Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #141 Making Mornings Magic

Transcript

#141 Making Mornings Magic · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:00
Speaker 1: I guess a tip for mums in particular is not
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Speaker 1: necessarily believing your children when they say they know exactly
0:06
Speaker 1: where it all is.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, we've actually learned that there's two very important words
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Speaker 2: to say right then, and that is show me. It's
0:17
Speaker 2: the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time poor
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Speaker 2: parent who just wants answers. Now. My name's doctor Justin
0:23
Speaker 2: Colson here with my wife and co host missus Happy Families.
0:28
Speaker 2: There's a little bit tired today, just a little bit.
0:31
Speaker 2: And I'm the one that's copying the brunt of it
0:35
Speaker 2: because I just tried to press the record button. I've
0:37
Speaker 2: forgot to plug the microphones in. I couldn't work it out,
0:40
Speaker 2: and Kyle's looked at me and goes, it's not plugged in.
0:43
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, there's going to be an interesting podcast. We're
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Speaker 2: the parents, have six kids. I've written six books about
0:48
Speaker 2: how to have happy families, and usually that revolves around
0:52
Speaker 2: my wife having enough sleep. I reckon, Hey, we've been
0:55
Speaker 2: getting some feedback via podcasts. That's podcasts with an s
0:59
Speaker 2: podcast at happy families dot com dot Au. And I'm
1:03
Speaker 2: on the outer and I think what I've just said
1:05
Speaker 2: there might have even pushed me further to the outer
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Speaker 2: Do you want to talk about the feedback or should I? Oh,
1:10
Speaker 2: you can talk about the feedback. People are saying I
1:12
Speaker 2: talk too much. I don't know why because I've got
1:16
Speaker 2: so much to say. But people are sort of saying, Kylie,
1:18
Speaker 2: how do you live with him? Can you just get
1:20
Speaker 2: me to be quite? We want to hear from you.
1:21
Speaker 2: You're the mum, You're in the trenches. He might know stuff,
1:23
Speaker 2: but you're doing stuff.
1:25
Speaker 1: Well, if you want to hear more from me, then
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Speaker 1: by all means, join us tonight.
1:31
Speaker 2: For book club. Well, I thought you were going to
1:33
Speaker 2: say something else I that you're going to say. If
1:34
Speaker 2: you want to hear more from me, tell Justin to
1:35
Speaker 2: be quiet. But yeah, book clubs tonight. If you're a
1:37
Speaker 2: happy Family's member, twenty one days to a happier family.
1:40
Speaker 2: Kylie runs book club. I'm not involved, hid from no
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Speaker 2: one except Kylie. But today I'm going to try my
1:46
Speaker 2: best to just be a little more what's the word
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Speaker 2: a deferential?
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Speaker 1: Oh, differential?
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Speaker 2: Deferent? It's deferentially. If I'm differential, I think that's mathematic
1:55
Speaker 2: or something to do with the car. I'm going to
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Speaker 2: be more deferential today. What are you talking about him club?
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Speaker 2: Tell me about it.
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Speaker 1: Well, we had so much fun last Wednesday as we
2:04
Speaker 1: opened up book club. We talked about getting the child
2:07
Speaker 1: parent relationship right and being weare your FETA, and as
2:11
Speaker 1: we discussed on Friday, I was really trying hard to be.
2:15
Speaker 2: Where my feet are.
2:17
Speaker 1: So book club is definitely having an impact on me,
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Speaker 1: but had some great insights from parents as they joined in.
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Speaker 1: And tonight we're actually going to be looking at routines
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Speaker 1: and why they matter. We're going to discuss and talk
2:32
Speaker 1: about holding family meetings and how they can have a
2:35
Speaker 1: positive impact in the way our families run. And we're
2:39
Speaker 1: going to hopefully get time to touch on me time
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Speaker 1: versus we time.
2:43
Speaker 2: So I think that we should cover off a little
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Speaker 2: bit of one of those topics. Just now. Let's talk
2:48
Speaker 2: about routines. But before we do that, I would really
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Speaker 2: like to know when you were talking last week in
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Speaker 2: book club about getting the relationship right, did you talk
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Speaker 2: about the bucket analogy, the bucket metaphor that I I
3:00
Speaker 2: use in twenty one days to a happier family.
