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You Don't Need Better Communication...You Need Better Regulation · Trauma Free Relationship

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Hands down, the most cited reason couples come to see me is
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to work on their communication. What I mean by this is when a
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couple comes in and they sits down, after I go through the
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consents and confidentiality, some of those things, I ask,
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what can I do for you? And almost inevitably, every
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single time, almost every couple says some form of the following.
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We need to communicate better. We need to get on the same page.
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We need to understand each other better or we argue about
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everything or we keep having the same fight no matter what it is
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we talked about. The same thing plays out every
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single time. So we're going to unpack this
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today. Why you don't need better
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communication because at the heart of it, what you need is
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better regulation. So by the end of this episode,
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you're going to learn why dysregulation is the number one
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issue, breaking down communication, how dysregulation
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creates cycles that are the actual problem in the
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relationship, and how to identify the cycle so that you
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can come together as partners against the cycle.
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Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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I'm your host, Tom Phil, and I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started.
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OK. As I mentioned in the opening,
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the number one reason couples think they're coming to see me
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is because they have communication problems.
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And of course, as a relationship coach, as a therapist, I think
1:51
about this a little bit differently than they probably
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do. When I look at what's happening
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and when I ask for examples and ideas, The heart of what's
2:00
really breaking down communication is the idea of
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dysregulation. So when the couples, one or both
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partners become dysregulated, that's actually what really
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breaks down communication. So when partners feel
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threatened, their sympathetic nervous system is activated and
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this often times puts them into fight or flight.
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Or there's sometimes where something called their dorsal
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vagal system starts to shut down.
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And this is when they collapse or begin to withdraw.
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And what happens is the prefrontal cortex, the part
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right behind our forehead, goes offline.
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And when that happens, we no longer possess the ability to be
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able to think and reason and plan or even be able to
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integrate information like we should because our survival
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brain at this point has taken over.
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We've moved into our protection. We've we were deploying our
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defense mechanisms, whatever those might be.
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And we are seeing our partner more as a threat then as a
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resource for safety and security.
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Let me say that again, because that's really important.
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When we go into our survival brain, our body is responding to
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our partner as if they're more of a threat, then they are a
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place of refuge or safety or a a consistent resource to reach out
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to for soothing. And so when that happens, you
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know the attachment relationship then feels more dangerous than
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it does a source of safety or a safe haven.
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And emotion regulation becomes very difficult in the
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relationship. When safety drops, protest
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behaviors start to rise. And that's a lot of what is
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happening is that we begin to protest because something's not
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working for us in the relationship.
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In this moment. When we see our partner get
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defensive or dysregulated, or we get that way ourselves, we now
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begin to protest the only way our body knows how, that
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something's missing and something's wrong.
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And you cannot communicate clearly when your nervous system
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believes you're in danger. You cannot communicate clearly
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when your nervous system believes you're in danger.
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I think that's really important to understand, and it dovetails
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beautifully with what I'm saying, that in those moments
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where we view our partner as a source of danger as opposed to a
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source of safety, that that that survival brain is going to take
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over. It's going to win that argument
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until something shifts, until we begin to perhaps regulate
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ourselves or a partner can become more regulated and we
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sense it becomes more safe. And so the cycle is the real
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problem here, right? I mean, think about it this way.
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You are not. You and your partner in your
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relationship are not a collection of individuals trying
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to come together. You are a system that is highly
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dependent on each other. And I know that's kind of a
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dirty word in our culture right now because we strive to be free
5:39
and independent. But the fact of the matter is
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once we're in a relationship long enough, you are dependent
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on your partner, You're dependent on your partner for
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some kind of regulation and you're dependent on your partner
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to get re regulated in part when you become dysregulated, they
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play a role in that they can reach you like nobody else can
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at times if they're able to do so.
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And so when it becomes dysregulated in the
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relationship, that's when the cycle takes over.
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And so if we look at this sort of from a systems theory
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standpoint, it a relationship is a series of feedbacks.
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And so partner A uses a tone. Partner B perceives that tone as
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critical or blaming or rude or disrespectful or unfair.
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So they respond with the tone of their own.
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So partner B responds, then that hits partner A as being rude or
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disrespectful or disregulated or something's happening and and it
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goes from there. And then things begin to really
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escalate. And so often times when
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communication breaks down, it's because regulation
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dysregulation, excuse me, has taken over.
