Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 280. The 6 Types Of Wive's Who Don't Enjoy Being Sexually Intimate With Their Husband

Transcript

280. The 6 Types Of Wive's Who Don't Enjoy Being Sexually Intimate With Their Husband · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: It's the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast with Nick and Amy, and today's episode is the six types of wives who don't enjoy being sexually intimate with their husbands.
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: You don't know what we're talking about, but trust us, this will be a good one, and the second we dive in, you're going to be shaking your heads.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Now this can go for husbands as well.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: Right, it's not just.
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: We're not just hitting on the wives, this can go for husbands as well.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: Right, it's not just we're not just hitting on the wives, this can go for husbands as well we realize we're.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: I feel like we're always kind of pointing the finger at the wives who are denying.
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: We understand there are plenty of husbands that reject sexual intimacy too.
• 1:20
  Speaker 3: Nick can't comprehend that.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: A lot of husbands can't comprehend it.
• 1:24
  Speaker 3: But we get a lot of emails from wives.
• 1:26
  Speaker 3: So this definitely we're going to call it the wives who don't?
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: Enjoy it, but there are some husbands for some reason.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: Just know, we're all inclusive this episode, so you all know what we're talking about.
• 1:39
  Speaker 2: So the six types of wives.
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: Let's dive in to number uno.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: Number uno is the exhausted wife.
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: I'm too tired to make love.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: I'm exhausted today and tomorrow and the next day.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: I'm always too tired.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Problem solved.
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Listen to one of our earlier episodes, which is make love in the morning.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: Now, the benefits of making love in the morning.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: Okay, moving to the next one.
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: No, I'm just joking, oh, I was like.
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: Really this is a very common thing.
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely, I get it this is the go-to excuse.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: I'm just too tired tonight.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: Well, sometimes you literally are, I get it, but you just need a little waking up.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: But then the next night I'm too tired and the next night I'm too tired and I when.
• 2:33
  Speaker 2: That rolls on for weeks and months.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: So what are you not too tired?
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: to do?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: I'm sure there's plenty of things that you're not too tired to do.
• 2:37
  Speaker 3: Oh, not, not too tired to scroll on instagram and tic tac for six hours.
• 2:40
  Speaker 3: Um, okay, are we talking of?
• 2:44
  Speaker 3: Are we diving into, like, what the real reason is, or is this?
• 2:48
  Speaker 3: The real reason like I feel like a lot of women, me included, have used this I'm too tired tonight, excuse, and it is valid a lot of the time like we're literally exhausted.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: But and it works right.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: Like to say I'm just too tired and end of story.
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: End of story.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Yeah, like it's an easy sometimes you are definitely exhausted and that is a valid reason and hopefully your spouse is super respectful of that yeah the problem is, you were gonna say I was just gonna say we're not all.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: We're not at all saying that there are nights you can't be too tired.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: Oh absolutely.
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: We're just talking about constantly too tired, constantly Correct.
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: So in this one, I I get what it's like to be a woman that's too tired.
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: I truly get it Like we take on so much, so much.
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: And if you're working, I mean you're working regardless if you're a mom or if you work inside or outside of the home, you're always working.
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: But kids are demanding.
• 3:49
  Speaker 3: Life is demanding, I it is.
• 3:53
  Speaker 3: It is real to be exhausted, it is real it is real, but what causes that?
• 4:00
  Speaker 3: taking on too much, or over scheduling yourself, or over scheduling your kids, or over scheduling your life, doing too much service, doing too much volunteering there's just a lot of things that we try and put on our plate as women, right, because we want to be awesome.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: So I totally agree with that.
• 4:20
  Speaker 2: I mean, you know, you and I have talked about this in our own marriage.
• 4:22
  Speaker 2: Like I mean you know, you and I have talked about this in our own marriage Like all right, what are we going to do to make it so we're not like just totally overboard and totally exhausted and we have nothing left to give each other, like you know, instead of your kids?