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Speaker 1: We sure did. That was a really integral part of
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Speaker 1: the conversation and for those people who have been participating
3:08
Speaker 1: in book club. We actually put a challenge up on
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Speaker 1: our Facebook page in relation to that and helping us
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Speaker 1: to kind of really unpack where our time together spent
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Speaker 1: together is in comparison to direction and correction, and that
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Speaker 1: needs to really develop and strengthen those relationships.
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Speaker 2: So, for those who are not familiar with what's in
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Speaker 2: twenty one days to a happy family in the bucket
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Speaker 2: metaphor that we're describing, basically, your relationship is a bucket,
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Speaker 2: and our job is to fill our children's buckets with connection.
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Speaker 2: And metaphorically, that's the water that goes into a bucket.
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Speaker 2: Like you don't want a bucket full of air, you
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Speaker 2: want a bucket full of water. That's what buckets are
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Speaker 2: for for carrying water. So the water is represented by
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Speaker 2: connection and the air well that's correction and direction. And
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Speaker 2: so the question pretty much is this morning, how much
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Speaker 2: time do you spend connecting and directing versus connecting? And
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Speaker 2: I think as we sort of, you know, we'll talk
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Speaker 2: about the morning routines and stuff in a sec I
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Speaker 2: think that if we can get good quality connection into
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Speaker 2: our mornings, which is, let's face it, missing from most
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Speaker 2: people's mornings. Most of the time, because there's so much
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Speaker 2: to do and so little time to get it done.
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Speaker 2: We spend all of our mornings correcting and directing, and
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Speaker 2: we wonder why our relationships allows you in the mornings.
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Speaker 1: Well, we find our children kind of you know, get
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Speaker 1: sidetracked along the way, don't then they start really well,
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Speaker 1: but they get a bit sidetracked. Are we constantly having
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Speaker 1: to redirect them back to what they need to do.
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Speaker 2: So that's where that metaphor comes from. And I reckon
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Speaker 2: that if we keep that in mind, that's what you
4:41
Speaker 2: talked about in book club last week. Keep that in
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Speaker 2: mind as we talk about what we're going to talk
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Speaker 2: about today in terms of making our mornings magical, that
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Speaker 2: is probably going to be one of the most important
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Speaker 2: things that we can do.
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Speaker 1: I was thinking that tapping into that, as much as
4:57
Speaker 1: we talked about being we your feet are, is just
5:01
Speaker 1: as important because when you think about all of the
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Speaker 1: things that you're doing in the morning, you're actually not
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Speaker 1: right where you are. You're thinking about everything that needs
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Speaker 1: to be done and the need to hurry because you
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Speaker 1: know you've got to get them out the door and
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Speaker 1: get them to school, and then you've either got to
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Speaker 1: go off to work or come home and you know,
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Speaker 1: do all of the enormous list of ongoing chores that
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Speaker 1: just never seem to you, never seem to be able
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Speaker 1: to get through. And so being where your feet are
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Speaker 1: is actually going to help slow your thinking down and
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Speaker 1: the way you interact with your children, which will create
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Speaker 1: better connection.
5:30
Speaker 2: See how let you just cut me off and keep going.
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Speaker 2: You did, I'm deferring. See if you like that? All right,
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Speaker 2: so let's talk about how to make our morning's magic.
5:37
Speaker 2: Next it's the Happy Family's podcast. I'm doctor Justin Colson
5:41
Speaker 2: here with missus Happy Families, Kylie Colson, my wife and
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Speaker 2: mum to our six kids, and we're talking about it
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Speaker 2: how to make mornings magic. And I think it's fair
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Speaker 2: to say that we've had our fair share of pretty
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Speaker 2: average mornings, which is why we're pretty passionate about getting
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Speaker 2: mornings right.
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Speaker 1: Well, if you were listening to the podcast on Friday,
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Speaker 1: we gave you a bird's eye view of a morning
6:00
Speaker 1: hasn't gone so well.
