Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S2 Ep21: Parenting: A Comedy Horror Story 🤣.

Transcript

S2 Ep21: Parenting: A Comedy Horror Story 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_04: But we got five kids, and that seems like a lot.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_04: And and frankly, it's too many.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_04: It is a lot, but what am I gonna do now?
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_04: It's not like they come with free return shipping.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_04: I love I love having uh five kids.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_04: I travel with them because I don't want to be away from them, and also I enjoy the look on wait staff's faces when I walk in with my family.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_04: Because my kids are five, six, eight, eleven, and thirteen.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_04: And we walked into a restaurant in Dallas, and I saw a waitress look at me and my family and quit her job.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, she could have been getting off her shift.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_04: I just saw her look at us and throw down her apron and storm off.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_04: And I felt like we won.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_04: But I like being a dad, you know.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_04: I try and do one-on-one time with each of my kids, but it's hard because I travel and there's a lot of them.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_04: So sometimes that special daddy and me time is just doing something mundane, like going with me to the post office.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, that's right, buddy, just you and me going to find out why we got this damn slip on our door.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_04: Stick that in the memory bank.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_04: My dad always making time for me.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_04: Squeezing me into errands.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_04: I remember walking to the post office and listening to him bitch and moan about the federal government.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_04: What a guy.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_04: Try to be a good dad.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_04: I got my kids a dog.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_04: I rescued a dog.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_04: Well, it's not like the dog was drowning.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_04: The dog wasn't a victim of sex trafficking.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_04: I just went in a building, gave a guy money, and got a dog.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_04: That's how I rescued it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_04: After that, I rescued a pizza.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_04: I actually had to wait to rescue the dog because the dog was in Jamaica.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know if it was on vacation.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_04: But I rescued a dog from paradise so it could live in my crowded New York City apartment.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_04: Sometimes I put the leash on the dog and it looks at me like, I used to run on the beach.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_04: And now I sleep in a cage.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_04: My only hope is that one day you'll get rescued.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_04: But rescue is the language of today, right?
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_04: And we mean adoption.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_04: Now, people don't even say they own dogs.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_04: Now people say they're a dog parent, but I feel like dogs are different from kids.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_04: Like you never hear a parent say, you know, my son had some behavior problems, so we gave them to a friend who had a farm upstate.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_04: And we can run around and we'll visit them on weekends.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_04: Jim, you're a monster.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_04: I'm no saint, but nobody is, nobody even goes for saint today, right?
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: There's no saints.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody's like, you know what, I'm thinking of uh I'm either gonna go graphic design or saint.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody goes for it.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_04: Because, well, there are there are Latter-day Saints.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_04: There's Mormons.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_04: I love the Mormons.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know what Latter day means.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_04: Maybe that means they're like deviant till 3 p.m.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, well, kids are coming home.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_04: Let's get out of these SM outfits, honey.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_04: Back in khakis.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_04: I'm talking about the traditional Catholic sense of a saint.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_04: Nobody goes for saint anymore.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_04: Because it's too hard.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_04: To be considered a Catholic saint, you have to perform two miracles.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_04: I don't know why it's two.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_04: It's not like half of us be like, you know, if it was one, I'd go for it.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, because I could do that thing with my elbow.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_04: It's not like one miracle's not impressive.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_04: You're never in a job interview unless you hear special skills, walk on water, Microsoft Word.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_04: Tell me about the Microsoft Word.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_04: Actually, where I live in New York City is where the soon-to-be first African-American saint is buried.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_04: His name was Pierre Toussaint, and he was a hairdresser.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_04: I don't even know you could be a hairdresser in a saint.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_04: But he apparently got done cutting people's hair, and they were like, this is a miracle.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_04: He was a great man, and he'll he'll be a saint.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_04: He'll probably be the patron saint of hairdressers.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_04: You know, because saints are in charge of things like you're in charge of hairdressers, you're in charge of lost objects, St.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_04: Patrick, you're in charge of Ireland.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_04: St.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_04: Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, every March 17th, we honor St.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_04: Patrick by getting wasted.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_04: Right?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_04: But we don't know.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_04: We don't know.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_04: St.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_04: Patrick could be up in heaven going, I didn't even drink.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_04: What are these people doing?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: What's wrong?