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: playing in 13 sports maybe you drop them down to 12, right 13.
• 4:43
  Speaker 3: How about one or two?
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: tops.
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: I'm joking, but on the other hand, I'm also saying that, look, if you're too tired constantly, then you probably need to reevaluate things, because if everything else is more important than connecting with your spouse because you're too tired, that's a problem.
• 5:01
  Speaker 3: Well and two, but I'm being an amazing mother.
• 5:04
  Speaker 3: I'm an awesome mom.
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: That's why problem Well and two, but I'm being an amazing mother Like I'm an awesome mom.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: That's why I'm exhausted.
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: The best thing you can give your kids that we always say, is a great marriage.
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: So how do you reevaluate that situation, right?
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: How do you change it so that you're like I'm an awesome mom, but I'm still an awesome wife?
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: Because your wife duty came first, I think from a husband's standpoint.
• 5:23
  Speaker 2: we look at it and say, okay, you know 13 hours, right, You're busy, You're doing stuff for 13 hours.
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: Why can't it be 13 hours and 15 minutes, right?
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: Like, why can't you squeeze in 15 more minutes that we can connect?
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: And I think that's.
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: It doesn't take much.
• 5:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah it doesn't take much.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: It's not like you're running a marathon, right, it doesn't take much, yeah, yeah, it doesn't take much.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: It's not like you're running a marathon, right, right.
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: So I think, from a husband's standpoint, that's.
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: What we don't understand is why you can handle 13 hours.
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: Why not 13 hours and 15 minutes?
• 5:54
  Speaker 3: Or why not cut back to 12 hours of being busy?
• 5:57
  Speaker 3: Instead of 13 hours or 11?
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: And if you're a husband and your wife's constantly exhausted.
• 6:03
  Speaker 2: Maybe you should take a look and say, okay, what can I do to help her relieve some of the things that are on her plate?
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: Right, 100%.
• 6:11
  Speaker 3: We were just going to get there.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: Yes, so, I think this is a really important women to be in shape, to look good, to run the house, to keep the house in shape, to keep our kids fed, healthy, and the family and the house running and the pets, and that if you work on top of that, oh, like it's just a lot.
• 6:34
  Speaker 3: Right, it's a lot.
• 6:35
  Speaker 3: And a lot of husbands like it's.
• 6:37
  Speaker 3: You get ready in 20 seconds.
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: You go to work, you come home, you.
• 6:41
  Speaker 3: A lot of husbands have admitted they don't have a whole lot after that, unless they're serving in their church or stuff like that.
• 6:47
  Speaker 3: Right, I'm not saying husbands aren't busy, it's just if you're a mom, your job is 24-7.
• 6:53
  Speaker 3: And so I think we forget how to have those conversations.
• 6:57
  Speaker 3: On what you just said how do I take something off your plate?
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: I don't want you to be too tired.
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: Do you think we should cut back on this, this and this?
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: Do you think we could step back in this area?
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: Like, I want to be a team and we're both physically exhausted and our marriage is kind of on autopilot raising our kids, and that's what we don't want is to get to a point where every day is just racing by and there's nothing to look forward to.
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: Needs are being neglected.
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: One of the spouses is just kind of feeling like, eh, the passion's gone.
• 7:26
  Speaker 3: Neither of us want that right.
• 7:28
  Speaker 3: Neither of us want that.
• 7:29
  Speaker 3: So having that conversation, making sure that you prioritize that time so you're not exhausted, and cutting back on stuff so you're not exhausted no one wants to be overly exhausted.
• 7:39
  Speaker 3: We've all been there or we are all there.
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: We're going to have to talk to our dogs about this.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: It's 2 o'clock and they're all exhausted, sleeping.
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: Yeah, don't you sometimes wish you were a dog?
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, look at them, look at the life they got.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: No, our life's way better.
• 7:55
  Speaker 2: They're exhausted from taking a nap earlier.