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Speaker 2: The short version is that the morning went like this.
6:03
Speaker 2: I woke up early. Now we were exhausted because our
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Speaker 2: year twelve daughter had her former the night before, which
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Speaker 2: meant that we got home from picking her up extremely late,
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Speaker 2: probably two or three hours after our bedtime. So I
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Speaker 2: made Kylie breakfast in bed, chopped up a fruit salt
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Speaker 2: with fresh everything. And I was thinking to myself, this
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Speaker 2: is going to be the morning that I talk about
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Speaker 2: in the podcast where I say I just got this
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Speaker 2: so right. In fact, I was feeling so confident that
6:24
Speaker 2: I said, to the kids, get yourselves organized, will ride
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Speaker 2: to school today. And so I don't know what happened,
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Speaker 2: but I gave Kylie breakfast in bed, and Kylie just
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Speaker 2: kind of never came out of the bedroom, never surfaced,
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Speaker 2: which is probably a bit unfair. I expected her to
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Speaker 2: shovel her breakfast in two minutes and then come out
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Speaker 2: and help me get the kids coming. Didn't that I
6:42
Speaker 2: needed to have a shower. Wa Yeah, And I'm just
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Speaker 2: out there thinking I'm doing it all on my own.
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Speaker 2: I've made a breakfast in bed, for goodness sakes, what's
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Speaker 2: going on?
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Speaker 1: You kind of lost it at that point, didn't you.
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Speaker 2: I didn't have a good morning. And while I don't
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Speaker 2: think that I was necessarily cruel or unkind to anyone,
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Speaker 2: I just got a bit shouty. I turned into shouty dad.
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Speaker 2: So that was our week last week. We're doing our
7:02
Speaker 2: best to be better, you know, we're trying to be
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Speaker 2: better tomorrow kind of thing. What what do you reckon
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Speaker 2: are the integral essentials of making mornings magic?
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Speaker 1: Well, you talk specifically about four different things that we
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Speaker 1: can do in helping to create those magic moments each
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Speaker 1: morning with our kids. So the first one was really
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Speaker 1: recognizing and understanding that our morning actually starts the night before.
7:31
Speaker 1: Do you want to unpack that for us a little bit?
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Speaker 2: Yees? So we know that if we can get everything
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Speaker 2: organized the night before, the next day just runs so
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Speaker 2: much more smoothly. So that means when you go to bed,
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Speaker 2: you know, the kitchen's actually tidy and the house is
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Speaker 2: in reasonable shape. But more than that, it's specifically the
7:47
Speaker 2: morning stuff like the kids. Do you know where the
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Speaker 2: kid's shoes are or a school bag or their lunchbox.
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Speaker 2: They're reading their library books, so it's making sure that
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Speaker 2: the bag is pretty well packed, the uniform is laid out,
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Speaker 2: the shoes and the socks and the sports uniform, everything
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Speaker 2: that they need is ready to go. If you remember
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Speaker 2: to do that the night before, it just means that
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Speaker 2: you don't have that pressure of you, what do you
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Speaker 2: mean you can't find your shoes? You were wearing them
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Speaker 2: yesterday in the car on the way home. Like, you
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Speaker 2: don't have to deal with that stuff.
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Speaker 1: And I guess a tip for mums in particular, or
8:21
Speaker 1: dad's but for me is not necessarily believing your children
8:26
Speaker 1: when they say they know exactly where it alls.
8:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, we've actually learned that there's two very important words
8:32
Speaker 2: to say right then, and that is show me. I
8:36
Speaker 2: want to see them.
8:39
Speaker 1: So definitely has had such a significant impact on making
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Speaker 1: our mornings move forward in positive ways when we have
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Speaker 1: done that preparation the night before.