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Shut it out.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: What are they doing?
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: What won't he do?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_01: He won't do homework?
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's easy.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: He ain't doing homework?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: Take them in a vacant building.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's where you're gonna live.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: You can't be the right, that's where you live.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I'll see you tomorrow.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: When you hang in there.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: You can't go home nowhere.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: You can't read the street sign.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: Tough love.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you gotta do tough love.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: We forgot.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Tough love don't mean beating a child.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't talking about beating.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Everything talking about whooping a child.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: It's nothing wrong.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's wrong to whoop a child.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: Look, you ain't never been whooped.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: The whooping is psychological.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: Whooping don't even hurt that much as my father.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh boy, he threw all that noise.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I'm like, okay, okay.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I can tell a uh a man, a young man doesn't have a father.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: You ain't never feared nobody.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: See, when you when you don't ever fear a man, you can tell a dude every night, you disrespect me, you disrespect me.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I've been disrespected most of my life.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: I had a father, he had no respect.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: Get up.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't dressed that.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: You tired?
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: No, sir, no, sir.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: You act like you're tired.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: No, I'm just having some issues.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_01: See, as a man, if you ain't never backed down away from a man, you don't know what it's like to back off a man.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta know when to back up, that's why these kids getting shot.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: You gotta know when someone's more dangerous than you.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: And that's what fathers teach you.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, are you standing up to me?
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I stand up because my back.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: You can't fight everybody.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: There are certain people, and we all know, every man here knows, there's always one dude with that cat, the most dangerous.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: There is a most dangerous man, woman in every neighborhood.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody goes like this.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Man, he stole my bike.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just let man let that.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_01: You see, when a dangerous dude stole your bike, he's right by you.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: Get on, you want to ride?
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: What?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: That's my bike.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: This is your bike?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Wait, hold on, look at it.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Oh no, my handlebar is different.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: You actually don't want to back up off people, man.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: See, every crazy people don't say they're crazy for they hurt you.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: I'm crazy, man.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I kill you.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: I'm crazy.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: Crazy people stand there.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: And when you have money, you go to a different kind of drug treatment center.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_01: When you have money, you go camping and you hike and you swim it out.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: You swim the crack out.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You swim it out.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: You stick in circles.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: What'd you do today?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: We went on the mountain.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I don't need drugs.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: I went on the mountain.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: I saw birds.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: That's enough for me.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: That's enough for me.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: You ever been to inner city?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: Drug rehab?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: What you got to say, John?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't got nothing to say.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't supposed to be in the first place.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: This is four quarter.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: Before reality shows, crazy folks your family used to hide.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: Remember?
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Since reality shows, put me on.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Put me on.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_03: Someone else to talk to, and then you create the worst roommates on the planet.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: Horrible people to live with.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: Horrible.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_03: If you don't have kids, imagine having a roommate that comes into your room, takes something you love, smashes it in front of you, and then walks out of the room.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: Then comes back, pees on it, and laughs in your face.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_03: They're animals.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_03: You ever open up a pack of MMs around little kids?
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: They come out at you like goats in a penny zoo.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: No hands, just heads.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_03: And that's what brings you back together.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_03: You're like, I hate them.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: I hate them too.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_03: I love you.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_03: I love you too.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: The worst part is that they don't really like you that much.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Kids don't.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: I like my kids.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_03: I like them a lot.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: They don't like me.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: They don't.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_03: If you like someone, would you walk up to them when they're reading the paper and just tear it out of their hands?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_03: No, you wouldn't do that.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: Would you cock block them every night of the week?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_03: Not to someone you liked.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_03: They just look at me as a source for food, and they'll lie right to my face.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: Right to my face.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_03: They will.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: They don't care.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: They don't care.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_03: This is the thing.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: You love kids in an uncontrollable way.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like if you love another person, you're in love whether you're a guy or your girl, you can control.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: You can put the brakes on.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna have to love her this much, I don't want to expose myself, I'm gonna keep it back.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: Kids, there's a cascading love, you it's you it's helpless.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: You will kill for them, and you're in free fall.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: And they look at you like, nah, I could do better.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: If I get some of those keys that he's got, I'm out of here.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: My little one came up to me last week.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: I want some teddy grams.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_03: Give me some teddy gram.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: No, you just had teddy grams.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_03: No, I didn't.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yes, you did.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_03: I gave them to you.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: Then why do you gotta go make me upset?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_03: Just give me some teddy grams.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_03: What are you, a little white pimp?
