Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep23: Latina Wife vs. Latina Mom/ The Ultimate Family Smackdown

Transcript

S1 Ep23: Latina Wife vs. Latina Mom/ The Ultimate Family Smackdown · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: There were so many things when you know me and my husband when we talked about how we were gonna do this that we decided we were just not gonna do, right?
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And there were certain things we promised ourselves that we would do.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because there was a lot to consider.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Not only do we want to raise a good human being, but also my son is multicultural.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, he's mixed.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: He's half Puerto Rican, half white, hard T.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: That Midwest white hiss different, you know what I'm saying?
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's I know there's white people here, but if my husband walked in, even y'all would be like, that's a white guy.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like you'd be like, be like, I'm white, but that's unseasoned chicken that just walked through the front door.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: That is that is level 10 white.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Don't y'all come for my porcelain king.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: A couple guys in the audience that are like, porcelain king.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna use that later.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to think about that, man.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like, my son, my son is mixed.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: Or as I like to say, his DNA's been colonized.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Ah.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: That is my favorite way of saying it.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because people are always like, ha ha, wait a minute.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: She's snug in history.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: I have to think about that though.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Honestly, as the mother of a mixed child, I have to think about the fact that a lot of his childhood is going to be me explaining my half of his makeup and the history of those people.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I know he's gonna have questions.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because all kids have questions, and I'm petrified.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know if you've heard the level of questions these children are asking, but these are jeopardy level questions.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I am quite honestly not prepared.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just waiting for the day where he's like, what happened to the indigenous people of the Caribbean, mommy?
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I just look at his dad.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is your time to shine, sir! My poor son is walking around like I come from the oppressor and the oppressed.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the problem and the solution.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, that's right, baby.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: Also, don't take no blankets from daddy's side of the family.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: If you got that last part, if you got that last part, I love you from the bottom of my heart.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because the amount of times I'd looked out at an audience of people that's like, what's wrong with their blankets?
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong?
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: What's the thread count on the blankets?
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud of my son, he's doing great.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: He speaks English and Spanish.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um, yeah.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: Humble brag.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And really, look, if if you're in the audience and you're you're Latino, Latina, Latine, Latinex, any of them, and you don't speak Spanish, that is okay.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make you lesser, it doesn't mean that people should make you feel lesser.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: I, yeah.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: I spent a lot of my younger years so judged because I didn't speak Spanish well enough for the people around me that I just stopped altogether and didn't learn until I was older.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the thing, I'm also third generation.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're third generation, then you know what I'm talking about.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: By the time I came around, everybody had assimilated already.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: So English was the norm in our household.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: When my parents were growing up, it was different.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: They spoke Spanish only inside the house.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: But that's because at that time there was something called a gag law, where Puerto Ricans could not display a Puerto Rican flag or speak or sing any sort of patriotic songs.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: It was dangerous to speak Spanish outside of the house.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_00: So for me, I didn't speak it in the house, I only spoke English, so I learned it from all of my co-workers when I started working.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: And all of my co-workers were Mexican.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: So my Spanish is very confusing.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm a Puerto Rican who speaks Spanish with a Mexican accent, but uses Puerto Rican and Mexican terminology.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: My Spanish sounds like what a ransom note looks like.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: People who are fluent in Spanish hear me speak Spanish and they're like, where are you from?
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, man.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm trying to figure it out.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: My son does, he speaks Spanish, but he's nervous in Spanish, so he like whispers in Spanish.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I know it's adorable and creepy.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: Kids do not know the rules of whispering.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: So they just like do it whenever.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be like washing the dishes, and behind me I hear siete.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: Mommy's gonna burn some sage now.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Try to get the demon of Columbus out of you.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, we should start with this.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I should have started here.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't even know I was pregnant.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: We should have probably started there.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I knew before the delivery date.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't like I didn't show up at the hospital like my tummy hurts.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: But I didn't know for a while.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be real with y'all, I didn't know for a while.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And then people are like, how did you not know?