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One or both partners become dysregulated.
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So one partner might protest through anxiousness.
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So all of a sudden they feel very anxious and they start
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pushing that anxiety towards their partner.
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Open up, talk to me. Let's fix this.
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Let's correct this. You don't feel that way.
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Listen to me. I'm not feeling heard right now.
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I need to fix this right now. What's going on with you?
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So on and so forth. And that anxiousness gets
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projected onto the partner, who the partner might be actually
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shutting down to protect themselves.
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So that's their type of of protest.
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That's their way of trying to keep themselves safe.
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And so the more the anxious partner ratchets up the
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intensity, the more the other partner feels overwhelmed and
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begins to shut down. Both are protest behaviors.
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Both are doing the only thing they know to do to try to
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maintain some sense of connection, to try to get their
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partner to hear and understand them.
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And so both of them, in their own way, are fighting for the
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relationship. I know that sounds strange.
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I know that feels really weird, you know, for me to say wouldn't
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be fighting for the relationship.
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Shutting down and stonewalling is not fighting for the
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relationship. It is if you're that other
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partner and that's the only way your body knows to maintain
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peace. That's the if.
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That's the only way your body knows to keep yourself regulated
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so that you don't explode and then say things that you might
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not mean. Because once you hit that point,
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you know you're completely out of control.
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And so shutting down is your way of trying to de escalate.
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It's trying to re regulate. It's trying to keep itself
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regulated as much as possible. And same thing can be said about
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the more anxious partner. This is your attempt to try to
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get connection, to try to reconnect with your partner, to
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try to have some sense of feeling heard or understood or
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empathized with. This is your way of fighting for
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the relationship and trying to reregulate what seems to have
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gone wrong in the moment. So from an interaction
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standpoint, it, it can reinforce itself.
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Partner A uses a tone, Partner B responds with the tone that
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comes back and hits partner A and, and they, they are more
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forceful in their tone or they, they're, you know, they start to
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withdraw or they start to get anxious.
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And so that activates their protection and, and their
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attachment style. And you can see how things
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really begin to escalate from there.
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And So what happens is we cannot communicate effectively when we
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are dysregulated. We just can't.
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And we are way more prone to misperceiving what's happening
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with our partner when we feel threatened.
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You are not in the part of your brain that is going to be open
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and going to be flexible and going to be able to hear what
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that the full capacity of what your partner saying, what you're
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going to hone in on of those aspects that feel most
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dangerous. You're going to hone in on
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those, those words in those moments, in that tone of what
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your partner saying that feels like a threat because that's
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what our emotions do. They they focus in on what feels
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threatening to us so that we can respond to keep ourselves safe.
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And so this is where we often can misperceive and
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misunderstand and misjudge and misrepresent what our partner is
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saying. And I see this 1000 different
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ways, but it mostly goes like this.
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One partner on my couch begins to recount what happened at
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home. The other partner jumps in and
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says that's not what happened. I didn't say that you said this
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first. And So what they're both telling
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me is they're both telling me at what point they felt danger
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coming from their partner, but they're not able to actually
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perceive with any kind of clarity the, the real
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conversation that unfolded there.
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And so one partner says, well, I didn't say that first.
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Actually you said this and then I reacted and well, no, that's
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not true. You did this first.
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And, and So what they're doing is they're giving me a really
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good cue and clue as to how they got queued and became
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dysregulated, but it doesn't mean that it's necessarily the
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truth of what happened. And so from a cycle perspective,
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these things really begin to escalate and can go off the
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rails. And as I just mentioned,
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communication really begins to break down.
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And so, you know, this can be even more so if one or both
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partners have some trauma from the past, because what happens
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then, you know, their trauma gets triggered and, and they get
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activated in one of their wounds.
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And this is all the more reason why they feel unsafe and
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unprotected in that moment. And past danger gets projected
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onto the present conflict. When you raise your voice or use
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that tone, it reminded me of what happened growing up in my
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house when my parents would fight and nobody would come
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check on me and I was all alone and I would have to figure out
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how to tune it out. I would have to figure out how
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to not let it get to me because sometimes I'd get so anxious I'd
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just start crying. Nobody ever came to check on me.
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Nobody ever thought for a moment that it was impacting me.