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_03: Who's in my kitchen?
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_03: Just give me some mother-loving teddy grams.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: What do you jibba jabber?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_03: I mean just give me dang ding dang if my arms were long, I would get the teddy gram myself.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_03: Why you gotta be who are you in my house?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_03: But I found something out.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_03: If you would have ever end up with kids and you want a little advantage over them, raise them here in New York because the weather is so bad, it creates gloomy children.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_03: It's perfect.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_03: We were we were in LA and just the sunshine, the kids were so filled with joy and hope and energy and every day.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_03: Can we go to the park?
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_03: Can we throw a ball?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_03: Can we go in the pool?
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_03: Can we can we can we can annoying.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_03: Here they just sit in the apartment and stare out at the rain for hours.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_03: They just watch the water falling, and they get all sad and pensive and contemplate what went wrong in their first seven years on the planet, and they realize I can't help, and I'm just reading a book and I'm happy.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_06: That's when a relationship is really, really challenged because you're supposed to stick together as a team raising a child.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_06: They tell you that you gotta stick together.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_06: But it's hard sometimes when you walk into a situation.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_06: My little one, my little one was on the floor, and she's screaming.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_06: My wife's broken, she broke my wife, broke her, right in half, snapped.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_06: My wife snaps, she starts counting, thinking this will make it better.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_06: It just adds the chaos.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_06: So, right, so I walk in, it's like this is what I walk into.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_06: I come out of the car happy, like, hey, go I'm home.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_06: Isn't this great?
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_06: Hang out with the kids, boom, there it is.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_06: Get up off the floor! You're acting completely out of control right now, and I don't know where you get this from.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_06: You don't get it from anyone in this house.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_06: I'll tell you that right now.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna start counting the five.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_06: And when I get to five, I swear to you, if you're not up off the floor and in your bedroom getting ready with your pajamas on, I'm putting you up for adoption.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_06: Do you understand me?
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_06: One, I've just started counting you're not even moving because you don't listen.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_06: Nobody listens in this house.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_06: You want a phone?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_06: You're never gonna get a phone because I've asked you ten times to clean the kitty litter! Ten times! Nobody does their chores, and nobody don't ask for anything from now.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_06: Two, you haven't moved since I started counting.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_06: Because you don't believe me.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_06: You think you haven't do you act this way in school?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_06: Do you act this way in school?
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_06: I'm gonna start videotaping you and I'm gonna send it to your teacher.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_06: This is your student.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_06: I don't know what she's like in the classroom, but at home she's completely out of control! And maybe you can do something about this.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_06: I'm filing the papers as we speak.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_06: There is still kitty dog in the kitty litter.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_06: I can smell it! Do you charge or you never get whose shoes are these?
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_06: I'm throwing them out! Get up off the floor right now! And then she sees you, and then you as a father ask a question that you think is just a common sense question for this situation.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_06: What's going on?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_06: And apparently, that's like breaking up a lion feeding.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_06: I had no clue, but now it's on me.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_06: What's going on?
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_06: Did you just ask me?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_06: You just asked me what's going on.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_06: Don't you dare come in our house! We built this house together! Me and you w together long before any of you children ever existed! Kitty litter, I'm not gonna say it again! Don't you dare come in this house insinuating a situation at hand?
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_06: You think I'm the bad guy?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_06: You didn't see what has led up to the situation that is driving me mad.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_06: You know I'm not normally like this! These things drive me to this! Don't you ever come in here and ask me what's going on?
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_06: You want to know what's going on?
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_06: You want to really know what's going on?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_06: Ask God.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_06: Tell your father why you're completely out of control.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_00: Shut up.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'm off to be a star.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: But on one of the trips I took a few months ago, my seven-year-old son, just before I left, my seven-year-old son had got beautiful thick hair, like an awful sister for a boy's son gives his hair.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: And had all of his head.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then I left.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And when I returned, two weeks later, my husband had shaved his head.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: And he lost his shaving for a case.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: And your seven-year-old's like, hi, mum.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: Did you get me any stuff?