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that that's what happens when your weight fluctuates.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody talks about this.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_00: But my weight went up, and I was like, oh, I'm fat again.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I wasn't mad about it.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, who's thick?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: You thick?
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Al.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was like.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: My thighs got bigger.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm about to change some lives.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: And then I went to a doctor and he was like, nah, that's a person.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what's wrong with you?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: It's a whole baby.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, that's a foot?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: I thought that was gas.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's wild.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: You sure check again.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: I ate some cheese earlier.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: You might see a block of brie.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: That looks like a foot.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it was a whole baby.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Freaked out, I'm not gonna lie.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: But as soon as I saw that first like ultrasound, I was sold.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: That was it, I was sold, man.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I had a great pregnancy.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had no complications, no morning sickness, and all my girlfriends who had kids were like must be nines.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, it was.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can't help it if I'm God's favorite, man.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Pick a God, any God.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a favorite across the board, man.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: I thought about it, but I'm also a person that has anxiety, so like, if you have anxiety, you know you're gonna spiral no matter what.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: And when things go good, you're just waiting for something bad to happen.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like anxiety is a terrible trap that we get caught up in.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Because here I was having the most beautiful pregnancy, and all I kept thinking was something's gonna go wrong.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Something's gonna go wrong.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: And sure enough, I thought of something.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: If you think hard enough, you're gonna create a problem.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: And right away I was like, oh, I know what it is.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know I was pregnant for a while, and I'm a weed smoker.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, maybe my baby's a little too relaxed.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: I panicked immediately, went to the doctor, immediately went to the doctor.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so afraid.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: I was so afraid to tell the doctor I thought I was gonna get arrested.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm about to orange as a new black this whole pregnancy.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was ready to get locked up.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: I told the doctor, I was like, hey doc, I don't know how to tell you this, but I didn't know I was pregnant for a while, and I'm a weed smoker.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he was like, me too.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: What are we talking about right now?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, you got a plug, sir.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_00: We ran a bunch of tests, everything was fine.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Thankfully, everything was fine.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, everything was fine.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: But that never stops the spiral.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: The spiral was gonna happen whether or not everything was fine.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I was spiraling, and when you spiral, there was no rationale in it.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you have no ability to stop yourself from going to the craziest lengths when you spiral.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, oh my god, I was going crazy.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, I'm gonna go to push, and the room's gonna fill with smoke.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: Just like a Snoop Dogg video.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: My son comes out like, wham, two, three.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that was a silly one, but we all went with it.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Everything was fine.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you something, man.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Giving birth during the pandemic was wild.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: It was wild, man.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: They ushered us all into this, like all the pregnant women into this one room.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't all arrive at the same time.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: But they ushered us all into this one room and then separated us by curtains.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: And it's my first kid, so I was like, this seems legit.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure those are special pandemic curtains.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: That's the thing, I'm not gonna lie to you.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: As a Puerto Rican girl from the South Bronx, I didn't think I could bag a white boy from the Midwest.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was too aggressive.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because I don't know, I don't know how to soft flirt.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know how some girls can like really cute flirt?
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Not me.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: I'm New York aggressive with it.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'd be like, yo, I like you, son.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: You trying to do this?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Turns out he liked it.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: He was like, I'm scared, I'm gonna follow her.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: Moving from the Midwest to New York, what a culture shock.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was a c I couldn't start him in the South Bronx.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Like I couldn't.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's not a starter borough.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_00: Like that's right, we don't start people in the Bronx.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: We end them.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: Don't shoot the messenger.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: Although we do, we shoot the messenger.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody getting messages.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: But we found a nice, like a nice starter borough, a story of Queens, great starter borough, right?
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: We moved there, man.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I showed them all the artists in coffee shops.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, look, your people did that.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: We moved to this nice, quiet neighborhood, or so we thought.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Till one day we were driving around and a fight broke out in the middle of the street.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Two grown men started beating the crap out of each other.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: And my sweet Midwestern husband was like, oh no.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I should do something.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, if you don't roll up your window right now, I'll fist fight you myself.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, what you gonna do, Captain America?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: You gonna fight two grown men?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Uh-uh, you have psoriatic arthritis.