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Just because I wasn't in the room doesn't mean I couldn't
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hear them. My parents going at each other,
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screaming and yelling and sometimes even hitting and all
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that I knew was happening and nobody ever came to check on me.
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So when you raised your voice the other day, that really just
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had a place in me, it hit a wound.
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And the only way I know to protect that is to completely
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shut down. And so our traumas can get
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triggered in those moments all that much more.
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And so it's not, it's not we're not making this stuff up.
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It's not just in our head, it's our body truly reacting to
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something our partner has done. But as you can imagine, it's
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really difficult to be able to communicate in those moments.
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Hey, wait a minute, Let's slow this down.
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My trauma just got triggered right now and I'm feeling myself
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start to shut down, which I know based on your attachment style
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that's not what you need. So can we just soften here for a
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moment? Can we take this down a level?
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Because it would really help me to try to stay and get in those
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moments. That's almost seems impossible
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to be able to try to communicate to your partner when your own
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wound has been attacked or your own wound has been triggered.
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And so being able in those moments to even squeak out the
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smallest phrase of hang on a second, hold on, let's slow
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down. Hey, I'm not feeling unsafe here
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or whatever that might be. That becomes really, really
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difficult. And what we do is we pop out of
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the window of tolerance. And so we move into fight or
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flight, we move into protection. We're you're we're using protest
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behaviors at that point, getting anxious and pushing for
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reconnection or shutting down our protest behaviors.
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That is our way to trying to preserve the relationship in
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those moments. And so we pop out of the window.
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Small triggers create big reactions.
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And as I said, our communication tools cannot override our
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nervous system in that moment. And so, you know, it's really
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important to remember that couples don't escalate because
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they lack the skills. You know, couples are just
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really smart. There's just really, really
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smart people. But what's happening is, is not
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an intelligence based system. What's happening is that their
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nervous system is feeling threatened and alone in those
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moments. And that is beyond any level of
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intelligence that is beyond any of their other capabilities to
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go out and kill it at work or be a superstar in other areas of
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their life. That is beyond any ability for
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them to reverse, you know, decades of of hurt and shame
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coming from their own family and how they were parented and how
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they're going to do it different for their children.
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All of that stuff is still true and can exist at the same time
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as someone's nervous system being triggered, triggered and
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them going into fight or flight and them seeing their partner as
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more of a threat than a sense of safety.
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So when we talk about dysregulation, what we're really
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talking about here is the lack of the ability to stay present
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under stress, to slow any kind of reactivity, to be able to
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soften our heart rate and, you know, slower heart rate, soften
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our Physiology, track our body signals when they come up.
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Are we in this moment? Did we, you know, all of a
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sudden we feel huge anxiety in our stomach or all of a sudden
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we feel ourselves literally just getting small and feeling like
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just about an inch high or something because our shame has
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been activated? O when we talk about being
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dysregulated, those are often the things that just go right
16:36
out the window. Hence the window of tolerance,
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right? The ability for us to stay
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grounded, clear and connected. I mean, there's a reason I say
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that because so much of what what couples come in and talk
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about is this sense that we can't communicate.
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It's because we can't seem to regulate with any kind of
16:56
consistency and dependability our emotions with each other.
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And when those cycles take over, they can begin to really
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dominate the relationship. They really can.
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And, and that becomes actually the new rule in the
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relationship. When we start to talk about
17:16
something that's emotional or that's sensitive or how we
17:20
manage our vulnerability, we pull out these rules.
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And if one person tries to violate those rules, then it
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will dysregulate us. And so being able to regulate
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ourselves in some ways means we're creating new rules for how
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we handle things in our relationship, for how we can
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discuss things, for how we can show up and be vulnerable for
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one another, for how we can lean on and depend on one another
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when we're feeling sad, angry, or scared.
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That's what happens when we learn to regulate ourselves.
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We learn to rewrite those rules in our relationship.
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And so self regulating, being able to breathe, pause, ground
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yourself, even simply naming your feelings is extremely
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important. So when I say you don't need to
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communicate better, you need to better regulate, then that's all
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about your ability to try to create some sense of regulation
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within yourself. And, and there's lots of them
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that I've talked about on this one.
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I'll, I'll repeat them again because I think they are
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certainly worthy of being mentioned.