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Speaker 2: Now, if you want to go over the top, we've
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Speaker 2: done this. We haven't done it for a while, but
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Speaker 2: we both know that it works supremely well. We actually
8:59
Speaker 2: put together breakfast menu and a lunch list, and before
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Speaker 2: the kids go to bed, we get the kids to
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Speaker 2: circle on the laminated breakfast menu what they want for
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Speaker 2: breakfast the next day, and they choose what they want
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Speaker 2: for lunch the next day, because you know, sometimes they
9:15
Speaker 2: walk out into the kitchen and they're bleary eyed and
9:16
Speaker 2: they're tired, and they can't decide what they want. They
9:18
Speaker 2: just open the fridge and stare at it for four minutes.
9:21
Speaker 1: Well the TV is it's not a TV, but they
9:24
Speaker 1: think it is.
9:24
Speaker 2: The fridge is so entertained what's in the fridge. And
9:28
Speaker 2: so what we found is that when the kids are
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Speaker 2: making decisions the night before for what they'll have for
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Speaker 2: breakfast and lunch, they just come out into the kitchen
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Speaker 2: and get on with it. And we've spent time helping
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Speaker 2: them to learn how to make this stuff, how to
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Speaker 2: prepare their own lunches, how to prepare their own breakfasts,
9:41
Speaker 2: and they can do most of it pretty well without
9:43
Speaker 2: our assistance. But the great thing is now that the
9:45
Speaker 2: decisions are made, even if they do need help, it's
9:48
Speaker 2: so easy for us to step in. So that's that's
9:50
Speaker 2: kind of going over the top for some parents, but
9:52
Speaker 2: for us, we found that it's tremendously.
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Speaker 1: Helpful, definitely, and I think in the early early stages
9:58
Speaker 1: there was a lot of involvement needed from me, But
10:01
Speaker 1: as our children have I guess gone through that process,
10:04
Speaker 1: and like you said, we've trained and taught them how
10:07
Speaker 1: to do it that they are very much independent in
10:11
Speaker 1: relation to that. So I guess one of the other
10:13
Speaker 1: things that we've talked about in those four different steps.
10:17
Speaker 1: Is waking our children up just a few minutes earlier
10:21
Speaker 1: then they need to be awake, and doing it in
10:23
Speaker 1: such a way that it's not such an abrupt, rude,
10:27
Speaker 1: you know, intrusion to this beautiful night's sleep that they've had.
10:30
Speaker 2: Yeah, so most of the time when we wake the
10:31
Speaker 2: kids up in the morning, it sounds like this, would
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Speaker 2: you just wake up? This is the fifth time I've
10:35
Speaker 2: told you you're ten minutes later already. It's going to
10:37
Speaker 2: be horrible. And nobody likes those kinds of wake ups.
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Speaker 1: I don't think I ever had that. It was just
10:42
Speaker 1: they turned the light on, right, yes.
10:46
Speaker 2: Turn the light on. Time to get up? Yeah, that
10:49
Speaker 2: sort of stuff just doesn't work well. And so if
10:51
Speaker 2: you want to have magic morning with connection rather than
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Speaker 2: correction and direction, I reckon go and sit on their
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Speaker 2: bed ten minutes early, give them a squeeze, give them
10:58
Speaker 2: a hug, let them know that you love them, and say,
11:01
Speaker 2: are your set for the day? What can I do
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Speaker 2: to help?
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Speaker 1: We've done this so well that our six year old
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Speaker 1: actually comes.
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Speaker 2: And does it to me ten minutes earlier.
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Speaker 1: Yes, I wish. And so then your last one, justin
11:14
Speaker 1: you talk about the need to not tell our children
11:19
Speaker 1: what to do, but ask them what to do.
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Speaker 2: How does that actually work? So so much of our mornings,
11:23
Speaker 2: would you hurry up? Why haven't you done this? Go
11:26
Speaker 2: and get this for me, Go and pack that away.
11:28
Speaker 2: Like we're constantly telling our kids what to do, we're
11:30
Speaker 2: correcting and directing, But when we connect. A great way
11:33
Speaker 2: to engage with the kids when they're not moving is
11:35
Speaker 2: to connect by asking questions. You might say, Hey, what's
11:38
Speaker 2: next on your list? Or is there anything you need
11:40
Speaker 2: help with? I noticed that you're standing there looking a
11:42
Speaker 2: little bit lost. And when you reach out and offer
11:45
Speaker 2: to help, or when you say what's next on your list,
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Speaker 2: those kinds of responses are much less likely to be
11:49
Speaker 2: perceived as correcting and directing and much more likely to
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Speaker 2: be felt like, you know, we're connecting with them, we're
11:54
Speaker 2: seeing them, we're valuing them, we're offering to help them.