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: They look forward to their nightly walks, just like you look forward to your nightly connection.
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: Correct walks, just like you look forward to your nightly connection.
• 8:07
  Speaker 3: Correct, we all have something to look forward to.
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: We're similar yeah, we just don't yeah, okay, moving on, moving on the next one is the bored wife or spouse hmm, that sounds familiar in our relationship, what no, you went.
• 8:21
  Speaker 2: When you're like I need something else, you were like I need something else.
• 8:23
  Speaker 2: No more just missionary.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: I need something else.
• 8:26
  Speaker 2: You were bored.
• 8:28
  Speaker 2: Um and I'm not going to lie, yeah.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and we tried to scratch that itch, we tried to figure that out.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: That's why Amy created the app.
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: I think I don't just think it means in the bedroom, though.
• 8:43
  Speaker 3: I think life in general, I think it means in the bedroom, though.
• 8:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think, life in general, I think life in general can get boring and, like we were just talking about that day-to-day routine taking care of kids, raising a family, maintaining a home Like that can get boring.
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: It can get moody If you're doing really exciting things in your life and surprising and have a really fun life, so to speak, it's probably going to translate to excitement in the bedroom.
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: Probably life, so to speak, it's probably gonna translate to excitement in the bedroom.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: I will say I think when you came to me and said I'm bored in the bedroom, I think that was probably one of the times in our life that we were very routine and bored outside of the bedroom to like there's no excitement.
• 9:21
  Speaker 3: So I definitely agree with that that when things are more exciting out of the bedroom, it's probably going to translate into into the bedroom too and if you go back to the exhaustion and you're just like, well, you just said, take some stuff off your plate, how am I supposed to add more spontaneity?
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: Spontaneity, that word spontaneity spontaneity into my life.
• 9:41
  Speaker 3: How do I make date night more exciting?
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Maybe you're like strapped on cash right now, because a lot of people are.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: How could I think date night still exciting and you know what I mean like you can't really go on big trips.
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: Well then, there's gotta be.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: There's gonna be other things that you're looking for and there are other things you can do there absolutely other things you can do, so so I think that's what the whole point is is how do we figure out how to keep life exciting so both spouses have something to look forward to, because the midlife crisis thing is real right.
• 10:14
  Speaker 3: Here we are, in our 40s.
• 10:17
  Speaker 2: Early 40s.
• 10:19
  Speaker 3: Me early 40s.
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: You not so early 40s.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: You're looking like you're 30, so that's so that's good.
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: Oh, babe, that's the kind of thing that's good.
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: Uh, what was I saying?
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: oh, you were just talking about my smashing looks.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: That's what it was midlife crisis is real and that can happen and like you don't have to be in your 40s, that can I remember being in my 30s and be like stuck in, like that toddler and like that really hard age where the kids it's just I don't know, it gets exhausting and it gets kind of routine and so making the bedroom exciting, making date night exciting, having exciting conversations together that's where the app conversations came from, like keeping just the little simple things exciting gets you through those stages.
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I also think that how do I, how do I say this in the right way?
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: Like a lot of things is what we make of it too, like even if your life isn't that exciting, there's things that you can do to kind of make it more exciting.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Oh, for sure.
• 11:22
  Speaker 2: Right, like it doesn't take a lot of effort, and part of that is like your attitude as well.
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: Sometimes, you know, I don't know.
• 11:32
  Speaker 2: I think a lot of it is just your attitude and perception and also comparing to other people.
• 11:39
  Speaker 2: So, anyways, we don't need to get off the map.
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: Everyone's going to think their life is boring if they're on social media all the time.
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: Right, you're just gonna be constantly comparing vacations.
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: I think we all I think we're all gonna do that right.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: So we're everyone's just cross, comparing, with everyone else wishing they had their life and vice versa, and we should be really grateful for what we have and if you're like, oh, I'm so, I just wish I had a passion of marriage like so and so, just passionate.