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Being able to ground yourself. And one of the techniques I
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really like is the 54321. This is 1 I use myself.
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It's 1 I teach to my coaching clients when I teach to my, my
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couples is, you know, name five colors, name 4 objects, name
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three things you can touch and touch those things.
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Don't just name them, but touch them.
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Two things that you can hear and one thing that you can smell or
19:05
taste. And so being able that that just
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really helps ground you. And the whole point is, as I
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mentioned before, it's just, it's too slow your heart rate
19:17
and try to bring you back down into the window of tolerance.
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Another technique couples can use as they can certainly use a
19:24
timeout and, and for really volatile couples that maybe have
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to where they start, you know, maybe neither partner can get
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regulated quickly enough to be able to continue the
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conversation. If that's the case, fine.
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If that's where you're starting from, fine.
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That's no big deal. Just recognize that, OK, we want
19:43
to be able to move beyond being able to take a break.
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If this works for us, if, if, if we escalate so quickly that this
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is just where, where we are and what we have to do and start
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with, then start there. Just meet yourself where you
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are. One or both partners can just
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say time out. I I need a few moments.
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This isn't going very well. I need a break.
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Let me let me take a break and go take about a 20 minute break.
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And that doesn't mean you go back into another room and you
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replay what happened over and over and over.
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It means you take a break and then you engage in those
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regulatory tools. You start, you start doing some
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breath work. So you breathe in for six
20:26
seconds, hold it for four seconds and then exhale for four
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seconds. And you do that several times
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until your body starts to come back down.
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You start slowing your heart rate, you start slowing your
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breathing. You notice your anxiety is
20:42
getting a little bit better. You don't feel as angry or hot,
20:46
or you be be able to re engage with yourself and you're not
20:49
completely shut down. These kinds of things are really
20:53
important because when we go and take a break, we need to engage
20:58
in the work that will allow us to come back and re engage with
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each other. And it's not.
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It's not just enough to go and then replay the whole thing in
21:08
your head and get yourself all worked up even more.
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The idea of a break is that you go and you regulate yourself the
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best you can to come back and then re engage in that
21:17
conversation. So being able to do that is very
21:21
important. Now there there is another step
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to this, which is when we need to regulate ourselves, we also,
21:28
if we are more regulated, one or both partners, then maybe they
21:32
can help their partner be able to regulate more.
21:35
Hey, I can see you starting to shut down.
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Let me just slow down. Let me pull back a little bit.
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I'm going to lean back in my chair.
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I know I can get anxious. I know sometimes I can.
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I can, you know, come on kind of strong.
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I realized that can shut you down.
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I'm going to stop. I'm going to lower my voice.
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Hey, I'm here with you. I didn't mean to overwhelm you.
21:57
I really want you to try to stay present and, and, and feel safe
22:02
in this moment. So I'm just going to stop.
22:04
I'm going to slow my words down and and we're going to try to
22:08
just make this through. OK, I'm not mad.
22:11
I just want some clarification or I look, I know we can get
22:14
through this without having to take a break.
22:17
So if you can reach out to your partner in moments, if you can
22:21
recognize they're starting to shut down or my partner starting
22:24
to feel unsafe and they're feeling really dysregulated and
22:29
maybe they're getting super anxious because I can hear
22:31
their, their tone starting to go up and their, their mannerisms
22:35
are a little more sharp and a little more active than usual.
22:39
Oh, OK, I see this. Let me help my partner.
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And so being able to Co regulate is an important piece of this as
22:46
well. And so you know that the
22:49
question becomes, what do you all do as a couple to rewrite
22:53
those rules for how we talk through things?
22:56
And when we can keep ourselves more regulated, we can rewrite
23:00
those rules. But it also means that what kind
23:03
of rituals or rules can we put in place to help each other in
23:08
in those moments as well? And so maybe there's some safety
23:12
rituals or there's some things that we can do to really help
23:15
each other in those moments when one or both of us get
23:19
dysregulated. Certainly taking a break could
23:22
be one of them. But even beyond just taking a
23:24
break, how could we have our partner be able to soothe us to
23:29
help us in those moments? How can we communicate what's
23:33
going on inside of us? Because more often than not,
23:37
what happens is your partner's looking at what's what's on the
23:40
exterior. They're starting to see you shut
23:43
down or it looks like you're disengaging.