11:56
Speaker 2: And that's good for building the relationship, and it's good
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Speaker 2: for making warnings magic, and it's good for getting about
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Speaker 2: the door on time.
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Speaker 1: And there was lots of aends there. So I'm going
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Speaker 1: to add my own one little tip, and I think
12:08
Speaker 1: that it has a huge impact on my morning. It's
12:11
Speaker 1: just using those gentle reminders. So when the kids have
12:15
Speaker 1: actually finished or perceived to have finished their morning routine
12:19
Speaker 1: and they're ready to go to school, and they're already
12:21
Speaker 1: just to kind of, you know, chill out and wait
12:22
Speaker 1: for the school buster come along. That being me, sometimes
12:29
Speaker 1: I'll recognize and see that they haven't actually done a
12:31
Speaker 1: few of the things that they needed to do chore
12:33
Speaker 1: wise or helping out around the house, and so just
12:35
Speaker 1: a gender or reminder, Hey, Annie the laundry is enough
12:39
Speaker 1: for her to kind of kick into gear and go, oh, yeah,
12:41
Speaker 1: I've got five minutes. I can go and do you
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Speaker 1: know put a load on.
12:44
Speaker 2: I love listening to you. I reckon, we should do
12:46
Speaker 2: this podcast more often.
12:48
Speaker 1: Well, I really enjoy speaking with you.
12:50
Speaker 2: Well, we hope that you've enjoyed the podcast. Thank you
12:53
Speaker 2: so much for being with us. If you do enjoy
12:54
Speaker 2: the podcast, can you please visit Apple Podcasts and leave
12:57
Speaker 2: a rating and review. It's the reviews and the that
13:00
Speaker 2: you leave that help people find out about the podcast
13:03
Speaker 2: and find out why there's so much love. Like Sarah
13:05
Speaker 2: did who jumped on and left us a five star review.
13:08
Speaker 2: We appreciate that so much. Sarah and some kind comments
13:12
Speaker 2: as well. All about you, Missus Happy Families.
13:14
Speaker 1: Wow, my first review, this is a bit exciting, says
13:17
Speaker 1: I'm loving this podcast. I'm always a better parent after
13:20
Speaker 1: I listen to an episode. Kylie is a great addition.
13:22
Speaker 1: The husband wife banter is hilarious and very relatable. We
13:26
Speaker 1: are really enjoying spending time together in this way and
13:28
Speaker 1: being able to kind of banter.
13:31
Speaker 2: We're really enjoying that.
13:32
Speaker 1: It's not very often that we get the opportunity to
13:35
Speaker 1: just enjoy one another's company and have these lighthearted conversations
13:40
Speaker 1: about really important things.
13:41
Speaker 2: So thanks Sarah and Sarah. Kylie's eyes lit up. She
13:44
Speaker 2: didn't know that was there. I just threw it in
13:46
Speaker 2: front of her just in time for her to read
13:47
Speaker 2: it out. So really appreciate that. And thanks for making
13:50
Speaker 2: missus Happy Families even happier. She's going to have a
13:53
Speaker 2: spring in this step all day because of that. We
13:55
Speaker 2: love your reviews. Please keep sending them through how people
13:57
Speaker 2: find the podcast and make their families happier. If you'd
14:00
Speaker 2: like more information about how you can make your family flourish,
14:02
Speaker 2: how you can make your morning's magic, you can just
14:04
Speaker 2: love your kids more. I guess especially If you'd like
14:07
Speaker 2: ongoing monthly support through our memberships, check it all out
14:10
Speaker 2: at happyfamilies dot com dot au. Visit the membership's page
14:14
Speaker 2: and you'll find all the info there. You can get
14:16
Speaker 2: more information as well on our Instagram page or at
14:19
Speaker 2: doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families on Facebook