• 12:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just decide to and say what do we need to do?
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: It takes two people.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: We get that.
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: The next one is the hurt wife.
• 12:14
  Speaker 3: The hurt wife, the wife that is hurting, or a hunksman.
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: Either way, there's probably been in this situation some kind of betrayal, some kind of trauma, something that happened in the relationship, a neglect, some dishonesty.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Hopefully, and if your wife's hurt like that's serious, that's real, you can't dismiss it.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: You have to sit down and talk about things and try to get a result.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: And you might need to include a professional if needed.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Because betrayal I'm sorry, that's like the first killer of intimacy, sexual intimacy and resentment like that kills that.
• 12:56
  Speaker 3: It's gone yeah right, like you've got to figure out the deeper problem, and forgiveness is a big part of that.
• 13:01
  Speaker 3: Do we need to get into that one really?
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: no, I think everyone knows your spouse doesn't hurt, make sure they're to get into that one.
• 13:05
  Speaker 3: Really no, I think everyone knows make sure your spouse doesn't hurt, make sure they're not hurting inside.
• 13:08
  Speaker 3: That takes really good deep communication right.
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: The next one is the disconnected wife.
• 13:14
  Speaker 3: Disconnected as in uh, you're just, you're just disconnected from each other, like there's other things pulling you apart.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: You're just two roommates living together.
• 13:27
  Speaker 3: There's not a bunch of passion not much of a connection.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Um, a marriage that looks like this as a wife is off, you know, doing things with her friends and that's what makes her happy and those are her priorities.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: Um, you know, maybe the husband's also doing that.
• 13:46
  Speaker 3: but just having that disconnect where you're two people just living two separate lives, basically everyone knows what that kind of feels like just living in a roommate marriage I think my advice for that what is to take a class or join an activity or start a new hobby together that like excites both of you, like we started playing pickleball together.
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: We don't do much anymore, we need to get back into that, but when we started, like it gave us something during the week to look for, like we get to get out of the house and go have fun together in a different kind of environment and that's what it really comes down to is like trying something active or going on a bike ride or go hiking together, just like whatever that is.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: Or go take a class on something you want to learn, something that you can look forward to, that you're doing together well, and I know we say this all the time, but it's worth repeating because, let's face it, we're maybe a lot of us are not good at it, but if you're disconnected as a couple, I can promise you you're not doing the things you were doing when you were dating, you're not having the conversations, you're probably not doing date night, you're probably not having fun together.
• 14:52
  Speaker 2: So simply, like Amy said, just start doing those things together.
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: It's really that simple.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: Just make each other a priority and say let's go do something fun, let's go on a hike, let's go on a walk, let's go talk, let's go on a hike, let's go on a walk, let's go talk, let's go to dinner.
• 15:12
  Speaker 2: Do the things that you were doing when you were dating.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: And we often think that, like if we're in a rough patch in marriage or we're struggling with something, that it takes a long way to get back.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: But it actually can happen very quickly.
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: If you're in a relationship where you're not really connected, it's amazing how just spending a fun time or date night together can all of a sudden just reconnect you quickly, right, I mean, it can happen very, very quickly and so it's not a long drawn-out process, most likely.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: Oh, absolutely.
• 15:35
  Speaker 3: I think intentionality in this one is really important.
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, just being intentional.
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: Just literally Just trying a little harder, just put forth a little bit of effort.
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: That's really all it takes yep, yep.
• 15:50
  Speaker 3: Anything else on that one, okay.
• 15:52
  Speaker 3: The next one is a wife with low libido or mismatched, mismatched sex drive from her husband yeah, which is going to be most couples.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: Most couples are going to have a high desire spouse, a low desire spouse, like we say all the time.
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: It's not always the wife that has the low desire, but the majority of time that's the case.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: So that's what we're referencing here.
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: If you're a different couple, that's that's fine.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: We're not right, you know.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: We're not excluding you.
