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Is This Love or Is This Trauma? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today's episode is produced by my friends at WalkWest.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Through these small bites of self-visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening, I want to say thank you.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend with me.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: It means a lot to me that you're willing to give some of your precious time to listen to something that I'm putting out there, and it has not and does not go unappreciated.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to tackle the topic of trauma bonds versus love.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: How do we tell the difference between trauma bonds and love?
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  SPEAKER_00: And then how do you protect yourself?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, in the context of the work that I do, a lot of times we I end up working with individuals who are going through and living through toxic relationships.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And this idea of trauma bonding comes up a lot.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: And it's natural for us to go through ups and downs in any type of a relationship or marriage.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: However, a healthy connection is absolutely about trust, it's about emotional safety, it's about reciprocity, it's about freedom, it's about the ability and the independence to grow for yourself.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Healthy relationships should be a place where you feel supported and you feel safe, truly emotionally safe.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we do find ourselves in relationships that are not founded on a concept or action of love, but on trauma bonds.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we tell if the relationship is based on a trauma bond or actual genuine love?
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And what is the deal with a trauma bond versus love?
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So let's just dive into what a trauma bond is.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: A trauma bond is a strong emotional attachment that develops between two people, one of whom is in some way in a position of power.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It is often a connection that forms between a person and their abuser.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I know I'm using a very, very powerful word there, but their abuser as a result of perpetual cycle of abuse and manipulation, these relationships are intense, dramatic, and are on the verge of incident routinely.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I know that I'm using a very powerful word when I say abuser, but the one thing that I have absolutely learned through the work that I do is if we don't start naming things for what they are: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, we end up shaming ourselves.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: We internalize shame and without speaking about it, we set ourselves up to continue to shame ourselves.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And so abuse is really important to recognize what that means.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It means when somebody who has some power over us or is in some type of powerful position and we are put in a position where we are we do not feel that we can escape or get out of that or we cannot speak up and defend ourselves, defend ourselves in any manner, not just physically, but also with our words.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: That is an abusive situation.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: And it is important to be able to name this because I have actually um with talking to clients, have heard stories upon stories of being in a position of being verbally abused, and if we don't name it what it is, there is, like I said before, this propensity to shame yourself or to somehow self-blame.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, back to trauma bonds.
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  SPEAKER_00: How are they formed?
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  SPEAKER_00: When relationships are grounded on a trauma traumatic bonding, it doesn't mean that they're all to say that trauma bonds are formed because somebody got together because of a trauma.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: What happens in a trauma bond is there is a cycle of abuse and fear followed by periods of um the cycles in has the periods of abuse and fear followed by periods of feeling cared for and being honored and cherished and secure.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: So this mixture of fear and love creates this unpredictable connection between the person who is being abused and then, of course, the abuser themselves.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: And the positive episodes tend to confuse the victim, possibly giving them hope that change can happen, right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: Because if there's the the devaluing stage and then the quiet stage and then the building back up, the the love bombing stage, that's what confuses the person on the receiving end.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: So traumatic bonding occurs with this because again, as humans, we are hardwired for relationship, we're hardwired to seek connection, we're hardwired to seek affection.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so trauma bonding happens when we are in these, even in these cycles, because there is confusion that happens.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And when trauma bonds occur, what ends up happening is the individual who is on the receiving end, their self-esteem starts to lower because it undermines how you see yourself and you start to blame yourself.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma bonds also lead to a lack of boundaries because when you're not able to set boundaries and care for your own needs, the trauma bonds can cause you to constantly walk in eggshells and feel guilty, which then leads you to continue to not set boundaries, right?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: You continue to not be able to say no, but most of the time you're feeling insecure or you're feeling anxious or confused.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma bond relationships can lead to isolation because when you're in that type of toxic dynamic, you actually start to experience emotional detachment.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: You can also start to feel isolated, and you also start to pull back from other people because when you're in those situations, there is an internalized sense of shame.
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  SPEAKER_00: There's also the own self-gaslighting that occurs, and so you might start to pull back from other people, and of course, confusion.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: Trauma bonds typically result in conflicting emotions because you're experiencing this mix of positive and then negative, and then positive and then negative, and it can make it very challenging for you to actually even be able to name what you're feeling and then make rational decisions within that.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: So, what really is the difference between, right?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: How do we tell the difference?
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  SPEAKER_00: Well, looking at the relationship pace, relationships that are built on trauma bonds generally develop pretty quickly.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: And in the initial phase of the relationship, there's a lot of love bombing.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of love bombing to the point where you might even feel a little overwhelmed.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And that excessive attention and affection can actually bolster your ego at first, but then it ends up also re resulting in you not paying attention to uh indications that there could be something going on here.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: They're go, you know, they're often referred to as red flags, but I'm intentionally not trying to say red flags because I think it's become such a common term at this point.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: I really want to be very clear that what we're talking about is indications that there's something that could be wrong with the situation.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: So when two people are in a healthy relationship that's built on that true love and affection, their connection grows steadily over time as they get to know each other and they continue to show interest in one in one another.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: Another differentiation are the extreme highs and lows.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: So when there's periods of extreme highs and periods of extreme lows in a relationship, that can be a hallmark or an indication of trauma bonds.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if your connection is rooted in that traumatic bonding, that trauma bond, you may continuously experience these periods of profound insecurity and fear, followed by those stages of calm and connection.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: Also, looking at how you communicate to each other.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: If there's a constant sense of walking on eggshells, it could be an indication that we're trauma bonded to that person.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because with communication so limited to superficial topics, because if you go any deeper, you're not sure what could happen.
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  SPEAKER_00: Conversely, with strong loving relationships, they're built on open communication.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: There's no fear around saying what you need to say, there's no fear around sharing what you feel or what you think.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: And then, of course, the quality of care and respect.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: An authentic partnership, both people are showing empathy for each other, both people are showing support for each other during difficult times.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: There's no contempt involved in those loving relationships.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: So, how do we break a trauma bond?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: Breaking a trauma bond honestly can require having professional support because oftentimes when we are in those situations, we can't even see it.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so coaching is a great way to work through that because you're able to start understanding yourself and understanding what's happening on a deeper level.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and you can recover from those trauma-bonded relationships over time.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: So going through a process of working with somebody and starting to talk about what's coming up and also breaking it down and giving yourself permission to rewind with yourself is a great way to start the process of healing.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you would like to talk about this topic or anything else that coaching could help you with, feel free to reach out to me at any time at coach withcomedy.com.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Username it's authentic me.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for listening.