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: No, darling, I didn't.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: Don't pick at the sore, sweetheart, help listener.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I have been traveling a lot and been really busy.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the main reason I have been so busy is maybe because I got famous.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everything in that package.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: I actually had a massive falling out with one of my friends and her husband, and I'm down to four friends in real life.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's like it's like a fart, friendship.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a farther.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: It's like a farther.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's funny.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I haven't always posted inappropriate, unflattering, half-naked photos of myself.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: I used to have a really boring Instagram account like all of you.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Well, okay.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Come on.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: Show of hands.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: Who took a photo of their dinner tonight and posted it online?
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Hey gals.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: We all really appreciate it.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: But when I started doing Celeste Challenge accepted photos, the account took off really quickly.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: It was kind of really fun.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: I remember I got something like 10,000 followers, something crazy.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_00: It was around this photo.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: So that's pretty.
• 19:24
  SPEAKER_00: And that there is me having a go.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have any upper body strength.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: None whatsoever.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Seriously, these are bad boys.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_00: They are just for show, really.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_00: What a full show they are.
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't do that.
• 19:50
  SPEAKER_05: Fancy pet, just so we understand.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_05: Come on.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_05: You're not a parent, you're a hobbyist.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's nice to have a hobby.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_05: I have hobbies.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_05: Everybody has a hobby.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_05: Come on.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_05: You can handle one kid with a chair and a roll of duct tape.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_05: I've seen it happen.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_05: And you have two, right?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_05: You think that's a family?
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_05: Get out of it.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_05: Second one comes, I got this one, you got that one.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_05: He's going into DVD, so watch him.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_05: But yes, DVD said, I got her.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_05: Watch him.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_05: And you have three.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_05: I got this one, you got that one.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_05: And a free agent.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_05: Someone's approaching the edge of the radar screen.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_05: My son is the fourth.
• 20:41
  SPEAKER_05: He cannot use his thumbs.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_05: He has no verbal skills.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_05: He is Monkey Boy.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_05: He follows a trail of cookies from place to place.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_05: Monkey Boy cookies! More cookies, Monkey Boy! I don't have the time.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_05: He's gonna have to get with the program.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_05: Your first baby's coming.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_05: Every sunset's gorgeous.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_05: Flowers bloom wherever you are.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_05: The guy's been all supportive, honey.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_05: I love you so much.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_05: Love you, love, love, love, y, love.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_05: I want to welcome this new miracle into our lives.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_05: I child-proofed every cabinet in the house.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_05: I boiled the sofa for a half an hour.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_05: Nothing unclean will touch our precious miracle's little mouth.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_05: Boink, boink, boink.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_05: When you have four kids, let me tell you, fourth kid sterilization.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_05: You find a pacifier under that car seat after six months, blow on it.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_05: I got it, buddy, found it.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_05: Right here.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_05: Maybe we dry food on the thing.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_05: It's jelly, jelly bakey, buddy, bonus jelly.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_05: It's jelly.
• 22:19
  SPEAKER_05: Come on.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_05: Keep working, it'll soften up.
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_05: The dirt will make him stronger.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_05: I'll tell you what.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_05: I had three girls and then a boy.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_05: Yeah.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_05: Three girls, then a boy.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_05: But I'll tell you what, I'm raising him as a girl because I'm not buying all new stuff.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_05: No.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_05: You'll put on the pink jumper.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_05: You'll like it, buddy.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_05: Pink Sumatro color, put it on.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_05: That is not a skirt, it's a kilt.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_05: Put on your kilts.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_05: Maxi pads, I told you those are knee pads.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_05: You stick them back on and get back on the soccer field.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_05: I don't care what people say.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_05: It's good sports equipment.
• 23:03
  SPEAKER_05: Adidas, Reebok, Cotex, stick them on.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_05: I bought a box of 7,500 of those things at Costco.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not wasting one champ.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_05: We don't waste in this house.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_05: I'll use them as sticky cocktail napkins.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_05: Don't try me.