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: We recognize that.
• 16:22
  Speaker 3: Yeah but, I think this is the one where you have to realize.
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: I think you have to dig deeper and be like okay, I need to understand where you're coming from with a high drive and I need to understand where you're coming from with low drive, because you're different than I am.
• 16:42
  Speaker 3: This is where it gets tricky.
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: The lower drive spouse isn't going to care about sexual intimacy because it's not naturally what they're thinking about.
• 16:49
  Speaker 3: So this is really important to okay, how do I learn more about what it feels like to be a higher drive spouse Like, what does this mean to you and vice versa?
• 16:59
  Speaker 3: And then finding that balance, like, okay, just like we have in our marriage.
• 17:03
  Speaker 3: We're both opposite in this.
• 17:05
  Speaker 3: We've had to really communicate about that and figure out how do we find that healthy balance and still keep it fun for me, so that I don't want to look at it as a chore and I can still be intentional about it sometimes and he, he comes down and to my level I don't want to call a level, but like trying to understand.
• 17:22
  Speaker 3: Okay, that's not important to her, so I can't get upset that she doesn't initiate all the time and it's okay that I'm the initiator, I'm the one that's thinking about it, as long as she's willing, right, yeah.
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: And it's one of those things too, Like, even if you're a low-desire spouse, as we've talked about often, it doesn't mean that you can't get in the mood through foreplay.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: It doesn't mean that you don't enjoy it just, it's not like a spontaneous reaction where you're feeling like, oh, I want to go make love it.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: It takes effort to get to that point, but then, once you get to that point, you can still really enjoy it, right?
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: Am I understanding that?
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: correctly, absolutely, absolutely.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: And it's important for the husband or the higher drive spouse in this situation to try not to feel like, just because she's not initiating all the time, that he's always feeling rejected or frustrated or unloved.
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: Because when you start to understand, like, make us understand.
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: Okay, she's not naturally thinking about sex, but she still loves me.
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: And just because she doesn't think about that, because we're created differently, doesn't mean she doesn't love me.
• 18:22
  Speaker 3: And I really take that, it takes that reassurance, I think.
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: It does, and I think too, just to give a lot of you hope again, amy is a low desire, I'm a high desire, but we really do have a great intimate life.
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: But it's because Amy still prioritizes that and knows how important it is to me and I am very grateful that she does prioritize that and I let her know how grateful I am that she does prioritize that and I let her know how grateful I am that she does prioritize that.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: So it takes a little bit of effort on her part and it takes an understanding on my part.
• 18:53
  Speaker 2: But I would say, for a couple that has an extremely high desire spouse and a very low desire spouse, we still have a really good intimate life, and so what I'm trying to say is now it takes a lot of work, right?
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: It took us a lot of work, like it didn't just come out.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: I'm not sitting here saying that, um, it doesn't take work, because it does on both of our parts it's not.
• 19:15
  Speaker 3: Lucky us, it's not.
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: It was a lot of a lot of work and still a lot of work, right, but I think I guess what I'm getting at is Amy knows, because we've had these talks and everything like that, like she knows how much I appreciate what she does for me, and I think vice versa, and we just work again.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Our goal is to be a team, working together and strengthening our relationship, and we recognize how important that is for both of us, for both of us, um.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: But I think what I'm trying to get at is just because so many people message us and just say my wife has no desire.
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: Therefore, we just never do it.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: Right and we've talked about that in podcasts with the lower desire spouse completely controlling it.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: It takes a little bit of um.
• 20:02
  Speaker 2: What's the word I'm trying to use?
• 20:07
  Speaker 3: Give and take, give and take absolutely.
• 20:09
  Speaker 2: I think that's a great thing, Because obviously, with a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse, you're never going to.
• 20:19
  Speaker 2: The high desire spouse often isn't going to get everything they want.
• 20:22
  Speaker 2: The lower desire spouse isn't going to get everything they want.