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_00: Take a seat.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you what's about to happen.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm about to watch you get jumped.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's about to happen.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I'ma watch because I know how to mind my business.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: I already learned.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: This is your lesson, baby, not mine.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't like that when we first got to the neighborhood.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: When we first got to the neighborhood, the hottest beef on the block were two businesses that were at war with each other.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was a health food store and a bagel shop.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And the health food store started selling bagels.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I said.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing, they could have sold their bagels in secret.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: That would have been the respectable thing to do.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: But they put out a sign.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the sign said, we sell organic bagels.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: So the bagel shop put out a sign.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: And their sign said, there's no such thing as organic bagels.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I saw that.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, the block is hot! It's hot in these streets.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: My favorite thing is like people still, no matter how crazy it is in New York, people still want to come to New York.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: They still want to come, people dream of coming to New York.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_00: They always tell me it's my dream of going to New York City.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And like, and we know why.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: New Yorkers, we know why.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: You want something crazy to happen.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: You want to see something wild.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: You want your weird New York story.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I always tell them, come, it'll happen.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: We aim to please.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: The homeless will always provide.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, the unhoused cupcake?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Cupcake?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I realize that that's our PC term now, is unhoused.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: And look, I was an English major in college.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: I'm down to play with language.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do this.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we can talk about unhoused, can't we?
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's goofy.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you why.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, that's the same word.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: You can't convince me otherwise.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have a thesaurus.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't gonna lie to me.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: And two, it sounds worse.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: Homelessness sounds like a situation that could not have been prevented.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: Unhoused sounds like somebody just rolled up on them.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: And was like, I'll be taking this.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: And no more house for you.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: The second I heard it, I was like, what an elitist privileged way of describing a situation, right?
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, you can hear it right away.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: Did you hear about Janice?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: She was recently unhoused.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's the kind of word that is only used to make the speaker of said word feel better about acknowledging a situation they know nothing about.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: It just makes them uncomfortable to acknowledge it.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they created a word as a buffer, but there's no progress in that word.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: There is no help in that word.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've ever lived in that situation, then there are a bunch of words you would have used instead of that word.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was shocked.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: There was like nobody thought of nomad.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: That's my first choice.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine you roll up on a homeless person?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: What up, my nomadic brother?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_00: Way to stay off the grid, man.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: I too am anti-establishment.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the words, honestly, some of the changes, I'm okay with.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Some of the changes I think are pretty brilliant.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: I know a lot of people are upset with all the PC language, but I find it kind of entertaining.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: Like, did you know on social media now they're calling smoking weed gardening?
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, it makes me sound so much more productive.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: I've been gardening all day.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Gardening helps me deal with people.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it doesn't matter how crazy New York gets, it's still a vibe.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's still a city that has its energy.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_00: Man, when you think about it, even when COVID hit, we were the epicenter.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Even COVID came through, like, New York is lit.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: COVID was like, if I can make it here, I can make it anyway.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: Lived its best life.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when they released us um COVID captivity.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_00: We got rid of that six feet of personal space, day one.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: Day one, it was gone, man.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: We couldn't wait.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: I know because I got on the subway, and within two seconds, I had a guy this close.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Right in my face, like that.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sir, we're the only two people on this train.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like there's a lot of options you're not taking.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: But where are you trying to go?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: I thought he was lost for like a second.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he thought I was the map.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: COVID was like a universal trauma that we all shared.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: What a crazy time.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody's life changed.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Things changed for people.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I became a mom during the pandemic.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I had a baby.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: This is wild.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, most of you.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I realize I get a different response depending on like lifestyle-wise and generationally, like who's in the crowd.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like if it's older people or people with kids, they'll be like, woo-hoo, you made a person.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: But like young single people, y'all be like, ha ha.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: I see all your trauma come up to the surface.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, I'm a mom, not your mom.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't do it.