24:46
Speaker 1: The reason that person can, you know, change on a
24:49
Speaker 1: dime and do something different is because they're fearless.
24:52
Speaker 2: Stop believing that.
24:53
Speaker 1: Lie that other people don't have fear and you're the
24:55
Speaker 1: one that has fear, because that's not true.
24:57
Speaker 2: Everyone to an extent.
24:59
Speaker 1: And when I say everyone, I've probably meant like most
25:01
Speaker 1: by a long stretch. Most people are fearful, right, They
25:05
Speaker 1: just mask it well and moved on despite the fear. Okay,
25:10
Speaker 1: And that is your goal. The goal is not to
25:12
Speaker 1: be fearless. Fear is innate within us. Okay, it's something
25:15
Speaker 1: that we all just have, and the aim is not
25:18
Speaker 1: to crush it, but to be able to tame it
25:21
Speaker 1: so it doesn't crush you. Okay, that's always the aim.
25:25
Speaker 1: If I can't control it, I'm not gonna let it
25:27
Speaker 1: control me. That is a mantra that I've been saying
25:30
Speaker 1: to myself for at least a year, and it works
25:34
Speaker 1: like a fucking treat. So let's say it again. If
25:36
Speaker 1: I can't control it, I will not let it control me.
25:40
Speaker 1: So it's not about having to be in control, but
25:43
Speaker 1: it's about deciding what you're going to do about something
25:46
Speaker 1: that's out of like that's not within your control, what
25:48
Speaker 1: are you going to do about it? Okay? And fear
25:50
Speaker 1: is one of those things. You might not necessarily be
25:52
Speaker 1: able to control what you're scared off at all times
25:55
Speaker 1: and how much fear you're going to have, but you
25:57
Speaker 1: can control how much it affects your life. In this sense,
26:00
Speaker 1: am I still going to move forward fearing this thing?
26:03
Speaker 1: Or am I going to stay home like a little
26:05
Speaker 1: hermit crab? Okay? And if you listen to all the
26:08
Speaker 1: tips that I've said above the last eight points, you're
26:12
Speaker 1: going and if you use those techniques, that I've given you,
26:14
Speaker 1: You're going to already be able to mitigate your fear
26:17
Speaker 1: and anxiety around these things because we're naming entertainment where
26:22
Speaker 1: we're looking at the broader picture. We're understanding that we've
26:24
Speaker 1: got way more options that we give ourselves credit for.
26:26
Speaker 1: We're understanding that you don't have to have everything planned
26:28
Speaker 1: out in order to live a very successful and still
26:31
Speaker 1: strategic life. You can still be strategic, but you you know,
26:35
Speaker 1: the way you look at something, you realize you've got
26:37
Speaker 1: the fucking world is your oyster, really And because of that,
26:41
Speaker 1: it actually does subside your fear. The fear is going
26:43
Speaker 1: to be there. I'm still fearful when I launch things.
26:46
Speaker 1: I'm still fearful when I announce something new. I'm still
26:48
Speaker 1: fearful when I try something different. But I understand, based
26:51
Speaker 1: on the other times that I've tried things, it's actually okay.
26:55
Speaker 1: I've tried things that have flopped, and I've tried things
26:57
Speaker 1: that have gone really well, and overall both times i've survived.
27:01
Speaker 1: I've been happy with who I am, for the good
27:03
Speaker 1: and for the bad. So then it allows me to
27:05
Speaker 1: do more of it. And the same will happen with
27:07
Speaker 1: you when you start pivoting and saying, you know there's
27:10
Speaker 1: more out there for me, not just these things that
27:11
Speaker 1: I've said I have to have. When you become detached,
27:14
Speaker 1: when you're not attaching your identity and your personality to
27:17
Speaker 1: these exact things, you think the world is actually my
27:19
Speaker 1: fucking oyster, and there's a lot out there. Okay, So
27:22
Speaker 1: if you listen to these tips above, you'll be able
27:26
Speaker 1: to reduce your anxiety and move past that fear. If
27:28
Speaker 1: you waste time waiting for fear to subside in order
27:32
Speaker 1: for you to be able to take action, you're going
27:34
Speaker 1: to one miss so many opportunities in your life and
27:37
Speaker 1: just watch life passed you by.
27:38
Speaker 2: And two, you're gonna go for only.
27:41
Speaker 1: Like the lay mass shit in your life that sparks
27:45
Speaker 1: little to no excitement, and you're gonna have a relatively
27:47
Speaker 1: uneventful life. So they're your two options. Okay. So I
27:50
Speaker 1: want you to go back, look at all those points
27:53
Speaker 1: and see where you can apply that in your life.
27:56
Speaker 1: And it's actually very exciting because hopefully you'll walk away
28:00
Speaker 1: from this session of journaling or writing or even just
28:02
Speaker 1: sitting with the thoughts.
28:03
Speaker 2: You don't have to write it down. You're going to
28:05
Speaker 2: walk away being like, I.
28:06
Speaker 1: Feel very empowered because this episode has made me realize
28:09
Speaker 1: that there is so much more at my disposal than
28:12
Speaker 1: I give life credit for. Okay, way more. I just
28:16
Speaker 1: need to open my eyes, broaden my awareness and my
28:20
Speaker 1: horizons and go for that thing. So to answer my
28:23
Speaker 1: initial question, which is is it possible to get what
28:26
Speaker 1: you want by detaching from it? The answer is yes,
28:30
Speaker 1: it is possible, and it's actually imperative that you do
28:33
Speaker 1: so because it is the ultimate paradox that exist when
28:36
Speaker 1: it comes to fulfilling your desires and understanding it is
28:39
Speaker 1: going to get you there.
28:40
Speaker 2: Even if you detach yourself.
28:42
Speaker 1: From that exact person, and that exact person ultimately does
28:46
Speaker 1: fall back in love with you, and you do date
28:48
Speaker 1: the exact person that you want, it still benefits you
28:50
Speaker 1: detaching from that having to have that thing because then
28:54
Speaker 1: you are not fearful of losing them when you have them.
28:56
Speaker 1: Okay ah, I hope you guys enjoyed that episode. Hopefully
29:01
Speaker 1: it was food for thought with where your life is headed.
29:04
Speaker 1: I love you guys, Thank you so much. Also, if
29:07
Speaker 1: you haven't already, go jump on my website if you
29:09
Speaker 1: are Sydney based or just anywhere in the world based
29:11
Speaker 1: if you want to come to my live show, come
29:13
Speaker 1: to the Sydney Live Show. It is the last ever
29:15
Speaker 1: show of Lost, but make it look intentional. The following
29:18
Speaker 1: shows after this are going to be brand new, completely
29:21
Speaker 1: different formatted shows. So this is the last one for Lost,
29:23
Speaker 1: but make it look intentional and I'm very excited for it.
29:26
Speaker 1: Jump on the website, buy your tickets. Forth Affair but
29:28
Speaker 1: it's going to be a blast. I can't wait, new
29:30
Speaker 1: merch everything, it's going to be epic. So good times.
29:33
Speaker 1: As always, remember be kind to yourself, become to your brain,
29:36
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
29:38
Speaker 1: from yourself.
29:39
Speaker 2: Dunker