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: So what does that balance look like, right?
• 20:27
  Speaker 2: It's that give and take like you talk about.
• 20:31
  Speaker 3: I think it's also for the husband.
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: They're like I wish that my wife would.
• 20:34
  Speaker 3: There would be more give and take in our marriage.
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: Like Nick has really had to step it up in a lot of other areas and he's been really good at that too, so it was give and take on both sides.
• 20:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: It takes two right.
• 20:50
  Speaker 3: So yeah, I think it did that well.
• 20:51
  Speaker 3: I don't really know what to add.
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: It's just communication.
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: I think it really all comes down to communication, like you said, and saying and expressing to each other how you feel, what you need, what you desire, and saying how do we come to a good compromise?
• 21:03
  Speaker 2: How do we, how do we get you, as a low desire spouse, to recognize how important it is to me?
• 21:09
  Speaker 3: and to enjoy it more.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: And enjoy it more and having those conversations.
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: So I want to, because again I'm sorry to interrupt, but a low desire spouse oftentimes could still enjoy sexual intimacy.
• 21:21
  Speaker 3: It's just not on their mind to be the one to initiate which is important for that higher drive spouse to realize it's not about you, like we talked about in the last one.
• 21:32
  Speaker 3: It's it's not about you.
• 21:35
  Speaker 3: It is sometimes about me like it's not because I don't love you.
• 21:38
  Speaker 3: I have to say that right.
• 21:39
  Speaker 3: Um, when you get to a point where you can really talk about life, like you have to also not be like offensive in this area or offended easily in this area, because there are some nights where I'm like I'm really not in the mood.
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: But I'm willing to take 30 minutes for you and my mind might not get there.
• 21:58
  Speaker 3: It might, it might, but I'm okay with a quickie tonight and doing this for you and Nick's always like no, no, no, I want to be for both of us, like sometimes it's okay to to not be offended, that they don't want to or I don't know, yeah I don't know if I got that across right, but yeah, I think you did okay, we're gonna move on um, because we talk about sex drives so much.
• 22:22
  Speaker 3: There's so many episodes that we've done on mismatched sex drives, we're not going to get into it big time.
• 22:27
  Speaker 3: So go back to one of those episodes.
• 22:28
  Speaker 3: But the next one is the distracted wife, and this goes both ways.
• 22:33
  Speaker 3: Absolutely Distracted would be.
• 22:36
  Speaker 3: I would rather be on my phone, I would rather watch TV, I would rather read a book.
• 22:43
  Speaker 2: I would rather do anything.
• 22:45
  Speaker 3: I'd rather put my kids first every second of the day.
• 22:48
  Speaker 2: But think of how.
• 22:49
  Speaker 2: Think of how, like hurtful a distracted wife or husband is or husband is, it hurts.
• 22:59
  Speaker 2: Because it pretty much says I would rather scroll my phone and look at just garbage than connect with the one I love.
• 23:06
  Speaker 3: Like it's hard to take it really is, but isn't it funny how, like, being intimate could take 20 minutes, but you could literally scroll on your phone for two hours and not even realize what you've just done, like it happens to everyone yeah like we have to like trade, we have to like sit back and look at our priorities like, why is this happening?
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: Why?
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: There's always a deeper reason.
• 23:27
  Speaker 3: Usually a deeper reason because I've been doing some research on like the mental, like behind the swiping and the addiction to the phones and that dopamine hit that we're constantly getting.
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: I mean, they say that like adults well, even kids but a person's reaction time or attention time is more the right word is literally like seconds.
• 23:51
  Speaker 3: Now, so like swipe?
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: Oh, I didn't like the first sentence of that video.
• 23:55
  Speaker 3: I'm going to keep swiping.
• 23:56
  Speaker 3: Oh, I didn't like the picture on that first slide.
• 23:58
  Speaker 3: I'm going to keep swiping Like we have no attention anymore and it's wrecking marriage.