23:46
And that feels to them like you don't care.
23:49
Like, like they're too much or, you know, once again, their
23:54
feelings aren't important enough for you to to sit with and pay
23:57
attention to, which is not as all, it's not at all what's
24:00
going on inside of you, but on the outside, that's what your
24:03
partner's responding to. And one of the caveats here is
24:07
secondary emotions as well. So if we're not able to let
24:12
ourselves feel our primary emotions, oftentimes what we do
24:16
is we deploy A secondary emotion.
24:19
So if we are hurt by what our partner said or we feel blamed
24:24
or criticized, which may cause us to feel hurt, we might use
24:28
anger to protect that hurt. Or if we're sad, we might use
24:32
anger to protect that sadness. Anger usually the most common
24:37
secondary motion, but it doesn't always have to be.
24:40
Sometimes we have a lot of trouble feeling angry and we use
24:44
sadness instead of anger. So maybe we get really sad when
24:50
what we should be a slightly offended by something our
24:52
partner said. But we were never allowed to be
24:55
angry growing up, and anger is not permissible.
24:58
And so you've learned to just avoid anger at all costs.
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And so you just go into a slump and you just get really sad and
25:05
you start feeling depressed and you start feeling hopeless
25:09
because you can't draw on your anger to be able to say, hey,
25:13
wait a minute, that feels unfair.
25:15
Let's take this back a step or assert yourself in a way that
25:19
will allow you to use your your anger to advocate for yourself.
25:24
So being aware of those secondary emotions is really
25:27
important to in how we learn to regulate ourselves.
25:35
You know what? What happens when regulation
25:38
begins to improve? Well, we, we begin to
25:44
communicate more what's going on inside of us.
25:47
That's what happens. We begin to rewrite those rules
25:51
and we begin to communicate. Hey, I'm really feeling attacked
25:54
here. Can we pause?
25:56
Can we slow this down? Hey, I feel like we're getting
26:00
caught on that cycle again. I know we both hate it when that
26:03
happens. Let's, let's slow this down.
26:06
Let's, let's both sit down for a moment.
26:08
Instead of standing up, let's slow this down.
26:11
Hey, you're saying a lot of important things, but I'm aware
26:13
that right now I'm just flooded with anxiety and can, can we
26:17
just take a break or can you just tell me that this is going
26:20
to be OK, that we're, we're somehow going to get through
26:23
this? Because I really just need to
26:25
hear that right now so I don't stay so flooded.
26:28
That's what happens when we begin to regulate ourselves is
26:33
we can communicate better. And most importantly, what we
26:37
begin to really communicate is our needs.
26:42
Hey, I just, I just need you to be able to hear me on this.
26:45
I know it doesn't make maybe perfect sense, but this, I have
26:48
a really strong feeling about this.
26:50
Can you just validate that for me?
26:52
Or, you know, I feel really strongly about being able to go
26:56
out, you know, with my friends and not feel guilty about it.
27:00
Can, can you just tell me that it's going to be OK and that
27:03
there won't be consequences about that?
27:05
Hey, I just, I just need some time alone.
27:08
I've been traveling for multiple days.
27:10
I know you're excited to have me here, but I've got like 0 in the
27:13
tank. I, my battery's completely
27:15
drained and I need, need some time to sort of recoup here a
27:19
little bit so that then I can, I can, you know, cuddle with you
27:23
and give you more of what you need as well.
27:26
Is there a way to give me a little bit so when we're
27:28
regulated, we can communicate our needs better.
27:32
We can communicate our feelings and when we begin to do that,
27:37
then as I said before, we really begin to rewrite the rules in
27:42
the relationship of how we handle vulnerability, tough
27:47
conversations, closeness versus some autonomy or distance in the
27:53
relationship. A whole host of things we have
27:55
to learn how to navigate. And we do so by being able to
28:00
regulate ourselves and be more emotionally available and
28:05
responsive to one another simply because we are now more capable
28:10
and more able to be regulated. Thank you so much for listening.
28:15
As always, I really appreciate all of your comments you're
28:19
giving me and exciting ideas of maybe topics that you want to
28:24
hear. I'll certainly get to those in
28:25
the future, I promise. But until next time, I'm Tom
28:29
Phillip, reminding you to stay grounded, clear and thin.