• 24:03
  Speaker 2: Well, how often do you look at a video and you see that it's like 10 minutes and you're like, oh, that's too long.
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: But then you see one that's like two and you're like oh, I can handle two minutes.
• 24:18
  Speaker 3: No matter what the subject is, even if it's something you're really into, it seems that we're constantly going for shorter and quicker.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: We're programming ourselves this way?
• 24:24
  Speaker 3: Yeah, for sure, For sure.
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: I mean there's other ways to be distracted.
• 24:26
  Speaker 3: It could be like we said you're putting your all your kids stuff above your marriage.
• 24:30
  Speaker 3: You could be putting your hobbies before your marriage.
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: You're just distracted in some way and there's usually a deeper reason why you're being distracted.
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: That that's the whole point it's, it's amazing to me and and we've been there, so I'm not saying this um to sound like well- we've totally been there, so I'm not saying this um to sound like well, we've totally been there.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: What I was going to, what I'm, what I'm saying or going to say, is it's amazing, like how we get married and then we act as if our marriage is just not important at all, like we find every excuse to not be intimate.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: We find every excuse to not be intimate.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: We find every excuse to be distracted, we find every excuse to maybe some often not you know serve our spouse or what have you Like?
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: it just it seems like so many of us give up, and I would say there was a time in our marriage we were like that, maybe not, not intentionally, maybe not.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: Not intentionally, not intentionally.
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: That's what happens.
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: It's not intentional.
• 25:30
  Speaker 2: You're exactly right, and I'm not saying it's intentionally.
• 25:33
  Speaker 2: I think most of the time it's unintentionally.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: But why do we do so many things to keep us from having the marriage that I think all of us want?
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, if we're in a bad marriage, all of us want to have a good marriage.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: No one's in a marriage that thinks, oh, I want to have a bad marriage, everyone would love to have a good marriage, but yet there's almost zero effort.
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: I feel like that some couples just don't put in any effort at all to make their marriage better, like a lot of these things we're talking about are really simple and easy things to do and implement they really are.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: They really are, but I think our pride gets in the way so, yeah, so if we recap its distractions, we always talk about just getting those distractions out right.
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: Talking about the different sex drives.
• 26:22
  Speaker 3: On being more connected, we talked about the disconnected wife just being more connected and and the big solution for that is really how important night time is, like going to bed at the same time putting your phones away, turning them off, getting your kids to bed and just whatever that looks like, just prioritizing that connection time.
• 26:41
  Speaker 3: Whether it's 20, 30 minutes an hour we have, there's always time in the evening to connect with each other.
• 26:48
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm getting over the resentment or the hurt.
• 26:51
  Speaker 3: So you don't have a hurt wife keeping your marriage exciting, so you don't have a bored wife.
• 26:56
  Speaker 3: Remember spouse too.
• 26:58
  Speaker 3: And then exhausting, just exhausted wife, just helping each other out.
• 27:03
  Speaker 3: You're both carrying that weight.
• 27:04
  Speaker 3: That takes a lot of that exhaustion away, like no one wants to feel exhausted all the time.
• 27:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so if you're a spouse or a husband that you know some of these things sound familiar.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: Sit down with your wife, talk about it, talk about how you can, you know, improve in these areas and have a better relationship.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: And, yeah, you got to have those conversations like we always talk about, absolutely so absolutely so uh anything to add nike, noe, our dogs sounds like they're asleep.
• 27:36
  Speaker 3: They don't have anything to add no, all right, I think that I think that, if any, we've done like full-on podcast on every single one of those things we listed.
• 27:45
  Speaker 2: So if you want more, yeah there's more I know I was gonna say I don't have in front of us what the episodes are because we're on 279.
• 27:54
  Speaker 3: So it's somewhere somewhere between one of the other 278 episodes, you'll be able to find it so anyways, we hope you enjoy the podcast and until next time.
• 28:05
  Speaker 2: Hope you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.